Podcast

The best thing that happened to me this month was when my son introduced me to "http://podcast.com". It all started when I had to download an audio book (borrowed from the library) so that I could listen whilst doing housework. To avoid all the hassle I can just download stuff from podcast instead.

I was indeed thrilled to find so much information and entertainment at the podcast website, ranging from religion, health, news & media to business, education and food, all of which can be downloaded for listening pleasure. Housework now is no more a drudgery.

Under religion alone, there are 12 sub-headings relating to different religions and spiritualities, each sub-heading again consists of perhaps another 10 sub sub-headings. One can now have an open mind and learn more about various religious teachings at a few clicks.

The news and media segment also carries articles from a long list of journals and magazines. Just when I was spoilt for choice, my son again introduced me to New Yorker under which there is a fiction section. In this section guest authors are invited to select a short story by another author, read and discuss it. Listening to these episodes reminds me I have read very little since I left school. It also reminds me that my sensitivity to literature has almost vanished. The review and discussions about the short stories help me appreciate them more, such that I would play back again. I hope this will inspire me to read more. Reading fiction provides insight into how life experiences evoke feelings and mould peoples' character and behaviour; which we can often relate to.

I tried to analyse why I have not read much whilst I was working. It could be because my mental energy (or for that matter my energy in general) is rather low. When weekend came at the end of a work week, I would prefer activities like shopping and watching TV which demanded less of me. I guess I found justification to rot after earning a week's bacon money.

My current situation is now quite different. I need to use my brains more to keep it active and alert. In addition I need to keep my language ability intact. Interacting with children often requires me to speak in a more simple manner. This does not help me improve my speaking and writing skills.

What a gem this website is for me!

Free

I spent last weekend at Desaru. Whilst sitting at the beach I wrote:

"Desaru is probably the first holiday destination outside Singapore for my kids. Yes it definitely is for there is a photo of myself pregnant with my son and my chubby baby daughter playing (with plastic pail and spade) on the beach. Fast forward 20 years and I am now sitting alone on the same beach. Husband has brought his mum and sis for a fruit farm visit nearby.

I see some children positioning their back against the incoming waves. This was what we loved to do as a family too. I am sitting beneath a neatly knotted thatched umbrella whilst the strong winds try to topple the plastic bottle I placed over my book.I am sitting on higher grounds, almost like a mini cliff. It gives me a good view of the horizon although I keep wondering whether there is anyone on the beach just beneath me and what they are up to.

I also wonder what my daughter is doing now, thousands of miles away. It is past 3am her time. Though she should be sleeping I know most often than not she isn't because to sleep early "is a mark of weakness" in Columbia. There, people are supposed to stretch their experiences in every aspects and have no time to waste in slumber. My son did not want to join us because he was just liberated from NS and is languishing in "being human" again.

Hmm...I feel so good with the wind sending my short hair on flight. The sea suddenly takes on beautiful hues, multitude shades of green. A bright, sharp, bluer than blue streak spans the middle of the sky between the horizon and the roof of cotton wool.

I ask myself "Do I love it now more than 20 years ago?" But I do not feel like giving further thoughts to provide an answer. Suddenly, a big ship appears in the horizon. Strange, how come I didn't notice it earlier. The strong winds rock the wooden chair I am sitting on, nudging me for an answer.

"I am enjoying myself because I feel free of attachment. Trillions of beautiful moments have been lost due to over attachment." Yes, over attachment to your loved ones, your identity & hence your job, your possessions, your health, your everything." (end of journalling)

Just when I was about to go back to my hotel room, a string suddenly appeared swinging and swaying before my face. I got up from my seat, got hold of the string, manoeuvred it (alternating between pulling and letting go), and traced it to a kite caught in one of the trees behind the thatched umbrella. Like a kid I tried to retrieve the kite but it was too entangled amongst layers of thick leaves high up on the tree. After some time I let go of the string and in a moment it disappeared, the wind sending it whirling up to be near the kite.

Of standards & subculture

In today's papers, Minister of Muslim affairs- Yacoob, bemoans the high incidence of dysfunctional families amongst the Malay community. Often in these families there is a missing parent, either in jail or drug rehabilitation centre, or arising from single parenthood out of wedlock. Then there is the problem of teenage pregnancy, teenage parents and divorce. His concerns arose from recent reports of deaths of kids from broken homes. He seems at a loss and in despair and says the Malay community needs to be "worried" which he doesn't feel is happening.

He also cited the low passing rate amongst Malay students in Maths at PSLE and seems at a loss after having provided more tuition and handing out more workbook etc.

Commenting on teenage pregnancey, he said " My take is this group of people do not live by our standards. They have opted out and have their own cultural understanding, where staying together with a non-married partner is accepted...This is not Malay culture, this is a subculture."

This article made me recall a case I had with a Malay girl who played truant and smoked. The school referred the family and the girl for counselling at the Family Service Centre. This girl does not come from a broken family. The ibu (mother) is a gentle woman in her forties and ayah (father) is a hard working technician of some sort. In the first session with the whole family, ibu cried and cried. Ayah sighed and sighed. Ayah said all he wanted of her was to attend school, stayed out of trouble and that the parents were not expecting her to perform academically. The girl remained silent, seemingly indifferent.

At a subsequent sesssion with the girl alone, she sobbed and sobbed.She knew how much pain she was bringing her parents. However she detested school and shared that she just could not follow in class.

Mr Yaccob is right "This group of people do not live by our standards". What is our standards? Our standard is: you need to pass PSLE Maths, just to be on par with the co-hort? Otherwise you are lousy. Otherwise accept that you are an under achiever and be prepared to settle for a lower paid job in life. And as long we also have standards for material needs, we will have a group of disillusioned people (who perhaps have aptitude in other areas other than maths and science) who then opt for the "subculture".

I think of a loveable 9 year old Malay boy in my school whom I am counselling. The last session before school ended he told me jubilantly he made a vast improvement in Maths because he worked hard on it. He scored 37 compared to 18 previously. I clapped my hands in delight. He told me however he failed English because he spent all his time on Maths. I know it will be quite an uphill task for me to sustain his perseverance for academic performance. I hate the day when he too becomes disillusioned and join the "subculture". I need to continuously instil in him that there is hope yet, standards or not.

Lofty ideas

This is a follow up on my earlier blog "Is the norm really existent?" wherein I mentioned about the book by David Smail. After further reading , I conclude this guy is a socialist. Basically he feels that a person is born to contribute to the social world, otherwise his life is meaningless even if he manages to fulfil all the needs that are dreamed of in modern society. Indeed much of our distress arises from the "preoccupation with ourselves and our needs". (This focus on private satisfaction is reinforced by the commercial culture). When reading this I link this rationale to that of the Buddhist concept of reducing self importance.

However I am puzzled how Smail operates as a psychologist when he is sceptical about the various approaches and techniques in psychotherapy. Does he preach such lofty ideas to a suffering client instead? It may work with certain clients I suppose.

Circus, horses, where do we go from here?

I have to record this so that in future I can reflect on how it will all turn out (if we live to see it resolved!)

With the Dubai saga (Dubai government and subsidiary asking for a 6 month moratorium for its US$ 59 b debt), everything seems bleak and dangerous yet again. Yes everything from Circus De Solei which Dubai World bought into to New York thoroughbred racehorses which the Sheik was prepared to pay millions for the top bloodstock.

So I want to recod the lists of "dead ends" which this article (Public debt threatens world economy) in BT describes, and then year/s down we can reflect how it all turn out:

Ok first the main fact is the world's 30 leading industrialised economies will see their indebtedness grow to 100% of GDP in 2010 (doubling the % 20 years ago). What this effectively means is all that is produced has to go to debt reimbursement.

Possible outcomes include:

1) Financial markets worries that government are unable to repay debt hence avoiding government treasuries/bonds which result in countries deprived of souce of financing.

2) Credit ratings of countries are lowered and countries have to raise the cost of borrowing(credit margin), thus enhancing their debt burden.

3) This so called "debt explosion" in an extreme case can cause a new wave of recession.

Possible solutions which are dead ends in themselves include:

1) The problem can be reversed if the countries return to robust economic growth which can then reduce the need of borrowing. However a weak recovery is forecasted by many.

2)The debt problem can also be reined if inflation outpaces rise of interest rates (hmm...not sure how this works). However inflation can curb consumer spending.

3)Yet another possible solution is to raise taxes and cut pubic spending. However such action may snuff out recovery.

See what I mean, all dead ends.

Nevertheless the world will still revolve come what may. As I told my kids, barring a war, come to the worst, we can still grow vegetable and sweet potato in our garden patch, raise a chicken or 2, collect rain water and stock up candles and huddle for love and companion. Lame!!!

Buying time or Giving it away

Last week visited my husband's close friend (in his late forties) who was diagnosed with stage 4 kidney cancer. Needless to say the conversation amongst the small group of friends took on a philosophical tone. But I just want to share some take away from the visit. The irony is this person does not smoke, does not drink, exercises regularly and has always been very careful with his diet and has no history of cancer in his family. Haven't we heard this before...sigh..

But 3 things to remember as pointed out by his nutritionist is that our body can not take 1) too much acid 2) too much sugar and 3) can not have insufficient oxygen. This friend reflects on his lifestyle and concludes that stress probably is the chief contributor to his illness. Again not the first time we hear this right. We all know that when we are stressed, acid is produced in the stomach, we hyper ventilate and of course we crave for that sugar rush to make us more effective.

