Who holds our destiny?

Perhaps it is an overdose of TV soap opera or the eerily close relatedness to a fiction I am reading or perhaps the newspapers are carrying past year reviews which brings about a reflective year end mood. It keeps me thinking about how decisions and their resulting actions can be so life changing. It is quite scary to imagine that life would be quite different if you have gone to school A instead of school B or that you have chosen this discipline instead of that or that you have joined this company instead of that or that you have remained single instead of being married  or that you have 3 children instead of 2 . It makes me wonder whether we actually shape our life literally by each decision we make (carefully or carelessly) thereby writing a life story which could easily have been  a very different one as well. On the other hand  it could be the hand of  Destiny which actually creates circumstances that make us choose certain paths in life thereby playing out the destined life. Could that be why some have relatively smooth lives whilst others struggle throughout?


Do we listen to Shakespear's "It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves" or John Lennon's "There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be..."

To me both hold truths. The family we were born into, the conditioning throughout the years, our body constitution coupled with certain karmic inheritance (if we believe in it)  play a significant role in where we are and what we are now. However the good news is we can choose how we want to react in each situation. Thinking through the potential consequences we then go on to make decisions in our best judgement and with good intention. Should the outcome disappoint or  fall short of expectation despite many trials, we must then summon whatever inner wisdom possible to decide how to react. When we watch a drama or read a novel it can be quite startling how characters chose to react in manners so detrimental to their well being. If only we can be as clear when living our own story. 

So on this new year's eve, I will resolve to remember Viktor Frankl's famous quote: "Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

What they may like and may not yet have?

It is a tradition in my family of origin to have a gathering around Xmas, right from the time when my parents were around and when none of us were Christians until today when 3 out of my 5 siblings are. Used to be, presents were bought for my parents and the children. Now, we only get presents for the children's children, and what a headache it is.

I browse around the toy departments of big stores and find it hard to hit something which my grand-nieces/nephew may like and may not yet have. Setting a budget of around S$25 per item proves to be really constraining. So a small Playmobil set may be interesting but recalling a picture on facebook showing my grandnephew sprawling on the floor amidst what looks like a complete array of vehicles and helmet-wearing figures in a complete "Men at work" set, made me replace the toy on the shelve.

How about a book for my grandniece going to K2 next year? Surely one with glossy colourful pictures should be delightful. Then again, I always wonder what her tablet consists. Or is it Kindle she already possess which probably fulfills her reading needs right up to JC ?. Oh but don't I love those pop-up books which were so costly that I never got to buy any for my own children when they were toddlers. Come to think of it some of the things I bought for my kids when they were growing up were actually things I missed and would love to have if I was young again. So I must never fall into this mistake again but of course things available today don't even exist in our wildest imagination then.

Maybe just being practical and buying some stationery sets may solve the headache. Now the problem arises deciding which brand they want, is it Hello Kitty or Angry Bird etc etc? Again I had to forgo this idea after recalling one incident. My daughter was once invited to a birthday party of some rich primary school classmate. Again at a loss of ideas and falling into the "what I wanted as a child" trap I helped her buy the biggest set of Faber Castell colour pencils available. My daughter reported it was the present the birthday girl gave the least "glance' time.

OK the final straw came when my niece who just gave birth to a baby girl posted on her facebook a picture of the baby next to the iconic Tiffany box and the comment "...'s first Tiffany" (from daddy).

Out of impulse I commented "Level of satisfaction correlates with degree of 'want'. Let her have the chance to enjoy 'Tiffany' when she is older".

Avoiding the Stops and Starts

French philosopher Descartes' famous quote "I think therefore I am" may now be pushed aside by facebook to " I share therefore I am". (Today's ST Opinion page has an interesting article entitled "Living a Life of Stops and Starts"). In it the writer describes how his friend, a famous actor was often approached by passers by to have a photo taken with him so that they could share on their facebook. The actor offered instead a short chit chat instead of a photo whereby these people can discuss what they like or dislike about his show. Though taken by surprise very few walked away happy. They just wanted a photo with him because as the writer concluded "to have" or "to possess" (the photo) is necessary in order to "share". People need "documentation" first and "experience" later.

I really like the way the writer describes how with technology we are now "putting ourselves and those around us on pause in order to document our lives". Why "Stops and Starts"? Well, every so often in the midst of doing something the phone alerts you to a message or email and habits have it that you need to steal a look., hence the stop. Then you got to restart or resume. Needless to say, the writer quoted Obama's selfie as an example.

O course I am also one such culprit. At times when trying to capture a special moment there arises a quick dilemma in my mind whether to just experience it (before it lapses) instead of possessing it on a flat screen. When I attended my son's convocation we were seated at a vantage point where I could capture the scroll receiving handshake. However in my great desire to possess the picture and anxiousness not to miss it, I only saw this through the small pinhole of my iphone! From the photo I will never be able to get the feel again, sigh...

I am quite certain all parents feel the frustrations of their children texting and fixated on their devices  at meal time or during conversations. Oh but now even baby boomer are equally fixated. So it is not uncommon to see baby boomer grandparents with their children and grandchildren at a restaurant communicating with their ipads (for the toddler) and iphones etc for the rest. Perhaps only the presence of a 80 year old mama or ah gong can bring back some sanity and communication into the dining table.

The article however ended with an optimistic note about a rising trend where teenagers feeling the shortcomings of technology now begin to demand real conversation with their parents. It quoted an example of a 14 yr old teenager telling her "device-smitten" dad, "Dad, stop Googling. I don't care about the right answer. I want to talk to you.".

I guess for a start we have to set good examples for our children.

Those Unlabelled

Susan Boyle, the singer who shot to fame in the TV show Britain's Got Talent announced that she has Asperger ( a condition where the sufferer lacks the ability to pick up social cues thus making social interaction a challenge). She describes how her condition has subjected her to a lot of bullying in her childhood. She hopes that "people will treat me better because they will have a much greater understanding of who I am and why I do the things I do." This was apparently after she almost suffered a breakdown because of the worldwide attention she had drawn.

Now most people have character traits that are peculiar to themselves, some of which if less socially acceptable and out of the behavioural norm will be labelled by the American Psychiatric Association as a mental disorder in a guide called the DSM.  Asperger is often described as a high functioning form of Autism.  However if you think about it many people may have semblances of behavioural traits similar to those labelled as disorders in the DSM. It is just a matter of the extent ie. ranging from slight traces to strong "symptoms".

What keeps me thinking is Susan Boyle's hope that people will treat her better now that they understand she has Asperger. So why do people become more empathetic towards a person if they know he (or she)  is suffering from a labelled mental disorder. Does another person who just misses the diagnostic criteria of the DSM by a small margin and hence is unlabelled deserves less sympathy? Do we therefore have to be understanding irrespective and how do we develop this kind of empathy universally?

Maybe we have to fall back on what makes a person, his body constitution and DNA, his past and present conditioning, memories and experiences that give rise to his perception, thinking as well as develop his habitual energy (习气). 

