Never Say Never

If I were to use a phrase to describe the course of 2008, it has to be "Never Say Never".

When oil started to drop from its peak of $150 and someone mentioned a $50 number, my son laughed and said oil will NEVER fall that low. He lost his bet.

When both my children thought Obama stood a good chance to become president, way before defeating Hilary Clinton, I said US will NEVER vote for a black president, at least not this election. I lost my bet.

When the banks sold the Lehman Minibonds to retail investors, they thought Lehman will NEVER fail. They got into deep trouble as a result.

When people thought a prisoner can NEVER escape from a Singapore prison, the most wanted person in Singapore did.

And so the list goes on and on. Out of all these shocks, a form of mental preparedness arose. The mind now learns to think that even the unimaginable can happen. So whilst some believe the financial crisis is far from over and may plunge into a depression, very few analysts dare to boldly declare NEVER. Vice versa very few analysts dare to boldly disagree with others who opined that a stock market rally is likely to occur in the last quarter of 2009. All have learnt to think NEVER SAY NEVER.

On a personal front I have my fair share of perceived "nevers" that eventually hurt. Nevertheless there is also one that brings unexpected delight. I used to think I will NEVER keep a cat as a pet because cats love comfort and take advantage of their owners. Then a cat walked into my home and from thence on I have often said with a twinkle in my eye "NEVER SAY NEVER".

Injustice to the mind

It is quite amazing that one can live past half a century and still fails to analyse things, what a terrible waste of the beautiful mind. During the last module of my course which is the Research Module, we practised critiquing research articles. At class we were asked to critique a certain research article in groups and made presentation later. With the checklist of things to look out for, most groups (if not all) gave rather positive comments, faithfully going through the pointers one by one. However the writer turns out to be quite a frivolous researcher who writes loads of research articles without depth. Fundamentally, we did not researched about him and the publisher.Of course we justified by saying we are layman who are not familiar with medical journals, bla bla bla.
However from this experience, I confirm my suspicion about a characteristic that I have (which hopefully does not apply to others of my age ), that being an innate trust in printed words. I have a naive acceptance of printed forms especially where the article looks stately or officious. I wonder whether this is a conditioning from the school education of my time. Those days education mainly took the form of passing examination which can be quite easily achieved as long as you know your facts through and through in the prescribed textbooks. Thus the belief in every word in print. Unfortunately this extends to the words of truth from the teachers' mouth. It is quite amazing that after all these years I still seldom question the delivery of most teachers, lecturers or trainers in whatever form (other than those bankers in my ex-job who try to educate me in order to sell their product, huh no way).

So equipped with the often preached principle in counselling that you do not tell your clients but must lead them to form their own conclusion, I met with quite a bit of frustration with some clients who may take a lifetime to develop some rationale (often those with less education). So even though I question the universality of this principle I try my best not to deviate. Fortunately after I feedback my feelings to my supervisor and colleagues, they tell me with certain clients I can be directive. See what I mean, only when others say it's OK, I believe it's OK, i.e. I do not trust my own judgement.

I just feel I have kind of done injustice to my mind all these years, never letting it develop. My mind has probably become stunted and very soon will hide either under the pretext of "dementia" or suffer the real onset of it.

Romancing the Unchanged

Took another makan sutra trip to KL over the weekend, gorging the finest char siew and the heavenly but sinful black KL Hokkien noodles amongst others and others.

Next year 2009 will mark the 40th anniversary of my return to Singapore. 'Return' because I am a Singaporean who spent 10 years in KL as a child and then returned to Spore as a teenager in 1969. A mere 10 years and it has a solid place in my heart; for this land often beckons. Those 10 years were not rainbow coloured blissful existence. Quite the contrary they were rough times of anxiety filled moments at home and rather miserable primary school days; but yet this land always beckons.Why?

Apart from indulging my palates, I get delight in recognising and remembering, recognising places I used to go as a child, remembering food I used to take and recalling events that happened. First of all the very block of flats where I lived is still standing, albeit extremely run down. So is the wet market where I used to watch live chicken's throat being slit and thrown into a deep barrel for their final kicks. So is this coffee shop, that old tree, this chinese book store, that kaya stall, etc etc. Get the drift? It is the permanence and the certainty, that no matter how long I am away, these places are there to great me when I return. Herein lies the value of things that last.

So whilst I now live in a country that values change and progress, I go back often to a land where that sorry looking state of the flat I lived in 40 years ago beckons and provides me a dose of stability and rootedness.

A Plumber and a Counsellor

Phew! After submitting 10 short essays and 2 long essays, can take a breather at least until next module. So I shall engage in silly banters.

Last Saturday my kitchen floor was flooded. The pipe and the floor trap are choked with hardened fat from the kitchen sink. Even my very very DIY husband admitted defeat and summoned NTUC Plumber (gosh this NTUC should aim for best butler status!). A guy came in less than 45 minutes, carried out a less than half hour job and charged $85. If you count by the hour, he actually earns $170 an hour including $20 bucks he has to pay NTUC.

My school counsellor told me some schools are starting to engage part time qualified counsellors at $50 an hour. I thought "hmmm...not so bad" until I know what a plumber charges.

Of course the guy has to put up with all the grime, especially with every pull of the pump the grime and the filth gushes out at his feet. But so has the counsellor to put up with all the clogged material in the minds of the client too. See it all boils down to clearing the mind of misconceived notions and beliefs isn't it. At least for the plumber, the grime "gushes out". The plumber's feet may be dirtied but he can wash the dirt immediately (which he did in my backyard and my husband had to wash the backyard hahaha). His job is done in a jiff and he gets customer satisfaction instantly because I gave him a big smile of relief and happily parted with $85. In the case of counsellors however, they don't immediately wash the "clog" off their minds the minute the client walks out. They muse and reflect and think about the best intervention for the next appointment (at least for novices and those green on the job). Cases may draw on for several sessions whilst you look out for small progress (just like watching the water in your flooded kitchen ebbing ever so slowly). As one experienced counsellor/ writer puts it “Thus I may advise, argue, badger, cajole, goad, implore, or simply endure, hoping that the patient’s neurotic world view will crumble away from sheer fatigue". And the client doesn't give you a big smile of relief at the end of each session. Most times, they give you a faint smile at most especially after an emotional session.

So if you think of quitting your job or switching career, dont omit plumber whilst considering your alternatives.

Still Searching Phase 2

Is it time to move on to phase 2 or am I forever stucked at phase 1 haha?
A review is needed but to show some progress I just call it phase 2. Phase 1 saw me wondering about this and that; firstly did I make a stupid blunder in quitting my job and thoughts of retracking when opportunities still arose, feeling useless (especially when usefulness is measured by economic productivity or cash inflow), convincing myself of achieving satisfaction in other ways bla bla bla. Not that these dilemma is all over but probably going into a new year I may have a better idea what I don't want (spoilt hehe!) Hey that's some progress also, knowing what you can do without.

Ok I know I can not work again if it involves a lot of administrative details or justifying your actions or abiding with a lot of laid down policies (I know I know no one will employ me after reading this). That rules out social work. You see when I have to put up a report to seek financial aid for a client, I asked my colleague in exasperation "Must the client really fill up all these?" (refering to declaration and paper evidence of all assets, liabilities, payslips, CPF statements of everyone in the household, etc etc etc). My colleague answered me tersely, "They usually don't have much to declare lah". Oops of course but still. Sigh I never forget why I quit my previous job, too much bureaucracy and justification to do things. Well well that means I am a really poor candidate for employment. I also discover I am no angel to want to put up with these to help others.

However I discover something about myself this 1 & 1/2 years or so. I find children and teenagers like to talk to me and I enjoy talking to them. A few new found lady friends/acquaintances also share their very personal problems with me. I wonder whether it is because I am taking on a grandmotherly countenance? Flattering and NOT flattering at the same time. I have also been reflecting when I do tai-chi every sunday morning (although my master always says we should empty our mind and concentrate on the movements). As I am no saint I also covet for luxurious things. So I thought what will really give me pleasure is a luxurious home and luxurious travelling, no need for branded stuff and mingling with upper class. But living a life just soaking up such pleasures is also not good enough. So if I am given a choice I will have both luxurious living/travelling plus some activities that engage children and teenagers, some fulfilment in helping them or making them happy. Of course longer term I hope to have grandchildren but like in all things with my children, I am not pressurising and can only treat it as a bonus if that happens.

Such is my dream. The luxurious part, come to think of it is good to have but really is secondary to the fulfilment thingy. See, in the course of this 1 & 1/2 years I have also met clients, new acquaintances from my studies and practicum who live lives in different ways and that set me thinking too. I have met clients who just "huo zhe" (literally live on) and hope the next day will be better than today, childless couples who find so much joy just talking about their pets and generally people who do not reflect every weekend during taichi wondering what will make them happy(hahaha).

SO for the next phase I won't be thinking too much and reflecting less. I will continue with the school counselling activities, acquire more skills in this field, spruce up my home a bit, unclutter and decorate it a bit (to make it a bit more Bayan Tree like if at all possible) and will void my mind and concentrate on my movements during taichi class, i.e "huo zhe" at least during taichi class. And incidentally, a Siamese cat walked into my home and I feel like a mother of a toddler again!

