Be Kind to Our Self

It suddenly dawns on me when I was practising Taiji last Sunday morning. ( Although I am supposed to be concentraing on movements and being present, I somehow get "aha" moments whilst doing taiji). I have read much literature about projection but didn't really reflect upon it, especially with regards to myself. Pyschological projections basically is a subconscious denial or suppression of one's feelings, thoughts or desires, which is then projected onto another person or subject.

It dawns on me that my discontent with certain things and certain people actually originate from the disappointment I harbour with MY OWN SELF. For instance, deep inside me I realise I do not have the attributes of a successful senior executive in the corporate world. However I can't accept this reality. Hence I direct my resentment onto say my husband. That explains why I usually get irritated whenever he mentions he is not keen to be promoted. Similarly my disgust with my own sloth and untidiness is suppressed and catapaulted onto my husband. This results in my endless fault finding with the things he hoards. Yes, the one who is most closed to you is usually the target.

Having found out the root of these negative feelings, we must be more empathic and forgiving towards our own Self. In other words be kind to our Self.

Power of Metaphors & Stories

When you want a child to remember something, it is best to use an analogy, metaphor or story. From my observation these tend to leave an impression especially if vividly used. Just using plain advice will likely be lost on them. They are unlikely to be really listening after a couple of minutes; and they usually find adults boring and "po po ma ma" ( naggy like granny and mummy).

I picked up a tip from a book that suggests drawing a brick wall to describe a strained relationship between 2 persons. The child can then be asked to identify the bricks that made up the wall, ie. the factors that contribute to the friction. Using the same idea, I let my students use play dough to build the wall and describe each brick that adds to the height. It is quite compelling especially when the bricks pile so high that it completely separates the 2 little toy figures (who represent the strained parties) on each side of the wall. The child is then asked what action is needed to remove each "brick" if he wants to break down the wall.

This metaphor seems to stay in the mind of at least 2 students of mine. Weeks after the "brick wall" session, one student surprised me with the comment, "the wall has cracked but some bricks still remain". Another student told me he has difficulty removing a certain brick.

Recognising the power of metaphors, there is this Australian guy who developed a set of cards using the analogy of parts of a car to represent aspects of our life. So for instance the engine represents our basic needs, the steering wheel steers the direction, the 2 front wheels represent the thinking and the actions which impact the back wheels which are the feelings and the body sensations, etc, etc. Some students especially boys who are interested in cars warm up to these analogies.

Likewise stories are powerful tools to share values too. In my story telling sessions at the Library, some children come and go. I have however been approached a couple of times by children who come to me and say. "I remember you, you told the story about da da da....." Sometimes due to my poor memory I failed to recollect but would just ride along. For myself, I can still remeber some Chinese stories/legends with moral teachings. Unfortunately some Moral Education classes in school have been hijacked to give more time for CORE subjects.

That Stupid Spider

I am a procastinator in an all rounded way, at least that is how I feel this morning whilst practising Taiji (again not concentrating of course). I was going through my head what needs to be done or could be done at home. First there is the remaining counselling case notes to complete which should take about an hour or more. Then the rest of the day should be pretty free to do one of the following:

1) Review investment portfolio which has been ignored out of pure laziness and an increasing disinteredness (even though I am constantly attacked by pangs of jealousy and envy when reading the "INVEST" pages on Sunday Times about people who multiply their capital). I remember I once preached that it is wrong to leave money idle but somehow become a victim of procastination.

2) Catch up with friends and relatives. In the morning I would be determined to call or send out some emails only to tell myself at the end of the day there is always the next day to do that.

3) File away chunks of mail and papers that pile up, in a quest to make my house look neat and beautiful (like those elegant clean cut look in show houses); or for that matter clear the dried leaves and plants which my husband is too exhausted to do so after a hard day's work.

4) Look for a supervisor to guide me in my counselling work. I have "dismissed" my previous supervisor with the excuse that "I can probably do better". Meanwhile I have yet to connect with my fellow counsellor friends to get a good reference.

5) Research into areas of interest and personal development which includes child behaviour and psychology, good recipes, places which I am likely to travel to this year.

6) Catch up with my reading and improve my Chinese

AND HOST OF OTHER THINGS THAT NEED TO BE DONE which make me feel guilty for not doing.

OK what did I end up DOING? After taiji, I read the papers, played with the cat, did my case notes, played computer game, prepared a light lunch, took my afternoon nap and shared my thoughts on procastination in my blog....

Soon, for that one or two hour window before I go out for my swim and dinner, I am almost certain the unresolved Spider Solitare Game will beat my guilt hollow. You see once in a blue moon my wayward fingers will click on the stupid spider icon and when I fail to game, I resolve to beat the system. Yes this is despite having found out through googling that some games out of random can not be won. I have never not won and I want to maintain that record. SIGH....hopefully I will find a way to come back to my senses. Haha maybe then I can share with my students how to walk away from a computer game!

Products of meritocracy

Fiona Chan in her article dated 4 April entitled "High price of peer pressure" commented about the constant need amongst her peers to compare to ensure they are on the right track, having been "born and bred on a diet of meritocracy". They use wealth and status as markers for success. In yet another article by Sandra Leong "Scoring high in grades but not in values" dated 3 April, Sandra discussed the close circle of her elite friends and related how many of her schoolmates (from RGS and RJC) would never date a man without a respectable job.

Our school system, based on meritocracy has also churned out many bright students who further their education in top universities abroad. I know of many amongst them who prefer not to return to Singapore if given a choice. Having experienced a more robust and fulfilling lifestyle that embraces learning, discovering and experiencing, they fear returning to a competitive and narrow existence back home. Some are afraid to be sucked up again by the machinery that prescribes a stifling mode of living as the symbol of success. In some sense it is an irony that the competitive culture which propels our young to excel is also a factor that drives many bright ones away.