In the children's home where I do sandplay therapy there is a pair of sisters whose age gap is about a year. Although both have similar experiences from a dysfunctional home, the older one is more matured and caring whilst the younger one is rebellious and described as self centred. Hence the younger child is not well liked and this reinforces her hostility and needs for attention. (Honestly, it is quite challenging not to dislike her). One wonders why she is so different from her sister. However as mentioned in the previous paragraph, if one will to ponder about her being a middle child, her being always a shadow of her sisters (the pair has an elder sister being put up in another centre and 4 younger siblings as well), her being a bit dyslexic, her temperament being perhaps less suitable for institutional living, one can cultivate greater sense of empathy. Of late I was told even the elder sister has started to act out, probably because mum is bringing their eldest sister (the firstborn) from the woman's shelter to live with her whilst the remaining kids stay put at the children's home. This goes to show how changing circumstances continuously change experiences shaping new feelings and perceptions.

Of course such empathy should also be cultivated right from home. So if my husband refuses to dispose of unwanted items and  make our garden almost like a jungle, I think about how our garden may resemble the farm in his happy childhood kampong days. Thus I am learning to turn my attention away from the undergrowth and focus on the young mangoes starting to sprout on the mango tree.

Apps for download

So I have been using the Chinese dictionary a lot to pre-read the text prior to each Buddhist class. It is quite a time consuming process. For certain characters where the reference radical is not obvious, it may involve several trials to get the right radical where the word is listed. One night feeling the strain, I remarked to my daughter how great it would be if there is a software where I can just write the character on the screen and its pronunciation and meaning will pop up. She thought for a moment and said it could well be available. It took her less than 5 minutes to locate the Pleco Android and helped me to download it on my handphone. The software allows search for the Chinese character through either writing on the screen or selecting the radicals. I was amazed. What I deemed as a fanciful wish has all along been available.

My daughter asked me to try it out by writing any Chinese word. So I wrote 我 on the iphone and immediately ' wo' appeared together with its meaning ( "I or me", "we or us" ) as well as suggested phrases linked with 我; where just a touch will give further meaning. I was really thrilled and diligently continued with my readings whilst marveling at the ease in looking up the difficult words.

When I finally closed the text having "played" enough with the new found toy, I thought to myself that attending this Buddhist class has really forced me to learn Chinese. However on deeper reflection I realised that whilst my Chinese has improved I may not have progressed very far in Buddhist concepts. It occurred to me that the first character I instinctively wrote when trying out the app was 我. Hence 我 is still huge in my subconscious mind, a sure sign that attachment is still strong.

My fanciful thinking now wonders whether there is an app currently available to help in my awakening to the Buddhist concepts. It again may not be that fanciful, for in Zen Buddhism enlightenment can be sudden. It is there for download.

Objects that say Singapore

Today's Sunday Times has an article entitled "50 objects that say Singapore" ie. objects which over the years can tell the history of Singapore. Amongst the 50 items listed I could relate most to 3 of them.

When I returned to Singapore after spending more than 10 years in KL where my father had a tailor shop, my siblings and me had to put up at various relatives' homes in Singapore. For more than 2 years we pined for a home of our own. Heavenly bliss came in a small envelop (like the one shown in the picture) containing a set of keys to a new 2-room rented HDB flat. This was the best set of home keys I had ever received. I don't even remember being half as happy getting keys to progressively bigger homes over the years after getting married. The HDB envelopes must have really lighted up many many faces over the years. To me it deserves top spot in our history.

The second object triggered an amusing memory. Many many years ago when my daughter was in primary school, to celebrate National Day the Straits Times held an art contest whereby kids were asked to submit drawings with Singapore as the theme. Now I had never been a mother who bothered to encourage her children to take part in contests, least of all art contest. However my daughter was pestering me for a Tamagotchi which was the rave of the day. 50 tamagotchis were to be given away by ST for winners of the contest. I told my daughter who always hovered between a pass and a fail for art to try her luck. We put our heads together on what it must take for her drawing to attract the judges' attention, knowing if she drew a national day parade hers would be the first into the garbage bin. It must also be a drawing that saw little difference between that of a talent and an untalented. So we agreed that she should draw a durian because it's Singaporeans' favourite food, because it is least time consuming to draw and also the only thing she was capable of drawing. So amongst the 50 little drawings that appeared in the papers, the durian was the only one amongst national day parades, fireworks, etc. Aha! after so many years our idea is validated by ST today and chosen amongst 50 items that say Singapore.

And least but definitely not last, it's my husband's favourite, trustworthy and never failing "Good Morning" brand hand towel. He has been using this branded towel since the day he first learnt to wash his face in the morning. I think my husband deserves a loyalty badge. No other lush and soft imported towels can replace this 祝君早安 towel. I think it is more than just being cheap (S$3.50 for half a dozen) and lasting as he claims. Unknown to many, it probably has a far more significant value. It perhaps provides an assuring presence every morning in a shifting world, it touches your face and greets you with a comforting "Good Morning" before you walk out to meet the changing faces of Singapore.

More than one starting point

During the Singapore Writer's Festival I attended a rather interesting presentation by 2 British comic creators. They shared some tricks in getting creative ideas to write a comic, which I think is equally applicable for writing a children's book.

For example a story can be created just combining a random object with a random activity. As an illustration they asked the audience to pick one object and one activity. Someone shouted "comic" and another person shouted "football". In just minutes the duo came up with a story about a comic book being coveted by all the statesmen in the world. Whoever possesses it will have supreme power. The world leaders gathered for a meeting and agreed to pitch each other at a football match to decide who should have the book. They then created humorous descriptions of the Queen of England playing against other world leaders which the audience could kind of imagine how funny the caricatures will look.

Ideas could also be derived from researching into the extraordinary and weird stuff. As an example they got from the London Underground information on  things left behind in the trains by commuters. Amongst the unbelievable lists include stuffed eagles, real eyeballs, dentures and a 14 feet boat. Interesting and funny scenes or stories can be created just imagining the circumstances when the owners of these objects left them behind.

Watching the duo's presentation makes me think how I have always been a linear thinker. To me there must always be 'a' starting point upon which one builds on in progression. So if I think of writing a children's book, I will first think of an object eg. a cat. Then I will imagine how cats normally behave etc. It didn't occur to me there can be multiple starting points. It strikes me how limiting linear thinking is. I think it is the same with single approaches towards things in Life. Well used single approaches based on generally accepted norms or cultural habits should sometimes be reviewed against alternatives. It may open another world.

Living by Examples

Reading about other people's experiences in the papers or on the net often provides a yardstick for our own way of living. Is this necessarily beneficial?

For instance when I read remarks made by the wealthy self-made CEO of Serial Systems that he has no qualms in financing his children's education up to 40 years of age! it assured me that I am not spoiling mine by financing their post grad studies. Similarly, when the papers reported a judge's decision that S$15K a month is sufficient to maintain a wealthy wife in a divorce case, it gives me a reality check on what fraction of that is required for my own un-lavish retirement.

Now I am disturbed that I can not rely on my own judgement and always need assurances from knowing that others are doing this and  not doing that or that an average parent allows this and disallows that etc, etc. Living by the social norm, is this even necessary at this stage of my life?

