You don't want to play, I play ok?

I had one of the most challenging clients ever. On her first appointment she refused to get out of her father's car. This 9 year old girl is traumatized by the fierce tussle between parents for custody. As a defence mechanism or as a way to express her anger she often throws tantrum and threatens her parents by putting herself in dangerous situations so much so that the police has sometimes to be called. So that day I spent some time in the car park trying to coax her to take a peep at the picture of our sandplay room on my iphone. She closed her eyes and pretended to sleep in the reclined car seat seemingly oblivious; but I think vigilant of all the remarks made by the adults around her. So I landed up talking with her dad (within her ear shot)  trying my best to steer his conversation away from her bad behaviour and encouraging him to talk more about her school life and her strengths. When dad described how she is plucky and roughs out with the boys she stole a smile and uttered a pretentious protest. So for the first appointment she didn't step out of the car. To the credit of the father's perseverance  he arranged a second appointment.

I was mentally prepared that she would not turn up and was pleasantly surprised that they arrived punctually for the second appointment. The child still wearing a furious look declared right into my face that she would not be doing anything. There she was lounged on the chair watching a cartoon on her phone and ignoring all my attempts to get her near the sandtray or to look around the room. After awhile I told her that since the time and space was completely hers she had the freedom to do as she liked. I then went on to say, "You don't want to play, I play ok?". I then used the wet tray to create a pond and placed a family of ducks in it. As I played I described aloud what I was doing. The child stole some glances of me at play. Then still frowning she moved nearer and nearer. I asked her to suggest what I should put in my tray. Slowly she let go of her defences and joined in. I guess what drew her was my authenticity at play, meaning I was really enjoying the play. In the end she spent almost half an hour moving the sand in another tray. That was what I wished most for her because the tactile nature of the sand will help her relax  and also helps her to be in touch with her inner self.

For me as an observer what struck me was the absolute contrast in demeanor between her angry defensive self and the child like innocent self once she allowed it to surface. I caught some brief glimpses of childish joy when we share about our pets. It upsets me a little when reflecting how much the child suppresses her innate childlike delight and has to constantly put on an armour.

In my work with children I do not know how much I have been of real help. Not many parents believe in such expressive therapy and only few keep the sessions going beyond the first few. One father looking at his teenage son's sandtray picture blatantly remarked to his son "Is that all you did for one whole hour?" Thereafter the boy did not turn up again. (It was of course wrong of me to allow the parent into the sandplay room.) Sometimes I myself lose confidence and have doubts on its effectiveness. However there are also times whilst observing the children engaging in sandplay I can sense the catharsis taking place within them.

Through it all what I consider good enough is providing a safe space for the child, feeling and sensing with them. In the case of the children at the children's home where I volunteer it is good enough for them to feel they are being loved. In all that we do there are often times when we vacillate and are unsure whether we are doing the right thing. At the end of the day the guiding principle for all our actions should be good intention. With that we can set our mind at ease for all our actions even if people's opinion differ from ours.

So when I say to the child "You don't want to play, I play ok?" and I really mean it, it will be fine.

Of La La Land

I watched the film La La Land a story about an actress and a musician pursuing their dreams in LA, a city that often fizzles wannabes' ambitions in smoke. This musical provides great entertainment in terms of musical and visual delight as well as philosophical reflection on pursuing life goals. I particularly like the last part where they showed a rosy tinted run on what life could possibly have been like if everything the characters wish falls in place. It then ends with the stark reality that life does not happen that way ie. there is no perfect life. It is all about choices and living with whatever the outcome and sacrifices.

This again brings to mind a phrase "Everything we encounter is our life". Every situation arises from causes and conditions, often from our own doing and often not or beyond us. Yet we have to live to the best that we can. In the final session of the Life Script Review class which I attended, there was much reckoning that hardships encountered in life often spur one towards something positive. The participant who had been through a divorce volunteers as a befriender to single parents. Another who came from a dysfunctional family that wrecked some of her siblings' lives now helps out in the prisons providing hope and moral support. Where life in some was once so skewed and imbalanced the need to achieve equilibrium kicked in at some point of time sending them on a spiritual quest.

Through it all the way I see self awareness and acceptance as of greatest importance.Again the serenity prayer surfaces in my mind:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

 

 

Go watch the show, its ending encapsulates this refrain.

Precious take away from classmates

I mentioned sometime ago that I am attending a Life Script Review class at SACE. Now onto the 4th of 6 sessions, participants have been asked to share their personal life stories so that others can help identify repeated patterns. This is very much like the sandplay therapy which I practice where I try to identify repeated themes in the children's stories.

Having heard 6 accounts of personal history (all participants are above 50 years old ), one observation I made is the presence of some form of mild discontent or regret in all except for one. So for those who are single and have had successful careers the regret was not having a richer social life. For those who missed out on higher education they wondered what they would have become had they focused more on education, despite having spent good years nurturing a warm family. Then of course there are some who just feel something is lacking in their life which they can not really define. I see this as a general disappointment for failing to discover one's full potential be it in intellectual/occupational wellness or emotional/social wellness.

