A Rainbow Promise

Last weekend I had a gathering at my place. As one of the toddlers was afraid of my cat, we had to usher her out of the house to the backyard, unceremoniously perhaps by my husband. That afternoon after briefly coming home for awhile when the kids have left, the cat disappeared missing supper and breakfast cum lunch the following day. That was the first time Miao Miao (that's her name) disappeared for so long. Co-incidentally my niece's beloved Schnauzer whom she normally brings along for the gathering was hospitalised and passed away the following day.

By early afternoon the next day when there was no sign of Miao2 I began to walk the whole neighbourhood. This was after I have unashamedly called out her name several times from all corners of my garden and backyard. I am sure all the neighbours would have remarked about that mad woman looking for her cat again. I peeped into each house along the whole street and walked the small park at the end of the road where stray cats use to roam, to no avail. I began to really worry because she had missed 3 meals which never happened before.
Then I started to imagine all the various possibilities.

1. As my husband suggested, she might have been kidnapped or under house arrest. Though old she is still a very pretty Siamese cat with shades of beige and brown fur, blue eyes and brownish black points.

2. She might have been hurt or trapped by fences or branches whilst roaming. She once had to be rescued from my neighbour's roof top.

3. She might have died fighting some other street cats at night or run down by a car and gone to heaven together with the Schnauzer.

4. One of my neighbours may have been so frustrated with her trampling on their garden that he put her in the car and deposit her far away.

5. She might have been fed by someone the day before and was sleeping in some sheltered spot in one of the neighbour's house as suggested by my daughter.

By evening the next day I was almost in tears imagining her suffering in some strange place, be it trapped or hurt. It was made worse when a very heavy thunderstorm started. I imagined her being drenched and soaked to the skin. I mumbled to my daughter all my worries and I said "She walked into our lives ten years ago and now she just walked out." When the storm became a drizzle I started to call out her name again, intuitively thinking that the thunder and rain would have awakened her if she had fallen into a long long catnap. When nothing happened I began to despair. All of a sudden when I looked up at the sky I saw a rainbow. I felt so hopeful sighting the rainbow. It was as if the rainbow told me everything would be fine. I snapped a picture of the rainbow and close the gate. That was when I heard the familiar meowing coming from the back. I rushed in and hugged Miao2, scolding her for making me so worried whilst drying her fur with a towel. My daughter laughed and chided me for suspecting that our neighbours are sadist kidnappers.

It just goes to show that when a person is desperate all kinds of unbecoming thoughts descend. Yet a natural sign like a rainbow uplifts the heart. I still wonder where Miao2 had gone for so long. When my niece posted a remark in her Facebook about the Schnauzer having crossed the rainbow bridge, I wondered whether Miao2 had fallen into a long long slumber to accompany him half the way to the rainbow, and then came back as the rainbow promised me.

Insight into the struggles of low income parenting

I am half way through with the book "This is What Inequality Looks like" by Teo You Yenn which is exactly what the title suggests in the context of Singapore. Despite my past and present opportunity to engage with people and children from the lower income households whilst working/volunteering in schools, counselling centres and children's home, the extent of stress and challenges faced by these parents and children are far worse than I imagine. A couple of facts strike me empathetically.

Many parents from low income household hold jobs not only involving shifts but may demand changes with very short notice. This is made worse if they have to hold more than one job to support the family as in the case of single parents. Such irregular working hours make it extremely stressful to arrange for child care centre services which operate on regular working hours. Many have to rely on relatives or neighbours to pick up the children daily or at last minute ad hoc requests. Often the children are left to their own devices at home which is a constant worry for these parents. I have experienced the anxiety entrusting an unsupervised maid to take care of my kids at home when they were toddlers. I can imagine the level of stress these parents have thinking about kids left home alone. Apparently when these mothers can not find work which fits into their child care schedule they just have to forgo working and live on much less income.

Another fact of life which I never would have realised involved teenage children in the low income households. Teenagers from middle income families rely on their parents to a far greater extent than those from low income families. This includes allowances and attending classes outside school be it tuition, enrichment classes, sports coaching or dance class. Their time is fully engaged and their activities monitored by their parents. In contrast many of their peers from lower income households have to work part  time to support themselves or family. This gives them a sense of independence and freedom in their choice of social life which often challenges the authority of their parents, who often worry about their teenagers not attending school and mixing with the wrong company.

In her interaction with low income households, the author often hear parents telling their children, "study hard don't be like me" or laments like " I want my children to not be like me". She then observes that "one of the profound difficulties of parenting while low-income is that one has to parent in a social context where one is, and knows that one is, negatively judged as a parent". Parenting teenagers under normal conditions in itself is already not a breeze with their constant desire to challenge authority, what more if the authority figure tells the teenager to do this and that but "don't be like me", what credibility does the advice carry.

I am just half way through but this book certainly makes me realise how shallow is my understanding of the predicaments faced by parents from low income households. In addition I can now visualise better the circumstances my little friends in the Children's Home grow up in.

Feelings from the heart

What should be your response when an 8 year old girl utters "I was upset when my mother told me my father passed away" and then minutes later " I was sad that my father went to prison 3 times before he died".

We were playing a game using 'Feeling Cards'. Each player takes turn to display and describe a feeling card in his/her deck which include emotions like 'sad, upset, embarrassed, guilty, scared, angry etc'. I had put down my 'upset' card citing an upsetting situation when my own children didn't listen to me. When the girl placed her 'upset' card and talked about the passing of her father I thought she didn't have a 'sad' card in her deck, hence using the closest word available.

I then delivered my 'sad' card sharing about the passing away of my mum many years ago. That was when she put down her 'sad' card mentioning her father's incarceration when alive, looking straight at me with those lucid eyes of hers, half sad and (in my mind) also trying to detect my response. She said her father was in prison 3 times before he died. It didn't come as a shock to me that her father was ever incarcerated as many children in the Home come from similar dysfunctional families. It did however surprised me that she finally talked about it. I knew she was trying to detect whether there was scorn, despise or shock in my face. Research has shown that the stigma and shame which children of incarcerated parents experience is from the reaction of people around them. Thus I nodded in quiet acknowledgement of her feelings and continued with the game.

In retrospect the little girl may be quite truthful in expressing her feelings about her father. The fact that she is more sad about his triple incarceration than about his death is possible. There may be very limited bonding because of his constant absence while the stigma of his incarceration may consistently weigh on her. She could have been speaking from her heart.

At the end of the session as she was leaving I felt a sudden urge to call her name. She turned back to look at me and I instinctively uttered "Love You". She ran back and wrapped her hands round my waist while I spontaneously held her close stroking her hair.

We were speaking from our hearts.

One small act

Recently I was shown an act of unusual kindness. I was looking for a seat in a very crowded hawker centre with my hands full carrying a tray of rice and soup when I spotted one with a lot of clutter on the table. There was a tray of bowls and plates filled with left over food. The table was also stained with sauces and littered with remnants of food and tissue paper. I thought I would carefully use my tray to edge the dirty tray to one side before removing it. A middle aged man sitting diagonally opposite had apparently finished his food and sipping his coffee. As he saw me approaching the empty seat he helped me removed the dirty tray to his side of the table which was quite helpful of him. However to my utter surprise he not only helped me cleared the remaining pieces of cutlery but even picked up the dirty tissues and used one of them to clean up the sauces and bits of food. I was totally caught off guard because I wouldn't have touched the tissues myself. I would have probably just used my tray to gingerly push the scattered tissues aside. I flushed and thanked him profusely. He just  acknowledged briefly and continued with his coffee. This guy's matter of fact behaviour elicits 2 descriptions. One is the Nike's slogan "Just do it", the second is what my Buddhist teacher often describes as a mind undisturbed by conditions.

A passage in the Dharma of Mind Transmission jots my mind:
"One should emulate the great earth.....Adorned with jewelry and rare fragrances, the earth does not give rise to greed. Bearing excrement and  foul smells, the earth does not exhibit hatred or disgust. "

To achieve the unconditioned mind (a peaceful mind) is to me a big challenge, never mind big events, even minor conditions like the air cond being either too hot or too cold in the trains can ruffle me. This man's behaviour and demeanor will now surface as a reminder when my mind is afflicted.

