Contradictions

The last day of the year and decade calls for some reflections of course.

Seems to me that the world around me is polarised and forces seem to be pulling from opposite directions. Perhaps this has affected me and I constantly wonder which side to follow. The following are some contradictions which tug at me :

-The ''OK Boomer" inter generational divide has caused me to vacillate over values like family & marriage, jobs and careers. The millennia generation's love for individualism has given rise to low birth rates.  While I feel that children bring joy and generate growth/continuity I also despair over how the human race destroys other life species. With respect to job security, while I support my adult children to pursue a career that aligns with their interest, I also fear their disregard for money and status is pure idealism. I secretly miss the bragging rights of an Asian parent's standard measure of an adult child''s success . On the other hand I silently pray hard for my children to achieve their own sense of fulfillment in life.

-When watching a footage on the Sydney forest fire, a scorched koala squeaking in pain wrenched my heart. In another instance I am engrossed with a magazine recommending exotic travel destinations. How can I enjoy travel without guilt ever again ? Travel is one of the few things that I really enjoy but I also despair over the recent reported catastrophic consequences of global warming.

-I listen in silence when my fitness classmates rant about ungrateful Singaporeans voting for the opposition party even though our government has done such a good job in meeting our needs. I agree with them and ask myself whether I am a prodigal daughter. Yet I fear that a one party government with group think can not last for long. I also particularly hate the authority's bullying behaviour of the opposition parties, suppression of slightest critique or disagreement and the lack of objectivity of our state press.

- I am thankful for the blessings that living in this country bestows. Yet the mainstream silos and the narrow definition of success and happiness saddens me. I frown at the Ah Liens and Ah Bengs' shallow obsessions. Yet I constantly wonder how simple routines make my illiterate mother-in-law such a happy and contented woman. I indulge in occasional profound contemplation but at the same time realise it can be a slippery slope that leads to nowhere. Perhaps the greatest profundity lies in my mother-in-law's living simply in the moment.

In short, over the years I have often found myself feeling contradictory. However I do have something to be elated about. I discover I am declared "young" again even as I feel the ache in my bones. Those between 65 and 75 are now known as YOLD, the young-old. What a delightful contradiction!

Purpose in non-work

Jack Ma says his grandfather worked 16 hours a day, he and his father work 8 hours and he foresees his children and their offspring working 3 hours a day.

Yes,with technology and AI jobs will be displaced and people will be freed of unproductive processes. People of the future will have much more time for leisure, creativity and family/social engagement.

Numerous questions pop up in my mind:

1. Is that necessarily true? As it appears now, with internet and faster connectivity people 's private life seems to have merged with their working life resulting in longer working hours.

2.  On the other hand if it is true, how do people spend their non working hours? Work provides structure , will people be at a loss with less work? Will more people indulge in addictive habits like online gaming?

3. Will the identity linked to work be redefined? For many, work has always been the purpose of living. With so little time spent on work do people now need to find new attachments of self identity?

This is quite an interesting topic for me. As a retiree I too occasionally have this sense of loss. This subject also ties in with my discussion in a previous blog dated 8 Dec on David Loy's concept of "Sense of Lack".

Many have romanticized a life with more leisure time where people engaged in creative, social and community activities. For retirees like me we can already live out their dreams . We can indulge in art and writing, volunteer in the community, continue learning, travel and try new things, indulge in our hobbies like gardening, play with our pets or simply engage in anything that makes us come alive.

Only when we feel alive, there is less need for the search of identity and purpose; and the sense of lack probably less felt.

Caught unprepared- questions on sexuality

During the last session at the Children's Home, I was caught unprepared when a few girls in their early teens asked me questions about sex. It all began when they were laughing and teasing around when they discovered that the toy baby boy has full body anatomy including private parts.

I normalize their curiosity and then discussed what they have learnt in school about human biology and sex. They have learnt about sexual organs from Science lessons but actual sex education is taught only in Secondary 3. Despite that it is clear that they know quite a fair bit already from social media etc.

Then they popped the questions. "Is it really nice?", "Do you like it?", "Does it hurt?"

My response to the first question was "Yes if you truly love the person"

My response to the second question was "It's ok lah" to which one of the girls remarked "You don't love your husband huh?". When I asked why she thought so she said I didn't sound very excited. Were they expecting a jubilant "YESSSSS" reply, I wondered.

As for the third question I was contemplating a technical answer but decided to repeat the first response as a motherhood answer.

Since they were on this topic I thought perhaps I should shared a bit about the risk of unwanted pregnancy. They seemed to be aware of that quoting incidents they know. I then considered  educating them a bit about how boys may put pressure on their girl friends to have a sexual relationship.

One of the girls then remarked that couples should only have sex after marriage. I then thought I should also discourage them from marrying too young and having children too early.

Just when I said "You should only consider having babies when you are working and can provide for your baby" I suddenly recalled all these kids are from either single parents or dysfunctional families. I was dumb founded and did not elaborate further because I could jolly well be talking about their mothers not being able to look after them. It also dawned on me I am ignorant of how their religion approach the subject of sex education, marriage and procreation.

This encounter however was a reminder that I lack the knowledge of what constitutes a healthy discussion with teenagers on sex and also in the context of their culture. Have I forgotten that in counselling I must be careful not to use my own personal criteria and should be aware of the cultural background of the client?

Certainly I need to do more research and be more prepared for such discussions.

Einstein's quote revisited

I have always been very intrigued with Einstein quote on our illusion of a separate self. First I must regurgitate the quote again, though a different translated version:

" A human being is a spatially and temporarily limited piece of the whole, what we call the "Universe". He experiences himself and his feelings as separate from the rest, an optical illusion of his consciousness. The quest for liberation from this bondage is the only object of true religion. Not nurturing the illusion but only overcoming it gives us the attainable measure of inner peace".

Listening to podcast of a talk at the Cambridge Insight Meditation Centre by David Loy, (Zen scholar, author and professor), I could draw parallels.

David touched on the perception of duality, an illusion of a separate self due to our social construct. As it is an illusion, we always have a sense of lack ie. we don't feel 'real'. Like the front and back of our palm, we have both a sense of self and a sense of lack.

We feel alone, weak, insecure, anxious and void. In a sense it is like an existential crisis. Hence we try to fill our lives with things that may help to make us feel more 'real". We strive for assets, status and relationship with the hope that we can feel more secure.

Einstein spoke of overcoming this illusion of a separate self  as "an object of true religion" to attain inner peace. Christianity's focus on reuniting with God through Christ is probably what Einstein has in mind, likewise Buddhist teachings on non-self and awakening to the Buddha nature within. Both  point towards reuniting with the greater whole or God.

The following quote by Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj best expresses Einstein's advice on the 'liberation from the bondage' of this illusion:

"When I look inside and see that I am nothing, that is wisdom. When I look outside and see that I am everything, that is love. And between these two, my life flows."

Enjoying your own performance

Went to watch the performance by US-based standup comic artist Ronny Chieng at the Esplanade with my daughter. Perhaps 90% of the audience were young people. Ronny made fun of stereotypes in various cities, of different culture, political orientation and generation. He draws rolling laughter from his enactment of typical familiar behaviour. The everyday situations acted out, the tone and language used is so authentically funny.

When he made fun of Asian parents and baby boomers, I felt the whole audience laughing at me because I was surrounded by millennials. His joke on baby boomers' obsession with WhatsApp was hilarious though. He lamented baby boomers' general inability to decipher fake versus true news and how annoyed he was with an uncle who constantly whatsapps fake news in the family chat group. He mocked the Chinese's love for money and Asian parents' stereotype expectation of their children. Needless to say his imitation of Trump and digs at white supremacy were equally entertaining.

However Ronny's show was really a lot of ranting and mocked frustrations accompanied by some slapstick kicks. It makes me wonder whether he himself is tickled or amused when he is performing. I asked this question because earlier on the same day when I watched the show I conducted a story telling session at the library. I told a very funny story. It could be the pictures in the book were really cute and funny or maybe the children's hearty laughter was so infectious, I found myself spontaneously laughing along with them as I told the story. It was really enjoyable for both the story teller and the audience.

