Eavesdrop

Nowadays we were told to leave the doors opened at story telling sessions to address concerns parents may have about the content of the books read to the children (my own suspect is to ensure no religious influence). At the same time parents are allowed to sit in. At first I felt uncomfortable and played down any drama. I also become more conscious of my grammar just in case parents complain about my bad English. On the plus side, I can be quite encouraged by their amusement. There is this lady who seems so amused by my drama and is so easily tickled and laughs ever so readily. One of these days I am going to invite her to act as one of the characters in my story. Sometimes when I see the kids, especially older children or adults laugh at my jokes I break down in laughter as well appreciating my own jokes!

Yesterday a lady who remained ever so serious, sat at a corner of the room. She had a head scarf on, not worn in a fashionable manner, such that I wondered whether she is receiving chemeotherapy. She sat there reading unperturbed by the noise and laughter in the room. Occasionally she looked up and cast an expressionless look at us. She left some impression on me.

After each story telling session, I usually reward myself with a bowl of hot almond paste at a dessert outlet. Yesterday, there was this middle aged couple seated at a table next to mine. Their conversation was so interesting that I strained my ears to eavesdrop. Throughout, this guy kept asking intermittently the question "Why must he become a monk?", to which the same reply but in various forms "how I know", "you ask me I ask who" and " I wish I know" came from the woman. My curiosity was not satisfied as I never got further information beyond this exchange which I soon realised is more of self wonder and bewilderment by both. After a while there was a new slant when the woman exclaimed in exasperation " If he had said he wanted to be a doctor or lawyer would you have asked why". I sat there eating and thinking about the sick (my guess) woman who sat in at my story session and this couple. If this couple were given a choice between having a child who is sick and a child who wants to be a monk, which would they have chosen.

I also recalled my daughter relating to me the circumstances about one of her friends. Before this girl left for UK under a scholarship she had a boyfriend whom her parents disapproved of. Why? Because the boy was not good enough for her. It was something like the boy is pursuing a course which is not law, nor medicine nor business at a local U and is not ambitious enough or something. Subsequently they broke off and the girl fell in love with a Pakistani Muslim in UK from the same college. The parents being Christians are devastated and when she comes back for summer holiday encourages her to reconcile with the former boyfriend.

No matter how slow you take to finish a bowl of almond paste you can not pretend to linger on for long. As I left I just thought about the things we can learn just by reflecting what we see and hear, "be thankful" is just one.

Learning to be Alive

In an article in Mind your Body entitled "Put anxiety into words", Dr Douglas Kong, consultant psychiatrist at Mt E, explained that due to socio-cultural factors we are not expressive of our own feelings or do not have the vocabulary to express them. As such anxieties may surface through physical symptoms such as palpitations, breathlessness, insomnia etc. Thus people seek to reduce the symptoms by resorting to drugs, which only help in the short term.

In his book, "Man's Search for Himself", Rollo May, exixtential psychologist, talked about how people try to overcome anxiety through activity. "Many people keep busy all the time as a way of covering up anxiety; their activism is a way of running from themselves. They get a pseudo and temporary sense of aliveness by being in a hurry, as though something is going on if they are but moving, and as though being busy is a proof of one’s importance."

He goes on to advocate how we should try to be more in touch with ourselves and to have more self awareness in order to be really alive, "Along with rediscovering our feelings and wants, is (the need) to recover our relation with the subconscious aspects of ourselves". "Self awareness.....brings back into the picture the quieter kinds of aliveness- the arts of contemplation and meditation. It brings a new appreciation for being something rather than merely doing something".

He then goes on to quote Robert Louis Stevenson, "To be idle requires a strong sense of personal identity.”

I feel I can relate to the above, ie. how I occasionally fear being alone doing nothing because of some unexplained anxieties creeping up in me. I would then busy myself to avoid such feelings. I ascribe this to our upbringing where inactivity is perceived as uselessness and lack of importance; and the belief being subconsciously ingrained in us from young that we must work hard to survive (because as a small country we lack resoureces bla bla bla- hahaha blame the government for all your little ills).

I feel it is important for our young people to be given the chance to be creatively idle. It is sad that subjects like Art and Literature are not encouraged by some schools because they are subjects difficult to score. Somehow I am just worried our young people are too busy, multi tasking, balancing heavy workload (be it school or work) with clubbing and other pleasures, sacrificing even sleep to maximise each available hour of the day.