On the other hand being exposed to the experiences of the younger generation does provide some new paradigm. However I always wonder what actually holds me back from a less "normal" lifestyle. For instance you hear about this guy, a hedge fund manager who gained financial independence at his late 20s and instead of accumulating more wealth or building a more successful career, goes away to live in various pockets of the world. Now I analyse why I would seriously never do that no matter how much I fantasize about it. Fear of uncertainties, lack of sufficient examples, inability to leave the comfort zone, lack of confidence and  too much family attachment; these are the various factors for not  leading a more adventurous lifestyle; and not just in terms of territorial but include other vocational aspects of life as well.

Whoa what am I rambling and rambling this morning? Maybe suffering from the influence of a novel. Pardon my continued rambling. Sometime my mind is so spongy. I can read a book or watch a tv drama and at night dream I am a character in the story. Scary. Some novels are so well written that it describes so subtly and aptly the feelings and thoughts of certain characters that strikes notes in your own heart so vividly. "Hey that's exactly how I feel" you may say and "I would never have found these words to let Myself know the true 'Me'." At times like these, it is really good and therapeutic to know you are not alone; for
Here's an example of Me.

Aging

An uncle in his 80s suffered a stroke and had to be hospitalised and subsequently transferred to a community hospital for step down care. Now amongst the relatives of my parents' generation, I regard this uncle as the most rationale, most reasonable and open minded. However the illness had taken a toll on him such that he began to exhibit suspicious, sensitive and less tolerant characteristics which are so unlike him. He was also emotionally distressed as the stroke had affected his left mobility. His brains could also have been affected  to bring about such changes in behaviour. It is quite disheartening though to see the change overnight.

It brings to mind how unprepared we may be to face the inevitable degeneration of our body. Even for one in his 80s and who had enjoyed relatively good health for more years than an average person, one can still never accept a body that stops functioning as well as it used to be. Apart from encouraging him to think positive and focused on regaining his mobility and independence through diligent physio therapies, do we need to advise him that some impairment is inevitable as one ages?

There is this strangeness about growing old. Sometime I "feel" younger than my looks. When not reminded by aches and failing eyesight and memory etc, one actually doesn't feel one is older because one's thoughts are very much the same as when one is younger. In fact if one spends a bit of time looking at oneself in the mirror one may be taken aback by the disparity between the actual appearance and what the mind perceives of one's age. This is why one may get a shock when physical problems arise especially when they occur suddenly. This is especially so if the mind unaffected by the illness remains alert and "young" and finds it difficult to accept that one has become incapable and dependent on others. There may also be an underlying fear that immobility may lead to further social isolation and loneliness. As it is, loneliness is already felt when no one in the family seems to truly understand oneself.

Perhaps it is necessary to start training ourselves to be constantly aware of our body, our feelings and our thoughts. If like a bystander we can observe how these affect one another we may stand a better chance of being more prepared for aging.

Penang

A free hotel voucher and cheap budget airline tickets find me and my husband on a cab from Penang airport to a beach hotel. We were told it had been raining for a week as dark clouds loomed. In the distance, mist and clouds hung over the hills in the horizon. It didn't strike me that Penang was this hilly during my last trip maybe close to 2 decades ago. Penang is really more scenic than I thought. As the hills provide a continuous backdrop and as the cab passed some old Chinese schools with the old school buildings still intact,  I begin to understand why some Singaporeans from Penang are still so attached to their homeland and alma mater. I recalled how before my own alma mater in KL made room for the Paragon shopping centre, I would visit the school every time I visited KL. Even after the Paragon was up I would still pace the road, telling myself this back entrance to the shopping mall must be where the gate of Primary school was and this cafe inside the mall must be where the canteen  was.  Perhaps this is what they called "roots" and strangely enough as a person matures the roots can take on more significance just as the roots of plants grew thicker and deeper.

Though the hills are now dotted with highrise condos and the esplanades have taken a modern touristy polish with restored buildings beside highrise ones, the island does not lose being rustic. Georgetown is still dotted with narrow streets lined with shop houses, old colonial mansions and clan associations. There are plenty old coffee shops and street stalls with very very good hawker food. I particularly enjoy having meals under zinc roofed joints with a huge tree right in the middle where the zinc roof was cut to accommodate its trunk. I like the idea that the tree whilst providing the shade watches how humans indulge in simple pleasures.

I guess it must be heart warming for people of Penang origin to be able to go back to their hometown once in awhile and find those places edged in their memories remained little changed. In fact I read in the papers about the intention to build a Hakka tulou 土楼.  Such cultural focus is amazing. And even if some places are no longer there, there will still be the looming hills and its landmark temple that tie the heartstrings of its people.

Does the MBS sky-park tie ours? Maybe the manicured Botanical Gardens will be the last straw!

The art of listening

Sometimes when I reflect on a session which I had with a client, I want to kick myself for not giving a more appropriate response. All the useful things I could have said come flooding upon me after the event. Why didn't it occur to me at that moment? Why was I so dumb struck? Am I inadequate? This usually happens on the day of the session.

For every session, case notes have to be made for record and reference. I usually do that a day or 2 after the session. That means I will be looking through my scribbled notes, recalling, reflecting on the process of the session and recording the main take aways. A more objective mind takes over and I realise that apart from the perceived useless and stupid responses, there were also some helpful and comforting ones.

It has been said that "the art of counselling trumps knowledge and intervention. Knowing what to do is of little value if trust hasn't been fully formed." Finding the right verbal response is not important. What is important is what the clients hear and take away. What is the use of saying the right thing if the client is not hearing. This is especially so for children who are continuously being talked to by teachers and parents. For them it takes more them words to put the message across. Besides every individual is unique and one intervention does not work for all.

For children staying in a home away from their own homes, the emptiness can be gnawing.  Sometimes it is enough just to listen quietly and feel with them.

Follow this woman

Earlier in the week I had tea with a friend who is semi-retired to explore "what to do with the rest of our lives". Though both of us are doing some volunteer work we feel a lack of structure in our lives. Yes I am still feeling a bit listless, and yes despite the fact I have so often remarked there is so much to do, to read, to learn, to enjoy bla bla bla.

Now the news about Ms Yellen taking over the job as Fed Chairman will probably stir us further. Hey, Ms Yellen is 67! Not only will she be the first woman to hold that post, she will undoubtedly be the most 'followed' person in the world. I recalled when I was at my corporate job, I not only had to read news about Greenspan's statements but also to read commentaries which analyzed his statements. These analysts would read between the lines, behind the lines, the words omitted, his facial expressions, intonations etc etc to try and arrive at the real intentions behind Fed's policies. Now this Yellen is known to be a communicator who believes that the public should be clearly aware of the future-policy of the Fed in order for them to be effective. Like most woman she is apparently very thorough, carefully researched and prepared. Apparently she is known to be less rigid or hung up about short term targets as long as the policies alleviate unemployment, and as long as the long term targets are aligned. Wow! It will be interesting to watch how analysts report her statements. Probably no more shrouded mysteries that need to be pieced and unraveled. Yay for woman vastness and largesse!!!  And hey she cooks and hikes as well (oh God she puts me to shame). But of course she also has support from her husband who is an econ nobel laurette and son who teaches econs in Warwick (hey must also ask my son to gate crash his class. May get some tips which affect market directions). Apparently her dinner guests must talk economics! Well if at 67 her mind is so avid and working so brilliantly, we, years her junior, can't hide behind the excuse of a fraying aging mind to be laid back.

