Valentine Friend

It's Valentine Day and my niece commented on facebook, "it's not only a day to show your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend that you love them; it's also a day for the love of family and friends". I had my Valentine present yesterday, the warmth of a 7 year old friend.

Reading more books on play therapy has revalidated my understanding of the stories that the children are trying to tell in their sand story. (The children whom I work with place symbols and small figurines in a sandbox creating their own picture or story). Some stories are heart wrenching whilst others can be uplifting in that they show such resilience and hope. The most heart wrenching story I've seen was at a first session with a very disturbed boy who was suspected to have been physically abused at home. His story ended in a total carnage where all characters died be they good or evil. He piled the corpses and placed a naked dead baby ontop of the heap.

We, the play therapists try our best to provide a reassuring presence and secure environment so that the clients can recount their trauma or fears instead of suppressing them; thereby gaining confidence to manage the pain and difficulties in their lives.  So when a child wins a battle with an enemy or monster with his prowess and wit he gets proof that he is able to overcome his difficulties. Similarly a girl who nurses a little doll gets reassurance that she 'the doll' is loved by her mother and will not be abandoned.

Children who are institutionalised showed repeated longing for a home.Furnishing a home is a very common theme amongst girls in this Children's home whilst traveliing on ships and planes is common amongst the boys. Both are described by analysts as inner expressions of longing and looking for a home. One little girl at the home often takes close to an hour absorbed in  arranging and rearranging again and again the pieces of little furnitures and redecorating the sandbox.

Yesterday one 7 year old boy took one large wooden fishing boat and one small solid bronze ship. (unfortunately my symbols collection are disproportionate in size). In his story he drove the fishing boat whilst I drove the ship. The 2 vehicles travelled side by side in very stormy seas and were being violently tossed and turned about. When he had enough he removed them from the sandbox and introduced 2 aeroplanes. Again the story was about the 2 of us. He said he was the pilot of the blue plane whilst I was the white plane's pilot. He made the 2 planes soared very high above the tray and told me that their tails let out colourful streams of smoke. Not content he left the sandbox with the 2 planes in both hands and raced round the room, zigzagging and calling out to me to 'see' the beautiful patterns of smoke the 2 planes had created in the sky.

Spontaneously, I clapped my hands in childish delight.

What a beautiful present from a young friend!

Fulfilling projects

 My usual New Year greetings is to wish others a 'Fulfilling & Happy' year  because at the back of my mind happiness stems from a sense of fulfillment. When I was younger I felt great sympathy for full time housewives and their lack of deemed 'accomplishment'.

I have often wondered why my mother-in-law (MIL), (who spends her whole life cooking for the family) is such a happy and contented person. If being happy is the measure for having lived a successful life, she would be one such successful person. 

Dare I admit it? Now I am actually getting some satisfaction when people enjoy a dish I whipped up. Every Chinese New Year I've got to cook a dish for 2 separate pot luck gatherings. I would be thrilled to see the food being devoured. Still I am amazed to find myself just before bedtime happily recollecting how I managed to feed my brood of extended family with some food that they relished.  Huh? Is this cheap joy? Is this what fuels my MIL's contentment with life, does she thinks about it every night? Or is this satisfaction of providing wholesome meals for the family an inbuilt project that is achieved daily?

Sartre, one of the key figures in the philosophy of existentialism said that "In order to ground itself, the self needs projects, which can be viewed as aspects of an individual’s fundamental project and motivated by a desire for “being” lying within the individual’s consciousness". Maybe for a retiree like me, lacking big company projects to work on, I have to hinge on smaller projects for grounding. Yet the level of satisfaction, even without the pomp and the financial rewards enjoyed in the completion of a company project, seems to be no less, especially if the task is done out of love, which could be the 'fundamental project'.

"What is your project?" the ang moh staff at Spotlight asked of me when I needed the required length of some fabric to be cut. He raised his eyebrows in awe when I told him I am making curtains as if I was embarking on a big engineering project. I guess for him his achievement is not only to ensure I get the right material for my project but also to instil some zest in me as well. I guess when the curtains are sewn and hung, my accomplishment will be seeing it drawn to provide comfort to all in the house. Fulfillment, I guess is yours to define.

May we all have a Fulfilling and Happy Year ahead!

Boundaries and Equanimity

An ex colleague shared that his boss was born in the year of the Horse (Chinese Zodiac). He then assumed that 2014 being the year of the Horse would naturally be a good year for the boss. I informed him otherwise as I have read the 2014 horoscope forecast for "Horse" people, myself being one of them. My colleague sighed and remarked that if the year is bad for the boss it would naturally be a bad year for all his subordinates as well.

