The world in turmoil and Life has to go on

 What years the world has seen recently! But isn't it the same with certain periods over various era, World Wars I & II, Bubonic Plague, Spanish Flu, 1976 Tangshan earthquake and Famines? What I mean is, the world has seen very challenging times over history, difficult years came and went. So will the new year see easing of some crisis the world is facing?

According to Professor Roel Beetsma, prof of macroeconomics at the University of Amsterdam: "The number of crises has increased since the start of the century......since world war II, we have never seen such complicated situation." I guess many will agree with him . In fact it seems like a perfect storm with a confluence of Covid, never ending Ukraine War where both sides seem to enter into a death duel and the increasingly frightening impact of Climate Change.

Higher cost of living and climate change is wrecking misery to millions around the world. Almost everyone other than the wealthy feels the impact. How does one remain calm and happy when surrounded by such bleakness?

When visiting an 89 year old aunt we had a discussion as to why many young couples decide not to have kids. I explained to her that all the world in turmoil may be deterring them from having children. She retorted that the world has it own problems but your life still has to go on (including your descendants' as well I suppose).

Still I agree with her. It's impractical to wish for a perfect world to feel happy. We just have to be zen about forces beyond our control and watch our sense of bleakness comes and goes. As Sigmund Freud puts it "Much will be gained if you succeed in transforming your hysterical misery into ordinary unhappiness".

As per my aunt life goes on and we should find purpose just doing what we are born to do, be it your job, your vocation or being a parent/son/daughter. 

Happy New Year, 

BUT above all,  'Don't feel bad if you are unhappy'.

When Love overcomes Hate

 

Our workshop for children from divorced families is over 3 sessions on 3 consecutive Fridays. One participant did not turn up for the first session. When contacted the father said he didn't see the need for his son to attend. However we were quite startled when the boy turned up for the second session brought in by his mother. The mother was then advised to work this out with her husband as the child seemed to be benefitting from the workshop session. When the boy did not turn up for the third session the mother, when contacted, said the child was scheduled to be with the father on that day and she could not make him bring the kid to attend the workshop.

Jennifer Hurvitz, author of One Happy Divorce said " You  have to love your child more than you hate your spouse "

Fortunately, there was the father of another participant who amusingly related to us that the child applied what she learnt from the workshop promptly. When asked by her mother to pass a message to him, the little girl told her mum politely to do so herself. The girl said she didn't want to be "caught in the middle". 

For every despair there is hope. 

Still it is hard for these kids. Indeed when asked about the take away, strategies and tools they have learnt in managing their feelings and worries, they can regurgitate the contents. However on completion of the workshop sessions when asked in a survey form whether they agree they now feel less stressed about their parents' divorce, many still 'disagree'.

Indeed it is not only about how much the children can absorb in the 3 two-hourly sessions, it is largely dependent on how much effort the parents are willing to put in to suspend their anger/hatred and work towards a common goal for the mental well being of their children.

"When you tell a child you hate their other parent you are telling them you hate half of of who they are"-unknown

Abolish Childhood Regrets

 

At one of the 3 sessions of a workshop for children from divorced families we have to impart the following truths:

• they didn't cause their parents' divorce
• that they are still part of a family and
• no matter what they do they can't bring their parents together again

While the first point can be made convincing, the second needs plenty of assurance whilst the third is difficult for them to accept. One child remarked "that was a cruel thing to say".

So the kids watch video, engage in activities & writing exercises to remember these points. We do not know how much is retained after the 2 hour session, especially if they don't really believe them.

So at the subsequent 2 sessions we psycho educate them on thinking positive and finding resources and alternatives to cope and manage their worries and feelings. 

In a ST article "Childhood regrets- mother of reinvention" dated 15 Jul 2021, Prof Chong Siow Ann of IMH mentioned that childhood experiences "exert a powerful and lasting influence in shaping the adults we become". He alluded that a lot of the aching discontent, anger, anxiety in adulthood have their roots in childhood. Helping his adult patients gain insight into the source of their negative feelings is insufficient. In his opinion his patients must have the resolve and commitment to change.

At our children's workshop we flip the feeling cards a lot. The most common feeling cards picked by the kids are 'sad', 'angry', 'scared', 'worried' & 'confused'. It is almost certain that these children will grow up to harbour childhood regrets about missing out from a harmonious or imagined "happy" family. Perhaps they will grow up with a constant feeling of lacking something, much like how Prof Chong describes his adult patients: "In the diversity of the manifestations of their various problems, there was this common theme of yearning, unrealised and unfilled yearning".

In helping the children at our workshop cope with their parents' divorce, we hope to help them shed their misbelief and manage their negative feelings before these become part of a habitual energy that plague their life even into adulthood. 

To tell the children that no matter how hard they try they can not bring their parents together again is 'cruel' as remarked by one child participant of the workshop. However it is better for these children to face the reality and to abolish any lingering regrets forever. 

Prof Chong cited a quote from Diana Athill, distinguished editor and memoirist:

"Regrets are useless, so forget them"

Anwar brings back memories

 

Anwar Ibrahim being sworn in as Malaysia's PM reminds me half a century has passed since I left Kuala Lumpur where I spent my childhood and early teens to return to Singapore where I was born. 

Memories of my mother mentioning in worrisome tone about the rise of a radical Malaysian Muslim Youth Movement leader resurfaced.  Anwar was once detained for 20 months for leading a student demonstration against rural poverty and had led the Muslim Empowerment Movement against the ruling party. Naturally my mother was concerned as would any Chinese living in Malaysia then.

Anwar was a household name literally. So you can say I grew up and grow old with 'Anwar'. Not really appreciating the complexities of Malaysian politics I simply rejoiced at the news of Anwar becoming the 10th PM, partly because he represents the realisation of a dream, victory of a long drawn fight and hope for a brighter future for Malaysia. I was glad that my simplistic delight was echoed by the head waiter at my club's cafe, a Malaysian Indian who believes in Anwar's maxim of A Malaysia for ALL Malaysians and his vows of not compromising corruption.

So much has happened in Malaysia since I left half a century ago. Every time I visit Malaysia I empathise with the Malaysian Rakyat, I see the vast land and resources but so much has has been drained to private pockets and billions in GDP lost.

If my mother is alive, she would probably speak approvingly of Anwar being the PM. He has also changed of course. 

Hopefully, No Worries Ma.

Charity

 

Came across this term "Effective Altruism" (EA) in the media. It is the concept of donating charity in the most effective manner. It builds around the idea mooted by one philosopher named Peter Singer who advocates that giving must involve a balance between empathy and reasoning. Singer used the "child-in-pond" scenario to make his point. In his analogy a passer by wearing a pair of expensive shoes would not hesitate to save a drowning child at the expense of ruining his shoes. This arises from a direct empathetic encounter. However when invited to post a cheque to save a child suffering from starvation, half way across the globe, people will tend to toss the envelop away. Singer thinks ethically both scenarios are the same. 

To practice EA the giver must research and donate to the organisation that does the most good with every dollar. Carried to its extreme, a person who is a top income earner should spend his time earning big bucks and donating to such organisations instead of volunteering his service. Thus it is not surprising that EA societies attract math and tech nerds and entrepreneurs. Some EA fanatics are known to feel remorseful and terribly guilty when splurging on a "luxury" item out of impulse.

