Heart opens the mind

One participant asked a Dharma teacher how to help a friend who had great difficulty accepting the fact that his son is gay. The mother being a staunch Catholic felt a sense of immense grief. The question asked was whether the only solution lies in the mother learning to accept the son's sexual orientation.

The teacher reckoned it may be difficult for the lady to do that overnight given the steep religious adherence and a lifetime of conditioning. However he said the lady can try opening her heart because "the heart will open the mind".

I feel this advice is also applicable in many other circumstances. Quite often we find ourselves caught in situations unsure of how to comfort a person in deep distress. We worry about saying inappropriate things which may make things worse or we may be self conscious of our own unease, either tongue tied or stumbling with words. Hence many would try to avoid such tough and awkward situations. Yet when we authentically feel and care for the person the appropriate response comes naturally to mind. It may not necessary be words. The ego self always rushes for something to say when a hug or a gentle touch would have shown that you cared. Till this day more than a decade after my mother passed away I can still remember feeling really comforted when a caring colleague touched my shoulders. Very often just your presence and a listening ear is all that matters.

Also I find this to be true when counselling children. When you open your heart to how the child feels it opens your mind to the appropriate strategy or some creative response.

In Chinese, the word for mind and heart is the same  心. Perhaps recognising that the heart is the centre of cognition, the Chinese use one word to represent both. I guess when the mother mentioned in the first paragraph really opens her heart to know her son well enough she will probably know what to do.

There is no gender toys

Some weeks back I facilitated sand-play  therapy with a 10 year old boy who is very closed up and reluctant to share his thoughts and feelings with the social workers at the Children's Home. He has very few visits from his parents. Other boys in the home like to make fun of his mildly effeminate mannerism and his preference for female company. When I first saw him he struck me as a very pleasant and gentle character.

The accessories I use for sand-play therapy include a sand tray, symbols and figurines as well as some common toys. Depending on the gender of the client I will display items that are often selected within easier reach. For example from my experience most boys like to play with combat figures. Hence I will display them nearer to the tray when the session involves a boy and household play items when the session is with a girl. Favourite items like marbles and treasure chest well loved by all are also positioned for easy access.

As the boy engaged with play he whispered to himself making remarks or stories about the items he selected to place in the tray. One noticeable trait about his first sand-tray story was the absence of any human figure or animal. Instead inanimate objects were used to express weariness and hardwork like "the marbles need to rest" and the "truck is small but is very hardworking". The lack of human touch in his life seemed evident.

As the session progressed I noticed the boy was using some substitute items to play cooking. Due to space constraint I had placed a bag of toy cooking utensils and tea sets under the table which he had not noticed. When I drew his attention to it he was delighted and played with them for quite a long while to "cook a meal and make tea" for both of us. Some sand play therapists believe when a child plays cooking food he or she is exhibiting a need for nurture or to nurture. When the session was over he remarked that the toy cooking and tea sets "are more fun than normal toys" and asked whether he could come another time to play the same. (Notice his use of the word normal)

In a sand-play session the facilitator impresses on the client that the session belongs to him and he is free to play as he likes. There is no right or wrong nor rules to abide as long as he does not hurt himself or the therapist. The aim is to provide a safe and secure ambiance for the client to explore his feelings.

It makes me wonder whether that was the first time the boy was playing cooking without fear of being ridiculed. Perhaps it may also be the first time he felt normal. It struck me how gender stereotyping can stifle true identities.

I will now abandon any ideas about toys having gender preferences, realizsing the danger of generalization. This is to ensure each child can be empowered to define himself or herself  and not be stifled by what society expects of him or her to confine to.

Solar Eclipse & What we don't know

On 8th March one day before the Total Solar Eclipse I started to gather some coloured bottles & plates and also dug out some x-ray films. Based on the sun's direction at around 8am I even marked the best spot just opposite my house where the sun is usually visible without blockage.

Around 7.30 am on 9th March (when the total eclipse just began) I went to the chosen spot with a green coloured empty bottle in hand. Peering at the sun through the bottle was astonishingly blinding. I tried again a bit later but could not make much of the phenomena. I then went home to fetch the X-ray film and placed it very close to my eyes. Lo and behold, almost like magic, I saw a sun like a crescent moon. Awed and dumbfounded I fastened my eyes to the image as the sun grew darker and darker. How amazing! The naked eye could only perceive an ordinary cloudy day like before a tropical storm, ignorant of this remarkable phenomena taking place.

