Sunday, July 28, 2019

The Forbidden "Hi Daddy"



When we were about to start the workshop for children from divorced families, a knock on the door was followed by a man peeping into our room.

"Hi XYZ, XYZ how are you?" he called animatedly. He then tried to catch XYZ's eyes gesturing desperately. XYZ, an 8 year old boy seated in the front row ignored him.

"Sorry you are?" I asked.

"I'm his father," he replied.

I tried to get XYZ to greet his father but to no avail. The man uttered goodbye dejectedly and left, not in embarrassment I hope.

I know a bit about XYZ from the first session. He is under his mother's custody and lives with his maternal grandfather who brings him to attend the workshop by cab, as mum is travelling for work. The father was at our centre attending another workshop meant for parents from divorced families and had probably hoped to see his son.

When the father left closing the door quietly I asked XYZ softly why he didn't say 'hi' to his father. XYZ replied that his mother told him never to speak to dad and that he doesn't like dad anyway. I can imagine how hurt the man must have felt.

Having known cases of emotionally scarred children whose divorced parents are embroiled in bitter conflict, I sometimes wonder why these couples are not able to manage their behaviour, knowing quite well the adverse impact the conflict has on their children. I am still stumped why divorce is such an intensely emotional affair. Understandably it is equivalent to a loss of a loved one, a broken dream and dashed hopes of a happy future Spouses may feel like victims of injustice or personal failure or both, thus giving rise to anger, bitterness, guilt and anxiety. I can only conclude there is deep attachment involved and only a conscious effort to let go will help in the emotional unbonding.

At the workshop we have taught the children that it is a myth that they have to help their parents cope with the divorce and the truth is their parents WILL learn to cope with their own emotions and thoughts. The sooner these parents learn to detach and accept the loss, the less adverse impact the divorce will have on these children.

XYZ will then be able to say "Hi Daddy" with a smile sooner.

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