As for me, I am slowly learning to enjoy being myself. For instance I went swimming in a deserted pool yesterday. The touch of water against my body never felt so good.

Life's Progress

Next week looms gloomy. Daughter just flew back after summer holiday and son in camp. School breaks for a week. At times like these, with the whole week at one's own disposal, one should be feeling really free and lucky. The choice is unlimited, you can spend the whole week reading, following a exercise regime, shopping, visiting relatives, going for shows with your sisters, catching up with friends, blogging, planning for winter holiday, tidying up the house etc etc. When I was working I would have cried for joy, not only for the break but also for the lack of a work-burdened mind. The contemplation of a week alone does not seem so inviting to me now. Somehow I prefer company.

Looking back at my life, when I was an adolesccent I did not like company. I forced myself to join in activities with whichever close circle I happened to be in at every stage of my early life and did not really enjoy it at all. I moved with each circle just not to be deemed as being aloof. As Rollo May says in his book Man's Search for Himself, " If a person is alone very much of the time, people tend to think of him as a failure, for it is inconceivable to them that he would choose to be alone...."

But strangely as the years go by and I gain more independence of what I want out of my life and less interested in what people perceive of me, I feel more and more the pleasures of interacting with people; from the exchange of ideas and experiences. This warmth is more pronounced when I show concern and interest for their welfare like when I chat with parents of my young clients. In the early days after I resigned from my previous corporate job, I felt a bit disappointed when people abruptly dropped me from their mind once I was of no use to them (like a banker whom I thought was almost a friend but called not to bade me farewell or wish me well but to get tips to clinch a deal before I left). Now I respect different individuals as pursuers of their own goals and destinies and are of no consequence to me if we do not bond.

This then perhaps is what we call progress and growth, from a lone individual struggling to fit in with the crowd to one who is in the process of finding a centre within, which can support meaningful and warm interaction with others.

That silver lining

Counselling children calls for much patience and humility. On Mondays I have session with a child who needs help to manage his anger. For 2 consecutive weeks, I received feedback that "despite" a session with me, he still threw angry tantrums on that very day. I must confess I am not really trained on the special skills on anger management but is trying to help the child address his insecurity because I believe the child is trying to be in control through anger to overcome his fears. I do not wish to elaborate on how I reach this hypothesis. However these type of feedback from teachers very often cast self doubt on what you are doing. Sometimes I wonder shouldn't I be spending time at home watching stock prices and trading instead.

But yesterday was an uplifting day. That is the nature of this job. Once in a while when you feel like running out of steam something happens to lift you from your disillusion. Yesterday I had a chat with a divorced mother, with her son's permission and request. Just when the boy is overcoming his parents' divorce and regaining emotional stability, he now is disturbed by the frequent fights betwee his mother and her new boyfriend, also a divorcee with kids around the boy's age. The boy has become friends with that family and the boy has expressed hopes that a happy family will emerge from this relationship. So I called the mum expecting some negative and defensive behaviour. I was surprised that the lady was very receptive and appreciative of the feedback although she did defend her helplessness. She was told by her son that he likes me and can tell me things freely. Somehow I am quite lifted by this conversation.

Then there was another breakthrough. An abandoned child who has been hiding his pain and putting a "happy family" front was able to process his pain through play. It is believed that if a person buries his pain and grief, it will leave a deep imprint throughout his life. Therapy begins with expression of the pain in whatever way which the boy was unable to do for a long time. Yesterday I gave him freedom to play by himself using the miniature toys and figures displayed. I asked him to create a story using the toys. The story began as usual with a happy family circle with a little boy as the main character. As the child lost himself in the play, the story developed. The parents separated and lived far far apart. The boy with the help of a transformer chased after the father who was flying away in an aeroplane. "Why are you running away?" asked the boy and the transformer. Then the transformer helped him to locate his mother "Why are you hiding?" he asked his mother. Throughout I tried to remain quiet except for a few questions to prompt him on.

Later on I shared with the boy's teacher my belief in healing the hurt before addressing whatever behavioural problems the child may have. For once I found a teacher who shares the same belief. For once I was not bombarded with feedback about lack of improvement, be it still not handing in homework, still dreaming in class, still fighting bla bla bla. Instead we chatted about how heart wrenching it is to see how the poor children suffer in such adverse circumstances and encourages each other that whatever little we do it helps.