According to the psychologist Peter McGraw comedy is  "equal parts darkness and light" and the best jokes "take something awful and make it silly". I think the standup comedians are very good at this. They have to master the art of playful ridicule without making people feel uncomfortable.

As for me as long as I laugh loudly while reviewing a book for story telling purpose, I know I will enjoy my own performance.

World in turmoil

Reading the newspaper these days can be quite overwhelming. Some days I hear myself sighing while turning every other page.

Raging forest fires, floods and landslides, poor harvest and extreme weather brought about by global warming sets my mind thinking about eventual apocalypse. The Syrian crisis and the plight of  refugees and illegal immigrants can be heart wrenching. Polarization in more and more aspects; political, religion, gender, racial, culture, class and increasingly inter-generation makes you feel that  everywhere one half of the people finds it impossible to comprehend and tolerate the other half. Statistics about mental illnesses on the rise especially among young people and prevalence of substance abuse challenges the definition of progress. The increasing number of animals facing extinction questions the rights the human specie has over others.

Of course there are news that makes me laugh like the cartoon on Trump's impeachment and reports on his brash dramatic rhetoric. A snigger or 2 lets out when I sense the bias and lack of objectivity in our local press. At most these news just draw light hearted cynicism. The truth is it is rare to find news that makes you feel happy or hopeful other than perhaps medical breakthroughs, for even AI and new innovations may not really promise a better life and may exacerbate greater social inequality. To top it all we must now decipher which is fake and true news.

In short reading the news makes you feel as if the world is in turmoil.

Currently I am watching a historical drama 楚汉传奇 about the final years of the Qin dynasty in 200BC China. The TV serial is very detailed in bringing out the calamity and tribulation faced by people in that era. The English subtitles repeatedly used the phrase "country in turmoil" as described by the characters of the show.

Such then is the world from time in memorial. For generations during certain time pockets people have felt as if the world is in turmoil. Our era is certainly no exception. If for generations people have lived through them so will we. The important thing is to maintain an internal balance in observing the turmoil. 于诸 境上，心不染

Opportunity to heal

My fitness class instructor does not like me. It is plain for all to see, though my classmates tell me to just ignore his nonsense.  I have very low co-ordination and observation skills and thus have difficulty following his movements. It also does not help that I can't follow the pace as well.

He exhibits either avoidance by passing over my spot or when he really can't take it comes over and exaggerates the correct steps before my very eyes. Today he came over and threw his arms and feet about in a frenzy way telling the class this was how I look. He then preached about control of body movement to the class. Though I laughed along I felt sore and was peeved inside. My daughter does not understand why I put up with such a instructor who seems frustrated in training seniors.

I questioned myself why I felt upset . Nobody in my class was amused in an impolite way. I drew parallel to my childhood experiences in a renowned primary school where many rich people sent their daughters. Those days a class teacher taught almost all the subjects other than art and physical education which meant if you were not in the teacher's good books you suffered for at least a year. Being neither clever nor rich in class when I was in primary 5, I belonged to the lowest caste in the eyes of my class teacher who was often showered with home baked cakes and puddings by parents. I was either ignored or made an example of for any inadequacy. There was an incident where my foolish answer to a question generated such incredulity that she roared and writhed in prolonged 'wicked' laughter with the whole class as a chorus. That incident tops the list of dreaded ridicule I have ever suffered in my life or at least in my memory. As in any conditions there are causes and effects. The good effect on me is that I refrain from ridiculing any one intentionally to cause shame or embarrassment. The bad effect is a heightened sensitivity to shame and ridicule so much so that I loathe to be the odd one out in any circumstances, in a deemed negative way ie. not in accordance with social norm or approval.

To process this childhood imprint I must take this opportunity offered by my fitness instructor 5 decades after that childhood insult. Looking back at this morning's incident I find it rather amusing and how ridiculous my reaction was. If after the hurt I can laugh at the superficiality of it all, I should be able to erase the imprint of my childhood and be a character unmoved by silly perceptions of others. After more than half a century it is time to heal.

Remembering my Taiji master

More than 20 years ago the Serangoon Gardens Country Club started a taiji class. I belong to the first batch of students learning under a Master sifu . Several runs followed. All the students from the various runs who stayed on to practice every Sunday morning do so under the guidance of his son. This has been going on for more than 20 years. The old sifu will drop in occasionally to observe and correct our movement. Our practice includes 2 taiji styles, 2 fist forms, broad and thin sword form and stick form. As time goes by we evolve into our own habitual style and though the son (who leads us) occasionally corrects a participant whose movement is grossly out of alignment,most times he leaves us to our own devices.

Recently, the old sifu passed away at the age of 84. We attended the wake and our practice was suspended for a week . The Sunday morning when class resumed my mind kept travelling back to more than 20 years ago at that very same location and how young and fit sifu looked then; and how I too was very young then, a career woman trying to de-stress and keep fit while juggling between work and family. I thought about how skillful this man was who had taught ministers and MPs in his younger days. When I looked at the trees and the space above me while going with the flow of the movements, thoughts about death and impermanence surfaced.

It dawned on me that no matter how much skills he imparted, the perfection and precision went with him.  At most, they will be watered down. It is the same with whatever things we leave behind, a matter of fading memories. Strangely, as if he feels he must keep his father's skills alive, the son started to correct our movements the following Sunday. I imagined the old sifu smiling among the trees.  

The son has now announced he will be giving us refreshers ie. correcting our wrong movements bit by bit. I guess the least we can do is to try to uphold the skills imparted by the departed.

The Experience Frill

The other day I walked past a Baskin Robin cake shop and was attracted by the cute and colourful display of its cakes in the fridge. On a closer look I was aghast that a 6 inch cakes costs $69. I wondered to myself who their customers are as I can never bring myself to buy one. At home a magazine article entitled "The Experience Economy Boom" caught my eyes.

I did a bit of research and learn that economic value follows a progression from commodity to goods to services to experience. For example if a cake is baked at home, the ingredients are the commodities. A cake sold at a supermarket has progressed from commodity to goods. A fanciful cake (a child's birthday cake for example ) baked according to customer specification has incorporated a large service element. Finally a fanciful birthday cake delivered to a party by a man dressed as a joker followed by some clownish acts has created a memorable experience. The price people are prepared to pay increases along this progression path.

It dawns on me that my unwillingness to pay for a fanciful cake means I am stuck at the goods level. I think many of the baby boomers are like me, which explain why they still have their cuppa at coffee shops while Starbuck and other gourmet coffee cafes are patronised by younger people who don't mind paying for the ambiance.

I think we baby boomers love to save and are reluctant to pay more for the frills of a product. For us the financial security in having a large reserve is top priority including leaving heirs with the means to live comfortably. Many of our parents struggled for a living and we hunger for that peace of mind that comes with financial freedom.

Nevertheless I feel baby boomers have also learned to embrace experiences, for example prioritizing travel above owning goods like expensive watches.  The younger people's spending habits has also rubbed off on us. The Millennials have been dubbed the "wellness generation" by Sanford Health ( a non profit health care delivery system ), spending more on health, wellness and experiences.

Still it takes quite some deliberation before we go for a "splash". For instance having visited London several times, my husband and I have viewed the London Eye and River cruise as traps for tourist dollar. Only upon the last visit we decided to "splash" . Oh my, how could we even miss this experience during the previous trips! Sometimes I look at my frugality with self pity and view my husband's value-for-money mindset as pathetic.

The magazine article on "The Experience Economy Boom"  described products packaged with memorable experiences and featured a dinner-theatre outfit providing an immersive dining experience.

Well I guess I need to buy the $69 cake for a start to get used to paying more for the Experience frill.