On the way home in the car, I reflected about the conversation which drifted from stress to his current focus which is to buy back time ( as against having lost it carelessly earlier on). This is through a combination of treatment, right diet, exercise, positive mindset and spiritual support.

Suddenly I recalled a situation which is like an antithesis to his. There was this acquaintance whom I knew many years ago. Our paths crossed several times, from the time he interned when I was in company A, to the time I met him when he was auditing company B which I have moved onto and when he appeared again as a soliciting banker when I was in company C. He related to me an incident when he was driving. Suddenly a thought flashed in his mind that all he needed to do was to drive the car into a tree and all his work stress would be over. Fortunately something shook him and when he was himself again he was aghast at that momentarily thought.

When one perceives one has perpectual living to do, one may occasionally think of ending the "sufferings" that comes with it. Only when one is told one's days are numbered one fights to prolong it. When will we ever learn?

Is the norm really existent?

Yesterday I planned to spend the time between a lunch and dinner appointment in the NLB reference library reading up on 2 subjects, play therapy for children and Greece mythologies (to enhance my experience when I visit this coming December).

In the end I ended up spending hours reading the views of a psychologist called David Smail after stumbling across his book. He can be considered as one of the anti-psychiatry believers who think that at best psychotherapy only works when the psychotherapist becomes a friend of the patient providing encouragement and support. He feels that society is responsible for much of the distress and neurosis amongst people.I probably need to spend many more days in the library (the book is only for reference and not for loan) to understand fully where he is coming from.

In the first section he talks about the obsesssion in individuals about the norm or perceived norm (The Myth of Normality), often indoctrinated by tv commercials and the media. For example, I can imagine what the media tells us a normal family is like; gorgeous looking couple, smart and pleasant kids (sometimes including healthy and smiling grandparents) enjoying carefree moments together, be it relishing the fragrant rice, relaxing in a beautiful apartment filled with the fragrance of the right air freshener, enjoying the smooth ride of a saloon car or airplane, or for that matter smiling into a fridge filled with the freshest meat and green. Teenagers and youths too are supposed to be active, fun loving, good looking and smart. So you have slim and porcelain skinned girls swinging their sleek shiny hair, mucho men slipping into jeans and shirts, young and good looking people having fun and the time of their life together. What if your life does not seem to be like that? But no one wants to tell others their lives are not like that because every one else's life seems so.

A lot of distress, Smail says arises when people "are afraid they appear as 'abnormal' or even 'crazy'... Many people live their life in a kind of perpectually terrified comparison with a non-existent norm". He says many of us are really "very unlike what we are supposed to be" but "unless you have a lot of courage and strong belief in yourself, you are not likely to conclude that it is the norms themselves which are wrong".

This reminds me of a woman I engaged with whilst interning at the FSC, She told me she would not share her unhappiness with her friends not even with her own sisters. In her case she does not want her siblings to know of her misery living with a man who has violent mood swings because they appear as a wholesome family to outsiders. We are always so ashamed if we fall short of the perceived "norm". Perhaps that explains the power of "normalising" which is one of the things we do when counselling. For example, we tell people who are grieving a loss that it is alright to feel so terribly sad because that is part of the normal grieving process. Believe it or not people can also be distressed because they have perception of what they should NOT be feeling.

Smail posits three laws that if understood fully would save everyone a lot of anxiety:
1)"Absolutely everybody wants to be liked (law 1)

2)Everyone feels different inside (less confident, less able, etc.) from how they infer other people to feel (law 2)

3)Few honest and courageous people who have achieved anything of real value in life do not feel a fraud much of the time (law 3)"

I got to spend many more days reading this thick book with small prints.
(By the way the NLB's Lee Kong Chian Reference Library has so many reference books which are not for loan. So no worries that you don't know what to do when you retire. You may want to buy a HDB resale flat at the Bras Basah Complex just next to the NLB. In addition, the view at the high floors of the library is superb. You can see the explanade, the flyer and the 3 tablets of the IR (like Moses' tablets haha)).

Yearly Review

So this week marks the end of my contract with the school as a part time counsellor for this year. I was notified that whether my contract will be renewed next year depends on whether MOE allocates a part time counsellor to the school. If they don't, I stand a chance, but even then the school needs to apply for funds from the "School Cluster Supervisor" to pay me. You see that's the difference, part time school counsellors sent by MOE are under MOE's payroll and relieves the school all the hassle of applying for funds and administering the payment etc. Mysteriously enough, MOE recruits part time counsellors only from ex or retired teachers and trained them in 6 months under a crash program. They don't engage part time school counsellors from the work force.

So it seems an appropriate time for me to do my yearly review again. I review the options that may be opened for me next year:

a) part time school counsellor (got to search for schools with the funds)

b) part time social worker (the administrative details in handling financial cases scares me though I enjoy the counselling part of the job)

c) make a come back in the finance line (haha don't laugh, this ever crossed my mind.I have left the corporate world for more than 2 years now and I have forgotten the pain and only remember the money and the perks. But when my dear husband who seldom expresses his frustrations starts to grind his teeth in his sleep and becomes short tempered at times, I know it is stress from work and I tell myself I can do without).

I ask myself in all honesty what do I enjoy most during this period. Images not rationalisation answered my question. The quick footsteps and the happy face of one of my students that greets me, the cute bespectacled boy who kept nudging nearer and nearer to me at story telling and the tree drawn by one of my students which she said was me. I know my haven has to do with children. Even if I can't get a paid job, there are plenty of places where I can volunteer working with children.

"We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today"- Stacia Tauscher

Good Girl no more

When I was small I thrived to be praised by my mother. Amongst the 5 children in the family I was the most hardworking and apparently cared most about the family. So I not only did my fair share of the household chores and helping out in the shop but was also half a nanny to my younger brother. Perhaps only then could I distinguish myself and got my mother's attention and approval. But I did not carry out these chores with a smiling face, quite the contrary I used to pull a long face because they deprived me of much valuable time for play and homework. In fact I did not play at all and even today I don't really know how to have fun. If I don't do something useful I feel listless and moody. Now with the school vacation approaching I began to wonder again how to make myself "useful". This reminds me of an earlier blog where I questioned who I was actually trying to help when a student did not respond as if I was of help to him.

Today, however after a small incident that sent me into a whirlpool of reflection, I suddenly whispered to myself "maybe there is no need to be the "good" girl all the time. It is ok if mama had called me lazy, selfish and good for nothing". I do not need to apologize for being that. In my recollection I can count perhaps ony 2 to 3 times she called me that. Isn't that too high a price to pay for such an achievement?

With that thought I suddenly felt a huge relief. I gave myself permission to stop caring about certain things and felt no guilt watching a TV serial for hours.

Ain't I pathetic? But well, at least like an onion, I have peeled off one layer of skin to know myself.

Values & Attitudes of your Father & Grandfather

When asked what he felt were important values and attitudes youths in Singapore should have for Singapore to thrive and prosper, MM Lee in the NUS forum replied "You should have the same values and attitudes that your father and your grandfather had".

He is referring to the values of hardwork and the attitude to push very hard for success and success is of course in material terms, standards of living etc I presume.

Perhaps such values are appropriate for the country to thrive and prosper, but I may be a bit apprehensive for my children to adopt certain of my attitudes which were conditioned from childhood.

As I grow older, I can not help but admire the free spiritedness of some youths who work say for a year or 2, save sufficiently and then take another year or 2 off work to travel or stay at the remotest corner of the world or do something which they are passionate about. It is as if they worry there may be no tomorrow. For us, the baby boomers our lifelong belief is we need to provide for the perpectual tomorrow. Thus whilst we are conditioned to be afraid that there is never enough, we missed out on discovering that which may be most meaningful and ecstatic for us. (Ecstasy in Greek (ek-stasis) means to be outside the ego).

Maybe I am undergoing a second spring haha, but I feel this kind of "Just do it" attitude is also essential for holistic development. Otherwise the inner self may feel trapped and the banality of life may create an empty feeling.

Our Needs

I share with some students the 5 Basic Needs under the Choice Theory Reality Therapy. Basically it suggests that we have these needs in varying degree; but they are all essential for our well being. The needs include, Survival needs, Love & Belonging (can be met by pets too), Fun & Learning, Freedom and Power (which is self esteem, success or achievement). Choice theory explains that everything we do is chosen and every behavior is our best attempt to get what we want to satisfy our needs (Glasser). A basic goal of Reality Therapy is to help clients learn better ways of fulfilling their needs.

Thinking about it however, I wonder whether the theory is sufficiently comprehensive. Such reasoning may work for many but I think there are some people who seem to have met all the 5 or could have easily achieved them if so desired; but are still depressed or experiencing emptiness or void. The theory is a very practical approach and aims to help clients look forward, advocating that what they do and think impact the way they feel; and they have choices on how to behave and think. It is easier to control what you do and think than how you feel. So for eg. if a person feels depressed, the person can choose to say go for a walk as a first step to improve his condition.

