Sadness (contd)

More extracts from the book "The Emotional Toolkit"

The internal questioning phase will involve deep probing. But before that you must learn to relax. Sink yourself into a chair and breathe deeply. With each breath out imagine your body sinking heavier and heavier into the chair, until you feel like your body is hanging like a shirt on a hanger, and your body is heavy and limb. Continue breathing and free your mind from distractions.

Ask yourself what you are feeling and wait for your body to respond. If the feeling is accurate you may feel a slight sense of relaxation. If not try asking yourself how else are you feeling. Usually when you get the right feeling your body will relax or you may cry. Once the feeling is identified continue probing what is the underlying core issue, what are you afraid of losing. You will know that the internal questioning process is complete when you feel a sense of closure, signalling you have figured out what you need to know for the moment.

A bit about Negative Self Talk

Negative self talk is related to habit, schema or temperament.

Negative self talk can be a habit. This happens when for eg. an unfavourable comment passed on you is internalised and reinforced over time. You then develop an automatic response and self talk. Ask yourself whether the negative things you describe yourself are facts or just what you have always said to yourself.

Unsupportive schema began when you make assumptions based on your experiences. For eg if a child from a broken family believed from young she was responsible for her parents’ divorce, she may carry a schema that she is flawed and unlovable and that relationships never last and perhaps that life is unpredictable and unsafe.

Lastly the inherent temperament of a person also contributes to his/her worrying nature for example. Knowing one’s temperament allows oneself more time to feel comfortable with new experiences.



Positive Self Talk
Say more positive things to yourself, for eg.
“I’ll just take it slowly” or “I know I can do this"

Self talk is a function of habit. Find your own supportive statement, i.e. one that is natural to you, for eg.
i) “in the end, most things will work out the way they should”
ii) “ I can handle most things”
iii) “even if I make mistakes I’m still ok”
iv) “ the worst that can happen is…..so what?”


Other useful mind tools include:

Emotional writing ( express it in paper-a few sentences at the end of the day)
Connection ("Throughout history people have used connections with small groups, with family and kinsfolk, with peers and the like-minded, to give themselves anchorage in stormy, shifting seas"- Alfred Katz, UCLA professor emeritus)