Meeting expectations in a Marriage

  Interesting article "Maslow and marriages in a time of pandemic" by Chong Siow Ann discusses the hierarchy of needs in marriages over time and over different circumstances. He talks about how marriages which used to be an arrangement for mutual basic need has over the years moved up the Maslow pyramid to one expecting support of self-actualisation from one's spouse. Here he gave the example of Bill and Melinda Gates' recent divorce citing reasons for being unable to grow together as a couple. 

I think of my parents' generation and how many of those old couples plod through their stormy marriages right to the very end. The main contributing factor was the wives' dependence on the husband to put food on the table to raise a large family. Divorce in my generation is also few and far between because we avoid the social disapproval of divorce (probably straddling between the Maslow need for social belonging and self esteem). The expectation of today's young couples have included growth and actualisation in an "all or none marriage".

It is not surprising that older people  are also influenced by the millennia's way of thinking. Statistics have shown rising rate of divorce in older couples above 45 in Singapore. Thinking about it I must admit my expectation of my husband has widened in scope too, Whilst I once focused on his being a good father (when the children were growing up ) I now lament over our incompatibility in interests. What was once considered differences is now perceived as incompatibility.

A writer in Psychology Today called it psychological bias (on loss aversion) where human beings are genetically encoded to focus on causes of pain more than causes of joy. However he contends that how "we experience relationship is a function of what we notice about them". Hence every time we are irritated with our spouse or feeling disillusioned we must call to mind something good to counter our psychological bias.

Hence we must hold the values imparted by our parents to compromise and tolerate incompatibilities while at the same time learn from the youngsters to ensure we have the freedom to develop personal growth (by our own self if need be).