Help needed for youths at risk

A writer in yesterday's forum page suggests that the government engages "at-risk" youths in sports or the arts. He quoted statistics on the increase of drug abusers in the Malay youths vs the decline in other races. He cited a possible cause being the increase in dysfunctional families and rising income inequality. He believes that engaging these youths intensively in either sports or arts will help not only to occupy their "unsupervised idle time" but give them a sense of achievement  in other area.

Having engaged with children and teenagers in a Children's home and a Girl's home for Malays I do agree with his views. The residents from the homes are from dysfunctional families, usually lagging in academic performance. Coupled with the desolate feelings of being abandoned they are at great risk of school failure and juvenile delinquency. During my initial engagement with them I was often taken aback by how far behind their English proficiency and mathematical skills were relative to their school cohort. What made things worse is the hidden anger and sadness within them which I feel consumes their inner energy resulting in listlessness and the inability to focus in school. In  a vicious cycle poor academic performance leads to low self esteem and greater vulnerability to delinquency and drug abuse.

Ironically, the Children's Home received many donations in kinds. Second hand pianos, electric organs, violins and all kinds of books lined the shelves. Unfortunately there are no volunteers to teach the kids to play these instruments. The Girl's Home on the other hand has the benefit of pro-Bono chefs, hair stylists and dancers who gave the girls lessons. The girls whom I engage often talk enthusiastically about these lessons. I guess they derive some sense of accomplishment from them. They however bemoaned the lack of volunteers who can teach them to sing.

Just last week I had a session with a 12 year old boy. As he entered the room it struck me that the boy has grown and is no longer the child I first met. Though his mannerism generally remained child like I noticed some teenager defiance, which could have arisen from the disappointment that his mother did not bring him home for a single weekend during the school holiday. It then struck me what a vulnerable position he is in and silently wish that things would turn out well for him.

Clearly a lot more needs to be done to help these children and teenagers.

The Bereaved and those with Hardened hearts

Caught the film ' Interstellar'.  The scene which affected me most was when Cooper, the pilot of the spacecraft rushed to watch the video recordings sent by his family after realizing he had lost 23 earth years when in actual fact he was only away from his spacecraft for 3 hours descending a wormhole in space to explore a planet. The video recordings showed his children growing into adults and his father aging, all wondering year after year when he will be returning to earth and if at all. There was very good acting when Cooper broke down grieving the years he missed out on his loved ones. His father had passed on too. The poignant scene brings out a sense of inevitability, the inability to control time fleeting past us and the feeling of being a helpless bystander in the lives of our loved ones. It also reminds me of the difficulty we will face when the time of our own departure arrives. Hence in Buddhism, when a person is dying, whilst surrounding him with love, his loved ones should give him permission and blessings to die so as to lessen his grasping and attachment.

Watching the news coverage on the carnage inflicted by Taleban terrorists in the Pakistani school massacre was heart wrenching. It is unimaginable how the grasping to a certain cause had hardened so much the hearts of the attackers to commit such a heinous crime against innocent children. The grief stricken faces of the victims' parents revealed the torment of their bereavement and brings to mind the sufferings from attachment. It would be  extremely difficult for the bereaved families to let go not only because the loss was sudden and unexpected but also its underlying brutal and cruel circumstances.

This incident, the Sydney cafe siege, the mindless sporadic killings of ordinary people everywhere leaves one feeling gloomy about our world. Yet we can only pray for the people who harbour such intense hatred in their hearts and for the bereaved that their pain can be eased.

 "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Good Life and Good Earth

Mingling with the crowd, dazzled by the Xmas decorations and walking from one Orchard Road mall to another I suddenly wonder whether there is another way to have economic growth and employment in our world without the need for consumer spending. I think of the excessive things an average family has at home, be it clothing, utensils, furniture, electrical appliances etc etc and at the great variety of brand and choices in every single  consumer product and how the limited world resources are depleted to feed this insatiable human desire of material needs. Just when I wonder whether some form of social awakening can allow our earth to heal and replenish I was confronted with the thought of high unemployment amongst youths in so many countries and how economic growth is vital to avoid a wasted generation. Is there another way out ie. economic growth without consumer spending?

I thought my question was miraculously answered when an article in yesterday's BT entitled "Low growth and the good life" caught my eyes. In it the question asked was "Is there a way of living with slower growth?" It then followed with this comment "The beginning of an answer is to recognise that economy should serve society, rather than the other way around. What this means is that the economy's social task is to provide the conditions in which people can lead good lives".

The article then borrowed Aristotle's concept of good life which encompasses the well being of both body and mind where health and material comfort satisfy the earlier and mind preoccupations with value, creativity, appreciation of beauty, intellectual curiosity and life's meaning the later. However  the growing loneliness and depression in developed countries "suggests that a materialistic-only philosophy is not in accord with human nature."

Sad to say the article ended in a clueless note. What a disappointment. It did mention the Green movement as a possible place to look for answers but also described the movement's futile efforts and ineffective suggestions amongst which is sharing work to solve unemployment.The article did however reminds that a "mindset that values the good life" is an essential starting point.

I guess my dream of a Good life and a Good Earth will remain just a dream for the time being.

Beware of disguised altruism

There is something about volunteer work that is sometimes tainted with self interest.

I was asked to try sandplay therapy with a few girls in a girls' home who are not responding to talk therapy and who are either difficult to manage or keep very much to themselves. The first few sessions were fine where the stories or symbols selected clearly reflected the problems the girls faced in their exterior world and some inner desires. However before they could go deeper and process their issues through sandplay therapy they declared they are bored with sandplay and treated the session like a free for all. They requested for art and craft and favours to download music etc.

This has caught me a bit by surprise because I didn't really have this problem working with children in  the children's home. Similarly I have gathered from books and videos that adults could unearth and process their issues through successive sandplay sessions, something which we too experienced whilst working with our partners attending the course. I had thought that the girls being older would be able to process better by verbalizing their issues through the symbols selected. Instead they expressed boredom after 2 to 3 sessions. It then dawns on me that unlike an adult who looked for therapy these girls were 'coerced' into therapy with no intention of helping themselves and sharing their deep issues with anyone.

So I played along bringing art and craft material, downloading and playing the songs which they requested and thinking to myself "what the hell am I doing here?" and "Am I actually a nanny or a therapist?" This is where self centredness sets in. Thoughts like " these sessions have no value for ME" started to surface. There wasn't anything concrete out of these sessions which I could document  in my case notes either. The image of myself more of an entertaining grandma than a professional therapist bothered me. "Am I deceiving myself that I am doing something worthwhile?"

Then my Buddhist training pulls me back to see how much self centredness is wrapped within these thoughts. Clearly I have to be wary of volunteering as disguised self interest.

So I continued as long as they want me to visit. It doesn't matter in what capacity I come. In one of the sessions I let my hair down closed my eyes and danced spontaneously to the hot music. I am sure I would made any "aunty" feel embarrassed for me. (Just like how I would sometimes feel at story telling sessions in front of the parents). The girl whom earlier on had thrown tantrum at the staff and who had come in hot and defiant eventually broke into smiles and laughter. I told her to join me and said it was fine to express our feelings through body movements. She didn't; but the wall between us has been torn down for she began to tell me and more about herself the following session onwards.

Giving Back- yet another angle

Giving back as described by Bernake is giving back to society what we have benefited including the good fortune to be born with intelligence, strong physiques, good look and in a privileged environment.


Recently I gathered a new concept about "Giving back" from a podcast talk. Giving back takes on a new meaning when viewed as giving back all that we are. "All that we are?" What are we in the first place? Here is my own interpretation or how I feel about it. I guess basically we are given a form, sensations, thoughts and consciousness, something we inherit from the universe. Giving back is intrinsically returning this being to the universe, this borrowed self. When you think along these lines, it gives you a sense that "it's not all about me" and helps loosen the grasp on your identity. Everything about 'me' begins to shed some significance. It can be quite liberating. It also makes you feel the urge to do something nurturing.

Giving back for me is more like reconnecting as if I want to suffuse myself with the largeness. Working and engaging with children helps me achieve this in some small ways. Being with nature is another. Small ways but they do bring joy.

Changing scene in Hokkaido

Visited Hokkaido during the second week of November. First thing the local tour guide commented was about the time we chose to visit as the last autumn leaves have fallen and the snow has yet to come. Despite the barren trees, the grayish landscape can actually be quite beautiful in its own way. I would have enjoyed the scenery more had I not googled (marveling at the stunningly colourful fields in summer and the brilliant lights during the snow festival in winter) and blamed myself continuously for not doing more research on the best time to visit. This is a typical example of not enjoying the moment fully, clouded by the thought of missing on something better, in simple word 'greed'.

