The Last of 2017

"The present changes the past. Looking back you do not find what you left behind"-Kiran Desai in The Inheritance of Loss

 2017 will soon be another year of the past. Is the past locked in time? Does the past remains unchanged? It is true that what has happened happened and can never be changed or undone. However whether it will be locked in time depends on the present. As we progress we should see our past differently unless we are determined to lock a certain view forever.

The following is a case example

In primary school I was despised by a clique of smart and rich girls. The class teacher often reinforced the hurt by embarrassing me openly; whilst yet another group of girls looked on sympathetically. Since then I intensely hated getting the look of pity on peoples' faces, hence propelling me to constantly try never to fall behind others in all aspects.  Over time however that intensity decreases with new perspectives and priorities.

In that sense the past is constantly changed by new beliefs of the numerous presents.

"Looking back you do not find what you left behind"

Talking with my Shadow

Since it is close to year end which calls for new resolutions I shall carry on to discuss about engaging my shadows.

Though I have a natural love for all children I can hardly say it's the same for all people in general. I can be quite condescending especially towards people whom I regard as trivial and narrow in outlook.  I am always reminded by Plato's quote "an unexamined life is not worth living" and yet am constantly frustrated with my own inability to achieve a real breakthrough in the search for deeper meaning. Hence the delight that 'simple' people get from basic enjoyment and simple engagement probably upset me because it casts doubt on Plato's statement and proves these people have the simple answer which I can not comprehend or experience.

Going by psychological wisdom, the people whom you dislike most have characteristics that you actually possess and find hard to accept within yourself thus projecting onto others. That being the case can it be my own 'narrowness' I am unable to tolerate?

To help me accept more of others and myself I could again rely on Bernanke's words of encouragement for people who are endowed and lucky in so many ways to "contribute to the betterment of the world and to share their luck with others". Included in his list of "luckiest in health, family support, educational and career opportunities" is also the "luckiest in genetic endowment".

Thus if a person is superficial or trivial or petty much has to do with his or her upbringing, education and genetics. Even if I deem myself relatively less of being such than someone whom I look upon disdainfully I must remind myself of being more lucky (if what I deemed is indeed true). Bernanke quoted the Gospel of Luke in the Bible: "From everyone to whom much has been given, much will be required; and from the one to whom much has been entrusted, even more will be demanded".

If I can't contribute to these people's betterment I can at least be less condescending. It doesn't 'require' that much does it?

Gratitiude

I started writing this blog in 2007 after resigning from a corporate job and had lots of time on hand. It has been 10 years since. I named my blog "still searching" then to describe my situation after the loss of identity and purpose which a job so readily provided. I embarked on a search for a vocation which I hoped would make me feel more fulfilled than repeatedly resubmitting drafts of financing proposals and pandering to the whims and idiosyncrasies of bosses. I guess there were elements of mid life crisis and the quest for authenticity of some form. Of course overnight I also lost the lucrative income and perks as well as missed the humouring from business associates and junior staff.

A counselling qualification, 5 years of school counselling and years of volunteering later I now wonder whether I should still be retaining the "still searching" logo. Have I found what I was searching for after 10 long years?

To be honest, my counselling work has not yielded results as concretely recognisable as would the completion of a project in my previous job. The lavish celebration and accolades from the bankers would attest to that. In contrast I can only count within the fingers of one hand the number of children whom I can confidently claimed to have changed for the better  from my counselling engagement. As for the rest I can only vaguely guess or hope that I have been of help and comfort. Many a moment I have wondered whether the decision to quit was a wise move. How does one measure a visible accolade and monetary rewards against the smile on a child's face? Will I ever stop succumbing to the habit of tracking results?

To keep me on course I revert time and again to the following words of Thomas Merton (poet, social activist and Trappist monk):

" Do not depend on the hope of results. You may have to face the fact that your work will be apparently worthless and even achieve no result at all, if not perhaps results opposite to what you expect. As you get used to this idea, you start more and more to concentrate not on the results, but on the value, the rightness, the truth of the work itself. You gradually struggle less and less of an idea and more and more for specific people. In the end, it is the reality of personal relationship that saves everything." 

In retrospect the experiences of the last 10 years have helped me gain much self awareness and deal with the "narrowness" of my ego which a corporate position would clearly impede. Coming into contact with people from a totally different field and having the privilege of people sharing their life challenges and just having more time on hand to read or listen to podcast, have perpetuated deeper reflections about life and humanity which inevitably led to more spiritual contemplation.

Is the search still on then? For sure I have drifted vaguely towards a certain direction which I believe is where I would want to be. Having said that the search is still on to find strategies to address certain shadows ( arrogance and suffer no fools syndrome just to name one) which are obstacles to my inner growth.

Just last week a boy at the Children's home told me he is happy that his birthday in 2018 falls on a Thursday. "Why? Isn't everyday the same during the December school holidays ?" I asked. "It's the day you come for sandplay!" he replied. (I have given him a present in advance of his birthday and no one has turned up on his actual birthday). Again I am reminded by Bernake: "From everyone to whom much has been given, much will be required".

Yes above all else I have learnt to be grateful, really grateful.

Try a bit harder

Some of the kids in my sandplay program at the Children's home have become bored with individual therapy and ask for joint sessions with another participant. Hence I have allowed joint sessions that evolve more into play sessions. To make the sessions more beneficial for them I have introduced counselling  cards and interactive board games where one child can hear another talk about their fears and joys etc.

One such card set consists of pairs of feelings like 'excited', 'embarrassed', 'surprised', 'sad', 'angry' etc. In one such joint session were 2 girls one 8 and another 10 years of age. The younger girl has a deep anger issue and often throws huge tantrum. She is under the purview of a school psychologist and had on one occasion threw things at the psychologist. I have been with the older child for 2 years and she is now more stable, matured and well behaved compared to earlier years. At the start of the session the younger girl wanted to play 'restaurant' where my role is to be a customer whilst the girls take turns to be chef and manager. ( An opportunity for me to point out their strength be it in organising the kitchen, creativity in writing out the menu and co-operation between them). However I suggested playing the card game first which didn't go very well with the younger girl.

The card game which all 3 of us played is very much like the donkey card game where upon getting a pair of similar cards you throw the pair down. I just twisted the game to make each player share an experience of the feeling written on cards when the pair are thrown down. The older girl was very expressive and even shared an occasion of being embarrassed when she wet the bed. The younger girl however was not expressive, either because she has limited vocabulary or too young to share on top of already being sulky. She threw down a pair of 'sad' cards and refused to say anything. The older girl asked her whether she was sad when her mum didn't show up on her birthday to which she nodded before we proceeded with the game. Her birthday is in November.

When the game was over we went on to play the restaurant game. Half way through though the pair got into a heated exchange with the younger girl spewing out some vulgarities. Apparently the older girl was pretending to be angry in her role play as manager and scolded the 'chef'. The 'chef' however didn't accept being scolded even at role play. Despite the older child trying to convince the younger that it was all 'play' 'play' the later's anger did not abate. I then persuaded the older child to leave the room before hell broke lose as the younger child was beginning to grab things for throwing.

When the older girl left the younger one was still uttering profanities and I tried to calm her down explaining that it was all play and no one was angry with her. She refused to listen and made a gesture of wanting to hit me. In helpless response I told her we started off the session playing happily together and we could have ended the session being happy instead of being angry for nothing and that we have a choice to be happy or angry. What she retorted astounded me and affected me upon reflection. She said angrily "Not every one can be happy like you".

Her response was just as spontaneous as mine, an utterance from the inner child.

I have been thinking about it. I need to find a skilled supervisor to assist me in my work. The girl's appointments with the psychologist are months apart whilst I have more regular contacts with her. I actually have more opportunity to help her but I need to have more skill. I need to learn from someone instead of just relying on my usual strategies and research.

