The Unexamined Life

 

With reduced activities & engagements during this Covid pandemic I have much time for fruitless (or maybe not so fruitless) contemplation.

I ponder over Socrates statement : The unexamined life is not worth living.

Does this statement hold any truth?

First and foremost what constitutes 'A life worth living' ?

Is the life of a hypothetically fortunate person (with most of his desires met) who is constantly contented considered worth living even if he hardly contemplates about the purpose of his life and what lies beyond? Can attaining happiness by personal standards constitute a worthy life?

On the other hand, unlike other animal species, we are endowed with a brain that is capable of pursuing deeper meaning and purpose in our existence.

Without sounding like a snob, occasionally I look condescendingly at people  when they get excited over small mundane stuff as if life is all about maximising our sense pleasures. I also tend to have higher regards for people who achieve some form of self actualization in Maslow's hierarchy of needs. However if a person leads a happy routine life with all the basic physiological needs met and surrounded by loved ones, does their life not stand out clearly as a very worthy life even if they have never ever ponder about the meaning of their existence or wonder about whether there is a soul after life.

So my mind goes back and forth, back and forth. 

There is no answer. For now, I contend that we are unique individuals, born with different traits, constitution and conditioning. Some are born with an introspective nature and are more inclined to think metaphysically while others are born to 'just carry on living' 活着.

While over-examination and overthink may not be fruitful, I do feel some degree of self awareness and recognising one's connectedness with the world at large will serve as a good compass in living.

Equanimity is not insensitivity

 

Equanimity is not insensitivity. Learning to be equanimous does not mean practicing to be aloof and indifferent. Our sensitivity arises because we care about ourselves and others. Equanimity is when we are constantly aware of our sensitivity, watching our emotions rise and wane and accepting them as being human. The pali word for equanimity is Upekkha which means "to look over" ie. being able to see with calm. Constant practice of such observation evokes a sense of peace.

This is the gist of a talk I heard over podcast.

Yet it is not an easy trait to acquire. I think it needs one to be centred. It helps when one takes a step back and allows some space to view the situation, more commonly referred as seeing the bigger picture. This also involves trying to understand. Recognising that many conditioning factors give rise to a person's behaviour help us to become more empathetic and less reactive towards people who 'wrong' or hurt us. Recognising our initial emotional response originates from years of conditioning and inborn constitution also cuts ourselves some slack. At the bottom of it all recognise that everyone is trying to be a bit happier. 

Often the most difficult obstacle to being equanimous is when someone you love is struggling or hurting. To continue feeling helpless, sad or angry is difficult and the desire to get rid of the pain is instant. However this impulsive need for oneself to feel better may result in an inappropriate response for example giving not well thought out advice or lashing out. This is because we resist the reality of the situation. We can not accept and say it should not be this way. As someone suggests maybe it is more helpful by saying to yourself "This is difficult and this is how it is right now".

Needless to say it requires loads of practice. One must diligently find the inner space which remains centered amid a storm. Regular meditation which provides glimpses of calm and peace builds one's confidence that equanimity is achievable. Visualisation and metaphors also help. Once when I visited the Forbidden City, a guide pointed out a tree which is more than half a century old. I remember thinking to myself how many lifetimes of suffering the tree must have witnessed of emperors, empresses, concubines, eunuchs, maids, servants etc; yet there it stands stoic and calm watching waves of history rise and fall. This is viewing things from a bigger time dimension.

Another big picture metaphor is viewing earth from outer space. Imagine an astronaut viewing earth as a globe, experiencing the quiet stillness, then zooming in to the continent, the country, the town, the spot you are at, a tiny miniscule speck in the vastness. It may help one transcends beyond one's self absorption. 

This covid pandemic gives us much opportunity to turn inward. Now that we can not travel and with external indulgences curtailed, we should spend time practicing to find the inner space within us. Hopefully we can then watch our vulnerability with more quiet.

And then the Real World

 

My previous blog was about paradigm shift in standard ways of living, the metaverse world as well as the lofty aim to transcend attachment, a bit like the mind darting everywhere.

My encounter with 2 children yesterday brings me back to thinking of the real world, the pain. I conducted a workshop session for children caught in between parents' divorce. A pair of brothers aged 8 and 6 in particular leave a lingering impression. The stark lack of childhood joy, zombie like sullen despair and the complete absence of childish fun or playfulness in the elder boy disturbs me. He is so young and yet  so lifeless. The younger boy is clearly not able to focus with very short attention span. Their parents divorce is extremely acrimonious fighting for their custody and the boys have not seen their father for months. It is quite frightening when both boys vouched repeatedly that they hate him. I can not imagine that at such a young age their minds are conditioned to hate a very significant person  who is supposed to provide support and love in their life. 

At yesterday's session the children were taught to recognize their feelings and learn strategies to cope with difficult feelings. They were also taught to disentangle themselves from their parents' conflict and that their job is just to do kid things. 

We do a survey after a 3 session workshop . It is ridiculous to expect in 6 hours kids will be able to adopt or master the coping strategies learnt. So it is not surprising for them to tick the "disagree" answer to questionnaire sentences like "I know I need not be caught in the middle between my parents" and "I feel less stressed about my parents' divorce".

It really strikes me that what these children need is some semblance of joy in their life, some degree of hope that better things will come, some restoration of spirited carefree childhood moments. 

It sets me thinking again about what I can do for them. Maybe I need to be more proactive in this very Real World.

Impact of media influence

 

Talk about being influenced by media. Even a baby boomer like me can be subject to mass media influence. Presently a few sources have kind of shaken my silo thinking. 

I am half way through reading the book 'Nomadland'. It gives you a glimpse of an increasingly large group of people in US who live a huge part of the year in a RV (recreational vehicle) or caravan, moving from place to place to work at seasonal jobs. Though often exploited by employers offering low wages and back breaking work, many of these 'workampers' love the freedom from being enslaved in a lifetime of paying rental or mortgage for a permanent home. This is so counter intuitive to the Asian mentality of owning a home at all cost.

At the same time I am watching the popular Netflix serial 'Squid Game'. The story is a portray of social inequality where people who live on the edge of poverty are prepared to risk their life playing a game which may promise them a fortune and a way out of their financial distress. To them living in another world which offers them a glimpse of hope is better than the harsh hopeless realities of the real world. 

Then there is so much literature about 'Metaverse', the game changing approach to living where you can engage in virtual experiences as good as the real world. I recall Cyber the character in the film Matrix who prefers the more comfortable virtual world to a miserable real world, "I know this steak doesn't exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth, the Matrix is telling my brain that its juicy and delicious. After nine years, you know what I realise? Ignorance is bliss." Another quote from Matrix when Morpheus asked "Have you ever had a dream Neo, that you were so sure was real?". 

I wouldn't say all the above confuse me. They however shake me up to explore new paradigm in thinking and exploring new approaches in living. I remember once, waking up from a very pleasant dream and thinking to myself I don't mind living in a dream if it is this good and so what if it is not real. On the other hand Buddhist teachings encourage one to be awakened or be aware and to live beyond the preconceived notion of needs (determined by our societal matrix) which causes suffering when unmet.

Hence our mind darts between longing to live in a dream that fulfills our sense pleasures and one which wants to transcend these attachment and be aware of the mind knowing how a trained mind will change our world. I guess that is the process a human has to go through.

Beyond 'Me'

 

If a man gets whatever he wants and every thing falls in place for him, will he be happy all the time? 

I google 'life is smooth sailing' to see whether anyone shares the feeling or experience of having an easy life. I only found one person who deems his life as smooth sailing amongst multitude postings of 'my life is never smooth sailing' or 'why is my life always a struggle'.

The young man who thinks he is quite blessed with supportive parents, financially secured background, good education and a good job, did also share about how he managed to overcome some challenges growing up as a person with high functioning autistic spectrum. He reckoned that his relatively smooth sailing life may not have trained him for tough challenges ahead. This young man comes across as a very positive and humble individual. Most important, as pointed out in many readers' comments, he is a person who is fully aware of himself and the circumstances around him and should well manage difficulties along the way.

'What's in the way is the way' as per the saying of one wise teacher.

One day I was meditating. Images,  memories, thoughts, plans, feelings jump in and out of my mind in fast succession. I watch them come and go as advised by teachers. In some brief moments I realise I have no control over all these mind flashes. Why? They are the make up of all that my senses and consciousness have encountered and accumulated, including that of the subconscious. I feel that much of me is beyond me. In a brief moment I loosen the grip of the ego Me.