The theory however fails to address the unconscious and the powerful influence of the unconscious on how we think and feel. A primary 6 girl once shared with me why she embraced a pop star such that she not only dresses like the star but even imitates her mannerism including trying to acquire the same ascent. She told me it was because she (my client) does not know herself ie. she does not know who she is (identity crisis). Perhaps this is what Jung has described as the struggle for individuation, "the conscious realisation and fulfilment of a person's unique being".
As Rollo May (psychiatrist/writer) puts it there is "the tendency of men to see only themselves in other people’s eyes.... The less self awareness a person has, the more he is unfree.The more he is controlled by inhibitions, repressions, childhood conditionings (which he has consciously “forgotten” but which still drive him unconsciously), the more he is pushed by forces over which he has no control. Freedom is man’s capacity to take a hand in his own development. It is our capacity to mould ourselves".

But to do that we must first of all build that inner strength and have a sense of direction, knowing what self-world stance (self with the world relationship) we want to take.

Rightly or wrongly I assured my young friend not to panic and that it is a gradual process as one grows and matures one develops a deeper self awareness and understanding of one's own values, beliefs and things that hold dear to one's heart, as well as how one wants to live one's life (the role one wants to play etc).

What I didn't tell her is: It may indeed be a very long process!

whose needs is it anyway

I have a student client who is in primary 5 whose mother requested for counselling because he seems to be affected by his parents' divorce. Teacher also shared that his work had slackened and he was losing confidence.

We are now into our 6th session. In the earlier sessions we shared literature about the anxieties and emotions which children of divorced parents usually experience. He was quite engaged. Beyond that he remained silent most of the time and if you were lucky you got a nod in the head or a monosyllable answer to your questions. (Talk about using open ended question in counselling!haha).

As is suggested by child specialist I then used various media, including art, superclay and even music to try and get him to share. He is quite absorbed. His face lighted up when we played the tambourine together. We imitated each other's tapping rhythmn. However when I proceeded with making a sound together with the rhythmn, he refused to make the sound when it was his turn to lead. Other than media and some pyscho education I seem to be facing a brick wall.

When you counsel an adult you can ask the person what he hopes to get out of the session so that there is a focus. In exasperation, I asked the child a similar question only to receive a totally silent response. At the last session I told him quite frankly the intention of the sessions are to help him address whatever is bothering him but "I don't feel I have helped you" if he remains silent. My remarks again were met with a sad look and silence. I then told him he has a choice whether to continue, half expecting him to jump at the opportunity to stop. To my surprise he said he wants to come. He says he feels better after each session. OK fine I will have to be really creative.

I then emailed the teacher to get an update. To my surprise I received quite positive comments about him being more focused and school work improving etc. Hmmm if the sessions did provide some relief then what the specialists say do hold truth; that both art and music provide a means of communication without speaking. Echoing the child's tune or beat sets up a reciprocity, in the process reassuring them and cheering them up.

Reflecting this development and my own actions, I feel I may be imposing my need especially when I said to him "I don't feel I have helped you"So whose needs are we talking about, his or mine; and mine being the need to FEEL I have helped.

Eavesdrop

Nowadays we were told to leave the doors opened at story telling sessions to address concerns parents may have about the content of the books read to the children (my own suspect is to ensure no religious influence). At the same time parents are allowed to sit in. At first I felt uncomfortable and played down any drama. I also become more conscious of my grammar just in case parents complain about my bad English. On the plus side, I can be quite encouraged by their amusement. There is this lady who seems so amused by my drama and is so easily tickled and laughs ever so readily. One of these days I am going to invite her to act as one of the characters in my story. Sometimes when I see the kids, especially older children or adults laugh at my jokes I break down in laughter as well appreciating my own jokes!

Yesterday a lady who remained ever so serious, sat at a corner of the room. She had a head scarf on, not worn in a fashionable manner, such that I wondered whether she is receiving chemeotherapy. She sat there reading unperturbed by the noise and laughter in the room. Occasionally she looked up and cast an expressionless look at us. She left some impression on me.

After each story telling session, I usually reward myself with a bowl of hot almond paste at a dessert outlet. Yesterday, there was this middle aged couple seated at a table next to mine. Their conversation was so interesting that I strained my ears to eavesdrop. Throughout, this guy kept asking intermittently the question "Why must he become a monk?", to which the same reply but in various forms "how I know", "you ask me I ask who" and " I wish I know" came from the woman. My curiosity was not satisfied as I never got further information beyond this exchange which I soon realised is more of self wonder and bewilderment by both. After a while there was a new slant when the woman exclaimed in exasperation " If he had said he wanted to be a doctor or lawyer would you have asked why". I sat there eating and thinking about the sick (my guess) woman who sat in at my story session and this couple. If this couple were given a choice between having a child who is sick and a child who wants to be a monk, which would they have chosen.

I also recalled my daughter relating to me the circumstances about one of her friends. Before this girl left for UK under a scholarship she had a boyfriend whom her parents disapproved of. Why? Because the boy was not good enough for her. It was something like the boy is pursuing a course which is not law, nor medicine nor business at a local U and is not ambitious enough or something. Subsequently they broke off and the girl fell in love with a Pakistani Muslim in UK from the same college. The parents being Christians are devastated and when she comes back for summer holiday encourages her to reconcile with the former boyfriend.

No matter how slow you take to finish a bowl of almond paste you can not pretend to linger on for long. As I left I just thought about the things we can learn just by reflecting what we see and hear, "be thankful" is just one.

Learning to be Alive

In an article in Mind your Body entitled "Put anxiety into words", Dr Douglas Kong, consultant psychiatrist at Mt E, explained that due to socio-cultural factors we are not expressive of our own feelings or do not have the vocabulary to express them. As such anxieties may surface through physical symptoms such as palpitations, breathlessness, insomnia etc. Thus people seek to reduce the symptoms by resorting to drugs, which only help in the short term.

In his book, "Man's Search for Himself", Rollo May, exixtential psychologist, talked about how people try to overcome anxiety through activity. "Many people keep busy all the time as a way of covering up anxiety; their activism is a way of running from themselves. They get a pseudo and temporary sense of aliveness by being in a hurry, as though something is going on if they are but moving, and as though being busy is a proof of one’s importance."

He goes on to advocate how we should try to be more in touch with ourselves and to have more self awareness in order to be really alive, "Along with rediscovering our feelings and wants, is (the need) to recover our relation with the subconscious aspects of ourselves". "Self awareness.....brings back into the picture the quieter kinds of aliveness- the arts of contemplation and meditation. It brings a new appreciation for being something rather than merely doing something".

He then goes on to quote Robert Louis Stevenson, "To be idle requires a strong sense of personal identity.”

I feel I can relate to the above, ie. how I occasionally fear being alone doing nothing because of some unexplained anxieties creeping up in me. I would then busy myself to avoid such feelings. I ascribe this to our upbringing where inactivity is perceived as uselessness and lack of importance; and the belief being subconsciously ingrained in us from young that we must work hard to survive (because as a small country we lack resoureces bla bla bla- hahaha blame the government for all your little ills).

I feel it is important for our young people to be given the chance to be creatively idle. It is sad that subjects like Art and Literature are not encouraged by some schools because they are subjects difficult to score. Somehow I am just worried our young people are too busy, multi tasking, balancing heavy workload (be it school or work) with clubbing and other pleasures, sacrificing even sleep to maximise each available hour of the day.

As for me, I am slowly learning to enjoy being myself. For instance I went swimming in a deserted pool yesterday. The touch of water against my body never felt so good.

Life's Progress

Next week looms gloomy. Daughter just flew back after summer holiday and son in camp. School breaks for a week. At times like these, with the whole week at one's own disposal, one should be feeling really free and lucky. The choice is unlimited, you can spend the whole week reading, following a exercise regime, shopping, visiting relatives, going for shows with your sisters, catching up with friends, blogging, planning for winter holiday, tidying up the house etc etc. When I was working I would have cried for joy, not only for the break but also for the lack of a work-burdened mind. The contemplation of a week alone does not seem so inviting to me now. Somehow I prefer company.

Looking back at my life, when I was an adolesccent I did not like company. I forced myself to join in activities with whichever close circle I happened to be in at every stage of my early life and did not really enjoy it at all. I moved with each circle just not to be deemed as being aloof. As Rollo May says in his book Man's Search for Himself, " If a person is alone very much of the time, people tend to think of him as a failure, for it is inconceivable to them that he would choose to be alone...."

But strangely as the years go by and I gain more independence of what I want out of my life and less interested in what people perceive of me, I feel more and more the pleasures of interacting with people; from the exchange of ideas and experiences. This warmth is more pronounced when I show concern and interest for their welfare like when I chat with parents of my young clients. In the early days after I resigned from my previous corporate job, I felt a bit disappointed when people abruptly dropped me from their mind once I was of no use to them (like a banker whom I thought was almost a friend but called not to bade me farewell or wish me well but to get tips to clinch a deal before I left). Now I respect different individuals as pursuers of their own goals and destinies and are of no consequence to me if we do not bond.

This then perhaps is what we call progress and growth, from a lone individual struggling to fit in with the crowd to one who is in the process of finding a centre within, which can support meaningful and warm interaction with others.

That silver lining

Counselling children calls for much patience and humility. On Mondays I have session with a child who needs help to manage his anger. For 2 consecutive weeks, I received feedback that "despite" a session with me, he still threw angry tantrums on that very day. I must confess I am not really trained on the special skills on anger management but is trying to help the child address his insecurity because I believe the child is trying to be in control through anger to overcome his fears. I do not wish to elaborate on how I reach this hypothesis. However these type of feedback from teachers very often cast self doubt on what you are doing. Sometimes I wonder shouldn't I be spending time at home watching stock prices and trading instead.

