You don't want to play, I play ok?

I had one of the most challenging clients ever. On her first appointment she refused to get out of her father's car. This 9 year old girl is traumatized by the fierce tussle between parents for custody. As a defence mechanism or as a way to express her anger she often throws tantrum and threatens her parents by putting herself in dangerous situations so much so that the police has sometimes to be called. So that day I spent some time in the car park trying to coax her to take a peep at the picture of our sandplay room on my iphone. She closed her eyes and pretended to sleep in the reclined car seat seemingly oblivious; but I think vigilant of all the remarks made by the adults around her. So I landed up talking with her dad (within her ear shot)  trying my best to steer his conversation away from her bad behaviour and encouraging him to talk more about her school life and her strengths. When dad described how she is plucky and roughs out with the boys she stole a smile and uttered a pretentious protest. So for the first appointment she didn't step out of the car. To the credit of the father's perseverance  he arranged a second appointment.

I was mentally prepared that she would not turn up and was pleasantly surprised that they arrived punctually for the second appointment. The child still wearing a furious look declared right into my face that she would not be doing anything. There she was lounged on the chair watching a cartoon on her phone and ignoring all my attempts to get her near the sandtray or to look around the room. After awhile I told her that since the time and space was completely hers she had the freedom to do as she liked. I then went on to say, "You don't want to play, I play ok?". I then used the wet tray to create a pond and placed a family of ducks in it. As I played I described aloud what I was doing. The child stole some glances of me at play. Then still frowning she moved nearer and nearer. I asked her to suggest what I should put in my tray. Slowly she let go of her defences and joined in. I guess what drew her was my authenticity at play, meaning I was really enjoying the play. In the end she spent almost half an hour moving the sand in another tray. That was what I wished most for her because the tactile nature of the sand will help her relax  and also helps her to be in touch with her inner self.

For me as an observer what struck me was the absolute contrast in demeanor between her angry defensive self and the child like innocent self once she allowed it to surface. I caught some brief glimpses of childish joy when we share about our pets. It upsets me a little when reflecting how much the child suppresses her innate childlike delight and has to constantly put on an armour.

In my work with children I do not know how much I have been of real help. Not many parents believe in such expressive therapy and only few keep the sessions going beyond the first few. One father looking at his teenage son's sandtray picture blatantly remarked to his son "Is that all you did for one whole hour?" Thereafter the boy did not turn up again. (It was of course wrong of me to allow the parent into the sandplay room.) Sometimes I myself lose confidence and have doubts on its effectiveness. However there are also times whilst observing the children engaging in sandplay I can sense the catharsis taking place within them.

Through it all what I consider good enough is providing a safe space for the child, feeling and sensing with them. In the case of the children at the children's home where I volunteer it is good enough for them to feel they are being loved. In all that we do there are often times when we vacillate and are unsure whether we are doing the right thing. At the end of the day the guiding principle for all our actions should be good intention. With that we can set our mind at ease for all our actions even if people's opinion differ from ours.

So when I say to the child "You don't want to play, I play ok?" and I really mean it, it will be fine.