Intern at 50+

Has been really busy with assignments, practicum, short holiday with family etc etc. Got an attachment with a Family Service Centre (FSC) to practise counseling and to accumulate the 100 hours of practicum so required. Indeed being an intern when you are 50+ comes with mixed feelings. Used to be when I was working in a statutory board many many years ago, internship period called for a lot of negotiation among division heads, tai-chi-ing and coming up with creative excuses not to be able to accept any. One morning when you noticed 1 or 2 fresh looking youths waiting patiently outside your office when you stepped in, you squirmed and summoned your staff. "How to teach and involve them when we are so busy?" " You trust them to do this and that meh?" Common excuses sigh. "Never mind ask them to read annual report and procedural manual first hehe"

Well that must be retribution I thought on my first day of internship. I was given a desk (fortunately they have one unoccupied desk) without phone and desktop, nearest the entrance. Since everyone was so busy I spent my first couple of sessions going through procedural manual, familiarise with reports and various forms that need to be submitted , and knowing laid down policies.I was REALLY BORED and would have felt even more uneasy had it not been for the friendliness of the social workers. You know social workers are the more friendly and caring type so at least I felt less awkward. Because I was bored I told them if they needed help they could just call on me. So I helped one called up home shelters to enquire about vacancies for her client which was good because I got to know the resources available. But something really funny, the boss asked me literally to do counting to help in the quarterly statistical report. Gosh I told myself "What am I doing here, counting the number of cases instead of counting billions of $$$ at my previous job?" My my this really needs getting down from riding on the high horse.
Maybe because I acted humble, and maybe because I showed the boss I wanted to assimilate into the centre, I was given 2 counselling cases quite soon after.But the most humbling experience for me was when they allowed me to join them in their monthly session with their consultant. This is a session when they discussed difficult cases getting input and advice from the consultant and learning from others. It was such a useful and fruitful session for me. It really places me when I really belong, a NOVICE. I have so much so much to learn and I know I need to start from scratch, just like the interns I took in many many years ago.

I May not Win but I can't be Thrown

Recognise the lyrics of this song:




Sometimes I wonder where I've been
Who I am, do I fit in.
Make believin' is hard alone
Out here on my own
We're always proving who we are
Always reaching for that rising star
To guide me far, and shine me home
Out here on my own

(When I'm down and feelin' blue,
I close my eyes so I can be with you.
Baby be strong for me, baby belong to me
Help me through, help me need you)

Until the morning sun appears
Making light of all my fears,
I dry the tears I've never shown
Out here on my own

(But when I'm down and feelin' blue...)

Sometimes I wonder where I've been,
Who I am, do I fit in.
I may not win, but I can't be thrown,
Out here on my own.
Out here on my own.


This song still holds true for me sometimes, what more my young clients and my children as well. But I love most the last few phrases " I may not win but I can't be thrown ". I wish they will always feel the same

I am so touched- Obama president

What a historical moment. (Watching CNN live)
Obama is elected president. US has come a long way. People shed tears on TV, even people in the discussion panel. A symbol that if you believe long enough, something so seemingly impossible , CAN COME TRUE.
Also especially real for me watching CNN live which shows the huge crowd at Harlem and at the same time chatting with my daughter who says she can hear them, a few streets from Columbia.
I lost a bet with my children which we made sometime back because I didnt't believe US can overcome their racial prejudices. I am all too happy to lose the bet.
US's first black president, I thought it only appears in movies.
I am just documenting below what people in US are saying:
"Americans are proud of themselves, is is so inspirational, this is a transition. A symbol of so much to so many".
Oh Boy i am now watching Obama coming on stage and I too want to cry. It is so HISTORICAL (remember I am a sucker for History). He says amongst much, i pick out those i like: America is a place where all things are possible. New sense of common purpose, unyielding hope, Out of many we are one.
Watching now Obama's and Biden's family members come onstage and embrace each other you really get this feeling that despite difference in race it can be one big family. And then you see the blacks and the whites in the crowd crying, you think the world has really taken another big step forward. And the TV just play good music and let these scenes roll and roll witholding commentaries and let the feeling sink in.

Beyond Self Importance

Any feedback that assaults our ego is a blessing in disguise.

We want to open our cans of worms and look at them more closely.

We are not afraid to be blamed, cut down, shredded, or destroyed or to have our feelings hurt.

We want to free ourselves from all of ego’s attachments, not just some.

No matter how deep the pain, challenge, or panic, we welcome it.

We realize that the only real threat to our well being is self importance. This is what we need to renounce.

(Dzigar Kongtrul. Its Up to You.)

Two Lovely Women

Last week I attended the module on Family Therapy. My, I was so smitten by 2 women. First one is my lecturer, a lady about a year younger than me of Italian and Greek origin. She is so bubbly and real and her enthusiasm is so infectious. She works as a therapist in a children's hospital in Adelaide, lectures and is an experienced family therapist for more than 20 years. Not only is she clear and systematic in her delivery but enthuses such zest in her field. At the same time she is so authentic, admitting her nervousness when facing the class for the first time and when demonstrating in class at role plays. She is also humourous and admits her vanity and love for food. Yet like any women of my age she can be quite absent minded and is technology phobic and was so grateful when the class techies came to her aid. She can be really funny like halfway when watching a video, she can pause the player and comment: "I wish this guy can cut off his pony tail" or comment about a student's beautiful toe nails. During lunch, when I shared with her my recognition of poor parenting skills after attending this course, she normalised it by sharing her own weaknesses in parenting as well. All in all a woman so full of zest, loves what she is doing, totally real,not afraid to show her weaknesses and enjoys little things like food, beautiful dresses and hairpins etc; in short a lady who is very comfortable with herself.

The second woman is a well known family therapist who founded the Solution-Focused Brief Therapy together with her husband. I was reading her book just before the course and had the opportunity to watch her in action on DVD during the course. She was Korean but lived in the US. She passed away not long ago and at the time she made the DVD she was an old lady. The DVD showed her in therapy with an American family so dysfuntional and distraught with 3 suicidal members out of 4. She was consulted by the family's therapists to assist in the case as they were feeling drained and demoralised. Watching her in action what strikes me was the great respect she showed for each member of the family. Her very gentle ways, her congruence, her unruffled calmness when addressing the son when he was about to storm out of the room drew respect from the family and the viewers. She was also very real and could break out in uncontrollable chuckles when sharing some jokes with the family. She imparted to all trainee counsellors the importance of optimism and hope. She also showed us as long as we want to do good for the client/s, there was no room for the therapist to feel hurt or embarrassed when confronted with certain words or actions of the clients. In short again, a lady who respects every individual and is very comfortable with herself.

As I move on I really would like to be like them.

Self Doubt Again

Just got a message from school. One of my young clients stayed inside the toilet refusing to come out. A case of social anxiety and absenteeism. I have met her for maybe 6 times. Sigh...another case of "No Effect this far". One of my ex-colleague ever asked about my volunteer school counselling "Any effect or not?" Her words cross my mind every time I am given negative feedback by the teachers about my clients.

In this kind of self doubt, upsetting mood, my conflicting thoughts go like this:

A: Gosh would I have been better off continuing in my old job as Treasurer, pandered by bankers and having authority over much?
B: No I would have been miserable because every obstacle put up by the legal division, every time my proposal is thrown out for revision, every irrational demand from above, every obnoxious behaviour of some and the anxieties over meeting certain people would have made my life quite miserable which I can do without; thank you very much (other than the money).

A: But am I doing the right thing spending money and time on a field (counselling) I am not even sure I am capable of doing (self doubt see)?
B: Hey why you give up so easily? If you don't try how you know whether it is suitable for you? You should commend yourself for gathering enough courage to leave your comfort (though discomfortable) zone (job) to search for something you like (ie. follow your heart). Anyhow why you so thin skinned? Even your supervisor says he has counselled someone for 4 long years and that guy still dropped out of school. Besides no one is a born counsellor and as you pick up your skill, some people have to be your guinea pigs along the way.

A: But I chide myself often for not giving enough thought and research for each case, I am angry with myself for the lack of earnestness and diligence.
A: Hey actually I don't really have to do anything. I can actually play mahjong, go club and attend singing classes quite happily, why put myself to all these unnecessary dilemma?
B: Hmmm.... I don't know. I think you will feel even more miserable at the end of each day as a Lady of Leisure.

A: So is this a dire need of self glorification?
B: Hmmm....Not sure leh. Maybe it is a bit of it, but not really also, because I don't really care much about what people think of me.

A: But is it what you yourself need, i.e. an image which you yourself has to be comfortable with?
B: (At this juncture I took a pause and sipped my fruit juice) Hmmm....feeling a bit uncomfortable with this question huh? Maybe it is you know, I must ponder over it.

A&B: Aiya never mind lah, even if I don't end up being a counsellor, I have enjoyed the course anyhow; and mind you this is the only course in my life that I enjoy other than history subject in school (which was marred by having to take exams!!!).
So after working so hard for so many donkey years, I have a right to spend money on a course I enjoy right. If things don't turn out right I will just be a Lady of Leisure lor when the course ends.

