Our Needs

I share with some students the 5 Basic Needs under the Choice Theory Reality Therapy. Basically it suggests that we have these needs in varying degree; but they are all essential for our well being. The needs include, Survival needs, Love & Belonging (can be met by pets too), Fun & Learning, Freedom and Power (which is self esteem, success or achievement). Choice theory explains that everything we do is chosen and every behavior is our best attempt to get what we want to satisfy our needs (Glasser). A basic goal of Reality Therapy is to help clients learn better ways of fulfilling their needs.

Thinking about it however, I wonder whether the theory is sufficiently comprehensive. Such reasoning may work for many but I think there are some people who seem to have met all the 5 or could have easily achieved them if so desired; but are still depressed or experiencing emptiness or void. The theory is a very practical approach and aims to help clients look forward, advocating that what they do and think impact the way they feel; and they have choices on how to behave and think. It is easier to control what you do and think than how you feel. So for eg. if a person feels depressed, the person can choose to say go for a walk as a first step to improve his condition.

The theory however fails to address the unconscious and the powerful influence of the unconscious on how we think and feel. A primary 6 girl once shared with me why she embraced a pop star such that she not only dresses like the star but even imitates her mannerism including trying to acquire the same ascent. She told me it was because she (my client) does not know herself ie. she does not know who she is (identity crisis). Perhaps this is what Jung has described as the struggle for individuation, "the conscious realisation and fulfilment of a person's unique being".
As Rollo May (psychiatrist/writer) puts it there is "the tendency of men to see only themselves in other people’s eyes.... The less self awareness a person has, the more he is unfree.The more he is controlled by inhibitions, repressions, childhood conditionings (which he has consciously “forgotten” but which still drive him unconsciously), the more he is pushed by forces over which he has no control. Freedom is man’s capacity to take a hand in his own development. It is our capacity to mould ourselves".

But to do that we must first of all build that inner strength and have a sense of direction, knowing what self-world stance (self with the world relationship) we want to take.

Rightly or wrongly I assured my young friend not to panic and that it is a gradual process as one grows and matures one develops a deeper self awareness and understanding of one's own values, beliefs and things that hold dear to one's heart, as well as how one wants to live one's life (the role one wants to play etc).

What I didn't tell her is: It may indeed be a very long process!