Contradictions

The last day of the year and decade calls for some reflections of course.

Seems to me that the world around me is polarised and forces seem to be pulling from opposite directions. Perhaps this has affected me and I constantly wonder which side to follow. The following are some contradictions which tug at me :

-The ''OK Boomer" inter generational divide has caused me to vacillate over values like family & marriage, jobs and careers. The millennia generation's love for individualism has given rise to low birth rates.  While I feel that children bring joy and generate growth/continuity I also despair over how the human race destroys other life species. With respect to job security, while I support my adult children to pursue a career that aligns with their interest, I also fear their disregard for money and status is pure idealism. I secretly miss the bragging rights of an Asian parent's standard measure of an adult child''s success . On the other hand I silently pray hard for my children to achieve their own sense of fulfillment in life.

-When watching a footage on the Sydney forest fire, a scorched koala squeaking in pain wrenched my heart. In another instance I am engrossed with a magazine recommending exotic travel destinations. How can I enjoy travel without guilt ever again ? Travel is one of the few things that I really enjoy but I also despair over the recent reported catastrophic consequences of global warming.

-I listen in silence when my fitness classmates rant about ungrateful Singaporeans voting for the opposition party even though our government has done such a good job in meeting our needs. I agree with them and ask myself whether I am a prodigal daughter. Yet I fear that a one party government with group think can not last for long. I also particularly hate the authority's bullying behaviour of the opposition parties, suppression of slightest critique or disagreement and the lack of objectivity of our state press.

- I am thankful for the blessings that living in this country bestows. Yet the mainstream silos and the narrow definition of success and happiness saddens me. I frown at the Ah Liens and Ah Bengs' shallow obsessions. Yet I constantly wonder how simple routines make my illiterate mother-in-law such a happy and contented woman. I indulge in occasional profound contemplation but at the same time realise it can be a slippery slope that leads to nowhere. Perhaps the greatest profundity lies in my mother-in-law's living simply in the moment.

In short, over the years I have often found myself feeling contradictory. However I do have something to be elated about. I discover I am declared "young" again even as I feel the ache in my bones. Those between 65 and 75 are now known as YOLD, the young-old. What a delightful contradiction!

Purpose in non-work

Jack Ma says his grandfather worked 16 hours a day, he and his father work 8 hours and he foresees his children and their offspring working 3 hours a day.

Yes,with technology and AI jobs will be displaced and people will be freed of unproductive processes. People of the future will have much more time for leisure, creativity and family/social engagement.

Numerous questions pop up in my mind:

1. Is that necessarily true? As it appears now, with internet and faster connectivity people 's private life seems to have merged with their working life resulting in longer working hours.

2.  On the other hand if it is true, how do people spend their non working hours? Work provides structure , will people be at a loss with less work? Will more people indulge in addictive habits like online gaming?

3. Will the identity linked to work be redefined? For many, work has always been the purpose of living. With so little time spent on work do people now need to find new attachments of self identity?

This is quite an interesting topic for me. As a retiree I too occasionally have this sense of loss. This subject also ties in with my discussion in a previous blog dated 8 Dec on David Loy's concept of "Sense of Lack".

Many have romanticized a life with more leisure time where people engaged in creative, social and community activities. For retirees like me we can already live out their dreams . We can indulge in art and writing, volunteer in the community, continue learning, travel and try new things, indulge in our hobbies like gardening, play with our pets or simply engage in anything that makes us come alive.

Only when we feel alive, there is less need for the search of identity and purpose; and the sense of lack probably less felt.

Caught unprepared- questions on sexuality

During the last session at the Children's Home, I was caught unprepared when a few girls in their early teens asked me questions about sex. It all began when they were laughing and teasing around when they discovered that the toy baby boy has full body anatomy including private parts.

I normalize their curiosity and then discussed what they have learnt in school about human biology and sex. They have learnt about sexual organs from Science lessons but actual sex education is taught only in Secondary 3. Despite that it is clear that they know quite a fair bit already from social media etc.

Then they popped the questions. "Is it really nice?", "Do you like it?", "Does it hurt?"