In defence of GREED

So it is a historical moment to be remembered isn't it, this global financial turmoil which saw our own STI dropped a whopping 15% in just a week diving below 2000 with no end in sight.
One year ago when reviewing the performance of my equity portfolio, I prided myself over an annualised return of >20% per annum over the 4 year period when I started to invest in equities in a more serious way. At that time I almost wanted to liquidate some bonds to be more "pro-active" in managing my money.
Yesterday my equity portfolio performance dropped to a meagre 4% annualised return over the same 5 year period , i.e. ALL THE TROUBLE FOR NOTHING. My heart ached when I thought of the opportunity lost. If only I had liquidated everything one year ago! To make matters worse I also succumbed to some pressure from cold and soft selling by bank RMs, putting a bit of money into "alternative investments" they call it. I am now holding my breath on these. Ahh...a very good lesson on GREED I reckoned. But hold on... was I?
One year ago if you walked into any bank just to deposit a cheque or update your bank book a bank officer will offer to help you and then preached about negative return when your money does not generate returns higher than the inflation rate. If I do not recall wrongly, there were also repeated articles written by financial planners who advised investing your money in unit trusts (managed by experts) to ensure sufficient returns for retirement. Then there were constant reminders that no one can time the market and one should always invest for long term. With all these brain washing and coupled with some nasty experiences of watching your stocks defying gravity everytime you cashed out, who can accuse me of being GREEDY not to take profit one year ago???
In retrospect I might be more of being stupid than being greedy. See, if I have followed Warren Buffet's advice, to invest or stay invested when you see value, I would have gotten out of stocks which seemed ridiculously overvalued THEN. The fact that I did not can only be explained by 1) laziness to do serious research and 2) underlying GREED. So can't run away also GREEDY lah.

Trust a woman to ask the right question

I am watching the Presidential debate

Best question asked so far was by a woman:

"How can I trust both of you with our money when both parties got us into this financial crisis"

Styles of family communication

Virginia Satir ( a well know family therapist from the 50s to 80s )classified styles of communication within families into 5 categories:

The Placater: Always tries to please, agrees and apologizes all the time and acts weak.

The Blamer: Always blames another for things that go wrong, dominates and is self righteous. Eg. "He is just like you, that's the way you raise him"

The Super-Reasonable: Remains detached, calm, cool, trying hard not to be emotionally involved.

The Irrelevant: Distracts others, never taking any position, afraid to offend. Eg in the midst of a family dispute could ask what is for dinner.

The Congruent Communicator: Real, expressive and sends genuine messages.

What are probably their inner feelings?

Placater : Worthless without the rest, "I am just here to make you happy"

Blamer: Lonely and feelings of failure and reacts by attacking as a cover up.

Super Reasonable: Vulnerable and hides behind their intellect to conceal real feelings.

Irrelevant: No significance, acts cute and harmless to gain approval.

The congruent communicator (which every member should strive to be within a family) has the confidence and self esteem to be themselves and to express their real thoughts and feelings.

First cheese cake without maid

Since my maid left in Jan 2008 I have not engaged a maid. Neither have I made any cheese cake. The task seems really daunting with all the washing up (even though I am really talking about a very very basic cheese cake, i.e. no baking and just using biscuits as a base). So when my husband felt like eating he did it himself with my constant cautioning that I will not help.

OK yesterday I made one despite being quite drained after school, as a substitute for a birthday gift for my husband (haha did not make any effort to get something). When I was cutting the peaches into bits, I suddenly missed my maid. See, when she was around she would prepare all the ingredients, bring down the mixer from the top most shelve of the cabinet, clean it etc etc.(which can be really time consuming). When everything was laid out properly, I would then descend like a principal chef with my recipe note book and carry out the processes in as efficient a manner as possible before leaving the war torn kitchen to be cleared up by the maid of course. You can understand how easy it was for me to make cheese cake then.

But hey why I missed my maid yesterday was something more. On her last birthday in Singapore before going home she requested me to make one for her so that she could share with her friends on her off day. I obliged because it was no great pain right. Yesterday checking on the cake which was left in the fridge to form and admiring its "perfection" my thoughts was like "if only she was here to taste it". She was my greatest fan for cheese cake.

I never really liked my maid because she was often making hordes of silly excuses and testing my intelligence in believing her. But we lived together for about 16 years! My son often complained that she competed with him for the better chocolates,cookies and cakes and never touched stuff of lesser quality. Come to think of it her animosity with my son over good chocolates must have been quite bad because when she calls to say hello she never enquires much about him (haha). That's the thing. Since she left she called quite often, sent good wishes during festive seasons and even on our national day and said how much she missesd us. She called to enquire about my daughter guessing that she would be back for summer holiday. My son thinks she is trying to make a come back. But no that is not it, she is doing well renting out a van which she bought with her savings.I really think she misses the life in Singapore, the food, shopping and socialising on her days off. Most of all I think she is still struggling to adapt to a new lifestyle. Just thought with a tinge of forlorn how my decision to change my own lifestyle impacted hers.Yes I have resigned from my job for almost a year and a half now. There are still moments when I muse over the what ifs. Only my counselling training checks my feelings.

Hmmm... about the cheese cake, I actually wanted to sms her " Hey I make cheese cake today, how i wish you are here to taste it!". I did not.

Comic Relief

Well now that you are riding the roller coaster, hand over your face, peeping in between fingers and hoping the next drop will be the last, relax, look at the stars in the galaxy of the space mountain, haha. To help you along here are some comic relief (:


About Wall Street executives- Now that the market for his services has collapsed, he has time to go home and figure out which of the children roaming around the mansion are actually his- Bloomberg

Amongst the US$700 billion notional derivative contracts in Lehman's books, some is insurance sold by Lehman against the risk of other companies defaulting-Bloomberg. (Likewise with AIG. Wonder whether companies selling safes and vaults are booming? Time to draw cash and stash at home?)


Commentor's remark about Bush's 2 minute statement on the crisis after the decision to rescue AIG- "He didn't stay to take questions. It is so short you really need to read between the lines"

Until today (before the 2 minute statement), Bush had publicly uttered 160 words about the worst Wall Street crisis since the Great Depression- Bloomberg

Now I don't know about you, but I am definitely poorer. So I started to whine, which is my nature anyway. Then when I went to my school and asked one of my clients (14 year old student) to list out the things he wanted most (as in his dream world) so that we could then compare them with his real world and discuss how his actions are either helping or hurting steps towards bridging the gap, here they are in descending priority:

1) Family to be more healthy ( Real world- mother immobile with diabetes, father has asthma and stays home to take care of mother)

2) Family to be more happy if have more money ( Real world- family is sad cos no money and on financial assistance)

3) To be able to go out more with family and friends ( Real world- no money so can not go out)

Narrowing the great divide in society may possibly be something good?
(at least between the masters of universe (term for investment bankers) and those on aid)

Out of the country to lose my identity

Last weekend I made a short trip to KL (to feast). I don't know how to describe it. Everytime I am out of Singapore, be it crossing the causeway, the second link, at the airport departure hall (other than on business trips) or at the ferry terminal to Bintan,I have a very good feeling. I used to ascribe it to the promises of leisure and free from work routine. But even now that I don't work and don't suffer from work stress, the feeling is still good. I am trying to analyse why. So I try cognitive method, i.e. what am I thinking that is antecedent to this pleasant feeling. As the plantations roll on and on and the streaks of clouds seem to swirl like the tail of a pheasant against the body of the faraway hill, I wasn't thinking of anything. My mind was quiet. The funny music from the driver's hp that interspersed the soft drone of the coach engine does not disturb me. Perhaps it is the openess, the space that make me feel I am a small particle of this vastness. I have no need to fulfil any ambtition and no need to satisfy any desire to feel good about myself, ie. no need to feel purposeful in any way.

Ah but if nature inspires this type of feeling, how do I explain the good feeling even at the airport departure hall. Usually when making an overseas trip, everything already planned, all errands at home properly instructed and settled, the feeling of real freedom sets in.I guess then it all boils down to the suspension of care and worries. It is almost like losing your identity for a brief time. This perhaps also explains the drudgery when returning home, the drudgery of assuming the "ME". The "ME" that calls for maybe purposefulness or an image by which I am satisfied with and which I want others to hold me as.

If that's the reason then it has nothing to do with Singapore. It is in my own mind and how I perceive that once I touch Singapore soil I have to "strive" because every other person is striving to uphold their own image (be if wealth, benevolence or being well balanced and having it all).

"We are very good at preparing to live, but not very good at living. We know how to sacrifice ten years for a diploma, and we are willing to work very hard to get a job, a car, a house, and so on. But we have difficulty remembering that we are alive at the present moment" (from "24 Brand New Hours" by Thich Nhat Hanh)

"Irrational Exuberance"- 180 degree

Got a week off from school, did a review on the dividend payout of the STI components at current price. At indicative 12 mth yield hovering above 3% for many, was wondering whether it is time to pick up some stocks. A few months back an ex-colleague was mentioning the index could well touch 2600. "Aiyo, touch wood" was my response. Now at 2670, it is not unthinkable, maybe can be worse.

Over dinner, my son told me he could remember I used to come home and repeatedly exclaimed Greenspan's favourite phrase "Irrational Exuberance! Irrational Exuberance!". I could recall those days when I thought the runaway prices of some stocks was irrational. I used to acquire only stocks that paid good dividends. At those heady prices, the percentage of return from dividend would have dropped substantially unless earnings grew in the same momentum as the prices. So on days when I felt more rational and less greedy, I sold some only to watch the price ran up and up and regretted again and again. Can you believe it prices have now fallen to below the very first level of "regrettable" sales.