The litmus test- our love for the earth

If your children or their spouse are not flying back for Chinese New Year, they may have a valid reason or excuse, to save the earth. It is estimated that a person on a round trip flight from New York to Paris pumps about 2.2 tonnes of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. As a comparison a person in a developed country generates an annual carbon footprint of about 7 tonnes a year through electricity usage, ground transportation and waste disposal. Just by travelling 3 times a year, a person would have committed a carbon sin twice the norm. This is really sad to hear for any one who loves to travel and for retirees who look to travel to create some zing in their life. Our love to experience new places will now be underlined with a sense of guilt.

Baby boomers are already slapped with accusations for ruining the earth, first with our insatiable desire to own material things proliferating consumerism and ballooning into excesses. The 'out with the old'  mentality created waste and throwaways polluting the earth and depleting the world's resources. When tired of possessing things we moved onto gaining new experiences, hence the boom in air travel. This is made easier with competing offers from airlines.

If air travel continues to grow and the effects of climate change and global warming become prevalently disastrous a day will come when airlines will be struck with an emission tax. This will translate into higher cost for air travel which will rein in the damage to the environment.

For many of us, the litmus test for our love of the earth is to restrict holiday air travel . It's indeed a very hard call, failing which a sense of guilt will linger somewhere at the back of our minds even when taking in the beauty of a landscape overseas.

The door that remains opened

When one door closes another opens. Many people have used this phrase in a philosophical way when reflecting on events which reshaped their lives. For me a small outcome reminds me of this quote.

So I together with many die-hards have tried our best to hang onto KK Women Hospital's bone building exercise classes designed for people suffering from or at the fringe of osteoporosis.  However due to the overwhelming demand and lack of hospital resources it not only was getting difficult to get a slot but the physiotherapist are encouraging people to join other exercise programs conducted in community clubs all over the city. Still participants out of preference for the familiar refuse to budge. The hospital then introduced an assessment every half year to gauge one's readiness to go for exercise classes outside. Each assessment is $44 after subsidy and each bone building exercise class is about $26. I had one such assessment this week and they gave me a 'graduation' certificate. So like all things impermanent, one door closes.

Forced to explore the lists of other programs in a print out which KK gave me, I visited WINGs at Bishan. I was ushered into a class that happened to be starting while I was there to made enquiries. Oh my was I impressed. The trainer was very detailed and made an effort to correct the posture of each participant. The class only costs $10 per session! This small experience makes me wonder why I was so reluctant to open another door when one is closing on me.

On the flip side I wonder why no one ever said "when no other doors open, this door does not close". After my retirement from finance, I pursued qualifications in counselling and worked a few years as a part time school counsellor. Now retired I aspire for volunteering opportunities that see me grow in a professional way. At one period of time I signed on with 3 organisations and was quite overwhelmed. I then contemplated dropping the one which offered least professional growth, a children's home. At this home I did not have to submit case notes, was left pretty much to do as I deem right and with no review required with the social workers whose turnover is high. I had thought of quitting this place but could not somehow got to do so because the bonding with the children there has been so strong. Fast forward, circumstances in the other 2 organisations have changed such that I have to quit one whilst my engagement with the last has dwindled substantially. In other words my aspiration to grow professionally has been minimal.

However the engagement which I now find much satisfaction is with the children's home, the door which I couldn't close. My sandplay therapy has gradually morphed into a mix of general play, mentoring, mothering and grand-mothering. I don't pride myself that the children fought over their turn but I take comfort in knowing that they feel worthy of being loved.

The door that does not close remains open in ways unknown.

A disappointment to women

Read the review of the new broadway musical Pygmalion, a new version from its first, produced way back in 1914. Most people know Pygmalion as My Fair Lady, the film adaptation starring Audrey Hepburn. The writer of the review quipped that the lady sitting next to her at the musical was puzzled about the ending which deviated from the film and previous broadways. In this new version Eliza Dolittle walked away from the eccentric professor Harry Higgins. The reviewer then explained that in the original script playwright Bernard Shaw had a similar storyline but expecting that the audience wanted romance and a happy ending, all the producers, directors and actors changed the script much to Shaw's dismay. Shaw later made known his disapproval. He had intended to bring out the prevalence of class consciousness where people are judged by the accent and manner of speech and dressing. Instead of marrying up to raise her social standing, Shaw intended that Eliza retained her pride, turning away from the social snide.

Now a century later things have come a full circle and Shaw would have been pleased . Ironically however it happens in an environment of increasing inequality around the world.

Shamefully I must admit I would be disappointed with a walk away ending. Although the eccentric professor treated ladies condescendingly, his underlying kindness and love would suffice. That in itself marks the difference between women of my generation and that of the next. We have been brought up to hold the interest of the men in the family before ours. We observe this in our mothers who only expected to be loved and well provided for in return. Of course with higher education our attitude has changed to the need to be independent financially and otherwise. The respect for a masculine hierarchical structure however is deeply ingrained especially in an oriental culture. We were trained in patriarchy. 

Perhaps the cushy feeling of being protected (never mind the subordination) makes me still desire for Eliza Dolittle to marry the fuzzy Henry Higgins instead of her braving the streets of London for a living. It is hard to  change brainwashed ideas of 'our place' in the world, a disappointment to women you may say.

Understanding voidness in Taroko

Just came back from a one week trip to Taiwan. The package tour included a one night stay at the 5 star hotel in Taroko National Park in Hualien. The park offers breathtaking view of gorges, cliffs and gushing rivers deep below. The Silk Place Taroko Hotel is the only 5 star hotel in the park.

The front facade of the hotel looks like any ordinary mountain hotel . The interior is well furnished and the decor blends with its natural surroundings. However what is most breath taking is its roof top infinity pool and Jacuzzi. The infinity pool overlooks a deep narrow valley with a stream running at the bottom. Besides the pool is a big open deck with lounge chairs and sofas.

It was getting dark when we braved the cold water in the pool at 4 pm before dipping in the jacuzzi. Some hotel staff were already preparing to light up torches and a small bonfire. A show was scheduled at 8.30 pm.

I was expecting a tribal show but it turned out to be a band singing mandarin pops and some of their own composition. Instead of lazing myself on a deck chair or sofa while listening to the performance I walked along the railing overlooking the gorge which was visible by the hotel lights. Away from the stage I could hear the gushing of the river in the valley below. As I looked at the scenery below I began to wonder whether the wilderness minded the intrusion by the hotel. If the hotel is not there the whole place will be in pitch darkness and the mountain, the rocks, the stream and all the living things will dwell in the natural darkness. Do they feel being invaded?

However recalling a passage from The Dharma of Mind Transmission: When the sun shines over the four directions, the world becomes light, but true voidness is never light. When the sun sets, the world becomes dark, but voidness is never dark..... the nature of voidness is clear and undisturbed.

I know the feeling is only in the mind.

So much talk on Inequality

The current focus on the subjects of inequality and social divide must have overwhelmed me such that I had a strange dream yesterday. I dreamed that in a group therapy I spotted a girl who was my counselee when I was working in a neighbourhood primary school. In the dream she wanted to talk to me in private so she won't be embarrassed. When alone she narrated how she had fared badly having been streamed to Normal Academic (for the least academically inclined in the cohort) and even then she feared she would be at the bottom of the NA class. In my dream I was surprised that she did so badly and she kind of explained that the subject she was good at was not taken into account for determining the position in class. I can remember I was feeling at a loss on how to comfort her in my dream. I could only utter lame statements like taking things a step at a time.

The dream highlighted where I intuitively stand in the ongoing debate on whether the government has done sufficiently to help the disadvantaged including students from the lower socio economic strata. A lot of statistics has been thrown flying around and controversy abound on their methodology and relevance.

The main themes in my dream seem to be low self esteem (embarrassment) and low recognition of certain skill (subject the girl was good at being ignored). From my experience as a school counsellor in a neighbourhood primary school and engagement with children in a children's home I can fully understand how a disadvantaged family background greatly hampers the child's ability to keep up with his cohort not to mention to excel. A OECD report said that disadvantaged students in Singapore fared well in comparison to their peers globally but find it hard to match up to the top performers within the country for eg only one in ten of Singapore's disadvantaged students has scores which match their top peers (those whose scores are in the 75th percentile).