I think you would have guessed. Our discussion over tea led us no where beyond "let me know if you have any good idea" But then you see, Yellen has a passion for economics. So first of all we have to discover our real passion, if any. Not only will Yellen be most followed by the market but I am sure by many many women in the world.

Greed- A lesson well learnt

I have to describe in detail a lesson I have learnt on momentary greed. So one early morning I came across an article in the newspapers where the writer warned that the way one stock, Asiasons, had rocketed 50% overnight was ridiculous. The stock had started to ram up when news broke out that it was acquiring some oil and gas company in the US. The writer mentioned that the target company's Balance Sheet was in pretty bad shape and that the price earning ratio of Asiasons was trading at over 500 which made it more overpriced than even the frothy dot.com companies in their heydays.

Now Asiasons was one stock I had held some time back on a roller coaster ride before disposing it with great relief and some small profits. When I read the said article early in the morning I thought to myself the stock price would surely plunge that very day after people read about it. So I thought I could make a quick buck by selling short (sell naked and cover by buying back later). I was so sure I could outsmart some fools and make some money. I knew that I had to do it fast, real fast. However I had never carried out a short sell trade before. Nevertheless I was so carried away with the idea of gaining from what I thought was prompt information that I quickly logged on to my trading platform. The stock had closed at $2.72 the previous day and I almost clicked the short sell bottom for 2 lots at $2.72. However it occurred to me that I may need to get permission from the security house to short sell. So I called up the AM in charge of my account. Unfortunately she had just stepped out but her colleague assured me I could short sell but I need to cover up within the day (because I have not signed up for share borrowings). I was delighted , but even as we spoke over the phone the stock had dropped very very fast from $2.72 to $2.52. I thought to myself if the stock could move up almost a $ in one day it could drop just as much and I would have no problem covering the short position within the day. So my right hand just clicked and I short sold 2 lots at $2.55.

That morning saw my heart beat double its normal rate (well it was a long time since my last visit to Genting and no Genting trip had caused half as much excitement cum panic). Instead of dropping (which I was so convinced it would), the stock was steadily climbing. In less than half an hour it had climbed back to  $2.62 when my remisier called back. Her colleague had told her about my call and she had noticed that I short sold 2 lots. She told me to be careful because the stock was controlled by some players and the volume was not high; meaning it could be more difficult to cover. I told her I probably would have to pay a bit of tuition fees for my first short sell transaction. So the price yoyoed the whole morning and I was glued to the laptop screen. I couldn't do my normal chores and I was so unsettled that I couldn't even  read the newspapers. What more I couldn't have the peace of mind to prepare for the story telling session in the same afternoon; and yes I forgot I had to leave the house at 2 pm which meant I had less than a full trading day to cover my position. Just one hour before I had to leave the house, the stock suddenly jumped another 10c and more. Gosh did I panic as I watched the price climbed. In the end I was forced to buy back at $2.70, incurring a loss of over 350 bucks.

Now I have paid to learn a few things about myself and about greed in general:

1) I certainly do not have the fearless composure of a trader or a gambler
2) I am too emotionally attached to a trade ( as a reflection of my cleverness or foolishness ) to view the situation objectively
3) I can not stomach big losses or rather my heart isn't game for such thrills
4) Because of greed, I lost a whole morning of quiet and calm reading as well light-hearted moments preparing for the afternoon story telling session
5) Because of greed, I was really not my normal self. It was as if I lost control, my head was tight and tense and I was muddled.

After this episode, my AM called me to enquire whether I would like to start a share borrowing facility. With that I can borrow shares and need not cover short positions within a day. She got to be KIDDING!!!   I thought the $350 well spent to gain awareness that I am not cut to be a trader. It was also a $350 well spent to experience the ills of greed in general, a lesson most useful to reflect upon when encountering greed of larger scale in future.

Comments on my last blog

My tribute to our great leader (from a  小人物's perspective) in my last blog actually kept me thinking for quite awhile. Even as I penned the last sentence of my previous posting, I was thinking that I could have been rather superfluous with my comments. At the back of my mind I thought it was not a single visionary man that made the difference in this country but really a visionary man backed by a good team. Well, it was his birthday and people can be excessively loving at birthday parties, especially a 90th year one.

I enjoyed Rachel Chang's article in yesterday's ST entitled "Weaning Spore off the Great Man leadership style".  She described it well when she cautioned that we should remember "our founding fathers-plural-..." in how they backed their leader with loyalty, without desire to usurp power and striving with a common purpose. She continued to remark that this "Great Leadership Theory" which believes that the "innate intelligence" in civil servants enables them to take on any portfolio, has manifested dangers. She felt that the legacy of this Great Leadership Theory "has narrowed our minds" and stunted the citizen's  belief in their own ability to bring about changes. So when things go wrong the government is expected to answer for it and to find solutions.

Now being a real  小人, I can now blame my own narrow mindedness on the Government and the social construct it has created :(

Jokes aside, a bad workman can not blame his tools forever. At my age, I jolly well get cracking to be more aware, ask more questions, try to think broader and deeper, though it is really not that easy to change a shallow thinking habit at this age. This country should really run a university for senior citizens offering courses like political science, social studies and other humanities subjects at low tuition fees.They owe us this last chance to broaden our minds after conditioning us to narrow economic modes of unquestioning utility thinking, don't they?

Happy Birthday

Today is LKY's 90th Birthday. For the past few days there has been lots of tributes in the papers on his achievements in transforming Singapore.

Though I am not like the LKY-adoring "grateful old" of my parents' generation (having been influenced by the critiques of the Gen X and Gen Y), just 2 things which drew my attention lately have made me sufficiently appreciative for all he has done for our country.

First is a mundane report that the Malaysian Government is relaunching an effort to spruce up Kuala Lumpur's Klang River. The article describes how unbearably filthy and smelly the river is that even pedestrians avoid taking the footpath along its banks. When I read that I instantly recalled how 50 years ago I used to suffer the stench when accompanying my mother to the Central Market at KL. My sister's school was also located at the Old Klang Road which was parallel to the Klang River meandering from Port Klang to KL. In my childhood memory the brown waters of the river which seemed to stretch forever was a landmark when visiting my sister's school. I can't believe that 50 years forward, the conditions of the river is unchanged if not worse, having been described as "between critical and bad" by Gareth Jones of Wessex Water, a UK based company. Can you imagine if Singapore has the fortune of such a river, it would have been made into a tourist hub of miles of alfresco dining and water sports. Looking out from any building along our Singapore River is enough to make one proud and grateful.

