Fun with Urban Dictionary

Next time someone responds with the word "Whatever" to something you have said and you aren't sure where he or she is coming from, check the Urban Dictionary online. This dictionary is created to provide definitions for common slangs, cultural phrases and vulgarism often not found in ordinary dictionaries. Its unique features lies in the fact that anyone can contribute definitions though there is some regulating done by volunteers. As at Mar 2013 there are 7 million definitions in the dictionary.
So the beauty is in having many definitions for a single word or phrase. Definitions are ranked based on the number of "likes" garnered from readers

For example the slang "Whatever" has 62 definitions with the most favoured definition capturing more than 13,500 'likes' and which reads as follow :

Whatever  - used in an argument to admit that you are wrong without admitting it so the argument is over.
Other well like definitions for 'Whatever' include:

• "Indifference to what a person is saying! Who cares!;Get a Life!"
• "A polite and less vulgar alternative to FUCK YOU"
• " Either an idiot's response to an intellectual's question, or an intellectual's response to an idiot's question"- (I like this most) 

The definitions are usually not just confined to meaning of the words or phrases but often come with opinion on their usage. So for example someone has this to say about the word "Amazing":
-Over used word. Usually by teenage airhead girls. Amazing was once a word to describe something outstanding and wonderful. Now, teenage girls have overused the word. And have ruined it all.

How I discovered this wonderful dictionary was when my daughter was describing someone as a douchebag. No matter how she tried I wasn't able to get the right meaning or really the right flavour.
 "Ah" I exclaimed, "Maybe douchebags are like those smirk and arrogant young bankers who used to push sell new products to our company".

That was when she asked me to look up Urban Dictionary which amongst many had these to offer for 'Douchebag';

• ' An individual who has an over-inflated sense of self worth, compounded by a low level of intelligence, behaving ridiculously in front of colleagues with no sense of how moronic he appears'.
• ' Someone who has surpassed the levels of jerk and asshole, however not yet reached fucker or motherfucker'

"Maybe 'SmartyPant' is a better word for those guys" she offered.

I then checked SmartyPant which read "someone who displays intelligence in an annoying way"
Hmm...not quite really, the intelligence part. The annoying part maybe.

Remembering the grande dames

In celebration of International Women's Day, BT correspondent Jamie Lee paid tribute to her grandmother who passed away recently after being a shadow of herself with dementia. Jamie recalled the old lady's resilience bringing up 6 children working as a samsui woman; and in later years as the matriarch who constantly pulled the family together with the same "inspite of all" smile. Of the old lady's driving force in life, Jamie remarked " If only I'd have the same courage to put all my hopes in family, knowing that disappointments might come in ways that would not be within my control."

Reading Jamie's comment reminds me of a similar feeling I have after visiting my 90 year old aunt during Chinese New Year. A fall has made her wheel chair bound and she now depends on the maid to help her around. Unlike other old folks who may vent their loss of freedom on their maids my aunt was truly appreciative of her maid's support and dismisses the maid's tasteless cooking as trivial shortcoming. Such rationale and clarity of mind at 90 is a marvel. Reflecting on hers and other aunts' life journeys, I am reminded that the women of my mother's generation have only their family's well being as the principal life project. A quick scan on the life journey of my brood of over 30 cousins has dawned on me how much anxiety or disappointment our different scales of roller coaster rides would have brought upon our mothers. Yet these women who (unlike us) do not have careers to fall back as an alternative project, can only accept whatever the family chose to bring; be it joy, fulfillment, anguish, disappointment or pain- all have to be packed in and carried with stoic acceptance

It puts to shame the frustrations that we currently encounter over the first world problems that our children bear upon us. On this International Women's Day I become aware again how much we can learn from the spirit of these grande dames, though many of them are no longer with us.

The truth about sexuality

The Sexuality FAQ put up by the Health Promotion Board has stirred up loads of controversy. One Pastor Khong has maintained that the tone of the FAQ is pro homosexual and called for the FAQ be taken down and reviewed. Of particular objection by him was the FAQ remark that same sex relationship was not different from a heterosexual relationship and required the commitment of 2 people. I went to the website to read the answers to various questions on homosexuality.

To be frank I found the answers to the questions on sexuality factual and don't see how it can be seen as pro-homosexual unless the mere fact of acknowledging the existence of homosexuality is interpreted as condoning. Does that mean homosexuality must always be under keeps and not to be mentioned publicly?

