Yesterday I had a dream that probably sums up my feelings for the past year. In my dream I went back to work part time at my ex company. It was evening and I still had to redraft 2 papers, 2 big bundles of cheques to sign (actually that was never my job haha), and my in-tray was overflowing. I thought "hey this is crazy, I am supposed to work part-time". So I went to my ex-boss and told him that if he wanted me back part time he must let me go off at 6pm on those days I was working.
Then my dream switched to my son. It was morning and my son was sleeping at home. He had come back from camp late in the night whilst I was asleep. I was so happy.
Yes certain dreams are easy to interpret without Freudian psycho analysis. I actually still love parts of my former job and dream of returning to an utopian corporate minus the crazy hours, the stifling red tape and the monotony of certain routines (check signing?). The fact that I could give an ultimatum to my boss in my dream underscores a wish that I still have such leverage because of my abilities (this is an ego trip).
Oh the switch to the scene of my son. That's plain want of something. My son had called to say he will be on camp duty on New Year's Day. I feel sad for him and for myself as I was looking forward to have him around on the eve and on New Year day. (Daughter is thousands of miles away in US).
Hence that summarises what I went through in 2007. My resignation from my job gave rise to quite a lot of mixed feelings, relief yet loss, sense of freedom interspersed with boredom, excitement over new experiences mingled with nostalgia of good old days with my ex colleagues.
When my daughter left for overseas education and my son went into NS I had to learn to cope not only with a very quiet home; but also lending a patient ear to their new experiences and struggling to find the appropriate words of comfort for them.
Whatever my dreams are, I am definitely happy to continue with what I have embarked on, story telling, assisting in counselling, pursuing counselling course. I just need to explore further which area brings me more fulfilment. (Hey I think I really like to work with little kids, I get so much fun out of story telling. Some of you may want to try it out, you never know.) I have all the time to explore don't I? Haha!
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Friday, December 28, 2007
Sadness (contd)
More extracts from the book "The Emotional Toolkit"
The internal questioning phase will involve deep probing. But before that you must learn to relax. Sink yourself into a chair and breathe deeply. With each breath out imagine your body sinking heavier and heavier into the chair, until you feel like your body is hanging like a shirt on a hanger, and your body is heavy and limb. Continue breathing and free your mind from distractions.
Ask yourself what you are feeling and wait for your body to respond. If the feeling is accurate you may feel a slight sense of relaxation. If not try asking yourself how else are you feeling. Usually when you get the right feeling your body will relax or you may cry. Once the feeling is identified continue probing what is the underlying core issue, what are you afraid of losing. You will know that the internal questioning process is complete when you feel a sense of closure, signalling you have figured out what you need to know for the moment.
A bit about Negative Self Talk
Negative self talk is related to habit, schema or temperament.
Negative self talk can be a habit. This happens when for eg. an unfavourable comment passed on you is internalised and reinforced over time. You then develop an automatic response and self talk. Ask yourself whether the negative things you describe yourself are facts or just what you have always said to yourself.
Unsupportive schema began when you make assumptions based on your experiences. For eg if a child from a broken family believed from young she was responsible for her parents’ divorce, she may carry a schema that she is flawed and unlovable and that relationships never last and perhaps that life is unpredictable and unsafe.
Lastly the inherent temperament of a person also contributes to his/her worrying nature for example. Knowing one’s temperament allows oneself more time to feel comfortable with new experiences.
Positive Self Talk
Say more positive things to yourself, for eg.
“I’ll just take it slowly” or “I know I can do this"
Self talk is a function of habit. Find your own supportive statement, i.e. one that is natural to you, for eg.
i) “in the end, most things will work out the way they should”
ii) “ I can handle most things”
iii) “even if I make mistakes I’m still ok”
iv) “ the worst that can happen is…..so what?”
Other useful mind tools include:
Emotional writing ( express it in paper-a few sentences at the end of the day)
Connection ("Throughout history people have used connections with small groups, with family and kinsfolk, with peers and the like-minded, to give themselves anchorage in stormy, shifting seas"- Alfred Katz, UCLA professor emeritus)
The internal questioning phase will involve deep probing. But before that you must learn to relax. Sink yourself into a chair and breathe deeply. With each breath out imagine your body sinking heavier and heavier into the chair, until you feel like your body is hanging like a shirt on a hanger, and your body is heavy and limb. Continue breathing and free your mind from distractions.
Ask yourself what you are feeling and wait for your body to respond. If the feeling is accurate you may feel a slight sense of relaxation. If not try asking yourself how else are you feeling. Usually when you get the right feeling your body will relax or you may cry. Once the feeling is identified continue probing what is the underlying core issue, what are you afraid of losing. You will know that the internal questioning process is complete when you feel a sense of closure, signalling you have figured out what you need to know for the moment.
A bit about Negative Self Talk
Negative self talk is related to habit, schema or temperament.
Negative self talk can be a habit. This happens when for eg. an unfavourable comment passed on you is internalised and reinforced over time. You then develop an automatic response and self talk. Ask yourself whether the negative things you describe yourself are facts or just what you have always said to yourself.
Unsupportive schema began when you make assumptions based on your experiences. For eg if a child from a broken family believed from young she was responsible for her parents’ divorce, she may carry a schema that she is flawed and unlovable and that relationships never last and perhaps that life is unpredictable and unsafe.