Now we are at the other spectrum, some stocks are paying fabulous dividends.Ok if we go defensive and consider for example StarHub, the indicative 12 month yield is 6.4% or SPH the indicative yield is 6.5%. But now the sentiment is so bad and the exact reverse is happening, i.e. every time you think you are rational and start buying, you watch the prices go down further and you regret. Going by the same pattern of human behaviour, I will stop buying. However if I am suppose to learn from history, I will one day also regret not trusting my rationale. So, dilemma, dilemma.

Watching CNBC provided some clues though. One analyst (never mind who, they are all wrong anyway) says don't go all out. Go cost averaging, i.e. nibble at various levels. Hmmm....I like his advice, suits me fine. Why? Because now that I don't work I can only NIBBLE anyway.

Signs of Burnout

Since I am doing some research and writing an essay on burnout prevention for counsellors and caregiving professionals, thought it may be useful to alert people on the signs of burnout which I believe is common across a wide range of jobs.

Burnout may be caused by prolonged stress, but it isn’t the same as too much stress. Stress occurs when there is great demand on oneself physically and psychologically. Stressed people can still imagine that they can be better when everything is under control. Burnout, on the other hand, is about not enough. Typical signs include feeling empty and lack of motivation. People experiencing burnout often don’t see any hope of positive change in their situations. ( Jaffe-Gill et al 2007 Signs and Symptoms of Burnout, Retrieved Aug 20, 2008 from Help Guide Mental Health ).


STRESS VERSUS BURNOUT

STRESS characterized by over engagement vs BURNOUT characterized by disengagement
Emotions are over-reactive vs Emotions are blunted
Produces urgency and hyperactivity vs Produces helplessness and hopelessness
Loss of energy vs Loss of motivation, ideals, and hope
Leads to anxiety disorders vs Leads to detachment and depression
Primary damage is physical vs Primary damage is emotional
May kill you prematurely vs May make life seem not worth living

That Red Capsicum

"When the part is sick, it seeks reunion with the whole"- Christmas Humphreys

If only at times we can still our mind and accept the wrath of that wild horse;
And let it settle for the night.
With the first light of the next dawn, it will be quietly resting in the barn.


Yesterday morning I received shocking news about the sudden demise of my ex-colleague.
She was 51. Twenty years back we were part of a lunch group of 6 to 8 accountants, and had spent much time laughing, gossiping about bosses and sharing about children, husband etc etc, until we had to go separate paths. That comradeship lives on and I believe is etched in our memory forever.

Needless to say the whole of yesterday found me in a sad and pensive mood. Whilst preparing for dinner,I took out a red capsicum from the fridge. Just as I was about to wash it, I suddenly notice its freshness and luscious colour, and I gave it few strokes and say to myself "Hey, this is so fresh". And then my thoughts go "She will never get to feel a capsicum again". That instance I thought how lucky I was to be able to enjoy the capsicum.

Does it always need something like this to happen to make us "live"? Why is stilling our mind to take in the moment so difficult? If only we can stand back and take in more of the world and not be so overwhelmed by our thoughts and feelings. I don't know, does it help? I wonder! But maybe I should practise more to see whether it works well that way.

To Let Go

The following was spotted when I did research about prevention of burnout in counselling practice. I think it is equally applicable for care givers.

To Let Go is not to stop caring
It is recognizing I can't do it for someone else.
To Let Go is not to cut myself off
It is realizing I can't control another.

To Let Go is not to enable
But to allow learning from natural consequences.
To Let Go is not to fight powerlessness
But to accept that the outcome is not in my hands.

To Let Go is not to change or blame others
It is to make the most of myself.
To Let Go is not to care for, it is to care about.
To Let Go is not to fix, it is to be supportive.

To Let Go is not to judge,
It is to allow another to be a human being.
To Let Go is not to try to arrange outcomes,
But to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To Let Go is not to be protective,
It is to permit another to face their own reality.
To Let Go is not to regulate anyone,
But to strive to become what I can be.

TO LET GO IS NOT TO FEAR LESS IT IS TO LOVE MORE.

Author-unknown

I was allowed to cry with my client

If you are a Christian you would say "God work in a miraculous way". But as a non Christian I just got the feeling that somehow in life we are meant for each other in some small ways and in a strange connectedness.
Last weekend my lecturer discussed grief and loss, which can be any "ruptured attachment". We broke into small groups to discuss a loss which we have encountered and to think of the resultant losses that accompany it eg. loss of hope, loss of control etc. In my small group, a participant described the loss of a family member and my lecturer happened to be with us when going round to observe. As it was quite an emotional session we actually got to witness how the lecturer handled the situation and helped my class mate processed her grief.
This week back at the school where I volunteer, the school counsellor handed me a case about a teenage girl who has some relationship problem with her mother, a widow. I thought to myself casually there may be some unresolved issue about the loss of her father, which I could then apply what I have learnt. Usually for the first session I am quite relaxed because it is more like building rapport to win the client's trust before they will open up and pour their heart.
I was quite taken aback when it took less than 10 minutes for the girl to pour out her grief over the loss of her father who passed away quite suddenly 5 years ago. I would not have known how to react if not for the example shown by my lecturer. In fact when one of my classmates asked whether it was ok if the counsellor shed tears, my lecturer commented that it shows that the counsellor cares and we are human aren't we. Thank goodness for that answer because I actually pulled a tissue and dried my eyes and said softly to my client " You really touched me". See, the girl feels so insecure because in addition to the loss, her mother also had breast cancer though now in remission.
So I used exactly the same method, said almost the same things that my lecturer did. The session lasted almost 2 hours, after which she said she had not shared so much about her sadness before. Walking home I began to feel the little things we do really affect each other; my classmate who was so brave in sharing a loss which still hurts, the lecturer in being with our group at the right moment resulting in me being taught what to say and how to help, and the girl presenting herself this week (she had turned down an earlier appointment a few months ago). I think of it as we being tiny threads in a piece of fabric.

Frustrations of the wealthy and powerful

Interesting extract from article "Challenges of $600-a-session Patients" published in New York Times July 7 2008:

"It is not uncommon to find in wealthy and powerful patients an extremely low tolerance for frustration, the therapists said.

Dr. Seth Aidinoff, a NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital psychiatrist who practices on the Upper East Side and also consults for hedge funds and Wall Street firms, illustrated the consequences with the Saturday-afternoon choice faced by “your typical master of the universe,” who can either play outside with his 7-year-old or stay inside to complete a business deal on the phone.

“The phone call might involve the most important and interesting people in the world, being well compensated for his time, and the chance to handle it with A-plus skill,” Dr. Aidinoff said. “Whereas playing with his 7-year-old might be sort of boring, or unsatisfying; his son might not fully express his appreciation, or the child could even be in a bad mood. So this person might find himself terrified of spending time with his child because it’s not an activity he can control or succeed at the high level of accomplishment to which he is accustomed.”

Because so much of ordinary life is built on small failures and frustrations, therapists see among this patient group a great disenchantment. "

Read the whole article if you can afford the time.

Object of desire- Instant delight

Watched the news about people queuing up to 3 days to get I-phones. A customer was visibly happy to get one after forgoing a few nights' sleep. I often wondered about how people can get so thrilled in getting their "object of desire". I started to think what is my own object of desire that could render such joy. By golly, I felt a bit embarrassed to think it could be 'money' itself. I remember being so thrilled and exhilarated during the heady, hazy, happy days of the stock market bull run, hahaha. I then psycho myself such worldly pleasures do not last. Yet, I am no saint. I am wondering now whether a person can like money and at the same time like to help people.

Counselling students can arouse feelings alternating between contentment and sadness, content when some change for the better is observed, sad when students seem so helpless in their predicament of low esteem,trapped in an unfavourable environment. I think my greatest challenge becoming a counsellor is to be less attached. My heart despairs when my young clients declare they "don't care" or they are "ok" but you can see the empty gaze in their eyes, the sense of futility. Sigh, the school counsellor whom I am assisting is thinking of quitting and changing line.

So after the counselling sessions in school, I go home, on CNBC and my mood can be lifted instantly when certain stock is doing well (of course during the recent down swings it does more dampening than lifting haha). That is exactly what I mean: money is the object of instant delight.

However deep in me I know I have to allocate more time to do the job well if counselling is the confirmed path. See, a lot more research, thought and further learning is required to improve on the skill set handling all the varied issues. This is especially so when I start my internship with a Family Service Centre end of the year.

Hence I should review my portfolio and switch to the safer and defensive stocks that do not need much monitoring. Hopefully they can bring some delight from time to time.

Strange thoughts at Redang

Had an idyllic holiday with my family at Redang Island, bathing in the crystal clear turquoise sea water, snorkelling for hours surrounded by shoals of fishes and gazing at big sea cucumbers and unspoilt corals.

Perhaps staying afloat in a life jacket (facing downwards) for hours may have affected my brains a little. Back at the beach, waking up from a nap, lounged on a deck chair in a paivlion draped with white chiffon curtains, I began to entertain strange thoughts. The soft drone of a far off motor boat, the chirpings of the birds, the figures dotting the sea, toddlers playing sand on the beach, people lazing on rows of deck chairs under attap sheds and insects buzzing around became part of a painting in a big white canvas. BUT a hundred years from that moment, not a single life in that picture would remain, no not even the corals beneath the sea. Yes all would have passed on and a totally new set of life will be there in its place. Perhaps a tree or a form of flora may be still around, otherwise none of the plentiful living things in this painting still live. And yes, such is the nature of the world, life moves on only to be replaced by others, there is no holding on.