The report also found that the disadvantaged students are congregating in disadvantaged schools. The Ministry of Education needless to say came out with the defence that all schools in Singapore are well facilitated and there is no such thing as a disadvantaged school. What they seem to miss is that the segregation of schools by academic performance has resulted in adverse perverse psychological set back in schools predominated by less academically inclined students. There is a sense of shame, hopelessness and negative self image.  This negative image is in no small part accelerated by the prevalent societal disrespect for low paying jobs due to the absence of a minimum wage. Where wage disparity is less stark, there is more pride and less discouragement in people holding less well paid jobs as can be seen in countries like Japan. There is pride even if a person excels in a skill that places him in a job that pays relatively less ie. society respects every job in the market.

Educational inequality coupled with income inequality (in no small part due to the absence of a minimum wage) is a psychological backlash for students in the bottom of the cohort. Fortunately in todays news the government is finally setting up a Inter-Agency task force to find out the underlying causes behind the students lacking behind and aims at helping children from disadvantaged homes meet their full potential.

At times when engaging with children in the children's home I have been amused by their wit and laments quietly how much more they could have developed their potentials given the right environment. Hopefully if the task force is really committed I would have less of such moments of wonder.

The Pendulum chime

I am watching Towards The Republic a second time now after many years. It's a tv serial out of China tracing the fall of the Qing Dynasty and the 1911 Chinese Revolution. The production is meticulous in creating the setting and undercurrent of that era. The camera follows the body movement of the main characters to bring out the feeling, the mood and their predicament. I also notice the frequent use of the sounding of the pendulum clock. In various scenes the ticking of a clock or the chime of the pendulum clock either gives a sense of urgency or eventuality/destiny. I also feel that the Qing royalty's obsession with the western mechanical clocks throws a pathetic irony of the situation during that time ie. their fascination with western ways and technology yet being trapped in a time warp of old traditions and practices.

Just a few days ago the Straits Times published an article entitled US-China tensions: Lessons from the Opium War by Leslie Fong . In the late eighteenth century and the first half of the nineteenth century the demand for tea by Britain and the West was not matched by any needs from China of  western products. Hence China demanded only silver in exchange for the tea until the East India Company found the solution in opium. When the Chinese burnt 20,000 chests of Opium in 1840 in an attempt to terminate the opium addition/scourge a divided British parliament debated on whether to launch a war on China.  In the end the pro war faction won just by 5 votes. The young William Gladstone who would later become the PM for 4 terms remarked " I am in dread of the judgements of God upon England for our national iniquity towards China," a moral trepidation certainly. Fast forward 180 years and history repeats itself in terms of the trade imbalance but now the table has turned with the West fearing China's growing power and supremacy. The British Empire has fallen a long way too.

Now when I watch the tv serial and the pendulum clock sounds in the background I tend to think that the swing of the pendulum also symbolises the repeat of history as well as the rise and fall of nations and that everything has its own rhythm

The Prudish ageist

When an article in the Straits Times on aging well highlights 3 tips in bold: stay passionate, eat wisely and manage pain, I was expecting to get some ideas on vocations or hobbies which people are passionate about to keep their mind and body active. I was literally shocked when it suggests that older adults can have 'satisfying sex lives even as their bodies change with age', not that it is untrue but more of the inappropriateness in being so direct. I am surprised how blatant it is to even recommend a certain position for the elderly.  I was also laughing that all the old men now have excuses to be promiscuous if their wives' sexual inclinations do not match theirs.

Then I paused and questioned whether I am being prudish. Why do people generally think that old people do not engage in sex or are perceived as 'gross' if they do ? For example I thought it unbelievable that the urologist they interviewed had an 83 year old patient seeking treatment for sexual dysfunction, (perception of age being relative I guess). On deeper thought it occurred to me that it has to do with ageism and society embracing youth. It is assumed that older people should behave in certain ways because of their age and movies seem to imply only physically beautiful young bodies engage in sex. I suppose sexuality in the young is also being focused for procreation purposes traditionally.

Having internalized all these negative stereotypes about aging for years it is no surprise that I can be an ageist even though I am elderly myself.

Borobudur

I encountered so many misses and hits from my visit to the Borobudur Temple. In the first place visiting Jogjakarta was not my original idea. Bothered by my husband's itch to travel somewhere less than 3 hours flight for a long weekend while taking advantage of promotion airfare, I settled for Jogjakarta from among destinations yet to visit. Knowing that Borobudur will be the highlight I did briefly scan some travel literature and website about its history and the things to look out for, but certainly not enough. Thus I draw the first lesson that intention is the cornerstone of actions and outcome, the lack of intention resulting in lackluster performance and experience.

From the attractive pictures showing sunrise over Borobudur I knew I had to sacrifice sleep for the pick up at 3.30 am to reach the site before sunrise. We reached just before 4.30 am and was given a torch each. I was surprised there was already quite a crowd and we just followed them in the dark. Due to poor communication and lack of initiative to find out more, I didn't know we were already at the temple grounds. From the posters at the travel agent's office I was under the impression we would be viewing sunrise over the temple from afar at some hill spot. In the dark we could not see the facade of the temple. If I knew we were actually at the temple grounds I would have strained my eyes to catch its looming greatness in the dark. Only when we started ascending the steps did we realise we were watching sunrise from the top of the temple . By the time we reached the top platform which housed the central dome it was bright enough to take in the whole scene. As the horizon gradually glowed in gold and pink and the mist shrouded over Mt. Merapi and the surrounding mountains, the dark silhouette of the stupas in Borobudur breathed their quiet presence. What an amazing sight! I looked up at the central stupa and there was the moon over its steeple as if affirming the feelings of connection I have inside me. To have these scenes emerging from darkness was quite an awesome experience, quite like a gradual awakening. Sacrificing a few hours of sleep yielded immeasurable gratification.

I wished I had read more about the reliefs sculptured at each of its 9 levels or for that matter hired a guide. The reliefs tell numerous stories and are rich with symbolism. I spotted a middle aged lady guide left standing on her own while waiting for her group of white tourists busy taking pictures. I struck a conversation with her and for that I picked up one of the most important symbol about Borobudur. I did read about how the stacking of each platform symbolises the ascent from basic desire to higher consciousness and finally to enlightenment at the central stupa, but I was totally thrilled when the guide shared that while each of the 72 surrounding stupas houses a Buddha statue, the central dome stupa is empty, thus signifying emptiness as the ultimate goal. The information I gathered from her made the visit so much more meaningful, reminding me that one should never be afraid to ask.

At each platform there is an open passage way round the axis. From a bird eye view Borobudur is like a mandala. Devotees are supposed to circumambulate clockwise from the base level to the top, a spiritual journey towards higher state of consciousness. That morning however we had to quickly ascend vertically to catch the sunrise and to experience the spiritual atmosphere of the temple floating above the clouds overhanging the mountain. To me it is like getting just a momentary glimpse of what lies at the end of this spiritual journey. To really get there you need to do the gradual circumambulation and ascent, a circumambulation towards the centre of self.

On my return I am so intrigued that I began to read more about Borobudur. Only then did I know how much more meaning I would have attested to the reliefs and the whole structural architecture and its surroundings among the mountains. Perhaps I need to revisit Borobudur one more time. This time I shall make my way there in the afternoon, walk each level starting from the base platform. I shall equip myself with the meaning of the sculptured reliefs at each platform. Slowly I shall go round each level before ascending the next. Upon reaching the top I shall wait for the sunset and its beckoning.

Follow the micro-trend

Read a review on Mark Penn's books entitled 'Microtrends Squared' and thought it will be a book worth reading. In the book the author lists 50 observations which in his words are ' new forces driving today's big disruptions'. Micro trends unlike macro trends are small forces which quietly redraw the norm of living ie. changes that are increasingly noticeable in everyday living. He categorises them into 6 groups, namely love and relationship, health and diet, technology, lifestyle, politics, work and business. The reviewer of the book thinks that many of these trends seem relevant to Singapore. In fact I notice such trends myself and can even relate to some of them.

