Its not pervasive

Reading the book "Option B" by Sheryl Sandberg & Adam Grant  for a book club meet. In the book there is mention of the 3 Ps that often hinder a person's recovery from grief or loss. They are 1) personalisation 2) pervasiveness and 3) permanence. Personalisation refers to self blame (my fault). Pervasiveness is the belief that the event affects all aspects of one's life. Permanence is the belief that the grief or aftershock will last forever.

I shall focus my thoughts on "pervasiveness". Sheryl Sandberg's (COO of Facebook) husband died of a sudden heart attack and she had to manage not only her own grief but that of her children. I have recently blogged about how she learnt from Adam Grant (pyschologist) to build resilience in her children.

Sandberg relates how going back to work helped with pervasiveness. She describes that in the Jewish tradition there is intense mourning for 7 days upon a death in the family after which regular activities are supposed to resume. At first she was in a complete haze but slowly moment by moment starting from seconds when she was drawn into a discussion when she forgot about her husband's death, she managed to regain her routine. Appreciating one's blessings despite the misfortune also helps tremendously. She also noticed that children seem less affected by pervasiveness. For instance she observed in relief that her child was actually enjoying a birthday party thrown for her.

Like the children many among us can intuitively manage pervasiveness when hit by an unhappy event. We seek resourcing through nature or engage with activities which take our minds off it. One Buddhist teacher suggests when we are down to state the negative feeling followed by something nice that you notice eg. 'there is sadness in the heart and the sky is blue' or 'there is anger in me and I am quite a good gardener'.

Yesterday I followed a podcast that teaches one to meditate by "breathing up the spine from the base to the neck and into the space behind our mouth". I tried it. Whilst taking deep breaths I imagined the breath in front of my spine moving slowly upwards. I had started off with some pain in my lumbar region and I felt it strongly. However as I focused on the feelings on the spine as the breath moved upwards these feelings took over and the initial lumbar pain seemed to have lessened or probably were sidelined. It reminded me that even in our body we have to be aware of parts that feel good or neutral and not focus only on those parts that feel uncomfortable.

 "But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed"-Kahlil Gibran on joy and sorrow.