But yesterday was an uplifting day. That is the nature of this job. Once in a while when you feel like running out of steam something happens to lift you from your disillusion. Yesterday I had a chat with a divorced mother, with her son's permission and request. Just when the boy is overcoming his parents' divorce and regaining emotional stability, he now is disturbed by the frequent fights betwee his mother and her new boyfriend, also a divorcee with kids around the boy's age. The boy has become friends with that family and the boy has expressed hopes that a happy family will emerge from this relationship. So I called the mum expecting some negative and defensive behaviour. I was surprised that the lady was very receptive and appreciative of the feedback although she did defend her helplessness. She was told by her son that he likes me and can tell me things freely. Somehow I am quite lifted by this conversation.

Then there was another breakthrough. An abandoned child who has been hiding his pain and putting a "happy family" front was able to process his pain through play. It is believed that if a person buries his pain and grief, it will leave a deep imprint throughout his life. Therapy begins with expression of the pain in whatever way which the boy was unable to do for a long time. Yesterday I gave him freedom to play by himself using the miniature toys and figures displayed. I asked him to create a story using the toys. The story began as usual with a happy family circle with a little boy as the main character. As the child lost himself in the play, the story developed. The parents separated and lived far far apart. The boy with the help of a transformer chased after the father who was flying away in an aeroplane. "Why are you running away?" asked the boy and the transformer. Then the transformer helped him to locate his mother "Why are you hiding?" he asked his mother. Throughout I tried to remain quiet except for a few questions to prompt him on.

Later on I shared with the boy's teacher my belief in healing the hurt before addressing whatever behavioural problems the child may have. For once I found a teacher who shares the same belief. For once I was not bombarded with feedback about lack of improvement, be it still not handing in homework, still dreaming in class, still fighting bla bla bla. Instead we chatted about how heart wrenching it is to see how the poor children suffer in such adverse circumstances and encourages each other that whatever little we do it helps.

Yes it is not often we sight silver lining but in the rare moments when we do, it spurs us on to run another mile :)

BEING

Way back in 2004 to chalk up practicum hours for a diploma course in counselling, I volunteered at a parent support group for parents of some very low functioning autistic teenagers. We helped out at the meet-the-parent sessions, chatting with the parents about their children, organising some resourcing activities for them and interpreting the principal's messages for parents who don't speak English. At a recent gathering amongst my ex-classmates, I learnt that the mother of one of the autistic kid has committed suicide.

I remembered that amongst the parents, she stood out as one who dressed well, was very polite, chatty and often thanked us for spending time with them. Two other parents struck me with their way of coping which was through acceptance and religious support.

I observed that almost all the parents enjoyed their children, taking delight in moments when the child responds. No matter how slow the progress, any small improvement in engaging the child brings joy very much like any parent would watching their child master a new skill. The source of sadness however is wishing that the child will be like any other "normal" child, making a living one day etc. Of course, the worry about who will look after the child when they are gone hangs heavy; but I have a feeling even if that is taken care off, the pain is the pining for the "normal" child.

Recently, I have been reading a book on existential psychotherapy. Sometimes I am not sure whether I am getting the right meaning of what I read or just interpreting things my own way. Whatever it is, it does make me think a bit more.

I think to myself if each of these parents live say in a farm remote from social conditioning they may not feel so depressed. The so called "cure" for any neurotic symptoms in people tend to be focused on learning to adjust or adapt to standard mode of behaviour which is culturally accepted in society. This includes changing self beliefs to achieve that. Some are prescribed drugs to help in "adjustment", for example drugs are often taken by people to help then feel more relaxed in social settings.

Existential psychotherapy (if I dont read wrongly) aims to help the patient accept his own being, his own self. If he manages that or finds enough courage to do that, his anxiety about his place in the world may be overcome. Nietzsche, famous for his work on existentialism, encouraged people to be above the mores of civilization and choose their own standards. He also expounded important existential themes of freedom, choice, responsibility and courage.

Although existential psychotherapy has no relevance to my recollection of the parents, it somehow stirs my thoughts. If these parents can accept the fact that their children can be themselves, can be special, and that they do not need to be like any other child that the country or society expects of them; would the parents' pain be lighter? I wonder. Say if the child lives in a farm or some place far from the madding crowd, free to do whatever he likes, repeatedly or routinely if he so wishes; and supported by siblings and parents who accept him, would mother and child be less miserable? If only individuals can be individuals or have the courage to be.

Mind Tricks

This guy Gary Hayden that has a column in Mind your Body wrote an article relating 3 incidents when his mind played tricks on him. In the first incident, his mind was so fixed when he entered into a male restroom in a foreign country, that the absence of urinal and presence of pad disposal bin did not alert him to the possiblilty of it being a ladies' toilet. In the second incident, his mind conjured up a story to explain his appearance in a photo when the person was actually someone else. A third situation finds him subconscioulsy ignoring news about rising property prices but instead focusing on views about price bubble, because he has yet to repurchase a property having sold one years ago.

About the time I read this article, I was in a bit of a puzzle about a 8 yr old boy in school. The grandmother of the boy has requested counselling because the boy has a hatred for his mother and stepfather and has mentioned often he will kill them when he grows up. His biological parents are divorced and his mother abandoned him. He was physically abused by his stepfather when he was younger.

I like to encourage my children to help me draw their genogram at the first session. You'll be surprised how interesting they find it, eg. circle for girls and women, squares for boys and men and lines connecting parentage etc. As we draw we talk a bit about the family members. My young friend drew mother, father, grandma and him with 2 brothers staying in the same household. Mother works as a nurse, father works in factory, both come home late from work, hence nenek (grandma) takes care of the children. Also when he needs someone to talk to he turns to his father. Huh? Have I gotten the wrong file? I checked his name against the file more than once throughout the session.
When he further describes himself as a junior prefect and is doing well in his school work, I am convinced the child has very low self esteem and is hiding the truth from people. I know I need to work very slowly with him to gain his trust before he can revisit his past.

One way of getting children or even older clients to be in touch with themselve is sandtray therapy. From a wide array of small figurines and small objects the client is free to instinctively select some to tell their story. The child picked figures to represent his family. Again he picked himself, his mother and brothers and placed them very close in a tight circle. Clearly he 'forgot' his father. "what about nenek (grandma)?" I asked. "Ooh nenek I forgot" and then he picked up another female figure to join the close circle.

Hmm... I thought, maybe his family circumstances have changed, maybe his mother has returned to stay with them. Maybe deep down he still loves his mother which explains why he colours his mum in peach when drawing her. Peach he says is a happy colour for him. So I called nenek. Then the pieces began to fall in place. Nenek says the boy has started to call her 'ibu' (mother) after the mother left home. The person who works as a nurse is actually his cousin and the male father figure is her boyfriend. I shared this with my school counsellor and she says it is not unusual for kids to say things which is totally not the real facts.

Wow I really need to read up much more about child psychology (haha I have never been this diligent in my former job, reading up such that I can do my work a bit better). Reading Hayden's article jolts me to reflect that if a rational adult's mind can do tricks, what more that of a vulnerable child. I feel in this case, there are elements of conjuring, hiding as well as blocking. To reach out to a child's inner thoughts and feelings one has to be really patient. I have to remind myself often to respect the child's own pace and never to impose my own agenda in the process.

That posh apartment can wait!

Just in case busy people have missed the interview Cheong Suk-Wai had with Christopher Hsee which was reproduced in the Straits Times on 28th July, I am reflecting a bit on it. Prof Hsee says " The point is that to increase or maintain happiness, we should pursue events which are resistant to adaptation......Most social events are less prone to adaptation, so having pets or enjoying the arts gives us greater joy in the long run>".

The work of Professor Hsee from University of Chicago was cited at some length by Nobel economic laureate Daniel Kahneman in his lecture in 2002. Basically Prof Hsee distinguishes between 2 types of events, Type A and Type B event. Type A event has an absolute standard, ie. clearly good or bad for our well being. For example, a person may deem loneliness as an unhappy situation. Type B event on the other hand are relative, ie. based on social comparisons, like how big your diamond is as mentioned by the prof. He also says Type B event is hence a zero sum game, because "if everyone wears large diamonds, our average happiness will be the same as when everyone wears small diamonds". In addition events that we can adapt to easily loose their ability to bring joy. An example he gave is acquiring an expensive granite countertop in your kitchen. This type of event compares less favourably with events which are "dynamic and variable" (say keeping a pet or embracing an art form)and which can prolong the joy we experience.

Reading this article makes me reflect on my own pursuits. Of late the countless articles on properties prompted me to drop in on 2 showflats. I can not deny that the posh and luxurious interiors stirred my heart a bit, such that I began to wonder if I had continued working would I have considered jumping onto the bandwagon and then resolved to continue slogging hard for it. See it is less of "social comparison" as Prof Hsee mentions, it is more of MY real weakness for nice homes. Every time I come home from viewing an interior designer showhouse I will cast a sad eye on my abode with its run down furniture, clutter, mess and wondering what I can do to make it more like a resort home (but without spending money). If I have the money, I will buy a tastefully furnished apartment (need not be too big)fronting the sea. I wonder how long I will take to "adapt" to this joy before it fizzles out as per the prof, haha. But then again, if I have to slog to maintain this posh apartment, would I have the light frame of mind to enjoy it. See only when you are not stressed out by work, would you have that lightness and peace to enjoy moments like watching your cat sleep serenely beside you. The cat feels so safe and peaceful beside you whilst you are doing your stuff such that you feel both the cat and you are together just "being" and that is what is meant to be in our life. ( Crazy, see how I straddle between the material desire of wanting to "have" and to "consume" as Jung or Fromm put it and the philosophical spectrum of just "being" ).