I am searching for a skilled counsellor/psychologist as my supervisor. I am writing this in my blog to push myself to actually do it instead of procrastinating.

"Not everyone can be happy like you".

I am not happy all the time my dear little girl but we can always try a bit harder to be.

The Chinese Mother

I am reading a book "Street of Eternal Happiness" by Rob Schmitz, a foreign journalist who lives in China. The book gives accounts and life stories of several people living or working in the same street in Shanghai where the author resides.

One particular account is about a florist who migrated to Shanghai many years ago from a small mining town in the rural region of Shangdong and at such is a wai di ren  外地人 ie.not a local. Leaving her 2 sons in the care of her miner husband to seek a better future for the family, she started off as a factory worker. By the age of 32 she was retrenched because hordes of younger Chinese women were flooding to the cities. Fortunately she apprenticed under a kind elderly couple in a flower shop and eventually started her own florist.

When financial circumstances got better her elder son joined her in Shanghai and did extremely well in middle school which would have gotten him into an elite high school in Shanghai which was a stepping stone to top universities. Unfortunately when discovered that he was a wai di ren he was told that he could only enroll himself in the high school in the province where he came from and where he could sit for the entrance examination into colleges. Thus he went back to his province but was in for a rude shock. He had expected a breeze in the rural high school having been among the top students in the Shanghai middle school. Instead he found himself almost at the bottom of his high school class. It turned out that the provincial schools had raised the standard of their school syllabus and raised the level of difficulty of the school exams to sieve out the elite students from the massive cohort in the province. Demoralised after failing school exams the boy turned to computer games and eventually dropped out of school; and like his mother would return to Shanghai as a migrant worker.

Meanwhile the florist's second son had exhibited what was termed as "left behind children"'s symptoms, withdrawn and anti-social. It is estimated that China has 61 million of 'left behind children" and doctors are beginning to notice many psychological problems surfacing in these children. Rightly or wrongly the florist's second son was said to be autistic and was sent to a special school miles away from both parents.

The florist lamented to the author about feeling guilty for what she deemed as ruining the lives of her children despite her being definitely more well off  than  her friends and neighbours in Shangdong. The author described her as feeling responsible and worrying incessantly for her children. He  quoted her saying "Chinese people just can't let things go . We always live for others, for the next generation. It's endless......Sometimes I wonder whether if there will ever be a day when I start to live for myself."

For most mothers of Chinese origin I think the answer is 'No' whether they are in China or in other parts of the world. It is like some collective consciousness moulded into the DNA.

Lincoln in the Bardo

Just finished the book Lincoln in the Bardo which was awarded the 2017 Man Booker Prize in UK and is in the New York bestseller list. The novel began with the death of Willie Lincoln the son of Abraham Lincoln at age 11 of typhoid fever. It also happened at the peak of the American Civil War with great losses of men on both sides. Although the word Bardo never appears in the whole book except in its title, bardo in Tibetan Buddhism is a state before rebirth. Reading the book it becomes clearly obvious that George Saunders, the author is a Buddhist as many Buddhist concepts are subtly interwoven into the story line and yet so well exemplified. The narrators are mainly 3 ghosts that are stucked in the Bardo because of their inability to detach from their previous lives and their refusal to acknowledge their death. The book is also full of citations from the press and various writers of that period relating to the death as well as the waging civil war and the toll of both on Abraham Lincoln.

As it turned out Abraham visited his son's grave at night and promised to be back again. Willie  hence refused to leave for the next world. As per the story children who die should depart as quickly as possible to avoid being entrenched and rooted by beings from some realm. Hence the 3 ghost narrators tried their best to help both father and son to stop holding on to each other. The grief of the father is written in such heart wrenching words. One critique of the book explained that the poignant grief also represents the grief for all the sons lost during the civil war and the great guilt upon the President. "Some blows fall too heavy upon those too fragile"

There are also many sub plots about a whole host of other ghosts who were dying to narrate and keep retelling the stories of their lives. You get the general sense of it, the regrets, the vengeance, the unfulfilled dreams, the guilt and the inability to let go. "So many wills, memories, complaints, desires, so much raw life-force".

 "Universal heartbreak.... part of human condition". In my mind one word sums it all "Durkha" - the universality of sufferings from attachment which George Saunders so deftly articulates in the book. He also also weaves in the concept of impermanence when he describes Abraham Lincoln's thoughts of his son:

He came out of nothingness, took form, was loved, was always bound to return to nothingness.
Only I did not think it would be so soon.
Or that he would precede us.
Two passing temporariness developed feelings for one another.
Two puffs of smoke became mutually fond.
I mistook him for a solidity, and now must pay
........
All alter, are altering, in every instant.


Truly a book with words that linger.


















thinking of the great unwritten story of our country is that community’s resilience, and the faith in the American ideals, in spite of the shit that was being piled on them relentlessly.”

No easy task

I attended a lecture on Parenting Capacity Assessment at the counselling centre where I practice sandplay therapy. This is something new to me. Basically the task involves the assessment of the parents' capacity to meet the needs of their child and enhance his/her development. Very often this task is carried out on behalf of the court or other authorities when concerns arise with regards to a parent's ability to safely care for their child. Concerns arise when parents are found to have mental illness, have substance abuse or have limited intellectual functioning. Assessment is conducted when decisions have to be made about removing or restoring children to the care of their parents.

Amongst many of my takeaways and new learnt facts is a cautionary note that a parentified child is not necessary an indication of the lack of parental capacity. (A parentified child is one who parents  his/her parents ie. the role is reversed). This brought to mind a student whom I counselled when I was a school counsellor. His mother was suffering from depression and he had to ensure she was not missing her medication ontop of him doing household chores. I could not recall what his presenting issue for counselling was but I remember this primary school boy as a street smart bossy Ah Beng who talked like an adult. He definitely did not come across as emotionally impaired, at least outwardly. Thus it was mentioned at the lecture that in the case of parents with psychiatric problems, the effect of the illness impacting the child has to be assessed carefully.

This I feel is not an easy task indeed. Outwardly these children may appear to be in control and often are quite bossy in behaviour. Basically for a healthy normal development, a child is free to explore while having the safety net of the parents to fall back upon. Children who feel responsible for their parents may become overwhelmed and anxious which may be detrimental to their mental health and inhibiting their freedom to experience the world.

All in all my main takeaway is that the task of assessing parental capacity with multitudes of factors to consider and fact finding necessary from all persons involved in the child's world  is no easy endeavour. In the first place who can actually define what is good parenting or for that matter minimal parenting.

Balinese Wisdom

I was in Bali last weekend. All the streets were lined with decorative bamboos "penjor" with offering baskets suspended at the end. From 1 Nov for 10 days the Balinese celebrate Galungan,  a festival about "togetherness". Apparently every family hangs one bamboo. Where the offerings are more and heavier the bamboo droops lower forming an arc over the street. The driver told us it is a reminder to the people that the more you have the humbler you should be. You can see the locals all dressed in ceremonial dresses with baskets of food and flowers atop their head walking to the temple. The women usually wear white or yellow kebayas and the men are mostly in white tops.

During Galungan the creator of the universe and the spirits of the ancestors are honoured. Families come together to share food and immerse in the festive spirit.

Occasionally along the streets you come across a small group of teenagers doing a dance with a mythical animal head accompanied by the sound of gongs and other musical instruments. The driver told us it is known as the Barong dance where the mythical beast is invited into the villagers' home to restore the balance of good and evil. The Balinese believe there is good and evil in all things and it is mankind's duty to keep the two forces in balance. The concept is that evil can not be defeated but can be brought under control. The Barong ceremony aims to achieve the delicate balance between these universal forces.

