Feelings from the heart

What should be your response when an 8 year old girl utters "I was upset when my mother told me my father passed away" and then minutes later " I was sad that my father went to prison 3 times before he died".

We were playing a game using 'Feeling Cards'. Each player takes turn to display and describe a feeling card in his/her deck which include emotions like 'sad, upset, embarrassed, guilty, scared, angry etc'. I had put down my 'upset' card citing an upsetting situation when my own children didn't listen to me. When the girl placed her 'upset' card and talked about the passing of her father I thought she didn't have a 'sad' card in her deck, hence using the closest word available.

I then delivered my 'sad' card sharing about the passing away of my mum many years ago. That was when she put down her 'sad' card mentioning her father's incarceration when alive, looking straight at me with those lucid eyes of hers, half sad and (in my mind) also trying to detect my response. She said her father was in prison 3 times before he died. It didn't come as a shock to me that her father was ever incarcerated as many children in the Home come from similar dysfunctional families. It did however surprised me that she finally talked about it. I knew she was trying to detect whether there was scorn, despise or shock in my face. Research has shown that the stigma and shame which children of incarcerated parents experience is from the reaction of people around them. Thus I nodded in quiet acknowledgement of her feelings and continued with the game.

In retrospect the little girl may be quite truthful in expressing her feelings about her father. The fact that she is more sad about his triple incarceration than about his death is possible. There may be very limited bonding because of his constant absence while the stigma of his incarceration may consistently weigh on her. She could have been speaking from her heart.

At the end of the session as she was leaving I felt a sudden urge to call her name. She turned back to look at me and I instinctively uttered "Love You". She ran back and wrapped her hands round my waist while I spontaneously held her close stroking her hair.

We were speaking from our hearts.