'In the Way' does not only mean obstacles. They are all the stuff that come along the way, much are unexpected while much are also the product of causality.

Awareness will help to provide a clearer perspective of the way.

Time to live by what we are named

 What is a river? It is a name we give to a flow of water. It is in a continuously changing state, not even a fraction of a second the same or stagnant enough to be called an absolute object. In addition a river flows only because it is part of a natural terrain and we view a river in the totality of the water-flow together with its surroundings including the rocks/pebbles, the vegetation, the mist, the living and non living things in it ie. the entire landscape which we notice or not notice. Every tiny element of it is ever changing and yet every time we recall any river we have visited, we think of it as the same river we have last seen. 

A Buddhist teacher used the river as an analogy of 'self'. 

Reflecting on it I now think this may be what Einstein meant when he said:

"A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness".

If we adopt a paradigm shift departing from a separate 'self' approach and adopting more of a "being" approach, we may experience ourselves more as a 'flow'.

Mindfulness is one way to train our mind to be present with the flow. Meditation helps. When we focus on something say our breath, we are training our mind to be present. When feelings and thoughts arise we watch them come and go before calling our mind back to the focused point. We recognise our chattering mind, the feelings resulting from thoughts and vice versa. In some rare split-second moments we may understand the 'delusion' that Einstein and Buddha refer to. 

Apart from meditation there are also other ways to experience being in the flow eg. being absorbed in an activity such that you totally forget about yourself and are immersed in 'being'. 

Perhaps we should start living by what we are named, Human Being.

Walking does it

 

Well when you are stuck at home and travelling overseas is still a risk and a great hassle you have to look within your own country. Of course it is worse when you are living in an island state like Singapore with no hinterland; which is the reason why every holiday season will see a mass exodus out of the country. 

The recent weeks, with my husband being newly retired, we discovered a few nature walks which are quite refreshing. I didn't know Singapore still has many forested trails in addition to the coastal broad-walks, river and reservoir parks as well as botanical gardens. In the past I balked at the monotony of our manicured gardens, the blazing heat and the brow beating humidity which discourage one to venture outdoor. Thus walking has never been part of my exercise regime. Instead I attend air-cond fitness classes or swim in the late afternoons. The only outdoor exercise is my weekly Sunday 8-am taichi class when I have to pull myself out of bed so I wouldn't miss too much of it. 

With the suspension of fitness classes and quotas placed on the club's swimming pool I forced myself to walk, with a target of minimum 5000 steps per day. First I discovered much much more about my neighbourhood including small parks, a charming Japanese cemetery niched inside a residential estate, a broad canal/river just half an hour walk from home and quaint houses a few streets away. Of course I am still fussy over the weather choosing only cloudy days or timing walks after the rain.

Then I began to venture further from home taking a bus or train to forested places where I can do my nature walk even when it is sunny and hot. Where once I would never think of walking anywhere further than one bus stop , I now find walking no longer a chore and really quite pleasant especially when you are with nature. I have learnt to breach my 'comfort zone' and discovered lots of interesting places and gained new experiences. When walking alone I find myself more engaged with the world. The endorphins generated makes me comfortable after the walk and both body and soul feel restored.

“Above all, do not lose your desire to walk: every day I walk myself into a state of well-being and walk away from every illness; I have walked myself into my best thoughts and I know of no thought so burdensome that one cannot walk away from it.” -- Soren Kierkegaard (philosopher)

Training the mind

 

" Nothing can give you more support than a trained mind. Nothing can do you more harm than an untrained mind. " This is a paraphrase of Buddha's words: "I know of no other single thing, which brings so much pain as the untaught and untrained mind. Such incompetent mind carry much suffering."

CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) is one amongst many psychological interventions that align with the above theory. CBT tries to help patients identify unhelpful ways of thinking and aim to change their thinking pattern.

Letting our mind consistently roam and ruminate over some dissatisfaction or imperfections in life causes unnecessary unhappiness. Many untrained minds will allow this thinking pattern to persist. When told to think more positively many of us will blame it on an inherent constitution which inhibit any attempt to cease ruminations.  

It is enlightening to know that we can train our mind. "Neurons that fire together wire together"- neuropsychologist Donald Hebb expounded that pathways in the brain are formed and reinforced through repetition. Buddha teaches that our minds incline to what we habitually think and feel. 

Hence we have to make an effort to break bad thinking habits and discipline our mind. Well this is certainly good advice for people like the character Antonio in Shakespear's Merchant of Venice whose famous lines are " I hold the world but as the world, a stage where every man must play a part, and mine a sad one....In sooth, I know not why I am so sad...". 

It's a bad habit Antonio, that's why. The good news is you can start firing new neurons!

Dreams and the possibility of past lives

 I am now following the exciting Netflix series Money Heist. Of late I have been having quite extraordinary dreams. It is quite queer that dreams seem to incorporate various impressions, thoughts, small experiences, feelings and mere associations during the day and then roll them into a story in our dreams. For example during the day my sister's suggestion to pay respect at my deceased mum's niche, my husband's attempt to allay my fears about travelling again and watching Money Heist before bedtime created a dream about me and my mum being in a fix at a travel destination.

Sometimes when you wake up momentarily you recall vividly the story and try to register in your memory; and if it is something interesting you kind of will yourself to sleep and carry on with it. Most times the story doesn't continue and when morning comes your memory provides no clue to the story you tried so hard to register.

Some Buddhist teachers have described past lives like dreams which we can never recall. 

A thought came to me relating to this. If a dream comprises of various elements as I have mentioned above, it could very well be that our present life is a melting pot of the multitude of energies experienced in previous lives (if you consider rebirth a possibility). Just like you can recall certain tracks of your dream because of the intensity, I believe events most impressionable during past lives or imprints create energies that prevail and is carried forward to the present life, hence the make up of our body constitution and character including some deep underlining inner feelings and instincts. 

In this respect one should try to create more positive energy in this life. To do this I guess we have to be constantly aware of how our thoughts, actions and feelings (which are inter-related) will create the energy field that surround us now and carry forward to be spent in other lives. Our present approach and view of life may likely also be the lens we wear in future lives.

Plant Craze

 

There used to be a few 'nurseries' (or more like plant wholesalers) near my home where I go to get potted plants and garden supplies. Recently they were all evicted as the huge plot of land is earmarked for housing development. One of the 'nurseries' rented a shop space that used to house a bank. When it opened its door I was awed because it was a far cry from the sprawling damp and dirt tracked shop it once was. Instead the decor of the new outfit was quite avant garde with arrangement of plants in stylish pots that provide creative ideas to decorate your garden and home. Needless to say the pricing has also gone upmarket although they also brought in many new varieties.

Today's BT features the rise of 'boutique plant retailers' with the introductory paragraph "The latest must have item for the home isn't iconic designer furniture, but potted plants....Instead of spending money on new bags and shoes, shopping for plants has become the latest fashion accessory". Haha I laughed to myself , for once I can be considered cool and in vogue because I have a whole garden of potted plants. However when I read on and learnt that someone paid $40,000 for a "rare and exotic Philodendron Spiritus Sancti" I realise they are talking about another customer league altogether. I always think people who buy bags costing thousands are nuts but a single plant costing tens of thousands is madness. What if the plant dies after a few days?

Curious I google to see how exotic the plant is.

  Oh my. This $42K?

OK maybe this is a much better version. 

Apparently a new plant craze is raging led by 'plantfluencers' showcasing their rare plant collections and millennial collectors forging 'emotional connections to their plants going as far as naming them'.

Doesn't this again tie in with the millennials' pursuit to be unique and extraordinary and to stand out. What a hype. 

As someone puts it "A gardener learns more in the mistakes than in the successes". How many thousands of dollars will these new breed of gardeners have to splurge? As for me nothing is more satisfying than propagating new plants from old and being surprised when with patient nurturing, a half withered plant springs back to life. That is the true emotional bond.

Face the 4 walls at home

 

The government keeps reminding seniors above 60 to stay home, avoid going out unless it is to purchase essentials. Today's Straits Times published comments made by some seniors who seem to ignore the advice. Most of the comments seem to highlight the stifling boredom and being unhappy  staying at home the whole day. Another prevalent feeling is finding it hard to pass time or as one man puts it "At least when I am outside, time passes more quickly".

Wishing for time to pass more quickly sounds rather sad to me. It gives the impression that time on earth is a drudgery to be rid off. The feeling that time passes too slowly probably stems from boredom, unhappiness, purposelessness and not being engaged with something pleasant or interesting.