I find this very interesting. Instead of just purging out or blocking out evil the Hindu Balinese recognise it and believe the best way to deal with it is to have it controlled to derive a balance or equilibrium. Immediately I think of Carl Jung 's concept of accepting the 'shadow' in ourselves. Jungians advocate that "shadow integration" has to continue to take place throughout our lives. "Coming to terms with the shadow and constructively accepting and assimilating it into the conscious personality is central to the process of Jungian analysis".

I always feel that Bali has an air of indigenous wisdom and it is once again manifested during this trip.

Right speech Right action

I am not trying to preach here but I think "right speech" and "right action" as part of the Buddhist eight fold noble path to reduce sufferings is so evident in our lives.

My colleague and I counsel a mother and her 15 year old boy respectively. Their relationship is estranged as the single mother has all along left the care of the child to a relative in another home. During a joint session when all 4 of us were present my colleague and I thought there was some headway as both mother and child cleared some misunderstanding and bared some truths.

I had a session with the boy recently and learned from him that things had turned sour again. It started off well when the boy and his guardians invited the mother to their home to celebrate her birthday. They had bought a cake. Meanwhile the boy had made an appointment with the technical support of a telco to call him around 7pm. According to him his mother was aware of that but insisted that he took his shower and kept nagging at him. As it happened he missed the call whilst taking the shower. He said the call meant a great deal to him. He was so pissed off that he shut himself in the room after slamming the door, refusing to participate in mum's cake cutting. This was followed by more heated exchange. The episode ended with the boy watching his mum left on her motor bike from his bedroom window.

I tried to get him to reflect what he would do differently if given a chance to relive that day to achieve his original intention of celebrating mum's birthday. I also asked him to reflect what mum could be feeling when he watched her leaving on the motorbike. Though he defended himself vehemently I could tell he knew his mother was hurt.

Though it is not common for counselors to disclose their personal feelings I could not help but express how I felt hearing his account. I told him I felt it was such a great pity that what had started off as a happy occasion (rare in their circumstances) was brought to an unpleasant end by rash actions and lack of patience and tolerance.

After the session whilst recalling and writing my case notes, the image of the son watching from his bedroom window his mum leaving on her motorbike and the image of a crushed mother leaving a blotched celebration on her birthday evoked in me a sense of the pointlessness of unwise actions and speech.

 

Financially incomapatible- is it a problem?

In an article "What being financially shamed taught me about relationships" Simone Paget related how her boyfriend broke up with her citing incompatibility in earning power. He remarked "I want someone who can keep up with me."

Simone came from a financially poor background where her parents had to make do with DIY Cabbage Patch kid toys for the children, make shift furniture, dressed-up sofa which hid the wear and tear and a rusty volkswagen to send the kids to school. She didn't feel embarrassed except for once when a friend described her house decor as "weird". However when this pampered boyfriend gave his reasons for the break up she felt like a "six year old again, watching ashamed and horrified as someone kicked my DIY-ed Cabbage Patch Kid down the street because she said it was 'stupid and fake'."

Indeed in marriage counselling finances is a subject which need to be discussed and compromised. Therapist Alysha Jeney opined that "income, career, debt and relationship with money all come from an emotional place". Hence it is important for a couple to recognise differences in the value and emotional experiences of their partner in relation to money. The consumption habits learned from growing up years have also to be reckoned with. The writer concluded that she became more wary when forming new relationships looking out for compatibility in the attitude towards money and spending.

I thought to myself perhaps that was why in olden days the Chinese placed importance in "木门对木门, 竹门对竹门，”. The literal translation being "wooden door should be matched made to wooden door, bamboo door should be matched made to bamboo door". This would minimize disagreement and discord arising from value and habit differences in upbringing.

Both my husband and I do not come from well to do families and were taught to be frugal. Even then the differences in the extent of frugality and the type of expenses to exercise frugality often result in frustrations and hands throwing up resignation. My father in law had a chicken farm to produce eggs and the family of 11 had encountered seasons when a viral attack on the chicken would wipe out their income for several months to a year. Thus the need to save for a rainy day was ingrained in the children especially the older siblings. Not only that the need to stock up supplies for unexpected hard times had such an everlasting influence on my husband that I had to accept sorting out closer to expiry sauces, can food, beverages ever so often. The whole store room is also filled with spoilt gadgets the parts of which may prove useful when repairing another gadget. Many a times I have to tell him outright "You are no longer that poor. grow out of it". 

Of course my own consumption habits have their shortcomings too. My mother loved little luxuries that came along once in a blue moon. So once a while she would splurge on a very costly tin of UK imported biscuit or chocolates for the children. Also she would save up for a very beautiful but expensive fabric to make a gorgeous dress. The imprint on me is "expensive means good" in quality. Hence when I can afford I will go blindly  for the higher priced product which is a total attack on my husband's look out for the 'good and cheap'. Fortunately we have sort of agreed on the rights over purchase of different household items.

Can you then imagine what it is like if a daughter of a tycoon marries a man from an average income background. It reminds me of the book "Crazy Rich Asians" where one of the character is a tycoon's daughter who married a government scholar or something. She had to hide her dresses when she returned from her shopping spree in Europe.

Well at the end of the day relationship is about accepting minor incompatibilities as long as they are not deal breakers, right? So I must say to Simone, the writer "Good Luck".

Peak-end rule

As per Wikipedia "The peak-end rule is a psychological heuristic in which prople judge an experience based on how they felt at its peak (ie. its most intense point) and at its end rather than based on the total sum or average of every moment of the experience. The effect occurs regardless of whether the experience is pleasant or unpleasant." Basically it is because of a memory bias on emotional peaks and a memory bias on recency.

I was listening to a podcast on how businesses can make use of this phenomena to win loyal customers. An example was a raving review for a hotel from a set of parents. Their toddler had left his favourite soft toy in the hotel room after checking out. Back home the child was kicking a huge tantrum and refused to go to bed. The father requested the hotel to message him a photo of the teddy bear inside the hotel room so he could pacify the child with the tale that teddy wanted to stay a bit longer to enjoy himself. What blew them off was when teddy bear came in the delivery complete with a whole album of teddy enjoying himself at the pool, the gym, the playroom etc.

I can personally vouch for this too. I only vaguely remember the services offered by one investment bank assisting us on a M&A project but what stood out in my memory were 2 things. At the end of the project at a celebration dinner our project team was presented with a comic version of the process and comprised of all the team members drawn in the image of characters in the Matrix movie. Another retained memory of the bank was when having flown into New York for a roadshow past midnight with an empty stomach and immediately summoned for a in-house meeting by the chiefs who had arrived much earlier, a gentle knock at the door of the meeting room was heard and a little brown paper bag containing sandwiches was sneaked through the slightly opened door by a project member from that bank. The first memory was a happy ending to a prolonged event whilst the second memory was an emotional peak experience of the satisfaction of hunger. Perhaps my bosses remembered the bank by more significant attributes but ordinary folks like me succumb to this peak-end theory.

The podcast went on to suggest that we can apply this theory to our everyday life to spice it up a bit. The way to do is to depart from routine once a while. Maybe instead of the usual restaurant dinner on your birthday try observing fasting after 3 pm and distract yourself from the growling stomach with a visit to the night safari. This is just on top of my head. A Chinese New Year celebration packing the whole extended family to a grand picnic at the park may also become a year to remember. Departing from the usual 'must-see' or 'best-time' travel itinerary also makes it unforgettable. My family's experience in  a cold and deserted Santorini one winter was so exciting and impressionable. Though few cafes were opened and the island was deserted we had open uninterrupted view of every blue dome against the white washed settings in all their splendour whilst hiding from the chilly winter winds. We literally walked into the gardens and yards of shutted cottages and hotels to peep at the luxuries within and took long walks at night to reach the few good restaurants that were still opened. I doubt we could have a better experience during a hot and crowded Santorini summer.