In the Chinese Horoscope each year there will be certain zodiac animals that will be in direct and indirect conflict with the Grand Duke of Jupiter ( fanTai Sui) . For 2014 the Rat is in direct conflict with the Duke whilst the Horse, Ox and Rabbit are in indirect conflict of some sort. People born under these zodiac signs will have challenges and obstacles in varying degrees. Given that there are only 12 zodiac animals and 4 are in trouble, it would mean that about a third of the population will  have a bumpy ride.

Now just consider this, who are the so called 'significant' people in a typical person's life. It is probably the spouse, kids, parents and the boss at work. Just by probability alone it will be highly likely that in any given year a person will have one or more of his 'significant people'  facing a rough year. If a person is easily affected by the troubles of those close to him, there will be no peace in his life. So how does one shield oneself from say the foul mood or negative energy of say the boss or spouse etc.?

Setting boundaries is essential though it can be quite difficult and has to be learned. Boundaries remind others of what they can reasonably expect from oneself.  However fear, guilt and doubt may hold one back from being direct in expressing one's tolerant limits. Some people may even feel there  shouldn't be any limits for close family members. However honouring one's own needs is a kind of self respect without which one wouldn't be able to support others in an effective manner. So self care is essential and one needs to be assertive if need be to exercise that.

By the way if I have mastered Buddhist concepts well I shouldn't be checking on horoscopes. The point is difficulties, challenges, the ups and downs in life is clearly spelt out as a truth in life. So why look up the horoscope? Even if one is spared this year one may not be spared the next, haha. As most afflictions arise from clingings and attachment learning useful skills to overcome will be the most helpful way to face the Grand Duke of Jupiter when he chooses to visit.

May we all learn to be more Equanimous in the year of the Horse!

Not in the same league

Spent the last weekend finishing a trashy but funny book instead of the much needed spring cleaning. "Crazy Rich Asians" is an over exaggerated stereo typing fiction about the the "old money" rich Asians in Singapore, HK and Malaysia and their prejudices and condescending attitudes towards people outside their league and even the "new money" rich and especially intense towards mainland Chinese. The story is a bit far too long but is quite funny with some dialect  (cantonese, hokkien) and Singlish including swear language being thrown in. The setting is familiar as the story takes place mainly in Singapore. Still I am quite puzzled how it is in the best selling list in NewYork. Oh, the author grows up in Singapore but now lives in NY. Quite frankly if foreigners associate the characters with the Singapore masses it is not very flattering. though some semblance of it exists like there is nothing in our lives and conversation except food, branded bags and property prices.

Still it gives a glimpse of the lavish lifestyle of the tycoon families, which most of us can never imagine even after discounting for exaggeration. The wisdom of this Chinese phrase  "  竹門對竹門，木門對木門  " (advocating family background compatibility in a marriage) constantly propped up in my mind. But what really hits me as so true is the prejudices people have towards others not of their league, and I think it is prevalent not only in the super wealthy but in every strata of society from the top to the middle in terms of wealth, education, sex orientation and race (including country of origin).

Here's a line from the book describing the prospects of ascending on the Shenzhen airport "land in the clusterfuck that is Shenzhen.......where we can wait in a custom line for the rest of the day with thirty thousand of your closet friends- the vast majority of whom have never heard of antiperspirant and won't share the same concept of personal space as you do". Yep this is just one very commonly felt irritant that most overseas Chinese have about their counterpart in mainland China. I myself have joined in conversations complaining about loud mouth foreigners in our trains.

In my story telling sessions at the NLB a frequent audience is a boy from India who is very quick to volunteer his opinion, sometimes sharing glimpses of his hometown. I notice every time he talks, some local parents in the room will cast him a disdainful "there he goes again" look. Then there are mainland Chinese mothers/grandmothers who force their little toddlers to sit through even though they may not understand a word of English sometimes causing disturbances much to the chagrin of our local parents.

Another line from the book "Astrid doesn't date in our stratosphere" describes how a female character is beyond reach of most males. This of course is no surprise as I have heard of many girls in Singapore who will not accept a single date from any male who is assessed to earn below a certain benchmark annual income. I have even heard of a case where a Singaporean girl named one of the reasons for breaking off with his boyfriend as him not achieving perfect scores for his A level exam despite him being a college graduate.

Outwardly a person can be kind and civil towards another but as long as one is condescending there is an element of "me higher than thou". Condescending attitude is defined as "patronizing superiority".The story also has a glimpse of how a recipient of such sympathy feels belittled and stifled.

All in all a good book for a good laugh as well as a check on our own attitude.

Losing Control

I used to take some light snacks before evening Buddhist class on Fridays and tuck in supper after that. Last Friday I skipped lunch and decided to have a heavier meal before class. So I finished one whole plate of Hor Fun which was a bigger portion than I expected and which came in a swirl of starchy gravy. I forced myself to finish it to avoid the guilt of wasting food.