In the evening, dining at the seaside restaurant, entertained by my daughter's amusing anecdotes and exaggerated descriptions of her classmates in New York, I was having such a good feeling when suddenly I thought to myself how good it would be if the world stood still at that moment forever. Yes I wanted that feeling to remain forever. The zest for new experiences and new adventures was in her blood whereas for me it was the wish to hold on to a good feeling. Therein lies the difference in needs between her and me.

Thinker, Feeler, Doer

Went for my second supervision (meaning I counsel someone under the watchful eyes of an experienced counselor). Argh......with feedback from first session, I tried to avoid the same mistakes second time round on a different client. Ha again backfired. See the first time I was told not to rush the client towards a goal when the client was not ready and just wanted to express her feelings. So this round I just paced the client and let her talk and reflect, talk and reflect moving in circles. At the end of the session the supervisor asked me whether I knew what the client wanted out of the counseling session? Huh? In my heart I said "I thought you told me I can not rush the client? Oh man you really confused me!"

Went home and over dinner shared about how my supervisor really confused me. My son just remarked "maybe circumstances are different ". That set me thinking. Counseling is of course no exact science. You can not apply a set of procedures throughout although you learn to give appropriate responses (externalised, personalised etc), try to help client see blind spot and how their thinking affects them; and various skills to guide clients to explore, understand and take actions. However fundamentally, each person is unique and the same set of intervention strategy can not be applied to another person. So a counselor needs to be intuitive and creative.
Not easy hhuh.

But what may help is to try and decipher whether the person is more of a thinking, feeling or doing person. So whilst the client for the first supervision is a feeling person, the client for the second supervision is a thinking person, hence I should not have led her round and round but should have gotten her to think what she really wanted.

Basically a thinker is one who analyses a lot but may risk ignoring his feelings and perhaps not acting. A feeler relies on emotions and is more subjective in his decision making process hence risking insufficient analysis and procrastinating as well. The doer is driven by the need to act and is not burdened by too much analysis and feeling. However he runs the risk of ignoring his feelings and not rationalising. We have all these in us, but one aspect may be more predominant. Hence understanding the type that the client belongs to may help the counselor find the open door to the client faster.

My Little Troll

During school holidays the attendance for the story telling session rises to around 30+ and can be quite difficult to manage. Yesterday to my huge surprise, 30 odd children sat through my story about the Little Troll, tracking his sadness and joy. I have learnt from experience the trick to hold their attention is to get a good story and add a lot of drama, almost like Johnny Depp in Choco Factory style (needless to say no parents are allowed to see me make a fool of myself).OK read on only if you have nothing much to do.

Well, trolls were little human like creatures, short, hunched, hairy, with a red rim round their small eyes, spoke coursely and loved to hiss and howl. Trolls hated human because human beings are tall, straight and speak smoothly. Well there was once this little troll that liked human a lot. He loved to hide behind rocks to observe how little children, woodcutter, farmer's wives etc behaved and talked. One day he ventured into the village church attracted by the sound of the church bell (Christians will love this). He peeped inside the church but because it was winter he couldnt see what was inside beyond some figures and the vague glow of candlelight But he knew there was something good inside which was beyond his reach, hence a tear rolled from his eyes and he went away and gave a long sad howl. (The howl that I gave out in that little room must have moved the children's hearts, for they fixed their sad little eyes on me and the room was quiet).
Coming back to the story, the little troll overheard a woodcutter telling his grandson to care for other people and be helpful otherwise he would be no more than a troll. The little troll now knew the main difference between human and troll. (Ye adults, hold your skepticism. I know you must be saying, "Are you joking? Humans caring?) Anyway from that day onwards the little troll quietly filled up the baskets of little children, woodcutters and women who went to the forest to collect flowers, berries, mushroom and wood. He also protected them from wild animals and falling trees. There was a girl who loved to go the forest to collect flowers. On the last day of autumn, on her last visit she asked aloud from whoever had been helping her but remained unknown, what he would like in return. Receiving no response she placed half her mid day lunch on a stone and was about to walk away when a hoarse voice requested her to breathe into the church window on Christmas Day so that one can see the inside of the church from outside. Meanwhile the little troll was thrown out by his kind because he had grown taller, straighter and his voice gentler. In the cold winter he felt he belonged neither to the trolls nor the human. Just then the church bells reminded him of Christmas. Ok the joyful end to all this was that the girl saw the longing eyes outside pressed against the church window when she went to breathe hot air into the window pane. She led him into the church with the whole congregation welcoming him. (Again adults suspend your cynicism and thoughts about how the troll may probably be bullied or something if he lived with them).

What My Little Troll led me into however was that I realised how much I enjoyed the aura of innocence and simplicity around me when I am with children. Perhaps this Little Troll is telling me that is an area I may explore further.

Unfortunate to be fortunate???

I belong to the generation of baby boomers who though had it rough in childhood, through the good luck of being academically inclined and armed with a college qualification, rode on the economic wave when Singapore moved from developing to develped status. I move in a small circle of colleagues,ex-classmates, husband's ex-classmates, all in similar mould who own private property, own club membership, car, goes for annual holiday and whose children mainly go to top 10 schools, JCs and on to university. Most are also Christians although this feature I run short of. Yeh, the lucky generation who suffered some hardship as a child, but lived comfortably for a long while from adulthood and expectantly thereafter.So amongst my counsins in my father's large extended family, you can see the marked difference in lifestyle between the acamdemically successful and the not so academically successful, other than the few entrepreneurial ones. My thought today is not whether this "protected" class and their offsprings will stay forever protected from the ills of economic and social upheaval, although this can be deliberated some other day. (See, many of the people in this class even have the means to make provision to ensure each of their children have a roof over their heads). My thoughts for today is that those who enjoyed privileges as something that comes naturally may feel deprived quite easily.

Hmmm.... what the heck am I talking about, I am a bit confused.Well, what starts me on this trend of thought was a small incident after taiji class this morning. My club rings off a certain area of the car park for taiji every Sunday morning until about 9.15 am when the class ends. The part fenced off is the area closest to the check in area of the swimming pool and the gym. This fencing off practice has inconvenienced people who have to walk about 50 meters to the check in area, for their weekend "Exercise Regime".Compliants have been lodged but sacrifices still have to be made for various activities. This morning just as the rope was lifted and whilst the taiji people were still milling in the area, a car sped across to the end. Wah, some alert driver who managed to avoid hitting anyone but who made his point felt.A family alighted with 2 young teenagers in tow. Some great lessons on give and take huh.

My point is the unfortunate thing about being fortunate is perhaps you feel a natural right to everything and is hurt and shocked when you do not have it. Calamities, misfortunes, financial struggles, accidents, handicaps are just what you read and watch in the news. They are unreal, they only happen to others, some in faraway land and some closer to home but in another area of town perhaps. And when someone in your "strata" gets windfall from enbloc, someone's kid got into medic school, someone's bonus equals his one year pay, someone made hell of a lot of money from betting on the right stock, (the list is endless), you may feel hey why am I so darn "unlucky" (hello I got masters leh whilst he just got ordinary degree). And then when say some imperfections in life occur, you will feel really shocked it happened to you, for example "I can't believe this can happen to me, my son can not get into the top JCs, or my daughter is anorexic or my wife quits her job due to what she claims to be too stressful (ahem) or the bloody neighbour on the 9th floor blocks the enbloc and now we will probably miss it" and so on. And if one continues to sail on and on and on in a fortunate state of perfect life, one will really be upset when " hell,I have to park my car 50 meters from the entrance".

A Ball of Colours in Us

I thank the person who gave the encouraging comment on my previous blog. Really there is a bit of everything in us, vanity inclusive. I believe even as there is a desire to help others (whether it is partially for self gratification), there is also the proud and egoistic self, all in varying intensities in all of us.

I think of every individual as a colourful being, a ball of blended shades. If say purple represents vanity then there is a deep purple in someone with a strong desire for glamour. The purple will just be one of many colours which constantly change in a continum . So if you will, there may be a stronger shade of pink today which may represent love and a paler shade of green, for being less envious of others; or for that matter a darker black the next day when you feel like murdering the boss.

In certain stages of our lives, we are more conscious of the colours in us and may wish to moderate the darker shades and invite into us certain colours which never have a chance to emerge.

Glamour/ Class

When I first started work almost 30 years ago, I was an accountant with a small but fast growing trading/manufacturing company run by a family of brothers (all professionals who left their jobs to help their eldest brother run the company). Eventually I left the company and moved on to a statutory board to learn a more structured system of doing things. My ex-bosses however requested that I helped them keep account of their personal investments. So for a few months, every alternate Saturday I made my way to their huge bungalow at Katong to help them keep track of their investments. I would have lunch cooked by their mother. The brothers adored and respected their mother because she toiled to bring them up under very difficult financial circumstances. After what seemed like an effortless task, she would sit at the marble table in the big kitchen,fanning herself whilst the maids did the cleaning up. She was the kind of old lady whose calm countenance and unruffled temperament must have given her children much strength in their growing up years. Her food was honestly very delicious and it did not need much pretense on my part to compliment her cooking. This image of her somehow etched in my memory.

