Right Speech

 

Among the Eightfold Noble Paths taught by Buddha is 'Right Speech'. It generally refers to talking with good intention ie. not to lie, not to gossip, not to be rude and speaking with kind intention. 

It also includes when to speak and when not to. This I learnt over and over again and especially so during my last workshop session for children caught in between their divorced parents. I was alerted that a boy mandated to attend the workshop is hyperactive. Indeed he was quite a handful to manage, but for 2 sessions in a row amid his ongoing restlessness he shared that he felt ignored by his mother who has custody over him. 

So with good intention, I met the mother after the session to share with her the feedback. As the child's attendance was mandatory, most parents just want to chalk up the attendance record and bolt after the session. So I intended it to be brief which was also what the mother wanted from her body language. So I just plonged into giving her the son's expression of being neglected. What caught me by huge surprise was the mother jumping to self defence perceiving it as an accusation of her poor parenting.

My big mistake was not getting her first to share about the mother-child bonding before giving her the feedback. It turned out that the boy has ADHD and can become quite aggressive especially when not on medication. Hence she often has to leave him by himself while she stays in her own room. She went on defensively (my sense of it ) to quote many incidents when she could hardly control his behaviour. 

I then realised it was not the right timing neither was it the right platform to discuss further. So the session ended with some motherhood statements from me suggesting the importance of self care and getting emotional help when needed. I must say the session didn't end well as she seemed disturbed and ruffled.

So even if the intention was good, choosing the wrong time to speak (ie. talking before listening) was unwise. If I had first listened to her story my approach in sharing the feedback would certainly have been more subtle and effective. My excuse was not having the luxury of time. However if that was true, the timing and the platform were certainly not conducive.

Don't we often make these mistakes in our daily dealing with people?