My response to the first question was "Yes if you truly love the person"

My response to the second question was "It's ok lah" to which one of the girls remarked "You don't love your husband huh?". When I asked why she thought so she said I didn't sound very excited. Were they expecting a jubilant "YESSSSS" reply, I wondered.

As for the third question I was contemplating a technical answer but decided to repeat the first response as a motherhood answer.

Since they were on this topic I thought perhaps I should shared a bit about the risk of unwanted pregnancy. They seemed to be aware of that quoting incidents they know. I then considered  educating them a bit about how boys may put pressure on their girl friends to have a sexual relationship.

One of the girls then remarked that couples should only have sex after marriage. I then thought I should also discourage them from marrying too young and having children too early.

Just when I said "You should only consider having babies when you are working and can provide for your baby" I suddenly recalled all these kids are from either single parents or dysfunctional families. I was dumb founded and did not elaborate further because I could jolly well be talking about their mothers not being able to look after them. It also dawned on me I am ignorant of how their religion approach the subject of sex education, marriage and procreation.

This encounter however was a reminder that I lack the knowledge of what constitutes a healthy discussion with teenagers on sex and also in the context of their culture. Have I forgotten that in counselling I must be careful not to use my own personal criteria and should be aware of the cultural background of the client?

Certainly I need to do more research and be more prepared for such discussions.

Einstein's quote revisited

I have always been very intrigued with Einstein quote on our illusion of a separate self. First I must regurgitate the quote again, though a different translated version:

" A human being is a spatially and temporarily limited piece of the whole, what we call the "Universe". He experiences himself and his feelings as separate from the rest, an optical illusion of his consciousness. The quest for liberation from this bondage is the only object of true religion. Not nurturing the illusion but only overcoming it gives us the attainable measure of inner peace".

Listening to podcast of a talk at the Cambridge Insight Meditation Centre by David Loy, (Zen scholar, author and professor), I could draw parallels.

David touched on the perception of duality, an illusion of a separate self due to our social construct. As it is an illusion, we always have a sense of lack ie. we don't feel 'real'. Like the front and back of our palm, we have both a sense of self and a sense of lack.

We feel alone, weak, insecure, anxious and void. In a sense it is like an existential crisis. Hence we try to fill our lives with things that may help to make us feel more 'real". We strive for assets, status and relationship with the hope that we can feel more secure.

Einstein spoke of overcoming this illusion of a separate self  as "an object of true religion" to attain inner peace. Christianity's focus on reuniting with God through Christ is probably what Einstein has in mind, likewise Buddhist teachings on non-self and awakening to the Buddha nature within. Both  point towards reuniting with the greater whole or God.

The following quote by Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj best expresses Einstein's advice on the 'liberation from the bondage' of this illusion:

"When I look inside and see that I am nothing, that is wisdom. When I look outside and see that I am everything, that is love. And between these two, my life flows."

Enjoying your own performance

Went to watch the performance by US-based standup comic artist Ronny Chieng at the Esplanade with my daughter. Perhaps 90% of the audience were young people. Ronny made fun of stereotypes in various cities, of different culture, political orientation and generation. He draws rolling laughter from his enactment of typical familiar behaviour. The everyday situations acted out, the tone and language used is so authentically funny.

When he made fun of Asian parents and baby boomers, I felt the whole audience laughing at me because I was surrounded by millennials. His joke on baby boomers' obsession with WhatsApp was hilarious though. He lamented baby boomers' general inability to decipher fake versus true news and how annoyed he was with an uncle who constantly whatsapps fake news in the family chat group. He mocked the Chinese's love for money and Asian parents' stereotype expectation of their children. Needless to say his imitation of Trump and digs at white supremacy were equally entertaining.

However Ronny's show was really a lot of ranting and mocked frustrations accompanied by some slapstick kicks. It makes me wonder whether he himself is tickled or amused when he is performing. I asked this question because earlier on the same day when I watched the show I conducted a story telling session at the library. I told a very funny story. It could be the pictures in the book were really cute and funny or maybe the children's hearty laughter was so infectious, I found myself spontaneously laughing along with them as I told the story. It was really enjoyable for both the story teller and the audience.