Yes it is not often we sight silver lining but in the rare moments when we do, it spurs us on to run another mile :)

BEING

Way back in 2004 to chalk up practicum hours for a diploma course in counselling, I volunteered at a parent support group for parents of some very low functioning autistic teenagers. We helped out at the meet-the-parent sessions, chatting with the parents about their children, organising some resourcing activities for them and interpreting the principal's messages for parents who don't speak English. At a recent gathering amongst my ex-classmates, I learnt that the mother of one of the autistic kid has committed suicide.

I remembered that amongst the parents, she stood out as one who dressed well, was very polite, chatty and often thanked us for spending time with them. Two other parents struck me with their way of coping which was through acceptance and religious support.

I observed that almost all the parents enjoyed their children, taking delight in moments when the child responds. No matter how slow the progress, any small improvement in engaging the child brings joy very much like any parent would watching their child master a new skill. The source of sadness however is wishing that the child will be like any other "normal" child, making a living one day etc. Of course, the worry about who will look after the child when they are gone hangs heavy; but I have a feeling even if that is taken care off, the pain is the pining for the "normal" child.

Recently, I have been reading a book on existential psychotherapy. Sometimes I am not sure whether I am getting the right meaning of what I read or just interpreting things my own way. Whatever it is, it does make me think a bit more.

I think to myself if each of these parents live say in a farm remote from social conditioning they may not feel so depressed. The so called "cure" for any neurotic symptoms in people tend to be focused on learning to adjust or adapt to standard mode of behaviour which is culturally accepted in society. This includes changing self beliefs to achieve that. Some are prescribed drugs to help in "adjustment", for example drugs are often taken by people to help then feel more relaxed in social settings.

Existential psychotherapy (if I dont read wrongly) aims to help the patient accept his own being, his own self. If he manages that or finds enough courage to do that, his anxiety about his place in the world may be overcome. Nietzsche, famous for his work on existentialism, encouraged people to be above the mores of civilization and choose their own standards. He also expounded important existential themes of freedom, choice, responsibility and courage.

Although existential psychotherapy has no relevance to my recollection of the parents, it somehow stirs my thoughts. If these parents can accept the fact that their children can be themselves, can be special, and that they do not need to be like any other child that the country or society expects of them; would the parents' pain be lighter? I wonder. Say if the child lives in a farm or some place far from the madding crowd, free to do whatever he likes, repeatedly or routinely if he so wishes; and supported by siblings and parents who accept him, would mother and child be less miserable? If only individuals can be individuals or have the courage to be.

Mind Tricks

This guy Gary Hayden that has a column in Mind your Body wrote an article relating 3 incidents when his mind played tricks on him. In the first incident, his mind was so fixed when he entered into a male restroom in a foreign country, that the absence of urinal and presence of pad disposal bin did not alert him to the possiblilty of it being a ladies' toilet. In the second incident, his mind conjured up a story to explain his appearance in a photo when the person was actually someone else. A third situation finds him subconscioulsy ignoring news about rising property prices but instead focusing on views about price bubble, because he has yet to repurchase a property having sold one years ago.

About the time I read this article, I was in a bit of a puzzle about a 8 yr old boy in school. The grandmother of the boy has requested counselling because the boy has a hatred for his mother and stepfather and has mentioned often he will kill them when he grows up. His biological parents are divorced and his mother abandoned him. He was physically abused by his stepfather when he was younger.

I like to encourage my children to help me draw their genogram at the first session. You'll be surprised how interesting they find it, eg. circle for girls and women, squares for boys and men and lines connecting parentage etc. As we draw we talk a bit about the family members. My young friend drew mother, father, grandma and him with 2 brothers staying in the same household. Mother works as a nurse, father works in factory, both come home late from work, hence nenek (grandma) takes care of the children. Also when he needs someone to talk to he turns to his father. Huh? Have I gotten the wrong file? I checked his name against the file more than once throughout the session.
When he further describes himself as a junior prefect and is doing well in his school work, I am convinced the child has very low self esteem and is hiding the truth from people. I know I need to work very slowly with him to gain his trust before he can revisit his past.

One way of getting children or even older clients to be in touch with themselve is sandtray therapy. From a wide array of small figurines and small objects the client is free to instinctively select some to tell their story. The child picked figures to represent his family. Again he picked himself, his mother and brothers and placed them very close in a tight circle. Clearly he 'forgot' his father. "what about nenek (grandma)?" I asked. "Ooh nenek I forgot" and then he picked up another female figure to join the close circle.

