The Perfect SILO

This morning my Taiji classmate again lamented about his son's reluctance to settle down despite having a girl friend. I have been hearing her concerns for more than 5 years now, ie. since the "young" man was in his late twenties. He is afraid of the commitment to settle down and raise children. Apparently she advised him to "just produce and the children will grow up on their own". I told her that I have known enough of dysfunctional families to know that was poor advice. However it may work if she takes over the parental role. Given that she is already tearing her hair out running her own company, I am pessimistic she can assume that responsibility. I can see her worry especially when she compares herself with the standards of a perfect family in Singapore, ie. children grow up, graduate, earn big bucks, marry, have kids, with the mill grinding mindlessly and hopefully faultless day after day. I call this the PERFECT SILO (ie. the silo that holds the best grains).

I also wonder about the root of this desire especially amongst Asian parents to see their children settle down and start a family. It can not be based on the age old concept of continuing the family surname right? For God's sake there is enough of Tans, Ngs and Lims to do the job. I doubt it is the desire to ensure the lineage of one's genes with all its shortcomings either. Perhaps it could arise from the fear of loneliness at old age. However given globalisation, one can never expect the children to be residing nearby. It then falls back to the belief that having a family is the best bet for a stable and fulfilling life for the adult children. WHY SO? Because for people like us, we have been living our lives "for" our children. The childen gives meaning to why we are erking out a living, "we are doing this and that for them" and we conclude it is worth it because of some joy that comes with it.

BUT then again have we actually explored other paths or just followed the instincts of our parents and their forefathers. Perhaps it is precisely this unthinking well trodden path which some young people fear and are now trying to break away from. They may want to discover the real LIFE apart from the biologically driven propagation of species. Maybe they have a love or passion for a cause, maybe they need to see the world and its varied faces and cultures, maybe they need to deepen their knowledge in a particular subject, or maybe they just want to discover "living" without using children as a means to this end.

Perhaps instead of bemoaning that the children are not following the procreational footsteps, parents can derive some insight from their grown children who need this personal freedom. They may get a tip or 2 on how to grow themselves and perhaps a second spring may dawn in their colourless life.