The whole of that evening found me fighting to keep awake. The carbo overdose played tricks on me, flashing screens after screens of images which usually happens just before one dozes off. So instead of having clarity during meditation I was continuously trying to drag myself out of slumber. Paying attention to the teacher was another battle. In my blurry mind state I even thought the Ivory Buddha (which looked onto the hall) wore a smile when the teacher made some humourous remarks!

It is kind of infuriating that a careless food intake can render such loss of control. You feel like you were foolishly robbed off your will power. It also serves to show how a person's feelings, thoughts and behaviour are affected by his body constitution, physically and chemically. You might have heard of the case of a man in the States whose urge to commit sexual crime fluctuates with the growth, removal and regrowth of a tumour in his brain. The tumour pushes against the prefrontal lobe which is the area responsible for self restraint. Chemical imbalance is another cause of mental disorders in some people.

It really is quite scary to think that recreational Marijuana is recently legalized in Colorado and Washington. Of course arguments in support have been put forward about it's existing widespread use and the huge resources spent on the fight against the illegal drug trade and the crimes that proliferated from it. Even then it is quite incomprehensible that a state can allow the increased risk of drug addiction and not protect its citizens from ruining their mental health. Already it has been reported that there has been a significant increase in young children treated for accidentally taking marijuana laced cookies, cakes, sweets and drinks since the new laws were passed; not to mention the unfavouratble messages the legalisation is sending to children that it is ok to lose control of your mind and rationale.

Hopefully the liberalisation of drug use is contained within certain countries and will not influence others. Many countries are facing the problens of an aging population. It is estimated that there are about 44 million people suffering from dementia worldwide and it is expected to grow to 75 million in 2020. The irony is stark. Whilst tens of millions are hanging on to their last strains of reasoning power and grasping the last trace of memories, millions will also be paying and seeking fun to lose these faculties.

As I am likely to be amongst the 75 million unfortunate people, I should treasure clarity of mind whenever possible, taking more care and refrain from careless acts like gorging inappropriate food.

No Me

Exploring the idea of "not being here" or "no me", visualising how people carry on their lives by hook or by crook without you around, how the world goes on, the routines, the highs and the lows without your input, can generate a strange sense of freedom. You picture yourself standing at the fringe watching things go by. In a weird sense you feel kind of happy that actually you are now still alive, and like a peripheral device will plug yourself in to provide support to people when needed. Likewise there is no sadness when no one calls upon you or remembers you. You are content because that continuous need to forge an identity of responsibility has been lifted. It is also liberating when you don't have to uphold any image and can stop letting people tell you who you should be. It allows you to follow your heart's true bidding without the traps of pretensions. Fetters of cravings and attachment that once preoccupy you fall away.

I won't be surprised my readers think I am going bongkus or wonder what garbage I am throwing out. However there is no harm in stretching your mind into the wilderness once in awhile and take note of your thoughts and feelings that arise from this idea, whether it is abhorrence or curiosity. Who knows you may discover things about yourself you have never known. It may be difficult for a youthful person to entertain such thoughts for it is said you need to establish an identity before letting go of it. Western psychology emphasize the need for self esteem to have a stable personality and personal well being. Unfortunately, very often a man's sense of self esteem is dependent on the opinion of others. In his relentless pursuit to achieve the yardsticks of success prescribed by his community a man may lose his true self.

Just like a coin with 2 sides, whilst the head is the front that bears a statesman's head it is the tail side which tells its intrinsic value. It may therefore make sense to turn the head away occasionally to see our true essence.

Who holds our destiny?

Perhaps it is an overdose of TV soap opera or the eerily close relatedness to a fiction I am reading or perhaps the newspapers are carrying past year reviews which brings about a reflective year end mood. It keeps me thinking about how decisions and their resulting actions can be so life changing. It is quite scary to imagine that life would be quite different if you have gone to school A instead of school B or that you have chosen this discipline instead of that or that you have joined this company instead of that or that you have remained single instead of being married  or that you have 3 children instead of 2 . It makes me wonder whether we actually shape our life literally by each decision we make (carefully or carelessly) thereby writing a life story which could easily have been  a very different one as well. On the other hand  it could be the hand of  Destiny which actually creates circumstances that make us choose certain paths in life thereby playing out the destined life. Could that be why some have relatively smooth lives whilst others struggle throughout?


Do we listen to Shakespear's "It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves" or John Lennon's "There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be..."

To me both hold truths. The family we were born into, the conditioning throughout the years, our body constitution coupled with certain karmic inheritance (if we believe in it)  play a significant role in where we are and what we are now. However the good news is we can choose how we want to react in each situation. Thinking through the potential consequences we then go on to make decisions in our best judgement and with good intention. Should the outcome disappoint or  fall short of expectation despite many trials, we must then summon whatever inner wisdom possible to decide how to react. When we watch a drama or read a novel it can be quite startling how characters chose to react in manners so detrimental to their well being. If only we can be as clear when living our own story. 

So on this new year's eve, I will resolve to remember Viktor Frankl's famous quote: "Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."