One of the micro trend on relationship is that a greater percentage of husbands are playing 'second-fiddle' in the bread winning role in marriage. Now personally I experienced that before my retirement ie. if you consider yourself earning more than your husband by 20 to 30% but with him footing the big ticket expense items and you channelling money into reserves as fitting the second fiddle description. In retrospect I think I was wise to let him pay the big items to preserve the traditional provider role that a man wants to fulfill whilst being part of the changing trend of achieving wives..

Other than the trend of remaining single another observation the author made is that even married couples are living 'independent' parallel lives or sleeping in separate rooms. This excites me because I have harboured thoughts of sleeping in another room to get some real sleep without interruption from the snoring half. I will feel less guilty if that is fashionable, really. In fact visiting someone's small condo the other day made me feel how good it is to stay on your own with your own living space and then returning to a headquarter for meals and socialising with family. 

Just another interesting trend that tickles me is the growing fixation with pets. In my case I won't call it a fixation but I dutifully give my Miaomiao an organic aloe vera (from my garden) scrub weekly and my husband feeds it lemon grass (also from the garden) every morning. Yesterday night I was awakened by screams of cat fights and had to scramble out of bed to shoo away a stray cat lurking outside my gate. Well if that is not part of the emerging weird micro trends, what is?

Not Just a Fairy Tale

I was reading through a children book entitled "Snow Queen" to prepare for a story telling session at the library. Finding the fairy tale by Hans Anderson very interesting with its twists and turns I knew it has much symbolic meaning underlining the story. So I did some research and discovered to my amazement so much symbolism that is relevant even to our modern world. In other words Hans Anderson like Shakespeare observed human traits, strengths and weaknesses which are universal truths that live through time. He managed to capture in the story themes about life's journey fraught with temptations yet coloured with individual philosophy, transformation, love and charity.

Firstly the writer recognised the strength and determination in women, a tribute to women in a male-centric world. Among the various female characters, the evil Snow Queen was portrayed as one who mesmerized her victims with her dazzling beauty before turning their hearts to ice, eventually freezing to death. It is a stark reminder of spiritual death in the absence of love. In the book the main victim is a young boy called Kay who left everything behind including his warm memories and followed the Snow Queen in her shining carriage to her palace. Shafts of ice that resembled mirrors had pierced his eyes and heart. Anderson must have observed how men tend to be more obsessed with their own image and pomp ( distorted mirror vision) and in pursuit of grandeur leave their feelings and empathy behind.

The main female character is his best friend, a girl named Gerda who was determined against all odds to look for him (theme of sacrifices). She faced many hurdles and used both intellect and intuition to overcome them, often resorting to nature to lead the way and going with the flow as a last resort. In one instance she was misled by her own conviction that a young man whom a princess took as a groom was Kay, only to be utterly disappointed. This subplot  in the story illustrates how in desperation people adopt false hopes.  Along the way Gerda found support from many female characters who are portrayed with various human traits and some of them had their own agenda in helping her or expected something in return. Among the supporters was a little robber girl who finally gave in to her inherent compassion to help Gerda unconditionally. In the final leg of her search a reindeer could not bring Gerda any further in the long journey and she had to break through sheaths of ice on her own . This signifies how in life we have to accept the fact that we need our own resolves to accomplish our goals. When Kay was saved from being frozen to death by the Gerda's tears, love transformed even the coldest hardened heart. The story is realistic in that the Snow Queen was not punished  a symbol that evil still exists

Apparently Snow Queen is Anderson's most ambitious fairy tale. So much meaning and relevance to life is embedded in a fairy tale. It pays for an adult story teller to research into the symbolism so that when telling the story to children one knows how to subtly bring the messages across. It is not just a fairy tale after all.

Think before you click

The government is seeking public opinion on section 377A of the penal code as to whether it should be repealed. The code penalises gay sex.  I am not here to argue one way or another but find some opinion put forth for and against quite intriguing.

The National Council of Churches does not support the repeal as it is deemed harmful for individuals, families and society as a whole. "The council urges Christians to pray that God will protect the institution of marriage and family because they are indispensable for the well-being of the future generation and the flourishing of our society".

The question that comes to my mind is why the 'institution of marriage and family' is of such importance to the church. Has it an ancient historical origin to preserve the human race and reinforced centuries later by the need to ensure Christians would continue to propagate and grow in numbers to combat the muslim turks during the Crusades. No doubt Christians believe the Bible which is God's words advocates marriage with threefold objectives. First to reflect God's image as he created both man and woman, second to reproduce and third to reign (Genesis 1:28).

When I google on Genesis 1:28 "Be fruitful and increase in number, fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground," my instant response was we have multiplied in such numbers to send so many other species into extinction we should really give others a chance.

On the other side of the scale, advocates of the repeal quote human rights and evidence that homosexuality is inborn and is present even in nature. To me it is quite obvious that some people are born with this orientation.. I have read and personally know of families that have endured untold sufferings because of society's stigma. Yet what I fear is not so much a slide down the slippery rope of morality but more of the tendency to develop even the slightest tendency towards homosexuality.

The above are just off the cuff response and my understanding of the implications is superficial. I have not researched and thought through enough to vote either way if called upon to do so at a referendum. One must understand fully the arguments put forth by both sides and not blindly jump in to support either party based on cultural preconditioning and bias either way. That is what we have to do to be fair to our fellow human beings. So at least think through before you click on the next request to sign an online petition.

Lottery of Birth?

Two weeks ago I was keeping track of the 'ding' sound from my handphone. Both children are away travelling on their own, one to India and another to Osaka. India on your own hails all kinds of risks whilst Osaka was bracing some storm or typhoon around that time. It did not help when the son landed at New Delhi late in the evening and messaged there was a change in plan as many roads were closed for the ex PM's funeral.

As it turned out he was misled by a couple of people (among them a guard at the train station and a cab driver ) who cahoot in saying that it was difficult to access his hotel and instead brought him to a so called licensed tourist office. As he had planned to head for another town early next morning they suggested he headed for the town straight away instead of spending a night at New Delhi and provided him the transport . In the process he was grossly overcharged. However what is really incredible was on his return to New Delhi after touring other places he lodged a complaint with the police against the tourist office. The police accompanied him there talked privately with the owner while drinking ' coffee ' and managed to help my son get partial refund of the money he spent.  My son had learnt from this trip that no stranger can be trusted and every one who  comes up to you is thinking of getting some money from you more or less. For example a doorman will unexpectedly wrap your head with a turban take a picture and ask for some small money; not to mention hosts of others along the street either peddling their wares or begging for money. Despite what he likened Indian cities as big garbage dumps where no one uses the garbage bins, he is still enthralled with the architecture, cultural diversity and mysticism of their forts and places of interest while shocked at the unbelievable squalor and unhealthy conditions of living, in summary a total eye opener. He described that getting out of the noisy and filthy streets to an indoor destination is a great relief. (Just to mention he brought back some bacteria or virus too).

In contrast my daughter related her encounter traveling from Osaka to Mt Koya where she experienced a temple stay. The zen along the forested paths and the quiet especially in the temple where " one can literally hear a pin drops " is mind bogging. At one onsen, after taking their baths a few foreign ladies did not wash the basin and keep the things in place. Noticing that, a local Japanese bather took her initiative to clean up the mess.

Hearing these stories when they return home I ask the question why some people are so lucky and others so unlucky being born in different parts of the world. The Economist Intelligence Unit has an index known as 'where- to- be- born index' which measures countries by the opportunities they provide for a healthy, safe and prosperous life. In the 2013 ranking Singapore is 6th and India 66th out of 80 countries (Japan came in 25th).

If there is really a GOD how does he allocate where one should be born or is it just a lottery, A lottery of birth.

Below are pictures which they took which show the contrast of the 2 countries.

Who am I?