Alternative thinking

Listened to a BBC podcast ' The Happiness Lab'. A research carried out to study the facial expression of silver and bronze Olympian medalists found that silver medalists scored 4.8 compared to bronze medalists' 7.1 on a scale where 1 is agony and 10 is ecstasy. The results seem to imply that silver medalists felt the despair that they missed the all glorious Olympic Gold medal whilst the bronze medalists were thankful for getting at least a medal, being aware of the possibility of missing it altogether. It all boils down to the thought of alternatives.

This is the  power of comparison and we always use the people around us as reference points. In a study people were asked whether they would rather earn 1) $50k per annum where people around them earn $25k or 2) $100k where others earn $200k. It seems illogical that people will not want to double their salary but the result actually shows a 50/50 split among the respondents.

To promote happiness people are often asked to list 10 things they are thankful for upon waking up daily. In  a way this strategy uses a negative event reference. For example counting the blessing of good health contemplates the misfortune of illness. In doing so one avoids the natural tendency to be upset when comparing one's  achievements with that of others. It puts into perspective that we on our own are sufficient in many ways.

Fame and shame (sometimes also known as praise and blame) together with gain and loss are part of the 8 worldly winds which the Buddha spoke of that we encounter in our life. These winds are more acutely felt in cultures when social pressure is more pronounced. One needs to  be grateful for the good things in one's life and be more centered and aware of the real values that truly matter.

Our own Celebrity Chef?

At a dialogue during the launching of Mendaki's latest book which chronicles the Malay community's journey through education, Professor Yaacob Ibrahim expressed his hope to see "peaks of excellence" within the Malay community. He said "When I go around and ask people : Who is the top Malay doctor? Who is the top Malay lawyer? People are hard pressed to find them". He was encouraging the Malay community to "push to the next level" having done considerably well over the years.

A researcher Siti Hazirah Mohamad who was also in the panel of speakers however pointed out that they should not just benchmark themselves to the traditional notions of success. I agree totally with her.

One thing that strikes me when engaging with children in Pertapis, a Malay Children's Home, is their caring nature. Though there may be some teasing and bullying, generally the older children seem to care for the younger ones. I have on many occasions witnessed the welfare staff resorting to calling a certain older child to help pacify a younger child throwing a violent tantrum. The children also seem to provide moral support to each other. In my opinion these children will excel in human service related jobs like nursing and social work.

I also notice the children love to imitate the chefs in the Cooking TV shows. I think the Malays are quite artistic and may do well in culinary art and entertainment.

If Yaacob Ibrahim is spurring the Malay community to produce a famous lawyer or doctor, I think the children in the Malay Children's home are at a huge social disadvantage to achieve that. However if according to Hazirah Mohamad we change our definition of success, I am very hopeful the children in Pertapis will be successful in pursuing career in the service industry. That is why while engaging with them at pretend play I encourage them to pay close attention to customer needs be it as a nurse or as a chef. Who knows one day we may have our own Gordon Ramsay or Jamie Oliver.

Dubrovnik robbed

The Airbnb which we booked at old town Dubrovnik was not easy to locate because there are no address on the doors of these old buildings.  With some help however we managed to drag our luggage on and down the narrow stone steps to the right wooden door leading to the apartment upstairs. We were still pondering and getting help from a girl when a fortish lady came out of the door and rushed pass us. The girl who was assisting us pointed at the lady and said that was the hostess we were looking for. I then called out the hostess’ name whereby she turned around and just pointed upwards signalling we should proceed up the stairs having been given the keypad codes in her mail to us. We thought she would return shortly to make sure we are settled in but no she did not.

During my one week stay in Croatia I have noticed that most of the customer service workers are not particularly friendly. If you have a query the best they can do is to provide accurate and brief answers without adding a smile. In fact they often make you feel you are intruding. I have suspected some racial bias against Asians but dismiss that after observing similar behaviour towards whites.

Croatia is a very popular tourist spot and the country is heavily dependent on tourism. Yet you feel people resent tourists flooding the country but persevere for the sake of livelihood. It is not uncommon for local residents in cities overwhelmed by mass tourism to feel frustrated. In Dubrovnik where each cruise ship dumps 2 thousand tourists into the streets of the old city, it is reasonable for the locals to be resentful that their city has lost the old charm .

From my room which overlooked the main street in the Old City, the sound of the band playing English evergreens late into the night and the loud chatter from the guests in the pubs and eateries make the town like a playground. Only when I was wakened at 6 in the morning by the bells of the clock tower and church and looking out of the window at the deserted street below did I notice how much we the tourists have robbed the locals of their beautiful town.

Welfare in Retirement as per GRI

As I am a bit surprised that Singapore ranked pretty low in the Quality of Life sub-index (41 out of 44 countries to be precise) of the Global Retirement index (GRI), I downloaded the report to better understand the factors leading to such poor showing. The GRI has 4 sub-index namely, Health, Quality of Life, Material Well Being and Finances in Retirement Index

The Quality of Life sub-index is a composite of:

1. Happiness Index
2. Natural Environment Index comprising-
• Air Quality Index
• Water and Sanitation Index
• Biodiversity and Habitat Index
• Environment Factor Index

Believing that we should be fairly good in the Air and Water indexes, I look up the description of the others. The Happiness Index is derived from "responses by people asked to evaluate the quality of their current lives on a scale of 0 to 10 averaged over the years 2016 - 2018".

The Biodiversity and habitat index "provides an insight into a country's protection of its ecosystem. The higher the score, the more a country is capable to ensure a wide range of ecosystem service like flood control and soil renewal, the production of commodities, and spiritual and aesthetic fulfillment will remain available for current and future generations".

The Environment index " is calculated as the weighted average of CO2 emissions per capita (1/3 weight), CO2 emissions per GDP (1/3 weight), CO2 emissions per electricity generation (1/6 weight) and renewable electricity (1/6 weight)".

In terms of another sub-index of the GRI called Material Well-Being index Singapore shared the 30th place with 2 other countries out of 44 . This sub-index is a composite of Income per capita index, Income Inequality Index and Unemployment Index.

Strangely enough, although we ranked 28 out of 44 in the overall global ranking, we did top in a sub-index which our only newspaper company highlighted in bold print. We are top for the Finances Retirement Index which one would have thought is about adequacy in retirement savings etc. Quite the contrary it really is a measure of the soundness of the country's financial system and include macro factors like Institutional Strength Index, Government Indebtedness Index and Inflation Index etc. Of course we top this index. Since we fall out of the first 25 countries the Report does not highlight Singapore much except for the segment under this sub-index which reads:

"Singapore marginally beats New Zealand for the top spot in the Finances sub-index, both with rounded scores of 79% the past three years. This compares to a low of 52% in both Quality of Life and Material Well being for Singapore".

So what kind of questions should we be asking ? What are the reasons that make Singaporeans unhappy and rate their quality of current life lowly? Could it be inequality, poor ecosystem protection, absence of aesthetic fulfillment?

Well we always brag ourselves as topping this and that in various area of global ranking but clearly we rank behind other first world peers in Retirement index.

Is the aspired Swiss standards of living a dream?

Mirthless Laughter

Most of the kids on my list for play therapy were out either on home leave or an outing with the staff at the children's home during the school holidays last week. The boy and girl left watching TV were delighted to be called to the therapy room. It is particularly difficult for children in the home during festive or public holidays when other children are on home leave spending time with parents or guardians.

Perhaps feeling abandoned the boy surprisingly spent a lot of time with the toy baby, taking considerable time wrapping it with the blanket carefully and laying it to sleep comfortably among the big cushions. He then went on to play cooking porridge for the baby.

The 12 year old girl whom I have engaged for more than 5 years now, chose to play a therapy card game with me. By then, the boy had finished 'cooking' and had sit the 'baby' on a plastic chair. As he turned around to fetch the 'porridge' the 'baby' fell off the chair and we all played at pacifying it. The cooing sound made by the boy made us all laugh. However the girl kept on laughing non stop even though the boy had turned his attention elsewhere.