Then out of the blue, just 2 days before the tour ended, the weather took pity on us and delighted us with some light drifting snow flakes. That night it turned into a heavy snowfall and I watched in bewilderment from the hotel window the grounds and the cars gathering layers after layers of snow. The next day as we retraced the route we had travelled before, the sceneries had changed overnight into miles and miles of white landscape, a far cry from the yellowish brown fields the day before. A thick blanket of white covered the horizon. Snow was everywhere leading right up to the doorway of houses. I wondered about people living in temperate countries, how they need to adapt to waking up in the morning to find they could not get out of their house, and how they need to react accordingly.

As miles and miles of whiteness rolled before my eyes I felt the meaning of change at another level, its unpredictability, its suddenness and how it can be beyond control. It is similar with life I guess. One needs to be prepared and have the shovel ready to clear the snow when it blocks the doorway.

Working with Fears

Heard this podcast on working with fears. A saying mentioned therein which I thought worthy of deeper understanding is "as long as you imagine yourself to be something tangible and solid, a thing amongst things, you seem short lived and vulnerable and you will be anxious to survive. But when you know yourself to be beyond space and time you will be afraid no longer".

Though I may not fully comprehend, what holds true for me is the feeling that the tighter one holds onto a solid self, the more fears one has to overcome. This is becauses there will be much to protect and uphold and much fears of losing.

Having said that it is precisely this primal survival instinct that kept humans alive for generations. Without the fight or flight instincts the human species would long have been wiped out. In today's world however the majority of people are rarely in physical danger; yet people all over are plagued by fear and anxieties. This arises largely from how one views oneself amongst others, basically there is a lot of judging.

The talk then suggested ways to work with fears which include:

1. Trying to feel into something larger or sensing the truth of our belonging or that oceaness. 
There are several ways to do this, direct ways to calm our nerves. One is through sensing the connection with the earth like feeling the weight of our feet on the ground or the sense of gravity. Another way is through our breadth; where with each slow in breadth we feel our body and with each out breadth we feel our way into something larger. We can also touch our nervous heart or belly spreading warmth over the nervous body.

2. Remembering Love
Recall and remember the loving energy of someone or visualise any source of loving connection. This can be your mother or grandma, a deity or spiritual figure or even nature. It is important to show gestures of kindness to oneself through say a simple warm touch of the hand or heart or words of kindness for oneself.

3. Having sensed that oceaness or largeness, contact the waves
After feeling the space and the connectedness into something larger we then meet the fear. With a more stable and collected self, feel the fear in our body. Take notice of the part in our body that hurts or is constricted. Take deep breadths as we watch the fear. In the largeness of things and the loving sense of belonging even though the fear is still present it does not seem so intimidating and is more manageable. A simile given is like putting dye in a lake instead of dye in a basin of water.

I think these are good suggestions to be put into practice and acquire as habits.
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Expectations

An article in today's Mind and Body mentioned a couple when asked the secret of their 35 years happy marriage  replied "Low expectation". Indeed lowering one's expectation in life seems to be the formula for a happier state of mind.

Now some surveys have shown that Singaporeans are quite an unhappy and dissatisfied lot despite all the basics like housing and medical care being well provided relative to any other country. It strikes me that the cause may lie in the very essence of its success and written in our national pledge "so as to achieve happiness, prosperity and progress for our nation". It has been ingrained in us the dire need to be competitive, to be better than most and to be almost flawless to survive given our lack of resources in the global arena. It's not a bad thing, this mentality, for it has catapulted us to a living standard beyond the previous generation's imagination and to an almost flawless state run organisation. However there may also be some unwholesome psychological and social by-products. We expect high standards of everything almost to a point of frenzy, we are fearful of not being better than others, and most important we are puzzled why happiness is missing in the same platter that served prosperity and progress. In short we can not take shortcomings in our stride including the very fact that life is never perfect. In addition the Millennial generation was  also brought up to believe they can always achieve anything that they set their mind on and very often that's almost everything. In itself aiming high is not bad but when carried too far without doses of reality it is dangerously unhealthy.

Nevertheless as we mellow with age we will learn through the hard way to live and let live, especially with things beyond our control. I also believe that Gen Y will acquire great wisdom along the way (albeit the painful way) and eventually develop a healthy wholesome outlook surpassing that of their parents, and in the process realising that some of their wild ambitions are delusional.

As the following quote will remind us:
 "Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect, it means you have decided to look beyond imperfections",
we will sing along with the Beatles : 'Whisper words of wisdom, Let it be'

Mother of Universe

I had a challenging client yesterday morning.. When I went to the Home for my first session with this girl, she was nowhere to be found. They had to track her down. When she entered the room she just plonked herself angrily on the chair, staring into space, seemingly oblivious to the vast collection of colourful symbols, figurines and little toys displayed on the table in front of her. I remarked softly that she seemed to be a bit upset and that it was ok for her to sit there as long as she wanted. I sat a metre away to gave her space. Awhile later I drew my seat a bit closer but remained quiet. I was reminded of Robin William in "Goodwill Hunting" and psycho myself that it was ok to sit with the client without uttering a single word for the whole session.

We sat there in silence and through the glass doors stared at the heavy rain beating onto the floor of the basket ball court outside. It was a gray and wet morning somehow befitting the mood of the teenage girl whose face gradually looked more sad than angry. "Being there for the client" I experienced this at another level yesterday.

Gradually she gingerly poked one finger into the sand tray, drawing patterns on the surface with it. With a bit of prompting she progressed to engaging a hand and then both hands. There is something about the texture of sand that draws people in once they touch it. From then on it was a lot of feeling, lifting, sprinkling, scooping, sculpting and shuffling with both hands. Younger kids sometimes tell you straight in the face that they love the sand or they want to eat it or they want to step into the tray and bury their whole body in it. Perhaps it is some form of tactile connection with nature or earth or perhaps it is like letting go and trusting Mother Universe to take us into her charge when we are lost. Almost inevitably there will be some ease and some relief.The girl went on to select a few symbols to place in the sand, all rather reflective of her inner issues.

I walked out that morning with ease and quiet peace because the picture of her last tray bears much hope despite the hurt reflected in the interim trays. The last tray was that of levelled sand adorned with a myriad of colorful marbles and topped with a glass prism. When reviewing a Sandpicture there is a checklist to guide therapists. Under a sub heading called 'Therapist's feeling response" is one which prompts the therapist to recall any image emerging in his or her mind.

For me the last tray was like a universe of planets and stars. It lifted me and I hope  her too.

Early retirement?

25 responses were published yesterday in response to Straits Times' question 'At what age do you wish to retire, and why?'

I did a brief summary of them. Out of the 25 replies, 7 or 35% targeted 60 as the age they want to retire. At the same time another 7 do not wish to retire at all ie. preferring to work as long as health permits albeit at a slower pace when age catches up. 2 remark that a person should look for a job which one is passionate about so that it does not seem like work quoting Confucius "Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life." At the other extreme 3 out of 25 want to call it a day at 45 so that they can travel and indulge in their hobbies. To complete the statistical count, another 3 wish to retire at 50, 2 at 55 and 1 at 65. It seem that 60 is the most desired retirement age with a minority targeting to retire younger.

Amongst the reasons for wanting to retire, the most often quoted is the longing to travel, followed by the wish to spend more time with family and the urge to do community or volunteer work. The wish to continue working on the other hand is supported by the need to be socially engaged, to stay relevant, to keep the mind and body alert and to impart their know how.

Placing myself against the above sampling, I belong to the minority having retired below 55. There were more push factors than pull factors in my case. The benefits of early retirement are indeed as described by these people; more frequent travel and more importantly travel without a worried work- burdened mind, certainly more time with family (including extended family) and of course more time for volunteer work.

On the flip side of the coin, although I went on to pursue some studies, I must admit that only a demanding job can keep the mind really rigorous and alert. Even ST journalist Dennis Chan had to admit in today's Sunday Times that nearing 50 he is now no longer so presumptuous as before that his cognitive faculties will forever prevent him from falling prey to swindlers out to cheat old folks of their money. I think the surest way to keep the brain cells active is  having to solve daily work problems. Just a stormy weather forecast from your boss' secretary will keep your brain juice churning summoning all your EQs and IQs  on how best to avoid being caught in the storm. On the other hand one must of course be aware there is a wealth of data to show that stress is harmful to the brains.

At the end of the day I will still opt to enjoy the benefits of retirement, forgo the stress and just find happier ways to stimulate the mind. My only challenge is disciplining myself to engage in daily  activities that keep the brain juice churning and minimise  lazy hobbies like watching TV dramas.