It scares me a bit to think that we depend so much on external stimulus to make life worth living. As we grow older the final reckoning is when body frailty and incapacity confines us at home. How do we then find meaning and purpose to live on when (as described by these senior) we have to "face the 4 walls at home"?

The first strategy is of course to delay such a situation as long as possible by staying healthy and keeping fit. The way I see it, the next best step to is to begin looking inward, to connect with our inner self and learn about 'Being'. Perhaps you can call it solitary spiritual pursuit sans group participation or having your own quiet time with God, the supreme being or whatever that can or cannot be named. The whole idea is to reconnect with some universal energy and mimimise dependency on our senses which continuously need stimulation to make us feel alive. This second strategy is best carried out when you have to "face the 4 walls at home".

Being forced to pursue this is perhaps another disguised blessings from Covid.

Covid makes me feel old

 

Gosh never have I felt so vulnerable being a person above 60 years of age. 

Everyday the Ministry of Health releases figures on number of new Covid cases , number of patients hospitalised requiring oxygen support and number of patients in ICU. It then went on to specifically mention the number of such patients who are above 60 hence highlighting that the "seriously ill" are mainly such elderly people. Just awhile ago the government again "strongly urged" people above 60 and those living with them to stay home for the next 4 weeks.

Suddenly it sounds as if 60 is the border once crossed signifies feebleness, frailty and vulnerability. It sounds as if the world outside your home is infested with virus and you are as defenceless as a lamb in a lion's den. Wasn't it not long ago when we boomers were leading a life full of zest, travelling to far off places, signing up for all kinds of classes, catching up with the youngsters on new ideas and trying to be 'woke'. We were made to believe that  60s is the new 50s or 40s. Overnight we become 'seniors' with weakening body organs unable to fight off the virus.

Now even if I had gone out to do an extra bit of shopping on top of 'essentials' or dined at a cafe, I would feel kind of guilty. Had I been irresponsible? I feel like a rebellious kid when stepping out of the house.

Honestly all these official warnings and reminders are driving me (if not us) crazy. As a friend puts it we have to stay sane too.

Child Play at Mid Autumn festival

 

Yesterday was Mid Autumn festival. Last weekend I saw a shop selling lanterns and intended to buy a new lantern to add to my collection. The shop keeper asked me how old my grandchild is so she can recommend a suitable one. She remarked that if the child is too young a lighter one with a cartoon image would be appropriate. My immediate response was to tell her I do not have grandkids but thought it would be either embarrassing or too tedious to tell her that I love lightening up various lanterns for my own enjoyment. As usual I had quite a bit of fun taking pictures of the lighted lanterns last night. 

This morning I thought about Carl Jung and how he loved to play even as an adult to connect with his inner child. Now I am thinking of buying the toys which I have always wanted as a child and play to my heart's content. For a moment I thought I am losing my sanity because of Covid. However considering that Lego has come out with adult Lego sets and with adult colouring books flooding the market, I begin to appreciate the virtue of play. Would it be weird though? 

I google 'adult playing children toys' and came across a remark made in Quora on a similar subject. The response says it is perfectly normal for adults to continue playing with children toys. The only abnormality is "an adult who just wants to play with toys sometimes, but feels ashamed of doing so to the point that he hides it, and does it secretly. He may have some kind of problem with self-image".

I try to recall happy childhood memories so as to relive them but don't seem to remember much. Perhaps a better alternative is to probe what I feel I have missed out. Perhaps I should buy a doll house and put little pieces of furniture and miniature figures in it or perhaps I should go to the library to enjoy pop-up books. Whatever it is, the idea is to recreate the sense of fantasy and wonder and to have fun unrestrained.

It sure would be a good way to beat the Covid blues.

Sun Bathing Moment

 

Looking at my cat sitting peacefully probably oblivious of her shadow, I am reminded of the  words of the Buddha- "We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves"

Does my cat think? According to some experts animals do not think like the way human does or they do not have the capability of higher reasoning. They are thus spared from many a mental afflictions that we human often experience. 

When Buddha speaks of a 'pure' mind he is referring to a mind uncorrupted by defilement which are mainly greed, anger/aversion and delusion and which branch out into attachment, envy, jealousy, guilt,  shame and depression just to name a few.

When our minds think of something lacking in our life or think of getting rid of an unwanted condition, we are at odds with the reality of circumstances. My cat seems to be relatively free of such mental anguish. When the weather is hot she does not fret but just looks for the best shaded spot to snooze (often it's the toilet). When the weather is cool and windy she does not hope that it lasts forever, she just slumbers for hours on the sofa. 

She may have a sense of self and is territorial, warding off stray cats venturing into our garden. However I certainly don't think she is attached to an identity or even need to uphold or defend one. She just 活着.

Oblivious of the shadow that her form projects, she just enjoys the sun bathing moment.

Tragic

 

How can one not feel sad when reading about the fall of Afghanistan to the Taliban and the terrorist attack at Kabul Airport causing more than 170 deaths and 200 wounded including 17 US servicemen. About 300 thousand Afghans face retaliation for working for the US government and thousands have jammed the airport waiting to be airlifted out of danger. 

In another report groups of Afghan women dressed in black hijab were seen demanding equal rights in the streets. They fear the repeat of the brutal Taliban rule two decades ago which forbid women from working and attending school and allowing them to leave home only in the presence of a male relative.

Although the Taliban has promised a more moderate regime and allowing women to take an active role in society "within the framework of Islam" civilians have serious doubt as those lower in commands have been going house to house to round up anti Taliban netizens and looking for girls above 15 for marriage. A foreign journalist who managed to escape told of the fear that gripped the Afghan women.

It is indeed heart wrenching to consider how these women who have fought and gained some semblance of freedom over the last 2 decades lost it overnight. Imagine an Afghan baby girl born 2 decades ago received education and now a young lady with hopes of forging a career. How will she be able to live like a tribal woman confined inside her home with her fate determined by the males around her. It is like reverting back to the dark ages after being brought up during the renaissance. What a nightmare!

Curious as to the beliefs behind the Taliban's low regard for women, I found these statements in the web,

"the face of a woman is a source of corruption"

"women should not wear high heeled shoes as no man should hear a woman's footsteps lest it excite him"

From what I gathered, generally cross gender contact has to be kept at a minimum because women are found to be too distracting for men!

This reminds me of the story of a king who ordered that all roads in his kingdom be paved with leather so that it was comfortable to walk on rough surfaces.  An advisor offered a better solution in a pair of good shoes. It saved the lives of many cattle.

That was just a story with a happy ending but the reality is Afghan women face the risk of disappearance and being forgotten. Some Afghan women have expressed that death is a better alternative than life under the Taliban with one lady comparing it to "living inside a black hole of hopelessness".

Tragic!

"Wrath springs from thwarted desires"

 

At Steve Job's memorial service guests were given his last gift, a book entitled "Autobiography of a Yogi" by Yogananda, a book about self realization and one which he re-read many times in his lifetime. Curious I begin to read it slowly. Other than the main theme about finding who you are, there are among its pages many snippets of wisdom and useful insights into life. 

On page 160 Yogananda recounted how he once left his guru abruptly for awhile without seeking permission and leaving his duties unattended. When he returned he asked his guru why he was not angry with him at all. Sri Yukteswar's, the guru replied "Wrath springs only from thwarted desires. I do not expect anything from others, so their actions cannot be in opposition to wishes of mine. I would not use you for my own ends: I am happy only in your own happiness."

How true! "Thwarted desires" and unmet expectations give rise to anger and frustrations that mar relationships. Often human interaction is about using another to meet our own needs including the need to be loved and other subtle psychological or emotional needs. 

Results from a study has shown that among couples, those who don't expect sacrifices from their partners tend to feel more appreciation and are more satisfied with their relationship. 

I think if we can be less attached to self wishes and desires we will save a lot of reasons to be disappointed and angry with others we are engaging with.

Review on consumerism

 

For more than a year and a half I have not visited the salons for facial spa/therapy and body massage. I have only visited the hairdresser thrice. This is to limit exposure to close contact services during this Covid pandemic. I can manage my hair quite well, colouring and trimming using a rear mirror. I am not sure however whether my face has more wrinkles or sags a bit more though. Also I have run down the stock of face/body creams usually purchased when the therapists did their cold selling. I have hardly gone to the malls for fashion shopping although I did purchase online just a few pieces of light clothing to help tolerate the extreme hot weather.

