Bringing up the Past

 

Many people like to share old photos on chat groups. They probably spend quite a lot of time looking through old photo albums.  My husband's brother is one of them. He will share in the family chat group old childhood photos of the family living in their kampung house. The chat group will come alive recalling memories and quizzing each other facts about old neighbours and landmarks. They seem to have so much fun that it reaffirms my perception that they grew up in a happy family home. They certainly will benefit if they continue to do so as they grow old especially if  stirring up memories and communicating help in mental well being.

On my side of the family however old photos are scarce. My parents didn't purchase a camera and any old pictures we had were usually taken by visiting relatives. Oh yes, there was a family photo taken at the studio with everyone dressed up. I still have it but I hardly look at it because it doesn't make me smile. Well we grew up in a stormy home where my parents often fought, so it is only rationale not to recall those unhappy times. 

I am not sure whether the habit of trying to forget the past causes me to have an exceptionally poor memory. I can even forget incidents when I had been treated badly at work until an ex-colleague brought it up again. "Oh, I have forgotten about it. But now that I remember I won't forgive..." I would jest.

My husband and my children can talk excitedly about places of interest which we have visited and I would have little impression of them. I also do not really bother to look up pictures taken during those travels or dig up photos of my children when they were young. Hopefully forgetting the past helps me to be more present. However it could also be that constant thinking about the future overshadows thoughts about the past.

Of course living in the moment is most ideal because every moment that is not "lived with presence" is lost forever. Happy memories are only good to recollect as long as one does not cling onto them. That means not always living in the past, not comparing the happy and glorious past to the present in despair. Many baby boomers like to reminisce about their younger years be it of their career or family life with implied longing of the "good old days". We have to be careful not to be stuck in the past, raving about the past and ranting the present social way of life.

As Mexican writer, Domenico Cieri once said

 "Bring up the past only if you are going to build from it"

Right Speech

 

Among the Eightfold Noble Paths taught by Buddha is 'Right Speech'. It generally refers to talking with good intention ie. not to lie, not to gossip, not to be rude and speaking with kind intention. 

It also includes when to speak and when not to. This I learnt over and over again and especially so during my last workshop session for children caught in between their divorced parents. I was alerted that a boy mandated to attend the workshop is hyperactive. Indeed he was quite a handful to manage, but for 2 sessions in a row amid his ongoing restlessness he shared that he felt ignored by his mother who has custody over him. 

So with good intention, I met the mother after the session to share with her the feedback. As the child's attendance was mandatory, most parents just want to chalk up the attendance record and bolt after the session. So I intended it to be brief which was also what the mother wanted from her body language. So I just plonged into giving her the son's expression of being neglected. What caught me by huge surprise was the mother jumping to self defence perceiving it as an accusation of her poor parenting.

My big mistake was not getting her first to share about the mother-child bonding before giving her the feedback. It turned out that the boy has ADHD and can become quite aggressive especially when not on medication. Hence she often has to leave him by himself while she stays in her own room. She went on defensively (my sense of it ) to quote many incidents when she could hardly control his behaviour. 

I then realised it was not the right timing neither was it the right platform to discuss further. So the session ended with some motherhood statements from me suggesting the importance of self care and getting emotional help when needed. I must say the session didn't end well as she seemed disturbed and ruffled.

So even if the intention was good, choosing the wrong time to speak (ie. talking before listening) was unwise. If I had first listened to her story my approach in sharing the feedback would certainly have been more subtle and effective. My excuse was not having the luxury of time. However if that was true, the timing and the platform were certainly not conducive.

Don't we often make these mistakes in our daily dealing with people?

 

Not knowing what to expect

 

The past week I have this feeling like I am standing on shifting sand, similar to when the sea waves moves the sand under your feet. 

Early in the week Singapore's oldest departmental store, the 162 year old Robinson announced its closure. My mother grew up in Chulia Street near where it was first located. She shared that it was then patronised by the Europeans and rich locals and she could only marvel at the window displays. Her cousin who worked as a cleaner perished in the store's 1972 fire. When Robinson moved to Orchard Road it no longer was the haunt for just the expatriates and the rich. As it was near to my work place I loved to drop in after a quick lunch. I really loved the store decoration especially during Christmas when the home department sparkled with exquisite trinkets and delightful gift ideas. It was voted the best dressed mall for Christmas quite a few times. Its closure signaled the irrelevance of departmental stores' business model and our changing lifestyle in general. It just makes you feel there is nothing you can hold onto forever.