Musical Evening

Reluctantly I accepted 2 tickets from my sister for the Harmonica nite. She performed in 3 items including the first. During the first piece when certain high notes almost pierced my ear drums I whispered to my husband that I have never liked harmonica music and I needed to brace myself for a tough evening. I was even contemplating an excuse to leave after the break if I could meet her during the interval. As the majority of the performers were senior citizens, the audience also comprised largely of middle aged and senior citizens with some grandchildren in the crowd.

Surprisingly as the evening progressed the expected boredom that I perceived turned to light merriment. In fact I must say my husband who grew up listening to folk/old songs over Chinese radio stations seemed to be enjoying himself. What a far cry from the deadpan look and steady stream of yawns during Western concerts which I used to drag him along in a blue blue moon. To be fair to my initial misjudgement , the first item had the disadvantage of teething mike adjustments and my sister's group was relatively amateurish. As better trained and more experienced harmonica players took the stage, some good pieces were show cased. A more youngish group put up a remarkable composition of  斗牛士进行曲 (les toreadors) and other popular western classical favourites. What was more unexpected was the spontaneity of the audience. All the 'uncles', 'aunties', grandpa and grandma clapped along when told to do so. I also found myself singing along with many others when even my sister's amateur group struggled to keep the right tempo whilst playing TV themes and karaoke favourites like 万水千山总是情  and 越来香.

One item which left an impression on me was a rock and roll piece performed by a male soloist in his early forties. It was not perfect harmonica music but it was his total enjoyment delivering it accompanied by his own choreographed movements, the authentic joy exuding from his whole embodiment that led to a roar of applause from the audience. The guy's 2 young daughters were excitedly taking snapshots of him downstage, what a gift from dad.

He expressed the joy in music and I was reminded of it and wondered why I had abandoned it. Andrew Lloyd Webber was once my favourite and I often remarked to my children "What would the world be without Andrew Lloyd Webber!".  I used to love singing, was in a choir once, had the dvd player on whilst bathing or sang in the bathroom. Somehow along the way everything stopped beginning when the nature of my career took a very busy turn. Inexplicably the pleasure of music just floated away in thin air.

The evening ended when the combined groups, for encore played 高山青 to the delight of the audience who spontaneously sang along in great merriment. Think again if you think our generation and that before us are not sporting at performances!

Yesterday I was reminded "What would the world be without music"

Sympathy needed

Today whilst taking a shuttle from SGH to the Outram MRT, a heavily overweight man got up from the National Heart Centre. I don't know his name but did recognize him as an ex-colleague. He looked very much older than when I last saw him 7 years ago and can certainly be considered as obese.  Instinctively I lowered my head to avert meeting his eyes as he occupied 2 seats in the small bus. Rightly or wrongly I thought he might feel embarrassed about his weight when meeting someone he knows . At the bus stop I was behind him whilst waiting for the senior people in front to take their time to alight. As he stepped down slowly one old man in the bus commented loudly "What a clumsy man". I was taken aback and gave the old man a dagger stare.

Of course the old man's behavior is not typical of the general public but I do get a feeling that most Singaporeans tend to be sympathetic only with people who are afflicted with physical illnesses (which they too may succumb when bad luck strikes) and less with people afflicted with mental disorder, addictions, differing sexual orientations or physical appearances out of the norm.

Not long ago at a gathering of friends the conversation turned to another friend who is suffering from depression and who did not show up. A remark was made by someone that if the depressed person chooses to be so inward looking and does not help himself by being more active socially no one could help him. Another person in the group was puzzled as to why someone can suffer from depression without a circumstantial trigger,ie. when things seem fine for him.

Generally there is a lack of sympathy when one is deemed to be not making sufficient effort  to get better when it is within one's perceived ability to do so. Unfortunately  this attitude is increasingly extended to physically ill people who may be accused of not having the will to fight the disease when they turn down more aggressive treatment options.

I guess the least we can do is not to be judgmental and if possible be patient and just be there for them. I should have acknowledged my ex-colleague with a smile.

In a trance from China TV dramas

I have a weakness for China made TV dramas in a historical setting especially those during the pre and post WWII China (in particular with CCP vs KMT conflict and civil war). Recently I watched 2 of such, "Red Dust" on Starhub and "Huang Yanpei" on dvd. Since both are made in China there is of course loads of KMT slandering. Refusing to adopt a more objective view, I just enjoyed believing that Chiang Kai Shek is a true villain.

Inevitably, however, I would walk away after these shows thinking about the lives of ordinary people in China during that era. Of course my perception is obtained mainly from such dramas and the limited modern Chinese history I took in school and may in no way represent the real facts.  Nevertheless I am always kept pondering about the Chinese people who had to make decisions in 1949 whether to flee to Taiwan, HK and overseas or to remain in China. In particular I wonder how those intellectuals who remained (believing in the making of a better society under Communist rule) and later suffered the persecutions during the Cultural Revolution would have felt about the road they had chosen.

I imagined to myself 2 persons, one a corrupt official under KMT who amassed enough wealth to flee overseas versus perhaps an academician or engineer who remained in China to help rebuild a new country but who was later declared a counter revolutionist by the Red Guard and persecuted. If I were in the latter's shoes where my best intentions lead to disaster, what philosophy in life or approach I would need to adopt to lessen the feeling of painful injustice in destinies.

Heritage trail

Last week my siblings and I made a short trip (out of nostalgia) to KL, the place where we grew up. It is quite amazing that the flat that we lived in still stands, though in a state of filthy grime and debilitation. Jalan Alor more than 50 years ago where I first touched foot as a child was a quiet dead end street with a row of 3-storey residential flats. From the balcony of our 3rd floor flat we could gaze at the moon above a durian tree, standing tall amongst other trees and undergrowth in a piece of unused land across the narrow street. Jalan Alor now is a busy food street lined with food stalls and listed in TripAdvisor as one of KL's top attractions. In addition to spending time sipping coffee at a coffee shop which gave us a direct view of our flat, we also climbed the filthy steps that led to the flat and took several pictures of its front and back. We were also enthusiastically sharing with my sister in law amusing anecdotes that happened in that neighborhood.

On the coach trip back to Singapore I began to daydream as usual. I thought of my mother, the centre of our universe within that unit. I could even feel her hopes, her worries and her dreams for her whole brood that pulsated within that abode. I reflected on how we have turned out and concluded that most of her worries were unnecessary but at the same time nothing which she tried so hard to plan could forestall  some unpleasant experiences that befell us. In other words we have our own life destinies to follow.

Yet with the image of the flat lodged in my mind, I imagined what I would do to it. I felt the urge to clear the flat, empty everything in it, scrub away all the grime, suck out all the filth, pull down all fixtures, whitewash the empty walls, strengthen the pillars and rebuild a home.

Another day we also did a short heritage trail retracing by foot the route which my brother took to go to school and then continued on foot to the road where my father's shop was situated. St. John's institution still stands in all its grandeur on the hill top but in place of my father's shop is  a boutique hotel. We joked that we should check into the exact room where the shop used to be, just to relive the presence of the past. There was and still is a western colonial cafe just opposite my father's shop. I had always wondered what the interior was like. Fifty over years of wondering materialised when we stepped in for coffee last week. We examined the old photos on its walls just to see whether our father's picture is amongst those faded yellow frames. My brother then chatted with the guy manning the counter who seemed to be the boss and discovered they were from the same alma mater. We also got from him the direction to the famous Ampang yong tau fu. Before we left we asked him whether he actually owned the cafe to which he retorted, "If I am the boss, I would be like you going places and looking for Ampang yang tau fu."

We also fantasized what we would have been had we remained in KL and not come back to Singapore. "Haha I might have married a Datok and became a Datin," I jested. However given the lack of equal opportunities, being a taxi driver or a hawker might not seem impossible or for that matter a cashier helping tourists find the famous Ampang yang tau fu.

Who Knows?

This too shall pass

Did a bit of counselling with a relative who is advanced in age and feeling lonely and distressed when his wife is hospitalised.

Sometimes when counselling people especially adults, the things I say occasionally bounce back into my consciousness as if an inner voice tells me I should respond to those words at my own personal level as well. So for instance when I asked my relative to recall a past worry that turned out to be totally unnecessary, an inner voice seemed to remind myself of the very same follies I made. Also when he called God a fake for not answering his prayers, I challenged him whether the things he prayed for were really the best solutions. This in turn makes me ask myself how certain I can be that the things I quietly wish for are really in my best interest too.