The girl's laughing fit was prolonged and she was writhing on the bean bag. We told her that it wasn't funny but she would not stop. That was not the first time I have encountered her laughing spell. She had on 2 occasions did likewise and once becoming almost hysterical, kicking and throwing things till I had to threaten leaving her alone in the room. Intuitively I had sensed that her original tickled laughter had begun to ring hollow and void of mirth, peels of circumstantial defeat. She had also intentionally prolonged her laughter. I could feel that it was an attempt to release whatever pent up emotions welling inside her, probably despair. This after all is the same girl whom when on one occasion I had advised her to be more understanding towards the 'fierce' staff at the home had retorted "How about me, does any one understand how I feel, I have been here for more than 5 years".

I knew I should respond to her laughing fits by comforting her, probably putting my arms round her shoulder instead of telling her to control herself. However what really puzzles me is my own reflex reaction. I notice I became quite anxious and wanting to walk away. Years ago when I was attending the counselling course, one of the teachers had made a remark about how occasionally I had let out some hollow laughter. In retrospect I do laugh a hollow laugh when I feel nervous or when I face a wall in situations beyond my control or at least I do that when I talk to my cat when feeling sad. Could the girl's mirthless laughter trigger recall of some hidden unpleasantness in my own circumstances?

I need to be more mindful of my own feelings and recognise any triggers during therapy sessions.

"Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on'"
Stand up comedian Bob Newhart

An Allowing , A Being

A rich farmer once approached Buddha for help with all the problems he was encountering in his life. He complained about how his good-for-nothing son was of no help and that his wife was siding the son. He wanted Buddha to change them miraculously to which Buddha said he could not help in this respect. The farmer went on about his fear of a poor harvest and asked that Buddha blessed him with a good harvest. Again Buddha replied he could not do that. Lastly he lamented about his debtors defaulting on their debt and in turn his creditors were hot on his heels. Perhaps Buddha could give him an amulet to void off his troubles. When Buddha again replied he could not help, the farmer turned away furious and exasperated expressing disbelief that Buddha was called the Enlightened one.

Buddha then told the farmer that he could help him with his 84th problem. Puzzled the farmer asked what his 84th problem was. Buddha then said the 84th problem was wanting to get rid of the first 83 problems ie. the thought that he should not have any problems. The answer lies in learning to accept that life presents many problems and we need to develop a quiet mind to solve those than can be solved and accept those beyond our means to do so. We must try not to let our ego worsen the problem. This reminds me of the Serenity Prayer:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

Having said that, acceptance does not come easy. I can never forget a child's response when told at a workshop conducted for children from divorced families, that there is nothing children can do to bring their parents together again. She had called me mean to say that. The loss was probably too great for her to bear. Indeed even adults need to practice very very hard to accept difficult situations especially where there is a lot of attachment involved. Einstein called our attachment to our thoughts and feelings an "optical delusion of our consciousness", as something separate from the "Universe" which human being is a part of.

I guess this inability to feel being part of the whole termed "Universe" makes us feel void and empty and we try our best to fill the void with all kinds of attachment, material stuff, relationship and accomplishment of all types. We expect all these attachment objects to deliver the meaning and happiness we strive for and when they fail we feel the emptiness and continue the search to fill the void. I think no amount of logical reasoning can help in fathoming what Einstein is alluding to. It takes a lot of inward quiet and meditation to feel it and the commitment to do that.

Someone once said the secret of letting go is not an art, it is an "Allowing", a "Being"

No Perfect Couple

According to Mary Pipher in her book "Women Rowing North" long duration marriages do not arise from perfect relationship but more from a commitment to stay married by the couple. Having to stick to their decision, these married couples find their own way to navigate through frustrations and frictions.

Some strategies and self learned tactics practiced by them include:

1. Being accommodating or adopting habitual quick resolutions to conflicts (like talking through disagreements)
2. Allowing emotional and social space
3. Listening and empathizing without giving advice and knowing what not to say
4. Communicating needs 
5. Balancing each other in behaviour but not remaining too stuck
6. Modifying expectations
7. Ignoring small stuff and focusing on the positive traits of the spouse

The book is about "navigating life's currents and flourishing as we age". Given that average life span has increased married couples must consciously learn to live more happily together.

Thinking in terms of my husband first I feel he needs to step up on number 3 above. At the least he should learn what not to say. Maybe I am a hypochondriac but what I hate most is when he brushes my medical concerns aside as "imaginations" and "all in the mind".

On my part, I should practice modifying expectations and communicating my needs. I must always remember my husband is no mind reader especially so when he is the type who displays very little emotion. I should stop hoping girlishly for surprised gifts and just be direct and instructional on what I want for special occasions for instance. Likewise I need to bury lingering expectations that a leopard can still change its spots and close one eye on his bad habits focusing instead on his traits that gel with harmonious family living. For example I must never forget how he patiently put up with my leaky gut and joint aches during our travels and literally lifts me up during hikes to view awesome scenery

After all I have to admit that we still manage considerably well as co-CEOs running the household despite the frustrations we present each another. As Rita Rudner an American comedian once said, "I love being married. It is so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life".

Meaning in the mundane

How does a retiree make his/her daily routine more invigorating? Apart from the hobbies or activities that we pursue which are in line with our interest or passion, a large part of daily life is occupied by mundane tasks. Unlike a working person where household chores can be a channel to take the mind off work, a retiree has no such need.

I have often wondered for instance how a home maker finds content doing household chores and cooking for the family her entire life. What kind of motivation sustains such repetitive chores. For my part I resort to listening to podcast to raise my pain threshold for household chores. Yet I see women everywhere doing the same household chores without grudges or for that matter embracing a routine life in their stride.

The book "Ikigai- The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life" gives some glimpses into the secret of enjoying mundane tasks. It gives the example of a lift attendant at a department store doing the same job for years with enthusiasm. Upon careful observation one realizes the job involves several detail processes each with a purpose, bowing and greeting the customers warmly, gracefully pushing the lift buttons, announcing the floor level and bowing when they exit, quite similar to that of the Japanese tea serving ceremony. The authors describe it as turning routine tasks into 'moments of micro-flow'. It also helps being present on the job and constantly seeking ways to improve and then taking pleasure in a job well accomplished, much like a sushi chef in a restaurant consistently creating the perfect sushi.

Perhaps that is the reason I find gardening so therapeutic because my mind is totally engaged trying to create a more beautiful garden which seems a never ending task. Perhaps that is also the reason why my mother-in-law is one happy woman cooking for the family for decades. Not only does she tries new recipes but more importantly she adheres to the all encompassing purpose to make sure her family eats well. Yes, purpose can be found in small ways.

As Stacey Peterson, Resiliency Specialist at Mayo Clinic said:
When you can identify and incorporate a personal sense of meaning into your daily life, even in small ways, you're more likely to feel content, fulfilled and at peace.

Presenting Facts of Life to a Child

I am now refreshing my mind with the content for another workshop for kids from divorced families. The prescribed workbook has a page with the bold headline "Why aren't some families together?"

The first line following the heading reads "One of the facts about life that you have discovered by now is that things change". I laughed out loud, a spontaneous response. It is like preaching the concept of Impermanence to a child. Yes honesty is perhaps the best way forward to tell the child about changes but the sentence sounds so jaded.  Fair enough that the writer went on to say that some changes are good and some are bad. Yet the phrase 'Facts about life' sounds so philosophical and so resigned. The phrase 'You (would) have discovered by now' also seems to add years onto their childhood. A sentence like "We can see a lot of changes in the world around us" may sound more appropriate.

Perhaps for a start, this workshop facilitator should walk the talk first and learn to embrace change. At 65 I am still 'discovering' with shock,  this 'fact of life'.  I am surprised by loads of things that change rapidly including

- these body parts that malfunction suddenly
- this mind that doesn't deliver as before
- the change in values that threatens my entrenched worldview
- the grim future from climate change
- the unintended consequences of social media
- the changes in lifestyle brought about by AI and digital technology

If a 65 year old is still grappling with uncertainties that changes may bring about what more do young children facing the loss of a routine family life which is their anchor of security. If my 65 year old habitual mind which longs for certainty in a comfort zone needs meditation to calm the mind and accept Impermanence how much assurance does a young feeble mind needs to feel safe amid change.

