Opportunity to heal

My fitness class instructor does not like me. It is plain for all to see, though my classmates tell me to just ignore his nonsense.  I have very low co-ordination and observation skills and thus have difficulty following his movements. It also does not help that I can't follow the pace as well.

He exhibits either avoidance by passing over my spot or when he really can't take it comes over and exaggerates the correct steps before my very eyes. Today he came over and threw his arms and feet about in a frenzy way telling the class this was how I look. He then preached about control of body movement to the class. Though I laughed along I felt sore and was peeved inside. My daughter does not understand why I put up with such a instructor who seems frustrated in training seniors.

I questioned myself why I felt upset . Nobody in my class was amused in an impolite way. I drew parallel to my childhood experiences in a renowned primary school where many rich people sent their daughters. Those days a class teacher taught almost all the subjects other than art and physical education which meant if you were not in the teacher's good books you suffered for at least a year. Being neither clever nor rich in class when I was in primary 5, I belonged to the lowest caste in the eyes of my class teacher who was often showered with home baked cakes and puddings by parents. I was either ignored or made an example of for any inadequacy. There was an incident where my foolish answer to a question generated such incredulity that she roared and writhed in prolonged 'wicked' laughter with the whole class as a chorus. That incident tops the list of dreaded ridicule I have ever suffered in my life or at least in my memory. As in any conditions there are causes and effects. The good effect on me is that I refrain from ridiculing any one intentionally to cause shame or embarrassment. The bad effect is a heightened sensitivity to shame and ridicule so much so that I loathe to be the odd one out in any circumstances, in a deemed negative way ie. not in accordance with social norm or approval.

To process this childhood imprint I must take this opportunity offered by my fitness instructor 5 decades after that childhood insult. Looking back at this morning's incident I find it rather amusing and how ridiculous my reaction was. If after the hurt I can laugh at the superficiality of it all, I should be able to erase the imprint of my childhood and be a character unmoved by silly perceptions of others. After more than half a century it is time to heal.