I must say I have saved considerable amount of money and also realise much was spent unnecessarily under normal times. I begin to think that the bosses of salons like Jean Yip derived their wealth from our stupidity, follow the crowd mentality as well as our attachment to routine. Honestly I can't understand why I pay so much for hair treatment that doesn't seem to produce much results. The need to wear mask during this pandemic has also dispensed with lipsticks and other cosmetics. I may even find it troublesome to revert to old ways of grooming once all restrictions are lifted and life goes back to normal. Will I even consider not visiting the grooming salons? Looking at a bigger picture however I may still resume all these activities to do my part to spin the economy. I think of my therapists and hair dressers and I have to continue to support them. Will I resume shopping? I don't know because buying unnecessary consumer products is a sheer waste of natural resources and pollutes the earth.

I have always wondered about how the world can grow its economy without higher consumer spending. Given that employment is based on economic growth how can we keep everyone employed while at the same time reduce consumption. 

"Perhaps the question is less whether the economy can survive the death of consumerism, but whether the economic system we have now is one we're willing to sacrifice the planet for'"  as one green society pointed out.

It has always been thought that economic growth is the only way to lift global population out of poverty. Yet we have now witnessed vast inequality and huge income gaps even in countries with high economic growth over the decades.

There is now a "degrowth" movement which believes there is an alternative to the consumer economy. The following are their goals:

(1) Reduce the environmental impact of human activity; (2) Redistribute income and wealth both within and between countries; (3) Promote the transition from a materialistic to a convivial and participatory society..

For this to succeed there needs to be a paradigm shift from values of a consumer economy to one that refocus on intrinsic human values. 

 

Rumination upon reading IPCC report

 The past week has been incredibly hot and humid over here in Singapore. Even without going out and doing almost nothing, pearls of sweat roll down your face and body. You tell yourself 'this place is unlivable".

Then the IPCC report is out. 'Cities like Singapore could face punishing heatwaves, floods" the headlines screamed in our ST. As it is Singapore is experiencing warming higher than the global average because of the urban island effect. Experts opined that temperatures above 35C would be very uncomfortable because of the high humidity. According to one expert by the year 2045, there will be days in Singapore when the thermometer will hit  45C which will increase the days when it is not possible to work in the open. Who will lay our roads and construct our buildings then? Of more concern also is the rising water level and flooding. It really sounds like doomsday is inevitable doesn't it? 

Of course the 2 full page report on climate change is followed by depressing news of Covid impacting lives around the world. Hence it is unsurprising that a reader will feel resigned and start ruminating philosophically, like what I am thinking now.  

Every great civilisation/empire/dynasty in history faced its downfall. Such is the impermanence of things. Yet you think of the effort, pain, achievement and pride of the pioneers in each of these institutions and their endeavour to sustain or prolong their greatness. Inevitably all collapsed because conditions changed, some of which could have been controlled but much were uncontrollable. So too this great city state that tops the list in terms of safety, security, good governance and more. Yet because it lacks a hinterland it faces threats of being wiped out by nature in time to come. So the long term plan is probably to elevate as much as feasible or to relocate to purchased land on higher grounds.

In another irony, Singapore together with Taiwan, South Korea and Hong Kong once called the 4 rising Asian tigers are all facing a 'demographic time bomb' being ranked among the world's last 5 in terms of fertility rate. How then can a country be termed great or successful if its people do not even think it worthwhile to bring a newborn into it. Alas, this is the unanticipated consequence of economic success, unforeseen by the great pioneer leaders; or perhaps it is all part of the destiny cycle.

Equal Distribution?

 In a online journal known as "MarketWatch" there is a column called "The Moneyist" which discusses the ethics and etiquette of financial affairs of people writing in for advice. Readers can also chip in to comment on top of the editor's response. The questions, the response as well as the comments make very entertaining reading.

In a recent query, XYZ wrote in to ask whether he has a right to feel angry about a situation he is in. Earlier on he bought his parents a vintage car as a gift but made them promised he would inherit it. As the car was not in tip top condition, his parents have to spend some money to upgrade it as well as to maintain it. He added that his parents aren't that well off. He later found out that without prior discussing with him, his parents promised his brother that all the money spent on the upgrade and maintenance would be deducted from his share of inheritance. 'Was it fair?' he asked.

Apart from the response that a gift should not have conditions attached and the recipient of a gift has liberty to do whatever they want with it, the comments from the public readers are hilarious: 

"An engine rebuild, new paintwork, etc. Seems you gave them a junker hoping they would spend their money on restoring it so when you get it back it would be fully restored and in pristine condition. That's no way to treat your parents"

"I think someone will be checking up on the car with a magnifying glass every week. LOL! You gonna get all mad when your parents put a scratch or ding on "their gift." LOL!...."

"It's really terrible that your parents will go through their golden years being stingy on themselves because they have to worry about how much they'll have left to give their kids. "You're going to spend money on that car? Money that could be mine when you die?" So then your poor parents have to bargain... "Okay, okay.. we'll take it out of his inheritance all the maintenance cost. But son, can we have a good steak dinner on Fridays? Or, do you want us to stick to can food, so we can save even more inheritance for you?" All of you don't sound like good children at all."

If you ask me I would say "What rotten children!"

And here in lies the dilemma in many of us who have adult kids and have something to bequeath.

- Do we reveal what we have?

- Do we openly discuss with them our intended distribution?

- Do we impart some of it rather than leaving all as inheritance?

In the Moneyist column there are numerous questions reflecting the dilemma of whether to bequeath more to a child who needs financial support, leaving an estranged child out of the will, and fears about the impact on the children's feelings.

Many parents take great pain to make sure they treat their children equally even after death. But in some cases unequal distribution may really be equal distribution viewed from another angle. To avoid resentment and ill feelings , lawyers have advised that the inheritance plan should be openly discussed. Yet I think this is one of the most procrastinated task ever.

Peer Parenting Pressure

 

China's Ministry of Education has declared that outside-school education has been "severely hijacked by capital". After-school tutoring is now considered an impediment to the government's top focus which is boosting a declining birth rate.

Singapore is facing the same problem of excessive tuition outside school and declining birth rate contributed by stress of competitive parenting. 

Of course the parents' start off point is good in that they do what is deemed to be for the children's future and providing opportunities to maximise their potential. Yet often times this crosses the dangerous threshold when the concern for the children is overridden by a quest for personal achievement through the children's success as deemed by society at large. This has undesirable impact on the children who my suffer from low self esteem, anxiety and other mental disorders.

I recall many years ago when I was a school counsellor in a low ranking school, I had under my care a teenage boy who was presented with poor self esteem, lack of interest and listlessness. He shared that his mother, a lecturer, expected him to study round the clock. He felt he was a disgrace to his family because all his cousins in the extended family went to prestigious schools. When I suggested to both mother and child to compromise on an agreed study schedule, I was berated for interfering by the mother who also remarked that her child had gone through numerous counsellors with no improvement.

Recently a 16 year old student at a Singapore school with a history of mental disorder killed a school mate with an axe. We do not know the factors contributing to his illness and the incident but it is a wake up call for us to be concerned about our school children's overall well being.  

Amongst a surge of commentaries in local social media encouraging better awareness of mental health, a 12 year old school pupil wrote to our press talking about the "tremendous amount of stress when facing a major national exam" and recounting classmates who engaged in self harm to relieve stress and anxiety. He called upon all children not to neglect their mental health and implored them not to resort to self-harm while suggesting they express through sharing and crying out if need be.

Asian parents are known to pile expectations onto their children. Asian children in blogs & forums have opined that their parents look upon them as source of prestige and bragging rights. The more sympathetic kids attributed it to the parents' own fears and insecurities. According to them their parents want to play safe and have peace of mind so they themselves don't have to suffer the fears, anxieties, struggles and other difficulties their children may encounter later in life. All these remarks point out to over attachment of Asian parents to their kids' lives.

I commend the 12 year old kid who wrote to the press for his acute awareness. The child's advice to his peers should awaken parents. Just like the child who cares deeply for other children, parents should learn from him to be more concerned for the overall well-being of their own children. 

Beyond thinking

 

Last night I lay on my bed pondering about human sufferings. This could have been triggered by news of 2 young acquaintances facing life challenges, one with divorce and another with a spouse addicted to gambling. I think deeper into why vices have such a strong hold on human beings. I think it boils down to the pleasure derived from heightened senses. Such feelings elate the body physical sensations and that's what most clamour for. 