Lastly the inherent temperament of a person also contributes to his/her worrying nature for example. Knowing one’s temperament allows oneself more time to feel comfortable with new experiences.
Positive Self Talk
Say more positive things to yourself, for eg.
“I’ll just take it slowly” or “I know I can do this"
Self talk is a function of habit. Find your own supportive statement, i.e. one that is natural to you, for eg.
i) “in the end, most things will work out the way they should”
ii) “ I can handle most things”
iii) “even if I make mistakes I’m still ok”
iv) “ the worst that can happen is…..so what?”
Other useful mind tools include:
Emotional writing ( express it in paper-a few sentences at the end of the day)
Connection ("Throughout history people have used connections with small groups, with family and kinsfolk, with peers and the like-minded, to give themselves anchorage in stormy, shifting seas"- Alfred Katz, UCLA professor emeritus)
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Sadness
Sadness
(Extracts from “The Emotional Toolkit” by Darlene Mininni, directly lifting passages from the book with some changes to get the flow. Sometimes I give my own comments in parenthesis)
When you feel sad, you’re likely to find your thoughts focused on the negative aspects of a situation or yourself. These thoughts often revolve around the same theme: loss. This loss could be related to an object you value, or something less tangible like time.
At the bottom of sadness is loss (examples)
1) When not promoted. What is lost? “The positive impression I thought my boss has of my ability to lead” (I don't relate to this issue, haha)
2) Resigning from a job after 27 years(my own eg). What is lost? My old identity.
In developing a new part of your identity you lose another part of yourself. That’s why women will sometimes feel sad when they get married…..or make a decision to alter their lives for the better. Even though the changes are positive and frequently planned, there is still a letting-go and grieving that occur simultaneously. (Here I can relate. I do feel the pain resigning from my ex-company after 27 years; especially so when I feel my contributions in real financial terms and otherwise seem to pass unnoticed, sigh….)
Growth sadness can be magnified if a woman feels the need to change her old ways, but is unsure of what the change should be. (Here the book quote a real case of a lady called Miriam) For ten years Miriam worked as an accountant in a large organization. She enjoyed her job, but as time went on she found herself frustrated by the bureaucracy (phew..this is me..), stymied by the politics, and generally bored by her work. She knew it was time to move on. But to what? Miriam no longer wanted to be an accountant, but she wasn’t sure what she wanted to do with her life. The sadness she felt was underscored by her confusion. Her old identity as an accountant no longer fit her, but her new identity had not yet emerged…..Feeling sad can be a motivator for change….Miriam decided to create a plan to figure out what her new passions were, she talked with people in other fields to find out about their work, met with a career counsellor, and looked to her childhood to remember the things that gave her joy. During this time she still felt sad going to a job that no longer fit her identity, but she was consoled by the fact that she was on her way to discovering what her new identity was
Internal Questioning Process (this is just the first phase of the toolkit)
Identify the feeling ( for eg. “I’m feeling sad”). Ask about the core issue “what is the core thing I am losing”. When you identify that, you find your body will relax and you may cry.
To be continued....
(Extracts from “The Emotional Toolkit” by Darlene Mininni, directly lifting passages from the book with some changes to get the flow. Sometimes I give my own comments in parenthesis)
When you feel sad, you’re likely to find your thoughts focused on the negative aspects of a situation or yourself. These thoughts often revolve around the same theme: loss. This loss could be related to an object you value, or something less tangible like time.
At the bottom of sadness is loss (examples)
1) When not promoted. What is lost? “The positive impression I thought my boss has of my ability to lead” (I don't relate to this issue, haha)
2) Resigning from a job after 27 years(my own eg). What is lost? My old identity.
In developing a new part of your identity you lose another part of yourself. That’s why women will sometimes feel sad when they get married…..or make a decision to alter their lives for the better. Even though the changes are positive and frequently planned, there is still a letting-go and grieving that occur simultaneously. (Here I can relate. I do feel the pain resigning from my ex-company after 27 years; especially so when I feel my contributions in real financial terms and otherwise seem to pass unnoticed, sigh….)
Growth sadness can be magnified if a woman feels the need to change her old ways, but is unsure of what the change should be. (Here the book quote a real case of a lady called Miriam) For ten years Miriam worked as an accountant in a large organization. She enjoyed her job, but as time went on she found herself frustrated by the bureaucracy (phew..this is me..), stymied by the politics, and generally bored by her work. She knew it was time to move on. But to what? Miriam no longer wanted to be an accountant, but she wasn’t sure what she wanted to do with her life. The sadness she felt was underscored by her confusion. Her old identity as an accountant no longer fit her, but her new identity had not yet emerged…..Feeling sad can be a motivator for change….Miriam decided to create a plan to figure out what her new passions were, she talked with people in other fields to find out about their work, met with a career counsellor, and looked to her childhood to remember the things that gave her joy. During this time she still felt sad going to a job that no longer fit her identity, but she was consoled by the fact that she was on her way to discovering what her new identity was
Internal Questioning Process (this is just the first phase of the toolkit)
Identify the feeling ( for eg. “I’m feeling sad”). Ask about the core issue “what is the core thing I am losing”. When you identify that, you find your body will relax and you may cry.
To be continued....
Monday, December 17, 2007
Fear
Whilst waiting for the next module to commence and meanwhile having more time (no volunteering during school hol, I borrowed some books to explore more counseling skills and techniques. So as and when deemed useful I may post in my blog.
