Not in the same league

Spent the last weekend finishing a trashy but funny book instead of the much needed spring cleaning. "Crazy Rich Asians" is an over exaggerated stereo typing fiction about the the "old money" rich Asians in Singapore, HK and Malaysia and their prejudices and condescending attitudes towards people outside their league and even the "new money" rich and especially intense towards mainland Chinese. The story is a bit far too long but is quite funny with some dialect  (cantonese, hokkien) and Singlish including swear language being thrown in. The setting is familiar as the story takes place mainly in Singapore. Still I am quite puzzled how it is in the best selling list in NewYork. Oh, the author grows up in Singapore but now lives in NY. Quite frankly if foreigners associate the characters with the Singapore masses it is not very flattering. though some semblance of it exists like there is nothing in our lives and conversation except food, branded bags and property prices.

Still it gives a glimpse of the lavish lifestyle of the tycoon families, which most of us can never imagine even after discounting for exaggeration. The wisdom of this Chinese phrase  "  竹門對竹門，木門對木門  " (advocating family background compatibility in a marriage) constantly propped up in my mind. But what really hits me as so true is the prejudices people have towards others not of their league, and I think it is prevalent not only in the super wealthy but in every strata of society from the top to the middle in terms of wealth, education, sex orientation and race (including country of origin).

Here's a line from the book describing the prospects of ascending on the Shenzhen airport "land in the clusterfuck that is Shenzhen.......where we can wait in a custom line for the rest of the day with thirty thousand of your closet friends- the vast majority of whom have never heard of antiperspirant and won't share the same concept of personal space as you do". Yep this is just one very commonly felt irritant that most overseas Chinese have about their counterpart in mainland China. I myself have joined in conversations complaining about loud mouth foreigners in our trains.

In my story telling sessions at the NLB a frequent audience is a boy from India who is very quick to volunteer his opinion, sometimes sharing glimpses of his hometown. I notice every time he talks, some local parents in the room will cast him a disdainful "there he goes again" look. Then there are mainland Chinese mothers/grandmothers who force their little toddlers to sit through even though they may not understand a word of English sometimes causing disturbances much to the chagrin of our local parents.

Another line from the book "Astrid doesn't date in our stratosphere" describes how a female character is beyond reach of most males. This of course is no surprise as I have heard of many girls in Singapore who will not accept a single date from any male who is assessed to earn below a certain benchmark annual income. I have even heard of a case where a Singaporean girl named one of the reasons for breaking off with his boyfriend as him not achieving perfect scores for his A level exam despite him being a college graduate.

Outwardly a person can be kind and civil towards another but as long as one is condescending there is an element of "me higher than thou". Condescending attitude is defined as "patronizing superiority".The story also has a glimpse of how a recipient of such sympathy feels belittled and stifled.

All in all a good book for a good laugh as well as a check on our own attitude.

Losing Control

I used to take some light snacks before evening Buddhist class on Fridays and tuck in supper after that. Last Friday I skipped lunch and decided to have a heavier meal before class. So I finished one whole plate of Hor Fun which was a bigger portion than I expected and which came in a swirl of starchy gravy. I forced myself to finish it to avoid the guilt of wasting food.

The whole of that evening found me fighting to keep awake. The carbo overdose played tricks on me, flashing screens after screens of images which usually happens just before one dozes off. So instead of having clarity during meditation I was continuously trying to drag myself out of slumber. Paying attention to the teacher was another battle. In my blurry mind state I even thought the Ivory Buddha (which looked onto the hall) wore a smile when the teacher made some humourous remarks!

It is kind of infuriating that a careless food intake can render such loss of control. You feel like you were foolishly robbed off your will power. It also serves to show how a person's feelings, thoughts and behaviour are affected by his body constitution, physically and chemically. You might have heard of the case of a man in the States whose urge to commit sexual crime fluctuates with the growth, removal and regrowth of a tumour in his brain. The tumour pushes against the prefrontal lobe which is the area responsible for self restraint. Chemical imbalance is another cause of mental disorders in some people.

It really is quite scary to think that recreational Marijuana is recently legalized in Colorado and Washington. Of course arguments in support have been put forward about it's existing widespread use and the huge resources spent on the fight against the illegal drug trade and the crimes that proliferated from it. Even then it is quite incomprehensible that a state can allow the increased risk of drug addiction and not protect its citizens from ruining their mental health. Already it has been reported that there has been a significant increase in young children treated for accidentally taking marijuana laced cookies, cakes, sweets and drinks since the new laws were passed; not to mention the unfavouratble messages the legalisation is sending to children that it is ok to lose control of your mind and rationale.

Hopefully the liberalisation of drug use is contained within certain countries and will not influence others. Many countries are facing the problens of an aging population. It is estimated that there are about 44 million people suffering from dementia worldwide and it is expected to grow to 75 million in 2020. The irony is stark. Whilst tens of millions are hanging on to their last strains of reasoning power and grasping the last trace of memories, millions will also be paying and seeking fun to lose these faculties.