Then there is " The Story of My Life " which everyone has one and which can be so real and painful for each Ego that writes it. The stubbornly held beliefs, perceptions and memories, the unrelenting habitual emotions that may seem so blatantly logical to abandon; and yet so difficult to do so. I wonder how I would react when put to similar test and whether constant awareness and disciplined rational thinking can override emotional distress.

Witnessing the exhibit of deep hurt reminds me that endurance is so often called for in life.I got him to hold his palm over the pain he felt in his heart and I noticed the constriction eventually subsided for he suddenly began to engage me in mundane conversation.

I then make it a point to remember that no matter how difficult a situation " This too shall pass".

Family Deja Vu

Sometimes deja vu  seems to emerge even in one's own family history. In other words history seems to repeat itself. So you may have heard from your mum the story of a grand uncle who has rather unique characteristics or who has led a life different from the norm. Then you see similar traits in someone of the present generation. Noting the similarities gives us a deeper understanding of the situation and circumstances the earlier generation encountered. Of course going by genetics this may not be a strange phenomenon.

Checking  genetic family history for medical reasons is common and widely used to lower the risk of developing certain illnesses. Now how about checking family history for behavioral traits and tendencies so that one can be more alert in detecting the less favorable traits surfacing in your family's growing young generation. So say if your granduncle was infamous for squandering the family fortunes through gambling, the pathological gambling genes may be lurking in the family tree. Genes may influence a person's temperament and makes him vulnerable to certain triggers. Knowing this fact may alert us to emphasize the ills of such traits to the children in the family.

Needless to say, positive behavioral traits should also be picked up and remembered. So if your fiesty grandmother had no word as 'fear' in her life dictionary, such good genes should also be detected for potential development in her descendants who inherited them.

Then there is this eternal question why some in the family history are blessed with good hereditary traits whilst others struggled with difficult ones. If of any comfort, the following is a quote from Hermann Hesse:

“I have always believed, and I still believe, that whatever good or bad fortune may come our way we can always give it meaning and transform it into something of value.”


So if your granduncle's gambling streaks live in you, you can become a self- aware hedge fund manager who manages money for risk preferring investors.

Foie gra vs pho

I am reeling from the effect of food poisoning most likely from Hanoi's supposedly best French restaurant. Well, my husband's Accor membership allows a 1-for-1 treat in any of the Sofitel restaurats worldwide. So when we could go for this well loved French restaurant's Sunday buffet lunch at just 50% of the usual US$100 per head, we jumped on the opportunity. I must say the only upside this buffet has over any good buffet in Singapore restaurants is its heavenly cakes and pan seared foie gra. The source of my sufferings is likely to be either this foie gra or the oysters.

Yesterday when I was all weak and wobbly from the relentless purging, the very image of oysters, foie gra, red meat or any food at all makes me ready to throw out. Listless and weak I could not even read the backlogged newspapers. Surfing the net wore me out. In between naps and toilet visits I just plonked myself staring blankly at the moving TV screen. Images of my trip to Hanoi rolled in my mind.

With only 3 nights in Hanoi and 2 free nites at Sofitel Metropole (again complimentary from the Accor thingy) we booked a day trip to Tam Coc about 2 hours away from Hanoi. Tam Coc is like Hanoi Bay except the cliffs are along a meandering river and rice fields. Instead of returning to Hanoi with the tour group we requested to be dropped off at a town called Ninh Binh where we had booked a room in a family run inn. The owner chatted with us at length and recommended that we pay a visit to Mua Cave the following day.

It was a misty morning when the car bumped over dirt tracks to our destination. Perhaps it was early or perhaps of the downcast sky we had practically the whole attraction to ourselves other than a lone foreigner and a Vietnamese family of 5. The cave at ground level was not the main attraction but the climb up the 500 steps that meandered up the cliff will reward us with magnificent views of the river lined with limestone cliffs, we were told. The steps were a bit damp that morning. The Vietnamese family of 5, a mother with 2 teenagers, a young boy of about 6 and a toddler maybe about 3 years was behind us when we started off. The mother held the toddler's hand supporting him slowly whilst the other family members raced ahead. Of course I was just slightly ahead of mother and child. A quarter way through my husband spotted 3 billy goats staring at us from an opening above. I clapped my hands to draw the mother/child's attention to quicken their steps. The mother hurried the child along muttering the Vietnamese word for goat several times. We all smiled with delight and made faces at the goats. On another stretch the older boy squeaked repeatedly enjoying the resounding echo. When he disappeared round the corner, I sang a short song to test it out.

It was not an easy climb for me at least because the steps were not even and rather slippery, what more for the mother and child. At one stretch a small group of foreigner coming down applauded the little kid, who was by then fretting a bit, just to spur him on. It started to drizzle at the final stretch. What I didn't expect when we reached the top was a 2 metre statue of the Goddess of Mercy standing on a 6 ft square concrete platform under a tiled pagoda like roof. Just as the family and us reached the top it started to rain and we all sat on the platform, smiling at each other warmly, resting, taking in the magnificent view. feeling very thankful for the shelter and I really felt very peaceful. I didn't mind for the rain to last and did some 'Om Mani Padme Hum' chant.

Sofitel Metropole with its old colonial charm is like Raffles Hotel Singapore. The staff are trained to greet guests cheerfully and engage in light banter. The rooms are very well furnished and luxurious. Every time we pass through the doors, the bell boys greeted us in Japanese (sigh..) The home run inn at Ninh Binh is also superbly clean and comfortable and serves good home cooked breakfast. We feel very at home when the owner requested us to help him by switching off the heater after use.

As picture of the black and white marble flooring of Metropole with its fine dining rooms that serve the evil foie gra or oysters that make me sick, rolled alongside the comfortable room in the inn and the owner's superb recommendation that resulted in some very beautiful moments sitting with the Vietnamese family beside the statue of Kuan Yin, sheltered from the rain, I thought to myself that luxury often pales in comparison to many other experiences.

We really should have just enjoyed the delicious pho at the pho shops in the old quarters of Hanoi instead of the foie gra in the famous French buffet .

Taking in the delight of an economic marvel

The evening of National Day found me and my husband sitting on a mat outside the MBFC towers waiting patiently for the fireworks to start. Taking on the scenes around me (blocks after blocks of  of tall office buildings and the iconic MBS towers afar) I began to marvel at how well our nation has progressed, at least economically. Watching the delightful showers of light in the midst of a crowd seated comfortably on the clean pavement, the distant thunders of fireworks evoked feelings of gratitude for such a liveable city and appreciation of what a long way this nation has come.The recent news of Malaysia Airline System to be delisted has reinforced this feeling, providing a benchmark in our favour.

I recalled way back in 1972 when the then Malaysia Singapore Airlines (MSA), jointly run by both Malaysia and Singapore decided to split ways. I can still remember concerns among Singaporeans that MAS had a brand advantage for retaining abbreviations close to the familiar MSA whilst SIA had to forge a new identity for itself. The 2 airlines have seen different trajectories since then, partially through different management style, work culture and partly because of different luck perhaps.

Another incident which I recalled was the withdrawal of the British Naval Base from Singapore in 1971. (One can imagine how those early 70s were fraught with uncertainties) It was a time of uncertainty because not only were 25,000 jobs lost but the economy was affected. I remembered quite clearly because my uncle used to own a tailoring business in Holland Village right in the hub where the British naval officers and their families shopped and got their daily supplies. It was a lucrative business and I remembered my uncle lamenting to my mother the grim prospects going forward. Not only did he survived but he did very well although I did not follow up with the new business model he adopted.

I guess he was part of the pioneer generation (more like 'pre-pioneer') who had that " never say die " attitude that was so typical of the LKY's generation and which had brought us to what we are today, an economic marvel of the world.

Time to 做梦?

Interesting and sometimes weird advice can be found in Li Ka Shing's "The art of becoming rich" appearing in ST last Saturday.

I shall perhaps list the useful ones first before mulling over the funny ones. First of all he bundles a person's monthly salary into 5 sets of funds for living expenses, expanding interpersonal circle, learning, overseas holiday and investing.

Basically there is strong emphasis in investing one's time and money in acquiring knowledge, skills, experience, exposure and expanding one's social network. To top it one has to be diligent by offering oneself for all sorts of opportunities and part time work. "When you are poor, you have to throw yourself out in the open and let people make good use of you" (Hmmm...very sound advice)

Now the weird and funny parts :)

-"When you are poor, be good to others. When you are rich, you must learn to let others be good to you. You have to learn to be good to yourself better". 穷的时候，不要计较，对别人要好。富的时候，要学会让别人 对自己好.自己对自己更好 
(Huh is this a problem that the rich are facing, not knowing how to treat themselves well? Is it because these super rich have difficulties living a balanced life ie. too programmed/immersed and lost in some pursuits? And then again shouldn't treating others kindly be a spontaneous act rather than one rife with hidden agenda?)

