According to Mary Pipher in her book "Women Rowing North" long duration marriages do not arise from perfect relationship but more from a commitment to stay married by the couple. Having to stick to their decision, these married couples find their own way to navigate through frustrations and frictions.
Some strategies and self learned tactics practiced by them include:
- Being accommodating or adopting habitual quick resolutions to conflicts (like talking through disagreements)
- Allowing emotional and social space
- Listening and empathizing without giving advice and knowing what not to say
- Communicating needs
- Balancing each other in behaviour but not remaining too stuck
- Modifying expectations
- Ignoring small stuff and focusing on the positive traits of the spouse
The book is about "navigating life's currents and flourishing as we age". Given that average life span has increased married couples must consciously learn to live more happily together.
Thinking in terms of my husband first I feel he needs to step up on number 3 above. At the least he should learn what not to say. Maybe I am a hypochondriac but what I hate most is when he brushes my medical concerns aside as "imaginations" and "all in the mind".
On my part, I should practice modifying expectations and communicating my needs. I must always remember my husband is no mind reader especially so when he is the type who displays very little emotion. I should stop hoping girlishly for surprised gifts and just be direct and instructional on what I want for special occasions for instance. Likewise I need to bury lingering expectations that a leopard can still change its spots and close one eye on his bad habits focusing instead on his traits that gel with harmonious family living. For example I must never forget how he patiently put up with my leaky gut and joint aches during our travels and literally lifts me up during hikes to view awesome scenery
After all I have to admit that we still manage considerably well as co-CEOs running the household despite the frustrations we present each another. As Rita Rudner an American comedian once said, "I love being married. It is so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life".
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