Extracts from the book “Intelligent Fear” by Michael Clarkson
Professional golfer Tiger Woods, “ I get very nervous before every shot. It’s how you deal with it that determines whether you will be a success.”
Identify your Fears
-Fear arises when you feel the demands exceed your “deemed" resources.
-Are you thinking negatively? Having unrealistic negative perception of your abilities to deal with the situation? The major problem is that we often see the situations as being too great to handle.
-Are you holding on to too much baggage from the past, a feeling of powerlessness?
Harnessing the energy of Fear
2 stage formula
1) Feel the fear. Feel glad and confident that you have it.
2) Change your fear to a dispassionate focus on skills. By redirecting fear energy you remove distractions and focus the energy on the task at hand. The focus is on the job at hand, now is the time. Develop your physical technique along with your emotional skills so that you learn to trust yourself.
Athletes at crisis points of a match use a similar method to conquer the fear of failure. “ In the moment of truth, they lose total self-awareness….They turn themselves over to their talent and their genes and let their ego get out of the way. It becomes an ideal harmony of mind and body.”
Another formula – 3 stage formula
Change the fear briefly into another passionate emotion- anger or excitement or love- and then channel the energy into the dispassionate work. The transformation must be swift: fear-to-passion-to-dispassion.
The method is taught by Massad Ayoob, a new Hampshire police captain. Ayoob has discovered that when a police officer is threatened by an armed suspect, the officer’s emergency fear system kicks into high gear. This can hinder the officer if he has to use his gun, the officer’s accuracy with his gun breaks down because he is nervous. Ayoob teaches officers to adapt their fear by turning it momentarily to anger and then just as quickly channelling it into their shooting technique.
Another passion that can be used as a quick transition is excitement or the determination to succeed. Instead of just being nervous, you say “This is it" or “This is the moment I’ve been waiting for!” Then, for the third and final stage, you pump your passion into whatever you are doing.
Humour, love or confidence can also be effective middlemen.
Extracts from the book “Intelligent Fear” by Michael Clarkson
Professional golfer Tiger Woods, “ I get very nervous before every shot. It’s how you deal with it that determines whether you will be a success.”
Identify your Fears
-Fear arises when you feel the demands exceed your “deemed" resources.
-Are you thinking negatively? Having unrealistic negative perception of your abilities to deal with the situation? The major problem is that we often see the situations as being too great to handle.
-Are you holding on to too much baggage from the past, a feeling of powerlessness?
Harnessing the energy of Fear
2 stage formula
1) Feel the fear. Feel glad and confident that you have it.
2) Change your fear to a dispassionate focus on skills. By redirecting fear energy you remove distractions and focus the energy on the task at hand. The focus is on the job at hand, now is the time. Develop your physical technique along with your emotional skills so that you learn to trust yourself.
Athletes at crisis points of a match use a similar method to conquer the fear of failure. “ In the moment of truth, they lose total self-awareness….They turn themselves over to their talent and their genes and let their ego get out of the way. It becomes an ideal harmony of mind and body.”
Another formula – 3 stage formula
Change the fear briefly into another passionate emotion- anger or excitement or love- and then channel the energy into the dispassionate work. The transformation must be swift: fear-to-passion-to-dispassion.
The method is taught by Massad Ayoob, a new Hampshire police captain. Ayoob has discovered that when a police officer is threatened by an armed suspect, the officer’s emergency fear system kicks into high gear. This can hinder the officer if he has to use his gun, the officer’s accuracy with his gun breaks down because he is nervous. Ayoob teaches officers to adapt their fear by turning it momentarily to anger and then just as quickly channelling it into their shooting technique.
Another passion that can be used as a quick transition is excitement or the determination to succeed. Instead of just being nervous, you say “This is it" or “This is the moment I’ve been waiting for!” Then, for the third and final stage, you pump your passion into whatever you are doing.
Humour, love or confidence can also be effective middlemen.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Why not a Christian?
Out of the 4 in my study group at my Counselling course, all are christians except me. They are super nice people and I am so glad to be in this group. As we have to use each other to practise what we learn in class, we have a deep appreciation of each other's personal problems. One thing strikes me is how their faith give them the strength to steer through life and not buckle over.
I know they must be praying for me to be a christian just like many other friends of mine. What is holding me back, some want to know. I tell them I am just more inclined towards Buddhism, I don't really know why. Somehow it does not feel right for me that anyone who does not believe that Jesus is the son of God will be condemned to eternal hell. That does not align with my inherent feeling that there's a light in every soul that just need to be lit, although it may take many lifetimes little by little. It seems to me to be against the law of nature that souls should be condemned to eternal sufferings. No that's too cruel and that's not natural and certainly not divine. You get what I mean?
Sometimes when I travel in Asia, in China, Thailand, Indonesia, Malaysia, Cambodia etc, I think about era after era of wars, glories, lost empires, our ancestors and generations after generations that lived through these waves of changes. Each generation embraced certain beliefs to guide them through life's journey. Each belief provides emotional support and moral guidance. Each belief strives to help lost souls discover their inner light.
It can not be that only certain parts of the world is fortunate enough to embrace the right religion and hence shall be safe. I cannot comprehend.