My daughter just met up with a college friend who is a Malaysian working in KL. Though we read in the papers about the frequent crimes in Malaysia, it only strikes you as very real and rampant when heard first hand from the locals. The girl narrated several incidents that happened to friends and relatives eg being slashed on the neck when opening the car door just parked outside a condo, another needing a cornea transplant when the car's front screen was smashed before his very eyes and robbers who wait no time to cause grievous hurt. Hearing all these accounts make me postpone my trip to KL, something which I often used to do to reminisce my childhood. Now KL seems to me a lawless city, a cowboy town without a sheriff.

I used KL to compare with Singapore because it is very real for me, ie. I could have ended up in KL if alternative decisions were made some decades ago. It also pains me to see how conditions have deteriorated in this idyllic town of my memories. No one would have envisaged how vastly different the 2 countries have become. It just takes one visionary man to make the difference and in the lives of many.

My struggle with Chinese

Having completed 5 modules of Fundamental Dharma Course in English at the Sagaramudra Society I had to wait until next year for them to conduct the Dharma Progressive course in English. It would be the first time they will be conducting the progressive course in English although they have conducted the course in Chinese for several years. Just to accompany my sister-in-law I enrolled myself in the Chinese Progressive Dharma course.

I was really apprehensive as to how much I would be able to gather from the class given my limited Chinese knowledge. However I was inspired when a Chinese educated classmate (who attended both the English and Chinese Fundamental courses) related how she diligently went through the English text, looking up the dictionary, before each English class. So for 2 lessons now I did much the same looking up the Chinese dictionary to understand the Chinese text before attending class.

However I think there is a difference here. I am not sure whether it is a fair statement coming from an English educated background, but I really think it is harder to understand Chinese just by looking up the dictionary, word for word. If you ignore the English grammar construction, once you find out the meaning of the unfamiliar words you can probably guess the meaning of an English text. The same can not be said of Chinese. Many times I still don't get the meaning even after dutifully and diligently looking up each difficult word. This is especially so when the text is in the form of verses, given the economy of words in Chinese verses and multiple meaning even for each word. However such frustrations can change to delight when the teacher explains the meaning of those verses in class and you can not but marvel at how apt and concise those few words are in each line. You also find yourself rather stupid trying to read word for word when at times you should be reading 2 words or more together to get the meaning. (But of course a good dictionary would certainly help) Still it does take me quite awhile sometimes to realize that the 2 or 3 words together actually refer to the name of a character or a place!

Tough though it is I am beginning to enjoy it. In fact I am now beginning to wonder at the vast treasures I have missed not knowing this language. I guess when I have better mastery I wouldn't be so lost. Hopefully with a bit of hard work and perseverance;
Iwouldknowwhentolinkwordstogethertoknowtheirmeaning  as in reading English

(Also it has been said that learning a language is a good way to keep dementia at bay)

Volunteering, Why Me?

A writer to the forum page makes a good attempt to analyse the lack of volunteerism in Singapore. She cited 4 possible reasons being :
1) people are too weary and what little time left besides working is needed for recuperation
2)we are brought up with the "every man for himself" mentality
3)the "new rich" always feel poor compared to the"super rich"
4)the feeling that every other person is doing well given the high ranking of almost everything in our country, be it health, education, safety, housing etc.

Whilst I think the first reason certainly plays a part, I doubt the prevalence of the mentality cited as the second reason. I believe most people have empathy for the less privileged but may feel they do not have the time or resources to help.

Now the third reason may have some degree of validity. Just turning the pages of the newspaper filled with pictures of luxury homes, cars, bespoke kitchen/bathroom fittings, travel destinations, expensive enrichment classes, fine dining etc can possibly make one feel poor and "hey there are countless rich people who can help". In fact sometimes I do wonder whether the likes of the Philip Ng,  (named richest man in Spore) will give instruction to his PA to write a cheque when reading about people/families who met with misfortune and in need of financial help. You see on some occasions when I write a cheque, I tend to wonder the appropriate amount (eg. if the medical bill of someone amounts to half a million, all it takes is 500 people to write a $1,000 cheque or a few rich guys to settle the bill). Should "what you can afford" be taken in the context of a sole donor or an estimate of the possible number of donors.

As for the 4th reason postulated there could be some validity as well. Sometimes when you are bombarded with all the good things happening in your own country, you do have this feeling that everybody is well and happy. In fact one may even feel out of place to feel low/moody when everyone else (especially in face book, haha ) feels on top of the world.

The writer then went on to suggest that corporates take the first step to involve their staff in volunteering. lessening any initial discomfort when carried out as a group. I also feel that only through volunteering and being involved will one become more aware of the help needed out there.

In Buddhist teachings, making an offering also helps one to be less attached to one's belongings thereby practicing detachment. As such it is not about the fairness of giving as a proportion of how much you have, but a matter of willing to give up what is deemed 'yours'. This includes 'your' time. So if your time is not really yours, why not you?

Baby Boomers & Gen Y

Someone shared an article in Huffington Post about how Gen Y views career and relationship. An extract reads as follow:

"A job used to be a long-term arrangement whereby you provided skills and your employer provided compensation for said skills - end of story. Today's workplace seems to be much more than just a marketplace. For millennials, 'work' has almost taken on a spiritual obligation - it has become a place where we are meant to find meaning and redeem not only ourselves but also the world around us."
 
"They want a meaningful job, but what if they don't want to give up their 'quality of life'? They want the freedom of running a business but how can they do it without the risk? They want to switch industries but can they do it without starting at the bottom all over again"

The article also describes what the millennials expect of a relationship which used to take almost a whole village to provide including; safety and desire, belonging but identity, continuity but mystery/awe, familiarity and novelty, predictability and surprise".

Now I wonder what is it that makes my generation, the baby boomers, so easily contented. When we started out on a career it was aptly described as selling our skill or service just to earn a salary to pay back our parents and help support the family. We waited patiently for the promotion that came with modest salary increment and warily registered our interest in another role in the company whilst careful not to be seen as trying to kick the incumbent out of the coveted job. We didn't really expect our job to make our lives fulfilling and resorted to hobbies and extra curricular activities to fill the gap. What a far cry from the Gen Ys who expect the job to be challenging yet provide work life balance, well paid yet meaningful to society , secure yet adventurous. (Incidentally the Gen Ys so described by the writer refers to many well educated professionals in London and NY and may not apply to many Singapore youths who  focus on earning big money above all else. Their expectations especially for quantum job advancement with work life balance is the same though). What I am trying to figure out is why we, the baby boomers, could wait whilst the Gen Ys want it almost immediately. Didn't we wait until mid-life crisis before taking a serious milestone review? Are we pathetic fools to have waited so long?

The same goes with our attitude towards relationship. How come we could tolerate the lack of surprises, romance, adventure and often lack of "identity" for many women? How did we live for years as sure as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west and where mystery comes only in the form of a deeply discounted Batam getaway booked at a Nata Travel fair?

I guess the biggest strength that baby boomer have is "patience" cultivated in our upbringing. Someone once describes patience as the ability to bear with unpleasantness. I guess we could because we have seen worse in early years or in our parents' lives and we are appreciative of safety and certainty. We don't want to rock the boat unnecessarily.