Fanatics aside there are some charitable people who are really quite admirable. Recently the Straits Times reported a retired businessman donating S$3 million to 6 charities. A couple of years ago in 2018 he also donated S$2.5m to charities. Curious about such generosity I read on and was amazed to note that the person is not super wealthy or has no family to bequeath his wealth to. Having sold his landed property and moved into a condo, he found he had excess money, so he up his donation. 

("I have already reached an old age and money to me is not important, so whatever excess I have, I will donate,” said the retiree, whose son and two daughters are married with their own children.")

What I really admire about this person is his non attachment, to material things and in particular to his family. ie. not hung up on providing the most comfortable life possible for his children and grandchildren. 

His action makes us reflect on true charity, EA or otherwise.

Give Some Slack

 If you watch Breaking Bad you may sometimes find yourself siding the 2 protagonists like I do, despite all the crime and evil deeds they commit. This is because the story traces their circumstantial moral descend; confronted with adversity to begin with and spiraling down a path of deepening evil to safeguard themselves and their family. Of course there is greed, hatred, cruelty involved but there is also the human side of love and loyalty. The moral dilemma comes on very strongly by the characters.

Watching this drama and reading about criminal acts in the media, I sometimes reflect on how circumstances and conditioning shape people's life and character. There has been lots of argument as to whether we are born amoral and need to be reined in, born as white slates to be conditioned or born gentle and kind but corrupted by the cruel inequality of society (as per Jean-Jacques Rosseau).

I do believe people are born with different personality traits partly in the genes and biological makeup. However I am fully convinced that nurture ie. the environment and conditioning plays a larger part in the shaping of a person's character. This also explains why people's character changes over time moulded by their experiential circumstances. 

If you just pause to ponder how uniquely varied a single person's past experiences is, you would appreciate the complexity involved in each character. For example think about road rage, why would an otherwise well behaved person finds it difficult to control his road rage? What has he come across in the past to trigger it? Is it a confluence of many factors?

At the end of the day it bears to pause a bit before passing judgement on others. That of course includes not judging your own self. Give yourself some slack, remember your weaknesses arise from a vast array of input and conditioning, some beyond your control.

Well, each and everyone on earth is just seeking his or own happiness or some form of meaning.

A Sad World?

 David Brooke wrote an article "The rising tide of global sadness". In it he quoted statistics from the Gallup survey that shows negative emotions on a rise over the years hitting a record high last year among an annual 150,000 people surveyed across 14 countries. Another research group which analysed 150,000 pop songs released between 1965 and 2015 found the appearance of the word "love" in the Top 100 hits roughly halved while words like "hate" rose sharply. Brooks also concluded that even for countries that have become much richer people surveyed there do not seem to feel happier.

It is tough to feel happy really. I turn on the bedroom TV when I wake up every morning while washing up. The main topics featured other than breaking news include Ukraine War, Adverse Impact of Climate Change, Threats be it economic or territorial from US, China and Russia, Covid, rising cost, stock market tumble etc etc. The bad news never stops coming and one is made never to rule out the unimaginable from happening in this world. It seems like the world is topsy turvy and the leaders turned crazy. 

Perhaps the world always had various challenges over the centuries. Just that now we are so well informed by media, we are aware of all the woes in different parts of the globe in any single moment. A research suggests that almost half the UK population avoids the news.

Maybe I should stop the habit of tuning to news first thing in the morning. But isn't that some form of denial? Well maybe not, one doesn't have to be so well informed really.  I guess personal accounts of people in distress affect me most and I should try to avoid watching such coverage. As for impact of climate change, instead of thinking about what the future beholds it is better to resolve to do my part for the day. If I am fretting over the market turmoil, I must remember Warren Buffet calls it the ''market noise". I must also remind myself that all media love to sensationalize. Didn't every era see its fair share of mad or ruthless kings and leaders over past thousands of years, so what's new? Of course if the news for the day is really bad or distressing I should spend some time on activities to rebalance my negative world view, like reading the section on travels and entertainment in the newspaper, watching some funny video on pets and children, admiring my plants and paying attention to the birds' call in the garden. 

I should also always remember the phrase "Ten thousand joys and ten thousand sorrows". Acknowledging each as they come and go.

What he loved and what he could do well

 

My aunty from Hong Kong just texted me the sad news of my uncle's passing away from cancer at 90. He was a designer and spent his retirement years engaging in artistic pursuits including painting, photography, making video, writing poetry and calligraphy.

In addition to the usual condolence messages I added in my simplistic Chinese:

三叔生前很爱艺术。过着有趣的生活。应该死而无憾☘️

My aunty replied:

是的，他很亨受生活，他說這一生都无憾了

Reflecting on her words I can recall how his eyes would sparkle when relating his passionate pursuits. He strikes me as someone who was fully engaged with whatever he was doing.

It must have been fiery passion that drove him to uproot from Singapore to pursue college education in China in the 1950s to realise his ideals that Communism was the best political system for mankind. Towards the end of the Cultural Revolution realising how the system had fallen short of his 'utopian dream' he managed to leave for Hong Kong setting up from scratch his design shop starting with logo and labels before moving on to bigger things.

When relating his life history however he spoke not of regrets but only of experiences. He strikes me as someone who looked forward all the time, took things in his stride and followed his heart to maximise life. 

On a telephone call when my aunty was describing his health condition detailing the physical care she was rendering, he chipped in to say cheekily 我有个好老婆

When I read my aunty's words "他很亨受生活，他說這一生都无憾了" a word crossed my mind -"Ikigai". 

The following is the definition:

'Ikigai is a Japanese concept that means your ‘reason for being.’ ‘Iki’ in Japanese means ‘life,’ and ‘gai’ describes value or worth. Your ikigai is your life purpose or your bliss. It’s what brings you joy and inspires you to get out of bed every day'.

三叔 knew indeed what he loved and what he could do well.

A Good Reminder

 

"Remember that in life you ought to behave as at a banquet. Suppose that something is carried round and is opposite to you. Stretch out your hand and take a portion with decency. Suppose that it passes by you do not detain it. Suppose that it is not yet come to you do not send your desire forward to you, but wait till it is opposite you"- Greek stoic philosopher Epictetus

I find this quote humorous and serves as a good reminder for moderation, avoidance of FOMO and anxiety/greed.

A Better Future?

 Our senior minister Tharman in a talk used the phrases "global fragility" and "perfect long storm" to describe the challenges our world is facing on climate change, geopolitical conflicts, poverty in some under developed countries, food insecurity, energy crisis and stagflation. In a survey carried out in advanced countries less than 27% of parents think that their children would be better than them financially.

We the baby boomers inherit our parents' inter generation commitment to make life easier for their offspring. Since we met our parents' expectations and achieved a higher standard of living than theirs we naturally expect our children to have a better future than ourselves. However the world circumstances do not seem to point in that direction and we are disturbed because we have worked hard to provide for our kids. So it's natural to feel a bit bewildered and sad as well for not fulfilling this inter generation commitment. On top of that we may feel responsible for bringing about the various types of insecurities our children are facing. For instance, we are accused of leaving behind a 'society revolving around profit rather than sustainability.'

Perhaps we must think through what a 'better life' means. Our perception of a better life may actually differ from that of our children. Our children no longer abide the conventional paths of 'success'  that we have taken preferring to redefine what constitutes a 'life well lived' which aligns with their values.

