The Art of Giving

I purchased a pot of peach blossom for CNY at a nursery. The lady proprietor quoted $38 and I asked for a discount. The lowest price she said she could sell was $35. I told her I'd pay $36 as it's a more auspicious number unless she didn't mind $33. She frowned but when she gave me the change for $50 I got $17 back.

This has been what I observed for quite a long while. When you give in a bit you receive more in return. It could be that people feel it's an obligation they have to repay.

After I quit my former finance job I pursued a Master in Counselling which required me to chalk up certain practicum hours in one-to-one counselling before I could pass out. I managed to intern at a family service center. However I needed to do administrative and reporting work as an intern, the hours of which were not counted as practicum hours. Some days I was given one counselling session with a client, some days none. I was also roped in to do survey work. In fact I had to find other sources to achieve my practicum hours. At the end of the internship however they offered me a job and when I declined the full time work the director recommended me for a part time school counselling job. Again I feel it was like an obligation on her part to pay me back for the hours I put in.

Nothing however can match what I receive from the voluntary sandplay session I offer the children at the children's home. Once I was having a session with a boy when we were suddenly disturbed by sounds of screaming and wailing piercing through the room. The boy's demeanor changed and he looked instantly disturbed. I asked what could be the matter. He told me it was his sister crying and she was quite likely being bullied. The social worker later told me that the boy had begged her to send his sister home so she won't be bullied. He could stay put in the home if their parents couldn't afford to have both of them back. So last week I asked for special permission to have a sandplay session with the sister who is 6 years old. The intensity she engaged with the play pulled my heartstrings.  I offered her a reassuring presence and tried my best to create a an enveloping atmosphere of safety and care.

Why I say I receive much more is this indescribable feeling you walk away with. When you show a child you care and you could tell from their response they felt it, the inner peace/content or perhaps the quiet joy is such a blessed gift you receive in return. Simply put you are happy because you make somebody happy.

So if giving something tangible can be like an investment yielding returns (sometimes playing on human psychology), giving from the heart yields much much more for your heart.

"The heart that gives, gathers"- Tao Te Ching

Ceasing to understand the times in which we live

I can relate to what Norman Fischer, Zen Buddhist priest, said at the Stanford graduation ceremony 2014:
We older people don't really know what the world will require in the coming times – and we are a bit bewildered, and unsure, though we hate to admit it. To grow old is to gradually cease to understand the times in which you live. "

Yes so true. Each day as the world news whirls around me I feel more and more resigned to not getting a grasp of the logic, the rationale or some world order which gives meaning to the events which unfold. I used to believe the only way to figure out is to read and gather as much information so to get a glimpse of some grand plan. If I am confused it must be due to the lack of adequate knowledge. Many believe that the only way to be safe is through "thinking to death".

As I grow older I become not only more resigned but more willing to let go and accept the inability to understand "the times in which we live". Buddha has once advised against spending time thinking about the 4 imponderables, 2 of which are the origin of the world (metaphysics) and the precise working of karma.

Watching a documentary on BBC Earth which traces the history of China from 2000BC with the rise and fall of empires and endless warfare, reminded me there were countless periods in history when people must have also felt they "ceased to understand the times in which they live".

Instead directing the focus on living in the present moment with as much love, compassion and good intention that we can manage as a human being would be more promising than "thinking to death".

Peace-
"It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble and hard work. It means to be in a place with those things and still to be calm in your heart."

Spring cleaning and impermanence

Nothing reminds you of impermanence more than when you are spring cleaning, especially if you don't do  it regularly enough. So today I was on a rampage of throwing unwanted stuff at home and it was like rummaging through a time capsule. Boxes of floppy disk, Nokia phone chargers and Kodak films had to be tossed into the trash bag. The fact that at their purchase the buyer could not envisage their imminent obsolescence was symptomatic of the speed of change. The instruction manuals traced the progression from desk tops to laptop, from VHS to laser disk to CD and to DVD players.  Dictionaries are retained more for sentimental reasons than for actual usage. A whole set of health encyclopedia went to the karang guni man. It didn't seem so long ago that they were often referred to whenever someone in the family was unwell. Who now carries a bulky copy of these when a touch on the iphone answers all you need to know.

The accolades in the form of trophies, certificates and medals reminded of moments of pride and glory but at the same time how no one remembers them now, not even yourself. A letter dropping out of a well loved book marked how friendship once so strong was lost forever. You see that stack of diaries and know they harbor tears as well as eclipses of joy and love; and yet they too have vanished in smoke. 

Needless to say the photo of my mother's baptism (when she became a Catholic at  70+) and where in the photo 2 loved ones have now passed on struck me vividly the impermanence of all things, all things.

You don't want to play, I play ok?

I had one of the most challenging clients ever. On her first appointment she refused to get out of her father's car. This 9 year old girl is traumatized by the fierce tussle between parents for custody. As a defence mechanism or as a way to express her anger she often throws tantrum and threatens her parents by putting herself in dangerous situations so much so that the police has sometimes to be called. So that day I spent some time in the car park trying to coax her to take a peep at the picture of our sandplay room on my iphone. She closed her eyes and pretended to sleep in the reclined car seat seemingly oblivious; but I think vigilant of all the remarks made by the adults around her. So I landed up talking with her dad (within her ear shot)  trying my best to steer his conversation away from her bad behaviour and encouraging him to talk more about her school life and her strengths. When dad described how she is plucky and roughs out with the boys she stole a smile and uttered a pretentious protest. So for the first appointment she didn't step out of the car. To the credit of the father's perseverance  he arranged a second appointment.