I guess some kids have to face reality and the 'facts of life' at younger age than others and we have to help them stay resilient but avoid developing a pessimistic outlook which douses the child like spirit.

Passion or Interest

We are often asked to follow our passion to live a fulfilling life. However we may look very hard for our passion to no avail. Tips like asking yourself what subject you can read 500 books about without feeling bored or remember what you love doing when you were a child may lead you nowhere.

Paul A O'Keefe, an assistant professor of psychology at Yale NUS gives us hope when he suggests that interests and passion aren't waiting to be found or revealed. Instead we have to actively develop them through effort and commitment. He goes on to illustrate how the advice to 'find' your passion can actually mislead you into thinking that once the interest is found pursuing it will be a breeze. Thus when you face difficulties in the process you conclude that it isn't your passion after all and give it up. 'Finding your passion' mindset also constrains one into believing that interests are fixed and inherent in a person.

'Developing your passion' on the contrary is a 'growth' mindset encouraging one to explore by trying different area of interests. With a 'developing' attitude one willingly puts in more effort, commitment and perseverance.

In my case I know clearly I am no good with my hands and art thus ruling out many area of interest. Hence there is no need to waste time exploring pottery, cookery, painting etc. I sense I am good with children and have a bit of imagination. Thus story telling comes quite easy and engaging with children is mostly a pleasure. However it can not be described as a consuming passion. But does a passion need to be all consuming? Does it need to take center stage of our life? It has often been said that your passion is the purpose you are in this world. It can then be quite disheartening if one fails in finding one's passion.

Just the other day I was at the Children's Home engaging with a boy and a girl. It is common for children at the Children's Home to fortify a play home with walls and fences to protect the toy children figurines  within. The boy was busy looking for items to create a solid boundary for his home. The girl was constructing another home using lego blocks. I joined in the play by building blocks of lego wall for the boy's play home. The three of us were engrossed working quietly together. Momentarily I became aware of the state of complete ease and enjoyment I was experiencing. I realised that feeling was what people often describe as being in the flow.

I guess it doesn't matter what you call it, be it consuming passion or mere interest. One should aim to explore activities  that generate such enjoyable absorption and foster being with the present moment.

The Forbidden "Hi Daddy"

When we were about to start the workshop for children from divorced families, a knock on the door was followed by a man peeping into our room.

"Hi XYZ, XYZ how are you?" he called animatedly. He then tried to catch XYZ's eyes gesturing desperately. XYZ, an 8 year old boy seated in the front row ignored him.

"Sorry you are?" I asked.

"I'm his father," he replied.

I tried to get XYZ to greet his father but to no avail. The man uttered goodbye dejectedly and left, not in embarrassment I hope.

I know a bit about XYZ from the first session. He is under his mother's custody and lives with his maternal grandfather who brings him to attend the workshop by cab, as mum is travelling for work. The father was at our centre attending another workshop meant for parents from divorced families and had probably hoped to see his son.

When the father left closing the door quietly I asked XYZ softly why he didn't say 'hi' to his father. XYZ replied that his mother told him never to speak to dad and that he doesn't like dad anyway. I can imagine how hurt the man must have felt.

Having known cases of emotionally scarred children whose divorced parents are embroiled in bitter conflict, I sometimes wonder why these couples are not able to manage their behaviour, knowing quite well the adverse impact the conflict has on their children. I am still stumped why divorce is such an intensely emotional affair. Understandably it is equivalent to a loss of a loved one, a broken dream and dashed hopes of a happy future Spouses may feel like victims of injustice or personal failure or both, thus giving rise to anger, bitterness, guilt and anxiety. I can only conclude there is deep attachment involved and only a conscious effort to let go will help in the emotional unbonding.

At the workshop we have taught the children that it is a myth that they have to help their parents cope with the divorce and the truth is their parents WILL learn to cope with their own emotions and thoughts. The sooner these parents learn to detach and accept the loss, the less adverse impact the divorce will have on these children.

XYZ will then be able to say "Hi Daddy" with a smile sooner.

Defined at 65

Most countries use age 65 as a definition of an older person.

Well, I have just recently been defined as one and was promptly reminded to feel like one when I suffered a muscle strain at the lower back after fitness class as well as a short bout of vertigo a few days later. I tried to recall whether my mother had these problems when she was my age. As I recalled I realize I am beginning to resemble her behaviour at old age in an increasing number of ways.

I used to think the table top at my mum's bedside was really cluttered with medicine bottles, pills, creams, medicated oil and lots of other knick-knacks. I wondered why she couldn't put them in the drawers below. Now the reading lamp at my own bedside table is fighting for space with an open box consisting a tube of cream and a bottle of medicated oil for rheumatism plus another bottle of medicated oil for wind in the stomach. It is placed there for easy reach when my sleep is disturbed by dull aches. In addition a small zip bag provides remedy for sinus headache and blocked nose. A long wooden back massage roller stands ready for hammering my back for relief. All these have to be within reach to facilitate a quick remedy as it is not easy to fall back to sleep when awake for too long, not when you are at my age.

When I complained about my ailments to my children I often get remarks alluding to my negligence in taking care of my health, especially my sedentary lifestyle. This upsets me but now I remember chiding my mum quite a fair bit too when she was in her 70s's including her lack of a balanced diet and her reluctance to go for physiotherapy.

My mum was an ageist and would hide her age. She even forgo using her senior citizen discount card. I didn't know I was one until the mother of a child approached me after my story telling session at the library. She thanked me and shared her daughter's remark " 我喜欢听奶奶讲故事" ( I love to hear 'granny' tell stories ) . I acknowledged her compliments downheartedly.

Well there is one difference between my mum and me. She would take great trouble to groom herself no matter her age. This is one aspect I need to follow but have not really taken the trouble to do so. As I grow older I became less worried about how people view me outside of work. I guess this is also partly attributable to no one noticing a lady of my age. As Mary Pipher , author of "Women Rowing North" said " Invisibility can sometimes be freeing....With invisibility we have permission not to worry so much about appearances or proper behaviour. We can be silly, quirky, and free to do as we please."

Having said that I must be my own checker. I do not need to dress to make a statement or follow the fashion but at least I must be neat, presentable and even a bit stylish  in my very own eyes. 65 comes with privileges, not only those rendered by the government but also the freedom emerging quietly within oneself to devote more time and energy to achieve one's own happiness.

MPH

Once upon a time MPH was a prestigious bookstore patronized by the learned and well healed. At least that was my impression half a century ago when I returned to Singapore at age 15 having lived in KL for a decade with my family. The well furnished store at Stamford Road which covered 3 floors had an aura of cultured elitism. It carried the widest range of English books, stationery, beautiful cards, gifts and even had a toy department selling more upmarket toys. Today MPH announced the closure of its last 2 outlets. Reading that news, memories of various stages of my life at MPH bookstores flooded back.

Back in the '70s to buy something from MPH was a luxury which our family indulged in only occasionally. I remember being tasked by my mother to look for the best toy replica of a machine gun for my younger brother and found the perfect one at MPH's toy department. It was definitely a few notches above other Chinese plastic guns. My mother also allowed us to buy the big glossy picture book which celebrated the 150th anniversary  of the founding of Singapore which I remembered was quite costly.  My younger brother's first Tin Tin comic came from  there. The first purchase from MPH using my own money was when I got a $10 MPH voucher for having my unpoetic but rhyming poem published in a shitty afternoon daily. This was followed by another delightful splurge when I received a valuable MPH voucher for being the best student in a bottom ranking neighbourhood school.

After graduation from university and as a single working adult with no dates, I used to while away time browsing through books at MPH, which by now have outlets at the shopping malls. The next phase in my life when I visited MPH quite frequently was when my children were toddlers. During lunch breaks I would visit MPH at Centre Point Mall to look for books to read to my kids as well as for educational toys. When my son was in primary school he would develop interest in certain subjects from time to time. By then shopping at MPH was no longer a luxury for us and I could afford to feed his curiosity. Once he was keen to possess a tall narrow book that features all the famous buildings in the world and the mother willingly bought for him, proud that the young child showed such interest in architecture. Gradually as our National Library expanded and carried a wide range of books it was less necessary to buy books off the shelves other than for Christmas presents.

