Abolish Childhood Regrets

 

At one of the 3 sessions of a workshop for children from divorced families we have to impart the following truths:

• they didn't cause their parents' divorce
• that they are still part of a family and
• no matter what they do they can't bring their parents together again

While the first point can be made convincing, the second needs plenty of assurance whilst the third is difficult for them to accept. One child remarked "that was a cruel thing to say".

So the kids watch video, engage in activities & writing exercises to remember these points. We do not know how much is retained after the 2 hour session, especially if they don't really believe them.

So at the subsequent 2 sessions we psycho educate them on thinking positive and finding resources and alternatives to cope and manage their worries and feelings. 

In a ST article "Childhood regrets- mother of reinvention" dated 15 Jul 2021, Prof Chong Siow Ann of IMH mentioned that childhood experiences "exert a powerful and lasting influence in shaping the adults we become". He alluded that a lot of the aching discontent, anger, anxiety in adulthood have their roots in childhood. Helping his adult patients gain insight into the source of their negative feelings is insufficient. In his opinion his patients must have the resolve and commitment to change.

At our children's workshop we flip the feeling cards a lot. The most common feeling cards picked by the kids are 'sad', 'angry', 'scared', 'worried' & 'confused'. It is almost certain that these children will grow up to harbour childhood regrets about missing out from a harmonious or imagined "happy" family. Perhaps they will grow up with a constant feeling of lacking something, much like how Prof Chong describes his adult patients: "In the diversity of the manifestations of their various problems, there was this common theme of yearning, unrealised and unfilled yearning".

In helping the children at our workshop cope with their parents' divorce, we hope to help them shed their misbelief and manage their negative feelings before these become part of a habitual energy that plague their life even into adulthood. 

To tell the children that no matter how hard they try they can not bring their parents together again is 'cruel' as remarked by one child participant of the workshop. However it is better for these children to face the reality and to abolish any lingering regrets forever. 

Prof Chong cited a quote from Diana Athill, distinguished editor and memoirist:

"Regrets are useless, so forget them"