To have a montage of beautiful life pictures in your mind, try for such peak memories.

Each own equilibrium

Continuing from the last blog about my stay in Perth I must relate some interesting eavesdrop conversations. On our trip to the Airport we found ourselves squeezed with 2 Caucasian couples in a small van shuttle service. After some brief where-from and where-to  introductions the other 2 couples found some very common topics of conversation. Both coincidentally just got off from the 'Princess' cruise liner at Fremantle. The British couple are probably in their sixties whilst the New Zealand couple appear to me to be much older, probably in their late sixties or early seventies. It is difficult though to tell the age of Caucasians. I feel they generally look older than their age.

So there was an animated exchange of complaints and grouses about their cruise experience frequently punctuated with "we paid them good money right". However what really amused me was their shared complaint about the lack of interesting activities and the average age of the crowd. They were aghast that the average age of the passengers was 75 and they were frustrated with the bean bag throwing exercises. The New Zealand woman said she approached the staff to introduce more interesting programs like Ballroom dancing perhaps but was told that the cruise had to cater to the preferences of the majority. Then they complained about a virus which spread like wildfire keeping 7 out of 10 away from one of their dinner tables. The New Zealand man apparently was recovering after paying a few hundred bucks on doctor's fees. They joked that the doctor on the ship probably made the most money.

What I found so amusing is what I would describe as the elderly being ageist themselves. The sixties complained about the behaviour of the seventies and probably the seventies about the eighties and so on. I laugh because I find myself being one occasionally. For instance at large company AGMs I literally squirm when a retiree investor implores the board for more dividend or tries to create some jokes with ridiculous questions. I perceive these people as 以老卖老  (flaunting one's age or seniority by ignoring manners and appropriateness ) . I also accuse older people of incorrect memories (especially my sisters') when I myself am the culprit. My biased perception tends to question theirs because they are older.

However those eavesdropped conversations en-route to the airport conjures  the picture of a van of drifters (including my husband and me ) always in search of interesting experiences. Not a bad thing except that they are fleeting and often fall short of our expectations. We need to return home to a base with a sense of purpose. It can be derived from simple things like taking care of grandchildren or a pet, being involved in some community services or religious institutions or pouring our energy into a hobby like gardening which I so admired observing the hosts of my Airbnb stay in Perth (as described in my previous blog).

As retirees we are free to choose the mix that fits us best, the balance between finding purpose and just relaxing; for each their own equilibrium.

Being alive

My first Airbnb experience was wonderful. The air fare to Perth was so attractive that I had to find something worthwhile to do there. Googling images of Perth in spring gave rise to the purpose of seeing wild flowers. Indeed the pictures of bright yellow Canola fields and the wild flowers along walking tracks provided tips on the destinations I should be heading for.

So I chose an accommodation in Kalamunda (an hour from Perth) which was near the start of a hiking track and also not too far from the town called York which is in the vicinity of Canola fields amongst other farms. Kalamunda itself is a wooded hilly region which one can see from Perth city in the horizon.

Little did I know I was checking into a mini botanical garden nurtured by an elderly couple. The room with an ensuite living area was on the second floor with a separate entrance from the main entrance. As the house was perched on a hill slope, the window views look directly into the tree tops giving one the feeling of staying in a tree house. What is most remarkable however is the great variety of trees, plants and flowers that the couple so painstakingly cultivated. There was a prune tree in full bloom which looks like cherry blossom and we could help ourselves to the lemons from the lemon tree. A great number of the species we subsequently spotted during our short hike and in Perth's King's park can be found in the hosts' garden. In fact they even have some rather unique plants. Kangaroos were hopping outside the fence and you can actually see very colourful birds perching on the trees from the bedroom window.

Before I am too carried away by the premise I must rave about the  hosts. They are probably in their late sixties or early seventies but what strikes me is their full commitment and zest in tending their plot of land. The irrigation system, the nursery patches, the compost yard, the protected seedlings in little cages, various types of enclosure, the wild flowers and trees that blend into the surroundings and various gardening tools bear traces of the effort and energy they have put in. Their eyes light up when they speak about their plants. At any time be it in the morning, afternoon or evening they are somewhere outside the house in boots, dirty gloves and pants. I find them very inspiring in that there have found a purpose to indulge in which keeps their retirement living alive. Yes 'alive' is the right word. Though they are a quiet couple they really look alive. Right, we are talking about a passion again and it does not have to be anything sophisticated.

"And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years"

Feel the feelings

In my earlier blog I shared about the workshop session for children of divorced parents which I was assisting in.  In the third and final session, a 11 year old hyper active boy was really a handful refusing to sit at his place and distracting the other kids.

A lot of emphasis is in getting the children to acknowledge their feelings. Activities were designed to normalize the fear, sadness, anger and worry the children are feeling when their parents decide to end their marriage.

The hyper active boy declared loudly he does not feel anything and refused to complete his worksheet. I have to pull him to a corner as he was starting a playful fight with a younger boy. I tried to have a quiet one to one talk with him about his feelings but he again told me in exasperation "I really don't feel anything". The children were also asked to think of a message to their parents expressing feelings and wishes when forced to act as a go between  (I hope you will tell daddy yourself given as an example). The boy filled the sentence starting with "I hope....." as "I hope you will never talk to me forever". This shows there is anger although he declares he has no feelings, a clear denial.

I did a bit of research on why some people do not reveal their feelings or are unable to feel.  Below are a few factors I found which may relate to this boy:

1) The fear that revealing their feelings may make them not only appear weak but may actually make them feel weak and powerless. They avoid dialogue which may end up making them feel worse.

 2) They don't trust that others will respond in caring and supportive ways and fear giving others the opportunity to make them feel worse

3) While some will become withdrawn with an inherent subconscious message "I'm not going to risk your hurting me", there are others who will on the contrary become restless or hyper. This type of people are trying to distract themselves from the hurt inside.

The mind certainly can come up with defensive mechanisms to protect a person from hurting. I certainly hope the boy is just concealing his feelings and has not actually turned numb to stop his pain.

Let the myths linger awhile.

I am helping out in a workshop designed for children from divorced families. During the first session the children learnt about myths and truths. It seems to me one of the hardest truth for the kids is "My parents will never be together again" and the myth that "My parents will be together again" is the most difficult myth to be thrown to the wind.

The second session is about being caught in the middle. The children were asked to express their feelings when used by parents as a go between messenger or when they have to put up with the bad mouthing as well as bearing the brunt of each parent's anger. The children were taught how to send out "I" messages in a tactful way expressing how they feel when caught in these situations. So a worksheet that goes like "I feel........when you........" followed by "I hope..........."  is handed out. Examples were given like "I feel scared when you ask me to tell daddy he can't have time with me next week. I hope you can tell daddy yourself".

However one child insists on writing on the worksheet " I hope you and daddy will be together again" after filling up the first part. The social worker asked him isn't that a myth which was learnt last week. The boy retorted that he always tries to bring his parents together again. When the social worker asked him whether he succeeded he replied "No, but we have to keep on trying". The child is 9 years of age.

In my sandplay engagement with a little girl, it took her more than 10 sessions to finally acknowledge the fruitlessness of hoping for a reconciliation and that was after her mother remarried. Her second last session with me was a poignant sand story about a child and her mother being transported to a new world. The child in the story was petrified that her mum had totally lost all her memories of the old world. Though my client is experiencing a new life with her new dad there is the lingering fear that mum will totally forget the old world they once lived in with her own dad. As I told her mum those memories meant a lot to her.

I guess even when we must learn to live with truths, we can let happy myths linger till its time for them to fly away.

