Who am I?

One message the CIB (Children in between) workshop aims to impart to children of  divorcing/divorced parents is that they still belong to a family even when the members are living apart. "Huh?" one child remarked in puzzlement. The social worker explained that from the day he was born he was part of the family and continues to be even if his parents and siblings are not living together. The children were then asked to draw their family on a prescribed page in the workbook designed for the workshop. One Caucasian boy refused to budge and lay on the floor with his hood covering his face. I was assisting in the workshop and I coaxed him to draw himself and his pets first since he was sharing about his pets earlier on. He sat up looked at the page and when I came back after attending to others, he said "Done". I looked at the empty page and remarked that it was empty. He then replied "I am invisible". We did not manage to get him to work on the workbook.

That evening it dawned on me the deeper meaning behind his remarks of being invisible. People usually describe themselves as invisible when they feel left out, excluded and unnoticed. There are many factors which can create such a feeling in children whose parents are divorced or undergoing divorce. Some parents can be so emotionally spent that there is little space left in them to pay attention to their children's feelings. Sitting on the sideline, the child may then feel like a ghost without a body.

Often the children are used as go between reinforcing their misconception they are responsible for their parents' divorce. In their own eyes they are defective and unlovable and often numb themselves as a coping mechanism. Hence they feel disconnected from their body.

Lost and confused are among some of the feeling words which the children circle to describe how they feel at the workshop. The children's entire world which was previously defined by their parents and family suddenly collapses. It is hard for the kids to grasp they are still themselves while struggling to figure out where they fit in the new world. This sense of loss again fuels the feeling of being invisible and unable to find oneself.

That was the first session out of 3 in the CIB workshop. I guess I now know what to focus on to help this 'invisible' boy find himself. Hopefully at the next session he can draw at least a stick figure who represents him on the page entitled "My Family".