My own attitude towards homosexuality has changed over the years. I started off with disapproval as I believed that accepting it will encourage the slightly inclined towards developing into a full fledged orientation which is not good for a family based society as a whole. However having known 2 gay persons and the pain that they (and their parents) went through; as well as having heard over podcast tragic accounts of persecuted gays in Nigeria and Russia, I now have more empathy. I also feel that normal people should never ostracize people who are just different. One lucky enough to be born into a majority group should never bully the unlucky minorities.

"A heterosexual relationship is natural and normal, with the capacity to procreate" says the pastor. To this, animal activists may now say it is time that human being slows down its procreation to give other animals a chance to survive. Human beings who think they are the only entitled supreme specie have driven many animal species into fast extinction.

Maybe nature works in its own ways.

Alone

I am reading a collection of short stories by Richard Yates entitled "Eleven Kinds of Loneliness" that sets me thinking about the subject. I can never forget the time when I interned as a counsellor at a Family Service Centre when a lady client confided that she was unable to share her deepest thoughts and feelings with siblings and friends for various reasons. That, the inability to communicate, is just one aspect of being alone in this world. Suffering from a serious illness is also  known to be a lonely experience, and the same applies to the care giver. The book consists stories that describe how any ordinary man/woman can feel very much alone be it in the classroom, workplace, hospital or at home. Being rejected or misunderstood, holding onto secrets that can not be revealed (lest one be disdained) and losing one's authenticity just to ride along with people at large; these can also contribute to feelings of being alone.

Loneliness drives many to various modes of defensive escapism like gambling, alcoholism and illicit sex. Perhaps such addictions help divert one's mind from the fears of being alone in a world which one does not know how to fit in or which one does not understand the meaning of being in.

I was reading this book at Turi Beach whilst staring at the beautiful frame of colours made up of different shades of the turquoise blue sea, varying dark patches of rocks, swaying greens of trees and the whites of the foaming waves. If one is afflicted with the feeling of being alone, being in this place can help alleviate the pain. One may lose oneself to nature and suspends loneliness momentarily.

For it has been said that core loneliness arises from the concept of self.

Valentine Friend

It's Valentine Day and my niece commented on facebook, "it's not only a day to show your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend that you love them; it's also a day for the love of family and friends". I had my Valentine present yesterday, the warmth of a 7 year old friend.

Reading more books on play therapy has revalidated my understanding of the stories that the children are trying to tell in their sand story. (The children whom I work with place symbols and small figurines in a sandbox creating their own picture or story). Some stories are heart wrenching whilst others can be uplifting in that they show such resilience and hope. The most heart wrenching story I've seen was at a first session with a very disturbed boy who was suspected to have been physically abused at home. His story ended in a total carnage where all characters died be they good or evil. He piled the corpses and placed a naked dead baby ontop of the heap.

We, the play therapists try our best to provide a reassuring presence and secure environment so that the clients can recount their trauma or fears instead of suppressing them; thereby gaining confidence to manage the pain and difficulties in their lives.  So when a child wins a battle with an enemy or monster with his prowess and wit he gets proof that he is able to overcome his difficulties. Similarly a girl who nurses a little doll gets reassurance that she 'the doll' is loved by her mother and will not be abandoned.

Children who are institutionalised showed repeated longing for a home.Furnishing a home is a very common theme amongst girls in this Children's home whilst traveliing on ships and planes is common amongst the boys. Both are described by analysts as inner expressions of longing and looking for a home. One little girl at the home often takes close to an hour absorbed in  arranging and rearranging again and again the pieces of little furnitures and redecorating the sandbox.

Yesterday one 7 year old boy took one large wooden fishing boat and one small solid bronze ship. (unfortunately my symbols collection are disproportionate in size). In his story he drove the fishing boat whilst I drove the ship. The 2 vehicles travelled side by side in very stormy seas and were being violently tossed and turned about. When he had enough he removed them from the sandbox and introduced 2 aeroplanes. Again the story was about the 2 of us. He said he was the pilot of the blue plane whilst I was the white plane's pilot. He made the 2 planes soared very high above the tray and told me that their tails let out colourful streams of smoke. Not content he left the sandbox with the 2 planes in both hands and raced round the room, zigzagging and calling out to me to 'see' the beautiful patterns of smoke the 2 planes had created in the sky.