In the end we can only hope for a more stable world so that our children can live with less uncertainties and that this 'global fragility' will regain its strength and that the "perfect long storm" be blown over sooner.

Passing of an Era

 

My deceased mother was 4 years older than Queen Elizabeth and admired her. She told me when my elder brother was born and our family was struggling with poverty she lamented her station in life when compared with that of the queen's, who had given birth to a prince and the whole commonwealth was celebrating. My mother probably followed the Queen's life story as they had similar personal life milestones.

My mother grew up when Singapore was a British colony and must have lived in awe of the British.  I remember she held very high regard for white men in general. It could be because my grandfather's watch shop was at Change Alley close to where the British civil servants worked. Perhaps through my grandfather's influence she loved light Western classical music and had a weak spot for Western goods inclusive of English biscuits and shortbreads which we could hardly afford. 

My mother's generation is sometimes called the Silent generation and their characteristics include thrift,  respect for authority, loyalty, diligence/determination and strong sense of responsibility. In some ways Queen Elizabeth was an embodiment of all the above. With her passing I feel the final finale of an era which belonged to my mother's generation. In some ways it was also like a closure of some kind. 

Amid the bewilderment I now often feel about this fast changing world and my struggle to keep comprehending new social attitude and contour, I feel the Queen's passing marks the end of any lingering nostalgia about the past and reminds us to move on to embrace a new era.

The Confidante

 Read about this Japanese guy who rents himself out for $100 an hour to do anything the customer wants of him other than illegal and sexual favours. Most of the jobs required of him is that of a companion or listener. Some clients also need his company to avoid being seen alone in some socially awkward situations. For instance to satisfy her whims of  wearing a sari to dine at a restaurant a Japanese female client wanted him to dine with her. Another client wanted his company to play on the see-saw in the park. I guess the person found it too embarrassing to request a friend to accompany him.  It just goes to show that fear of social attitude often inhibits one's freedom to do what one really desires.

Also came across a podcast about an American black man who found that people often confide and share their personal stories with him at airports or train stations after he became blind. He thinks people are sharing their life secrets with him because he can't see who they are, hence they feel they would not be judged.

So people are comfortable being with someone who is 

1) unable to see or unable to judge them 

2) doesn't bother to judge them 

3) paid not to judge them or

4) whose opinion is of little importance to them. 

That is why many people do not confide their problems with family and friends but will seek the help of a paid therapist.  The Japanese guy mentioned above probably fits all the last 3 qualifications.

In this respect my cat satisfies the first and second qualifications above too and I don't have to pay a hundred buck to talk to her. 

A true confidante if you will.

Giving and Receiving

 We have a mango tree that bears fruits once in a few years, plentiful when it does. So we distribute to neighbours and friends when we harvest. Most will accept with a smile and some small talk about gardening. There is this neighbour whose backyard is adjacent to ours. He usually doesn't express much appreciation, probably taking with a hidden squirm if I may describe it. This time round he remarked "Mangoes are really cheap. You can get one for less than a dollar". Well, we still believe in equal distribution around us.

There are people who are afraid of receiving gifts or favours from others. They may be very generous but will never accept anything be it objects or services from another person. I have an aunt who insists you take everything she offers but will never accept any in return. It can be quite infuriating because you feel somehow rejected.

I try to analyse  this strange behaviour It is quite normal that we were taught from young  never to accept gifts from strangers just in case there is some unwholesome motive underlying the gift. Maybe this warning is amplified in some people. Another reason could be the fear of being obligated ie. you owe the giver a favour. Yet another reason may be pride ie. not wanting to feel weak or vulnerable or in anyway lesser than the giver. So like when I was young I would refuse offers of expensive snacks or small toys from more well to do classmates or even a chauffeured ride from another.

About my neighbour, I think he has fears of intimacy. He is afraid of building closer connection. Maybe he is also worried after eating our mangoes he cannot throw our cat over the wall when she wanders into his territory. 

As for me as I grew up I learnt to accept gifts graciously because I observed that people are happy and feel appreciated. It shows them their gift has touched me. 

It's my gift to them too.

"This is Me, not my tattoos, not my degree"

 

The local media celebrated the success of an ex gangster  who picked up the pieces after spending time in a detection centre twice and then went on to ITE, Polytechnic before graduating with highest distinction in Social Work in NUS at the age of 31.

Something he said in his interview with the media strikes me. 

All the accolades and congratulatory messages gave him 'mixed feelings'. Though happy, he has questions being the poster boy who is able to succeed academically despite adverse and disadvantaged circumstances. He feels sad that people do not really appreciate him as a person (tattoo and Singlish inclusive) but more the qualifications he has achieved. Unlike his ITE classmates and friends from the gangs who are more "genuine" and accept him as he is, he thinks people are generally too "materialistic". He related how he became quite self conscious about his appearance and manner of speech when he first entered university and found it difficult to connect with his classmates. He appreciated people who accepted him as one of them. 

Hence he wrote a book entitled "I am not a label, I am Gary" 

I think of how I am probably one of the so called 'people' who measure another person by appearance, social standing and education. It's not about being snobbish. It's more like sizing a person up so that I know how to interact or safeguard myself if necessary. I guess it is natural animal instinct to avoid danger. Admittedly I would be initially wary of a person whose body is covered with tattoos extensively. However my counselling training and counselling experience has taught me that beneath the appearance and mannerism lies a human being who wants to be accepted. 

When I was a counsellor in a neighbourhood school, boys who told me in confidence about being part of a gang, behaved humbly and were willing to share their secrets when I made them feel unconditional acceptance ('unconditional positive regards' in counselling terms). Beneath the defiant behaviour are boys who want to be accepted and not sanctioned.

Once I engaged a cleaning contractor who employed ex convicts to spring clean my home. 2 heavily tattooed middle aged men came with their supervisor. I was a bit uncomfortable being the only one at home. However as I observed them concentrating on their work I dropped all my defenses and interacted with them normally making them feel comfortable too I guess. 

Gary (the poster boy) said only when university classmates didn't battle an eyelid at his tattooed body he felt he was part of them. In his interview with the media he stressed "This is Me. Not my tattoos. Not my degree".

Yes Gary while I am awed by your academic success despite your challenged background, I am grateful to you for reminding us to accept others as themselves.

For every loss there is a gain

 

A cataract operation forces me to suspend a large part of my routines, from taiji to swimming, gardening to housework and less screen work. I resort to audio books and podcasts. As only one eye is corrected I am having a slight imbalance problem which limits my venturing outdoors.

For every loss there is gain. 

To work my muscles and joints I started to do walking in the living room. To break the monotony I decided to memorise the Heart Sutra so as to work my mind as well. Trying to commit to memory this sutra which is the shortest but deemed most important , I need to understand the meaning as well. Hence I looked up Heart Sutra lectures in Youtube. To my delight I came across a 2 session talk on this sutra by none other than my former teacher whom I respect a lot. The sessions gave me deeper understanding. The more you dwell into a subject the more you want to know. Hence I begin to look for lectures delivered by other teachers as well.

To understand the emptiness of all phenomena will lead to the end of all sufferings 

Aspiring to understand this should be the underlying goal of my life. It takes the "unfortunate" circumstances of a post cataract operation to remind me.