The Perfect SILO

This morning my Taiji classmate again lamented about his son's reluctance to settle down despite having a girl friend. I have been hearing her concerns for more than 5 years now, ie. since the "young" man was in his late twenties. He is afraid of the commitment to settle down and raise children. Apparently she advised him to "just produce and the children will grow up on their own". I told her that I have known enough of dysfunctional families to know that was poor advice. However it may work if she takes over the parental role. Given that she is already tearing her hair out running her own company, I am pessimistic she can assume that responsibility. I can see her worry especially when she compares herself with the standards of a perfect family in Singapore, ie. children grow up, graduate, earn big bucks, marry, have kids, with the mill grinding mindlessly and hopefully faultless day after day. I call this the PERFECT SILO (ie. the silo that holds the best grains).

I also wonder about the root of this desire especially amongst Asian parents to see their children settle down and start a family. It can not be based on the age old concept of continuing the family surname right? For God's sake there is enough of Tans, Ngs and Lims to do the job. I doubt it is the desire to ensure the lineage of one's genes with all its shortcomings either. Perhaps it could arise from the fear of loneliness at old age. However given globalisation, one can never expect the children to be residing nearby. It then falls back to the belief that having a family is the best bet for a stable and fulfilling life for the adult children. WHY SO? Because for people like us, we have been living our lives "for" our children. The childen gives meaning to why we are erking out a living, "we are doing this and that for them" and we conclude it is worth it because of some joy that comes with it.

BUT then again have we actually explored other paths or just followed the instincts of our parents and their forefathers. Perhaps it is precisely this unthinking well trodden path which some young people fear and are now trying to break away from. They may want to discover the real LIFE apart from the biologically driven propagation of species. Maybe they have a love or passion for a cause, maybe they need to see the world and its varied faces and cultures, maybe they need to deepen their knowledge in a particular subject, or maybe they just want to discover "living" without using children as a means to this end.

Perhaps instead of bemoaning that the children are not following the procreational footsteps, parents can derive some insight from their grown children who need this personal freedom. They may get a tip or 2 on how to grow themselves and perhaps a second spring may dawn in their colourless life.

I wish I know more Chinese

In preparation for a meeting with a parent who does not speak English, I am looking up a Chinese dictionary for words like anxiety, criticise, sacarsm , emotions, parenting etc etc. Sigh! The need to know Chinese is never so intensely felt since the days when I was in the Company choir, and was forced to learn the Chinese lyrics by heart. Whenever a parent requests for me to speak Chinese over the phone, I will apologetically say " Wo jin niang, hor " (I will try my best OK?)

My biggest achievement in Chinese conversation is perhaps the time when I had to counsel an emotionally abused lady client during my internship with the Family Service Centre. Although she wrote in her particulars that she is bi-lingual she was not comfortable speaking English and requested that I spoke Chinese as much as possible. Again I said "wo jin liang" but "li yao bang wo" (you must help me). She is 2 years younger than me. Indeed it turned out that she not only helped me to improve my Chinese, she actually helped to counsel herself. Why? Because I would start a sentence and got stuck and she would finish it for me hahaha. It worked especially when I helped her to reframe her thinking or see the blind spot. So when she completed the sentence and hit the nail, I would exclaim in delight that she could see the situation objectively herself. BINGO!

However this coming meeting won't be so smooth going and I doubt my luck. This time round the meeting is with a strict disciplinary father who expects too much from his kid. His divorced wife has requested that I have a "chat" with him. Hmm...I guess I better add to my Chinese vocab some calming and soothing phrases as well. However, if he goes overboard and makes me really angry I hope I won't mutter an expletive which I already learnt long ago.

Quest to Look Good

As usual with any package tour to China, factory visits are inevitable inclusive of the state recognised clnic/medical hall. At one such visit during our tour to JiuZhaiGou is a compulsory trip to a factory outlet selling stones and crystals. Whilst waiting for the group to pour over the pendants, rings and other accessories, a pair of Cat's Eye ear ring caught my eyes and I asked to try them on. A round mirror was promptly placed before my face by the eager sales-lady. The beautiful yellow "eyes" that made the bluish grey stones sparkled and which looked so exquisite in the white padded holder, was a shame against my lack lustred side profile and wrinkled neck. Without a second thought I thanked the lady and moved on.
Similarly another brilliant ring seemed pitiful on my fingers and scaly hand. My husband whispered "not nice meh?" whilst perhaps trying to hide his relief. "Nothing is nice on me now," I retorted. I also wondered why other elderly ladies want to draw people's attention to their less than beautiful neck or hands. In recent times I have occasionally felt dismayed how lovely clothing and accessories no longer can adorn me.

In our culture where not being able to keep a youthful appearance is considered almost a personal failure, one has to learn to accept the process of aging and doubly so if you don't possess the youthful genes. I read Lee Wei Ling's article about being a reluctant dresser and that comfort and cost are her main considerations. She is not bothered with looking good whether to herself or to others. Although I share her sentiments about the incomprehensible rationale of someone spending half their monthly salary on a piece of clothing, I (unlike her) wish to look good at least to myself. However instead of pursuing the impossible desire to look glamorous, I have now adopted a second measure of looking good. I observe that I look good in the pictures I took at JZG where rosy cheeks, bright eyes and light spiritedness bring out the radiance in me. Yes, my standard now for looking good as I matured is to look alive!

So instead of buying stones and silk cheongsam, my husband and I spent almost the same amount we paid for the tour package on cordyceps (hahaha); in the hope we will be healthy, radiant and will look good for a longer time.