One message the CIB (Children in between) workshop aims to impart to children of  divorcing/divorced parents is that they still belong to a family even when the members are living apart. "Huh?" one child remarked in puzzlement. The social worker explained that from the day he was born he was part of the family and continues to be even if his parents and siblings are not living together. The children were then asked to draw their family on a prescribed page in the workbook designed for the workshop. One Caucasian boy refused to budge and lay on the floor with his hood covering his face. I was assisting in the workshop and I coaxed him to draw himself and his pets first since he was sharing about his pets earlier on. He sat up looked at the page and when I came back after attending to others, he said "Done". I looked at the empty page and remarked that it was empty. He then replied "I am invisible". We did not manage to get him to work on the workbook.

That evening it dawned on me the deeper meaning behind his remarks of being invisible. People usually describe themselves as invisible when they feel left out, excluded and unnoticed. There are many factors which can create such a feeling in children whose parents are divorced or undergoing divorce. Some parents can be so emotionally spent that there is little space left in them to pay attention to their children's feelings. Sitting on the sideline, the child may then feel like a ghost without a body.

Often the children are used as go between reinforcing their misconception they are responsible for their parents' divorce. In their own eyes they are defective and unlovable and often numb themselves as a coping mechanism. Hence they feel disconnected from their body.

Lost and confused are among some of the feeling words which the children circle to describe how they feel at the workshop. The children's entire world which was previously defined by their parents and family suddenly collapses. It is hard for the kids to grasp they are still themselves while struggling to figure out where they fit in the new world. This sense of loss again fuels the feeling of being invisible and unable to find oneself.

That was the first session out of 3 in the CIB workshop. I guess I now know what to focus on to help this 'invisible' boy find himself. Hopefully at the next session he can draw at least a stick figure who represents him on the page entitled "My Family".

No Show

Both appointments this week were cancelled last minute, 'no show' they called it. The first, I kind of expected because the mother of the client questioned my skills  in sandplay therapy. Prior to the first session when I met up with her to share  how the therapy works, she brushed me aside quite abruptly declaring that she knows what expressive therapy is all about and I need not elaborate further. After the first session she checked with her child about what went on during the session and gave feedback to my boss that I used the wrong technique. Had she bothered to spend some time with me she would understand there are variations on the approach to sandplay therapy.Really, if the parent has no faith in the therapist it does not make sense for the child to continue because the parent will probably be sending the wrong vibes to the child. It is a pity because from my interpretation of the child's sand story she desires personal boundaries and protection from external threats ( a common dilemma in a child caught between parents fighting for custody).

The second no show case was unexpected because the client and guardian wanted very regular sessions. In fact to be honest I was secretly relieved when last minute the guardian called to cancel the appointment. The client who has several issues had once described each session like me equipping him with ammunition to face the world. Unfortunately it's more than a year now and he does not seem to have mastered the skill nor the will to develop the ammunition himself. I feel I am here to give support not to be his lifeline. As the boy has various issues I have also assisted the guardian to get specialized help from other organisations.

Most time however 'no show' appointments especially last minute cancellations leave a sour taste in the mouth. You  review the file, think through the approach and make your way to the centre. You are there usually about 15 minutes before the appointment to settle down and be in the right frame of mind for the client. Then you review the case notes while waiting. The hour comes and past. Then the call comes with some explanation or in your mind just excuses You feel you have wasted your time. You speculate the real reason behind the cancellation. In summary you feel unappreciated and may harbour doubt on your own ability.  The truth then is that your own ego needs a lifeline. All these feelings surface before you reason with yourself these are just part and parcel of the job. With sandplay therapy especially where there is little concrete scientific validation of its efficacy, parents of clients have the tendency to question the worthiness of the time and effort in bringing their child to 'play'.

In a very different setting at the Childrens' home where I volunteer  no such ego dance is involved. The children just feel happy to play in my presence and I just go with the flow and shower love. There is no need to think of efficacy. Here they are captive clients though more than willing. Here there is no such thing as 'no show'. Perhaps it is the children that worry about 'no show' from me and I also worry that they worry about my 'no show' when I have to be away.That is the beauty of no expectation.

To Feel Alive

While on holiday at Melbourne we joined an overnight tour to the Grampians. This is the first tour guide in all my travels to different places in the world who is so animated, so excited and enthusiastic about animals, nature and the places he is bringing us. In every place of interest he captured the scenery with his professional camera as if it was his first visit. He showed us pictures of the same place in different seasons or time of the day. He knows the names and the different temperaments of the kangaroos hanging around the motel where we stayed and has many close ups of them. He pointed Gulars (Australian bird) perched on trees and eagles sailing the skies.

At 2 pm on the second day having covered the itineraries, instead of quickly sending us back on a 3 hour drive back to Melbourne he was super delighted when the bus of 9 youths and 2 baby boomers (my husband and me) were keen to experience what he termed as a surprise for us. He thus detoured and lo and behold after a one hour drive there was before us a lake all pink in colour. The lake is pink in colour due to the algae growing in the salt crust at the bottom of the lake. The young girls in our tour were wild with delight taking photos of themselves jumping barefooted in the waters. What a sight! After the detour I was actually hoping we would head back to the city, but the high spirits of  our young companions reinforced our guide's enthusiasm who brought us on a one hour drive back to a town where we visited earlier in the morning just to see a creek which he thought would be overflowing at that time of the day. Though he said it would be a 20 minute 'walk' up the terrain I knew enough that it would easily be more than an hour  to and fro. I joined them for a short distance 'climbing' the stones and small rocks and knew I would never be able to reach the top and back before the sun went down. So my husband and I decided to descend and wait for them at the foot. My son who went with the rest described how animated the guide was when they were at the top jumping from rock to rock across the creek to capture pictures of the scene as well as the youths.

Ok if in your mind this guide is a youth or someone in his late thirties or early forties, you are quite wrong. I think he is easily in his mid fifties. He has an engineering qualification in Australia and was an engineer until he changed career to be a tour guide cum photographer because the job gives him unlimited 'adrenaline' meeting people and catching changing scenes of nature. He again reinforces my belief that one must find a vocation that makes one feel 'alive' to really experience the joy of living.

Co-incidentally the other people who inspired me likewise are also Australians, the couple whom I stayed with in Perth as a Airbnb guest. The focus and the energy they poured into tendering their plot of land filled with fruit trees, and various types of plants showed me that to live with content one must be totally engaged in something one loves doing. For these Australians embracing nature keeps them 'alive'.

Though I have not found the activity that engages me totally, these 3 people have spurred me on my search to feel alive.

The Pink Lake

Him talking to the parrot

His photo of Joey in mummy's pouch

Each moment - A clean plate

'The past and the future are just thoughts'  This was a phrase I picked up from a podcast with little elaborations provided.

It seems to imply they are not real, not solid and are illusive. Perhaps it is suggesting that thoughts on the past are delusive and thoughts on the future imaginary. It probably puzzles over why we are then constantly obsessing over either the past or the future. This phrase dawns on us the folly of all the wasted present moments.

Research has shown that memories can be inaccurate and constructed. There is this process called reconsolidation where upon recalling a past experience the emotions accompanying the recalling reinforces the initial emotions of the experience. Each time we reset a memory we tend to restrengthen the connection between the memory and the feelings. This will be intensified if we keep on ruminating a bad experience for instance.

Furthermore no 2 persons will remember an incident with exactly the same details and the same emotions. This is because the perception, feelings and mental fabrication (conditioned habitual response) that accompany the encounter is different for every individual. All these seem to caution us against being too caught up with past memories, which may not be as real as we thought.

As for thoughts on the future they may seem less fruitless than past memories because some amount of planning is necessary for us  to function or make a living. However being too obsessed with the future robs us of all the 'present moments' such that we miss out a lot of our lives. Even more unproductive would be worries about the future, much of which is usually unnecessary.

However these are just logical arguments that I seek to help explain this statement that 'the past and future are just thoughts'. I have yet another feel for it. It occurs to me that our perception of time as linear may not be that solid after all. Someone said that 'time is like a string of present moments'. Our concept of the past, present and future as linear is by introducing a string. What if there is in reality no such string?

Can't each moment be lived on a clean plate?