Another event this week which makes me feel hollow is the US presidential election. You watch aghast as the President blatantly lied about illegal votes and fabricating a conspiracy that stole his victory, to a point that seems he was instigating his supporters to use violence. What is so shocking and incomprehensible to me is that almost half the US voters either believe him or choose to support him despite his lies and shocking behaviour.  It just defies logic. Trump once said "I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn't lose any voters." It seems frightening to me that people can simply reject reasoning or are so lacking in moral fiber to maintain their support despite knowing that he lied. 

Covid-19 has already brought forth feelings of anguish. These 2 events only exacerbate my not knowing what to expect. 

Little Milestones plus Discipline

 Read this interview with Ash Dykes, the first Welsh man to trek the length of the Yangtze River and also watched his documentary on National Geographic.

Of particular interest to me is when Ash shared about Life lessons he picked on the way. He described how walking up to 16 hours alone put him in a kind of meditative state. "The pains become numbed and it all becomes quite tranquil and you're sort of in the zone." It also enabled him to do deep thinking, planning and focusing on his goals. 

Ash Dykes advocates breaking a goal into smaller milestones. He recounted how the goal of trekking the length of the Yangtze seemed so overwhelming with so many challenges. However breaking it into smaller sections and focusing how to achieve each of them was how he did it. He also spoke about managing expectations and self discipline as essential. He said "Although we can't always be motivated, we can be disciplined."

I think these are good advice. How often we want to achieve something or realise some long harboured dream in our life but shy of trying because it looks quite impossible. We moan the lack of finances, lack of training, lack of opportunities, waning fitness and energy, other commitments and a host of other reasons.

Maybe you need to get lost and run in circles to even know what you truly desire. It helps to remember (especially for retirees like us) that we no longer need approval from anyone. We can fail as many times as we like and we do not need to look good in the eyes of any. And of course it doesn't need to be something big or creative as what most social media advocate. If giving and serving your family brings you most joy and satisfaction, then that is the purpose which you are born with, that is the unfolding of your true self and that is your goal. Enjoy doing just that and stop comparing with others who seem to lead a more purposeful , more interesting or more 'whatever' life.

Above all I like Ash Dykes' advice about discipline. Without discipline we will languish in our dream day after day.

Like the lecturer on a short Creative Writing course which I attended said "Just get out a piece of paper and pen and write a paragraph a day". That is truly what Ash Dykes calls little milestones plus discipline.

Myths and Truths for Children of Divorced Parents

 

The workshop for Children Caught-in-Between (of their divorced parents' conflict) has resumed. The first session introduces the common misbeliefs or "myths" (as we term them) among these children. Looking back on my past encounters with children of divorced parents, I am more and more convinced that these are really very common misconceptions in their minds. 

The first "myth" as we share with the children is "I caused my parents' divorce". As divorced couples often fight over the custody of their children, it is not surprising for the children to think they are the cause of the conflict. As one boy explained every time his father punished him for misbehaving, his mother would disagree with the mode of punishment and that would trigger another quarrel and fight between them. 

The second misbelief " I can get mum and dad back together" is so prevalent. Once when I pointed out that the truth is "No matter how hard you try, you can't get your mum and dad together again", a little girl said directly into my face "You are very mean to say that". What she was actually alluding to was the cruelty in my snuffing out the kindles of her last hopes. 

The third myth "I am not part of a family anymore" is another common belief. Children often expressed surprise when we say that "You will always be part of a family". Many ask how that is possible when the family members are not staying together. Once when asked to draw their family even if it means the picture would include 2 or more households, a boy refused to draw any picture at all. When asked he just retorted that he was invisible and cannot be seen, hence there is no picture to be drawn. I think that is an expression that he and his family don't exist anymore.

The fourth myth " I have to help my parents cope with the divorce" is most poignantly portrayed in the sand story of a child during sandplay therapy (an expressive therapy making use of a sand tray and little symbols and figurines). In her story which she enacted with little toys and figures on the sand tray, a father who was sick would be left alone in an island with little food and clean water while the wife and daughter was about to embark on a long journey up the river. The entire hour of the sandplay session was about the daughter in the story being very very busy storing up food and fetching clean water for the father. All the small pots and jars displayed on the shelves in the therapy room were used and seemed insufficient for the story. Not only that, the story went on that the house could be blown off by very strong winds and the daughter had to make sure all the household items were properly protected as well.