The Hummingbird Dance

 

Yesterday morning I was about to step out into my garden when I noticed a yellow humming bird flying around a flowering plant at the right balustrade. I held my steps and stood very still watching it sucked nectar from one flower before flipping on to the next flower. I like to watch humming birds hanging delicately on the stalks with their long thin beaks reaching into the flowers. They are however very sensitive to movement and the moment you try to step a bit nearer to take a photo they promptly fly away.

There is something unusual about this bird though. I was watching it from a distance at the doorstep, afraid once I stepped into the garden it would fly away. Having enough of the nectar, instead of flying away or onto another flowering plant, it flew towards the doorway where I was standing and did a flapping dance in mid air right before my very eyes about 2 feet from me. I watched its tiny wings fluttering in quick movements which lasted quite awhile. I smiled at it and was overwhelmed with emotions. We connected. It felt like one of my deceased relatives was reaching out to me.

Later in the day it occurred to me that yesterday happened to fall on the first day of the seventh lunar month. The Taoists and certain Buddhiss believe that during this month the spirits of the deceased are free to roam the earth.

Nature's way

 

When you meet old friends after a long while you may be taken aback by how they have aged. Likewise you begin to wonder whether they think the same about you. When you chance upon a brightly lit mirror that reflects your shockingly true image you are aghast at how much your cheeks have sagged and the eyelids have drooped.

So this month I crossed another year which brings me nearer to the big 70. Usually birthdays don't bother me much but the past month I was dealing with health problems that cropped up one after another reminding me of the depreciation of my body machine. (It never occurred to me that I need to provide for accelerated depreciation thinking the straight line method is sufficient). Perhaps it was the initial Covid infection which weakened the whole system. Old problems resurfaced. So after Covid, it was acid reflux or Gerd which actually has been inactive for quite awhile. Before I could finish the course of medicine for Gerd, I had a severe tonsilitis attack which needed antibiotics that further exacerbated the Gerd. Then at night the sinus problem flared up disturbing my sleep and making me feel weaker. So you see when you are getting old you must avoid getting sick because a train of ailments will be triggered by the first. Now I also understand why elderly people carry plastic baskets of medication and have reminder systems or detailed medication schedules (before food, after food, once daily, three times daily, upon waking up, before bedtime). Phew! Is that nature's way to keep dementia away.

Nevertheless birthday celebrations is a must despite the pain and fatigue. Initially you feel like being dragged along so not to be a 'kill-joy'. But without fail you find yourself enjoying the fun, the merriment and the warmth. You are reminded of all the blessings you have. So what if the body aches and the stomach rumbles.

Right action

 

Sometimes I shudder at the thought of the multiple or rippling effects of a single action. Of course this was triggered when coming across news that 250 thousand workers in India's diamond cutting and polishing industry were laid off arising from western sanctions on Russian diamond suppliers ( impact of Russia/Ukraine war).

As I ponder I realize even an individual's small action can have far reaching effect. For example there is this case where the negligence of 2 employees of an eldercare service provider caused the death of an elderly resident. The driver of the van forgot to apply the brake of the wheel chair while another healthcare worker did not hold onto the wheelchair properly. Unintentional acts but that of an unfocused mind. Again one wonders what caused the driver to be less attentive and the worker to have a less firm grip. Could something have happened at home or at work that distracted the driver (perhaps arising from yet another person's actions)? Could some physical discomfort have caused a loss of strength for the healthcare worker? The two are charged in court for performing a negligent act. This will have a rippling effect on each individual member of their family not to mention their colleagues. 

In the most common day to day example, an improper comment or some slightly impolite behaviour may cause an aggressive reaction from the recipient if they happen to be in foul mood. This will escalate tension and create adverse rippling effect on people who cross their path and it spreads on and on in widening circles.

It bears to remember how our every action or words can have consequences we may not even imagine. We must practice and practice and practice continuously to be mindful.

"I come here empty-handed, and I go empty-handed. My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground on which I stand.”

Thích Nhất Hạnh

Promising Talk

 Singapore's 4G leaders are taking an initiative to engage citizens to "refresh the social compact" because they want "Singapore always to be a country for all citizens, not just a few".

DPM Lawrence Wong's words seem truly promising "We want to value every citizen, value all talents, not just those who do well in school, but everyone must be valued, everyone must have a role in our society".

I certainly hope this initiative will really foster a brighter future for the academically weak students especially those from low income families. In the past when I had play therapy with children in a certain Children Home, I noticed again and again how the kids who do badly in school carry with them a sense of shame and have very low self esteem. This brings to mind that children from dysfuctional families is another group to be taken care of and not ignored.

Our meritocracy system which has worked well in the past is now loosing its essence because children from privileged background have the social capital to do well in school and have successful professional careers or careers in finance or technology. People without degrees or not inclined for such specialized fields generally end up in customer services or in some blue collar jobs which pay considerably less. Lawrence Wong says we need "to develop and recognise talents in diverse fields". My question :" Is the government willing to provide better support for arts professionals for example or for that matter careers in sectors which may not contribute directly to GDP growth?"

Lawrence Wong again: "Let us all recognise them (hawkers, delivery riders, cleaners, security guards), treat them with dignity and respect, treat them kindly, never turn up our noses at anyone-and pay them well".

If not for the last 4 words in the statement, I would have scoffed at the statement. Yes, unless we 'pay them well' it may be difficult to address this inequality in our society. Unless 'we pay them well" there will always be a segment in society which will feel disenfranchised.

Let's hope the minister will hold to his words. 

Freedom rethink

 

Tested Covid +ve means isolation and suspending all household chores, social commitments and routine activities for 7 days unless tested negative sooner. Earlier during the infection period I slept quite a fair bit because the fever, scratchy throat, cough and fatigue makes the body weak. 

As the infection wears on and a bit of strength is regained I began to think how to preoccupy myself, alternating between listlessness and freedom. Relieved of all responsibilities and commitments I experience a sense of Real freedom, a free individual.

I started to recall my chores I suspended and appointments cancelled for the week. Cleaning the house, marketing, cooking dinner, gardening plus giving the cat an aloe vera rub, afternoon swim, lunch appointment with friends, facial massage appointment and group taichi. 

Now I start to analyse how much of these activities I really like. Out goes household chores and cooking dinner. Taichi and swimming are activities to keep healthy and defer unwelcomed illnesses. So it isn't a choice, it's almost a duty to oneself. I don't particularly enjoy facial massage but has to keep up with this so called maintenance routine and out of obligation to the saloon which I have patronised for decades. So what I truly enjoy is interaction with friends and my cat as well as gardening.

This pandemic has deprived me of volunteer activities engaging with children. Pre pandemic days I can still fit in such activities with the routine and mundane ones mentioned above. Though a bit stretched I complained less of the boring chores because they are balanced with other more enjoyable activities. 

The Covid isolation or "freedom" has made me rethink how to plan the days ahead. It has also reminded me illnesses like a bolt can come out of the blue and we have to treasure the freedom offered by good health.

Health is not valued till sickness comes

 

Down with Covid after a weekend trip to Malacca. It was termed a Durian trip by one company's recreational club because the intention was to gorge durians at Tangkak where plantations are plentiful. 