I know they must be praying for me to be a christian just like many other friends of mine. What is holding me back, some want to know. I tell them I am just more inclined towards Buddhism, I don't really know why. Somehow it does not feel right for me that anyone who does not believe that Jesus is the son of God will be condemned to eternal hell. That does not align with my inherent feeling that there's a light in every soul that just need to be lit, although it may take many lifetimes little by little. It seems to me to be against the law of nature that souls should be condemned to eternal sufferings. No that's too cruel and that's not natural and certainly not divine. You get what I mean?
Sometimes when I travel in Asia, in China, Thailand, Indonesia, Malaysia, Cambodia etc, I think about era after era of wars, glories, lost empires, our ancestors and generations after generations that lived through these waves of changes. Each generation embraced certain beliefs to guide them through life's journey. Each belief provides emotional support and moral guidance. Each belief strives to help lost souls discover their inner light.
It can not be that only certain parts of the world is fortunate enough to embrace the right religion and hence shall be safe. I cannot comprehend.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Singapore children are happy
Must share this in case you missed this letter in the forum page. A mother commented on the wrong conclusion that was drawn from a recent survey amongst Singaporean children. The survey suggested that most children in Singapore are happy and are generally not disturbed that their mothers are working and spending less time with them. Hence it concluded that working mothers can now rest easy.
This mother of 2 who wrote in commented that it does not take much to make the kids happy, like letting them watch TV, allowing them to take sugary food and allowing them to idle. But she feels her job as a mother should be "to keep my children unhappy". It takes greater effort to make them unhappy like restricting their time for watching TV and playing computer games, making them take healthy food, disciplining them when they misbehave, etc etc. She then went on to say "A mother who fears making her children unhappy ....is unlikely to have the strength of character to bring up a child ...of character". She went on to quote an old proverb that "A child left to himself brings his mother to shame".
Wow what a strong statement but I thought she does have some valid points. When I show this article to my 17 year old son, his reaction is just as funny. He raves and wonders what kind of mother this lady is, probably the type who expects perfect grades, perfect discipline, perfect everything. "Does she think her children are vermins that cannot be left on their own and need to be restrained?" He thinks she is making a fool of herself!
Hahaha To think that I kind of agree with her.
This mother of 2 who wrote in commented that it does not take much to make the kids happy, like letting them watch TV, allowing them to take sugary food and allowing them to idle. But she feels her job as a mother should be "to keep my children unhappy". It takes greater effort to make them unhappy like restricting their time for watching TV and playing computer games, making them take healthy food, disciplining them when they misbehave, etc etc. She then went on to say "A mother who fears making her children unhappy ....is unlikely to have the strength of character to bring up a child ...of character". She went on to quote an old proverb that "A child left to himself brings his mother to shame".
Wow what a strong statement but I thought she does have some valid points. When I show this article to my 17 year old son, his reaction is just as funny. He raves and wonders what kind of mother this lady is, probably the type who expects perfect grades, perfect discipline, perfect everything. "Does she think her children are vermins that cannot be left on their own and need to be restrained?" He thinks she is making a fool of herself!
Hahaha To think that I kind of agree with her.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Angkor's headless Buddhas- my feelings
Just came back from a trip to Siem Reap & Angkor Wat. Shall not dwell on the wonders of the Ancient City and the charming and quaint hotels/restaurants which Lonely Planet can so well describe.
I just want to make an observation about my own feelings. They are everywhere in the huge ancient city of Angkor, headless Buddhas and headless statues. They were severed, stolen and smuggled out of the country.
But in the inner courts of Angkor Wat, one whole row of headless Buddhas hit me as I stepped in from an outer court. The statues are dusty, coated with sand and grime (Siem Reap is very sandy) and some of these headless Buddhas have a golden sash across the severed neck. Suddenly my mind flashed back to the spotless, modern, cultured & refined ambience of the Metropolitan Museum of Arts in New York which I visited a few months ago. There you can find many many Buddha heads of various sizes, beautifully positioned in well designed wall recesses and glass enclosures and on pedestals. The sophisticated lighting is designed to cast a mysterious aura around them.
And I feel the sadness of my guide when he said ruefully "the heads are everywhere outside this country". Used to be when I was younger I had no feelings when such a sight hit me.
You know as I think about it the reaction towards the same situation is so different at various age in your life. In the seventh cycle of the 7-year period, i.e. when you cross 49 years of age, you reach a phase which is termed as " A Second Wind" by William Byrant. This is a phase of consolidation and integration, when one feels the urge to complete any "unfinished business". This is a reflective phase when changes and transformation take place to be at peace with oneself. "All the vultures of our past come home to roost....Body and soul now reflect all the errors and excesses of our past....(we) have to replace the vanished enthusiasm of youth with new qualities of soul and spirit."
Perhaps that is why I feel sad knowing how impossible it is for the whole to be restored and consolidation to take place in the ruins of Angkor.
I just want to make an observation about my own feelings. They are everywhere in the huge ancient city of Angkor, headless Buddhas and headless statues. They were severed, stolen and smuggled out of the country.
But in the inner courts of Angkor Wat, one whole row of headless Buddhas hit me as I stepped in from an outer court. The statues are dusty, coated with sand and grime (Siem Reap is very sandy) and some of these headless Buddhas have a golden sash across the severed neck. Suddenly my mind flashed back to the spotless, modern, cultured & refined ambience of the Metropolitan Museum of Arts in New York which I visited a few months ago. There you can find many many Buddha heads of various sizes, beautifully positioned in well designed wall recesses and glass enclosures and on pedestals. The sophisticated lighting is designed to cast a mysterious aura around them.