Sometime I just feel it is so hard for these children to make cognitive sense of their parents' separation. Their little minds traverse between reality and fantasy . Fortunately given the resilience in kids, we can help them see and accept reality. As one child played out a scenario in her story during a sandplay session, a little chicken wearing sunglasses boarded a cab. The cab sped across a battlefield to reach a safe place at the far end. The little chicken cried "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me" while the cab dodged the cross fires! That is what I call building emotional boundary.

( If interested to find out more about how I perceive children's inner feelings, read my other blog by clicking this link below:

https://hearchildrenvoices.blogspot.com/

Purchase of Satisfaction

 

I have a white Taiji classmate who is above 70 years old. She is born in Australia and married to a Malaysian Chinese turned Singaporean. As their children are in Australia and UK they have decided recently to sell their house in Singapore and rent an apartment while reconsidering where they should domicile in their elderly years.

Many interested buyers viewed and offered . Though the offer prices were right all of them wanted to flatten the property and rebuild it into a 4 storey house with bigger built in area. My classmate feels that the house can still be lived in and tearing it down is a terrible waste of material and resources. Hence she and her husband were hesitant and despaired over the delay in getting a "good buyer". Just when they were about to accept the fact that in Singapore people go for maximum utility of space, a Singaporean couple who have recently returned from overseas found her place lovely and intended to just restore and renovate it, keeping the outdoor space intact. So they readily agreed to the offer and felt the couple was a last minute god-send. 

Similarly there is another friend who years ago decided to sell her house to her neighbour's daughter even though their offer fell short of the highest bid price by 10%. She told me she took comfort in knowing that her former neighbour is living close to her daughter.

Truly these are people who nudge me into reviewing my habitual attitude towards maximizing monetary returns which of course was exacerbated by my role in my previous career. To maximize return on money is really to maximize our purchasing power. We then have to consider what to purchase to gain maximum satisfaction. Does the satisfaction just lie in the joy of seeing the multiplication of zeros in the bank accounts and the asset value? 

Bill Perkins, the author of the  book "Die with Zero" once said "The optimal utility of money" is using money to gain the maximum great experiences in one's living years. I think for my 2 friends great experience includes feeling happy when thinking about a warm family gathering inside one's former home or visualizing a couple sharing a quiet evening under the tree which one planted in a former home garden. 

A little Inertia may be a Good thing

 

Truth be told, this Covid Pandemic has caused some inertia in me. I have kind of adapted to staying at home most of the time. I was not really exhilarated when informed that some of the Pre-Covid voluntary work and certain other activities will resume. In the early days of restrictions, I often wondered upon waking up how to occupy myself for the day. When reading about all the great work and sacrifices our local 'heroes' were doing I felt a bit like a useless person lazing around. This was especially so when other members in the family were having zoom office meetings at home.

Along the way I have learned to enjoy gardening and sewn a few sets of curtain. When I am totally absorbed in my garden or when my eyes are glued to the needle of the sewing machine chugging along, my mind is not ruminating or side tracking. Maybe you can say I am present. Although when telling stories at the library I am also quite 'present', the back of my mind may still be sneaking in questions like "Why is the parent at the back looking so bored?" or "Did I just make a grammatical error?" Really a lot of side ruminations occurring in most of our activities are related to reflection of self or image of self. Only when one is fully engaged can one be with the flow.

I also began writing another blog to document my thoughts on how I understand a child's mind through sandplay therapy. I went over some of the past case notes especially of cases which have left deep impression on me. As I reread and ponder, I marvel at how this media really helps a child to express what they can never speak about or to reveal subconscious issues which they themselves may not know. Yet this type of therapy is never popular with parents nor with institutions as it is often viewed as mere play with little evidence of usefulness. To be very honest although I strongly believe in its effectiveness as a form of expression I can't really attest that expression by itself is a good enough form of catharsis. Moreover it is a form of therapy that takes time for the child to feel safe after several sessions to explore deeper into their emotional self. Very few parents have this type of patience or can afford such time. Yet as I write about it I feel energised. I shall continue to review the case notes and write about it. It may lead me to some new directions or it may not but I will just go with the flow.

Again this quote comes to mind:

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive."- Howard Thurman- author, pholosopher, educator.

That perhaps is the meaning of  "Being" and that is why we are called human beings.