My husband got it before me because he took so much durian for lunch that he was burping durian smell even late at night. He tested positive after running  a fever and cough. I came down with Covid 2 days later a little milder. Anyhow the fatigue I felt was quite overwhelming and I also had very vivid dreams in my sleep. I googled and to my surprise came across a research which concluded that there seems to be "strong associations between increased nightmare in those reporting having had Covid-19".

The chinese believe that certain food (durian and chocolate are good examples) causes heatiness  which stimulates circulation and warms the body. Excessive consumption of such food causes sore throat, fever, mouth ulcers, acne and extreme thirst. As Covid symptoms include sore throat and fever, the Chinese believe Covid patients have toxins or excessive heat in the body induced by the virus.

Reflecting on how my husband ate durian to his heart content without caring two hoots, I am reminded of a series that ran in Readers Digest magazine in the 60's entitled "I am Joe's xxx"( each month introducing a human organ or body part). It is informative and written for layman understanding. What I particularly find interesting is the approach where the body part is the first person talking about its job in Joe's body and often laments how Joe often neglects it and acts or eats food which cause harm and hinder it to work properly.

I think people are generally aware of what contributes to a healthy body but many choose to ignore. First of all it is difficult to hold back an instinctive need. Secondly it is hard to break a habit. Then there is always this perception that one is immune ie. 'sickness only happens to others'. In addition there may be other area in their life which they prioritise above a healthy body.

"Health is not valued till sickness comes"- Thomas Fuller

A Life Not Wasted

 

I have been following a podcast whereby Ajahn Amaro over many sessions with his students discussed a book co authored by him entitled "The Island". 

During Q&A time, a particular student repeatedly over a few sessions expressed dismay over her inability to let go of her attachment to "self" ie. her thoughts are always centered around "Me, My and mine".

In response Ajahn Amaro reiterated many times that her very "awareness" of her thoughts and preoccupation is in itself a huge step forward ie, the ability to view herself separately and not being totally immersed in herself. 

He then went on to make a statement which somehow strikes me. He suggested that she aligns her approach this way- "If I can be at least a bit more aware, my life would not have been wasted".

I think sometimes we bash ourselves up too much not forgetting we are just human. We also often question what we have achieved this lifetime etc

I feel Ajahn's statement can provide a long term guidance or serve as a prevailing purpose. You can fill in with whatever you hope to achieve. For example you can say "If I can be at least a bit kinder towards others, my life would not have been wasted". 

Maybe we can put it as a sticker on the fridge to remind us consistently and hopefully over the long span we can look back with content and agree that our life has not been wasted.

              **************

The best portion of a good man's life is his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and of love- William Wordsworth

The stubborn parent

 

Of late I have been reproached by my adult kids for not paying enough attention to my health. Of course as one gets older various health problems crop up. Knowing that I have been diagnosed with a certain cornea problem some months ago, my son chided me for not taking vitamins or supplements to avoid further deterioration. He then went on a long lecture on me being laissez fare about my health. Similarly my daughter is aghast that I am not doing enough exercises to strengthen my muscles to avoid further development of my osteoporosis problem. I dislike being lectured by them and would sometimes keep relatively minor health problems to myself.

Ironically it reminds me of how I used to behave towards my late mother. It is sort of a deja vu,  only I am now the recipient when I used to be the lecturer. Every time I visited my mother when she fell sick, I would be upset to find out that she was not eating well. I also couldn't understand why she would not do light exercises despite having all the time in the world. I suspect she must have been equally unhappy about my admonitions. I was really all words but no actions ie. I wasn't present to monitor; so all I could do was ditched out advice probably to assuage my guilt for not being there for her.

I try to understand why old people refuse to listen to their children's advice. First of all it doesn't feel good to be treated as a child. Secondly it is as if we are to be blamed for our poor health which may not be entirely true. However when there is a tinge of truth in it, we feel embarrass and guilty. Also their concerns and warnings heighten our sense of vulnerability and fears about aging. 

                      ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"I stopped explaining myself when I realized people only understand from their level of perception"

"You'll never understand until it happens to you"

Right in Facts, Wrong in Dharma

 

When Ajahn Sumedho was a young American monk under the tutelage of Ajahn Chah he was  upset with one rude and unreasonable monk in the monastery whom many had found difficult to live with. He thought  the monk should be reproached by some senior monk. At one monastery meeting while Ajahn Chah was away, he raised his viewpoint in the monk's presence and his concern was noted. The monk left the monastery a few days later. When Ajahn Chah returned he called Ajahn Sumedho and told him:

"You are Right in facts   but Wrong in dharma"

Apparently Ajahn Chah is aware of the monk's behaviour but let him remained in the monastery because the monk had been kicked out of other monasteries and had no where else to practice. Though his behaviour was undesirable he remained good at heart. 

Ajahn Amaro (disciple of Ajahn Sumedho) who related this incident then explained that when we act we have to investigate the underlying attitude and intention of our action. We should also adopt a compassionate attitude.

I find Ajahn Chah's remark very useful as a guide to address our resentment of people whom we dislike. It may be perfectly true that a person may be difficult or a challenge to engage with but we should also investigate the reason why we are so put off. Does the person infringe our personal rights to space, to quiet, to time or to material objects (all which we may be overly attached)? Could we even be projecting resentment onto the person of some flaws within ourselves which we repress, refuse to acknowledge and hate? Could we be also be attached to a view which we uphold tightly which proudly show cases our identity? Or perhaps we are just loading a lot of unrealistic expectations on someone.

Hence to be right in dharma we have to be aware of the reality within us and at large. 

"Buddha also said that the Dharma, like a bird, needs two wings to fly, and that the wing that balances Wisdom is Compassion."- Sylvia Boorstein

Rise above the fear

 

Many situations that occurred in recent times seem to be like a reckoning of some sort. When leaders try to avoid something by immoral/dishonourable or unwise means the unexpected consequences seem to  land them in the very dire situation which they fear most.

Putin fears Nato expansion and invades Ukraine but now ends up having to contend with Finland and Sweden moving closer to join NATO as well. 

Xi Jing Ping fears Covid 19 and adopts a Zero Covid policy (which he deems superior to the strategies undertaken by US and and the West) to ensure a third term as party leader. However the regular and strict lockdowns now stoke public anger as the economy is hit. Warning and actions against protestors and  those questioning the Zero Covid policy may stir further public discontent and challenge his quest for life time leadership. 

Perhaps it is in the stars.  Jerome Powell refrained from hiking interest rates last year to avoid recessionary pressures; quoting the lack of evidence on actual inflation. This year with the Ukraine War and supply chain crisis exacerbated by the war and China's lockdown, he is forced to hike interest rates and now faces the real possibility of a recession or a stagflation.

"You can't solve a problem on the same level it was created. You have to rise above it to the next level,"-Albert Einstein

Year of the Tiger

 

On 1 Jan 2022 Sakurai Reiko, NHK World Special Affairs Commentator wrote an article on what to expect in the year of the Tiger. In retrospect though he is not an astrologer he seemed to have made quite apt statements. Describing the tiger as an animal of courage and strength he remarked "policymakers and market players will be hoping it's an omen that the global economy can shake off the effects of the pandemic and roar back to life. In reality, there are other beasts to be tamed first."

Using the abbreviation of the TIGER, he listed these 'other beasts' as:

T- transition between US and China

I- Inflation

G- Global warming

E- Energy cost

R-Balancing Resilience and Recovery from the pandemic

Though he might not have correctly pin pointed the specific beasts, they certainly have turned out to be more beastly and even harder to tame.