Today's news about MPH closing its last 2 outlets (in the face of the Amazon onslaught and high rental) made me nostalgic. It seems to signal the passing of a phase that has to make way for another, both in the world at large and in my own life.

It's not a Joke

During the workshop for children from divorced families, I flashed the myth and truth on the screen which reads "Myth 2 - I can get mum and dad back again". I asked for feedback how many of them believed so. and then discussed what made them think that way. After that I flashed on the screen the truth which reads:

 " Truth 2- No matter how hard you try you can't get your mom and dad back together again"

One vocal 8 year old girl immediately responded "That's so mean"

No really knowing the context she made this remark I softened my voice to ask why she said that.

She replied, "It's so mean to say that"

After a slight pause and touching my heart I asked " It hurts to hear that is it?" She nodded.

Now I have to tell the children to accept the hard truth. Earlier in the session I gave an example of what the word 'myth' means. I told the kids it's like believing that Santa Claus will deposit a present for children every Christmas. All the children laughed in agreement that is not true.

I then leached on this example to explain that the earlier we accept the truth the faster it is for us to get over the pain. Using my normal library story telling drama I enacted the frustration of a child who year after year hung on to the belief that Santa Claus will deliver a present and feeling disappointed and angry. Instead the child should just accept the truth and think of other means to get the desired Christmas present.

Reflecting and writing this I feel I have used a very good metaphor and deserve a pat on the back. This is good resourcing for me because I had walked out of the workshop drained with a dry throat and bit of headache. It is really not easy to hold the attention of 7 primary school children for  2 hours discussing a subject which hurts them to the core and perhaps wish to forget. I have also observed that the children are really very precocious. At one juncture when I was going through a list of common worries that children from divorced families have, a child remarked "Now I have more things to worry about".

Conducting this type of workshop is a far cry from the freely expressive story telling session at the library where you step out feeling light and smiling. Even there it is necessary to hold the attention of the children for half an hour albeit in merriment. At the divorce workshops however you have to ensure a checklist of topics prescribed by MSF is covered and the poor kids have to attend three 2 hour sessions over 3 weeks. For one who is so used to fooling around at story telling sessions I have to tone down, be sensitive and stop being a CLOWN, for divorce is not a JOKE.

Meaningless Denial

Much that I admire our government for all the great things it has done what irate me is its readiness to jump in defence even at the slightest remark or suggestion by any netizen. One guy wrote in the paper's forum page alluding to the fact that the "Growing pie does not mean bigger slices for all" and that middle class income has stagnated while the real wages of the lower income had declined. True to its known efficiency the MOM replied with statistics that showed that real incomes in the bottom 20 per cent grew by 3.1% p.a. over the last 10 years (on a per household member basis) and in fact it grew a little faster than the top 20% (2.5% p.a).

Hello 2.5% on say $200k is $5,000 p.a while 3.1% on say $20k is $620 p.a not mentioning the compounding effect if such excesses of the top 20 earners is saved and invested. I am also quite wary of how the govie juggles statistics to prove a point. Having personally experienced how statistics was massaged for various purposes (eg. duration and top/bottom percentiles), I question the basis of "per household member " and the 20 % instead of top 10% etc.

Truly the writer to the forum is concerned about the the inequality in our society and how it affects social mobility of the lower income families. That is the essence of his message but MOM chooses the narrow approach defending with statistics on income. Don't we all know that wealth is in the asset classes and also in passive income like capital gain and dividends which is not even required to be declared in income tax assessment as it is exempt from taxes.

Ell Broad who started 2 Fortune 500 companies and who turned to full time philanthropy opined that "no amount of philanthropic commitment will compensate the deep inequities" in the US short of some forms of wealth tax like capital gain tax , higher income tax and inheritance tax. He opined that policies like raising the minimum wages, reforming the education system , building affordable housing and expanding healthcare will not addressed this crisis adequately.

I think it's time our government wrestles this issue carefully instead of being jumpy and kicking the can down the road. Its a grave problem and netizens know it and are content with an assurance it is being weighed on instead of some simplistic meaningless denial.

Moments of feeling important

While looking for a document I stumbled across a journal I wrote way back in 2003 detailing the daily events during a road show in the US to sell my company's bond. It was the company's debut international bond road show involving the Chairman, CEO , Executive Director , CFO, several others and me. Although I do not belong to the top management, my role was crucial as a worker bee crunching the numbers for them to agree on the pricing and liaising with all participating banks in US, Singapore and HK to carry out the FX swaps (hedging the foreign currency exposure).

As I read, I recalled the sense of pride when I described how I was the "nucleus" of the pricing operation remarking "everyone was running for me" and being seated between the chairman and the ED. I can still remember how important I felt when the Head of Sales Syndicate at Morgan Stanley New York invited the CFO and Treasurer to the trading floor to fix the prize which was followed by cameras clicking and champagne popping.

16 years later it really surprises me that I still look upon those moments fondly and with pride when my memory was refreshed. My Buddhist studies seem to have been lost on me when I discover I still relish moments in my life when I felt important. Looks like I am still attached to being 'somebody'.

However the fact that I have actually forgotten about them until I read the journal is a good sign. It shows that I do not hold these so called personal moments of glory too dearly. I am known to have a very short memory though. I do not recall much the details of events that happen during my first career in finance. On the contrary I remember quite vividly certain encounters and experiences I had with the children I counselled and engaged with during my second career. It just means that experiences that touch my heart stay in my mind longer or forever, at least more than any pompous moment of recognition by others (which no one even remembers except myself).

Happiness Act

With credits offered for joining WINGs as a member, I am now attending a course "Happiness Act". Very often in attending such courses, it is not so much what is offered in the syllabus but the sharing among participants and remarks made by the trainer and participants that give glimpses of various challenges in life and ways to meet them.

Yesterday's topic included Healthy Relationship and Authentic Communication and needless to say there was quite a lively discussion about husband/wife relationship. One particular remark by the trainer struck me. She said it is quite common for elderly couples to have little conversation with each other, especially after the children become independent and have  left home. With increased life expectancy however we have to seriously think about how to live another 2 or more decades with our spouse. Do we want for the rest of our lives to live in a cold war environment or for that matter plug along in boring coexistence?

She suggested that we have to make a serious effort to 'create a new relationship'. I never saw it that we have to 'create' a new life together. At the back of my mind, it has always been resigning to 'incorrigible' behaviour and accepting (with lament) different interests for the rest of our lives to avoid further frustration. It never occurred to me that something more proactive should be done.

So for a start I googled about creating common interests among couples and found this website suggesting "80 Fun Hobbies for Couples to Strengthen Relationships"- 21 outdoor, 16 indoor, 15 to do at night and 28 to do at weekends.

Well out of these 80, swimming, travelling, watching movie (in our case historical tv drama), eating out at same old places are about the only hobbies we do together. I guess from this list of 80 there will be a couple he will be game for after persistent requests like having a picnic, going to the theatre and kayaking. On my part I must brave the sun to agree to cycling and hiking. In addition instead of nagging about him turning our garden into a jungle, we can collaborate our individual gardening effort or embark on DIY projects, maybe with me drawing the description and he building and implementing. To avoid argument and blame we may have to compromise or make an agreement that once a month at least each has to abide by the other's request.

Hopefully he will appreciate my initiative. Like my trainer says if we don't start now we will dwell in a lose-lose situation for the rest of our lives. It's time to grow as a couple before it's too late. It's time to act and that is why the course is entitled "Happiness Act"

Starting off at 80

Attended a creative writing course conducted by SPH which is fully paid for using the Skills Future grant. About half of the class of 16 are retirees the oldest being a lady of 80 years. The rest are working people taking a one day break to try and rediscover their inherent love of writing.