And I feel the sadness of my guide when he said ruefully "the heads are everywhere outside this country". Used to be when I was younger I had no feelings when such a sight hit me.
You know as I think about it the reaction towards the same situation is so different at various age in your life. In the seventh cycle of the 7-year period, i.e. when you cross 49 years of age, you reach a phase which is termed as " A Second Wind" by William Byrant. This is a phase of consolidation and integration, when one feels the urge to complete any "unfinished business". This is a reflective phase when changes and transformation take place to be at peace with oneself. "All the vultures of our past come home to roost....Body and soul now reflect all the errors and excesses of our past....(we) have to replace the vanished enthusiasm of youth with new qualities of soul and spirit."
Perhaps that is why I feel sad knowing how impossible it is for the whole to be restored and consolidation to take place in the ruins of Angkor.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Plight of a " humanities" student
Not sure how many people in Singapore know about the humanities (humans) program offered in JCs. Students who have the literary flair can opt for this program where history, literature and economics are taught by expatriate teachers. These teachers groom the kids to aim for top universities in UK and US.
Maybe because of the interesting manner the subjects are being taught, quite a good number of humans students acquire a love for literature and history; and wish to major in these subjects in college. For those who are on scholarship, they are often "excused" for pursuing something so "impractical" because they are not spending their parents' money anyway. Not so when they are self financed.
Poor kids, even if their parents think that it's money well spent to pursue a liberal arts education abroad, they receive comments a plenty from other adults and even peers about being impratical and "wasting" their parents' money. Mind you these young people are only 18 years old or thereabout and may not have developed that kind of maturity and confidence to focus on their goal. Such comments coming from adults may cause them to feel guilty about overspending and not being practical;and they may truly wonder whether they have faltered in their choice. This is especially so when almost every one around them is pursuing business studies and law; and aiming to be an investment banker or lawyer and competing to make the first million.
Young people whose goal is to be rich have less of a dilemma. They just need to pursue an education that promises to meet the objective in the shortest time span, clearly straight forward. They also get lots of assurances from parents, friends and relatives who cheer them on and congratulate them for their wise choice.
But I salute all those students who dare to be different and pursue their own interests. Yes, it could well be that when they are older they may find that they were too idealistic once; and realise that money and status is still very important. They can still subsequently pursue education towards that end . But the fact that they dare to try something different from the main stream is most admirable. The world needs more of them . Else the whole society will just be on a mindless pursuit for wealth and status with their trappings of luxurious living and blinded ego. Some soulfulness is needed admist this sterile onslaught.
Here I would like to quote Prof Shih Choon Fong, President of NUS who himself was not able to enter NUS but remarked that studing overseas helped shape the way he now led NUS:
"I had the good fortune of meeting people who were enlightened, who understood education as really opening up the mind and encouraging students to think critically and independently and to pursue their passions......And so I brought that experience to Singapore and NUS".
Maybe because of the interesting manner the subjects are being taught, quite a good number of humans students acquire a love for literature and history; and wish to major in these subjects in college. For those who are on scholarship, they are often "excused" for pursuing something so "impractical" because they are not spending their parents' money anyway. Not so when they are self financed.
Poor kids, even if their parents think that it's money well spent to pursue a liberal arts education abroad, they receive comments a plenty from other adults and even peers about being impratical and "wasting" their parents' money. Mind you these young people are only 18 years old or thereabout and may not have developed that kind of maturity and confidence to focus on their goal. Such comments coming from adults may cause them to feel guilty about overspending and not being practical;and they may truly wonder whether they have faltered in their choice. This is especially so when almost every one around them is pursuing business studies and law; and aiming to be an investment banker or lawyer and competing to make the first million.
Young people whose goal is to be rich have less of a dilemma. They just need to pursue an education that promises to meet the objective in the shortest time span, clearly straight forward. They also get lots of assurances from parents, friends and relatives who cheer them on and congratulate them for their wise choice.
But I salute all those students who dare to be different and pursue their own interests. Yes, it could well be that when they are older they may find that they were too idealistic once; and realise that money and status is still very important. They can still subsequently pursue education towards that end . But the fact that they dare to try something different from the main stream is most admirable. The world needs more of them . Else the whole society will just be on a mindless pursuit for wealth and status with their trappings of luxurious living and blinded ego. Some soulfulness is needed admist this sterile onslaught.
Here I would like to quote Prof Shih Choon Fong, President of NUS who himself was not able to enter NUS but remarked that studing overseas helped shape the way he now led NUS:
"I had the good fortune of meeting people who were enlightened, who understood education as really opening up the mind and encouraging students to think critically and independently and to pursue their passions......And so I brought that experience to Singapore and NUS".
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Heal thyself first
Every aspiring counsellor has to resolve his or her unfinnished business (if any) in order to function effectively.
In my case I suffer from anxieties that plague me ever so often. I worry excessively.The slightest physical discomfort would send me scurrying to consult the medical encyclopaedia or internet for illnesses that display such symptoms. If any family member has a late nite out and never calls I would never be able to sleep. In particular I worry when my children are troubled or feel lousey.