The T that needs to be tackled between US/Europe and Russia  (which replaces China for the time being) seems to be unresolvable. Thousands have died and millions displaced.

The magnitude of the I exacerbated by the supply and price shock is felt worldwide and is especially debilitating for vulnerable countries like Sri Lanka and Bangladesh. Efforts to lift millions out of poverty over the decades is crushed.

G which he describes as global warming is as crucial as ever. Delhi recorded the hottest March in 122 years with temperature hitting 43 degree. More of the homeless are expected to die from the heat wave.

E Energy costs has spiraled out of control and a full blown energy war may be looming which will cause severe hardship round the world.

The R which he describes as a balancing act for policymakers between resilience and (economic) recovery certainly is one beast China and HK is treading dangerously. 

Through it all I am reminded of the concept of the "butterfly effect" which suggests that the flap of a butterfly's wings may cause a tornado. What more the acts of maniac rogue politicians. 

Would Sakurai's G include a global food crisis and unrest? Food insecurity has exacerbated from the Ukraine Russian war and will be a dire problem for millions of poverty stricken people in poor developing countries. It is a tragedy in the making in this truly interconnected world. 

 A small act of kindness is known to cast a huge rippling effect. Conversely, an act of aggression such as the Ukraine invasion will have a massive rippling effect affecting millions in the globe. 

As the saying goes "A wounded tiger is a dangerous beast". Perhaps this Tiger year is that of a wounded tiger, an omen of a wounded world.

Not by Bread or Breath Alone

 

I was reading a translated version of The Upanishads and came across a passage which reads:

"Man does not live by breath alone, but by him in whom is the power of breath"

I thought it sounds close to the Bible verse: "Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God."

Without research into the real meaning of each I feel both point to the need to be aware of something beyond the worldly and physical aspects of our life.

I also feel that all religions try to direct us to transcend the conventional reality of the worldly life. Each religion has its own interpretation of the ultimate truth. 

However I also think that our limited human mind will never comprehend what lies beyond. Much like an ant which does not realise there is a world beyond its own, so too humans do not have the capacity to provide answers to what is the ultimate truth. At most there are only speculations which turn to beliefs to sustain the human spirit and the need for an existential answer.

Nevertheless one should not despair not knowing the Truth. It suffices to know that there is something beyond that connects with each breath we take.

The tough job of fact finding

 

Singapore's sanction against Russia over its invasion of Ukraine has drawn some criticism among anti-West elements in the country. This is exacerbated when US claimed that Russia has turned to China for military equipment to which China declared it is "not a party" to the war. Many pro China elements naturally have anti West sentiments and view this as western propaganda. In a survey in 2021 it was found that about 64% of Singaporeans view China favourably in general. 

Many anti West people think that the US and NATO's increasing military presence in Eastern Europe and their supply of weapons to Ukraine to fight Russia are the real accomplice of the war. Though it is not verified many also believe some media news that biological weapons are being produced in labs in Ukraine with US support. Apparently the Kremlin has embarked on a misinformation campaign using Twitter to justify Russia's invasion. These find easy targets at anti West segments of society in the world.

On the other hand pro West netizens viewing Western media coverage of the horrors of Russia killing civilians and children in Ukraine; and Western countries planning to charge Russia for war crime and genocide find it hard to believe that there are fellow netizens who can approve of such a brutal 'unprovoked invasion'.

At the end of the day it boils down to where one gets information from. There is tendency for people to search or fall for information that aligns with their pre existing views. I cannot believe it when I read that many Singaporeans rely mainly on Telegram App for information.

However with so much fake news and misinformation campaign proliferating, how does one navigate. Does one have to fact check everything one reads? For example many fact checking sites on the Ukraine crisis have sprung up recently. 

Though I am not pro West I do rely a lot on Western and local media for news in general. However having read some justification of the Russian invasion from quite prominent people, I began to wonder whether Western media can be really trusted to present an objective view.

Gosh so much effort is needed just to get a right perspective into anything. I think of 50 years ago when I was in secondary school. To do research on any serious subject I had to go to the National Library Reference section for books and journals/newspapers which could only be read on location. 

The sheer joy of a day's findings and an ice kachang as a reward thereafter. Today if I am serious about finding some true facts about anything, I have to put in a lot more effort navigating through various media, links and websites and then decipher what is fact and what is misinformation. On top of that I have to be aware of my own personal bias. Often I walk away more confused than ever thereby reinforcing my feeling that the World is becoming more and more confusing to me.

Is this an age thing?  Hmmm....I don't know

Conversation with Myself

 

Of late I notice I am becoming a tat too grumpy and grouchy. I seem easily discontented and find easy targets at my husband's 'eccentricities' which have been normal for him anyway. So now I find I have lower thresholds for tolerating his hoarding habits, his frugal ways and his over chattiness. On self reflection I think I am the one who has changed. Am I growing into a grumpy old woman?

Applying mindfulness to my inner feelings, I detect a hidden sense of sadness or maybe anger or something though I can't think of any obvious reasons to feel this way. I think about the commonly perceived image of seniors being grouchy and picky. I have a feeling deep down they too may have some inner angst. Of course chronic illnesses/ pain and loneliness contribute to unhappiness but there may be something deeper and less recognisable.

I think it could arise from the frustration of not fully understanding our human life. 

Researching into this I find a possible explanation from an article "Existential Questions of the Elderly-Alfried Längle and Christian Probst" :

"... if it (life) is seen as something pragmatical - functional, then it slowly loses its last value in old age, it becomes senseless and finally turns into an absurd torture. But this extreme situation can also open man's mind to discover a deeper layer. In old age, man might discover bit by bit that the search for one's own personal attitude to life and the reaching of a comprehensive understanding of human life which includes coming to terms with religion could be the ultimate meaning of life"

"It is all about the question one might never have found the time to ask oneself: "How well can I be with myself? Can I maintain a good conversation with myself?" 

The above offer good leads into further self introspection.

Useful reading! 

https://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=10.1.1.541.5555&rep=rep1&type=pdf#:~:text=You%20can%20ask%20yourself%3A%20%22How,existential%20meaning%20of%20advancing%20age.

Reflection on "Unorthodox"

 

Just finished watching a Netflix mini series "Unorthodox". I discovered quite a few things after doing a bit more research. The story takes place in the Hasidic Community (an ultra orthodox Jewish community) in Williamsburg New York. The story centres around a young lady, Esty, who breaks away from the rigid traditions and restrictive roles imposed by her community and moves to Berlin.

Initially, after the first episode I had the wrong impression that this community was representative of the way most Jews live. Only upon reading up further and after more research did I understand that this community is really quite a unique closed up Jewish orthodox community of its own. I should have known because when studying in NY my daughter had Jewish classmates who certainly didn't live in the same manner as that portrayed in the show.

The show skillfully sheds some insight on the perceptions and beliefs that shape the behaviour of the community.  For example the reason behind the focus on woman's procreation role is a remark made that six million Jew were killed in the holocaust and every new born baby is precious to fill the loss. 

In a scene in Berlin when Esty witnesses what may look like promiscuity where couples of all orientations engage in a trance like dance to heavy music and flickering disco lights, an audience may momentarily wonder whether the so called "oppressive" traditions of the Hasidic community is in fact not a better alternative to the debauchery ways in many other societies.

