Tough Job- Family Court

Recently some MPs in Singapore have spoken up in parliament for the easing of housing rules for divorcees who share care and control for their children. The MPs asked that the names of the  children be included as household members in both parents' application for housing . In response a senior Permanent Secretary disclosed that only 4% of all divorce cases resulted in shared care and control orders. (What it means is that the remaining 96% orders would have one parent given custody order whilst the other has access in varying degree depending on the circumstances of each case).

The disclosure of this statistics has raised some controversies in the forum pages more than the origin issue of housing.  People are astonished that shared care and control forms such a low percentage when studies have shown that involvement of both parents is crucial for healthy child development. The Registrar of the Family Justice Courts in reply assured that great deliberation is exercised in the child's best interest for each case and quoted factors which impede shared custody arrangement like inconvenience, impracticality and the inability of parents to co-operate on a 2 home arrangement. He quoted that 93% of cases with children issues were concluded through mediation. One seemingly frustrated reader wanted statistics on the percentage that fathers are awarded custody and related incidents of male friends  who were ' forced' to relinquish custody only to find themselves facing a lot of restrictions in accessing their children.

Some readers on the other hand have supported the Registrar citing challenges when the child has to shuttle between 2 home environment and struggle with different upbringing approaches,  especially after  one or both parents remarry. Reading all these letters I feel that some of the writers are speaking for themselves or for their close relatives because of the emotional tone within.

Having worked with children of divorced parents to process their emotional turmoil I can only empathise with the Family Court. Seeing how the parents feud over custody or trying their best to win over the hearts of the children it is difficult to envisage how they can co-operate to make a dual home arrangement smooth and harmonious. I feel it is only possible if both parents have separated amiably, parted as friends, are in agreement with each parenting style and really have their children's interest foremost in their hearts. In a recent "Child -in-Between" workshop for the kids, it is so heart wrenching when the children shared that they would never tell their parents how sad and 'mixed-up' they feel when their parents used them to pass angry messages to one another. On a worksheet with many feeling words the children were asked to circle and colour those they have felt before. One child asked for the meaning of 'depressed'. When told she circled it and remarked "I need a dark colour for this". Another child at sandplay therapy built a picture of 2 armies at war in the sandtray. She then put a figurine of a chicken wearing a pair of dark glasses onto a vehicle wheezing between the armies crying "excuse me, excuse me". "That's me." she said. Unless the divorced parents make peace and not war, a disharmonious dual home arrangement is detrimental to the child.

However I must also mention a different heart wrenching situation where a child misses her dad so much that in her sandtray story she worries that the man left alone in the island has not enough food and not enough water because a strong wind will blow everything away. This is probably an example of a court order where the mum has custody but in the subconscious mind of the child the dad is awarded insufficient access.

Poor children!
Tough Job Family Court!