I have often suspected my uncalled for anxieties developed out of my childhood experiences. Ha, what a cliche but that's exactly it, common as it may seems . My parents fought every other day and as a child I counted each lucky day without an incident. We the children would always be on high alert and on a constant look out for triggers. There was always a feeling of impending doom. This may catch many of you who know me by surprise. I often appear to be so cheerful. Well, not all is lost with an unhappy childhood. You try to shake off the unpleasant past, substituting with humour as much as you can. Only this anxiety is like an albatross. It creeps into me becoming almost my second nature and a very bad habit indeed. What's more "worrying", my behaviour may rub onto my children.
So for my own sake and that of my family, I have to change. There is no use blaming my parents because they in turn were victims of bad experiences. Being aware of the roots of my anxieties helps me realise it is not my fault i.e. it is not self imposed. However that does not mean I do not have the responsibility to change.
To do so I am constanlty challenging my irrational thinking which give rise to my anxieties. It is not easy but I just have to practise and practise. Hopefully as I master more skills when I proceed to the module on "Counselling for Change" it will be easier.
In my case I suffer from anxieties that plague me ever so often. I worry excessively.The slightest physical discomfort would send me scurrying to consult the medical encyclopaedia or internet for illnesses that display such symptoms. If any family member has a late nite out and never calls I would never be able to sleep. In particular I worry when my children are troubled or feel lousey.
I have often suspected my uncalled for anxieties developed out of my childhood experiences. Ha, what a cliche but that's exactly it, common as it may seems . My parents fought every other day and as a child I counted each lucky day without an incident. We the children would always be on high alert and on a constant look out for triggers. There was always a feeling of impending doom. This may catch many of you who know me by surprise. I often appear to be so cheerful. Well, not all is lost with an unhappy childhood. You try to shake off the unpleasant past, substituting with humour as much as you can. Only this anxiety is like an albatross. It creeps into me becoming almost my second nature and a very bad habit indeed. What's more "worrying", my behaviour may rub onto my children.
So for my own sake and that of my family, I have to change. There is no use blaming my parents because they in turn were victims of bad experiences. Being aware of the roots of my anxieties helps me realise it is not my fault i.e. it is not self imposed. However that does not mean I do not have the responsibility to change.
To do so I am constanlty challenging my irrational thinking which give rise to my anxieties. It is not easy but I just have to practise and practise. Hopefully as I master more skills when I proceed to the module on "Counselling for Change" it will be easier.
Satisfaction- various kind
Had 35 children at my story telling session yesterday. Great fun! Gee never know I am quite good at slapsticks. So joyful when the while room resounds with happy, heartfelt, shrieking laughter. Felt good after that. Doesn't take much to be happy does it.
I have often said when I was working, that work achievement (eg.when a big project is completed) brought a lot of satisfaction. The sense of accomplishment, the sense of pride, confidence and the gush of "Hey ain't I great" feeling rushed up and you felt like you were on cloud nine. Used to be in Melbourne, it really felt good the day after the financial close and the signing ceremony. Instead of getting up late I would go to Victoria Market early in the morning to buy snacks etc to bring home. I felt as if I was walking on air, feeling very "lia bu qi".
It is yet another feeling when you make children happy. I had a bit of success with a young teenager. Got him to finally engage his mother for a heart to heart talk and resolve some inter-personal issues. At our last session before the school holidays, his visible good mood affected me. That day I walked around town not on cloud nine. I don't know why but I had this very earthly feeling. How do I put it? It is a contentment of a very different nature, not elated or shouting out for joy kind. I walked very slowly (not floating) and every step I took I felt a connection to the world (Don't laugh), a quiet peace within me, if you may.
Yesterday's story telling session was yet a different experience. Simply put you just have a heartfelt laughter every time you recall their childish joy and laughter.
I have often said when I was working, that work achievement (eg.when a big project is completed) brought a lot of satisfaction. The sense of accomplishment, the sense of pride, confidence and the gush of "Hey ain't I great" feeling rushed up and you felt like you were on cloud nine. Used to be in Melbourne, it really felt good the day after the financial close and the signing ceremony. Instead of getting up late I would go to Victoria Market early in the morning to buy snacks etc to bring home. I felt as if I was walking on air, feeling very "lia bu qi".
It is yet another feeling when you make children happy. I had a bit of success with a young teenager. Got him to finally engage his mother for a heart to heart talk and resolve some inter-personal issues. At our last session before the school holidays, his visible good mood affected me. That day I walked around town not on cloud nine. I don't know why but I had this very earthly feeling. How do I put it? It is a contentment of a very different nature, not elated or shouting out for joy kind. I walked very slowly (not floating) and every step I took I felt a connection to the world (Don't laugh), a quiet peace within me, if you may.
Yesterday's story telling session was yet a different experience. Simply put you just have a heartfelt laughter every time you recall their childish joy and laughter.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
A mother's anxieties
Often I feel helpless as a mother to console my own children when they are feeling lousy. There is a vast difference between sympathy and empathy.
Sympathy is really feeling sorry for the person. Being overly involved and affected cripples one's ability to help. The immediate response tends to be a rush for a solution to stop the hurt or solve the problem. Hence a lot of inappropriate advice may be showered.
Empathy is being aware of the issues and understanding how the helpee is feeling. Very often, they just need to be heard and be understood. That could be therapeutic in itself. When they have some blind spots, irrational thinking or unrealistic expectations, gentle challenges would then be appropriate.
However when the helpee is your own child, it is not so easy. One tends to be overly affected and then as usual the flight for safety behaviour surfaces and assessment of the situation is clouded etc etc.