Dostoevsky described vividly this sensation (through the character of an addicted gambler in his book ):

"Whenever I..found myself in some shameful position, some more than usually humiliating, despicable and, above all, ridiculous situation always aroused in me not only boundless anger but....an incredible sense of pleasure, an intoxication...from the agonising awareness of my own depravity. I confess that I often sought it out because for me it was the most powerful of all such sensations."

I think the same probably holds true for infidelity and other forms of addiction.

On a less dramatic scale don't we all grasp for pleasant feelings which lighten our body and push away uncomfortable feelings which tend to cause our body to constrict. Life thus seems like a never ending quest to line up good 'experiences' or at least to avoid bad ones, moment after moment, day after day. How is it even possible? Even if for a time we feel happy having all that we ever want, do those conditions last? 

Let's analyse what actually happens when an emotionally painful situation arises? It starts with the mind, an attachment to an idea, a perception that this should not have happened , a fear that worse things may come in the future. These thoughts arouse emotional distress that cause pain in the heart or a constriction in the body which is very hard to bear. So humans struggle to avoid such sufferings in life.

The husbands in the above examples have failed and do not live up to expectations, that’s the first arrow shot on the wives. The wives shoot themselves a second arrow when they ruminate about the future or the cultural shame. 

However they must understand reality, the frailty of human nature, the conditioning of each individual from upbringing, past experiences, in-born character or constitution and even karmic inheritance. So too is the reality of sickness and death of a human body. Attachment to form and idea goes against the law of nature and brings about mental distress.  

To alleviate suffering one has to go beyond thinking ie. be aware of one's thoughts and their impact on feelings. Above all one must be cognitive of excessive attachment and also accept that life has ten thousand joys and ten thousand sorrows.

It's ok to be ordinary

 

The fear of being ordinary is prevalent, especially among younger people. They aspire to stand out from the crowd and to be recognised as special or unique. This is not a bad thing except when carried too far means excessive attachment to a self identity. Centering too much on 'ME' and comparing self with others will inevitably lead to much stress and anxiety.

Truth be told however, if someone says of me 'Oh, she's an ordinary woman' I'll be kind of put off. Surely I am better than most? Haven't I achieved this and that? Perhaps they don't know? This arrogance arises from my ego. But why? Why do I need to be regarded as above others? Does people's view of me matter so much? 

One young blogger who pulled off a 36 hour shift in a start up and coping with anxieties when measuring his achievement with others of his cohort, gained some self awareness when he remarked:

' I had to understand that I deserve love, happiness and peace, regardless of how I perform and what I do later in life. I had to minimize my fears of being average'.

William Martin, author of the book "The Parent's Tao Te Ching" wrote:

'Do not ask your children to strive for extraordinary lives. Such striving may seem admirable, but it is the way of the foolish. Help them instead to find the wonder and the marvel of an ordinary life. Show them the joy of tasting tomatoes, apples and pears. Show them how to cry when pets and people die. Show them the infinite pleasure in the touch of a hand. And make the ordinary come alive for them. The extraordinary will take care of itself.'

During this pandemic with so much anxiety and sadness all over the world, one can now truly appreciate the pre-Covid ordinary life and a normal mundane day. We must continue to find joy in each peaceful moment and fulfilment from small acts of grace and kindness. We have to appreciate what we receive from the world and give back in whatever small ways we can. Perhaps then we will feel more at one with the world and less obsessed with this 'six foot long body' and this busy mind. It really doesn't matter whether we are average or not.

Dostoevsky on kindness

 

I am reading a book "Dostoevsky in Love" by Alex Christofi about events in Dostoevsky's life that shaped his thoughts and writings. The author pulls out excerpts from Dostoevsky's works to reflect his world view when undergoing different life experiences. Dostoevsky lived in an era when Russian intelligentsia were pressing for radical socialist and political reforms. 

One particular excerpt from his novel 'The Idiot' leaves an impression on me.  "Individual kindness will always remain, the living impulse of one personality to exert a direct influence upon another". Dostoevsky seemed to be reminding the intelligentsia that kindness is the core of being human even amidst the fervor of  radical ideologies.

"In scattering the seed, in your kind deeds, you are giving away a part of your personality, and taking into yourself part of the other; you are in mutual communion with one another"

I particularly like the phrase 'and taking into yourself part of the other'. I kind of relate to this when I am engaging in counseling/therapy work. It is like receiving something from the person you are engaging with. That is why we always thank them for sharing their personal problem/experience with us.

It is very much in line with the Buddhist emphasis on metta or loving kindness as a core practice. 

As Dostoevsky puts it in 'Letters of Fyodor Dostoevsky to his family and friends':

"To be a human being among people and to remain one forever, no matter in what circumstances, not to grow despondent and not to lose heart- that's what life is all about, that's its task."

Meeting expectations in a Marriage

  Interesting article "Maslow and marriages in a time of pandemic" by Chong Siow Ann discusses the hierarchy of needs in marriages over time and over different circumstances. He talks about how marriages which used to be an arrangement for mutual basic need has over the years moved up the Maslow pyramid to one expecting support of self-actualisation from one's spouse. Here he gave the example of Bill and Melinda Gates' recent divorce citing reasons for being unable to grow together as a couple. 

I think of my parents' generation and how many of those old couples plod through their stormy marriages right to the very end. The main contributing factor was the wives' dependence on the husband to put food on the table to raise a large family. Divorce in my generation is also few and far between because we avoid the social disapproval of divorce (probably straddling between the Maslow need for social belonging and self esteem). The expectation of today's young couples have included growth and actualisation in an "all or none marriage".

It is not surprising that older people  are also influenced by the millennia's way of thinking. Statistics have shown rising rate of divorce in older couples above 45 in Singapore. Thinking about it I must admit my expectation of my husband has widened in scope too, Whilst I once focused on his being a good father (when the children were growing up ) I now lament over our incompatibility in interests. What was once considered differences is now perceived as incompatibility.

A writer in Psychology Today called it psychological bias (on loss aversion) where human beings are genetically encoded to focus on causes of pain more than causes of joy. However he contends that how "we experience relationship is a function of what we notice about them". Hence every time we are irritated with our spouse or feeling disillusioned we must call to mind something good to counter our psychological bias.

Hence we must hold the values imparted by our parents to compromise and tolerate incompatibilities while at the same time learn from the youngsters to ensure we have the freedom to develop personal growth (by our own self if need be).

Unknowns

 

The known knowns, the known unknowns and the unknown unknowns. 

It was comforting to read that even Berkshire Hathaway's Charlie Munger said that it is normal to feel confused about the investment climate during this pandemic. As of now the differing views on whether inflation is going to be temporary or longer term makes one unsure about one's equity/bond portfolio. 

First of all keeping abreast of the known knowns is already taxing enough. For example you thought retail Reits will surely be hit hard with plunge in shopper traffic. Surprisingly enough you read about "trip consolidation" (where shoppers spend more on their less frequent trips to make up for it) and the dichotomy between city and suburban malls. Then you have to keep track of which companies will benefit from WFH and even companies that benefit from changing pastimes and behaviour during the movement restrictions.

An analyst cited the tourism industry as an example of the known unknowns, meaning it will definitely pick up and the only unknown factor is the timing. Perhaps I have begun to lean towards pessimism observing wave after wave of this pandemic all over the world. I begin to lose faith even in the so called known unknowns fearing unforeseen circumstances at every bend. 

This morning I heard news about the melting of the Artic ice reaching the tipping point of irreversible global warming. Also due to climate change a rare late frost has destroyed a third of the harvest in a prestigious French wine producing region. The known unknown is how fast and how bad will the impact of the climate change be. 

Thinking that the potential vengeful recovery of the tourism industry will fast accelerate the impact of climate change, I have a strange idea about the unknown unknowns. Maybe unknown to us some supernatural force has planned this pandemic as a chance for isolation and introspection, for people to rethink their priorities and values. It may also be a wake up call to test the world's preparedness for more severe pandemics to come. It also serves as a reminder of how inter related we are and the importance of  unity among countries.

" We are born from the unknown, journey through the unknown and eventually leave through and to the unknown. It is better to form a conscious relationship with the unknown and let go of the desire to control ( or attachment to ) a specific outcome. "

What we don't know

 

The US intelligence agencies will submit a report to the US Congress later this month based on the government's files on UFOs or UAPs (Unidentified Aerial Phenomenal. Apparently the Pentagon is not ruling out the alien theory citing absence of evidence to reject it.