Two other common traits are evident across lives. A stable childhood with good bonding and support clearly provides a strong foundation to meet challenges and withstand hardship. However for those who came from dysfunctional families, the saving grace is spiritual faith which helped them rise from the ashes to steer towards a lighted path.

Another common trait is a vouch not to repeat their parents' "mistakes". Those whose lives were scripted by their parents allowed their children full liberty to choose their own paths. Those who did not receive sufficient parental attention or love in their childhood  re-compensate instead  their own children by sacrificing their career.

The course is still ongoing and people are beginning to share more of their private lives including illnesses etc. So far one very inspirational take away for me  is how some people step up to critical life events purely by brute forcing themselves to adopt the right attitude and to do the right thing for themselves and for their close ones. This reminds me of Viktor Frankl, the holocaust psychiatrist survivor and his famous quote:

 “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.”

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/v/viktorefr131417.html

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/v/viktorefr131417.html

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/v/viktorefr131417.html

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/v/viktorefr131417.html

Facebook flashbacks

Facebook now has a feature that gives you a daily flashback of pictures you posted in the past on the very same day of the year.  As I was writing this blog I took a picture from the hotel room's writing desk at Tam Coc Vietnam, a rustic countryside surrounded by limestone hills. This place, this spot could well have been Somerset Maugham's chosen retreat to write his novel. I can imagine him reclining on the ratan chair as words flowed through his mind.

A year or many from now on this very day, Facebook will probably flash this very picture to jolt my memory, probably even after I am dead. Beyond some brief flashback or reminiscence, this very moment has absolutely no purpose for me in those future moments; and when I am dead and gone what use has this moment left for the 'once upon a time' me.

Thus this moment has to be fully lived with full presence.

The Spirit of Independence- early woman settlers

There is something I find quite refreshing reading Ann Wee's book A Tiger Remembers- The way we were in Singapore. Ann Wee is often referred to as the founding Mother of social work in Singapore. Back in the 70s her university students in the course of their project work observed that early immigrants from China who remained as singles took on vastly different attitudes towards single hood depending on their gender. The single old men had low esteem for having no means to establish a family and carry on the family lineage. The single elderly female immigrants however had a proud sense of achieving independence through earning a livelihood without relying on others. Most of these grand old dames who lived in 'kongsi' (dwelling arrangement shared by singles) were either the 'Sam Sui' women who worked at construction sites or domestic servants who had pledged singlehood as a lifetime choice.
I find this phenomenon very amazing. We are referring to an era more than half a century ago when women are considered incomplete without settling down with a family, a social stigma against spinsters which lasted for centuries and which perhaps only abated until recent times. Instead this admirable group of fiercely independent women were proud of their status of self supporting livelihood. Along the way I wonder what happened that this spirit had not been upheld and that my generation still felt the pressure from society to get married despite the fact that we are educated and hold jobs like our brothers.
Apparently the history of this spirit started way back when young women in Guangdong working in the silk industry brought home income as much as their brothers. When rayon displaced silk in the early 20th Century many moved to Shanghai to work in the factories. When the Japanese invaded China these Cantonese women found their way to Singapore. "From only one dialect group, the Cantonese, was there sizeable immigration by single women " as was written in the book.

Being of Cantonese origin I am really proud of them and only lament this spirit of fearless disregard of social norms was not imparted to us. Now I also know why other Chinese dialects had the impression that Cantonese women are fierce; and I must say rightly and proudly so.

Life script review- childhood

I am currently attending a class on Life Scripts Review organised by SACE. The objective of the course is to analyse our current life script and re-script it where possible to achieve a more meaningful and better quality life. There are about 10 female participants ranging from 51 to 68 years of age, and we are still at the early stage of recalling critical life events in childhood and thinking about their impact or implications.

So far no one has shared any truly traumatic experience or perhaps withheld from sharing. However there seems to be a few common situations that the ladies remember vividly about their childhood. Do not forget we are talking about us growing up in the 1950s and 1960s. One typical experience is gender bias. So we have people sharing about how their birth was met with disappointment by grandparents/parents. One lady being the second granddaughter was denied the pleasure of being named by the grandmother. So her father had to give her a name where the second character means "end" ie. signifying the last of the female offspring. Most of the participants, not to mention one Indian lady, spoke with half humour  and half lament about how the sons in the family were treated like lords. However there seems to be very little impact. None of us become men haters or fiercely grudging feminists. All of us just laughed it off as quirks of the previous era.