However we have also to bear in mind the boat may not carry us far. As sure as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west we could also surely be found lifeless in the boat of stagnant waters.

Snubbed

“I was the only person in the store. I had dressed myself up extra special.because I know things can get very snobby in these kinds of stores.”

“The employees first check out what clothes you are wearing. Therefore I chose a Donna Karan outfit and even washed my hair”

“The woman did not want to get down the bag which I wanted to look at. The effort was too much for her. She said to me that the bag was simply too expansive…..Instead she tossed me cheaper bags.”

“To be honest if I have known upfront what this damned bag cost, do you know what? This woman was right: I would not have bought the thing, far too expensive. Too expensive! $38,000. I would have fainted when I saw this price tag!"

The above was an extract from Oprah Winfrey's interview with a reporter after having related in her talk show about her encounter with racism in a Zurich boutique.

I am really really amazed that even America's richest woman faces the same experiences as we do, snubbed at ie. I find the above revelation extremely comical and funny especially the part about her washing her hair and donning some branded clothes before entering the store. To think that even the richest woman can be snubbed at gives comfort and do justice to the many many more times that we too are being snubbed at. It also makes us feel less embarrassed when we intentionally put on a seemingly wealthier look or pretending to be of higher class before going to certain places. I have all along suspected my lack of self esteem for not being brave enough to step into stores selling luxury brands, but am now assured that it is quite a common feeling.

But here again Oprah was referring to racism and went on to say that is what black and brown skinned people experience daily. The owner of the store has come out to defend his employee explaining it as a misunderstanding and definitely not racism. The incident has stirred up a barrage of comments in the web. Many have accused Oprah of being over sensitive and some suspect she was angry at not being recognised. One comment asked her to drop the "Don't you know who I am?" attitude whilst another said that Swiss unlike Americans do not gush over US celebrities that enter their shop.

So what is the moral of the story?
I think If you define yourself by how others define you, you will not feel rich even if you really are the richest..


(Incidentally I am amazed Oprah said she would have fainted if she knew the bag costs 38K. Tons of women spend more than 5K on a bag and their net worth is an infinite miniscule fraction of hers)

Writings on the Wall

So there used to be a good view from my bedroom window looking into the distance which is where Tampines and Pasir Ris are in the east. The minaret of a Mosque about 300 metres away is clearly visible and sometimes the scene can be quite mystical, like when the minaret remains clear and bright whilst surrounded by rain clouds or when the first ray of sunrise beams around it. When a low rise apartment was built next to the mosque 2 years ago what is left of the minaret is just its conical crown from my window.

My neighbour 3 doors away sold their house recently and it is now under reconstruction after being torn down. I watched the construction progress in horror as the steel bars extended upwards and outwards near to the front gate. It being a semi-detached house sharing a common wall with its lower neighbouring house and with the built in area pushed all the way to the front, I realise I would soon be staring at a huge tall piece of wall when I look out of my bedroom window. This morning I took a photo of the view before the last of the minaret disappears behind the solid walls.

I thought to myself, this very picture that I have taken, this very view will perhaps be lost forever. To restore this very picture many conditions have to be present. This new house has to be demolished, the other 3 neighbouring houses (2 with long driveways) must not be rebuilt to block the view, my own house has to remain as it is and I, the viewer must still be around; for how is a view to be recognised (even if restored) if the viewer is not there to see it.

Isn't  it the same experience with every moment in time?

Perhaps this blank wall can serve as a reminder for me when I wake up every morning. There are writings on the wall after all.

The little yellow bicycle

One difficulty I face when engaging sandplay therapy with my clients at the children's home is how to say "No" when the children ask to keep a certain little toy or figurine. One has to muster a firmness of heart to counteract the coy and wanting look in their eyes.

Sandplay therapy involves the display of a whole array of little toys, figurines and symbols which is very attractive to look at. The client selects items to be placed in the tray to create a sand picture or story. Most children have a moving tray ie. a running drama or story. In early trays the pictures represent their outer world ie. the present living conditions/story; whilst in later trays stories from their subconscious world may emerge (which they themselves can be oblivious of). The children often uncannily select the same symbols repeatedly for several sessions. It is therefore not uncommon for them to be attached to certain item and ask to keep them. We must also not forget that these children come from very deprived financial and social family background which was the reason they landed in the home in the first place.

My firm response has always been based on the need to share and to keep the collection intact for the benefit of all.  Despite that I had to solicit the help of the in house social worker once to retrieve an item from a very young client who was also duly reprimanded. Sometimes it is very hard on me to say no because it costs very little for me to replace the items and my heart goes out for them.

Yesterday a boy asked me "Will you be very angry if this bicycle is lost?" whilst toying with the miniature bicycle. I told him I won't be upset if it was lost but would be if someone takes it without asking. "That means you will be angry lah" he remarked. Later a girl asked to keep the piece of purplish pink chalk which she had used to colour every inch of a white sheet with vigour. Her presenting issue was selective mutism and she had started conversing with me and opening up. Shouldn't I reinforce with a small harmless gift? Again I had to be firm as I could see the consequence of  a crowd  streaming in to ask for things.

As I walked out of the Home's premise I noticed  a row of cars parked along the road including Merc, BMW and Lexus. Opposite the Children's Home is a Montessori Branch. I presume a Montessori session, the fees of which may be equivalent to the monthly wage of another person, is about to end. My mind reflected on the little yellow miniature bicycle, the piece of purplish pink chalk, my little clients and the children who will be streaming out of Montessori into the luxury cars.

Coming Home

Coming home after a 2 week holiday can make you feel a bit disoriented which isn't a bad thing. First of all having forgotten your routine you perform tasks on a need to basis. You go through the huge pile of mail sieving out those which call for immediate action and in the process even jostles you out of procrastination to finish unfinished jobs. When you read the outdated newspapers you are somehow forced to pick up important world/local news only.

When you go out to do your essential grocery shopping you seem to have a new wave of awareness. I guess it is the lingering observation effect, a hangover from your overseas trip, which I kind of enjoy. It is like seeing things anew, the places that you dwell and move around in day after day, the people that you now see of whom you didn't know existed in your neighbourhood, and the behaviour and attitude of yourself and your countrymen that you come to realise more acutely.

In London, we approached one tube station only to meet with cones and tapes barring the entrance and a sign that said train service from point A to B was not in service until further notice. The locals walked away in a hurry when they saw the signboard. A guard was nonchalantly helping tourists with alternative stations and modes of public transport. You are amazed when returning home your local newspapers reported every train service disruption that occurred the day before despite the availability of standby buses for passengers to continue their journey.

Back home you now also wonder with appreciation at how well air-conded our country is after having experienced the oppressing summer heat in the London trains as well as the absence of air cond or weak ventilation in many buildings. In short yes you appreciate how comfortable Singapore can be.

As the observing energy wanes, I revert back to my usual unthinking self after a few days. Perhaps it is the routine, perhaps it is the familiarity, perhaps it is knowing the government knows best and will take care of you, or perhaps it is just in the air. Whatever it is, this oblivious and unthinking habit has to be arrested instead of waiting for the next overseas trip.