It pertains to objects sighted and tracked on radar by military personnel in air-craft and naval ships. Apparently these objects travel and maneuver in ways that surpass physics and aerodynamics comprehensive to our world. 

In addition to the extraterrestrial theory (aliens from another planet) there is speculation on a "Ultraterrestrial" theory which is something outside our 'physical reality'. It is known as the IDH interdimensional hypothesis ie. something outside the dimensions we perceive. This theory is fueled by the fact that these objects seemed to travel at speeds faster than light which makes interstellar travel seem impossible. In addition these objects were known to appear and disappear from sight and radar, hence fueling the hypothesis that the UAPs are able to enter and leave our dimension or travel between different time dimension or realities.

I am really intrigued with this news. I have often dismissed the sightings of  UFO as hallucinations or wild imaginations at best. With report of sightings by the US military and the Pentagon's inability to proof otherwise, I begin to wonder about our so called perceived reality and how much there is unknown to us. Just think of it this way, without the telescope and the microscope our perception of the world we live in and who we share it with is so limited. We rely on our senses to apprehend reality ignoring the fact that much of reality can not be perceived by our senses.

We close our mind to anything that defies logic or science (ie. up to the latest scientific discoveries todate). In a way we may be behaving like the clergies in the times of Galileo.

I don't know how this coming report will affect my world view but as of now I think I will not dismiss any metaphysical/religious/transcendental theories without deeper thoughts. It also calls for a check on attachment to this material world.

"What we know is a drop, what we don't know is an ocean." Isaac Newton

My perspective from my window

Came across an article in Rice where the writer asked 10 people to share a view from a window they often look out of and what's on their mind since the introduction of Phase 2 restrictions. Apart from sharing how they pass time indoors many expressed anxieties and disappointment especially when things were beginning to look good prior to that. There is longing for home visits (for foreigners trapped here) and missing out on socialising with friends. Amidst all these you can sense a tinge of resignation with not knowing when there will be another flare up and when life can resume some normality. There is a lot of inner reflection too. 

For me I am blessed with a view that looks at my mango tree from the dining table where I usually work or do my reading. We planted this tree 2 decades ago and I have never treasured it more than the past year when cooped up at home. Nowadays when I read the newspaper with page after page of endless tragedies (Covid catastrophe in India, political violence in Myanmar and Palestine and destruction of animal life and nature from raging climate change) heaviness sets in the heart inevitably. For relief I look up at my mango tree, its refreshing green leaves spreading out from a solid brown trunk. It radiates an ambience of stability, a sense of  "suchness". 

With volunteer work and fitness classes all suspended and self isolation from hairdresser, facial/body masseur, weekly routine seems to evolve around household chores which makes them seem more monotonous and tedious. When boredom and listlessness set in, the mind reflects on life's purpose. 

In normal times, working with children and travelling add sparks to life and excite my senses. Now I ask myself while looking at the tree, 'Is life only worth living when one's senses are filled ?' 'How then will one live when age catches up, restricting physical activities and confining one to live with oneself most of the time?'

I do not yet know their answers. I go out and touch the tree, resting both hands on the trunk for awhile. Its quiet assurance gives me hope one day I will find the way.

 

Wedding in times of pandemic

 

What makes a wedding in times of pandemic memorable in Singapore? A tree in the garden and a pet cat.

My daughter's wedding lunch scheduled in early June had to be postponed when the government introduced stricter movement controls in mid May. The traditional wedding ceremony scheduled on the same day was in limbo because under the new restrictions only 2 persons can visit a household in one day and outdoor gathering limited to 2. Well, at least it is not a total lockdown. 

The dilemma then is whether to postpone the traditional ceremony as well. Usually a traditional Chinese wedding ceremony would include the groom going to the bride's house with his groom men to fetch the bride. At the bride's house a bevy of bridesmaid will put them to some challenges (games). Also there is a tea serving ceremony for the parents, uncles and aunts by the couple. 

We were therefore thrown in a dilemma whether to hold a quiet ceremony. Well after the decision was made to go ahead our family decided to bring forward the ceremony to last weekend, just to avoid the sudden announcement of a total lockdown which would render even a quiet ceremony impossible. 

As the decision was made just a couple of days before the forwarded new date, we had to act fast. A 2-person visit restriction means the groom can only come with the photographer. A search was on for one while the boutique was rushed to deliver the bridal gown. Thankfully the fitting was already done. Then there was the rush to purchase items required for the ceremony and the sprucing up of the home and the putting up of decorations with auspicious connotations. 

Well, we made it and surprising enough it was really quite fun. Kept within the family and without friends and relatives hovering around we were relaxed and created plenty of private jokes without abandon. The fact is I, the mother-in-law had to multi task including taking on the role of the bridesmaid to think of fun challenges for the groom ( a usual game played by bridesmaid to tease the groom into doing slapstick gimmicks before allowing him to enter into the bride's room). Well, this MIL has way lost such playful creativity and instead challenged the groom to come up with witty answers for some talking points. Fortunately my son-in-law has humour in abundance and provided slapstick accompaniment which made my tears rolled. 

As the photographer can only take pictures within our home, we initially were worried how many spots of the living room (the only place nicely done up) can be taken. Amazing enough the photographer found spots in the garden and even the messy backyard which could provide good backdrop. The weather was kind too. So we took 80% of photos under the mango tree from various angles. Even the overgrown and bushy curry leaf tree at our messy backyard provided a beautiful green backdrop for the wedding couple in their fineries. I now understand that professional photographers have a third eye, one that is able to pick the good among the mundane and unsightly to bring out the best in others.

If you ask me what was the best shot of the day, hands down it's with our my pet cat. I managed to hold on to her to get a shot with the couple. It turned out to be the best shot. We were all sitting casually on the dining room floor (the wedding couple in their fineries), me laughing, my daughter stroking the cat on one side of me and my son-in-law looking on with affection on the other. The cat was staring at him as if asking "who are you anyway?" I just love this picture, would not have been possible if there was a crowd at home.

So a big thank you to the mango tree and my pet cat. They provided huge support for a memorable day! A wedding in times of a pandemic.

The 'Oh Wow' aunty

 We depend on my husband when the family wants to take a group selfie. He has a selfie stick bought in a London 'Value' shop for 3 pounds. Its functionality is very dicey often disappointing us at the crucial moments when we were all smiles. 

So I decided to get a proper one. The staff at the Challenger store which I went to showed me the shelf with a whole array of selfie sticks. All of them are wireless and she could not find any with a cable ( to be attached to the phone) which is close to the one which my husband is familiar with. 

With a bit of unease (which I often have when trying to master any new device) I requested her to show me how to use it. In the process of doing so she couldn't help laughing because I was so impressed with repeated exclamations of "Oh Wow". It uses blue tooth technology.

Staff: "The shutter button is detachable, try pressing on it,"---  I clicked and "Oh Wow, so I can hold the stick and another person can click the button"

Staff: "There is a LED light here" ---- "Ohh..."

Staff:" You can use it as a tripod too" --- "Oh Wow, perfect"

She must be thinking to herself "Oh Wow this aunty is so out of date and so easily thrilled!"

Back home I tried my new toy taking numerous selfies with my arrogant cat which seems to  understand and clearly dislikes photo taking. "OH WOW, what fun we (or rather I) have.

I begin to understand why people love the latest gadgets. They give you thrill when you first lay hands on them like touching magic buttons. I did a search. They called them the 'Insanely Cool Gadgets'. Here are some that interest me:

A wireless charger

A lightsaber umbrella

A PhoneSoap UV sanitizer you can toss your phone for 10 minutes after you get home

A motions sensor trash can which opens smoothly and quietly with a wave of the hand

A smart bottle attachment that tracks when you take a sip of water and remind you to drink more by blinking before dehydration kicks in.

Perhaps I can get this for a start, the lightsaber umbrella

Breath before taking umbrage

 Recently in Singapore the word 'umbrage' was the top search word in Google. It arose from a comment made by the CEO of SPH who used the word while losing his cool at a press conference. The video of Ng Yat Chung pointing his finger, raising his voice and saying "I take umbrage at that comment " became viral and perpetuated tons of jokes, criticisms, mean comments against him and even petition for his dismissal.

Well, this guy was a Lieutenant General before he left his military career to become CEO of 2 sinking companies. I must admit I was no saint and partook in the joy of sharing cruel jokes about him just to assuage my pain in losing money on SPH shares.  