Sigh. I often forget that I have my own share of strivings in my childhood, growing up, working,caring for the family and drifting into middle age.How then can I not expect that my children will go through these phases, the ups and downs. How unrealistic for me to want a smooth and trouble free existence for them.
Ah.... a mother's anxieties. There is something I hope to achieve, to shake off this persistent anxiety. A struggle, but will keep trying and learning.
Ironically, whilst posting this and feeling a bit moody, I tune on to a playlist comprising my favourites which was recorded by my daughter and stored in "itune" for me. It is now playing "Smile" by Nat King Cole.
"Smile, though your heart is aching....
When they are clouds in the sky, you'll get by"
You learn from the children, so much!
Sympathy is really feeling sorry for the person. Being overly involved and affected cripples one's ability to help. The immediate response tends to be a rush for a solution to stop the hurt or solve the problem. Hence a lot of inappropriate advice may be showered.
Empathy is being aware of the issues and understanding how the helpee is feeling. Very often, they just need to be heard and be understood. That could be therapeutic in itself. When they have some blind spots, irrational thinking or unrealistic expectations, gentle challenges would then be appropriate.
However when the helpee is your own child, it is not so easy. One tends to be overly affected and then as usual the flight for safety behaviour surfaces and assessment of the situation is clouded etc etc.
Sigh. I often forget that I have my own share of strivings in my childhood, growing up, working,caring for the family and drifting into middle age.How then can I not expect that my children will go through these phases, the ups and downs. How unrealistic for me to want a smooth and trouble free existence for them.
Ah.... a mother's anxieties. There is something I hope to achieve, to shake off this persistent anxiety. A struggle, but will keep trying and learning.
Ironically, whilst posting this and feeling a bit moody, I tune on to a playlist comprising my favourites which was recorded by my daughter and stored in "itune" for me. It is now playing "Smile" by Nat King Cole.
"Smile, though your heart is aching....
When they are clouds in the sky, you'll get by"
You learn from the children, so much!
Friday, November 9, 2007
Intense feelings -savour it
It is common for adolescents and teenagers to feel extremes of emotions. My lecturer calls it "awfulizing" and "I-can't-stand-ititus" (itus as in tonsilitus, an illness).
Awfulizing is exaggerating the negative consequence of a situation to an extreme degree.
I-can't-stand-ititus is low fustration tolerance, hence you often hear them comment on how they can't stand the teachers for example.
In addition wishes or preferences become demands and needs.
We have gone through this phase but most likely have forgotten our feelings then. Out of curiosity I dug out my diaries of 3 decades ago. My my, was I a moody teenager. I hated hypocrisy in people to the extremes. If my teenage self were to judge my present self now, the young me would have squirmed. Sigh! but that's the real world isn't it? How to reveal your true feelings all the time? Maybe the adults call it EQ and not hypocrisy.
But then again I wish I can regain a bit of that intensity now. So if your kids display these traits, tell them to savour it, hahaha
Awfulizing is exaggerating the negative consequence of a situation to an extreme degree.
I-can't-stand-ititus is low fustration tolerance, hence you often hear them comment on how they can't stand the teachers for example.
In addition wishes or preferences become demands and needs.
We have gone through this phase but most likely have forgotten our feelings then. Out of curiosity I dug out my diaries of 3 decades ago. My my, was I a moody teenager. I hated hypocrisy in people to the extremes. If my teenage self were to judge my present self now, the young me would have squirmed. Sigh! but that's the real world isn't it? How to reveal your true feelings all the time? Maybe the adults call it EQ and not hypocrisy.
But then again I wish I can regain a bit of that intensity now. So if your kids display these traits, tell them to savour it, hahaha
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Empathic responding
Ok when I come across useful things when pursuing my counselling course I would like to share with my friends.
I learnt about this Carkhuff rating scale that measures the empathy of responses rendered, when listening to someone describes an event which affects them. The higher the rating the deeper the empathy.
For example if a girl laments:
"Mum and dad are just too strict. I'm nearly 17, and I'm not allowed to go out at night, not even with girlfriends. My friends at school all go out and I can't understand why I'm not allowed to"
A 1.0 response eg: "Don't be like that. Your parents know what is best for you" diminishes her problem and will certainly stop the girl from talking further as she feels misunderstood. Self disclosure like "I was also controlled by my parents when I was a teenager" is also unrelated to her feelings and is rated 1.0.
A 1.5 response which gives advice too early eg. "why don't you have a heart to heart talk with your parents" is too quick without trying to understand the issue and doesn't convey empathy.
A 2.0 response just restates the content without describing her feelings, eg "oh so your parents are quite strict with you"
A 2.5 response empathises her feelings, eg. " So you are furious with your parents" . This remark will draw out more content from her and she will either affirm or clarify her real feelings.
A 3.0 response empathises her feelings and describes the content as well, eg. "So you feel furious because your parents controls your movement excessively" If an accuracy of feeling and content is achieved the girl will feel understood and will go on elaborating.
Responses that include a feeling are rated higher as acknowledging an emotion encourages the helpee to further explore her issues.
I often find myself giving 1.0 and 1.5 responses to my children. No wonder they sometimes stop short and refuse to talk further.
Hope above is useful, haha
I learnt about this Carkhuff rating scale that measures the empathy of responses rendered, when listening to someone describes an event which affects them. The higher the rating the deeper the empathy.