No case notes, just PLAY

A pair of siblings, a boy aged 10 and a girl aged 7, are in my sandplay therapy program in the Malay Children's Home. Typically a sandplay therapy session is a one-to-one engagement where the therapist provides a safe and secure environment for the child to explore self. Hence the child is told that the time and space is totally his. In short he/she is free in his/her own world. For many sessions, the boy had selected action figures to enact fierce one on one fighting manoeuvres in the sand or multitudes of soldiers and artilleries to create some elaborate battles. This is often viewed as the child trying to combat and process internal threats and anger. The sister on the other hand has without fail played at cooking for little baby figurines whom she would put to sleep after the meal (probably part of the inner desire to be nurtured or self assurance she would be). Often when I enquire of the girl whether she will look for her brother for comfort when she is unhappy she would reply that her brother does not care about her. As for the boy he thinks his sister is often miserable, angry, throwing tantrums and uncontrollable. Yet this is the boy who froze and was instantly saddened once during therapy when the noise of a commotion created by her sister filtered into our therapy room. Though living in the same children's home I doubt they have much private time together. As the boy is still very angry with his mother he does not join in when the mother occasionally brings the younger child out.

At the last sandplay session, I deviated from the one to one engagement format. As the older brother was back from school early which is hard to come by, I asked the younger sister's permission to shorten her session in order that her brother can have a session too. The sister agreed but when her brother arrived she refused to leave the therapy room. To avoid her kicking a huge tantrum which she is capable of,  I suggested they played in separate corners of the room which I thought was necessary given the diverse play they usually engage in. The toy kitchen sets, toy food and tea sets were still lying in and around the sand tray. I told him we should clear them so he could build his own story. To my huge surprise he said he did not mind playing with his sister at cooking to which her sister squealed with sheer delight. 

So the siblings took turns to play as chief cook with the other as assistant in cooking meals which I was instructed to order as the customer. Watching the pair of siblings playing whilst "waiting for my food" I could sense the little girl's great joy. You can say I am one huge happy customer observing my little chefs cooking my favourite food. Yet a tinge of sadness pulled my heart a little when I realised how deprived they were ie. deprived of just a normal home setting to play together on their own.

Sometimes I am in a dilemma between doing as the theory and text teach me or just throw them into the wind and act according to what my heart tells me. Before they left big brother asked me "when is it my turn again?" "You want to play with your sister again?" I asked. He nodded shyly.

OK, sandplay therapy is also used for couples in conflict where each partner creates a sand picture or story and describes it as the other partner listens in silence. No, my sibling clients are never going to carry out such a process. They are just going to play like any brother and sister. I will let them and probably play along. 

Sorry no case notes! We are just happy playing together!

Bullying in Singapore schools

" I am a Jew. Hath not a Jew eyes? Hath not a Jew hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions?"

My 15 year old client recited the above verse from "Merchant of Venice" and described himself as Shylock in Nazi Germany. Of mixed Caucasian-Chinese parentage and from a single parent family, he is the only white boy in his neighbourhood school. He has to defend himself against rumours and being made fun of.

The Sunday Times on 20 August 17 reported that Singapore has the third highest rate of bullying globally in a study carried out by OECD. Six types of bullying were mentioned involving physical, verbal and relational/social bullying. In Singapore the top 3 prevalent forms of bullying are being made fun of, being left out on purpose and having nasty rumours spread about them.

The study suggested that bullying in Singapore can be more frequent in schools with poor disciplinary climate. Indeed that is the sense I get when I enquire of my client what actions the teachers usually take when a case of bullying is reported. From his account I imagine an environment where the teachers seem either to have lost control or adopt an indifferent attitude.

Way back when I was working as a part time school counsellor in a neighbourhood school I already noticed the struggle the school seemed to have in managing this problem. Looks like far from improving the situation may have worsen. To be ranked third in the world for bullying is really shocking.

My client has described to me the different cliques that exist in class along racial and national divisions. So there is the predominant local Chinese clique, the Malay clique, the China National clique all of which he finds difficult to penetrate. Does that mean all those wayang wayang (drama) about racial harmony has gone down the drain?

In the same report our students are also found to be suffering from high levels of anxiety. I was wondering whether this correlates to high incidence of bullying. However South Korean students who are also renowned to be high stressed are rank the lowest in rate of bullying. It then must be attributed to inadequacy in character development of our young. Are our schools too focused on academic achievement at the expense of moral education?

The Sunday Times interviewed a 25 year old lady who described being ostracised when she was in Sec 3. "I remembered not looking forward to recess because I didn't have any friends to sit with, and I would make up all kinds of excuses to avoid facing the loneliness and shame at school". "...it can be hard to truly gauge and understand how much a person is suffering inside."

My client has described to me that he feels he is "not alive" in school "dragging himself through classes". When I went home to google more on Shylock's speech in Merchant of Venice I found the following lines:

"If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?"

Yes, in fact my little Shylock was sharing with me about plotting revenge against the Nazis. Sigh....

Malay vs Chinese fruit buyer

Recently I joined my sister in law for a durian trip to Johor organised by her company's recreational club. The Malaysian Chinese local guide is full of humour and entertained us with jokes and anecdotes on Malaysian life.

In one of his so called observations he said that the Malays in Johor are economically better off than before. When they go shopping they are not so concerned with the prices. He made a comparison of the consumer behaviour between a Malay and a Chinese at a fruit stall. The Malay customer will ask for a kg of this fruit and that before knowing the price. A Chinese consumer however will be poking at the fruits with her fingers or asking for free tasting. She will then criticise the fruit for lack of freshness or sweetness. Then she starts haggling for a better price quoting a lower price which another stall down the road is selling. Well it may be true to an extent and all for a good laugh,

However his observation does remind me of a natural feeling or inherent belief I have growing up in Malaysia. To be frank I feel more at ease transacting with a Malay than a Chinese. For instance I will trust that a Malay taxi driver will not purposely take a longer route to the destination just to earn a dollar more. Apparently TJ Newbold, a traveller and orientalist who worked with the East India Company in the early 20th Century remarked that the local Malays are " much more honest than the natives of China and of India" in commercial dealings, "by whom, however, he is far surpassed in industry and perseverance."

So that's a fact. Chinese are industrious and perseverant but, in my opinion, to a point of pragmatism that fringes competitiveness at all cost . I guess a lot of it has to do with the collective endurance of hardship throughout history. The Malays on the other hand are less competitive and more relaxed and gentle in manner. Ian Lloyd a National Geographic photographer who spent a long time in Malaysia said "Malaysians have an enviable sense of contentment, unusual in today's frenetically paced world....the soul of the country still resides in the kampongs, or villages, where traditional values and caring for the community are what counts.."

When I visit the Malay Pertapis Children's Home for sandplay therapy with the kids, I usually offer them sweets at the end of the session. During the fasting month of Ramadan I refrained from doing that. On one visit during Ramadan I informed the kids I was unable to visit the following week as I had to see a child at another center whom I had not met for months. One Malay kid asked me whether the child I would be seeing is Chinese or Malay to which I replied she was a Chinese girl. The Malay kid then added "then you must remember to bring sweets for her because Chinese do not fast".

I wonder whether a Chinese kid would remind me had the situation be reversed. Maybe I am biased but I really doubt so. Who knows a Chinese kid, like the Chinese fruit customer, may even ask that I accumulate her entitlement of sweets each week till Ramadan is over!

Nonchalance

Recently I encountered 2 young men who were quite impolite in a matter of fact way. One was at Cold Storage Supermarket the butchery department. I asked the young butcher (probably in his early 20's) whether he could help cut the ribs into smaller pieces. He asked me with a blank face "Who will pay my medical cost if I cut my fingers?" "Of course your company," I laughed. He was not amused but just went on to say that he couldn't cut them any smaller.  I was taken aback by his poor customer service attitude but was not angry, only slightly put off. Instead I walked away a bit puzzled and strangely enough with a bit of admiration for such youthful nonchalance.