Tough Job- Family Court

Recently some MPs in Singapore have spoken up in parliament for the easing of housing rules for divorcees who share care and control for their children. The MPs asked that the names of the  children be included as household members in both parents' application for housing . In response a senior Permanent Secretary disclosed that only 4% of all divorce cases resulted in shared care and control orders. (What it means is that the remaining 96% orders would have one parent given custody order whilst the other has access in varying degree depending on the circumstances of each case).

The disclosure of this statistics has raised some controversies in the forum pages more than the origin issue of housing.  People are astonished that shared care and control forms such a low percentage when studies have shown that involvement of both parents is crucial for healthy child development. The Registrar of the Family Justice Courts in reply assured that great deliberation is exercised in the child's best interest for each case and quoted factors which impede shared custody arrangement like inconvenience, impracticality and the inability of parents to co-operate on a 2 home arrangement. He quoted that 93% of cases with children issues were concluded through mediation. One seemingly frustrated reader wanted statistics on the percentage that fathers are awarded custody and related incidents of male friends  who were ' forced' to relinquish custody only to find themselves facing a lot of restrictions in accessing their children.

Some readers on the other hand have supported the Registrar citing challenges when the child has to shuttle between 2 home environment and struggle with different upbringing approaches,  especially after  one or both parents remarry. Reading all these letters I feel that some of the writers are speaking for themselves or for their close relatives because of the emotional tone within.

Having worked with children of divorced parents to process their emotional turmoil I can only empathise with the Family Court. Seeing how the parents feud over custody or trying their best to win over the hearts of the children it is difficult to envisage how they can co-operate to make a dual home arrangement smooth and harmonious. I feel it is only possible if both parents have separated amiably, parted as friends, are in agreement with each parenting style and really have their children's interest foremost in their hearts. In a recent "Child -in-Between" workshop for the kids, it is so heart wrenching when the children shared that they would never tell their parents how sad and 'mixed-up' they feel when their parents used them to pass angry messages to one another. On a worksheet with many feeling words the children were asked to circle and colour those they have felt before. One child asked for the meaning of 'depressed'. When told she circled it and remarked "I need a dark colour for this". Another child at sandplay therapy built a picture of 2 armies at war in the sandtray. She then put a figurine of a chicken wearing a pair of dark glasses onto a vehicle wheezing between the armies crying "excuse me, excuse me". "That's me." she said. Unless the divorced parents make peace and not war, a disharmonious dual home arrangement is detrimental to the child.

However I must also mention a different heart wrenching situation where a child misses her dad so much that in her sandtray story she worries that the man left alone in the island has not enough food and not enough water because a strong wind will blow everything away. This is probably an example of a court order where the mum has custody but in the subconscious mind of the child the dad is awarded insufficient access.

Poor children!
Tough Job Family Court!

Not a laughing matter

SO I received a text message from Sing Health to inform that my personal data has been breached although it says they have not been altered. It then apologises for the "anxiety caused" and says no action is needed. 'What?' I laughed 'Was I suppose to be anxious?' Indeed I should be according to my daughter who was for awhile involved in the SMART Nation project. She advised that I changed all my passwords for all financial institutions. 'Not Again?' I had done that not long ago when I lost my wallet and handphone.

Later I read in the papers that my data may be sold to the dark web for nefarious purposes. I looked up the meaning of nefarious which means wicked or criminal. Of what value is my health record? Far from being the PM whose data was also breached, I am a retiree. The only consequence I can envisage is being found to be a real hypochondriac from the numerous incidents of false alarm or from remarks of the doctors if they also form part of the record. From begging not to be discharged by the National Eye Center as an outpatient to arguing with doctors in various hospitals that their description of my "mild" health problems were not otherwise so mild per the sympoms surfaced, I may also be described as a smart aleck who google all the possible illnesses that each symptom may suggest. I do not know whether insurance companies like me as a customer. I guess it depends on the type of insurance they are selling me. For sure no one will insure my outpatient charges.

On a serious note however it is quite a frightening thing for younger people whose data is breached. For that matter even if the data is not breached what are the guidelines on who can make use of the data base which the government is trying to build. Can a government related employer lay hands on the full medical history of a potential candidate? Will such medical history jeopardize a candidate who has recovered from a socially stigmatised illness? Already it is well known that one can hire a hacker in the dark web at very low cost to get the data of a person be it a prospective life partner, business associate or enemy.

Come to think of it there really is a cause for anxiety, whether the data be breached or remains unbreached but accessible by certain people? My initial laughing response was indeed naive.

The Children can't wait

An article in the Sunday Times tracked 3 girls from different social background who were featured 6 years ago about their learning development at age 5.  As expected the gap in their learning development opportunities has further widened. Whilst the girl from the well off parents excelled not only in academics and sports, the girl from a single parent family whose mother works as as a dishwasher takes Mathematics and English at foundation level (meant for students weak in these subjects) and remains shy when answering questions.

What really affected me is when I read that her mother who earns $1000 per month has to spend some money to buy assessment books from the bookshop in the hope that her child can do better in her PSLE examination. $1000 for a family of 6 is not even enough to meet the basic needs and she has to spend part of it on assessment books? Have assessment books become basic needs? Something is very wrong with our education system don't you think?

The recommendation from the study is that kids lagging behind needs help much earlier because by the time they enter school the gap is far too wide. Do I not know this? At the Children's Home where I volunteer I am often taken aback by the limited English vocabulary of the primary school going children. Even when I play with them board games designed to help children express their emotions they are struggling with the words on the cards. Sometimes I have to consciously use simpler words to get a message across though this does not really help them to improve their language ability, but then again my main purpose there is to foster better psychological well being. I guess the volunteer tutors will take care of the academic part. It used to be that my play room was just next to the room where the children had their tuition. I could hear the tutors' exasperation because the kids also had very short attention span.   It tugs my heart when I see them struggling with simple calculation when role playing as cashiers counting the change. Other than promoting their emotional well being , all I could be of help for their future career is to affirm their creativity and organisational ability (example playing at running a cafe which they love) and to build their self esteem and confidence.

Sometimes  I would laugh at the wits and craftiness displayed by these kids and then wondered how much more they would have developed if family circumstances were better. If our society can organise itself to garner unutilised resources to meet the needs of these children the gap between the privileged and under privileged children will definitely diminish. Just thinking aloud I wonder if every physically fit retiree can mentor one lagging child that would certainly close the developmental gap. As it is now there are several programs run by some civic groups that help in giving a hand and I hope more will mushroom; the society can wait to mature but the children can't wait.

Live for Others

On the top right corner of the "Life" section of today's ST is a quote from Einstein : " Only a Life lived for others is a life worthwhile".

In a recent post entitled " What is a life worth living?"( a feeling response in the wake of 2 celebrities' suicide ) I have concluded as follows:
"I am now more convinced than ever that sense pleasures as well as all the trappings of wealth, status and relationships are no sure promises of happiness. Instead we have to train our minds to steer away from unwise perceptions and beliefs that only specific conditions when met can constitute a life worth living. Above all we need to have more compassion for ourselves.

Now it seems Einstein had a quote which is contrary to my opinion. He had offered that the sole condition for a worthwhile life is one lived for others. I have thought that it is too stringent a measure. There must be millions of people in this world who live for themselves abiding by conventional yardsticks of the perfect life. Many must have achieved semblances of say a perfect marriage, a desired home, a coveted job or a luxurious life of travel. Don't some of these people feel they have a worthwhile life or do they all succumb in their final days to deep regrets for not having done more for others?" I wonder.

Still I was a bit suspicious because the internet has loads of Einsteins' quotes which weren't from him. After some googling I establish that it is indeed his quote but I also gathered some context to it. Einstein had also remarked "A hundred times every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life are based on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received and am still receiving".

I do not disagree with him as I have often felt more alive giving. I guess it boils down to an approach more than the magnitude of the act. Living for others can take so many form. A factory worker making sports shoes can take comfort in promoting people's health, finding meaning in his/her job. A housewife can put up with the drudgery of housework when she thinks of the benefit for her family. As one ages and reflects upon life the moments which light up the mind are those where one shares something with others be it love, time, knowledge or experience. Einstein is right and of course he is.

