Teach them to Love

Chatted with an old friend who is now into his 70s. He had returned from a trip to his father's village in China. He lamented how closely knit his cousin's family was compared to his own in Singapore. Apparently he could feel the warmth and noticed how well his China cousin could communicate with his (adult) children. This affected him quite a bit when he returned to Singapore where differences lie abundant in his own family, especially in the way his grandchildren are being brought up. Throughout the years my friend has always been very proud of his children's achievement and they have not let him down. One of his daughters is accomplished in her own field and also married an equally accomplished surgeon. Problems arise when they threw wind to his complaints about the grandchildren's behaviour. Relationship starts to strain and communication is hampered.

Thinking about Life's 5 needs which I blogged about on 18 June I try to see what ails my friend. The 5 needs are survival (food, shelter etc), love, power, freedom (choice and independence) and fun. Perhaps when his opinion is disregarded he feels a loss in power ie. a loss of recognition and importance in the family. Also my friend grew up in a traditional extended family where showing respect means love. Thus his children's lack of attention or indifference may be construed as lack of love.

I have in my last blog talked about Frankl's subject of "having the past to live for" and "the meanings that have been fulfilled". I guess as we grow older we have to recognise we do not need to be so important all the time. We should recognise we have fulfilled them already.

But on the disparity between the circumstances around him and his cousin, I also empathise with his feelings. It is not unimaginable that the more successful the children are the less time they will have for their parents. So I remarked that his children holding such demanding jobs will tend to be rather stressed and highly strung. He cant compare that to life in a small town in China. Having said that however, I also feel the value of filial piety is not consciously taught or ingrained in our younger people in Singapore. I don't think this was taught in school (civics and moral education period often hijacked for exams preparation) and very few parents really bother to talk about it at home (myself included).

That reminds me of one situation I encountered. I was in a mrt train where I watched with amusement a young mother trying to hot house her toddler, a sweet little girl. She was pointing out the signs and advertisements displayed and explaining every new word to the child. The little girl is pretty bright and I am quite sure will be a RGS girl, hahaha. The mother gave me a smile and I realised I must have been smiling at the little girl. Co-incidentally we got off at the same station. Suddenly I have the impulse to follow them and tell the young mother "Your child is very bright. You need not worry. But don't forget to teach her to LOVE".

I debated within myself whether to follow my impulse. Something urged me to do it. In the end I didn't. To this day I wonder how the mother will react if I did.