It happened again today in the wet market. The son of the old vegetable seller was manning another section of the stall. He seemed to be in really bad mood and was pulling a long face. He called the attention of the customers next in line for payment by tapping his fingers impatiently. The customers seemed to be afraid of him. When it was my turn I asked him to include some scallion and celery. He said he only had short celery. "Oh those aren't yours?" I pointed to 2 baskets close to his stall. "What do you think?" he said. "I don't know," I said. I exchanged a glance of disbelief with another customer. Again I wasn't angry but more surprised by the "Can't care two hoots" attitude from the young man.

I find that whilst I like people who are warm and friendly I have always admire people with a nonchalance air around them.

Ogden Nash (American poet) wrote:
"I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance (unconcern)
Were it not for making a living, which is rather a nouciance (nuisance)"
He seems to be alluding to how work gets in the way of a carefree and heedless lifestyle

Maybe nonchalance and insouciance have always been part of my alto ego, which my conscious self is not brave enough to embrace. The defiant attitude of the 2 youngsters reminds me of my shadow.

Big Questions in Life to be answered

Today's BT runs an article "A Good Death" and discusses what constitutes a Good Death and not how the poet Dylan Thomas described as "Rage, rage against the dying of the light".

The chief of clinical affairs, Tsao Foundation opined that a good death is "one with a good mind, one that is peaceful and one that has closure. All the big questions in life have been answered..."

When I read the last bit I can not help but let out a cynical snort. "All the big questions in life have been answered?" Can anyone really achieve that? Maybe if the person does not have really BIG questions.

Reading on the good doctor talks about how one should prepare for a good death. For a start one has to live a responsible and conscientious life so as not to depart with regrets and guilt. Perhaps that is what he means by the big questions eg. have I been a good parent, child, sibling or person in the world?

He then goes on to say that those who are prepared are usually contented, accepting and also grateful. To achieve this, groundwork has to be laid in various aspects, financial, legal, psychological, medical and spiritual. Whilst the first 2 are more manageable I feel the later ones require longer duration of effort and good cultivation. Whilst the drawing of a will and the making of an AMD cum LPA  can be done quickly when one stops procrastinating, how does one prepare psychologically for the physical pain accompanying illnesses prior to death. In particular what strategy does one adopt if the lucid mind is aware of its gradual decline into unawareness.

In addition psychological and spiritual preparation may not be so simple. One wakeful night from an overdose of caffeine I stared into the ceiling and asked myself in all honesty what I believe will happen after death. I had pursued bible studies in school and attended Buddhist classes decades later. Whilst the idea of returning home to a beloved father is comforting , the principle of cause and effect and the resultant reincarnation from the seed of  consciousness seems more tenable. Yet there are doubts and anguish which need to be resolved and processed. These in my mind are the Big questions in life that must be answered.

Having said that what is equally important is to be at peace and find gratitude in THIS life. It is looking through life nearing death and said I have been true to myself and have done what I could to bring some sunshine into the lives of others.

Indeed all are big questions but not so easily answered.

Living with boredom has to be learnt

Two days ago I conducted story telling at the Library. The story like many fairy tales has a repeated storyline. It is about a poor fisherman, having caught a golden fish and releasing it back into the sea, was granted wishes. In the story he was sent by his wife 5 times to ask for more riches and power till finally they were restored to their original state after the wife asked to be the queen of the sea.

It is very common to find repeated scenes or repeated actions in fairy tales and children stories. So they are many fairy tales where the main character has to undergo several challenges to triumph over evil. A simple animal story would also have one baby animal approaching several other different animals with the same question to solve a mystery.

However like my session two days ago I observe increasingly that young children get quite restless and start fidgeting when they sense a repeated sub plot or storyline. I have been conducting story telling for close to 10 years and find it more difficult to select story books that can hold the children's attention. In other words I feel today's children seem to be easily bored. That is why I have to look for books which I can dramatise into the like of a  TV show or computer game.  Children story books have repeated phrases or scenes with the intention for children to retain the words or theme. However today's children may be so smart that this may not be necessary.

Seems to me technology has created so much fun for children there is no chance for them to experience delayed gratification ie. they do not have opportunity to live with boredom. "Free baby sitting services" provided by technology has blasted their minds with visual and audio stimulation unmatched by print media. Moreover parents are quick to offer alternatives once their kids complain about an activity being uninteresting.

So last Tuesday I have some parents walking out halfway through the story because their kids found the story too boring and started to be restless. I think they have no patience for the fisherman's wife to build up her ambitions. They want their children's wish to be answered immediately.

My advice to these parents. Better train their kids to fold clothes or do so household chores, ie. to learn to live with boredom.

Grasping in a dream?

Buddhism is now embraced by many Westerners in the US in particular South California. Quite a number of Buddhist podcasts originated from there. From these Buddhist talks I observe that they downplay the concept of reincarnation whilst promoting Buddhism as a practical philosophy of achieving happiness and skilful living. They approach 'karma' the law of cause and effect more from a scientific perspective and focus on the basic Buddhist tenets of dukha (sufferings arising from desire, aversion and ignorance), impermanence and non self.

At one of the talks a teacher used a metaphor when someone in the audience remarked that it is difficult to accept the fact that we cannot remember our past lives. The teacher described reincarnations as dreams. Just as we are not able to remember our dreams likewise we fail to remember our past lives.

Whilst I was having some quiet time, I reflected on this metaphor of dreams. On the hypothesis that there is reincarnation and our past lives are like the multitudes of dreams that arise and fade away, then one can see there is really nothing to hold onto so tightly in this life. Dreams can be very vivid and whilst in the dreams we do not know we are dreaming. They always seem so real. Yet most times we cannot remember them the next morning or may remember them only as fuzzy fragmented stories. If we see this life as one dream out of thousands we may not grasp onto it as if it is the be-all and end-all.

In the historical TV drama 雍正王朝 which depicts the life of emperor Yungzhen, there is a scene which remains imprinted in my mind. The scene shows the emperor in his study late at night. Earlier on he had received news about the passing of his eighth brother. This brother was his greatest rival for the throne whom he defeated. Before his death, he wrote Yungzhen a letter. As the emperor read the letter in his study, the ghost of his brother appeared pacing the text of the letter. In the letter the brother told Yungzhen he was holding on too tightly and should learn to let go. It did not matter whether one won or lost for everything is transient as a fleeting cloud. 过眼云烟 The scene was so well done with images of mist and candles blowing out, a true representation of life.

Rescue the Rescuer

As a sandplay therapist I sometimes meet parents of my clients to provide feedback on my observations about them. As such I also learn about the kinds of challenges these parents are facing in life. Furthermore I am also aware of the circumstances which landed the kids in the children's home I am volunteering in. All these associations sometimes make me very philosophical about life and in the mood to search for meaning.To be honest I am sometimes affected and have to make a conscious effort to be detached. That is the reason why counselors need a lot of resourcing and by the way I think they are grossly underpaid.

 What I fail to understand however is why even in my choice of books or literature to read I would inevitably favour those that describe lives under challenging social settings. So recently I borrowed a book which is a collection of the best American essays published in 2016 across various states' magazines and newspaper. The essays give a glimpse into various facets of American life. Some are quite funny and entertaining whilst others are sadly engaging. Those that remain in my mind are the ones that describe intense emotional struggles. In particular is one where the writer gives a poignant account of her parents' pain and sacrifices in bringing up an autistic sibling in the 1960's.

My son ascribes this character trait of mine to the water sign I am born under, Cancer. According to the horoscope Cancerians are said to be deeply sympathetic and emotionally vulnerable in that they are very sensitive to other peoples' feelings.