-"When you are poor spend money on others. When you're rich, spend money on yourself"穷的时候，花钱给别人看。富的时候，花钱给自己享受。穷的时候一定要大方，富的时候，就不要摆阔了 (hmm....so Hong Kong)

- "When buying people dinner, make sure you buy dinners for people who have bigger dreams than you and work harder than you" 少在外面吃饭，要吃就请客，要请，就请比自己更有梦想的、更有思想、更努力的人

  (Wah such a stressful meal, but then again he does have a point because most people enjoy boasting when dining with friends instead of trying to learn from others. )

However I like his last paragraph "Once your livelihood is no longer an issue, use the remainder of your money to pursue your dreams. Spread your wings and dare to dream! Make sure you live an extraordinary life! 去放开你的翅膀大胆地做梦，去让生命经历不一样的旅程

( I like his use of the word 做梦.For those of us who still don't have a dream and declare ourselves clueless, we have all the liberty to build one. And then again the critical hurdle for many is the perception of when "livelihood is no longer an issue".)

Connection through listening

At the start of each meditation session, our teacher will say a few phrases in Chinese to the effect that "Thoughts are related to or can not depart from (离不开) the past, the future and the present. Thoughts are just thoughts. When thoughts come to your mind, just lightly blink your eyes and drop them." We are then told to focus on our breadth feeling the air in and out of the nostrils touching the upper lips. When aware that thoughts arise and having noticed them, gently drop them and refocus on our breadth.

For me, the start of the session is usually fine. Somewhere in the middle I can be lost in thoughts even though I am still feeling the breadth. I will then go on a rendezvous before finally become aware again of the drifting mind.

Of late I gather from another source that when the mind keeps on drifting during meditation, one can try listening to surrounding sounds intently to achieve mindfulness before reverting back to the breadth or whatever point of focus. So I tried it. The host of multiple sounds in any one short duration was amazing. First there was the whirling fan and the tickling clock in my house. I could identify not less than 5 types of birds calling, some from the trees and poles nearby and others somewhere in the distance. A car, a truck, a motorcycle passed my house. I could hear the backdoor of my neighbour being closed. Some faint drilling sound floated in. Footsteps and people's banter passed my front gate. A far away child's high pitched short cry was matched by a single pounding from a distant construction site. The quiet stretching of my cat brings me home again.

Suddenly I feel me, my cat, the birds, my neighbour's maid, the passers by, the child and the one who drills, the one who pounds, the one who drives the car, the truck, the motorcyclist and in fact all the birds, all my neighbours, all the workers in the construction site and all the people in the vicinity are "engaged" simultaneously in the world.

A strange but somewhat good feeling. Is this what they call being connected?

A daily reminder

"Huh? Certainly not" was my answer to my daughter's question whether I was afraid of getting old. Other than the monthly facial therapy, I do not spend much money trying to retard the aging process, not even on food supplements. I am certainly no ageist, so I thought. Well, not until I applied for the senior citizen concessionary card.

One can apply for this card online through the Transit Link website. After you have input your particulars, scan your IC and upload your digital photo, and key "next", a preview of the concessionary card complete with your name, IC No. and photo appears. The words "Senior Citizen" printed boldly at the bottom of the card stared starkly into my face. "Gosh I am now a Senior Citizen" I exclaimed and started laughing. My daughter who was nearby remarked that my laughter seemed nervous. It was more of unpreparedness than nervousness, I guess.

A couple of days later after my annual bone density scan, the doctor suggested medication to stagnate the deterioration in my bone density. He reminded me of my age and its associated risks. Looks like  crossing over to the age with a '6' prefix is quite significant in the eyes of many.

True to form nervousness did arise after reading an extract from "At Home in the Universe" forwarded by a friend. Describing the concept of Karma the text suggests that 'the thoughts, feelings and deeds of one life- our relationships to other people, events and surroundings in this life -determine the talents, dispositions, places, and whom and what we meet in the next'. It dawns on me that if it is true, I have (upon reaching 60) precious little time to rectify any unskillful habits of thoughts and feelings plaguing my entire life so far; just so that they would not be carried forward to the next. Do I want to plague my next life with negativity and anxieties for example? If I desire a happier disposition then I have to start cultivating a healthier frame of mind with urgency. It reminds me to take care of whatever remains of ME and whatever I wish and admire in a person, I should start working on it.

In the photo memoir which my daughter presented me as a birthday gift was a picture of me sorting out the little figurines I used for sandplay therapy with the caption "It's never too late to change course or go after a dream". This shall be my daily reminder.

Taken off the Shelf

Recently there is a huge controversy over 3 children's books being taken off the shelves by our library following complaints raised by certain people that the books have same sex partners in their story. The National Library withdrew the books citing their 'pro-family' policy.

Now I recall during one of my story telling session reading a children book picked up from the library about a little girl preparing for a school project with the help of mum and her female friend who stays with them. There wasn't a father in the story. Halfway through the story I instinctively could feel the dynamics and was glad no parents rolled their eyes. Thinking about it now, is it really not appropriate for children to be exposed to the real world where some families consist of single parents and sometimes mum or dad has a good friend who stays in to help out? I am not sure how explicit the 3 hotly debated books are about same sex partners but in this one which I read it is really subtle and may not even have such implications depending on how one reads it. If children are too sheltered and unexposed will they become unsympathetic and prejudiced against peers from less than so called 'normal' families.

Another thought came to my mind. Often whilst choosing books for story telling, I come across many Children books with Christian settings and have to give them a miss respecting the varied religious background of the audience. Apart from the actual Bible stories, there are also many children books with Christmas and Easter as the backdrop. It is a marvel that nobody complains that the library is trying to convert our children into Christians with the disproportionately large collection of children books with Christian orientation. Indeed I have told a very touching story taken from a library book about a troll who plucked up enough courage to knock on the window of the village church whilst the villagers were having a service on Christmas Day. I remember how quiet and anxious the children looked as I narrated with exaggerated drama the troll's fears and how their faces subsequently lightened up when the villagers in the story embraced the troll.

Yes, this story irrespective of culture and religious orientation instills the virtue of acceptance, where humans being humans accept even a troll as one of them. Fortunately no one has asked this book to be taken off the shelf.

Out shopping

I told myself to pamper 'ME', go shopping and get something I really like, no budget constraint. So I did but nothing really excites me. Gosh isn't it scary? You walk the stores and nothing interests you, passionless. I thought of commenting on my niece's facebook "Lust for your branded bag. Enjoy your passion as long as it lasts".

Fortunately with further probing I know I still enjoy an aromatic massage; and yes little toy figurines still put a smile on my face (supposedly for my sandplay therapy but has developed partially into a hobby collecting them).

Well it's not every approaching birthday that stirs reflection, but certainly those that ends with the big zeros. If 30 marks the last of youth, what marks twice of that? So I go back to this book "The Veiled Pulse of Time" by William Bryant, recommended by our lecturer during the Holistic Counselling Course. The book describes life cycles, the 7, 12 and 30 year cycles. A few statements strike me.

Describing the 7 year phase between 56 to 63, there is this statement I can relate to, "We are not so easily fooled into believing that every problem has a fixed and instant answer". Yes, I think eventually everyone will learn this through the hard way. We will also experience each problem as a "process" "working itself out" and that ultimately every one has his or her own pilgrimage to follow.

About this cycle Byrant also says sickness, bereavement and loneliness are typically challenges which "demand a response from the soul" and "The last great victory is their endurance".  I like this because too often we view and expect ourselves sailing into the sunset being influenced by such silly cliches. So when such things happen we are resistant and angry, we thought it only happens to others. This is something I must remind myself constantly, to be mentally prepared. As Byrant further remarks "Aging helps us to sense that our biography is an inner journey through the outer world".


Maybe because of all these reflections I had a strange dream yesterday. Someone had prepared the dough for a cake but the oven was spoilt. I told him I will try to use the last remnants of my charm to persuade some chef in a restaurant to make use of his oven. Now the cake in the dream is just an association and shouldn't be of much significance (because lots of cake references lately). The idea behind is really something that must be brought to fruition, that must be baked, the last and most important step, and I need to use whatever remaining wit and charm.

Ah if only wisdom can be bought!

Importance of inclusion

 At a meeting today I learned a new term:  'social inclusion level of income'.

Though Singapore does not adopt an official poverty line, it has been generally accepted that a household with $450 per capita can be defined as living in poverty. 12% of households in Singapore are living below this unofficial poverty line.