Maybe I should now change the concluding sentence of my earlier blog to "Above all we need to have more compassion for ourselves and others"

Getting them wrong

Recently I watched the film "American Pastoral" during a flight. So engaged in the film that I decided to read the novel by Philip Roth from which the film was adapted. I feel he had a deep insight into human psyche and often dwelt into the bewilderment beneath every placid surface.

One example is his description about how when we interact with people we often get them totally wrong no matter how objective we try to be.

"You fight your superficiality, your shallowness, so as to try to come at people without unreal expectations, without an overload of bias or hope or arrogance.....take them on with an open mind, and yet you never fail to get them wrong......You get them wrong before you meet them, while you are anticipating meeting them; you get them wrong while you are with them;and then you go home to tell somebody else about the meeting and you get them all wrong again..."

Don't we relate to this? So very often we place people in silos based on our own set of ill-perceived criteria. We never consider the uniqueness and complexity behind each character and once an impression is formed we forget that the character evolves and changes with time and circumstances.

As a counsellor it seems imperative to understand a client well, his ego, alto ego, imprints, his shadow, his strength and weakness,  his inner self etc etc, yet for me (partly due to my incompetence) I continue to struggle to go behind the client. Thus I know what Roth was alluding to and when Trump says he can size a person up within 1 minute I am really amazed.

Roth continued with " Maybe the best thing would be to forget being right or wrong about people and just go along for the ride. But if you can do that- well, lucky you"

Don't we however need to exercise some judgement when dealing with people to safeguard our own interest? I think what Roth really meant is to accept the fact that we can never understand a person as well as we think we do, given all the unreal expectations, bias, arrogance and hope within us. Hence we should just "go along for the ride" which I take it to be accepting that sometimes we can be right and sometimes wrong and so be it as long as we do not hold onto our judgement too strongly, ie. neither be too enthralled nor abhorred.

一种米养百种人

There is a Chinese saying 一种米养百种人 (literally the same kind of rice feeds hundred types of people). This phrase just pops into mind when I think of 2 sets of parents that I heard of recently.

Set A parents take great pride in their adult children's achievement. Father, himself a Singapore government scholar, hot housed both son and daughter into entering the gifted program at primary school all the way to choosing and winning the right prestigious government scholarship that will land the best remunerated job. Father was unabashed in comparing children's income with those of acquaintances' children. The last I heard, mother remarked to the daughter's boyfriend she hoped he is drawing at least a 4 figure monthly salary.

Set B parents, professional father (Colombo scholar ) and housewife mother, brought up their children to focus on doing good for mankind and society ie. impart into them altruistic values. Both daughter and son were also in the gifted program. While the daughter is doing well in the corporate world they often frown upon her one-minded ambition to climb the corporate ladder. Though not wealthy they have entirely no qualms to use their savings to support their son all the way through a doctorate degree in his field of interest in the humanities. The parents are nonchalant that his academic career yields poor returns from a financial investment point of view. Of course children of tycoons are also often known to pursue their own interest or work for VWO or are into philanthropy, but they are in a different league altogether from middle income families.

I think about these 2 extreme sets of parents. I wonder why a government scholar still needs his children's success to validate himself? Is it a status succession thing? On the other hand I also wonder what makes the second set of parents so comfortable in their own skin? Are they not the least worried that their son may not enjoy the security and comforts holding a lowly paid academic job?

I also think about where I stand along the line between these 2 extremes. On the one hand I am influenced by the common Asian parent definition of success and conditioned to desire glorification from the children's achievement. On the other hand I am also swayed by the liberal parents approach to allow children to aspire or dream and pursue their life goals even though they differ from ours and deviate from the well trodden paths and markers of conventional success.

At the end of the day if 一种米养百种人 some people have to be the outlying statistics in a normal bell curve, we should let our children be if they so choose.

What is a Life worth living?

In a span of a week 2 celebrities took their own life, Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. Whilst I know very little of Kate Spade beyond the colourful handbags on display, I love to watch Antthony Bourdain's program, travelling across the world to understand each country's culture through its cuisines and street food. I enjoyed his honest and humourous remarks often spiced with a tinge of sarcasm. You relate to him when he described places and food which you have visited and tried. I especially feel this connection when he remarked about Singaporeans:  " Remember this is a culture where there's no shame in a big bowl of steamy noodles or laksa first thing in the a.m.".

Coincidentally I just read Sylvia Plath's "The Bell Jar" a week before these suicides. Plath also took her own life and the novel is partially based on her own life. One gets a glimpse of the experience of someone suffering from depression. For the author it was like being trapped in a bell jar smoothered with endless ruminations of self doubt, dejection and suicidal thoughts.

Anthony Bourdain's suicide however came as a shock to me. For me, on the TV at least, this is the guy who knows how to truly appreciate what life has to offer. Of course that is before I googled about him after his passing. Even his mother told the New York Times, "He is absolutely the last person in the world I would have dreamed would do something like this." This is a person who seems so focused in his vocation, so in touch with himself and the world that it is hard to believe that he can even harbour thoughts of giving up on life.

I am now more convinced than ever that sense pleasures as well as all the trappings of wealth, status and relationships are no sure promises of happiness. Instead we have to train our minds to steer away from unwise perceptions and beliefs that only specific conditions when met can constitute a life worth living. Above all we need to have more compassion for ourselves.

"Our sorrows and wounds are healed only when we touched them with compassion"- Jack Kornfield

Of No Divide

While waiting to board a flight home from Beijing airport I struck a conversation with a Chinese National,  a lady in her late thirties who was returning to Singapore where she has worked for more than a decade. She is not a permanent resident yet and is hesitating whether to become one though she likes working and living in Singapore. She speaks well of Singapore and its efficient and corruption free government. However she points out there is one shortcoming even while I corrected her that there is certainly more than one. From her interaction with her Singaporean colleagues she observed that their main complain seems to be the progressive deferment of getting their CPF money, the inadequacy of the annual payout and the inability to draw out all of the  money which belongs to them. I get the impression she is some sort of supervisor of a team of blue collar workers. She also spoke of ex colleagues who though retired at 65 have to work odd jobs to sustain a livelihood because of the high costs of living. At times she looked at me strangely when I appeared surprised at what she was sharing. I also felt slightly embarrassed learning more about what's happening in my home country from a foreigner.

In an article "Class divide: S'pore in danger of becoming academic aristocracy", Chua Mui Hoong talks about 2 Singapores, one that lives in a 'condo-and-car bubble' and another where life is a constant struggle. How do I really feel being one of those living in the bubble? To be freaking honest, I feel abundantly relieved and grateful, just by the luck of being a bit more academically inclined (even though my IQ score is at the lower borderline of average). As the writer puts it if the society had valued and paid highly for motor skills I would have been the one struggling for a living.

I also agree with Chua Mui Hoong when she thinks a 'compassionate meritocracy' (where those who have the means help out those who are disadvantaged) may give rise to another class divide. In her words "the academic aristocracy, already imbued with a sense of entitlement and privilege, may then feel morally justified to feel like benefactors in the system, bestowing on lesser creatures the largesse of their generous assistance. Any system that pits one group as benefactor and another as recipient remains an unequal one." Even when I give a bigger ang pow during Chinese New Year to the road sweeper in charge of my estate or forgo the money the garang guni man pays me for my newspaper, don't I have a bit of that 'bestowing feeling' which the writer describes?

The only solution as I see it is to cultivate a respect for all jobs and vocations very much like what is happening in Japan, where the pride in each job is its contribution to the collective good. We  also have to raise the minimum salary and close the wage gap between different job types. Above all our young must be taught to appreciate that people are endowed with various skills, all of equal value to society, of no divide.

Respect for the wise elders?

 One evening while on a package tour to Beijing and Xian, we were resting in a lounge at a restaurant waiting to be seated for lunch. A local family was seated opposite us. My attention was drawn to a toddler running around falling from one adult's arms to another. Six adults' attention was on him encouraging him , complimenting his dexterity or lovingly chiding his mischief. From their conversation I guess they were his parents and 2 sets of grandparents. So much love is showered on one child but I wonder whether this one child can be filial to 6 adults.