Spontaneously, I clapped my hands in childish delight.

What a beautiful present from a young friend!

Fulfilling projects

 My usual New Year greetings is to wish others a 'Fulfilling & Happy' year  because at the back of my mind happiness stems from a sense of fulfillment. When I was younger I felt great sympathy for full time housewives and their lack of deemed 'accomplishment'.

I have often wondered why my mother-in-law (MIL), (who spends her whole life cooking for the family) is such a happy and contented person. If being happy is the measure for having lived a successful life, she would be one such successful person. 

Dare I admit it? Now I am actually getting some satisfaction when people enjoy a dish I whipped up. Every Chinese New Year I've got to cook a dish for 2 separate pot luck gatherings. I would be thrilled to see the food being devoured. Still I am amazed to find myself just before bedtime happily recollecting how I managed to feed my brood of extended family with some food that they relished.  Huh? Is this cheap joy? Is this what fuels my MIL's contentment with life, does she thinks about it every night? Or is this satisfaction of providing wholesome meals for the family an inbuilt project that is achieved daily?

Sartre, one of the key figures in the philosophy of existentialism said that "In order to ground itself, the self needs projects, which can be viewed as aspects of an individual’s fundamental project and motivated by a desire for “being” lying within the individual’s consciousness". Maybe for a retiree like me, lacking big company projects to work on, I have to hinge on smaller projects for grounding. Yet the level of satisfaction, even without the pomp and the financial rewards enjoyed in the completion of a company project, seems to be no less, especially if the task is done out of love, which could be the 'fundamental project'.

"What is your project?" the ang moh staff at Spotlight asked of me when I needed the required length of some fabric to be cut. He raised his eyebrows in awe when I told him I am making curtains as if I was embarking on a big engineering project. I guess for him his achievement is not only to ensure I get the right material for my project but also to instil some zest in me as well. I guess when the curtains are sewn and hung, my accomplishment will be seeing it drawn to provide comfort to all in the house. Fulfillment, I guess is yours to define.

May we all have a Fulfilling and Happy Year ahead!

Boundaries and Equanimity

An ex colleague shared that his boss was born in the year of the Horse (Chinese Zodiac). He then assumed that 2014 being the year of the Horse would naturally be a good year for the boss. I informed him otherwise as I have read the 2014 horoscope forecast for "Horse" people, myself being one of them. My colleague sighed and remarked that if the year is bad for the boss it would naturally be a bad year for all his subordinates as well.

In the Chinese Horoscope each year there will be certain zodiac animals that will be in direct and indirect conflict with the Grand Duke of Jupiter ( fanTai Sui) . For 2014 the Rat is in direct conflict with the Duke whilst the Horse, Ox and Rabbit are in indirect conflict of some sort. People born under these zodiac signs will have challenges and obstacles in varying degrees. Given that there are only 12 zodiac animals and 4 are in trouble, it would mean that about a third of the population will  have a bumpy ride.

Now just consider this, who are the so called 'significant' people in a typical person's life. It is probably the spouse, kids, parents and the boss at work. Just by probability alone it will be highly likely that in any given year a person will have one or more of his 'significant people'  facing a rough year. If a person is easily affected by the troubles of those close to him, there will be no peace in his life. So how does one shield oneself from say the foul mood or negative energy of say the boss or spouse etc.?

Setting boundaries is essential though it can be quite difficult and has to be learned. Boundaries remind others of what they can reasonably expect from oneself.  However fear, guilt and doubt may hold one back from being direct in expressing one's tolerant limits. Some people may even feel there  shouldn't be any limits for close family members. However honouring one's own needs is a kind of self respect without which one wouldn't be able to support others in an effective manner. So self care is essential and one needs to be assertive if need be to exercise that.

By the way if I have mastered Buddhist concepts well I shouldn't be checking on horoscopes. The point is difficulties, challenges, the ups and downs in life is clearly spelt out as a truth in life. So why look up the horoscope? Even if one is spared this year one may not be spared the next, haha. As most afflictions arise from clingings and attachment learning useful skills to overcome will be the most helpful way to face the Grand Duke of Jupiter when he chooses to visit.

May we all learn to be more Equanimous in the year of the Horse!