In addition, a family would need $2500 to $3500 a month to meet the social inclusion level set out by some economists, and of which 20% of our households falls under. Social inclusion level refers to income which allows the household to participate in society, ie.in activities normally available to the general population. In our context it could include having meals at hawker centers, occasional outings to MacDonald for the kids and children being able to afford some items and activities most of their school friends enjoy. In other words an income level which won't make the family feel being too left out from society.

This made me recalled a counseling session some years ago with a school kid that overran into recess time. Instead of rushing off once the recess bell rang which most other children did, he chose  to linger in the counseling room. Only later he revealed that he had no pocket money for recess and was trying to avoid being alone whilst his friends were tucking in. Fortunately he later came under a free lunch scheme which allowed him to buy a meal a day from any stall in the canteen. This scheme would have definitely made him felt more included.

Children are more sensitive about being different and very conscious of what constitutes the norm. Even amongst children residing in the children's home (which in itself  is not the norm), not being brought home to stay with parents and relatives no matter how briefly during the school holidays was a sad lament which I could sense from my clients. It must have felt like an exclusion within an exclusion.

My own experience of being left out though not traumatic had left an indelible mark. It happened when I was in primary 2. The class was divided into 3 groups based on test results and transfers occurred after each semester test results. I was moved from group B to group A which comprised mainly of girls from rich families. When some coloring work had to be done, I took out from my bag a small box of 6 short colored pencils, some so short and worn I had to put a ball-point cap to add length. On the shared big table were boxes of long 12s and 24s. My short capped 6s created cruel merriment and an embarrassment so huge that it lived in my mind till this day. Such can be the imprint in a child's tender mind.

Social inclusion level of income as a guide for support is essential.

Mixed feelings in asking

Yesterday night I lay in bed wondering who amongst my friends and acquaintances are rich. Earlier on in the day I received an email from the ED of a VWO of whom I am now a committee member reporting poor table sales for the planned charity dinner. The cost of each table ranges from $5k to $20k. As we have already forwarded appeal letters to corporates through executives whom we know, we are now targeting individuals on a personal level.

Someone came to mind, someone in my taichi class, a guy whose company was taken over by a world leader in luxury goods. This guy has more than a $100m spare cash just based on public information on the sale. What is $5k or $20k for an extremely good course in helping disadvantaged families in Singapore, single mothers with unwanted pregnancies and youths at risk.

Before I even plan the way to approach him I began to predict how I will feel ie. I have loads of apprehensions to overcome. Earlier on even sending out emails to ex-colleagues and ex business associates to seek their help in getting their corporates to consider the appeal had stirred up mixed feelings in me. I had weighed carefully the words and language to use. I wanted the message to arouse their charitable minds but 'not on my account' ie. I don't want them to feel obligated or maybe  I wanted to minimize my feeling of indebtedness should they oblige. I also imagined how they might be pissed off being cornered into something not quite their cup of tea, just like being forced to buy a superfluous insurance product from a friend. In short I didn't want to be branded a 'pest' and treated like a plague in future. In addition I also mentally prepared myself the likelihood of being ignored totally, having lost all business/networking value. To sum up I just wanted to maintain the 'space' in relationships which keeps us safe and less vulnerable. I guess there is just too much unnecessary fear and pride going on here.

Sigh...I really got to weigh the value of this personal 'space' against a broader good, and be aware of the hindrances of a small ego towards larger needs. After all if the following quote from J Paul Getty holds true "Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells", I should be doing the people who I approach a good service.

Acceptance

Just heard on podcast a helpful talk on how to develop loving kindness ( metta )- 慈. Often this very term sounds so "virtuous" and unachievable because one attributes to great acts of compassion and declares "Alas I am not born a saint". Yet the speaker suggests practical steps which can be taken to cultivate such habit and attitude. A good start may be to forsake our aversion with little things that do not fit into our accepted checklist, common examples like intolerance for a person with bad breadth or one who talks like the firing of a shrill machine gun. Then we may progress to accepting people whose behaviour or habits upset us but whom we can not change. The speaker, Ajahn Sumedho alleged that the greatest hindrance lies in our narrow mindedness often demanding that others do things that we approve of. It is like saying "My love is so great, I am such an important person and to be worthy of my love you have to conduct in a way that I approve. You have to work hard to gain it.". "One dirty look and you had it" belies the hidden conceit within us. Fortunately with patience, practice and mindfulness one should be able to acquire little by little such acceptance.

Listening to this talk makes me reflect on the concept which I have gathered about "duality" (分别 ).

We perceive almost everything in pairs of opposites, beautiful vs ugly, long vs short, clever vs stupid etc. This naturally extends to 'Me & Mine' vs ' Not Me & Not Mine '. This distinguishes us from 'others' and inhibits the feeling of oneness, hence making 'Me' important.

If we can go easy on this perception of duality eg. liking the beautiful and disliking the ugly, we may learn to feel less upset when we come across things that we do not approve of, which can be often and many. Similarly if we can slowly blur the line between 'I' vs 'Others' we may feel less distressed when things don't work out 'My' way. I guess it may even help us feel less alone and scared for to it is often a lonely and fearful feeling having to constantly hold up the 'Me' in our lives.

Yes I guess it all boils down to Acceptance.

Yunnan then and now

Just returned from a trip to Yunnan covering Kunming, Dali and Lijiang. This was my second visit to Yunnan after more than 15 years. Like many cities in China one notices a quantum leap in their modernisation and commercialism. The Dali and Lijiang ancient towns have lost their charm and are now cluttered with souvenir shops, boutiques and pubs at nite. I notice the once clear running stream at Lijiang old town has stopped flowing naturally and a fire hydrant was pumping water into it to create a current. Walking through the drinking hole lined with pubs in the ancient town of Dali in the evening was a real experience. Each pub blared its own rock music at top decibel trying to outdo each other such that it is almost impossible to hear any single piece without the fusion of neighbouring noises. The youngster's high tolerance of noise is really amazing.

Of course modernisation has its wonders. Where the last trip we sat on chairlifts across mountains to reach only a certain height for us to gaze at Yulong mountain in wonder from a distance, we are now whisked up by cable car climbing more than 2 thousand meters to reach a height of over 4500m to stand next to the glaciers. The ascent was so fast that our body had no time to adjust and some of us were gasping and wobbly stepping out of the cable car. Nevertheless we can now puff in oxygen from canisters. What a far cry from the oxygen pillow we hung over our necks during our last trip which was such an embarrassment to wear and which only the elderly used. Now every visitor young and old holds a canister of oxygen and puff away like an addict. Honestly speaking it is really very effective in that an occasional puff can assist you reach further height up the Glacier Park.


Where we gazed in awe at the snow covered YuLong Mt from a distance during our last trip, now we watched the spectacular Zhang Yi Mou Lijiang Impression show with the mountain as the backdrop. This is what technology and modern engineering bestow.

Some things however remained the same. The wonder medicine 红景天 to lessen altitude sickness is still trusted. Maybe how the people in Yunnan view Singaporeans may also still be the same. During our last trip more than 15 years ago the tour group consisted of quite a few families with young kids. The Yunnan guide made an observation about how the Singapore parents had to put food on the plates of their 'born-lucky' kids and urged them to eat. He remarked that in China the kids scrambled for the food on the table. During this recent trip our Yunnan tour guide was a young man of 27, very caring and efficient. The tour included a visit to Dongchuan Red Land, a relatively rural agricultural county famous for its brilliant multi coloured terraced farmland. However being very undeveloped the toilets at the gas stations along the way were nothing more than an unflushed drain in a cubicle at the back. Needless to say the condition in terms of sight and smell is best not mentioned. A few young ladies in our group about the same age as the tour guide would not venture no matter how urgent the necessity. The young guide can not help but subtly remarked that Singapore youngsters should be more "adventurous" in experiencing the living conditions in other parts of the world. The same sarcasm then and now!

Childhood Home- lifelong setting

The setting of my dreams is mostly at my home in KL where I lived for 10 years from the age of 5 to 15. I have thereafter also stayed in 3 separate homes in Singapore for about 10 years each, but my dreams rarely occurred at these later homes. Thus I feel early childhood experiences, especially at the age when our world was ruled by 'big people' have lasting impact in our subconscious mind. What is often important in dream interpretation is to identify the feeling, ie. how one feels during the dream or immediately upon waking up. Usually a recent event/situation may have evoked feelings which we associate with similar feelings encountered during our childhood at home.