I was mentally prepared that she would not turn up and was pleasantly surprised that they arrived punctually for the second appointment. The child still wearing a furious look declared right into my face that she would not be doing anything. There she was lounged on the chair watching a cartoon on her phone and ignoring all my attempts to get her near the sandtray or to look around the room. After awhile I told her that since the time and space was completely hers she had the freedom to do as she liked. I then went on to say, "You don't want to play, I play ok?". I then used the wet tray to create a pond and placed a family of ducks in it. As I played I described aloud what I was doing. The child stole some glances of me at play. Then still frowning she moved nearer and nearer. I asked her to suggest what I should put in my tray. Slowly she let go of her defences and joined in. I guess what drew her was my authenticity at play, meaning I was really enjoying the play. In the end she spent almost half an hour moving the sand in another tray. That was what I wished most for her because the tactile nature of the sand will help her relax  and also helps her to be in touch with her inner self.

For me as an observer what struck me was the absolute contrast in demeanor between her angry defensive self and the child like innocent self once she allowed it to surface. I caught some brief glimpses of childish joy when we share about our pets. It upsets me a little when reflecting how much the child suppresses her innate childlike delight and has to constantly put on an armour.

In my work with children I do not know how much I have been of real help. Not many parents believe in such expressive therapy and only few keep the sessions going beyond the first few. One father looking at his teenage son's sandtray picture blatantly remarked to his son "Is that all you did for one whole hour?" Thereafter the boy did not turn up again. (It was of course wrong of me to allow the parent into the sandplay room.) Sometimes I myself lose confidence and have doubts on its effectiveness. However there are also times whilst observing the children engaging in sandplay I can sense the catharsis taking place within them.

Through it all what I consider good enough is providing a safe space for the child, feeling and sensing with them. In the case of the children at the children's home where I volunteer it is good enough for them to feel they are being loved. In all that we do there are often times when we vacillate and are unsure whether we are doing the right thing. At the end of the day the guiding principle for all our actions should be good intention. With that we can set our mind at ease for all our actions even if people's opinion differ from ours.

So when I say to the child "You don't want to play, I play ok?" and I really mean it, it will be fine.

Of La La Land

I watched the film La La Land a story about an actress and a musician pursuing their dreams in LA, a city that often fizzles wannabes' ambitions in smoke. This musical provides great entertainment in terms of musical and visual delight as well as philosophical reflection on pursuing life goals. I particularly like the last part where they showed a rosy tinted run on what life could possibly have been like if everything the characters wish falls in place. It then ends with the stark reality that life does not happen that way ie. there is no perfect life. It is all about choices and living with whatever the outcome and sacrifices.

This again brings to mind a phrase "Everything we encounter is our life". Every situation arises from causes and conditions, often from our own doing and often not or beyond us. Yet we have to live to the best that we can. In the final session of the Life Script Review class which I attended, there was much reckoning that hardships encountered in life often spur one towards something positive. The participant who had been through a divorce volunteers as a befriender to single parents. Another who came from a dysfunctional family that wrecked some of her siblings' lives now helps out in the prisons providing hope and moral support. Where life in some was once so skewed and imbalanced the need to achieve equilibrium kicked in at some point of time sending them on a spiritual quest.

Through it all the way I see self awareness and acceptance as of greatest importance.Again the serenity prayer surfaces in my mind:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

 

 

Go watch the show, its ending encapsulates this refrain.

Precious take away from classmates

I mentioned sometime ago that I am attending a Life Script Review class at SACE. Now onto the 4th of 6 sessions, participants have been asked to share their personal life stories so that others can help identify repeated patterns. This is very much like the sandplay therapy which I practice where I try to identify repeated themes in the children's stories.

Having heard 6 accounts of personal history (all participants are above 50 years old ), one observation I made is the presence of some form of mild discontent or regret in all except for one. So for those who are single and have had successful careers the regret was not having a richer social life. For those who missed out on higher education they wondered what they would have become had they focused more on education, despite having spent good years nurturing a warm family. Then of course there are some who just feel something is lacking in their life which they can not really define. I see this as a general disappointment for failing to discover one's full potential be it in intellectual/occupational wellness or emotional/social wellness.

Two other common traits are evident across lives. A stable childhood with good bonding and support clearly provides a strong foundation to meet challenges and withstand hardship. However for those who came from dysfunctional families, the saving grace is spiritual faith which helped them rise from the ashes to steer towards a lighted path.

Another common trait is a vouch not to repeat their parents' "mistakes". Those whose lives were scripted by their parents allowed their children full liberty to choose their own paths. Those who did not receive sufficient parental attention or love in their childhood  re-compensate instead  their own children by sacrificing their career.

The course is still ongoing and people are beginning to share more of their private lives including illnesses etc. So far one very inspirational take away for me  is how some people step up to critical life events purely by brute forcing themselves to adopt the right attitude and to do the right thing for themselves and for their close ones. This reminds me of Viktor Frankl, the holocaust psychiatrist survivor and his famous quote:

 “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.”

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/v/viktorefr131417.html

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/v/viktorefr131417.html

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/v/viktorefr131417.html

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/v/viktorefr131417.html

Facebook flashbacks

Facebook now has a feature that gives you a daily flashback of pictures you posted in the past on the very same day of the year.  As I was writing this blog I took a picture from the hotel room's writing desk at Tam Coc Vietnam, a rustic countryside surrounded by limestone hills. This place, this spot could well have been Somerset Maugham's chosen retreat to write his novel. I can imagine him reclining on the ratan chair as words flowed through his mind.

A year or many from now on this very day, Facebook will probably flash this very picture to jolt my memory, probably even after I am dead. Beyond some brief flashback or reminiscence, this very moment has absolutely no purpose for me in those future moments; and when I am dead and gone what use has this moment left for the 'once upon a time' me.

Thus this moment has to be fully lived with full presence.