Hmm... I thought, maybe his family circumstances have changed, maybe his mother has returned to stay with them. Maybe deep down he still loves his mother which explains why he colours his mum in peach when drawing her. Peach he says is a happy colour for him. So I called nenek. Then the pieces began to fall in place. Nenek says the boy has started to call her 'ibu' (mother) after the mother left home. The person who works as a nurse is actually his cousin and the male father figure is her boyfriend. I shared this with my school counsellor and she says it is not unusual for kids to say things which is totally not the real facts.

Wow I really need to read up much more about child psychology (haha I have never been this diligent in my former job, reading up such that I can do my work a bit better). Reading Hayden's article jolts me to reflect that if a rational adult's mind can do tricks, what more that of a vulnerable child. I feel in this case, there are elements of conjuring, hiding as well as blocking. To reach out to a child's inner thoughts and feelings one has to be really patient. I have to remind myself often to respect the child's own pace and never to impose my own agenda in the process.

That posh apartment can wait!

Just in case busy people have missed the interview Cheong Suk-Wai had with Christopher Hsee which was reproduced in the Straits Times on 28th July, I am reflecting a bit on it. Prof Hsee says " The point is that to increase or maintain happiness, we should pursue events which are resistant to adaptation......Most social events are less prone to adaptation, so having pets or enjoying the arts gives us greater joy in the long run>".

The work of Professor Hsee from University of Chicago was cited at some length by Nobel economic laureate Daniel Kahneman in his lecture in 2002. Basically Prof Hsee distinguishes between 2 types of events, Type A and Type B event. Type A event has an absolute standard, ie. clearly good or bad for our well being. For example, a person may deem loneliness as an unhappy situation. Type B event on the other hand are relative, ie. based on social comparisons, like how big your diamond is as mentioned by the prof. He also says Type B event is hence a zero sum game, because "if everyone wears large diamonds, our average happiness will be the same as when everyone wears small diamonds". In addition events that we can adapt to easily loose their ability to bring joy. An example he gave is acquiring an expensive granite countertop in your kitchen. This type of event compares less favourably with events which are "dynamic and variable" (say keeping a pet or embracing an art form)and which can prolong the joy we experience.

Reading this article makes me reflect on my own pursuits. Of late the countless articles on properties prompted me to drop in on 2 showflats. I can not deny that the posh and luxurious interiors stirred my heart a bit, such that I began to wonder if I had continued working would I have considered jumping onto the bandwagon and then resolved to continue slogging hard for it. See it is less of "social comparison" as Prof Hsee mentions, it is more of MY real weakness for nice homes. Every time I come home from viewing an interior designer showhouse I will cast a sad eye on my abode with its run down furniture, clutter, mess and wondering what I can do to make it more like a resort home (but without spending money). If I have the money, I will buy a tastefully furnished apartment (need not be too big)fronting the sea. I wonder how long I will take to "adapt" to this joy before it fizzles out as per the prof, haha. But then again, if I have to slog to maintain this posh apartment, would I have the light frame of mind to enjoy it. See only when you are not stressed out by work, would you have that lightness and peace to enjoy moments like watching your cat sleep serenely beside you. The cat feels so safe and peaceful beside you whilst you are doing your stuff such that you feel both the cat and you are together just "being" and that is what is meant to be in our life. ( Crazy, see how I straddle between the material desire of wanting to "have" and to "consume" as Jung or Fromm put it and the philosophical spectrum of just "being" ).

But that is exactly what the dilemma or predicament is all about. For middle aged people like us who have been brought up to make sure there is sufficient financial security before pondering about actualisation or pursuits of personal interests, the question lies in how much longer will one live. Is it long enough such that I can pursue all these airy fairy stuff (including trying to put a smile on little faces)after my statutory retirement age? (By then I would have sufficient means to enjoy all that I want). Or would it be cut off abruptly such that there is no opportunity to pursue them or for that matter with health failing after retirement, the joy of whatever procured will be lost ? Hmm.... the dilemma. But of course if one needs to work until retirement, the best approach I think is to take it easy and not be too stressed up and think about how one can actually live humbly and enjoy Type B events like what I am doing now, me writing my blog whilst listening to tunes from "Middle Kingdom" and me and my cat experiencing our "being". Let me savour this awhile. That posh apartment can wait! As Vivien Leigh of Gone With the Wind said "I'll think about it tomorrow"