Another common experience that left deep imprint is poverty and the resulting humiliation encountered. Poverty however was relative. So the hardest hit are those who went to elite schools whilst coming from poor families. Vivid in their minds were the stress of sharing books or accessories which were commonly used by pupils in different levels like the book "First Aid in English". So one had to excuse from class to get the shared book from a sibling in another class. Also of embarrassment was worn out shoes with holes and tattered or patched uniform. One lady recounted being so poor that the family rented a room from the owner of an attap house and was denied by the house owner the use of the bathroom. Her family had to take baths at the public water turnpikes. When she took her quick baths she was wary of being witnessed by her classmates who lived in the same area. The humiliation was more acute when being academically inclined one was placed in the top classes where the proportion of pupils from well off families was higher. One lady recounted being shy that her grandmother ran a stall in the school canteen. Another recounted the embarrassment of bringing a kati of cheap biscuits for the year end class party and noticing in dismay the untouched biscuits amongst fruit pudding, fanciful cakes, sandwiches and candies contributed by other classmates.

Yet one extremely positive experience is the freedom of play and especially so amongst those who lived in kampong houses or near to nature. As parents were too occupied with earning a living most were left to their own devices. Rough play and fighting to defend oneself from bullies or gangsters instilled fearlessness and independence. The joy of such freedom and carefree play seemed to erase any misery from hardship and provided the equilibrium that constituted a generally happy life.

Well at least for now that is what people have shared. Let's see what will come out as we venture deeper into our current life scripts.

US Presidency-Is it written in the stars?

So much has been written, ridiculed, lamented and dissected about the shocking Trump presidential victory that one who wishes to analyse this unexpected historical event will be affronted with mountains of material.

I watched the election results on CNN and BBC live and I could feel what it meant for the Democrat supporters to be delivered progressively poor outcomes. The live analysis became more and more painful when commentators worked out scenarios that even with the most positive outcome in the Clinton strongholds the cause seemed to be losing faster and faster. In the end it was too distressing to watch and I just quit in a general sense of despondency. Whether it is about free trade, climate change revamp, international security policies, globalization or liberalism taking a step or more backwards I do not know, but I just felt like humanity has stealthed a bit more into darkness.

I ponder about this event from a cosmic and metaphysical approach and can not help but think it is really part of destiny. To think that any Republican candidate other than Trump could have won the race given the anti establishment sentiments and that any Democrat candidate other than Clinton could also have won the race against the demonised Trump, and yet the most seemingly undeserving person came to power just smacked of a destined historical thread in the fabric of the world. In a world of climax and anti climax all situations stretched beyond limits have breaking points. So the marginalized population all the world over have revolted through their ballots in this year of the Monkey as perhaps written in the stars.

In early 2016 with the pending year of the monkey CNN asked Hong Kong fortune teller Priscilla Lam to predict the chances of the candidates for the US presidency. This is the extract:
 "She says the new lunar year will fuel good fortune for "earth dog" Donald Trump, while also lighting a fire under Hillary Clinton. Bernie Sanders' missing metal is a problem with older voters and the fighting elements of fire and water might just leave Marco Rubio all wet."

So if it is destined by the stars, it is inevitable that Trump won against all odds. Should it really be Armageddon then it should be remembered that a phoenix will arise from the ashes. Perhaps the world needs to reach a nadir point before big positive changes take place. Perhaps too events  may not be as dramatic as what Trump promised and who knows he might turn out to be amongst the great and effective presidents in US history. Who knows? Try reading the stars.

Beyond Utilitarian Values

Researches have found that senior citizens who feel they are no longer useful to anyone are 3 times more likely to die prematurely than those who feel otherwise. Is this a need for utilitarian acceptance or some form of selfish pride/self esteem?

Going into the future this problem may extend to the general population when AI and robotic automation brings about unprecedented job loss. It has been suggested that almost half of existing jobs are threatened to be displaced by 2025. It is this threat that has given rise to the idea of an universal income, a basic income for every resident in a country. It ensures everyone's basic needs are met without the negative carry of being on social security. However being without a job has far reaching consequences beyond just economic. There is  the loss of self respect and the emotional pain of not being needed by society.

Hence the values of society must also undergo a paradigm shift. There need to be new criteria for social acceptance beyond job status . In some ways the new generation are exhibiting some semblance of such change like the emergence of social enterprises. Social entrepreneurs are described as "individuals with innovative solutions to society's most pressing social problems." The millenials want real meaning beyond collecting things, homes and cars and they are creating new definitions to success and what constitutes a well lived life.

In a world where every one has a basic income and jobs have to be shared there will be more leisure time for the development of the human spirit. A person can now worry less about bread and butter and is freed to find work in area which really interests him. More people will engage in artistic pursuits, innovative ventures, learning and research. People will also have more time for social interaction. In short people can become more alive if you will.

 Even the unemployed need not suffer from economic uncertainties nor the emotional loss of self esteem.Utilitarian values and material success which inculcate competition and personal gain will no longer be the criteria for external approval. Social participation, self expression, self learning and creative innovations may be the new values replacing them.

I must reiterate the quote which I mentioned in a previous blog which says what the world needs is people who have come alive. Ask what makes you come alive and do that.