From my various visits to China led by local tour guides, I noticed that many of the older guides in their forties or late thirties often spoke about their parents with deference and how their parents deserved to enjoy their retirement. I also get the impression they take quite good care of their parents. The younger guides however, those in twenties and early thirties, seldom speak much of their parents. Of course I don't have enough statistics to make any conclusion but it may explain why China has to pass a Elderly Rights Law in 2013 making it a must for adult children to visit their parents.

Respect for the elders in most culture stems partly from the belief that wisdom increases with age and experiences in life. A lot then depends on what each society defines as wisdom. If wisdom is knowledge then it is just a click away in today's digital age and the young are more deft in acquiring knowledge. If wisdom is insight from past experience then the values adopted by a society must not be constantly shifting which will render such insight irrelevant. Changing values render different priorities in life between the young and old. Thus it may be hard to convince the young that with age comes wisdom in today's world of accelerating change.

Hence it is more urgent now than ever that respect for elders be instilled as part of moral and religious education. Embracing the aging process instead of shame around aging will help honour the elderly.

Waves in China

Just returned from a short trip to Beijing and Xian , my third and second visit respectively. My last visit to these 2 cities were in 2008. My advice to people who wish to see certain famous tourist attractions in China is to do so asap before the local China nationals become richer and richer. China in itself comprising 23 provinces and a population of 1.3 billion is like a big continent with many countries. In fact China's population is almost double that of Europe. Can you imagine what domestic tourism spending is like when every Chinese's dream in each of these 23 Chinese provinces is to visit each other or at least the must see places like Beijing's Great Wall and Xian's Terracota.

In 2008 when I visited the Forbidden City I was able to take my time to look into the throne room and the emperor's wedding chamber albeit at the barrier set up at the doorway. During the recent visit the throng of domestic tourists elbowing their way to catch a brief glimpse into these chambers deter one from such an attempt. The local guide said that was nothing to lament about compared to the peak seasons when one only sees the back of heads and for a child tourist only backsides. Back in 2008 when I stayed in Beijing for 2 weeks while my daughter was interning there, I ventured on a weekday into the long corridors of the Forbidden  City and deserted living quarters of the Imperial harem. There I lingered imagining the sorrowful lives wasted in those chambers where some imperial consorts never in their lifetime met the emperor. If you visit the Forbidden City today the noise and chatter permeates the whole palace and the ambiance for such mulling is impossible.

At pit 1 of the Teracotta Warrior Site in Xian, the museum guide assigned to our group was exasperated with us. He rebuked us for not maintaining our foothold when he managed to find a good viewing spot. Instead we were shoved away by waves of domestic tourists. In his effeminate voice, eunuch mannerism and cynical humour he nagged us for not being aggressive enough. Pit 1 really looked more like a refugee camp when we were there, on a weekday mind you.

China tourism data showed that 4 billion domestic trips were made in China in 2016, equivalent to 3 trips on an average per person in the population. The revenue from domestic travel amounted to RMB 3.9 trillion in 2016. The GDP per capita has doubled since my previous visit in 2008 from USD 3500 to USD 8000.

Therefore it is better to visit places in your wish list asap before the tide of Chinese national's holiday spending power surges further and swarms of Chinese tourists descend on those tourist attaractions, be it in the confines of China or even further ashore in Asia and Europe.

Beacon of Democracy

Following the Malaysia 2018 GE live on TV and social media caused some racing heartbeat moments for me. Analysts termed the 2018 GE as the mother of all Malaysia elections even before polling day because of the expected neck to neck fights between the ruling BN and the opposition parties. I recalled the racial riots that happened in 1969 following the street celebrations of DAP and other opposition parties which had garnered more seats than expected. In 1969 I was a teenager living in KL and experienced the tension and anxieties of the time. I thought to myself if the 2018 election is to be the mother even of the 1969 election, will there be unrest on even a bigger scale?

Almost half a century from 1969, news update comes from various sources and social media (TV, online news, WhatsApp mesages) almost instantaneously. What a far cry from 50 years ago when neighbours ran short distances across narrow streets during curfews to alert hearsay of impending attacks from rioters. I froze as I watched a video through WhatsApp showing the mobilistion of riot police at a counting centre in Ayer Hitam, Johor, after a huge crowd of opposition party supporters blocked the passage of cars entering the centre (apparently to stop the act of introducing fake ballot boxes by the ruling party). Another message showed troops stationed at the administrative capital in Putrajaya, KL (which was quickly refuted by the police). The outcry of the crowds in various videos made me really worried there would be unrest and bloodshed. Though I spent only a decade in KL they were during my formative years when I was schooled and which shaped much of my character and outlook. I always felt that whilst the subsequent Singapore utilitarian education gave me a good livelihood the Malaysian holistic education gave me a soul, hence my attachment to Malaysia.

As it turned out the 2018 Malaysia election was a peaceful revolution which toppled the corrupt ruling party which had been in power since independence, a victory of the people including my former classmates and my former neighbours. The voices of our Malaysian friends are heard and I rejoice with them in winning back their Malaysia, now a "beacon of democracy" in this region.

Giving

Mark Twain once said "To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with". My mother-in-law will fully agree with him. Just yesterday she struck lottery and won $4K. She gave each of her 10 grandchildren $200 despite the fact that all of them except for two are working adults. Knowing full well that her joy is derived from giving I encourage my 2 'kidults' to act really happy and appreciative.

Many of us are especially measured when comes to giving our time. Yet I also find that giving one's time brings the deepest joy. Many of the children in the Children's Home which I visit weekly love to play cooking, be they boys or girls. They love to play cooking up an elaborate meal for me. The delight on their faces when I pretend to relish the food, exclaiming how good the food smells and tastes, bounces onto me. These children rarely enjoyed home cooked meals even on their occasional weekend home leave. Hence they may project onto me their longing of a normal family life. My acceptance of their 'effort' gives them joy which infects me, a hard to describe fuzzy feeling which warms the heart.

It is easy to give when the recipient expresses appreciation and gratitude. How about giving without expectation of anything in return? In today's Sunday Times there is an article which relates growing incidences of children and youths sacrificing a lot of study or work time to take care of their parents due to a rising trend of people getting chronic disease at a younger age. This is especially hard if the parents are suffering from dementia or stroke which can change their personality and cognitive power. I think for these caregivers the 'joy' in giving  (if it can be called joy) takes on another format. Some caregivers find meaning and purpose and even pride in taking on the responsibility to meet the needs of another. One caregiver even described such fulfillment as spiritual.

"For it is in giving that we receive"-Francis of Assissi

Right Communication

Gathered from a podcast on Right Communication the following 4 useful points to remember when communicating:

- authenticity
- good intention
- necessity
- right time & place

I discover at least one benefit using them as a mental checklist before speaking, which is arresting the act of nagging. Take for instance you are about to turn in close to midnight and your daughter is still glued to the laptop and has yet to take her shower. You are about to tell her in the most concise statements (so to reduce irritating her ) that sufficient sleep is SOOO important for health and bathing late at night causes rheumatism in old age. Applying the checklist you then ask:

Are the intended words authentic?- Sure, you have sufficient evidence from what you have gathered.

Are they out of good and kind intention?- Of course, you are being caring and protective. Wait a minute, is it really just from a place of caring?  Quite likely it is also to satisfy your sense of 'responsibility' as a mother to deliver advice (even though it has been repeated thousands of time). In other words you need to feel good about yourself as a caring mother.

Is the reminder really necessary? Yes or No depending on her state of mind. If she is rationale she does not need such superfluous advice. However if she is too carried away or lost in time then maybe a short reminder like ' I'm off to bed, it's close to midnight ' will help restore awareness.

Are those facts about sleep, good health and rheumatism appropriate at close to midnight?  Dicey if she is watching an online movie or chatting. Certainly not if she is rushing to meet a work dateline. Assess whether those words will fall on deaf ears. If so save them for a more appropriate time and place.

I read the blog of one intern psychologist  who was quite exhausted with her mother's continuous nagging. She described them as unsolicited advice, incessant reminders and panicky warnings; and a 'repetition compulsion' to satisfy her own emotional needs.

As I ponder further I can think of other types of communication like gossip and probing which obviously do not meet the 4 criteria of 'right communication'. It is good practice to keep them in mind.