According to the psychologist Peter McGraw comedy is  "equal parts darkness and light" and the best jokes "take something awful and make it silly". I think the standup comedians are very good at this. They have to master the art of playful ridicule without making people feel uncomfortable.

As for me as long as I laugh loudly while reviewing a book for story telling purpose, I know I will enjoy my own performance.

World in turmoil

Reading the newspaper these days can be quite overwhelming. Some days I hear myself sighing while turning every other page.

Raging forest fires, floods and landslides, poor harvest and extreme weather brought about by global warming sets my mind thinking about eventual apocalypse. The Syrian crisis and the plight of  refugees and illegal immigrants can be heart wrenching. Polarization in more and more aspects; political, religion, gender, racial, culture, class and increasingly inter-generation makes you feel that  everywhere one half of the people finds it impossible to comprehend and tolerate the other half. Statistics about mental illnesses on the rise especially among young people and prevalence of substance abuse challenges the definition of progress. The increasing number of animals facing extinction questions the rights the human specie has over others.

Of course there are news that makes me laugh like the cartoon on Trump's impeachment and reports on his brash dramatic rhetoric. A snigger or 2 lets out when I sense the bias and lack of objectivity in our local press. At most these news just draw light hearted cynicism. The truth is it is rare to find news that makes you feel happy or hopeful other than perhaps medical breakthroughs, for even AI and new innovations may not really promise a better life and may exacerbate greater social inequality. To top it all we must now decipher which is fake and true news.

In short reading the news makes you feel as if the world is in turmoil.

Currently I am watching a historical drama 楚汉传奇 about the final years of the Qin dynasty in 200BC China. The TV serial is very detailed in bringing out the calamity and tribulation faced by people in that era. The English subtitles repeatedly used the phrase "country in turmoil" as described by the characters of the show.

Such then is the world from time in memorial. For generations during certain time pockets people have felt as if the world is in turmoil. Our era is certainly no exception. If for generations people have lived through them so will we. The important thing is to maintain an internal balance in observing the turmoil. 于诸 境上，心不染

Opportunity to heal

My fitness class instructor does not like me. It is plain for all to see, though my classmates tell me to just ignore his nonsense.  I have very low co-ordination and observation skills and thus have difficulty following his movements. It also does not help that I can't follow the pace as well.

He exhibits either avoidance by passing over my spot or when he really can't take it comes over and exaggerates the correct steps before my very eyes. Today he came over and threw his arms and feet about in a frenzy way telling the class this was how I look. He then preached about control of body movement to the class. Though I laughed along I felt sore and was peeved inside. My daughter does not understand why I put up with such a instructor who seems frustrated in training seniors.

I questioned myself why I felt upset . Nobody in my class was amused in an impolite way. I drew parallel to my childhood experiences in a renowned primary school where many rich people sent their daughters. Those days a class teacher taught almost all the subjects other than art and physical education which meant if you were not in the teacher's good books you suffered for at least a year. Being neither clever nor rich in class when I was in primary 5, I belonged to the lowest caste in the eyes of my class teacher who was often showered with home baked cakes and puddings by parents. I was either ignored or made an example of for any inadequacy. There was an incident where my foolish answer to a question generated such incredulity that she roared and writhed in prolonged 'wicked' laughter with the whole class as a chorus. That incident tops the list of dreaded ridicule I have ever suffered in my life or at least in my memory. As in any conditions there are causes and effects. The good effect on me is that I refrain from ridiculing any one intentionally to cause shame or embarrassment. The bad effect is a heightened sensitivity to shame and ridicule so much so that I loathe to be the odd one out in any circumstances, in a deemed negative way ie. not in accordance with social norm or approval.

To process this childhood imprint I must take this opportunity offered by my fitness instructor 5 decades after that childhood insult. Looking back at this morning's incident I find it rather amusing and how ridiculous my reaction was. If after the hurt I can laugh at the superficiality of it all, I should be able to erase the imprint of my childhood and be a character unmoved by silly perceptions of others. After more than half a century it is time to heal.