This makes me wonder how much more things we are oblivious of in our world and in our lives. Had astronomy not gone this far the myths and superstitions that were associated with such 'strange'' happenings would have lived on for generations with the blind leading the blind. We only know as much as our senses can detect, understand only from the knowledge we can acquire and the limits science can discover; as well as believe and value things in our lives according to generally accepted social norms and values.

Knowing about the billions of other worlds in the universe already makes one feel so incredibly small and insignificant or meaningless the things we are so hung up on. As someone once said "Nothing compares to the perspective, the shock, or the excitement, of being reminded of what we don't know".

It makes me also wonder about all the religious beliefs we have about after life, how very very little we must be knowing.

Is it Just About Me?

Is it just about me? or
Is it not about me?

Sometimes I wonder whether I should go all out to please myself and live by the principle that it is Just About ME. So If I enjoy doing story telling at the library more than anything else I should spend all my spare time doing just that instead of allocating time for other volunteer work. What holds me back is knowing that many out there need help. Although volunteer work brings contentment it is often taxing and can never be compared to the fun derived from story telling.

Sometimes I also dream of offloading all duties and responsibilities to family to pursue a care free lifestyle. The romantic notion of spending months at a time in different parts of the world seems so enticing. However you know there are close ones who need someone to provide decent meals, to talk to or just be present.

In many other little things in daily life there is this constant tussle between pleasing ourselves versus pleasing others. For example I like to watch TV serial drama but when my children see me doing that they will pass comments about me wasting time or ask whether I have read this link or that article they have sent me. They always want me to acquire knowledge and grow my mind but I just want to indulge in simple lazy pleasures; so I feel more relaxed watching TV drama when they are not around. Similarly an afternoon at a movie or shopping mall is definitely more pleasurable than a visit to an elderly uncle at the nursing home. Very often the visit to the nursing home is fueled by guilt (because he has requested that you come more often) but almost inevitably every visit ends with you feeling glad and telling yourself you should do it more often.

I guess for people who go all out to serve others the concept of "I" relative to "they" is faint and not so distinctive. Their sense of self is probably not strong and seems to merge with that of others, hence they feel fulfilled when others' needs are met. This is the concept of non duality.

So Is it just about me or Is it not about me? For me, for now at least, it lies somewhere in between. It's a long climb towards non duality.

(Note: I was in a contemplative mood thinking about the above subject on a Sunday morning whilst doing my taiji and feeling the energy of the surroundings, the trees, the wind and the birds and my own)

Have a peaceful journey

One unique experience living in a landed property in Singapore is when a death occurs in your neighbour's house. It may be a normal mundane morning when suddenly lorry loads of fold-able tables and white plastic chairs arrive or you may come home after work to find white tentages erected in your neighbour's house. Such was the case when I returned home one afternoon to find preparations for a funeral wake taking place directly next door. The couple with their 2 children are just a few years younger than me and there aren't any old folks living with them. Gingerly my husband and me called on them to find out what happened before the coffin arrived. You may say it was a bit of a relief for us when my neighbour and his wife greeted us at the door.

Apparently my neighbour has a brother who lived in US with his family. He had died suddenly and being a Singaporean wanted to be cremated and have his final resting place back home. Hence the funeral wake was held in my neighbour's house. We made another trip to pay our respect and I noticed the coffin was placed in the living room.

Now it is usual for me to take my afternoon nap on the sofa in my living room. That afternoon after the visit, as I lay down on the sofa I thought of the coffin next door, just separated by a common wall. At first I thought it spooky but then I began to contemplate accepting death and not to fear it as encouraged in Buddhist teachings.

As I write this blog I am looking out of my dining room where a funeral is taking place next door. A bereavement van is parked outside my house. A priest in white  robes walks past and I hear the singing of hymns. The van is then driven into the house. A bus stops in front of my house and people get onto the bus apparently to attend the church for the final service. Now all is quiet and all the vehicles have left.

I remember many years ago when my brother in law passed away I was in the bus heading for the crematorium. As the bus was travelling up a flyover I looked down at the vehicles criss crossing the lanes below. I thought to myself then, one person has left us and "the world goes on" as if nothing has happened. In most other funerals that I attend I have this same feeling, a sense of confusion, of not being able to grasp the reality of death whilst the world goes on as if none the worse. But such is life. Death touches the heart of the loved ones but with time they will heal and life goes on. Death dwells  side by side with living. Just like this morning I could hear my neighbour playing with the granddaughter of his deceased brother at the backyard. "Look at the bird" he said pointing to the chirping bird on the fence as the little toddler squealed with delight and their dog barked and my cat napped separated by a low barricade. All these when a dead body laid in their house.