For example if a girl laments:
"Mum and dad are just too strict. I'm nearly 17, and I'm not allowed to go out at night, not even with girlfriends. My friends at school all go out and I can't understand why I'm not allowed to"
A 1.0 response eg: "Don't be like that. Your parents know what is best for you" diminishes her problem and will certainly stop the girl from talking further as she feels misunderstood. Self disclosure like "I was also controlled by my parents when I was a teenager" is also unrelated to her feelings and is rated 1.0.
A 1.5 response which gives advice too early eg. "why don't you have a heart to heart talk with your parents" is too quick without trying to understand the issue and doesn't convey empathy.
A 2.0 response just restates the content without describing her feelings, eg "oh so your parents are quite strict with you"
A 2.5 response empathises her feelings, eg. " So you are furious with your parents" . This remark will draw out more content from her and she will either affirm or clarify her real feelings.
A 3.0 response empathises her feelings and describes the content as well, eg. "So you feel furious because your parents controls your movement excessively" If an accuracy of feeling and content is achieved the girl will feel understood and will go on elaborating.
Responses that include a feeling are rated higher as acknowledging an emotion encourages the helpee to further explore her issues.
I often find myself giving 1.0 and 1.5 responses to my children. No wonder they sometimes stop short and refuse to talk further.
Hope above is useful, haha
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Oh just say housewife lah!
Yea just in case you walk away thinking I am on top of the world everyday (after reading the last post). First of all you may face an identity crisis when you are not holding a job.
See when you need to state your occupation, it has to be either housewife or retiree. I once put "investor". The guy processing the form asked me to fill in company name. "err...but i invest my own money" "Oh do you mind if I put it as housewife" I said ok but I muttered I don't spend much time keeping house.
It does not help with all the recent government propaganda suggesting it is better to die on the job than die bankrupt and tortured with dementia (if one retires too early i.e.). Gosh so sad, used to be in the seventies and eighties our ex colleagues retired at 55 gracefully and happily. Now you feel guilty and unsure if you don't stick to the statutory retirement age of 62 (or is it 67? lost count , keeps moving)
Yea and then there is media flooding about how medical cost can wipe out everything bla bla bla. So drab, can't even let people enjoy their last fruitful years. But of course medical insurance is a must lah.
SO, one way to avoid all these duress is to see whether a second career is possible, hopefully something you really enjoy doing.
See when you need to state your occupation, it has to be either housewife or retiree. I once put "investor". The guy processing the form asked me to fill in company name. "err...but i invest my own money" "Oh do you mind if I put it as housewife" I said ok but I muttered I don't spend much time keeping house.
It does not help with all the recent government propaganda suggesting it is better to die on the job than die bankrupt and tortured with dementia (if one retires too early i.e.). Gosh so sad, used to be in the seventies and eighties our ex colleagues retired at 55 gracefully and happily. Now you feel guilty and unsure if you don't stick to the statutory retirement age of 62 (or is it 67? lost count , keeps moving)
Yea and then there is media flooding about how medical cost can wipe out everything bla bla bla. So drab, can't even let people enjoy their last fruitful years. But of course medical insurance is a must lah.
SO, one way to avoid all these duress is to see whether a second career is possible, hopefully something you really enjoy doing.
Doing Crazy things?
Ok doing lots of "crazy" stuff like storytelling at NLB. Fortunately parents are not allowed in the room. Never believe I can unashamedly act out the characters of an elf, a wicked step mother, a giant etc. You will probably feel embarrassed for me, haha. But believe me it's really fun!
Other than that, have been volunteering at a school assisting them to run a program to counsel kids causing trouble in class. Also helped to follow up for some of the school counsellor's cases.
Found myself lacking in skills, hence am now pursuing a Master course in Counselling (Australian U)
Had such a wonderful time in class. Both fellow students and lecturers are such warm and great people. First time in my life that I readily read the prescribed reading material when attending a course.
But of course life is not always that rosy. Occasionally very moody. Will elaborate in next post.
Cheers!
Other than that, have been volunteering at a school assisting them to run a program to counsel kids causing trouble in class. Also helped to follow up for some of the school counsellor's cases.
Found myself lacking in skills, hence am now pursuing a Master course in Counselling (Australian U)
Had such a wonderful time in class. Both fellow students and lecturers are such warm and great people. First time in my life that I readily read the prescribed reading material when attending a course.
But of course life is not always that rosy. Occasionally very moody. Will elaborate in next post.
Cheers!
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
What now?
Too many have asked these questions:
1) Are you rejoining the corporate world
2) What did you do last 6 months?
3) You have taken a good break, what now?
Honestly early retirement must be considered carefully. If you do not establish some form of routine activities or have some hobby you are passionate about, you may feel aimless, lifeless and purposeless.
Now that does not mean my answer to Q1 above is "yes". Honestly, other than the money and the light moments socialising with colleagues and business associates, I Do Not Miss the Corporate scene.
OK answers to the next 2 questions will follow. Cheers :)
1) Are you rejoining the corporate world
2) What did you do last 6 months?
3) You have taken a good break, what now?
Honestly early retirement must be considered carefully. If you do not establish some form of routine activities or have some hobby you are passionate about, you may feel aimless, lifeless and purposeless.
Now that does not mean my answer to Q1 above is "yes". Honestly, other than the money and the light moments socialising with colleagues and business associates, I Do Not Miss the Corporate scene.
OK answers to the next 2 questions will follow. Cheers :)
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