Bernake's thoughts on meritocracy

"A meritocracy is a system in which the people who are the luckiest in their health and genetic endowment; luckiest in terms of family support, encouragement, and probably, income; luckiest in their educational and career opportunities; and luckiest in so many other ways difficult to enumerate—these are the folks who reap the largest rewards. The only way for even a putative meritocracy to hope to pass ethical muster, to be considered fair, is if those who are the luckiest in all of those respects also have the greatest responsibility to work hard, to contribute to the betterment of the world, and to share their luck with others."-Bernake

Bernake's repeated use of "luck" is interesting. He includes people who are lucky enough to be genetically endowed, saying they should also "share their luck with others". Very often we hear of people who want to pay back having gained from society's support in terms of education and opportunities. Few have declared that since they were 'lucky' enough to be born clever or talented they want to repay such good fortune. In fact many who are genetically endowed and living in a system that singles them out for special nurture may regard it their birthright to special privileges. Hence they may not see the injustice of inequality. So a scholar groomed to take a path charted by his country have no qualms that he enjoys a very comfortable income simply by virtue that he is born smarter than the masses. In fact he may even feel disgruntled when faced with obstacles and feels  that he is entitled to a perfect life.

Inequality in progress arising from differences in family background is looked upon as injustice. As a result support for the disadvantaged families is deemed necessary. Inequality in progress as a result of differences in inherent intelligence, talents or good looks however seems acceptable by the masses whereby the fortunately endowed individuals are deemed to be deserving of better lives. Such being the attitude of society it is no wonder that many such fortunate individuals hardly feel the need to pay back or "share their luck". Perhaps they feel that luck is not given by others but by God to the selected few, hence they don't owe anyone.

I think Bernake's opinion on meritocracy should be disseminated to our school children right from young. 

A Valuable Mix

In the children's home where I practise sandplay therapy I have amongst my clients a pair of siblings, a girl 11 and her younger brother 10 years old. They are from a single parent family who has no means to raise them. Both kids have behavioral problems whilst the girl was under school disciplinary action and suspended from school for a couple of weeks.

It is quite startling that the siblings have similarities in the way they engage in sandplay. It is common for children to play with the sand awhile before selecting symbols and little figures to place inside the tray. Some children move the sand briefly whilst others play with the sand a bit longer. Most are drawn by the great variety of little figures and miniatures being displayed and eager to build a sandstory. The common behaviour of this pair of siblings is the way they engage with the sand. Both spend a long long time moving the sand, pushing, sifting, sprinkling and repeatedly expressing how they love the sand. The girl once described the feel of the sand as "Like someone touching me" and declared that if she is rich she would use all her money to buy sand. Her brother also declared his great love for the sand and remarked "I want to bring the sand home". Another similarity is when they invited me to participate with them. The girl wanted me to engage the sand with her during her 4th sandplay session whilst her brother wanted me to build a sandtray picture with him during his second session. The girl invited me to place my hands in the tray, to feel the sand and she then sprinkled sand gently onto my hands. There seems to be some transference going on.

My encounter with the brother at the last session evoked a transference and cross transference, hence a co-transference could have taken place. It was a rather touching experience for me. The boy had created 2 sand stories. He then removed all the items, leveled the sand and declared "now it's your turn". I picked a little house and some trees and plants. He then took out a little green car from his pocket (which his mum gave him) and placed it next to the house. Very soon he began suggesting items that should be included and I was like, "Shall WE put this and that as well?" ie. it became our tray not mine.  He wanted to include an ambulance "If we need help," he said and included a little kerosene lamp "to light up when it is dark". It was like inviting me to help him build a safer world and I could only respond with love.

As Katherine Bradway, an influential sandplay therapist in San Francisco puts it "both may find hooks in the other on which to project, or hang the unused parts of themselves.....And both respond to these projections"

"The therapy relationship is a mix, a complex mix, a valuable mix"

Cheap Paper or Oxygen

When you can look directly at the rising sun, something which is impossible under normal circumstances, you get a sense of curious eeriness. It is like having a chance to peek into true nature through a forbidden and artificial opportunity.  For 3 mornings in a row I was not awakened by the usual blinding sun rays that blazed through the bedroom window. Instead I could stare at the sun, a sinister salted egg yolk shrouded in thick haze.

Singaporeans never had it this "bad". As Joyce Hooi, BT correspondent puts it humorously, there is a "Bending of Heads every hour on the hour" looking at a mobile device followed by "the Shaking of Heads"(tracking PSI reading). All these whilst some mask-less construction workers seem to suggest a "super-strain of the populace, whose respiratory systems are immune to particulate matter".

Jokes aside the feeling one gets from this episode include a sense of vulnerability and recognising the inability to have everything under control and plan (no matter how super-efficient one is trained to be). One watches in trepidation how our lives will be impacted by snowballing environmental ills from the onward march of market driven economies. As reported in the papers it cost a few thousand rupiah to burn the forest down with kerosene and a lighter, compared to about 9 million rupiah a day to clear the land mechanically with heavy machinery (super cost efficiency as long as environmental cost is forever not accepted in accounting standards).

Today Indonesia named some companies involved, Sinar Mas which owned Asia Pulp and Paper (APP) being one of them. Will I ever forget APP? I remembered clearly I had to skip one New Year Eve's count down at the club with my family some 15 years ago because I was in the office trying to complete an asset purchase transaction with APP. It was a nightmare as we hit several snags trying to complete the settlement procedures whilst adhering to our company's strict due diligence guidelines. In the end we had to exercise some flexibility given the normal standards of practices in Indonesia. We were also advised by our consultants to "Get Real' if we want to do business in this region. I remembered we were kind of mocked by how little we know of Sinar Mas' muscles and standing in the country. Later I found out that APP was amongst the largest paper and pulp companies in the world and our office's stationery supplier was one amongst many who import from them.

Well maybe it is time to have another deal with Sinar Mas again, this time perhaps to buy oxygen from their forests. As BT reported one Indonesian official as saying "Singaporeans complain when there are a few days of haze. What about the other 300 over days when we supply the fresh air?" Cheap paper or oxygen, your choice.

Now you know what I meant by having this sense of vulnerability.

Perhaps I have finally learnt

When, oh when will I ever learn?

Hasn't it happened before? Whenever I begin muttering to myself "Gone Crazy" once, twice and perhaps everyday for a week or weeks in a row it is The TIME to take some money off the table/stock market. And yet no, I have not learnt and will perhaps never ever learnt. And then in a mere 2 weeks all the gains from the beginning of the year was wiped out. I remembered distinctly how I actually laughed in glee way back in late 2007 whilst uttering "Gone Crazy!" "Gone Crazy", in a seemingly never ending euphoria for months before it was brought to an abrupt end followed by prolonged bewildered cries.