May you have a peaceful journey and May the hearts of your family heal soon and carry on their lives with bearable pain and beautiful memories.

Fun in the Din

There were about 10 children when we were about to start the story telling session yesterday having just sung "The Library Welcome Song" (lyrics composed by me incidentally). We were interrupted by a knock on the door and in trooped about 7 autistic teenagers accompanied by 3 social workers. I greeted my unexpected guests cheerfully and when they settled down I got the children to sing the library song again. From how the teenagers behaved I knew they are rather low functioning and I wasn't sure how the session will progress. Nevertheless I proceeded in my normal way, flavouring the story with exaggerated animal sound and cartoon voices. What I didn't expect was a lot of echoing and imitation of the sound that I made from the teenagers for it is quite common for autistic kids to repeat sound and words they hear. The only problem was they were doing this loudly without control and the social workers had to try their best to quieten them.

Now it is also usual for me to inject a lot of jokes and adult sarcasms in the portrayal of my characters, more for my own pleasure and for that of accompanying parents and maids. Yesterday amongst my audience there happened to be a easily tickled grandmother who let out peals of laughter more often than appreciated. Needless to say she added on to the din which was already increasingly difficult to manage. At one stage one social worker had to leave the room with one of the teenagers. I could see that the parents were also feeling a bit uneasy. (The session was specifically mentioned for kids below 6 years although many primary kids like to join in).

The real heroes were really my 10 little kids. They were glued to my story and took it in their stride the loud exaggerated response from the teenagers seated behind them as if it was mere over enthusiasm. They did not reinforce the din nor did they seem scared when one of the teenagers lay on the floor refusing to get up. Encouraged by them I decided to carry on with my usual drama much to the pleasure of grandma and the children. I don't know how much the teenagers have taken in the story but they applauded loudly imitating the social workers.

I realise the children were just being their natural selves not affected by any thoughts and pre-conceived notions about the group of people sitting behind them. Unlike their parents, they were not yet conditioned to expect certain decorum of the teenagers and seemed to accept them as fellow story listeners eager for some excitement.

At the end of the story, WE all had good fun didn't we? That's all that matters, really.

CNY Banters

My daughter sent me a a website that has gone viral which the writer cheekily describes as "Power Plays or Micro-aggressions" during CNY when "banter about your boy/girl" is prevalent. The writer invites people to add on to the list of things that aunties and uncles say at CNY gatherings. It drew a lot of responses with an inexhaustible list of overheard comments that make your eyes roll in disbelief at the insensitive things that people can actually say. Very often the remarks made by relatives have the underlying intention to show off whilst other remarks simply show insensitivity or intentional sarcasm.

Some of the outrageous things that people say include:

-Can't find boyfriend yet? Better set your standards lower, you are almost 30
-You so fast getting married next year? Wah! for the first time in your life, you managed to beat your brother at something
-Every year my mum tries to 'raise' my value by replying to my relatives that there are guys 'chasing' me but I'm not interested
-You are in poly? My son is in NUS/NTU
-You taking Arts? Graduate do what? My son is taking Law
-Wah you look so dark, you look like a maid

 and the list goes on and on showing how people like to be one up or are insensitive to other peoples' plight. Here is the link if you are interested
https://vulcanpost.com/527032/google-docs-of-cny-power-play-goes-viral/

No wonder many youngsters dread CNY visitings. Honestly not only the youngsters, even parents like me dread those often repeated questions about whether my children have BF/GF. In a vain attempt to stop this question I announced that my son is more interested in saving up to pursue further studies and not interested in girls. Can you imagine what a rude shock I got when someone asked "Is he interested in boys if he is not interested in girls?" I replied, that in all honesty he is interested in neither being a philosophical hermit who just loves to pursue knowledge and think (but can you imagine how parents of LGBTs feel). What really affects me a little however is when my sister-in-law seeing how I love to play with her grand kids and out of goodness of heart insinuated to my daughter to help fulfill my wish. When true meaning people pass such remarks it can be worse because you are convinced by them that you lack something.

Coming back to why people like to 'raise the value' of their kids; it is really another ego trip. This is especially so amongst  Asians because children are like extensions of themselves. I think some people have to put others down to assure themselves they are OK.

There is an underlying irrational belief in many people that they can not live with the inequality of not having what others have, hence the constant need to be better or at least equal to others. Accepting the inequality of not having what other have can be learnt and with practice will brace us through banters at many future CNY gatherings.