Gratitiude

I started writing this blog in 2007 after resigning from a corporate job and had lots of time on hand. It has been 10 years since. I named my blog "still searching" then to describe my situation after the loss of identity and purpose which a job so readily provided. I embarked on a search for a vocation which I hoped would make me feel more fulfilled than repeatedly resubmitting drafts of financing proposals and pandering to the whims and idiosyncrasies of bosses. I guess there were elements of mid life crisis and the quest for authenticity of some form. Of course overnight I also lost the lucrative income and perks as well as missed the humouring from business associates and junior staff.

A counselling qualification, 5 years of school counselling and years of volunteering later I now wonder whether I should still be retaining the "still searching" logo. Have I found what I was searching for after 10 long years?

To be honest, my counselling work has not yielded results as concretely recognisable as would the completion of a project in my previous job. The lavish celebration and accolades from the bankers would attest to that. In contrast I can only count within the fingers of one hand the number of children whom I can confidently claimed to have changed for the better  from my counselling engagement. As for the rest I can only vaguely guess or hope that I have been of help and comfort. Many a moment I have wondered whether the decision to quit was a wise move. How does one measure a visible accolade and monetary rewards against the smile on a child's face? Will I ever stop succumbing to the habit of tracking results?

To keep me on course I revert time and again to the following words of Thomas Merton (poet, social activist and Trappist monk):

" Do not depend on the hope of results. You may have to face the fact that your work will be apparently worthless and even achieve no result at all, if not perhaps results opposite to what you expect. As you get used to this idea, you start more and more to concentrate not on the results, but on the value, the rightness, the truth of the work itself. You gradually struggle less and less of an idea and more and more for specific people. In the end, it is the reality of personal relationship that saves everything." 

In retrospect the experiences of the last 10 years have helped me gain much self awareness and deal with the "narrowness" of my ego which a corporate position would clearly impede. Coming into contact with people from a totally different field and having the privilege of people sharing their life challenges and just having more time on hand to read or listen to podcast, have perpetuated deeper reflections about life and humanity which inevitably led to more spiritual contemplation.

Is the search still on then? For sure I have drifted vaguely towards a certain direction which I believe is where I would want to be. Having said that the search is still on to find strategies to address certain shadows ( arrogance and suffer no fools syndrome just to name one) which are obstacles to my inner growth.

Just last week a boy at the Children's home told me he is happy that his birthday in 2018 falls on a Thursday. "Why? Isn't everyday the same during the December school holidays ?" I asked. "It's the day you come for sandplay!" he replied. (I have given him a present in advance of his birthday and no one has turned up on his actual birthday). Again I am reminded by Bernake: "From everyone to whom much has been given, much will be required".

Yes above all else I have learnt to be grateful, really grateful.