The 80 year old lady looks more like someone in her late sixties . In appearance and behaviour she displays no traits commonly associated with the very elderly. Unlike some older senior citizens who are very forthcoming with comments (often irrelevant), or demand special attention and respect or exhibit negative attitude she carries herself sprightly in body and mind.

Never did she ever remark about being too old to try anything new except when the lecturer shared about a  3 year Master program in creative writing offered by LaSalle College of Arts. She wondered whether it is offered in modular format jesting that she may possibly expire before completing the whole program. At lunch break she told us it is more likely she will take up Chinese class instead. Being a Peranakan who does not speak Chinese she has difficulty ordering food at Food Courts where the stalls are run by Chinese Nationals and often receives sarcastic remarks about being a Chinese not knowing her own language. Clearly she is one of those people who inspires others to keep on learning and venturing into new fields irrespective of age.

Well, at the start of the class when asked to share our intention of attending, I sheepishly said I dreamed of writing a Children book. Among the many take aways from the class, setting  aside time to write strikes me as the essential first step.  It is no use telling ourselves that we don't have the talent and that we lack ideas, knowledge and writing skills. All we should be doing is just write freely about anything at all for say 15 minutes a day.

The idea really is to take the first step even if it is a baby step at 80.

In praise of Blind Faith

3 members in our family invested in Hyflux perpectuals, my husband, my daughter (upon my bad advice) and myself. Though in the same family sharing information, misbeliefs and non 'information' we behave very differently when come to money investment.

Hyflux's CEO used to be the country's poster girl whom I admired partly because we share the same surname. From starting a company selling water filters and treatment chemicals she had grown Hyflux into an internationally branded water treatment company listed on Singapore Exchange and lauded by the government for building the nation's biggest combined desalination and power plant in 2013. The company had also expanded to build facilities in Oman and Saudi Arabia.

Temasek invested in the company in the early 2000's but exited in 2006. However most retail investors are not aware of the exit and went in by a leap of faith. Due to a combination of high leverage, crumbling electricity prices and contract cancellation cum delayed payments in Middle East, Hyflux is now on the brink of insolvency. This left investors bewildered as to how such a respectable company can fall so fast while white knights appear and disappear to save it.

As I was the one who recommended Hyflux perps to my daughter and knowing that she is highly risk adverse, I made her sell the securities when I read the first wave of caution by analysts. At such she suffered 3 % capital loss which was more than recovered from the dividends collected. Myself I hanged on for a while believing that the government would not let this Singapore brand come to ruins. Fortunately my treasury training taught me to cut loss and I sold two thirds of my Hyflux investment at 23% capital loss but held on to 10 lots still maintaining my faith in the country's poster girl. At the same time I advised my husband to do likewise with his 30 lots. I had to help him reason out that the dividend collected over the years would contra against the capital erosion such that the loss is less than 10% net. However my husband, being someone who can never bear losses, did not heed my advice. Now he sighs when reading about white knights that come and go.

In a surprising move, the latest potential white knight is considering some S$400m capital injection while offering a better deal for retail perpectual security investors, (better than what perp investors are legally entitled as they actually rank almost last next to shareholders). Apparently the white knight makes a special offer to these junior creditors instead of senior creditors because the former "took a passive blind faith risk" while the later "took an active business risk with ringside view".

When I read this I congratulated my husband because he stands a chance to recover his money due to his 'passive blind faith'. I too stand a chance to recover my balance money despite my  'passive blind faith' and unforgivable laziness because I am financially trained and had failed to be diligent enough to do my homework before investing.

The Encompassing Mountain

On the road up to Kundasang , Sabah where Mt Kinabalu situates we could only see cloud covered mountain ranges. Even at the resort which promised a good view of the mountain we could not figure where the peak was. Only at sunset could we catch glimpses of jagged crevices appearing here and there depending on how much the moving golden clouds wished to conceal or reveal.

The next dawn revealed the whole mountain in its monumental splendour. After quick snapshots to capture the enchanting scene, we settled down on the balcony with eyes fixed on the hue and shades of the mountains  transforming by the moment. At some angle the peak seems to wear the image of an ancient god with a crown. When the clouds weave in and out you imagine its spiritual power.

During the day we hired a car to bring us to a cattle farm. The place has a closer view of the peak and we spent some time staring at it while chatting with the driver.  It turned out that our driver assisted in the rescue operation of the 2015 accident caused by an earthquake which killed 6 children and 2 teachers from Tanjong Katong School. Though we could not fully understand all he was relating we could sense his emotion when he described the heart wrenching moments helping to ferry the dead bodies of the children.

That evening the mountain was again its majestic self . While taking in the magic of the mountain overlooking the surrounding villages my mind returned to the 2015 accident. A year after the quake 20 former Tanjong Katong School students, parents and relatives climbed Mt Kinabalu to pay tribute to those who lost their lives on 5 Jun 2015. I imagined when they fixed their eyes on the mountain which often looks so encompassing they may perhaps feel that their departed loved ones are with the Divine.

Admirable people

Turns out that my hairdresser stays in Potong Pasir, a single constituency under an  opposition party between 1984 to 2011.

Recently I happened to be walking around that area on a visit to an elders' day care centre run by a church. As I was early for my appointment I roamed around the vicinity. There is a lot of renovation and upgrading activities going on and you can tell that the sprucing up had started with the apartment blocks nearer the main road and central area and now progressing further into the fringe area.

I was astonished to see the state of some of the HDB blocks where the repair has yet to be carried out. With paints peeling off the walls and the staircase chipped and stained they looked totally run down and in disrepair, a far cry from the normally well maintained HDB flats in other neighbourhood.

In July 2012, shortly after the ruling party won the PP seat, News@Asiaone reported:

"Residents in Potong Pasir are finally getting the chance to upgrade their flats and surroundings, ending their 28-year wait.
Announcing the news on Thursday, its MP Sitoh Yih Pin said he received approval for upgrading from both the Ministry of National Development (MND) and the Housing Board (HDB) early this week". (All upgrading work used public tax money)

I recalled my hairdresser remarking that Potong Pasir is now very different from a few years ago, much more pleasant and livable. I joked she will no doubt vote for the ruling party this coming election. 当然 (of course) she said and added that the flats have appreciated in value, and then with a tinge of guilt justified that the residents have supported Chiam See Tong (ex-MP) all the way until his wife took over when he suffered from ill health.

As I sauntered among the blocks of flats which are yet to be upgraded and spruced up, I can not help but admire the selflessness of the residents who did not succumb to dirty politics for almost 3 decades, admirable people.

Surrogate Grandma

A few years back when Tan Chuan Jin was the minister for Social and Family Development the counselling centre I volunteered with had a dialogue with him. I participated in the dialogue and suggested that MSF tap the big pool of retirees to provide counselling services in the community after being trained. Obviously my suggestion was not noted.

In an article entitled "Life begins at 60" the writer described how the value of experience and wisdom in senior citizens was tapped by a psychiatrist in Zimbabwe. To provide counselling service in rural areas the doctor has to train villagers. It turned out that grandmothers proved to be the most effective. The study showed that patients who received 6 one-to-one therapy sessions from the trained grandmothers had a lower incidence of depression and anxiety after 6 months. The doctor ascribed the grandmothers' effectiveness to empathy, good listening skills and an ability to reflect.

It is often said that whatever techniques used by counsellors, their potential effectiveness is weak unless the counsellor is successful in building a strong therapeutic alliance with the client. Older people tend to be less judgmental, more authentic and having experienced much in their lives  display a more accepting attitude towards life's difficulties. They also know which are the effective and ineffective ways to cope with negative events.

Even if the ministry is apprehensive of Singapore grandmothers assuming a professional social work or counselling role, this rich pool of retirees can always be tapped as mentors, befrienders or if you will just being the missing "mother" or "grandmother" in the lives of many children from dysfunctional families.