This image could have given rise to some wild dreams (those which you sometimes indulge like jetting around the world in a private jet kind). I told my children how good it would be if one day they become CEO or something and have a open house. (Must really be as senior as CEO to ensure people bother to curry favour.) I would then whip up some dish and urge their subordinates to eat, saying it is cooked by me. I would then relish the compliments, lies and superfluous praises endowed on me. I would stay to banter and see them struggle with small talks with me, (hahaha, funny and half-sadistic dream).But alas my children will never be CEOs. They are more likely to be poor writers of unknown journals or some eccentric academics pondering about where the world is going.

Anyhow this is part of what glamour and 'class' is all about, and I am not surprised most people have some desires to be glamorous or classy albeit ranging from slight to raging. It can be achieved in various forms. So it was when Wendy Murdoch gave a twirl on the red carpet to show off her beautiful outfit for the paparazzi at a gala event (whilst Rupert Murdoch stood to one side giving his young Chinese wife the amused look). It is also the kind of feeling when people give you the second look, even though really it is at your wrist with the expensive watch or the branded bag on your shoulder or even your dainty pedicured toes on Jimmy Choo slippers (sorry don't know which watch and bag is most expensive!). It is also the SIA girls mollycoddling to ensure your comfort in business class (incidentally my daughter just swore she won't travel by SIA anymore because of the marked disparity in service for locals and foreigners even for economy seats). It is when you are a VIP at a business function and your host and his minions throng around to welcome you or when you are made to believe you are special by the private bankers (or deceived to feel special by priority banking executives). The list is endless varying for different age group and different social hierarchies.
Hmmm...as for me, being the Scrooge that I am and aiming for a career that only gives intangible rewards at most, I must think of some other means to get the glamour kick that I may need occasionally.

My progress or the lack of it (counseling)

Was quite busy with video recording counseling sessions as an assignment together with other written assignments to be handed up. I had my first supervision a week ago. Supervision refers to an apprentice getting feedback from a qualified and experienced counselor whilst you are counseling a helpee.
My supervisor complimented me for having what they term as a "hypnotic counselor voice", i.e. a soothing comforting voice which kind of hypnotize client to share and pour their hearts out.However my biggest drawback for that session was my eagerness to get the client to achieve something out of the session, i.e."pushing the client towards a goal". Supervisor commented that if the client wants to explore their feelings even for 10 sessions we have to pace the client. Only when the client is ready to change can we explore change together.
After the session, I joked with my classmates that with my "hypnotic" counselor voice, I can probably make money out of rich people like "tai tais" for instance who just feel good talking, rambling and venting, without wanting to change (eg. they don't really want to walk out of their wealthy husbands do they, hahaha).To assuage my guilt I will then apportion the other half of my time volunteering.

Today's papers about the mother who killed her 13 year old teenage son strikes me again that so many people really need help. Gosh, the boy could well be just one of the students whom I talk to. (I am a volunteer assistant school counselor). It is just so tragic, and the boy was known to be quite "bubbly" which means he and his mother probably aren't even candidates for counseling. The prevalent focus on economic well being has overshadowed people's emotional needs. So little resources is channeled towards netizen's emotional health; assuming the family support system will take care of it. I suggested once to the father of one of my students that there was little supervision at home. He then embarked on his long lament "You know how difficult it is to earn a living in Spore, when can I find time to monitor him ( I found out they stay in a condo ) . Anyway he has a long list of requests of the school including making his son stay back in school the whole day under supervision. Is this a question of shirking responsibility as a parent or is it a real life struggle between basic and 'secondary' needs, I don't know. ( Here I really mean I do not know and is not being sarcastic. I am still wondering.)

Then there is this self proclaimed rebellious girl whom I have a growing fondness. Into our second session I revealed to her a bit about myself which counselors should actually refrain from doing. She chatted passionately about what she likes and what she hates but didn't really disclose much about her family. She said she was offered tuition by her teacher and church friend which she flatly refused because she doesn't care about passing her exams. Phew! Asking her the reasons why she felt that way really put her off. At a loss myself , I sighed and exclaimed more to myself than to her (another no no ) "How come you always say I don't really care?" I didn't expect an answer really. After a long pause.... "You know why," she said " Because if the person who gave birth to you doesn't care about you, why should you care".

mo qi (husband & wife)

Now my master of the Chinese language is probably less than that of a primary 3 student . However I believe I am using the right words to describe what I witness this morning between a couple in my taiji class.

The man is about mid to late forties and the wife early forties perhaps. They are my classmates in taiji class. I have often observed that even as they sauntered into class they will be chatting and will exchange the "you know what I mean" glances before they take their respective position in class.
Today they were rather late. The husband immediately followed our movements after taking his position. The wife carried out her own warming up exercises instead even though she stood in line, ignoring what the class was doing. When their eyes met both faces broke out into smiles, one of gentle rebuke and another that of a girlish rebel.


A thought suddenly came to my mind "This is a very very lucky and blessed couple". Looks like they are still able to maintain the humour in their relationship. I think if you have a spouse whom you really enjoy being with for many years into your old age, you are just so blessed. When the children are big and the empty nest syndrome surfaces, it is often a very exacting transition for a couple. This is the time when the common topic "children" is no longer available. The couple is left to talk about their own individual focus which they now discover is so different. However they can of course learn to give and take and make things work. They can make an effort to ignore their differences and consciously look out for activities they both enjoyed. They can then spend some time doing these activities together whilst giving space to each other. But what I am saying it is so good if the "mo qi" comes naturally. Dictionary explains "mo qi" as "tacitly in agreement" (haha that is the best dictionary I have at home)

PS. please correct me if i used the words wrongly

puppet unwired

I realise it is not easy for a puppet to move when finally released from strings and wires.
I read Ignatious Low's article over the weekend. He related how he had followed advice and took paths which offered most prospects (and which did) but finally switched career and found happiness in the thing he loves most, writing.

I am perhaps half a generation older than him and was brought up to be perhaps even more focused on the practical aspects of life. My parents, her parents and their parents struggled to stay alive in China. With these struggles values are imbued that passed down survial kits to future generations.Hence I was taught to study hard, work hard to earn a living, try hard to be a good daughter and mother all my life. I was so wired and conditioned that I did not spare time to reflect what "I" as an individual really want for "myself" and what would really make "me" happy.

I have now quit my job and am free to pursue what I really like to do. However , beware, that does not come easy as most people think, I mean knowing what you really like to do. Also beware, the guilt feeling of being an "idler" and "economically inactive" denizen may also plague you at times. This is more so with wise men in the government issuing constant warnings that you will surely die early if you retire and can't find anything worthwhile to do. Yes, I delight in doing stuff like story telling and I do find some purpose volunteering at schools. But the true passion is still undiscovered and I am not even sure whether I have any at all . Sigh, I feel that after all these years of not letting any real passion surface, it could have been lost forever. It takes much to rekindle the lost flames. (this was drafted earlier, new feelings below)

I met up with a long lost classmate yesterday. After varsity she became a PE teacher and after stints at a few schools, was posted to a prestigious school where she remained for several years. She quit late last year and after a break is taking up a PE teaching job in Msia. As you could have imagined, we had a lot to share. I remarked it must be a biological clock inside us that prompts us to do something different. But what she tells me gave me further insight. She commented how she hoped to go back to do the basics that she loved in teaching PE. She meant basics like bringing the student hiking, running and exploring nature etc. In her former top ranking school, she constantly had to think of new things to show that the school is always on the ball, always "one up", to impress parents and achieve certain KPIs (key performanc indicators).

Now it strikes me that my earlier lament about not finding real passion may not be so relevant after all. Passion or maybe let's call it by a lesser name, "things I like to do" may after all lie in the basics. So, it need not be such grandiose plans as writing a book, being a world relief social worker or opening a chocolate outlet (haha not for several lifetimes). It could just be activities that draw simple remarks, like from someone saying, "I feel better after talking to you" or a simple comment from your son "Mum, your cooking is not bad huh".

They dare to be different- but I am apprehensive

One Big Irony. On the one hand I am having difficulty getting my clients at school to be interested in some school subjects or something other than computer games or TV etc; whilst on the other hand back home my son tells me he prefers philosophy to business in uni because he has passion for it. "Philosophy?? What will you be upon graduation???"

Both my children want to pursue their interest. So instead of the well trodden, well provened paths of doing say business, accountancy, engingeering in the local uni (which will write you a lifetime paycheck in Spore) they prefer liberal arts in US and UK, albeit renowned overseas. The money saved pursuing the well acknowledged local degrees could help pay for their first HDB flat giving them a good start by material standards.
Here I am writing whilst thinking. Why do I let them (or should I for the one intending to go) when I am apprehensive of their job prospects? You see I love to watch a lot of chinese historical epics. I am so impressed by how much emphasis and importance the emperors and officials placed in getting the best teachers for their children and how much the scholars revered their teachers. I, rightly or wrongly am influenced by this romantic notion of "learning" beyond just acquiring a vocational skill. I honestly feel it is money better spent than "already owning a fully paid HDB flat". I do not find many parents in Spore who agree with me. Hence I have to consistently convince myself my children will be better off; though not materially, will look back one day when they are old and be thankful for the experience and the learning that has enriched their lives. I hope they will not look back and say " Heck, should have used the money for a HDB flat instead " I hope the joy of learning and broadening their minds would be priceless and will launch them into some deeper appreciation of life.