Later when the meanness of netizens seem overboard  I imagined how this poor guy will feel now that he has become the country's number one laughing stock. To be fair to him he was sent to manage a sinking ship and a sunset company with no corporate experience whatsoever. Still my son said he could have declined or retired if he knew he could not contribute. He has the financial means from his past income as an outstanding military man for more than 2 decades. But again given that he had been the chief of Army, how could he burst his ego and bring himself to declare that he was incapable of running a company.

I feel that there is a lot of projections going on and he is a juicy target. During this pandemic the mental well being of many netizens has suffered. There is fear, anxiety, sadness, anger and general unhappiness/dissatisfaction. NYC's boorish manner towards a young journalist provided a valid reason for people to vent their hatred and anger on him without feeling guilty or mean. For some he created some merriment which people have been deprived of for quite awhile. Moreover he is viewed as an elitist who had assumed top positions just by virtue of being a government scholar on a charted path. People's general unhappiness over the great divide in pay between CEOs/Ministers/top civil servants and the man in the street now finds a good target to lash out. People's disillusionment with the  meritocratic system upon which our society has been built heightens when one of these so called 'talent' fails miserably. To them NYC represents the elites  and stands in as a good punch bag accentuated by his elitist arrogance.

Sad it may be for him, he does provide a good reminder to people that one must always try to be aware of one's emotions before reacting. Breath, step back, think before taking umbrage.

Life of Duty

 

" I slept and dreamed that life was joy,

   I awoke and saw that life was duty.

   I acted, and behold duty was joy."

   Rabindranath Tagore

A religious teacher was asked how best to cope in taking care of a difficult and 'toxic' parent or person under one's care. The reply can best be summarised by the above poem which I stumbled across. 

The questioner found it difficult to comprehend how acting out of duty can bring joy especially if the parent/person is not someone one respects. Wouldn't just being bound by a sense of duty makes one acts begrudgingly.

The teacher explained that when pride and ego takes over, one questions the worthiness of the person being cared for. One thinks one is doing a great service or granting a huge favour in serving them. One becomes a judge of another's character, whether the recipient is good enough for spending time and effort on. That is a lot of arrogance whereas caregiving needs one to be humble.

As to how it will bring joy, the teacher suggested that joy will be felt eventually without too much thinking and reasoning. It is like a call of duty which one is meant to carry out. I think he implies it is like one of the caregiver's life purposes. Just doing it unconditionally would bring joy.

By the same reasoning one's duty to a spouse is similar. Constant thinking how a spouse falls short of one's expectation strains the relationship. Again it is ego and pride at play thinking " I deserve better ". 

Well I did pick up a lesson on arrogance and garnered some self awareness.

Baby boomers' childhood imprint

 My daughter having moved into her new home came back to clear her room in my house. By the end of the day she dumped half a dozen big garbage bags of stuff while another handful await donation to the Salvation army. She literally threw 70 % of the things in her closet and room. When I started to peek into the bags she stopped me immediately just to ensure I didn't retrieve something . "No hoarding Mum" she warned.

Why do many baby boomers find it difficult to part with items? Well it has to be habits cultivated from childhood. Just recall the frugal lifestyle when we were young. As a vain little girl I really looked forward to Chinese New Year because that was the only day in a year when we got to wear new shoes and dresses meaning one pair of shoes and one or two sets of dresses have to last for the whole year. Colour pencils had to be used until their length was too short for little fingers to hold, uniforms worn until the edges of the pinafore frayed and toys were not bought but gifted once in a blue moon by a visiting relative from afar. Hence every item was precious and kept until it was worn out. Since there wasn't much to possess, one shelf in a family shared cupboard was sufficient for each child. 

Well as the post WW2 economy boomed and upon reaching adulthood, we baby boomers enjoyed the income undreamed of by our parents. It unleashed the freedom and thrill to buy up things like property, cars and all kinds of electrical and consumer stuff. Yet we find it difficult to discard hence the accumulation. There are quite a few reasonings contributing to this habit.

We think we will fix every broken down item. Remember shoes with broken strap had to be sewn back and soles replaced before the next pair at CNY. My husband who grew up in a sprawling unkempt kampung house will keep every broken down electrical appliance as the components may be needed to repair another. 

The more space you have at home the more the accumulation. In the midst of nagging at the clutter created by my husband at our backyard, I did sense that he was intuitively recreating the old kampung house  environment where he had a happy childhood. Thus I had to close one eye just to let him keep his Linus security blanket.

Then nostalgia will keep us from parting with mementos or any item which will remind us of pleasant times. Hence stacks of birthday/mother/father day cards and photo albums of family holidays occupy closets. One must understand many of us never celebrated our growing up birthdays. Our parents were just too busy or too poor to remember every child's birthday. Family outings were rare not to mention family holiday. Thus celebrating our birthdays at adulthood and family holidays are new found treasures.

We also keep items because we harbour hopes. We keep an ill fitting dress because we hope we will be disciplined enough to fit into it. We keep novel after novel hoping one day we will read all of them. 

Lastly there is the fear of making the wrong decision when we toss something in the garbage bag. Baby boomers fear regrets and were "raised to avoid failing at every turn". Think of times when you looked for something only to recall with regret you have thrown it away. Even if it rarely occurs that unpleasant feeling has to be avoided. Thus it is risk free to keep an item.

So millennias must understand its all about stability and security which baby boomers are trying to grasp since young. As pathetic as it sounds, childhood imprint is really impactful.

Cause and Effect- Bounce right back

 

Everything has a cause and effect. The current standoff between doctors/specialists and the insurers in Singapore  is a case in point . The former questions the later on their criteria to create a panel (of doctors/specialists) whose fees will qualify for insurance claims by insured patients (where the 5% co payment cap of $3000 still applies). The later retorts with examples of excessive fees and over treatment charges by unethical doctors which resulted in huge insurance claims and the need to increase premium.

I remember my one day stay in a private hospital to investigate a fainting episode led to an insurance claim of $6 thousand by the doctor which I didn't have to pay a cent. I also recall sharing a room with another patient who was checked in for some detailed investigation of a medical problem. On the morning of discharge I eavesdropped and heard her specialist saying she was fine . However he pointed out that one of the results from the blood test (in probably a host of items being tested) had shown that it bordered on the lower average range. The doctor asked whether she wanted to consult another specialist for further investigation over that not so ideal result. She of course agreed. Might as well right since the insurers will be paying the bill. 

One insurer cited an insurance claim where a woman stayed in hospital for abdominal hernia repair and ran up a bill of $46 thousand. Only thing was the treatment included a tummy tuck and breast augmentation  which weren't stated in the bill.

Well these unethical doctors had it good and now they bear the consequence of their own actions. Likewise the policy holders who were only too glad to accept offers of  "ultra comprehensive" care and treatment without a flinch of guilt, deserve now to pay higher premium as well as the need now to co-pay the medical cost incurred. That includes me who once failed to correct an error in the medical bill which included adult nappies which weren't even used. Well between the hospital and the insurers, I unwisely leaned on the hospital. 

Now the premium of my Insurance Integrated Plan is sky high and in a teeny weeny fraction was the effect of my past actions too.

The itch of knowledge

 

Sometime back ST journalist Rohit Brijnath wrote an article entitled 'The itch of knowledge' describing when he gets older he reflects on how little he knows. I can totally relate to that not only because the world is changing so fast that it is hard to catch up but even if the world stagnates there is still so much backlog knowledge to acquire. 

Rohit best describes it as "So few years are left and so very little is known."

In some sense it sounds very depressing. Rohit comes out with a long list of books unread, fields of knowledge like astrometry (what's that?) unexplored and languages not mastered. This triggers thoughts of my own countless list of 'to learn's ranging from Chinese (so as to be able to read Chinese literature) to some basic physics (so as to understand Hawking's Big Bang theory) to understanding the Middle East conflict once and for all. Then there is the more practical knowledge to acquire like cooking beef rendang or research on cats' behaviour to understand my cat better. This is not even considering the endless list of book titles stored in my mobile notebook that are meant to be borrowed.

Yet and it is a big YET there are endless times when inertia takes over. Inertia sometimes takes the form of being a TV couch potato or often enough the habitual binging on social media. This of course is often followed by some sense of guilt.

Rohit calls out that "there is no time to waste" cautioning that as we age we are also quicker to forget what we have learned. I guess the only way out is to prioritize  and focus on the top few regrets for not learning. 

After all harbouring too much 'needs-to-know' creates too much attachment to this world and instills too much fear of missing out on this world, when it is time to go. 

