BEING

Way back in 2004 to chalk up practicum hours for a diploma course in counselling, I volunteered at a parent support group for parents of some very low functioning autistic teenagers. We helped out at the meet-the-parent sessions, chatting with the parents about their children, organising some resourcing activities for them and interpreting the principal's messages for parents who don't speak English. At a recent gathering amongst my ex-classmates, I learnt that the mother of one of the autistic kid has committed suicide.

I remembered that amongst the parents, she stood out as one who dressed well, was very polite, chatty and often thanked us for spending time with them. Two other parents struck me with their way of coping which was through acceptance and religious support.

I observed that almost all the parents enjoyed their children, taking delight in moments when the child responds. No matter how slow the progress, any small improvement in engaging the child brings joy very much like any parent would watching their child master a new skill. The source of sadness however is wishing that the child will be like any other "normal" child, making a living one day etc. Of course, the worry about who will look after the child when they are gone hangs heavy; but I have a feeling even if that is taken care off, the pain is the pining for the "normal" child.

Recently, I have been reading a book on existential psychotherapy. Sometimes I am not sure whether I am getting the right meaning of what I read or just interpreting things my own way. Whatever it is, it does make me think a bit more.

I think to myself if each of these parents live say in a farm remote from social conditioning they may not feel so depressed. The so called "cure" for any neurotic symptoms in people tend to be focused on learning to adjust or adapt to standard mode of behaviour which is culturally accepted in society. This includes changing self beliefs to achieve that. Some are prescribed drugs to help in "adjustment", for example drugs are often taken by people to help then feel more relaxed in social settings.

Existential psychotherapy (if I dont read wrongly) aims to help the patient accept his own being, his own self. If he manages that or finds enough courage to do that, his anxiety about his place in the world may be overcome. Nietzsche, famous for his work on existentialism, encouraged people to be above the mores of civilization and choose their own standards. He also expounded important existential themes of freedom, choice, responsibility and courage.

Although existential psychotherapy has no relevance to my recollection of the parents, it somehow stirs my thoughts. If these parents can accept the fact that their children can be themselves, can be special, and that they do not need to be like any other child that the country or society expects of them; would the parents' pain be lighter? I wonder. Say if the child lives in a farm or some place far from the madding crowd, free to do whatever he likes, repeatedly or routinely if he so wishes; and supported by siblings and parents who accept him, would mother and child be less miserable? If only individuals can be individuals or have the courage to be.