As I am likely to be amongst the 75 million unfortunate people, I should treasure clarity of mind whenever possible, taking more care and refrain from careless acts like gorging inappropriate food.

No Me

Exploring the idea of "not being here" or "no me", visualising how people carry on their lives by hook or by crook without you around, how the world goes on, the routines, the highs and the lows without your input, can generate a strange sense of freedom. You picture yourself standing at the fringe watching things go by. In a weird sense you feel kind of happy that actually you are now still alive, and like a peripheral device will plug yourself in to provide support to people when needed. Likewise there is no sadness when no one calls upon you or remembers you. You are content because that continuous need to forge an identity of responsibility has been lifted. It is also liberating when you don't have to uphold any image and can stop letting people tell you who you should be. It allows you to follow your heart's true bidding without the traps of pretensions. Fetters of cravings and attachment that once preoccupy you fall away.

I won't be surprised my readers think I am going bongkus or wonder what garbage I am throwing out. However there is no harm in stretching your mind into the wilderness once in awhile and take note of your thoughts and feelings that arise from this idea, whether it is abhorrence or curiosity. Who knows you may discover things about yourself you have never known. It may be difficult for a youthful person to entertain such thoughts for it is said you need to establish an identity before letting go of it. Western psychology emphasize the need for self esteem to have a stable personality and personal well being. Unfortunately, very often a man's sense of self esteem is dependent on the opinion of others. In his relentless pursuit to achieve the yardsticks of success prescribed by his community a man may lose his true self.

Just like a coin with 2 sides, whilst the head is the front that bears a statesman's head it is the tail side which tells its intrinsic value. It may therefore make sense to turn the head away occasionally to see our true essence.

Who holds our destiny?

Perhaps it is an overdose of TV soap opera or the eerily close relatedness to a fiction I am reading or perhaps the newspapers are carrying past year reviews which brings about a reflective year end mood. It keeps me thinking about how decisions and their resulting actions can be so life changing. It is quite scary to imagine that life would be quite different if you have gone to school A instead of school B or that you have chosen this discipline instead of that or that you have joined this company instead of that or that you have remained single instead of being married  or that you have 3 children instead of 2 . It makes me wonder whether we actually shape our life literally by each decision we make (carefully or carelessly) thereby writing a life story which could easily have been  a very different one as well. On the other hand  it could be the hand of  Destiny which actually creates circumstances that make us choose certain paths in life thereby playing out the destined life. Could that be why some have relatively smooth lives whilst others struggle throughout?


Do we listen to Shakespear's "It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves" or John Lennon's "There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be..."

To me both hold truths. The family we were born into, the conditioning throughout the years, our body constitution coupled with certain karmic inheritance (if we believe in it)  play a significant role in where we are and what we are now. However the good news is we can choose how we want to react in each situation. Thinking through the potential consequences we then go on to make decisions in our best judgement and with good intention. Should the outcome disappoint or  fall short of expectation despite many trials, we must then summon whatever inner wisdom possible to decide how to react. When we watch a drama or read a novel it can be quite startling how characters chose to react in manners so detrimental to their well being. If only we can be as clear when living our own story. 

So on this new year's eve, I will resolve to remember Viktor Frankl's famous quote: "Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

What they may like and may not yet have?

It is a tradition in my family of origin to have a gathering around Xmas, right from the time when my parents were around and when none of us were Christians until today when 3 out of my 5 siblings are. Used to be, presents were bought for my parents and the children. Now, we only get presents for the children's children, and what a headache it is.

I browse around the toy departments of big stores and find it hard to hit something which my grand-nieces/nephew may like and may not yet have. Setting a budget of around S$25 per item proves to be really constraining. So a small Playmobil set may be interesting but recalling a picture on facebook showing my grandnephew sprawling on the floor amidst what looks like a complete array of vehicles and helmet-wearing figures in a complete "Men at work" set, made me replace the toy on the shelve.

How about a book for my grandniece going to K2 next year? Surely one with glossy colourful pictures should be delightful. Then again, I always wonder what her tablet consists. Or is it Kindle she already possess which probably fulfills her reading needs right up to JC ?. Oh but don't I love those pop-up books which were so costly that I never got to buy any for my own children when they were toddlers. Come to think of it some of the things I bought for my kids when they were growing up were actually things I missed and would love to have if I was young again. So I must never fall into this mistake again but of course things available today don't even exist in our wildest imagination then.

Maybe just being practical and buying some stationery sets may solve the headache. Now the problem arises deciding which brand they want, is it Hello Kitty or Angry Bird etc etc? Again I had to forgo this idea after recalling one incident. My daughter was once invited to a birthday party of some rich primary school classmate. Again at a loss of ideas and falling into the "what I wanted as a child" trap I helped her buy the biggest set of Faber Castell colour pencils available. My daughter reported it was the present the birthday girl gave the least "glance' time.

OK the final straw came when my niece who just gave birth to a baby girl posted on her facebook a picture of the baby next to the iconic Tiffany box and the comment "...'s first Tiffany" (from daddy).