But that is exactly what the dilemma or predicament is all about. For middle aged people like us who have been brought up to make sure there is sufficient financial security before pondering about actualisation or pursuits of personal interests, the question lies in how much longer will one live. Is it long enough such that I can pursue all these airy fairy stuff (including trying to put a smile on little faces)after my statutory retirement age? (By then I would have sufficient means to enjoy all that I want). Or would it be cut off abruptly such that there is no opportunity to pursue them or for that matter with health failing after retirement, the joy of whatever procured will be lost ? Hmm.... the dilemma. But of course if one needs to work until retirement, the best approach I think is to take it easy and not be too stressed up and think about how one can actually live humbly and enjoy Type B events like what I am doing now, me writing my blog whilst listening to tunes from "Middle Kingdom" and me and my cat experiencing our "being". Let me savour this awhile. That posh apartment can wait! As Vivien Leigh of Gone With the Wind said "I'll think about it tomorrow"

Life Images

Did some spring cleaning and came across my diary when I was 28. In it I found this passage: " There is forever one image in my life. I can see myself hands in pocket, collar over my neck, tracking the field of vastness, the swaying rushes enveloping me ".

Likewise quite a different scene has often flashed in my mind in RECENT years. In this image, a monk is sweeping the dried autumn leaves in the premise of a temple. Each sweep of the bamboo broom causes a little flurry which settles quickly in a heap of earthy leaves of various shades and crisp. The swish of the broom against the ground provides the monk the rhythm to engage with his work peacefully.

Do you have such images that flash in your mind like a scene from the movie? Hmm...I have (don't worry I am not hallucinating). I don't know how many change of scenes has occurred over these decades. Perhaps there may not have been any in between. See at 28, unattached and hence without a focus or distraction if you will, I was probably embroiled in existential quandary. Thus the feeling of stoic aloneness to brave a vast world of the unknown.

Fast forward, today's recurring image is probably a desire to reach contentment, a desired outcome from a long period of introspection. The stoic aloneness of the image of long ago is now replaced by the wish to acquire a quiet endurance and acceptance of whatever autumn may bring (even illness, loneliness, who knows?). Whilst both age face the unknown, the feelings are different. That perhaps is what they call "mellowing".

Yet another beautiful book

This afternoon I have a story telling session at NLB. Of late to save time I tend to select picture books with less words but with a good story line. A less wordy book needs less preparation as one can impromptu as one reads from the book. However for today's session I borrowed quite a wordy book but with lovely drawings enitled "Laura's Secret". So I kind of need to rehearse a bit ie. turning it more into a story telling rather than a half read and half story tell session. To save time I practice whilst doing housework.

Err...another child's storyline (so read only if you can spare the time) but can be quite inspirational. Basically Laura and brother spent quite a bit of effort and time making a kite. However at the park, brother was mocked and bullied by a group of school friends as their kite didnt take off. He was tripped by one of the bullies, fell and broke his kite. Both went home feeling sad and downhearted. Laura however has a secret. She talks to the star every night from her bedroom window. She shares with the star everything, her joy, her sadness and her hopes and she always feel good after that.

That night Laura asked the star for help. Nothing happened and she fell asleep. In the middle of the night, her room was aglowed with starlight. The glow not only filled her room but made her wide awake. Suddenly she felt the energy rush and she got up to repair the kite, mending it with much stronger material and drawing teeth to make the kite look braver and bold. On top of that she saw the star sprinking stardust onto the kite such that it shone in the dark as if like magic.

Next day she told her brother that believing in something, wishing and working for it hard enough could make it happen. (haha very cliche i know). Well how the story went was the kite flew so high that the string became too taut to hold. "Then maybe you should let it go...Maybe a kite as special as this one needs to be free". So they let go of the kite and Laura asked the kite to reach for the star.

You see a children book just like adult books needs more than one reading to feel the magic or essence. I think I want to purchase this book. It will be good for me to use with my child clients, if not to just cheer them up, may also sprinkle some "hope" in them. I often believe HOPE is so essential to catharsis and story telling is often a media used for child counselling to get them to choose their desired ending. Even I myself am lifted by reading this book (but of course I am always easily delighted by children stuff!). I think parents of toddlers must really read to their kids to inspire not only their imagination and creativity but to ground them in values, hope and the love of life. I wish I have done more for my kids. But even you adults, if you feel moody or neurotic or what have you, take a trip to the children's section of the library. I guarantee you, some of the books will give you a lift!

Teach them to Love

Chatted with an old friend who is now into his 70s. He had returned from a trip to his father's village in China. He lamented how closely knit his cousin's family was compared to his own in Singapore. Apparently he could feel the warmth and noticed how well his China cousin could communicate with his (adult) children. This affected him quite a bit when he returned to Singapore where differences lie abundant in his own family, especially in the way his grandchildren are being brought up. Throughout the years my friend has always been very proud of his children's achievement and they have not let him down. One of his daughters is accomplished in her own field and also married an equally accomplished surgeon. Problems arise when they threw wind to his complaints about the grandchildren's behaviour. Relationship starts to strain and communication is hampered.

Thinking about Life's 5 needs which I blogged about on 18 June I try to see what ails my friend. The 5 needs are survival (food, shelter etc), love, power, freedom (choice and independence) and fun. Perhaps when his opinion is disregarded he feels a loss in power ie. a loss of recognition and importance in the family. Also my friend grew up in a traditional extended family where showing respect means love. Thus his children's lack of attention or indifference may be construed as lack of love.

I have in my last blog talked about Frankl's subject of "having the past to live for" and "the meanings that have been fulfilled". I guess as we grow older we have to recognise we do not need to be so important all the time. We should recognise we have fulfilled them already.

But on the disparity between the circumstances around him and his cousin, I also empathise with his feelings. It is not unimaginable that the more successful the children are the less time they will have for their parents. So I remarked that his children holding such demanding jobs will tend to be rather stressed and highly strung. He cant compare that to life in a small town in China. Having said that however, I also feel the value of filial piety is not consciously taught or ingrained in our younger people in Singapore. I don't think this was taught in school (civics and moral education period often hijacked for exams preparation) and very few parents really bother to talk about it at home (myself included).

That reminds me of one situation I encountered. I was in a mrt train where I watched with amusement a young mother trying to hot house her toddler, a sweet little girl. She was pointing out the signs and advertisements displayed and explaining every new word to the child. The little girl is pretty bright and I am quite sure will be a RGS girl, hahaha. The mother gave me a smile and I realised I must have been smiling at the little girl. Co-incidentally we got off at the same station. Suddenly I have the impulse to follow them and tell the young mother "Your child is very bright. You need not worry. But don't forget to teach her to LOVE".

I debated within myself whether to follow my impulse. Something urged me to do it. In the end I didn't. To this day I wonder how the mother will react if I did.

Having a WHY to Live (contd)

Continuation from previous blog, passages from "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor E Frankl worthy of quote:

Another good analogy about meaning(s) in life which Frankl used is that of a movie with thousands of pictures, each has a sense and meaning. However the meaning of the whole film can only be understood at the end. He then posed a question whether or not the final meaning is then also dependent on the meaning of each situation in life. Thus the meaning of each suffering moment may not be understood but will soon unfold at the end.

Moving on to the subject of having the past to live for, he saw no reasons why people pity the old for their infirmities. "Instead, young people should envy them. It is true that the old have no opportunities, no possibilities in the future. But they have more than that. Instead of possibilities in the future, they have realities in the past- the potentialities they have actualized, the meanings they have fulfilled, the values they have realized- and nothing and nobody can ever remove these assets from the past."

"But today's society is characterized by achievement orientation, and consequently it adores people who are successful and happy and, in particular, it adores the young. It virtually ignores the value of all those who are otherwise, and in so doing blurs the decisive difference between being valuable in the sense of dignity and being valuable in the sense of usefulness."

Having a WHY to Live

Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl- This is truly a book worth reading. Frankl is a psychiatrist who survived but lost his wife and children in the holocaust. First part of the book he described the mental state and processes of the prisoners in the Nazi Concentration Camps, what kept them going and how characters changed under such severe physical and mental stress, suffering, and constant danger.

In second part of the book, he described his very own approach towards modern existential analysis which he called logotherapy. Basically it is a "meaning" centred psychotherapy helping the patient understands the meaning in his existence which will keep him going. I won't attempt to describe the book in a couple of paragraphs but would really like to pull out some excerpt which I find worthy.

Fankl frequently mentioned a quote from Nietzsche :" He who has a WHY to live for can bear almost any HOW " He observed that amongst the prisoners, those who found a reason to stay alive often survived, be it for a loved one who might be waiting, an unfinished piece of work or just the challenge of suffering proudly.

Frankl also expounded that in modern man, existential vacuum ( the feeling of void and emptiness within) often results in neurosis. Existential vacuum manifests itself in Boredom. As an example, he cited "Sunday neurosis", a kind of depression which afflicts people who feels the void when freed from the rush and rountine of the work day. In addition to mask this emptiness, the will to Meaning is often substituted with the will to Power or the will to Money, ie, taken over by the will to Pleasure.