Moment of Non Self Construction

 What is being present in its truest sense?

Thinking about the past are memories about YOUR actions, feelings and experiences which have gone by. Thinking about the future are YOUR plans, hopes, anxieties or worries relating to yourself in time to come.

To be really present there is "no room for self construction" as one teacher puts it. I think every moment experienced in the absence of 'self construction' is a moment of freedom gained. In my mind it is like a moment when a prisoner is removed off his head shackle. It is a moment when you fully immerse in the experience without much thinking.

I think in sports psychology they call it being in a 'flow state'. It is when the athlete is fully engaged in the moment focusing completely on their performance with diminished self consciousness and without any distractions. 

That is why our taiji master always tells us "不要东想西想"when practicing.

Co-Creation

 One definition of co-creation is working with nature to help things grow. A nature community in Scotland calls it a collaboration "between human and earth spirits to create a wonderful garden". 

This morning I spotted my cat nibbling at some grass, a special specie which I carefully planted in an enclosure in my garden. After having salad she sat up and pee at the same spot. I was really amused that she was eating the grass that was fertilized by her own output.

I may not work with nature in such direct terms as my cat but I certainly feel the flow when I am working in my garden and talking with the plants. I love the words 'human and earth spirits'. I also like the term 'co-creation'. It certainly is a joy to watch a plant grow slowly  from a seed or cutting to a full bloom plant. I create the conditions for the plant to grow, tapping the spirit of the earth. The plant in turn provides seedlings and tips as well as spur my human spirit to propagate more plants and to further connect with the earth. 

In the business context co-creation is the making of a product where consumers' input plays a vital role. Similarly in a personal context, co-creation is getting input from one's inner voice or soul's input to create something, embark on a project or fulfil some life purpose.

Feeling listless and disturbed by existential angst one night I probed into what actually lifts me up. I think of travel and how delightful it has always been when seeing and experiencing something new. Without doubt it exhilarates my senses. A voice inside me says there is something more in life than momentary delight. With further inward exploration it reaffirms my belief that there is only one path. 

I thank whoever or whatever you called it for the gift to be able to connect with children.

Carl Jung- Your destiny is the result of the collaboration between the conscious and the unconscious

Viewing from space

 

The Sanskrit word for equanimity is 'Upekkha' . The word's literal meaning is 'looking down' or having a bird eye view. It thus implies that having a wider perspective of things will result in a more balanced view and being less affected by emotions, like observing at a distance.

It is not surprising then that Astronauts have expressed a shift in awareness when viewing earth from space. As astronaut Buzz Aldrin described it, "It's the uncanny sense of understanding the "big picture.." Space philosopher, Frank White calls it "the overview effect". From talking with astronauts he found out that their experience of viewing earth from space "have strengthened their resilience when facing problems and existential challenges back on earth".

In a state of equanimity there is space, quiet and connectedness. When we experience emotional turmoil we need to give ourselves space. Someone uses the analogy of giving a wild horse space to run. Giving space to ourselves is to acknowledge our emotions and being aware of their impact on body sensations. We expand the space further by taking in our surroundings and the outside world. Embracing nature is a good way to calm ourselves and see the bigger picture behind any problem. Looking at planet earth inhabited by trillions of living things from space will most certainly transcend one's self preoccupation to a higher perspective beyond self.

So next time when you are emotionally charged over some issues imagine yourself in space looking down on a tiny speck of you on planet earth. It will help you zoom out of an exaggerated view of your personal problems and gain broader perspective of the situation. That is detaching from yourself at a far far distance with a sense of perspective.

You will achieve a semblance of Upekkha.

Danger of Single Vision

 

"May God keeps us from single vision ...."- William Blake.

When Leader of the Opposition Pritam Singh broached the possibility of religious bias in top civil servants either now or in the future, he is in my opinion alluding to the above quote from Blake.

When Home Affairs Minister Shanmugam responded by cautioning that Mr. Singh's statement could be misread as saying that top civil servants could be biased....and leaving that impression.. would be seriously wrong...", he is exhibiting clearly a single vision of always being 'attacked' by opposition parties and the need to defend at all costs.

Mr. Singh had cautioned that any dominant religious belief among senior civil servants "if not now, maybe some time in the future?" may put at risk laws and policies being "tilted towards particular religious beliefs". He also raised concerns over discrimination against LGBTQ community

Clearly I do not see this as an attack but truly a caution very well placed. One can imagine if in a situation all our judges belong to the same religious belief would it not be possible that their judgement  is subtly influenced by the same set of values; values which may not be held so strongly in another faith or community. 

Closer to home 'one vision' is a threat to harmony in families. Counselors often try to make their clients see their misbeliefs or one track mind. 

Surely our leaders can do better for the future harmony of our country.

Fine balancing

 

"Within the white calm of yang, there is a black spot to remind us that order can arbitrarily turned into chaos, often through our own actions. And within the dark yin is a white dot, to similarly remind us that chaos can just easily be turned back by us into order." - Meira Chand in her article 'Emerging from a time of chaos into a new order'.

Only reading this article do I understand the meaning of the dots within each white and dark segment ie, the turning points. 

During Chinese New Year we wish each other 新年快乐 万事如意! ie. (Happy New Year & May everything goes well as you wish). Quite a tall order but still we wish that for everyone. In Chinese horoscope everyone belongs to one of the 12 zodiac animals. Every year some zodiac animals will fare better than others in life circumstances , almost like taking turns. Except for a few, life for most people will traverse high and low points throughout life, or even at any one point there will simultaneously be blessings and challenges albeit in different proportions. Hence what is important is the ability to balance between the two, like what Meira Chand describes as 'living on the middle line that separates cohesion from confusion'.

 

However it takes a clear and steady mind to recognise the white dot when immersed in the dark yin, in order to turn chaos into order and similarly the dark dot in the white yang reminds one to be wary of excessive attachment to good things. Hence the best wish we should offer one another perhaps should be:

"May you balance well"

In search of support

 

So at a regular eye check-up at the SNEC, I was diagnosed with Fuch Cornea Dystrophy . The first doctor that attended to me ordered a scan after I casually mentioned that my eyesight seems blurry at times. I didn't go back to the same doctor after the scan but was seen by a seemingly younger doctor. Well you can't ask why because the whole clinic is swarmed with patients many complaining to the nurses of the long wait.

The problem as explained by the second doctor seems scary. She said the cells of the inner layer of the cornea are depleting at a faster rate than normal. She said my cataract problem on the other hand is slight and she advised I should delay any cataract operation as long as possible as there is a risk that a cataract operation will worsen the dystrophy problem. Alarmed I asked how bad the condition is currently and what is the worst that can happen. She did not want to tell how bad the condition is (or maybe she didn't really know) but kept on saying it varies with different individual how fast the condition deteriorates. The worst thing that can happen is loss of vision which requires a cornea transplant. Meanwhile the doctor's body language showed signs of impatience. Being a hypochondriac and not receiving enough information I asked her to repeat the name of the diagnosis again . She rolled her eyes took out a piece of A4 size paper, tore out a quarter page and wrote the name on it. She said she will review me in 8 months and dismissed me without prescribing any medication, not even eyedrops when the common symptom is dry eyes. So much for subsidised government hospital care but then you can't blame them. It was 4.30pm and there were still quite many patients waiting outside.

Back home needless to say I did extensive research and gathered information mainly from website of doctors accompanied with the skillful services they offer. I tried to locate support groups or forums which don't seem to be many but chanced upon one in the US. I applied to be a member and was accepted with warm welcome by the moderator who talked about visiting Singapore way back in the 90s and how amazed he was when he checked the google map now. Another kind lady shared her experience with her surgery which she described as painless and smooth. I am really amazed at the amount of information I can obtain from this group. You have doctors who patiently answer in detail loads of questions raised and give very useful advice to address concerns. The website also has updates on the latest treatment as well as trials carried out using the latest medical technology. Members of the group also comfort and give moral support to one another. I learned there are many types of surgery involved depending on the condition and they don't sound so scary as how my good doctor made it.

It makes me wonder why these doctors have the time and make the effort to help answer the support group members' concerns. It is not surprising then that the US is home to one of the largest number of Civic Participation organisations in the world. This is because it is far from a nanny state like ours.

So for a start I should also stop behaving like a spoilt kid. As one of the doctors in the above mentioned support group advised a member if her doctor doesn't talk to her she should just go find one who does. He added humorously that you get what you paid for. 

Well looks like I have to start looking for a private specialist.