Collective Fear

I always thought that my 'kiasu' (fearful of losing out) nature could have risen from adverse childhood experiences in KL, Malaysia. Constantly scoring close to bottom positions in the top class of a good primary school dented my self esteem. Coming from a poor family and surrounded by relatively rich classmates could have made me feel deprived. I hence concluded that these experiences created the constant need to "keep up" with others.

However an article I read entitled ' A Formula for Happiness' made me rethink my conclusion. The article described how Singapore kept sliding in the global ranking of countries' overall happiness over the years, dropping from 22 in 2016 to 34 in 2019 despite faring well in GDP, employment, life expectancy, education and absence of corruption. Meanwhile depression is on the rise among Singapore teenagers.

Experts opined that Singaporeans seem to have adopted the unhealthy narrative of "kiasuism", the need to have more and the fear of losing out. Moreover the education system drummed into students that academic excellence equates to career achievement and happiness. Furthermore the collectivist culture where the opinion of family and friends influence one's attitude and action, perpetuates comparison and competition.

I now have to further analyse whether I actually picked up this communal trait after I moved back to Singapore at 15. My earliest recall of being competitive wasn't really in secondary school or junior college nor working in a statutory board shortly after graduation. Life then was pretty mundane and I was grateful to secure a job which is described as an iron rice bowl. It was in the 70s and 80s and I guess people were generally just grateful with the improved housing, health care and living standards.

My first real taste of competition was to secure a place in a good school for my children in the 90s. Back then after the PSLE (Primary School Leaving examination) results were out, the newspaper would list the entry points required to get into every secondary school. Thus there was a mad competition to place your kids in a reputable primary school which  has a track record of churning out students with high PSLE scores. Even at primary school, the education system introduced another examination at primary 3 to siphon student into different types of upper primary classes. In summary the school system has always focused on ranking based on academic performance. That was the beginning of parents sending their children for tuition classes,a practice which not only persisted but intensified several fold. Even for ECA (Extra Curriculum Activities) in school, a student has to show some level of skills or aptitude before admission depriving many who have the interest but not the means to acquire the skills outside of school.

Another reason for this national 'kiasu' trait could be the inherent 'scarcity mentality' of baby boomers many of whom have experienced poverty in childhood. Baby boomers in general need to buy and hoard things/assets in case of calamity. This is reinforced by the government's persistent brainwashing message of how we need to strife due to a lack of natural resources. To spur citizens to be achievement oriented is necessary for economic growth. Thus the media is obsessed with ranking and winning, consistently splashing about Singapore topping this area and that in global ranking.

I recalled the comment of Tash Aw in an interview with Straits Times on why Singapore never produced an internationally acclaimed author like him. He said in Malaysia there is less expectation of success. "If you don't make it, you are basically measured to the mediocrity around you, so there is no pressure......I think most Malaysians in general enjoy the freedom to find their own level, their own space"


Well looks like the lasting adverse impact of my so called childhood 'strife' may have just been my imagination. It is more likely that I got myself caught up in the Singaporean collective fear of losing and country fervor to win and never to be left behind. Still it is no excuse to sit back and blame external factors for character weakness. If the country is slow in finding a wider range of narrative for happiness, I have to do so on a personal level even though I should have started long ago.

Temple Cat

I have a Siamese cat and to be sure she has a personality. If she is in good mood she will let out a cursory meow when I greet her in the morning. She seems to know cat lovers instinctively snuggling close to them when they visit or 'chats' with them when they engage her in conversation. This however is at her own call meaning she has to be the one to make the first move. When you pick her up by force she will struggle fiercely to break free.

Increasingly she seems also to understand a bit of what I am saying. For instance before I close the door when leaving home, I will ask her "Miao (that's her name), In or Out?". If she wants to laze in the garden she will come scampering through the door before I close it. Otherwise she will ignore me and expresses her wish to remain indoor by either resting on all fours or starting to preen herself. Sometimes instead of talking aloud to myself  I can go to my cat give her a gentle head to head hug and start talking while she listens staring at me with her intense blue eyes.

You may think I am too obsessed and going cranky about my pet, but I think she is not only human in some ways but also a bit spiritual. Every morning when others have left for work  and I am alone at home I will light an incense at the altar and say a quiet prayer. There is no fixed timing however as it depends on how much reading or other tasks I do for the morning. Quite frequently when I start to light the incense Miao Miao will walk in from the back garden and sit beside me making sure she spreads her tail neatly across my feet as if reminding me to remember her in my prayer. I am often puzzled how she knows when I am about to start. Perhaps animals have heightened sensitivity to energy fields and Miao probably picks up my energy for quiet prayer; although I am not sure whether she really wants to be included or just simply likes that quiet moment. (Freud's dog was famously known for snuggling close to his clients suffering from depression offering comfort).

However carrying on my craziness, I learnt from internet that Siamese cats were surrounded by history and legends as follow:

"It is believed the Siamese cat were owned by the  Royal Family of Siam, and used to guard the ancient temples. Only royalty or noblemen were allowed to own them, and their cats served as spirit guardians.
When someone important died, a cat from their household was chosen to receive and house their soul. This lucky cat spent the rest of its life in luxury, pampered and cared for by temple priests. The dead person’s family paid for the cat’s upkeep, as they believed this would bring their loved one good luck in the afterlife."

Hmmm... perhaps the spiritual energy is carried forward life after life in the Siamese cats. Regardless Miao Miao reminds me of another level of consciousness and that this physical world may not be as it seems.

A Slob in the Fitness Class

There a 2 types of people who dislike me, doctors and fitness instructors. Doctors think I ask too many 'smart alec' questions all conceived out of non truths from the web. Fitness instructors find me too slack and impossible to teach.

I now attend a fitness class which is a combo of cardio exercises and stretches. For the first half hour there is pumping exercises to make our heart works faster while the later half is the well longed stretching exercises mainly on the yoga mat. As the class caters to people above 50 years, the instructor, a fortyish guy with crew cut and a single ear ring, says we can do the cardio exercises at our own pace. However he is constantly watching like a hawk when you actually slows down, passing remarks like if his mum can do it he doesn't see why you can't. Hence I try to keep up as much as possible and slow down when his back is turned towards me.

I probably stand out as a sore thumb in his class of 10. Unlike others who are probably dressed for fitness class in their branded fanciful body hugging tops and tights I wear a pair of cotton pants and T shirt with sleeves. No worries, my shoes are branded sports shoes though. I had wanted to get a yoga mat from the sports shops but was aghast that it costs more than 30 bucks. I settled for one that costs $8.80 from CK departmental store. The mat shows embarrassing imprints when my body presses against it. As it is it weighs a ton I didn't like to sling it over my shoulder. Hence I put my yoga mat in a shopping trolley which is also useful for shopping after class. I guess my appearance alone makes my instructor feel unprofessional.

Once when he was fiddling with the blue tooth player complaining that the beat seemed too slow, I remarked it didn't really matter as we were supposed to follow at our own pace. He seemed a bit offended, sarcastically describing us as 小姐 although in his mind he is probably calling me 婆婆 . I can understand how my behaviour and that of some others undermines his sense of professionalism.  Like any good instructor he wants his participants to get the most out of the class and not just to go through the motion. At least the others are motivated enough to get some stylish outfit. I guess it helps when you see how good your body looks in the mirror. If dressing up at work helps to make one more successful, it should also work in the gym. It has been said " If you know you look great chances are you will act it out too".

While googling to see whether it is a myth that one must wear proper fitness attire I came across this website that lists things you should NOT wear for a workout. It includes:

- cotton shirt and pants because cotton absorbs sweat and you will soon be wearing a wet blanket which is conducive for fungal growth. Instead you should wear "sweat-wicking fabric"

-regular bra which may lead to upper back and shoulder pain after the workout (from excessive bouncing I suppose).

-supper baggy clothing because you don't want to hide your body as the trainer needs to assess whether you are stretching the right muscles and body parts (again I am not  really sure of my objectives)

Seems to me it is not all false advertisement to make us part with our money. Yes I think I better step up a bit. There's no place for a slob nor a 婆婆 in a fitness class.