Frankl described how he helped his fellow prisoners with this advice " We had to teach the despairing men that it did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. "

Not only is the meaning of life unique to each individual it changes all the time. He used a very good analogy that asking the question "What is the meaning of life?" is like asking a Chess grandmaster how to win the game. There is no universal answer. However Frankl believed we can usually discover our own meaning through 3 different ways:
1) creating a work or doing a deed
2) experiencing something or encountering someone ( like experiencing love, goodness, truth or beauty as in nature or art )
3) attitude we take towards unavoidable sufferings, for example that suffering has a meaning

" For the meaning of life differs from man to man, from day to day and from hour to hour. What matters, therefore, is not the meaning of life in general but rather the specific meaning of a person's life at a given moment. "

" What is to give light must endure burning. "

Viktor E. Frankl

Knowing & Rebalancing your Needs

Taking the free time to refresh my memory and to read up a bit more on counselling skills (for children) before I start work.

I thought it may be good to share William Glasser's theory of basic needs(American Psychiatrist who expounded the Choice Theory). They are;

1. Survival (food, shelter, health, sex)
2. Love & Belonging (love, friendship, company)
3. Power (recognition, success, achievement, importance)
4. Freedom (choices, independence)
5. Fun (laughter, enjoyment, learning, growth)

Whilst all of us are born to have these 5 needs, the degree of each need varies with different individuals. Thus the weightage that we place on each of these needs determine the choices we make in life. So if you value survival intensely you may not be comfortable to take too much risk. If you need to be loved you would be prepared to give more of yourself and so on. I guess knowing your needs bring about greater self awareness and the goals you pursue in life.

Recognising that we are programmed to have all these 5 needs will however serve as a reminder to rebalance occasionally, before being too carried away.

As for me I am not sure whether I am entering into second childhood. Reviewing my situation I conclude I do not have enough FUN probably, especially entertainment. Somehow I have always been putting entertainment under tight scrutiny of whether it is worth spending the time, like watching a silly but amusing TV program for instance. I guess it is high time for me to address more of this need!

Mulling in Beijing

Amongst many enjoyable moments during my carefree stay in Beijing, 2 mornings deserve further mention. Beijing has so many vast natural parks. After a few days of visits to tourist attractions, one morning I decided to take it easy and made my way to the nearest park to just sit down and read a book. Though the temperature hit 31 degree, positioning myself in a densely shaded area provides cool comfort in the breeze. I spent the whole morning reading whilst occasionally amusing myself with evesdropping. A group of 4 elderly men and women were playing some form of card game in the vicinity, spicing the quietness with occasional laughter and laments. Nearby a grandma and her daughter were playing with a toddler, delighting at his antics and bantering about his mischiefs. The sound of a Chinese flute wafted in the breeze. These 2 set of people were there at the same spot the whole morning . Though I have not stayed long enough to form a conclusion, my first impression after visiting this park as well as the one at Tian Tan and GongWangFu is that people seem pretty relaxed especially the elderly. Groups and groups are scattered all over practicing choral singing, dances, various chinese musical instruments not to mention the taiji groups and various other exercises. There were also many grandma and grandpa taking their grandchild (I notice all came with one kid) for a walk/run in the parks whilst amusing themselves chatting with their peer.

Although I must confess I do not frequent the parks in Singapore often enough, just by a proportinate estimate that BJ's population of 17 million is 3 to 4 times that of Singapore, I know instinctively our engagement in cultural activites in the park is absolutely rare in comparison. Maybe we practice indoors because we are more shy haha. Mind you quite a number are of very high standard. At Tian Tan I watched a choral group of 6 women who harmonised so well accompanied by a man playing erhu and their instructor who was the flutist as well. I sat at a bench next to them and had a morning of free entertainment. I often wonder whether having gone through various hardship including the cultural revolution from 1966 to 1976, these older folks now appreciate the peace they now can enjoy.

Another day found me at a deserted inner court of GuGong (The Forbidden City)wondering how many women wasted their lives in that court, which supposedly facing north east with its cold dampness, was meant for the forgotten concubines of the emperor. The trees which were hundreds of years old would have borne witness to the tears that flowed in these chambers. I wondered how they coped with life without a future. I imagined many would also have found a way to find peace within themselves through acceptance and living for something else worth living for.

On my trip back, I was reading an article in the Herald Tribune entitled "The Joy of Less" by Pico Iyer. He began with a quote from a young Dutch woman Etty Hillesum on the way to her death in the Nazi camp: "The beat of my heart has grown deeper, more active, and yet more peaceful, and it is as if I were all the time storing up inner riches...My (life) is one long sequence of inner miracles."

Pico Iyer then went on to describe how when he travelled to off beaten tracks, he noticed that the people he met who are mired in difficulties and often warfare seemed to have more energy and optimism than the friends he grew up with in privileged, peaceful Santa Barbara, California, many of whom were on their fourth marriage and seeing a therapist. The gist of the article is about happiness being the pursuit of what really matters ie. according to him happiness "arose out of all I didn't want or need, not all I did." Somehow when reading this article, my mind kept on seeing scenes of the old folks' contented faces in the parks of Beijing. I also wondered whether the forgotten concubines rationalised to arrive a similar conclusion to sustain their existence.

Second home?

I have been in Beijing for almost 2 weeks. The take away from this trip for me is to consider setting up another home outside Singapore. I think when we live in more than 1 country we will not only have more experiences but will learn to be more alert. This may perhaps help to keep dementia a bit further abay.

'Helping' my daughter moved into a friend's vacant apartment involved liasing with the local Chinese to set up facilities like utilities, internet etc. Their heavy BJ accent added to the difficulty in understanding the differences in the way things work. Moving around on my own, using the subway and taking buses, struggling to blend in so as not to be identified as "wai di ren" (foreigner), trying hard to differentiate between body lotion and shower cream (with my limited chinese) keep my mind active all the time. Needless to say one will be forced to learn Chinese to make life easier.

In Singapore, I would just drift into the MRT and instinctively turn right or left without the need to think. You go to the same shop or supermart to get your stuff and know which row and shelf holds the items you need. Life runs like a program within a 'comfort' zone. Most activities do not need much thinking other than new experiences actively sought after, like new jobs etc.

However in a new land, you have to be alert all the time. You wonder who you can trust and who you have to be wary of. You wonder whether the way you respond is impolite and you are observing people all the time. Even watching people in the park, in the streets, in the train set you wondering what their lifestyle is like and what values are most dear or detestable to them. In short it is quite refreshing.

So instead of being holed up in Spore, one can really consider downgrading into a smaller abode as a foothold in Spore and explore what is a good alternative to spend a couple of months a year outside for a breath of "fresh air".

ps. the bigget drawback in BJ is the polluted air. So BJ is not a good second home though the food is so cheap. Watching groups and groups of people practicing their dance, singing, all forms of martial art and exercise as well as just listening to people chat and enjoying the cool air underneath the shaded trees (yes even in summer) is so enjoyable though.

My Mommy is Magic

Last Friday I resumed story telling at the library after taking a 4 month break to concentrate on my studies and practicum. I prepared 2 interesting stories. When I left 4 months ago my audience consisted a mix of older children 6 and above and younger preschoolers. Used to be when I first started more than a year ago the audience was predominantly primary school children who enjoyed tales with twists and turns and would hold their breath when the story is exciting.

Last Friday only about 9 children turned up (which the librarian thought was due to exam period). What I did not expect was a majority of nursery and kindergarten kids who are Chinese nationals and whose command of English is rather low. The trouble is you can't really tell who your audience is until they walk in. There were however 2 older girls about 8 years old. I had to make my story easier to understand and added a lot of sound props and actions. I lost the attention of 3 younger children completely although I noticed 2 other China National girls who were very well behaved listening intently and trying to grasp the story.

Only the 2 older Spore girls liked the story. When I finished the first story I told the 2 older girls that there being so many smaller kids around I have to read a picture book. So I casually picked one from the books being displayed. It caught my eyes because the cover has a big drawing of a mother and a little girl and the words "My Mommy is Magic".

Little did I expect the magic of such a simple book with only a few words in each page. In the book a little girl speaks about the magic of her mommy because mommy kisses away the pain in her finger, knows what she wants to whisper in her ear, chases away the monster in her nightmare etc etc. Few words but when read with the right intonation and expression sparks the feelings of awe and love everytime we read together the last line in each page "Mommy is Magic". What was more surprising, even the 2 older girls seemed to enjoy doing that.

What I gathered from that session is that to have an enjoyable session for the kids, it does not necessary have to be a story that is content based. Something simple which the children can relate and which can stir the magical feelings of wonder will be equally good if not better. Being philosophical I just keep thinking it is the same with life. We do not need to pack it with interesting events or accomplishment all the time. Sometimes we can allow ourselves to dream and wonder at simple things like feeling the care shown us by our loved ones.

Only later did I realise with a smile, it coincided with MOTHER's DAY WEEKEND :D

Mother's Day- Reflection

Yesterday my husband's extended family went out to celebrate mother's day. My "elder" sister-in-law (wife of my husband's elder brother who is actually a year younger than me) was busy chasing her grandson round the restaurant. My sister-in-law is from a very different background as me. In my generation, in many cases depending on the academic achievement, siblings from the same family can land up in vastly different segments of society. My husband's elder brother was not good in his studies and hence worked as a fisherman, construction worker amongst many other occupation. To make ends meet, my sister-in-law worked very hard to supplement the family income. She brought up her 3 sons well and they appreciate her struggles(because their father used to gamble his income away). Throughout the years, we often heard from my mother in law about the troubles in that family and how my sister in law held the family together. Now things are much much better. My elder nephew is a policeman whilst the other 2 signed on with the army.