I think the ending is appropriate. In the hope of winning her back Esty's Jewish husband cut off his 2 front curly fringes as a mark of defiance to the community rules. Esty tries to stop him but at the same time is moved. However she still decides to break away and stays on in Berlin.  

My takeaway is how fundamentally important it is for one to know one's worldview of life. To Esty it is the freedom to live out one's inherent potential and deemed purpose. At the same time she realises her husband would not be able to live outside his community which has shaped his upbringing and to which his future depends on and in which his life best fits in. Even after achieving what her community expects of her (having discovered she is pregnant), it would just be a matter of time when Esty will finally leave Williamsburg to seek out her true self.

Just a Car

 One of the media we use to counsel kids is a pack of cards called "Car-R-Us". The pack contains pictures of cars in different conditions and expressing different feelings. So for instance there is a frightened car  hanging over a cliff, a picnic van under sunny skies and a broken down car being towed. The cards serve as conversation pieces for expressing feelings and for goal searching. Another card depicts the four wheels of a car representing the body, the mind, the feelings and the doing. We use it to help clients understand how these 4 parts of ourselves are inter related. We help the client identify their feelings and the impact on the body or vice versa. We ask them to be aware of what they are thinking and how it leads to certain actions and their consequences. We also try to coach the client take control as driver of the car. 

I have always understood the theory but as I grow older I become more aware of the relevance and insight into the allegory of this concept. I fathom the need to drive the car and not let it run wild.

We spend a whole life time to protect and keep the body 'wheel' in good condition. We consciously need to avoid bad habits and promote healthy living. That's a lot of discipline. When the body is out of whack we feel anxious and miserable. Similarly feelings like stress cause the body to tense up resulting in body pain and susceptibility to illnesses.

Feelings (in the feeling wheel) creep onto us stealthily sometimes triggered by thoughts (memories, worries, regrets for example). 

Research has also shown that behaviour or actions (in the action wheel) can create emotions. For example inactivity can cause depression. Hence we often teach children to identify what they enjoy doing and pursue such activity when they feel sad.

Finally the 'thinking wheel' in my opinion is the most challenging 'wheel' to control. Memories and conditioning of the past, thoughts of the future, fears and worries, a comparing mind, a mind full of unmet needs, a mind of  regrets when spun incessantly arouse a host of negative feelings. On the contrary training the mind to take pauses and be quiet bring our body back to equilibrium. 

Sometimes I feel like these four 'wheels' of ourselves are really quite a nuisance, having to monitor and direct at all times. This is especially so when unfavourable external circumstances arise. Like when a nasty fog descends onto the narrow roads you are driving on, you have to exercise extra care and patience. 

Perhaps the biggest insight is really to recognise that the car and its 4 'wheels' (our 4 faculties) is an external object and we are here just to drive it as carefully as we can and as best as we can manage. We need not be too attached because its just a car.

The Way It Is

 

The capacity to be at ease in any situation is one of the best skills to acquire. Aversion to unpleasant experiences drives one to seek out pleasant experiences. Obsessive craving for pleasant experiences may even lead one to reject neutral and mundane experiences, calling it boredom.

This idea which I gathered from a talk is very interesting.

Most addiction to sensual pleasure is a way to drown unpleasant experiences. This is common knowledge. However constant seeking of pleasant experiences may become an obsession such that even when the situation is normal, routine and ordinary, one finds it a boredom and often unbearable.

During this period we are inundated with bad news arising from the Covid pandemic, siege of Ukraine and consequences of climate change. It is not unusual to walk away feeling sad or anxious about the future. Our mind then seek out ways to get pleasant feelings. This may explain why people are breaching Covid restrictions to have fun and merry making. This also explains the urge to jump onto the first flight to fight boredom.

One must learn to accept all conditions happening to and around oneself. One should be aware of one's feelings; and move from personalising these feelings ie. the need to get rid of 'MY SADNESS or ANXIETY' to seeing it as part of the natural world and the conditions in the world as part of reality.

Ajahn Sumedho- "The world is this way and things happen....This is the way of life, this is human existence. So in our minds we embrace the whole of it..."

According to Buddha life is ten thousand joys and ten thousand sorrows.

Thich Nhat Hanh used the metaphor of a rose to describe life. A rose brings you joy but you have to understand the thorns so that you can pick the rose....."Don't say that because there are thorns you cannot be happy. Don't say that because there is still anger or sadness in your heart, you cannot enjoy anything at all"

Practicing this approach to adapt to all situations in life will help liberate our fears and liberate our bondage to our sense realm.

Our Limited Brains

 There are some metaphysical questions Buddha refused to answer; whether there is a self is one of them.

"The Buddha states that it is unwise to be attached to both views of having and perceiving a self and views about not having a self. Any view which sees the self as "permanent, stable, everlasting, unchanging, remaining the same for ever and ever" is "becoming enmeshed in views, a jungle of views, a wilderness of views; scuffling in views, the agitation (struggle) of views, the fetter of views."^[Douglas W. Shrader

To the Buddha these questions provoke clinging and attachment and are traps of dualistic thinking. As his teachings are all about suffering and non attachment as an end to sufferings, the views about 'self' and 'non self' incite attachment and are best not to indulge. 

I touch the tree in my garden every morning to connect with the positive energy of nature. This morning an ant crawled onto my palm and gave me a little bite. Instinctively I blew it off onto the ground. I know the ant will find its way back to its intended destination. 

I began to reflect the world of ants or for that matter other animals like my pet cat. Animals, I am sure can think, albeit in a limited way relative to humans. Like other animal species, humans in all probability also perceive things in a limited way. So much truths have yet to be uncovered scientifically. Just like it takes centuries for humans to discover that the earth is round and not flat, there must be so much that is unknown to us. Similarly, just like my cat's brains are not meant to fathom the 'reality' that humans live in; so too the limited capacity of a human brain may not allow them to understand larger truths.

In the end each specie just tries to live well. For us humans, we will do well not being attached to the concept of self.

Directions to finding meaning in life

 Continuing my take aways from the gem of the book "Yes to Life in spite of Everything:

Directions to finding meaning in life:

• By acting (doing something), by creating
• By experiencing something-nature, art
• By Loving people and being loved

Even if the above are not possible, human beings are able to find meaning "when they take a stance toward the unalterable, fated, inevitable and unavoidable limitation of their possibilities" ie. "how they adapt to this limitation, react towards it, how they accept this fate".

The first point or direction as Frankl terms it reminds me of the Japanese term "Ikigai" literally translated as 'the reason you wake up in the morning'. No matter the type of work, the passion and mission lies in doing it well. It is even better if one is able to create a piece of work, it usually brings joy. 

The second point is quite easy to relate to. Most people would have experienced being immersed in nature, music or art which momentarily transcends oneself, catching glimpses of some bigger scheme behind one's existence.

About the third direction, Frankl explained that the purpose of existence even for an invalid is valuable. It lies in the love he has for others as well as giving an opportunity for people around him to love and care for him. I think it is like drawing out the best in other human beings.

Finally if fate has it that all the above directions are limited, Fankl believed that the stance one takes to accepting the inevitable is a purpose in itself. This is his famous quote "Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way".