WALL STREET BOSSES DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING

Good article by Michael Lewis (BT 27 Mar)- my summary

Bear Sterns was closely scrutinised as a public corp by shrewd analysts and at least one billionaire investor who has the means and power to know (he was long Bears at US$107 per share).
On Mar 11 an analyst has listed the stock as a "buy" at US$62. On CNBC he advised "Bear Sterns is fine! Do not take your money out of Bear".Over the following weekend when the market was closed JP Morgan was negotiating to buy at US$2 (Now they are talking about US$10).
Not that the bosses didn't care when their firms are about to collapse, they "DIDN'T KNOW". These Wall Street bosses don't fully unerstand what their traders are doing. Here I must say I empathise with them. When I was a corporate treasurer I was shown lots of derivative structures by bankers. When the explanations failed to enlighten me despite several attempts, these fellas would give you that look which tells their patience is being tested; whilst you wonder whether they think you are so dumb.Of course when a CEO demands a clear explanation of what the traders are doing, he will get a full explanation as long as he cares to have it, without any fear of being branded dumb by his subordinates. Or is that really so? Sometimes I wonder about CEO and bosses whether they fear that their subordinates think they are "actually quite blur" if they ask for too much clarification. Hmm...maybe they do. That may explain (from my past experience) why I got fewer questions when the subject got more technical and in depth whilst easier lay-man topics got hell a lot of queries.

Anyway back to Wall Street bosses, apparently Charles Prince is not fully aware of the impact of Citibank's exposure to "liquidity puts" (research yourself if you really want to understand). Apparently Rubin the guy who took over said he never heard of "liquidity puts". Actually come to think of it, those fellas who came and market these products didnt really understand themselves, huh.

Anyway the article concluded that the CEOs are neither lazy or stupid, they are just trapped because if they interfered with the latest thingy dreamed out by the bright young things which are making huge sums of money, they may lose them to other big firms. "He's a hostage of his cleverest employees".

My further comment is - stupid or not the CEOs have made enough for themselves.

OUCH- a beautiful book

Came across this book "Ouch" by Ragnhild Scamell. Lovely illustrations by Michael Terry. Will use it for story telling.Go borrow from NLB and share with young kids or easily amused adults. I love the pictures so much I am contemplating buying it to share with future generations (if I am fortunate!!!).

Story is about a hedgehog (the squirrel looking creature with spikes on its back).Just when the hedgehog has finished building her winter nest under an apple tree, an apple dropped and got stuck onto her spikes. A passing squirrel with an armful of nuts tried to tug it out but failed. To make it worse some nuts got caught in the spikes. A smart alec pig suggested that the hedgehog rolled on the ground to free herself. As you could have guessed a pear and a crumpled leaf lying on the ground added to the hedgehog's burden.A frog suggested that the hedgehog dive into the pond which she did and picked up a water lily instead. Beautiful illustration, the heap on the hedgehog haha. Her friends could not help but laughed at her funny sight. The hedgehog was mad and lamented "It's not fair". After 2 more misadventures and increased burden the hedgehog met a goat. "Oooh!" cried the goat "You've bought LUNCH". "Help yourself" said the hedgehog. She never felt so light when relieved of her burden and ran as fast as she could to her winter nest. The drawings are so adorable!

Yes often time when troubles seem unabated, a goat will drift into your life and nonchalantly help you resolve them. The "goat" may be a person, a circumstance or for that matter anything at all.

Happiness- refreshing description

Read this from a magazine, thought it is quite practical.

"HOW TO BE HAPPY" - Extracts from Robert Louis Stevenson:

No one has everything, and everyone has something of sorrow intermingled with gladness of life. The trick is to make the laughter outweigh the tears.

Don't take yourself too seriously. Don't think that somehow you should be protected from misfortune that befalls other people.

Don't spend your time brooding over sorrows or mistakes. Don't be one who never gets over things.

My hairdresser drives away the blues

Of late I was having the blues,partly due to the virus/bacteria which my son caught from Tekong and partly due to 2 counselling cases which kind of made me feel helpless.

Sometimes, however, hope and encouragement seem to slip in when you least expected it. I went to this Jean Yip saloon to treat and color my hair. I just wanted to relax and was not particularly excited about this girl apprentice who tried to strike a conversation. She commented I looked really tired and asked whether I had a hard day in the office. I told her I was not working and just wished that would shut her up. She however kept on enquiring about what I did in my "spare' time etc etc. I gave up. Anyhow she kept on and on until she found out I volunteered as a counsellor in a neighbourhood school.

That was when she poured out her whole life story about how she was also counselled but took no heed. We then engaged in a most interesting conversation when I actually asked about her feelings and thoughts etc when she was in school(She is in her early twenties now). We discussed in general why students lack motivation and I got very honest feedback from her that at that age the teenagers have really no inkling what they want to be and feel no urgency at all to plan. She said she drifted into ITE doing some mechanical course which she had no interest. Then suddenly she matured and she told herself she better start to plan what she really wanted to be. (Haha it is quite engaging talking to these people, they are so frank and forthcoming, so unguarded.) She then kept on encouraging me not to be disheartened, said "teenagers are like that" and "they like to have someone to talk to" and kept on commenting about my volunteering services "hao" "zhen de hen hao" (good job) blah, blah, blah. Maybe she is exercising a lot of EQ towards her client but she did brighten up my day.

Why the lack of interest at this early age?

I spoke to the father of a student whom I counselled. The father asked me how to motivate his son. He said he had tried using gifts like bicylcles as a reward for doing well,but to no avail. I told him we had to find where the boy's interest lies and then I beat around the bush to avoid answering.
Honestly, I had tried to find out where the boy's interest lies and frankly it was only play ie. computer games and TV. However I also sense he was not really mad about play too. So it really is a lack of interest in everything. It is so sad that at such a young age there is a lack of passion or interest. At a loss (sigh! struggling apprentice counsellor has this problem), I resort to books. Now a few points I found out and want to share:
Very often underachievers are reacting to major problems within the family, some are responding to difficulties with peers and others are in a head on conflict with the school system, and some face problems in more than one of these areas. These underlying issues need to be tackled before we can even work on motivating them.

Only then can we talk about helping them to:
Have a Vision - (and how achievement at school can connect with this mental image of their future)
Develop a commitment or a mission
Plan and follow through

Nurture Yourself

As part of my assignment for "Development Themes in Counselling" I have to relate any one Development Theory I've learnt to my own life experiences. I have to describe my personal experiences and describe how they prohibit or promote my development resulting in certain recurring themes in my life. For example a recurring theme could be that I find it difficult to trust people.

We then have to explore ways for healing and ongoing development.
Without going into the details, what I would really like to share is that the activites that support "growing up again" or healing in an infancy/childhood deprived of care and love is to NURTURE YOURSELF AND CARE FOR YOUR INNER CHILD. Amongst many, some of the simple activities which we can practise quite easily include (do not dismiss with a snigger):

Treat yourself to a theurapeutic massage or body wrap
Listen to lullabies while wrapped up closely in blankets
Take naps with a sheet over your face
Listen to soothing music during your bath
Ask someone to hold you heart to heart and hum without talking
Sing lullabies to the little child in you
Perform rhythmic movements (eg. swing in a hammock, sit in a rocking chair, row a boat)
Get more hugs
Close your eyes. Visualise yourself as a child. If the all-perfect mother or father could see this child right now, what would she or he do or say? Do these things and say those things to yourself or ask someone who loves you to do or say those things for you
Grieve any infant or childhood separation from parents
Do something to make your house more comfortable

(extracted from "Growing Up Again" Illsley Clarke, J & Dawson C(1998))

What I also want to say is if you are a parent, do those relevant activities more often to your children NOW.

Found- little pleaure that slipped away

Of recent days I notice I begin to sing again. Perhaps with new found privacy (without a maid in the house), and having the music on whilst doing housework, I find myself singing at the staircase, imitating Sarah Brightman whilst my voice echoed the house.

I have always loved singing (sang in choirs) and used to sing in the privacy of my bathroom. I didn't notice my bathroom has been silent for a long long time. It didn't occur to me I have stopped singing in the bathroom for many many years. If I recall, the bathroom singing became less and less often since my ex company began restructuring, brought in the ang mohs and my immediate bosses came and went. I think my singing (choir and bathroom) came to a total halt when the company pursued overseas expansion.

I remembered when I was younger, I ever thought to myself if there is an after life and I can choose my life, I would want to be a professional singer in musicals. The happiness you get, hearing your voice reach those notes that make the song so beautiful, is a blessing.

I am now quite puzzled why I let the music just slipped out of my life for so many years. Didn't I know that even when I was stressed at work, music could have lifted me? Why is it that when you are stressed you become irrational and so deep into your problems, that you are just not able to detach and look at the bigger life picture, and you just can not form any music notes?