Yesterday when I saw my sister-in-law running after her grandson and her joy when inviting us to the ROM ceremony of her second son, I felt she really deserved all this happiness.

I now cast the scene to my family. I of course married late and my children have not even completed their studies. But the difference is more than that. My children, especially my son caution me against transference and projection onto others. So I am reminded to look for fulfilment in my OWN life and not through my children, ie. I should not feel happy or fulfilled only when my children are happy or fulfilled. In short I have to "regain the experience of myself...as the creative bearer of my own life" (Eric Fromm).

Goodness me, what a grilling! I told my children many women, especially Asian women center their lives on their children. I am not alone in having feelings which highly correlate with that of my children. Isn't that part of MOTHER nature? Ha, apparently that is what my children hate ie. when I always say "many people are like that too". They say I need to have more focus and determination to be different and what the herd does is not an excuse for being lazy to change.

Reflecting on what they say it is not without logic. I think whilst being a good mother is to bring up children to be wholesome and happy individuals (to our best ability and knowledge, don't kill yourself if you don't have much haha), we should also look to our inner self to find our own fulfilment. However if fulfilment is running after your grandson like my sister-in-law, just be joyful about it.

HOPE

Today whilst watching the programme "! Say- Episode 2 " which talks about leaders and people who show resilience in overcoming crisis, something which William Tan (the neuro-scientist who overcome polio to run marathon etc) stikes me.

He said he is blessed with one parent who " embraces HOPE...who shifts mindset from despair, pain and anxiety to HOPE "

I thought to myself this is the most valuable value which any parent can impart to their children. I know I did not. Often I was embroiled in anxiety and despair at the smallest obstacle and whined my way through my difficulties. Sigh....but it is not too late for me and my children (haha) to learn.

I also recalled during a few supervision sessions with my counselling supervisor and the consultant in the Family Service centre (where I interned), they asked me how I will proceed with my clients (after discussing "difficult" cases which I am at a lost). I remembered saying something to the effect of instilling HOPE in my client or making sure the client doesn't lose HOPE.

Going forward I shall use this as my guiding principle working with all my clients. (Yipee I am offered part time counselling job with a primary school starting new school term).

Other than meeting the child's goal, my modus operandi shall be:

To enable the child to feel good about themselves &
To enable the child to accept their limitations and strengths and to feel OK about them and

to share with the children the resilience of William and a phrase often quoted by him:
"Tough times never last but Tough people Do"

Roadmap to Financial Freedom

Whilst spending a leisurely weekend in Malaysia I came across an article which is quite funny (to me). Someone, let's called him "FC", a financial consultant related his response to a man, let's just call him "M".

M and his wife are both 38. M is a freelance management consultant whilst his wife is a manager. Both work very hard and travel a lot. They have 3 children ranging from 4 to 13. M wants to retire at 43, ie. in 5 years time because his very stressful career has caused him various health problems. M earns about MR300K a year whilst his wife earns about MR 96K a year. Their financial assets totals about MR 1.6 million and the networth of their property is around MR 400k The family's expenditure is around MR72k a year (see Msia's cost of living is really quite low).

Hmmm... this is the best part, M wants to retire at 43 whilst his wife will retire at 55 (wah what kind of husband is this?). They also want to reserve MR500K each for the couple's medical expenses and MR200K for their children's education. The question M posed for FC is whether he can retire at 43 assuming the couple's life span is 80.

This FC guy has a software called "Roadmap to Financial Freedom" (RFF). After inputing the data into the RFF, FC concluded that M's financial reserve will run out by the time he reaches 65. In order for him to retire at 43, M must work doubly hard to increase his annual income from from 300k to 600K for the next 5 years to make his wealth lasts until he is 80. (But he would probably spend the additonal income on medical costs- my own words hahaha) FC suggested that M compromises to retire at 48 instead. He can slow down a bit , ie earn MR250k a year instead of MR300k (slow down by 1/6th??? how???)

And then FC comes out with a better alternative ( I really love this) FC asked the couple to explore the option of the WIFE RETIRING NOW instead to take care of the children. He said if the couple can increase the return on their investments from the current 5+% to 8+% then the wife can retire now. The couple says that can be considered!!!( Huh my dear Mr and Mrs M, does the letter R for Risk exist in your dictionary?)

So, FC and Mr and Mrs M finally reached what the FC calls the OPTIMUM ROADMAP TO FINANCIAL FREEDOM which amongst other details include:

1) Restructuring their portfolio to increase the expected ROI (return on investment) to 8+%

2) M will slowdown and earn MR250K a year for next 10 years instead of MR300K a year ( ie. work 15 hours instead of 18 hours a day assuming the poor man only sleeps 6 hours a day- my own comments )and

this is lovely
3) Mrs M can stop work now to look after the children (even though it was Mr M who needs to retire early due to health reasons?)

and I also really love this concluding remarks from FC:

"By following their optimum roadmap to Financial Freedom, M and his wife discovered that the price to pay for M's early retirement was too expensive and it was at the EXPENSE OF M's health.....(huh?)..they know that M can take it easy in his current business (reduce work by 1/6 ?) and DOES NOT NEED TO RUSH INTO EARLY RETIREMENT...They can also afford to have the wife STOP WORKING NOW...They can really feel the sense of financial freedom now ( who "they" you mean her ? )...In short they have now become the master of their money and have not let money decide their lifestyle (poor M I wish you all the best).

You want to know my advice? All you woman readers if you wish to have access to FC and his wonderful RFF software, let me know and I will give you his details so that YOU can achieve financial freedom whilst your hubby works till he drops like what all men should. 3 cheers to FC!!!

To die so not to depend

In today's ST interview with suicide expert Chia Boon Hock, he made the following comment on the state of mental health here, "We live in a very stressful society where the costs of living are sky high. Singapore is a great place to live if you are young, intelligent, rich, successful, capable and healthy. But the average person isn't all that." Quite a strong statement isn't it? Maybe a bit biased because he is 73 years old.

Anyway he warns of higher suicide rate with the recession and job losses. He is particularly worried about the lower socio-economic level whose identity unlike the rich is not attached to their wealth but attached to being providers for their families. Another group of concern is the retirees who lose their savings and those who feel guilty about burdening their families. Hence he is worried about the legalising of euthanasia which may lead to the old folks feeling obligated to make an early exit instead of burdening their families.

This again brings me to ruminate about the "utilitarian" focus in life which seems to be very strong in our society. Somehow I feel this is reinforced by the government's relentless call for people to work as long as they can. Although the main intention is to keep the citizens' mind and body active so that they will be less sickly and do not burden public healthcare, the unfortunate negative message is one that brings on the feeling of shame and guilt upon the jobless and elderly dependents.

Mind you even if you have enough savings to support yourself and can actually choose to spend the whole day at your absolute discretion day-dreaming or whiling away the hours in idle pursuits, you can't run away from people's seemingly judgemental question, "So what do you do with your time?" Maybe it is my own sensitivity that the question is "judgemental". This may be due to my generation growing up in an environment that was in praise of usefulness (eg. in being able to help out in the family), receiving education in an era that churned out technocrats to get the country's economic engine grinding and now forewarned to shape up or live with the dire consequences of landing in nursing homes away from this city state.

So this guy is right to a certain extent. Unless you are really "rich, capable, healthy etc...." you will always live in fear of not having enough and will always be plagued with insecurity and inadequacy. Although both giving and receiving are acts of graciousness, I think people will find it harder and harder to be on the receiving end, even from their family.

As Henry Miller once said, “The dreamer whose dreams are non-utilitarian has no place in this world. In this world the poet is anathema, the thinker a fool, the artist an escapist..."

Interesting Readings

Sometimes when I read something interesting I need to jot down . "On Being Human" by Eric Fromm.

Extracts from Fromm's lecture on "The Psychological Problem of Man in Modern Society" :

(...Labour has become a commodity, sold on the labour market; under the same conditions of fair competition....Man has transformed himself into a commodity, and experiences his life as capital to be invested profitably. If he suceeds in this, he is "successful" and his life has meaning; if not, he is a "failure". His "values" lies in his salability, not in his human qualities of love and reason or in his artistic capacities. Hence, his sense of his own value depends on extraneous factors: his success, the judgement of others. Hence, he is dependent on these others, and his security lies in conformity, in never being more than two feet away from the herd)........

(What kind of man, then, does our society need in order to function smoothly? It needs men who cooperate easily in large groups, who want to consume more and more, and whose tastes are standardized and can be easily influenced and anticipated.)....

(As a worker, clerk, or manager, modern man is even alienated from his work. The worker has become an economic atom....seldom in touch with the whole product.....The meaninglessness and alienation of work result in a longing for complete laziness. Man hates his working life because it makes him feel a prisoner and a fraud. His ideal becomes absolute laziness...This tendency is reinforced by the type of consumption necessary for the expansion of the market....If I do not postpone the satisfaction of my wish...I have no conflict, no doubts; no decision has to be made; I am never alone with myself because I am always busy- either working or having fun. I have no need to be aware of myself as myself because I am constanlty absorbed with consuming).....

