The workshop for Children Caught-in-Between (of their divorced parents' conflict) has resumed. The first session introduces the common misbeliefs or "myths" (as we term them) among these children. Looking back on my past encounters with children of divorced parents, I am more and more convinced that these are really very common misconceptions in their minds.
The first "myth" as we share with the children is "I caused my parents' divorce". As divorced couples often fight over the custody of their children, it is not surprising for the children to think they are the cause of the conflict. As one boy explained every time his father punished him for misbehaving, his mother would disagree with the mode of punishment and that would trigger another quarrel and fight between them.
The second misbelief " I can get mum and dad back together" is so prevalent. Once when I pointed out that the truth is "No matter how hard you try, you can't get your mum and dad together again", a little girl said directly into my face "You are very mean to say that". What she was actually alluding to was the cruelty in my snuffing out the kindles of her last hopes.
The third myth "I am not part of a family anymore" is another common belief. Children often expressed surprise when we say that "You will always be part of a family". Many ask how that is possible when the family members are not staying together. Once when asked to draw their family even if it means the picture would include 2 or more households, a boy refused to draw any picture at all. When asked he just retorted that he was invisible and cannot be seen, hence there is no picture to be drawn. I think that is an expression that he and his family don't exist anymore.
The fourth myth " I have to help my parents cope with the divorce" is most poignantly portrayed in the sand story of a child during sandplay therapy (an expressive therapy making use of a sand tray and little symbols and figurines). In her story which she enacted with little toys and figures on the sand tray, a father who was sick would be left alone in an island with little food and clean water while the wife and daughter was about to embark on a long journey up the river. The entire hour of the sandplay session was about the daughter in the story being very very busy storing up food and fetching clean water for the father. All the small pots and jars displayed on the shelves in the therapy room were used and seemed insufficient for the story. Not only that, the story went on that the house could be blown off by very strong winds and the daughter had to make sure all the household items were properly protected as well.
Sometime I just feel it is so hard for these children to make cognitive sense of their parents' separation. Their little minds traverse between reality and fantasy . Fortunately given the resilience in kids, we can help them see and accept reality. As one child played out a scenario in her story during a sandplay session, a little chicken wearing sunglasses boarded a cab. The cab sped across a battlefield to reach a safe place at the far end. The little chicken cried "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me" while the cab dodged the cross fires! That is what I call building emotional boundary.
( If interested to find out more about how I perceive children's inner feelings, read my other blog by clicking this link below:
https://hearchildrenvoices.blogspot.com/
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