Watching the children in the children's home where I volunteered makes me wonder how the experience of living in an institution away from home will impact them. When I observe the sand stories played out by the children at sandplay therapy sessions, some common themes surface. Amongst my collection of symbols, a castle and a stone cottage are often picked and featured in the sand stories, most likely reflecting a longing for a real home. Some of these children do not even have a permanent place outside which they can call home. One child instead of picking a cottage, built a wall using the sand and placed pieces of furniture to demarcate a home; but only to crumble the wall and bury the furniture, the futility of it all.

Although for some of us, our childhood home may not necessary be a symbol of love and security, it nevertheless was THE  place to go back to at the end of each day.

Will these children be deprived even of a permanent setting for their life long dreams; I wonder.

Rant of a silver hair ageist

Read about this "Silver Co-op", a social entreprise, that organizes group vacations for people over 40 with itineraries that cater to the needs of silver hair citizens including visiting places less energy demanding, providing food less oily and salty and including more TOILET BRAKES (which incidentally my husband would appreciate :) )

Honestly I am not sure whether I would like to travel with them. Though I am not athletic by nature I would really prefer to travel with a younger group and see whether I can stretch myself further. I recall myself and my husband joining a middle aged Australian hiker-couple going on a highland trek at Lombok. Though my feet went shaky at the relatively rough terrain and was fearful of slipping and falling, I had no choice but to keep up with the group, with my husband literally pulling me up at times.Oh Boy what I would have missed if I had chickened out.

There is another aspect one has to tolerate when moving with an elderly group. The common one-mindedness trait can be a test on one's patience. Gosh don't I sound like one silver haired ageist bitch!

I have many such encounters when talking to supposedly more enlightened elderly investors at company AGMs during receptions. One particular old man grilled me as to why I queried the company on its zero gearing during question time. "Why do you want the company to be in debt?" he charged whilst I tried to explain to him the concept of optimal WACC (weighted average cost of capital). I patiently tried to parallel it with an example of how we geared up for personal investment in property, but he was too fixed in the mind about the risk/evil of being in debt to really take in anything I said. I gave up and terminated our conversation with a sigh and "never mind".

Reading about this co-operative got me into thinking what we the silver-hair people really need. We need some patient and sacrificial young volunteers to organize discussion groups amongst elderly people banded by age and education. The golden rule to abide at such discussion sessions is to have an open mind. So let's say with a ratio of 10 seniors to 2 or 3 youngsters, a topic can be put forward for discussion or an article to be read before hand. But mind you I am not referring to feed back groups on government policies organised by government (yawn). I am referring to random topics which can be something in the news or certain social behaviour or even out of nowhere topics like how much sleep do we need?", topics along the lines of questions posted in Quora perhap.

I myself am fortunate or unfortunate enough  to have children who often unceremoniously remind me of my narrow outlook and out-datedness in knowledge. So I receive regular links to read or ignore (irrespective) in their attempt to keep me abreast of how the young think and do.  I can't say I am pleased to be told such but if I swallow my pride and explore more it does change my outlook. I also must say sometimes I choose to ignore and tell myself it is too exhausting to make sense of this fast changing world, "who cares" and "so be it" and "I like being the sleepy frog in the well".

However if we do take some time to reflect upon our own experiences, how we were often proven wrong from initial impressions or fixed ideas or stubborn blindness, we may start taking small steps to open up.

“Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won't come in.” -Isaac Asimov


Next time I will say to some old man "give your mind a scrub"and if he retorts with remarks that imply “我吃的盐比你吃的米多” I will sigh and say "never mind" and scrub mine instead.

A Confluence of Factors

When you watch a bunch of sticks burning have you wondered who the fire's parents are? The sticks and the matches probably because they created the fire. How about the wind that flamed the fire or the person who started the fire? If the fire spread to nearby vegetation causing a forest fire who bears the blame? How about the arid condition of the forest itself?

Watching the video clip of the tragic ferry disaster in South Korea is quite heart wrenching, especially how the students could have been saved had the situation been managed differently. Another needless tragedy was the suicide of the vice principal of the school who felt responsible for the death of the high school students for he had pushed for the field trip to Jeju and was saved from the ferry. Upon further reflection various factors have been discussed, one being the Korean culture of respect for elders and authority. It has been wondered had the students been a bunch of American kids would they have ignored the instruction to stay in their cabins. I think it is not just about obedience but of respecting that the authorities would know what is best for the good of everyone, in this case an orderly evacuation. The video clip showing the captain climbing out onto a rescue boat before his crew and other passengers has drawn public anger but also explanatory comments that it is common for Koreans to let their elders and higher ranked colleagues priority when evacuating in a dangerous situation. In the light of comments about how the Korean culture has partly to be blamed for the disaster, parents who lost their children may even blame themselves for instilling strict unflinching obedience in their children.

Alas this blaming game will certainly bring about immense pain and guilt. If the vice principal could see that his approval/pushing for the trip was just one condition out of many many factors that contributed to the disaster he might feel less afflicted. Like the metaphor of the fire that I described above, he alone could not have brought about the disaster, so many conditions happened together gave rise to it like in a confluence of rare factors that causes a perfect storm.

In fact even in our everyday life we are so inclined to blaming and often suffer from being blamed. The most toxic habit is of course blaming oneself endlessly. I think we will have more peace if we remember that in any one event so many factors often beyond one's control or even in one's knowledge are at play.

Even if we are the match that strikes and builds the fire, we certainly have no intention nor power to singularly cause a forest fire.

不要想太多

Have you ever been troubled and people advise you 不要想太多(don't think too much). Tall order isn't it. Surely if you can you wouldn't be troubled in the first place. Such advice is as useless and unhelpful as telling a bereaved person not to feel sad. Especially for a person prone to worries the tendency to ruminate could have become a habit over the years.

What can be more helpful is either teaching the sufferer techniques on how not to ruminate or better still explain the logic behind the 不要想太多advice.

So under the first method you share with the person ways to literally block the ruminations, like being engaged with some activity that requires total absorption eg. gardening, reading, exercise, chanting, meditation or whatever hobbies a person is passionate about. Being immersed in such activities hijacks the person's bewildered mind and provides relief and a feel good effect. It may then dawn on the person that problems can co-exist side by side with states of well-being in life.

A more steadfast solution could be to cultivate the habit of being aware of one's thoughts and emotions, although this needs hardwork and commitment. Observing one's thoughts and emotions first recognises that they exist before being lost in them. Like a bystander watching the relentless flow of thoughts rising and receding, one notices how the thoughts affect the emotions and vice versa in a witch dance. The conditions giving rise to them like certain self beliefs and social / cultural conditioning then become evident. One then understands why thoughts can creep up without  effort and how they can likewise just fade away if one does not attend to them. It also dawns on one that the world created inside one's head is unreal and changes with different thoughts and emotions. If one does not think 'that' way, 'that' world does not exist. Given how thin and tenuous the world created by thoughts is, one should therefore Not Think too Much 不要想太多.

The Lazy Investor

I am an awfully lazy investor. Every year around this time  I will stack up all the hard copies of new company annual reports received through the post. I then remove the pile of untouched old AR from the cabinet and replaced it with the new stack. This has been repeated year after year. I suppose I go through this meaningless routine each year believing I will find some time to know a bit more about the companies I have invested in, or rather find the interest to do so. (Maybe you can call it professional fatigue but I don't enjoy reading financial statements now).

I usually attend the Annual General Meetings of the smaller companies which are not covered by analysts as well as companies which I contemplate gaining or reducing exposure. At these AGMs when people ask the management very detailed questions often beginning with "Can I refer you to page XX of the AR" I will inevitably  tell myself I need to be more diligent and more informed on what I am investing in. Lazy investors like me who hope to be enlightened at AGMs can only pray for more questions being raised and a good buffet spread as an icing.

In particular I will be most delighted when youngish investors ask very in-depth questions. I have a feeling some of them are full time investors. At times I see the same faces of these 'serious investors' at different AGMs. Spotting them gives me a little comfort that I share the same investment they have decided on after doing their detailed homework. It is a bit like a lazy student copying the work of a diligent one, although Warren Buffet's golden rule is never invest in anything you don't know well.

Attending these AGMs sometimes makes me nostalgic too, especially when questions are raised about the company's financing plans. The standard and familiar answers are similar to responses I used to rehearse and prepare when participating in my ex-company's road shows. In addition spotting familiar faces in the panel of board directors sitting on the stage brings back memories of days when they were in my company's board; and how I struggled to answer their grilling queries on papers put up for approval. Then there are the supporting staff running around to facilitate the AGMs, probably staff from Corp Com or PR departments. They remind me of the extensive preparation for corporate events and it makes me feel like I have missed out on something after I have stopped working. Joining the long queue at the reception after the AGM can make one feel even more deprived lol.