(This alienated, isolated man is frightened....The bureaucratic industrial system, especially as it has developed in big corporations, produce anxiety, first of all because of the discrepancy between the bigness of the social entity (corporation, government, armed services) and the smallness of one individual. Furthermore, because of the general insecurity that this system produces in almost everybody. Most people are employed and thus dependent on their bureaucratic bosses. They have sold not only their labour, but also their personality (their smiles, their tastes, even their friendships) in the bargain....

(For the psychiatrist, certain consequences of this situation are important. Man, having been transformed into a thing, is anxious, without faith, without conviction, with little capacity for love. He escapes into empty busy-ness, alcoholism, extreme sexual promiscurity, and psychosomatic symptoms of all kinds, which can best be explained by the theory of stress. Paradoxically, the wealthiest societies turn out to be the sickest, and the progress of medicine in them is matched by a great increase of all forms of psychic and psychosomatic illness)....

Needs Survey

I assisted the family service centre (FSC) carried out a needs survey of the 3 and 4 room HDB residents in the neighbourhood. Basically the objective was to find out the challenges faced by different age groups, the services offered by FSC that residents can make use of, and also to introduce the FSC and its services to them. It was not easy, many people just shoo you off, saying they dont need any. Clearly when you peeped into their flat where they are people sleeping on mattresses in the living room or where the whole house looks so cluttered and disarrayed you sense these are the families that can probably benefit most from the FSC services. Unfortunately these residents' needs will never be fedback.

Several things strike me as common among the twelve families I interviewed, although the sampling is small and is not representative. Amongst the 40-54 age group, not a single one has planned for retirement and old age. A common remark passed is they are struggling and at best just managing, how then can they save or plan. When asked further when they intend to start retirement planning, all said when their children are independent. Needless to say the challenge almost all say they face is the fear of losing their job or, for cab drivers or hawkers, not earning enough to pay the mortgage.

Amongst the group above 54 years, what is quite fearful is quite a large number are having health problems and hence medical cost is of great concern. Diabetes, hypertension and cancer are medical conditions some of these people contend with. No wonder the government is worried.

Almost all parents with young kids are worried because their children are lagging behind or not doing well by their standards. So free tuition is the most needed service. Parents seem more worried about children's studies than their character buidling. In almost all the families that I interviewed none of the parents have time for sports or exercise. Quite a handful say if they have the time they would rather catch up on lost sleep.

All in all, perhaps 3 out of 12 families do not seem to have any issues and are doing fine.

The saddest encounter is a mother whose daughter is in jail and kept on asking whether FSC could help petition for shorter jail term. I also encountered a sad father who almost threw me out of the house. I was interviewing the wife when the husband came home. When told by the wife about the purpose of my visit, he told me the FSC was useless and could not help and could I please leave and dont waste everybody's time. It turned out that his son and daughter-in-law had sought counselling service from our FSC about their marital problems several years ago all to nought. His son now divorced is a bitter man who takes to drinking and the whole family suffers as a consequence. I was quite peeved because I was half way through and was doing fine with the wife. Fortunately I used my counselling tricks of being empathic. This was especially useful when I found out the man was Cantonese. So I said to him in Cantonese I can see how painful it was for him and his wife bla bla bla without defending the "uselessness" of the FSC. Wah, once you speak their dialect, it works like wonder and especially when I told them I was volunteering. Then he started to apologize in between his rantings.

These encounters again impressed on me how difficult parenting is admist the joys. Even as a child grows into adulthood, the child's struggles and pain will always be a thorn in our hearts. Whilst doing practicum at the FSC, all my 6 clients are parents. Except for 1 case, parenting was not the presenting problem. However in all the other 5 cases, the mothers are sad and fearful of the impact the presenting problems have on their children's development. Coming back to the Cantonese man, I told the Cantonese couple to adopt self care and remarked that they can not carry their children's burden forever. Sound advice which I should also practise sometimes but finding it so hard to follow (hehehe, false prophet)

Anyhow about the needs survey the FSC did something stupid. As a token of appreciation, they issue a key chain in the form of a $1 coin attached to a chain. Apparently you can use this for the trolleys at the supermarket instead of using a real coin. After explaining the wonder of the key chain to the interviewees, most will just utter some mild words of thanks whilst looking at the "useless" key chain desolately. One man however broke out into loud cynical laughter, "I where got need trolley, where got money to buy so many things"

Brain Drain into Futility

At the talk show with Jay Leno, Obama talked about putting the best brains back into engineering, science, teaching, etc.

(MR. OBAMA: Well, and part of what happened over the last 15, 20 years is that so much money was made in finance that about 40 percent, I think, of our overall growth, our overall economic growth was in the financial sector. Well, now what we're finding out is a lot of that growth wasn't real. It was paper money, paper profits on the books, but it could be easily wiped out.

And what we need is steady growth; we need young people, instead of -- a smart kid coming out of school, instead of wanting to be an investment banker, we need them to decide they want to be an engineer, they want to be a scientist, they want to be a doctor or a teacher)end of script

To think that for so many years the best brains went into creating toxic assets, froth and bubbles that fell like a pack of cards. What a waste of beautiful minds, all in the name of good pay and the good life. Do these people really get satisfaction apart from what their money can buy? When I think of this I can not help but relate it to the great loss of intellectuals during the Cultural Revolution in China that set back progress for a decade.

Having said about putting the best brains to good use, how about stretching the brains of our typical young person in Singapore. How many Singapore youths really have a quest for knowledge beyond their narrow scope of studies for exam or for a vocation. It is quite frightening how little they know or care to know. Maybe my opinion is biased because my experience is mainly with young people from a disadvantaged neighbourhood school. I hope so.

Vocation?

Gotten my 100 practicum hours!!!
And... would be finishing my final assignment soon. Fortunately it's the last assignment because I have reached saturation point in essay writing. The fatigue of writing sets in and there is no more oomph which was present when I first started 18 months ago. Having said that I know I will suffer from withdrawal syndrome after a while. I will be longing to attend lectures and learn new stuff even if I don't miss doing assignments. Of course there is still a lot more counselling skills which I intend to pick up but the courses or workshops are not cheap and I have to be selective.

My internship with the Family Service Centre (FSC) is ending soon and when asked to consider either full or part time employment with them as a Social Worker(SW), I turned it down. The scope of a SW includes case management, running programs for various target groups like youths, senior citizens & parents, organising events etc. All these in addition to counselling which is what I am really looking for. I envisage case management will see a lot of cases seeking financial aid too.

After turning down the offer, I began to wonder whether I was being spoilt. A pure counselling job is not easy to come by unless you start your own practice. Even school counsellors are involved in programs, talks and workshops. So am I being unrealistic? Will I ever have a vocation or am I unable to work under somebody again?

So beware, as you grow older you may become less flexible and less adaptable. That is partly the reason why I quit two years ago. I knew if I wanted a switch it has to happen when I am still young enough to acquire a new qualification.

Well, if luck is on my side, I may be employed as a part time school counsellor at a primary school near my home. My boss at the FSC is really nice and referred me to the principal. There is however a hitch. Staff sent by MOE will be paid by MOE, any other staff whom the school wishes to employ will have to come out from the school budget and also needs clearance form school superintendents. Since school budgets are quite limited, the school can afford only if my charges are within their means, so I was told.

Blur blur, I hinted to the principal I did not mind getting same rate as part time school counsellors sent by MOE. When I checked with my classmates and fellow holders of Masters in Counselling, they told me we should be paid more than the MOE part time counsellors because those fellas only have diploma after a six month intensive training by MOE (but of course they are ex or retired teachers and principals and are supposed to be familiar with student problems). Anyway my classmates asked me not to spoil the market hahaha.

Whatever lah, there are lots of people who volunteer at charities without being paid. If people can do that I guess I can accept less if the job suits me. What more it is only a 5 minute walk from home. So I am keeping my fingers crossed the school will manage to get approval and is also not so poor that it can't afford to engage me. Otherwise I will be thrown into a dilemma again whether to do it as a volunteer! (Sigh I was hoping to build up some small fund to enter the market again and have some excitement. I have not dared to look at my portfolio for a while haha)

The Rainbow Connection

I have a client who is an autistic child in Secondary 2. She is extremely good in English and Art. However she needs a lot of guidance in social etiquette and interaction. She can burst into tears and can be very distressed over minor irregularities and disturbances from classmates and her younger sister. Her classmates have been told and reminded to be tolerant and to treat her nicely. In fact she has a few buddies who take good care of her.

During our sessions I will get her to draw to share about her feelings and kind of guide her in responding to people she interacts with. Very often whilst drawing, say for instance cartoon characters she may create a storyline and enact the characters through speaking in different tones. Today she imitated Kermit the frog which really was so like Kermit that made me laughed. "Oh do you know the famous song which Kermit sang?" I asked her. "Yes, the Rainbow Connection" she replied.

Unfortunately she didnt know the lyrics, so I sang imitating Kermit's voice. The lyrics are as follow:

"Why are there so many
Songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side
Rainbow's are visions
They're only illusions
And rainbows have nothing to hide
So we've been told and some chose to
Believe it
But I know they're wrong wait and see

Someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me"

"The sense of being connected to something beyond the ego has a healing effect…. And that connection with the soul of the world is the source of wholeness and renewal."- David Tacey on thoughts of C G Jung

(Ego - centre of our conscious identity and selfhood)