Looks like this rambling is going nowhere (lol). How did it begin anyway? Ah I remember. I was asking myself this morning why I am so affected by the Lee family squabble. I told myself "I hate bullies" that's why. That started this self conversation wondering about my sense of sympathy for people who either are victims of social ills and injustices or who suffer some misfortune.

 Perhaps I should have more sympathy for Myself too. Maybe I should further analyse the "rescuer" personality in me. Could there be an imprint from way back as early as childhood?  From a positive angle it could be a nurturing trait developed since childhood having to take care of either parents or siblings' emotional needs. From a negative approach it could well be an attempt to rescue the self from some painful past, projected onto others and hence a form of self-healing.

Looks like I got to rescue myself from the need to rescue others.

Learn to live with the cobra

Of late I am thinking quite a bit about the law of "unintended consequences" be it in individual actions or government policies. It appears to me unintended consequences seem to be present everywhere. 

One example was what I gathered from the podcast "Revisionist History". In 1954 the US Supreme court ruled that it was unconstitutional to have racially segregated school which was the practice in some southern states. At that time it was felt that the schools for the black children were at a disadvantage due to lesser funding and were less equipped. The intention was to offer equal opportunities for all children. As a result schools were forced to integrate resulting in the closure of some schools formerly catering for black students. Thousands of black teachers however lost their jobs because white parents were reluctant to have their children under a black teacher. It seems that to this day black and other minority teachers are still under represented in the teaching force.In addition studies have shown that black children do not fare as well under a white teacher than a black teacher, which partly explains decades of poor performance by black students.

Back home our "stop at two" campaign rapidly reduced the fertility rate among the Chinese and the more educated. By 1980 the fertility rate was below replacement level. Since this policy reminds me of LKY, I can not help but wonder how the law of unintended consequences relates to the recent strife in the Lee family. With the best of intention LKY wanted 38 Oxley demolished, but because of this wish, a struggle so intense arose in the first family. Surely it was not a consequence he had envisaged.

Even in our personal lives we would never imagine how certain things turn out. For example we may spur our children to pursue the highest education possible and to chase after their own dreams so as to live a more fulfilling life. The unintended consequence is when they choose to invest time solely in themselves rather than with another person. They develop a insatiable desire to learn and experience more things and simply not prepared to start a family.

Anyway the funniest unintended consequence must be that of the "Cobra effect".
"The British government was concerned about the number of venomous cobra snakes in Delhi. The government therefore offered a bounty for every dead cobra. Initially this was a successful strategy as large numbers of snakes were killed for the reward. Eventually, however, enterprising people began to breed cobras for the income. When the government became aware of this, the reward program was scrapped, causing the cobra breeders to set the now-worthless snakes free. As a result, the wild cobra population further increased. The apparent solution for the problem made the situation even worse."

I guess there will always be the good and bad arising from every action no matter how much prior planning and thorough thinking. If even the most visionary people can not escape from it, we just have to be more zen about it then, ie. learn to live with the cobras.

Thinking aloud about the famiLee strife

In April last year I lamented about the sibling squabble in our first family made public . The squabble has now taken on a new dimension such that I can describe the split in the family as tantamounting to that of hated enemies. All Singaporeans can now access through facebook the accusations and grudge between both parties. I was attending a course on Resolving People Problem and the lecturer made reference to this family conflict when introducing new points and topics. Some of his perception seems appropriate although I don't quite agree with all his conclusions.

He alluded that all the siblings in this family are strong headed and are driven by the need for 'Power'. In this respect I may temporarily agree subject to much deeper thoughts. Now I do not really know the true intention of the 2 younger siblings. Is it just as many people believe to attack the elder brother for victimizing them or is it with a nobler intention of alerting a clueless and indifferent nation to the fatal consequences of the abuse of power in the government machinery.

 If it is the later then I lament that they did not strategise properly and did not seek the skill of a communication expert to put the message across succinctly. Instead the random blasting of accusations has backfired to some extent making them appear a bit like tantrum throwing kiddos. It did not help that they have all along been described as weird and impulsive. It makes me feel that how we normally carry ourselves in daily life is important and will affect us when we need support from others in critical moments. I also feel that if indeed their accusations are true (which is not really a big surprise given that most governments have this weakness to some extent), then I feel that it is a great opportunity lost because no one who knows these cracks can expose it as much as they can  without dire consequences. No one could have arrested it as much as they could have if done skillfully.

On the other hand if the accusations weren't true (mind you the younger siblings are also leaders in their own field) and they are just hitting back in vengeance after their wishes or 'principles' were curtailed by the 'all powerful' brother ie. their concern for the country is secondary, then I think there may be deeper psychological issues. The 3 siblings are offsprings of a benevolent, no nonsense, all powerful visionary leader. I can not for once imagine what it is like growing up in this family under an almost godlike figure. Do the children have a sense of inadequacy? Would this sense of inadequacy be more pronounced if the child is often not on the same page as the father. Could this then give rise to anti authority and establishment traits in them? As for the child who seemingly live up to the father's expectation, would he be on an infinite quest to uphold that image?

I am just thinking aloud

Borrowed life

When I  was meditating a few days ago something suddenly dawned on me. I am not sure whether it was a feeling, a thought or both. It occurred to me that we may be born into this world on a 'rented' body, something like an agent. The short term lease comes with conditions that will shape us. The life we have to live out will affect people around us from the closest within our family to the people we pass by in our daily routine. Perhaps part of it is destined but we are supposed to do the best as an interwoven thread of a big piece of tapestry. Perhaps we are 'tasked" to be this person's daughter, that person's mother and another's boss or subordinate and for some a leader of some sort. We then have to carry out our roles to the best we can. However we have no power over how others live because each thread is of a different shade and colour. Likewise we have no control on the outcome of our actions despite the best intentions.


What leads me to this thinking is probably the idea that one can not be too attached to one's role or identity. I have been attending a class on "Resolving People Problem" and in one session the discussion centred around parents trying to resolve their children's problems. Someone mentioned Kahlil Gibran's quote:

"Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you."


 The lecturer also alluded to the fact that below the tip of every people problem is the issue about self identity, the stuff that ego is made of. Hence my conclusion that we cannot hold on too tightly to the self but instead treat it as a borrowed life to perform a role, a thread in a huge tapestry.

Below is the full text of Kahlil Gibran's poem on children:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Give the brain a workout

In the article "Reading gives brain a workout" (ST 6 June 17) there is mention of the concept of 'schema' in psychology which is 'organising the world inside your head, according to the patterns you have learnt in your everyday life'. This includes what you pick up from reading.

Professor Annabel Chen, a neuropsychologist at NTU said "It is likely that the novel transported the reader into the body of the protagonist, thus tricking the mind into thinking it is doing something it is not, a phenomenon also known as embodied cognition". I can relate to this statement. Reading an engaging novel can sometimes make me dream about it at night wherein I was one of the characters. This was especially so in my teenage years. I was a Han Su Yin fan and loved her books where the setting is China in the early 20th century. The historical turmoil described was so real to me that I often wondered whether my past life was in China.

Prof Chen went on to elaborate that reading requires visual imagery amongst other things and can provide a 'short escape' from our daily routine depending on our 'level of suggestibility'. I think for me this level is pretty high. Even now as I conduct story telling sessions for the children at the Library words and drama come to me quite spontaneously to spice up the stories. This is because as I tell the story I seem to be able to visualise the story rolling out like a film in my mind.