Nevertheless in everything there is the pros and cons. With the knowledge that the company will be distributing consistent dividend I will feel recharged and top the outing with a shopping spree, diligently spending the returns as a lazy investor.

Worldly Winds

Read the shocking revelation about Narendra Modi, the Prime Minister contender in India, . It was when he declared himself as married  whilst filing his candidate papers that the public realised he has a wife. After the arranged marriage, he apparently convinced her to return to her parents' home to pursue her studies and then deserted her for 45 years ie. no contact. She, a retired teacher, is now a subject of media frenzy, used both as a pawn by Modi's rivals to tarnish him and at the same time by his supporters to boost his image for having an ideal Indian wife who is described as "obedient, dutiful, submissive and self-sacrificing". Apparently she is a very simple woman who fasts and prays for his welfare, owns only 5 saris, never demands anything and "accepts what comes her way".

To me this is a classic case of Fame and Shame, for both husband and wife,  depending on how people view it. Here lies the catch, the views are held by others, it is beyond one's control. Poor woman, I wonder how she is managing the unwanted limelight. I am sure she is not very well received by the young educated Indian women who have been protesting against gender inequality and disrespect since the Delhi rape incident. Will her husband end up blaming her if the situation dampens his chances?

Indeed Fame and Shame are just 2 of the 8 Worldly Winds that torment us. The other 6, usually mentioned in pairs include Praise & Blame, Gain & Loss, Pleasure & Pain. To abide by Buddhist teachings one should try not to be too affected by these winds which blow afflictions. Indeed a glance through the daily newspapers provide sufficient evidence,albeit of more severe examples. Today's news includes a senior banker who is accused of taking upskirt videos ( a case of lust for momentary pleasure, probably to distract some internal pain) and a divorced woman who is denied a monthly maintenance because she was already awarded close to $4m out of her husbands $10m assets (gain vs loss).Closer to everyday life, don't we all desire for praise/validation and are stabbed by blame at work and at home?

The 8 Worldly Winds blows all of us by varying speeds. Very often it comes and goes beyond our control. All we can do is be firm and avoid being uprooted in our mind.
It's a mind game.

A blessed day

Sometines luck comes in small ways. Due to a flight cancellation by Tigers Airway, we had to shorten our trip at Lombok, Indonesia to a 2-night stay. I was quite pissed to fly more than 2 hours for such a short trip. So we planned to do everything on the only full day we have which was a Saturday . After a super early breakfast we took  a walk to another beach. The rain overnight had cooled the otherwise intensely hot and humid weather (worse than Singapore) and a rainbow overhead promised a good start. The unspoilt southern tip of Lombok is really quite remote and looks very much like Trengganu 20 years ago. Cows are seen grazing everywhere and there is hardly any traffic. Back at the hotel by 10am the cloudy sky was superb for canoeing. It is always a battle when comes to canoeing with my husband on a double seater. He always insists to venture far out into the open sea but hello the high waves at these beaches are best for surfing! Nevertheless whilst watching out for the incoming waves we  spotted a one meter sea creature jumping up and disappearing into the sea. In a flash, the gray creature with white underside looked like a dolpin with a long rope attached to its tail. What a bonus! On further thought it was more likely a sting ray with a long tail and not a rope. Hmmm... sighting a rainbow and a jumping sting ray in one morning gladdens the heart.

In the early afternoon with ginger oil and pulp spread all over my whole body and my husband's quiet hissing snore from the nearby massage bed, I drifted into a trance. I wonder why I never get this effect with masseuse in Singapore, but very often these Indonesian or Thai masseuse, especially the matronly ones with their warm thick palms, make me feel so comfortable and at ease that I never fail to associate those healing touches with basic motherly love and care. "Yes a perfect mother is one who comforts and soothes away your troubles, that's all there is to it".

Some reviewer in Tripadvisor has strongly recommended a trip to Tanjung Aan (TA) which is near to Novotel where we stayed. We almost missed it because one hotel staff misinformed us that it was just a 20 minute walk away and we thought we could leave it to Sunday morning before the return flight home. Luck was on our side and we found out quite accidentally that the hotel does organise a trek to TA every Saturday afternoon. So we and another couple found ourselves in a small van bumping its way over unpaved and steep country roads to TA which took 25 minutes. A magnificent panoramic scene awaits us at the top of the hillock looking down at a heart shaped bay, cows grazing on soft hills and foaming white waves in the distant sea, all stunningly beautiful amidst  the golden glow of the setting sun. Yet another blessing on a perfect day.

Culture, Colour and Chaos

Today's Sunday Times carries an article about Geylang, regarded by Spore police as potentially more dangerous than Little India, a hotspot for hooligans, hookers, gangsters and crooks. On the other end of the spectrum an expat couple living in a lorong 24A shop house, a lane next to the epicentre of prostitution, describes the area as one of culture, colour and chaos. I know where they are coming from because I have been attending Buddhist classes in this area for the last 2 years. Ironically Geylang is also a place with many temples, Buddhist institutions, clan associations, a mosque and lots of good eateries as well, and yes the Buddhist Library is at lorong 24A where the expat couple stays.

So if I take a bus from my home that deposits me at Lorong 18, I walk upwards towards lorong 24A where the library is located. At early evening around 7 pm the place is beginning to get crowded with Chinese and Indian workers going home to their crowded rooms or flats in old dilapidated shophouses and apartments. I have to avoid body contact jostling amongst the workers in the narrow corridors of the shop houses selling food, groceries, clothing, footwear, necessities and provisions that cater to their needs, I would imagine it a bit risky for a younger female to walk this stretch not to be "accidentally" taken advantage off. Some brave pedlars have started laying out smuggled cigarettes; and probably drugs will come into the scene later. I can also imagine some workers who are gobbling down a quick dinner hastening to some illegal gambling joints when night falls.

As I approach Lorong 24, even when the sky has not sufficiently darkened, females mostly in high heels and revealing or suggestive outfits have lined the road intermittently. However what startles me is when I notice some older women who are brightly though not indecently dressed and who look every inch like an ordinary Singapore aunty offering their services to male passers by as well. I was really shocked when I heard one neat and homely looking middle aged woman doing that. Often times I walk pass them quickly trying not to look into their eyes, lest their eyes dare me to disdain or sympathise with them or lest their eyes smirk at my 'better' life.

Admist the loud China-slanged hubbub and clueless Indian din, I descend on the Library, a beautifully restored shop house. Once inside the quietness becomes more pronounced. I take off my shoes and keep them amongst others neatly arranged in the hidden cabinet. Through the glass door to the partially lighted prayer room one can see the metre tall Buddha seated in the centre and a nearby oil lamp giving out an orange glow, a place of refuge. Another glass door leads to the actual library which shelved rows and rows of books. One can sit quietly in the rather deserted library to quiet down, reflect and contemplate. Occasionally, conversations of passers by outside can still be heard even in the air cond room; but they seem distant though not unloud whilst I find myself drifting into a silent prayer, " May their sufferings be lessened".

To the culture, colour and chaos I think Geylang also awakens our Compassion.

The Importance of Being Busy

Once when finding it hard to find a time slot for my next facial appointment due to my so called busy schedule, my therapist commented 你是大忙人 .  I beamed a tinge of satisfaction, a modern evidence of achievement perhaps.

Yesterday's ST carried an article about how leading a frenetic life has become a status symbol. As the writer puts it "busyness has become not just a way of life but a badge of honour" and increasingly "an exhausting everydayathon". Being busy implies importance and together with hectic multi-tasking connote a full life.

Now I reflect upon the real motives behind my own engagements. Since I do a bit of everything and  if people do ask me what I am busy with (after my retirement); and if I am all out to impress I can reply tongue in cheek in one of the following ways depending on who I am responding to:

• To impress someone who focuses on making money, I can say I spend much of my time trying to invest wisely
• To someone who is altruistic or believes himself to be, I can say I spend much time doing charity/volunteer work
• To someone who believes that life is an adventure, I can say I often travel
• and if one day I can be fortunate enough, I would want to say I spend a lot of time looking after my grandchildren to someone who believes life is all about family

The litmus test is what I would be busy with if there is no need to appear important to anyone.

After a bit of pondering I think I would still be doing a bit of all the above including the last if I have that fortune. Meanwhile I would include one more activity which is to keep dreaming or thinking of writing a book which will never be published, a book which will perish with me. Furthermore if I can silence the 4 types of people mentioned above, who incidentally live within me and are my biggest critique, I will likely spend a lot of my time just doing that. The biggest fan of such a project will be dreamers or what the world would describe as idlers.

One day the Idler in me will gain stature and I will want to appear important before her more than anyone else.