Three factors account for the failure to act (realise some profits), one-lack of confidence in one's own judgement, two- greed and fear of losing out further profits and three- inertia. The recent correction in the market has made me reviewed my investment strategies. What I actually meant is to review my approach in managing my investments such that it blends in with my present lifestyle or intended lifestyle. So I have to get to the truth in me whether I want money as an end in itself or as a means to an end and if so what type of ends (including an insatiable need to feel secure?). Then the next question is how much time I want to allocate to achieving this end (given that my religious teacher often cautioned against impermanence, uncertainties and what truly matters at the real end). Having decided on the time to be allocated and the information that can be realistically gathered within such time-frame I can then select the appropriate approach and type of investment strategies. To do this our habits must also be taken into consideration. For instance,if we can only feel comfortable spending the returns on our principal (foolish baby boomers often fall into this trap) we should then go for dividend yielding stocks and not growth/undervalued stocks (unless you are a brave trader). Buy growth stocks for what? Just to get the satisfaction of seeing a growing figure in your CDP statement whilst limiting yourself to the cups of Starbuck coffee per month?

Jim Rogers commented "I would start by looking at things that are depressed rather than things that are going through the roof". Hmm...For me I just want something that consistently delivers my daily bread. Yes I may miss the roller coaster thrill of bottom fishing, roof hitting and cliff plunging; but those are for stronger hearts not mellowed ones.

Deeper than Goo Goo Gaa Gaa

In the Sunday Times yesterday John Lui wrote a hilarious article about pet owners' incomprehensible behaviour towards their pets. In particular he wondered whether these people view the pooh from their lovely pets as organic fertilizer which can be left harmlessly by the roadside. He was also a bit offended when he followed a friend home once only to be ignored whilst his friend fussed over a pet cat. He didn't mind people posing pictures of pets on their facebook page but thinks them crazy when they referred themselves as mummy or daddy (of the pets).

Well he is referring to me although I never pose myself as 'mummy' to Miao2 in public. In the privacy of my home I am the crazy person he described when I 'goo goo gaa gaa' baby talk with her. This despite the fact Miao Miao aged 7 times as fast as I do. When she walked into my house in 2008 the vet whom we brought her for sterilization thought her to be around 3 years old. By now she should be in her early 30s,long past baby talking really. In fact in another 4 years she should be wiser than me.

That probably explains her usual resting pose, stretched and relaxed with one paw slightly in front of another whilst watching the world go by; so very different from a couple of years ago when she spent her leisure kicking and dashing after a crunched up piece of paper left on the floor. When my daughter told me that one friend's mother was in some sort of mental distress I suggested that the lady keeps a pet as a source of comfort. Apparently other than a psychiatrist couch Freud kept a dog in his office after noticing its therapeutic effect on his patients.

Sometimes when I am troubled I look at Miao2 in one of her troubled free pose or deep sleep, so safe and sound; it calms me down and helps me take a leaf from her. At other times when I want to share very deep feelings that I only share with myself in a diary, I can talk to Miao2 as an alternative. At times like these when she rises to brush against you and settles next to you, you know you have been heard with unconditional acceptance. Apparently Freud had a dog called Jofi who (from Freud's observation) often chose to be close to clients who were depressed and remained closed enough for them to touch it. It also had an accurate internal clock such that after a 50 min session Jofi would rise, stretch and walk to the door providing Freud with a smooth and natural way to end the session.

In his words Freud described his admiration for dogs for their "affection without ambivalence. And the simplicity of a life free from almost unbearable conflicts of civilisations, the beauty of an existence complete in itself."

That perhaps was what John Lui failed to understand about pets, how their "beauty of an existence complete in itself" inspires our own.

Expression in a Sandstory

How disturbed can a child be when he placed the little figurine of a naked baby ontop of a heap of 'dead people' in the sand tray? Could he be expressing the feeling of utter despair? How can one contemplate even an adult expressing such sadness, not to mention a little child. Yes, this is one sand tray I just witnessed.

I find some similarities between sandplay therapy and mindfulness psychotherapy. Mindfulness helps us turn towards our fear, anger, guilt, sadness or whatever feelings we are experiencing and be aware of the pain such emotion is causing in our body. We accept these emotions without aversion and stay with it till it fades away, thus noticing its impermanence.Over time we pick up the confidence to endure pain (having lived through it) and adopt a willingness to face unpleasantness.

In sandplay therapy the client is able to see his fears or other hidden emotions played out in the sand tray. They are able to face and hold the pain or fear within the safe and protected space created by the presence of the therapist.Sandplay allows the client to describe a personal problem metaphorically and “thus keep a safe distance from it”. Likewise in mindfulness psychotherapy a person seems to be observing himself from a distance, noticing his own thought patterns and habitual emotional response. The calm and stable mind begins to contemplate and investigate the causes and conditions of the inner issues and like a third person viewing the problem sees new approaches and alternatives. Similarly in Sandplay the client having played out his inner issues over and over again begins to draw on his inner resources to see new perspectives and insights in resolution.

No wonder at one session, my little client heaved a sigh of relief after a very intense and focused one hour. "Tired?" I asked. He broke out into a smile and nodded.

(Incidentally, unlike at the school, I can now spend as much time as needed with my little clients Phew!)

The Here & Now- More than Enough

So within this week 3 persons have related to me their dukkha (sanskrit for dissatisfaction or stress).

One is feeling kind of lost without a job after his  contract ended. In his late fifties and being financially independent, he doesn't really need to work for a living. Yet the lack of response from employers upsets him.

Another, the boss of a small manufacturing company in her sixties, laments that her son lacks the full commitment to take over the business. She feels trapped and burdened, not able to have a lifestyle she desired even at this age.

Yet another is struggling to make sense of the politicking happening in her religious institution which she is working in.

Yesterday I had a dream. In my dream I recently joined a small company. I was asked to attend a meeting by the CEO. There was only 1 other senior executive at the meeting which was about expanding the company overseas and hence the need to seek financing, engage the banks and prepare a set of prospectus. In my dream I was rather disturbed that the CFO was not present and I was tasked to take on some of the CFO's duties. I told myself I took this job because it was supposed to be a relaxing one  When the CFO and some other executives returned from lunch they were upset for being left out of this "inner circle" meeting. At this point I felt rather pleased that I was being valued by the CEO but was upset with the amount of work to be done.

So my dream kind of embodied the dukkha of the 3 persons and how we are invariably dissatisfied no matter the situation. Would the 1st person envy the 2nd's predicament and vice versa? We always think that "if only this and this happens, I would be happy". Thich Nhat Hanh said : "It is possible to live happily in the here and now. So many conditions of happiness are available- more than enough for you to be happy right now. You don't have to run into the future in order to get more".

In a workshop which I attended, we were told to sit in groups of 4. Each of us was given a piece of paper and told to divide it into 4 sections. We were then asked to draw an unpleasant encounter or feeling which took place during the day or of late. We then passed our paper to the next person to draw something in another section of the paper after looking at what the first person has drawn. The paper then goes to the 3rd and 4th person to fill the remaining sections. When finished there would be 4 pieces of papers, each showing the origin of a problem followed by 3 responses. Amongst many lessons learnt from this exercise was the observation that it is quite easy to offer solution when detached or put it in another way you can see the silver lining in other's situation readily but not your own.

My own dream may be serving myself a reminder.

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