Coming back to the discussion on 'schema' it is therefore important to read more widely so as not to be stuck with a biased or narrow framework upon which we understand the world. For instance  Han Su Yin was a leftist who was very prejudiced against the KMT and Chiang Kai Shek. I was so influenced by her and not having taken the trouble to read any material from the KMT's perspective I have an aversion towards Taiwan and deferred visiting the country for a long time. (Lame right?) Personally I also feel that knowing the teachings of just one religion is dangerous. Education in school should provide basic concepts of major religions so that people are equipped with a framework to understand the world around them.

This is especially so for people like me whose level of suggestibility is high. If I had bothered to acquaint myself to the positive deeds of the KMT I would not have missed all the great things that Taiwan has to offer. The part of my brain that stores the schema on Taiwan needs a workout!

Effective drivers or the lack of

I am approached from time to time whether I would consider working full time in a social service setting. Many times I just declined promptly out of sheer intuition that I have no energy to take on a full time job.

I am now attending a short course at SACE on Resolving People Problem. Last week there was some useful tips on motivation. The lecturer drew a triangle with the words "Effective Drivers" inside the triangle and along the sides of the triangle the words 'should', 'would'' and 'could'. To be motivated for a course of action a person rationalises the benefits and whether he 'should' go for it. He then asks whether he has the ability to pursue it and ticks the 'could' if he has. Eventually he must ask whether he 'would' do it ie. whether he has the desire to do it.

Using this process to decide on a full time employment, I apply the above 3 tests. I guess with some effort to learn on the job and pick up additional skills I 'could' do it. The 'should' involves asking about the benefits. The monetary rewards is of no incentive and so if I think I 'should' take it up it would be coming from intentions to do something good. The overriding driver is whether I have that desire ie.'would I do it?'.

I then fall back on the checklist of job motivation namely, "achievement', 'affiliation' and 'power'. To process the checklist I ask the 3 associated questions of myself. Do I have a strong need to accomplish challenging goals? Do I value belonging to a group of colleagues? Do I want to control and influence others? Sad to say I end up with 'nay' for all 3.

Thus when asked why I would not take up a full time job my justifications is often about having other commitments. However with a friend I would follow up with a lament "Actually I am lazy lah" My intuition has done the analysis subconsciously.

Its not pervasive

Reading the book "Option B" by Sheryl Sandberg & Adam Grant  for a book club meet. In the book there is mention of the 3 Ps that often hinder a person's recovery from grief or loss. They are 1) personalisation 2) pervasiveness and 3) permanence. Personalisation refers to self blame (my fault). Pervasiveness is the belief that the event affects all aspects of one's life. Permanence is the belief that the grief or aftershock will last forever.

I shall focus my thoughts on "pervasiveness". Sheryl Sandberg's (COO of Facebook) husband died of a sudden heart attack and she had to manage not only her own grief but that of her children. I have recently blogged about how she learnt from Adam Grant (pyschologist) to build resilience in her children.

Sandberg relates how going back to work helped with pervasiveness. She describes that in the Jewish tradition there is intense mourning for 7 days upon a death in the family after which regular activities are supposed to resume. At first she was in a complete haze but slowly moment by moment starting from seconds when she was drawn into a discussion when she forgot about her husband's death, she managed to regain her routine. Appreciating one's blessings despite the misfortune also helps tremendously. She also noticed that children seem less affected by pervasiveness. For instance she observed in relief that her child was actually enjoying a birthday party thrown for her.

Like the children many among us can intuitively manage pervasiveness when hit by an unhappy event. We seek resourcing through nature or engage with activities which take our minds off it. One Buddhist teacher suggests when we are down to state the negative feeling followed by something nice that you notice eg. 'there is sadness in the heart and the sky is blue' or 'there is anger in me and I am quite a good gardener'.

Yesterday I followed a podcast that teaches one to meditate by "breathing up the spine from the base to the neck and into the space behind our mouth". I tried it. Whilst taking deep breaths I imagined the breath in front of my spine moving slowly upwards. I had started off with some pain in my lumbar region and I felt it strongly. However as I focused on the feelings on the spine as the breath moved upwards these feelings took over and the initial lumbar pain seemed to have lessened or probably were sidelined. It reminded me that even in our body we have to be aware of parts that feel good or neutral and not focus only on those parts that feel uncomfortable.

 "But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed"-Kahlil Gibran on joy and sorrow.

20 years to do what?

The package tour to Ningxia China which I joined some weeks ago comprised mainly of retirees. The favourite topic of conversation inevitably was about travel. I found out that for a few of them travelling is almost a routine taking place every other month if not more often.  The common refrain is having nothing much to do in life.

Just a couple of days ago a friend returning from a short stay at his friend's second home in Perth described how that retired couple shuttle between their 2 homes in Singapore and Perth. They usually spend less than 3 months in their Singapore home. Apart from Perth this couple also take long cruises all over the world in cruise ships.They told my friend that taking cruises can actually work out to be less costly than staying in old folks' home! Apparently frequent cruisers who book a year in advance are given steep discounts. According to them one only pays about S$150 per pax per day on an average to go for long cruises consecutively. Considering that food, lodging and entertainment are taken care of and with doctors on board it is definitely more appealing than an old folks' home.

Wow I have never thought this can be an alternative lifestyle for us retirees. During some weekend stays in Malaysia though, I have actually given thought that long term hotel stays in Malaysia can be cheaper than living in Singapore. For  a couple's room of S$80 a day a sumptuous breakfast buffet is included which means one need only to spend on dinner. With the SGD being 3 times stronger than ringgit, a couple can live comfortably hopping from hotel to hotel for just over S$100 a day, no need to cook and do household chores too.

The over riding concern however is whether this is living listlessly. Honestly when the tour participants shared that they travel to pass time it gives me a shudder. No doubt travelling is an experiential activity that opens the mind but don't we need to develop some core vocation/hobby/activities that occupy us even into old age when travel may be inhibited.


Vatican City, Jul 14, 2014 -Organizers for the first-ever audience to be held between a pope and the elderly population have revealed that a central reflection will be the active vocation of the aged in the Church and in society. 
“We have given 20 years of life to old people now (in Western countries), but 20 years to do what?" That was the big question that meeting wanted to discuss.

That is a very relevant question for people to think about even before they become senior citizens.

Where Genghis Khan once tread

Last week I joined a package tour to Nngxia, China which shares a boundary with Inner Mongolia. It was really quite a historical tour with visits to the Western Xia Tombs. the Shuidonggou Civilization and carvings at the Helan Mountain by ancient nomads more than 2000 years ago. The highlight for me was the ride across the Tengger desert to an oasis like pond.

For this tour we had to travel by couch from north to west and then onto the southern region of Ningxia. Sometimes we were on the roads for about 6 hours a day through miles of miles of arid land in the horizon. The local tour guide could not have chosen a better video on the bus to entertain us, Genghis Khan. Genghis Khan's last conquest before his death was the invasion of 西夏, Western Xia. The video was very detailed about his invasions and there were scenes after scenes of battles and hordes and hordes of horses racing across the region stirring up dust storms. Watching the video and looking out of the bus window into the horizon of sand that hanged in the air was kind of surreal. You are on the very grounds where lives were lost and battles won. The story depicted how the women of those days were treated as spoils of battle. Genghis Khan's wife was kidnapped by the Tartars before she was rescued. As a result their firstborn, born 9 months after her rescue, was the victim of  suspected lineage resulting in a lot of pain for himself and his mother (this is true and not fictional). Indeed the story portrayed the physical vulnerability but inner strength of many female characters. Although the subplots were half fictional it is not very far from the reality of those times. Maybe watching the show in that environment created the surreal setting that reminded me that hardship and pain is a fact of life from time immemorial. The resilience of the characters who bore the pain and took things in their stride inspired me.


 It is funny but I always have a penchant for history. History reminds us of how people used to live as compared to how we presently live. We see how things change and why they change. Above all or at least for me it reminds me how people live their lives, be it wisely or not so wisely.