Since I resigned a number of people have asked me how much it takes to walk away from your job and try something new. For me, if my job takes away the little pleasures without me realising they have slipped away , it is time to think and prioritise. I guess every situation is a trade. I get so much money in exchange for this and that. I get less money but I get this and that. To each his or her own, there is no right or wrong. If your greatest joy is to have power and status, then slogging at work 24/7 has it purpose. And in doing so you shut yourself out from everything else, but you know for sure power and status is the all consuming want that will bring you the greatest joy on earth, then I think you will not fret at other sacrifices. Just know what you truly want!!

Just like newly married minus the romance

Ha, my maid has gone home for good. With the kids away, my husband and I are developing a new rountine with the household chores. As we split the responsibilities, I got this deja vue feeling that dates back to more than 2 decades when we were newly married.

Yeh we were just married then, had just moved into our new house and had not engaged a maid till the kids came along. I remembered it was like 2 children playing "masak masak' (child play at cooking and housekeeping), always wondering whether that's the way the real adults keep house. I remember I tried to act like a good old traditional Asian wife taking on the cooking etc and feeling lousy when the food didn't turn out well.

Twenty odd years later, we are again experiencing keeping house without a maid. Only this time round, romance being scarce if not absent, it is best that duties be well defined. And, I do not feel bad at all if he declares me a hopeless housewife hahaha.

Market turmoil- Resort to "guai guai" do homework

Well, perhaps the only comfort is I am not alone. Apart from the smart alecs who liquidate their stock portfolio before this equity meltdown, even people who just stay invested would have mourned for not selling when the going was good.
OK my hardwork for the whole of 2007 have been completely wiped out. Those effort looking up good dividend stocks, hours listening to CNBC, reading analysts' shitty reports, going to NLB to makes use of the free Bloomberg services, all gone down to the drain. With hindsight should have spent my time more fruitfully reading my counselling course's thick materials to get deeper insight into the subject. Instead I was often distracted to make quick buck and stayed glued to the screen.
Nevertheless on a more positive note, I tell myself:
1) At least I have followed a strict discipline of having a balanced portfolio ie. bonds, equity, property. (At the height of the equity market performance, I had been tempted over and over again to switch from bonds to stocks. Fortunately I was reminded by my treasury training of the importance of a balanced portfolio).
2) Now that my couselling course is in full steam, and the bear in the equity market is best to be left alone to savage the bull, I shall "guai guai" (behave conscientiously) do my assignments and spend more time on the thick reading material; as well as not feel fustrated doing housework (maid has left). After all no point looking at the screen and feeling the loss, hahaah.

Hey but one more important positive note. Total return of equity is still good in the long term. If you have invested in equities in 2003/4 and stay invested, the total return todate far outweigh the return from bonds, even with the current correction. So as Warren Buffet says you can't time the market, just invest in companies you feel have value, dont bother about the price daily movement and review your balance sheet once a while. Cheers!

I said "Hi" to my Little Self

To discover aspects of the child that we were and to a large extent the child that we are now, we were guided by our lecturer to meet our inner child. It is important to be in touch with your inner child to understand why you have certain "inherent" behaviour, beliefs and feelings. You can also give the child what it needed all these years.

After some breathing exercise to put us in a totally relaxed mode, we were asked to reflect and think about ourselves as a child, any age that came into mind. We then pictured the child in a safe place where our adult self could have a quiet and safe conversation. Once we had the image of our child, we used our non-dominant hand (NDH)to draw the picture of the child in that safe place. When the drawing was completed, we were asked to spend some time looking at the picture to see what it was telling us, the thoughts and feelings. We then wrote it down on a second sheet of paper. In this second sheet of paper and with our dominant hand (DH) we started off by introducing ourselves to our little self and asked the little one whether it was ok to have a little chat. Then using our non dominant hand (NDH) we wrote the little child's response. After that the conversation continues using the DH and the NDH.

I pictured myself around 4 years old. I was in the care of my grandmother in Singapore whilst my family including all my elder siblings moved to KL. (I subsequently joined my family at 5). In my mind the 4 year old girl had short bobby hairstyle with a round face and stomach. The safe place was in a small corner leading to a flight of steps in those old shophouses. My grandma stayed in a shop house and used to bring me to buy tobacco leaves from a candy woman who sold cigarettes and sweets at a corner of the landing leading to a stairwell. The two old ladies loved to chat. It was a safe place for me as I remembered lying on my grandma's lap whilst she chatted with the candy woman. Inevitably their conversation would lead to how "guai" I was. The dialogue between me and my little self went on as follow:

Adult me: Hi! Know me? Guess who? It's me your bigger self. Can we talk?
Child: YOU ARE ME? REALLY? Of course we can chat.
Adult me: How old are you?
Child: 4
Adult me: Hey how are you? Having fun?
Child: So so. Popo (grandma) and da jiu fu( first uncle) spoil me.
Adult me: You love them?
Child:Yes I am happy with them.
Adult me: What do you enjoy most doing?
Child: Nothing specifically but I want more people to play with.Where are the rest, mama and baba? Who is my baba, I have never seen him ? Why am I not with them?
Adult me: See, it is not easy to take care of so many kids in a new place, so you have to stay with popo for the time being.
Child: Hmmm... is it a good place, this KL?
Adult me: Well, you may not really like it but there is some good side to it. (At this juncture, my adult self wanted to warn the child she will be joining hell but couldn't bring myself to say that to a child).
(Fortunately, lecturer said to wind up and asked us to tell the child we will chat some other time)
Adult me: May be I will let you know more about our KL home some other time. Anything you want to let me know before I go?
Child: Oh.. I am fine here, but I wonder a lot about my family?
Adult me: No worries you will soon get to know them, basically despite everything they are not a bad bunch.
(conversation ended)
When my lecturer came around and heard me relating our dialogue, her insight was this. Very often adults made major moves without explaining sufficiently to the children involved.
As we were supposed to discuss in groups I had consciously selected an age when I was safe. In the quiet of my own home and when alone, I shall pluck up enough courage to have a conversation with my little self at an age when she suffered most.

Those Amusing Salesmen

Hey I must record this. For the first time in my life I spent time watching demonstrations on the use of houseware.
Used to be when I was working and time was so precious, the limited time for shopping had to be efficient. Whenever I passed a crowd gathered to watch salesmen peddling their housewares at departmental stores, I thought of the crowd as "people who had nothing better to do" ( with a tinge of disdain ).
Today I went to Tangs to look for the perfect wok and the most efficient mop (maid retiring soon- she also had enough!). Stayed to watch one saleslady demonstrating the use of anodised wok and a saleman demonstrating the use of the most wonderful German mop. If you want free entertainment or a good laugh just hop into the household section of a big department store. These people really know how to spice up their sales talk. They are so funny and so spontaneous. Funny people, there are not many around nowadays. Anyhow I enjoyed my trip to Tangs household section. My past snobbishness deprived me of much fun which fortunately I discovered today.

A Case of Imposed Values

(Written by Vicky Sanders, counsellor in private practice. The name of the client is disguised but the emerging theme, action plans and occurrence are essentially true. Extracted)

Name: William, Age: 56, Married, Profession-Medical doctor.
Problem: Cyclical debilitating depression.

Factors that emerged during exploration:
Client had grown up in a very wealthy but austere family. Money was made and saved but rarely spent. The family only valued people with extreme wealth. The client had become a successful medical practitioner. He had also attempted to make even more money by investing in various stocks and shares...and he had lost money. He had left his private practice some 8 years previously to work in a corporate setting because he believed he had the capacity to "rise to the top". He had a reputation of being "tough" and autocratic. He disliked this reputation because it didn't seem to "fit" his internal experience but he believed it to be necessary in order to get the job done. He was promoted but then the organisational culture changed as a result of a change of CEO and he found himself being overtaken for promotional positions. The client felt devastated, cheated and bewildered. His marriage was convenient and suitable for his status- but unloving. His 4 children were adult, but still financially dependent on him. He realised, as he talked, that he had tried to give them some of the indulgence he didn't get as a child. Overall this client felt useless.

Themes that emerged:
The pervasive feeling of uselessness experienced by the client was because he had adopted a family culture that hadn't really satisfied him as he was growing up or as an adult. He had lived his life in accordance with the values of "toughness", wealth creation and personal austerity- but he had also been an indulgent father to "make up" for the love he didn't receive. He realised in talking that he had been trying all his life to accumulate wealth quickly- so that he could do what he really wanted to do. He actually enjoyed reading, creative writing, cooking- and he yearned to have joy and fun in his life.

Specific deficits that emerged:
The client was experiencing the paralysing feeling of worthlessness and depression because he couldn't find a way to abandon the values that had imposed on him as a child in favour of the values that are more harmonious with his internal experience. He desperately needed to do so because he was stagnating and "drying up"- personally and professionally.

Plans for action that were made:
- client to explore the financial implications of leaving his current position
- client to explore opportunities for working from home as a consultant on a part time basis
- client to discuss his feelings with his wife to assess her willingness to support a change in their circumstances

What has happened:
Client discussed situation with his wife and was surprised to find that she would be relieved if he left work. She was concerned for his health...and believed they could manage adequately. Client and his wife reshaped their finances- including informing the children that they could no longer support them. The client learned to cook exceptionally well and he enjoys catering for family and friends enormously. Client occasionally compares himself unfavourably with richer people, but is able to "shake himself out" of that comparison by reminding himself of the joy he now has.