Valuable Gem about meaning of life

 

Viktor Frankl, the psychiatrist who survived the Nazi labour camp said in one of his lectures:

"..now, the present, is everything; as it holds the eternally new question of life for us....As to what awaits us in the future, we don't need to know that, any more than we are able to know." 

He then shared a true story about a black man who was sentenced to life imprisonment and was being deported to Devil's Island. At sea, a fire broke out on the ship and he saved ten lives. He was subsequently pardoned. 

Frankl then said that if anyone were to ask the prisoner before he embarked on the journey whether there was any meaning in life for him, he would have shook his head.

According to Frankl asking the meaning of life has to be in the context of the here and now. He used the allegory of a reporter pointlessly asking a world chess master prior to the game what will be the best chess move. What Frankl was alluding to is one has to act according to what the moment demands, " a deed that we complete, or a work that we create ".

Once a young man challenged Frankl saying it was easy for Frankl to find meaning or purpose in work. The young man lamented that his work as an assistant tailor had no purpose or impact. Using this encounter , Frankl explained that meaning is not about what profession a person holds or where someone is in life. It is about " how he occupies his circle in life and fills his place...Whether a life is fulfilled does not depend on how great one's radius of action is, but rather only on whether the circle is fully filled out".

Frankl thinks that happiness can not be pursued, Rather it is an outcome that arises spontaneously when one pursues his duty in life.

( I am halfway through the book "Yes to Life in Spite of Everything" ). It's a Gem.

Learning to feel well again

 

There is a quote which goes like this: "One remains imprisoned by one's upbringing"

To me this statement holds truth to some extent but feel it is too conclusive. 

In a study it is found that childhood emotional health  is the strongest predictor of adult life satisfaction.  Adverse childhood experiences (ACE) affect mental and physical health well into adulthood. This is especially true when the adverse events are chronic and repeated.  The lasting impact of the traumatic childhood experiences follow the person like an albatross around his neck. 

When I attended a holistic counselling course, one of the modules taught us to connect with our inner child. First we listen attentively to the emotions of the inner child, acknowledging and accepting them. This can be through recalling childhood memories or journaling as a child. Then we imagine the adult self comforting and making the child within feel safe. We remind the inner child that the adult-self has grown up overcoming the challenges and has become stronger. The fears of childhood have passed. We can also remind the inner child that like all things, feelings are impermanent.

Maybe we can share with the inner child that great leaders have overcome such challengers.

"Remember in the depth and even the agony of despondency, that very shortly you are to feel well again" - Abraham Lincoln who suffered bouts of depression.

"My black dog seems quite away from me now-it is such a relief. All the colours come back into the picture"- Winston Churchill who spoke openly about his depression and who engaged in writing and painting to overcome it.

Yes one can learn to escape imprisonment and to feel well again.

Thank you Venerable

 

To celebrate Thich Nhat Hanh's life and to remember him by; these are his quotes I like or still pondering over:

• It is normal for human being to identify with their own separate self. The problem is that we get caught in that notion of ourself as a separate individual and caught in that individual self's agenda.
• True self is non-self, the awareness that the self is made only of non-self elements. There's no separation between self and other, and everything is interconnected. Once you are aware of that you are no longer caught in the idea that you are a separate entity.
• If you can feel that Mother Earth is in you, and you are Mother Earth, then you are not any longer afraid to die because the earth is not dying. Like a wave appears and disappears and appears again.
• Usually, people have a tendency to be caught in the worries concerning the future or in the regret concerning the past. There is some kind of energy that is pushing them to run, and they are not able to establish themselves in the present moment.
• Only the present moment contains life.
• Most of us experience a life full of wonderful moments and difficult moments. But for many of us, even when we are most joyful, there is fear behind our joy.
• The seed of suffering in you may be strong, but don't wait until you have no more suffering before allowing yourself to be happy.
• To think in terms of either pessimism or optimism oversimplifies the truth. The problem is to see reality as it is.

Breathing in, I calm body and mind. Breathing out, I smile. Dwelling in the present moment I know this is the only moment.

Thank you Venerable. I shall try to understand your words and live by them.

Do not "Languish"

 

Due to the Covid pandemic, the government limits household visits to 5 visitors per house per day. It also advises people to refrain from visiting more than one household per day during the coming Chinese New Year holidays. 

My husband is one of 4 sons living in Singapore. It has been customary for the sons and their family to gather at my mother in law's house on the first day of CNY for lunch. Last CNY due to visiting restrictions only the sons and their wives visited leaving out the children and grandchildren. Sad to say the restrictions has increased this year such that only the sons can gather around her at the same time. My mother in law is well into her eighties and every year of enjoying the festivities surrounded by her children, grandchildren and great grand children is dear to her. 

 A survey conducted by SMU last year found that the number of elderly residents who reported being satisfied with life dropped when the Covid situation worsened. I think the loss in the well being of the elderly amplifies as the pandemic continues simply because every year is precious in their remaining years. 

Even for baby boomers like me, every year of good health that allows for overseas travels and adventure counts. Thus every year of travel restriction is a significant loss as illness, cognitive decline and loss of body functionality can strike any time. Reflecting on this however does incentivize me to keep fit. On the other hand there is an overhanging "languishing" mood as Adam Grant psychologist and professor at Wharton School Penn U describes it. It is a numb feeling of going through life without much excitement or enjoyment.  It exacerbates with news of new variants and further restrictions dousing hopes of a return to normalcy.

However, we can learn from the younger generation. In line with the youngster's fashionable YOLO (You only live once ) mentality, the  urgency to fulfil dreams and wishes becomes more compelling. I guess to avoid ourselves being trapped in 'languish' we have to think of activities which make us come more alive, be it playing mahjong, gardening, sewing, hiking or any hobbies that we love. We then have to be proactive or disciplined in pursuing it. 

This is called self care to ensure we stay fit mentally and physically. Yes, we must tone both body and mind muscles to be ready for the excitement and adventure when the end of Covid finally arrives. 

The Tree

 

A wellness class teacher advised that hugging a tree can generate positive energy. Since I have a 20 year old mango tree in my garden, I follow the teacher's advice and place my palms on the tree trunk for 7 minutes each morning. I also do that barefooted.

As it can be quite boring doing that I set my gaze on different parts of the garden simultaneously, surveying the plants. Of late I decided to scrutinise the bark of the trunk and the canopy of leaves above. Usually there will be small ants crawling on the trunk and I have to shift my palms to avoid them. Moss lightly covers some parts of the trunk. A small orchid plant which we have implanted winds its roots round a thick branch and reaches down onto the tree's "chest". On a wet day the roots take a greenish hue with the tip of one such root turning maroon red. It looks like a heart artery. 

As time goes by I began to smell a natural freshness that seems to emit from the tree. Being in close contact noticing the furrows and cracks of the rough trunk I begin to feel its strength. Once I felt the slow throbbing pulse of my palm and I was a little afraid. I diverted my mind away from  stories  about tree spirits. Nevertheless the tree does exude a reassuring aura of stability and strength. In the beginning I would quickly shake off any ants that crawl onto my palms. After awhile I realise it was me who got into their way and not the other way round. Now I try to ignore the tiny bite and let the ant finds its way back to the trunk which it sure does.

I am learning from the tree. It supports multitudes of living things in various ways. 

That, is its dharma.