Out of impulse I commented "Level of satisfaction correlates with degree of 'want'. Let her have the chance to enjoy 'Tiffany' when she is older".

Avoiding the Stops and Starts

French philosopher Descartes' famous quote "I think therefore I am" may now be pushed aside by facebook to " I share therefore I am". (Today's ST Opinion page has an interesting article entitled "Living a Life of Stops and Starts"). In it the writer describes how his friend, a famous actor was often approached by passers by to have a photo taken with him so that they could share on their facebook. The actor offered instead a short chit chat instead of a photo whereby these people can discuss what they like or dislike about his show. Though taken by surprise very few walked away happy. They just wanted a photo with him because as the writer concluded "to have" or "to possess" (the photo) is necessary in order to "share". People need "documentation" first and "experience" later.

I really like the way the writer describes how with technology we are now "putting ourselves and those around us on pause in order to document our lives". Why "Stops and Starts"? Well, every so often in the midst of doing something the phone alerts you to a message or email and habits have it that you need to steal a look., hence the stop. Then you got to restart or resume. Needless to say, the writer quoted Obama's selfie as an example.

O course I am also one such culprit. At times when trying to capture a special moment there arises a quick dilemma in my mind whether to just experience it (before it lapses) instead of possessing it on a flat screen. When I attended my son's convocation we were seated at a vantage point where I could capture the scroll receiving handshake. However in my great desire to possess the picture and anxiousness not to miss it, I only saw this through the small pinhole of my iphone! From the photo I will never be able to get the feel again, sigh...

I am quite certain all parents feel the frustrations of their children texting and fixated on their devices  at meal time or during conversations. Oh but now even baby boomer are equally fixated. So it is not uncommon to see baby boomer grandparents with their children and grandchildren at a restaurant communicating with their ipads (for the toddler) and iphones etc for the rest. Perhaps only the presence of a 80 year old mama or ah gong can bring back some sanity and communication into the dining table.

The article however ended with an optimistic note about a rising trend where teenagers feeling the shortcomings of technology now begin to demand real conversation with their parents. It quoted an example of a 14 yr old teenager telling her "device-smitten" dad, "Dad, stop Googling. I don't care about the right answer. I want to talk to you.".

I guess for a start we have to set good examples for our children.

Those Unlabelled

Susan Boyle, the singer who shot to fame in the TV show Britain's Got Talent announced that she has Asperger ( a condition where the sufferer lacks the ability to pick up social cues thus making social interaction a challenge). She describes how her condition has subjected her to a lot of bullying in her childhood. She hopes that "people will treat me better because they will have a much greater understanding of who I am and why I do the things I do." This was apparently after she almost suffered a breakdown because of the worldwide attention she had drawn.

Now most people have character traits that are peculiar to themselves, some of which if less socially acceptable and out of the behavioural norm will be labelled by the American Psychiatric Association as a mental disorder in a guide called the DSM.  Asperger is often described as a high functioning form of Autism.  However if you think about it many people may have semblances of behavioural traits similar to those labelled as disorders in the DSM. It is just a matter of the extent ie. ranging from slight traces to strong "symptoms".

What keeps me thinking is Susan Boyle's hope that people will treat her better now that they understand she has Asperger. So why do people become more empathetic towards a person if they know he (or she)  is suffering from a labelled mental disorder. Does another person who just misses the diagnostic criteria of the DSM by a small margin and hence is unlabelled deserves less sympathy? Do we therefore have to be understanding irrespective and how do we develop this kind of empathy universally?

Maybe we have to fall back on what makes a person, his body constitution and DNA, his past and present conditioning, memories and experiences that give rise to his perception, thinking as well as develop his habitual energy (习气). 

In the children's home where I do sandplay therapy there is a pair of sisters whose age gap is about a year. Although both have similar experiences from a dysfunctional home, the older one is more matured and caring whilst the younger one is rebellious and described as self centred. Hence the younger child is not well liked and this reinforces her hostility and needs for attention. (Honestly, it is quite challenging not to dislike her). One wonders why she is so different from her sister. However as mentioned in the previous paragraph, if one will to ponder about her being a middle child, her being always a shadow of her sisters (the pair has an elder sister being put up in another centre and 4 younger siblings as well), her being a bit dyslexic, her temperament being perhaps less suitable for institutional living, one can cultivate greater sense of empathy. Of late I was told even the elder sister has started to act out, probably because mum is bringing their eldest sister (the firstborn) from the woman's shelter to live with her whilst the remaining kids stay put at the children's home. This goes to show how changing circumstances continuously change experiences shaping new feelings and perceptions.

Of course such empathy should also be cultivated right from home. So if my husband refuses to dispose of unwanted items and  make our garden almost like a jungle, I think about how our garden may resemble the farm in his happy childhood kampong days. Thus I am learning to turn my attention away from the undergrowth and focus on the young mangoes starting to sprout on the mango tree.