Have a peaceful journey

One unique experience living in a landed property in Singapore is when a death occurs in your neighbour's house. It may be a normal mundane morning when suddenly lorry loads of fold-able tables and white plastic chairs arrive or you may come home after work to find white tentages erected in your neighbour's house. Such was the case when I returned home one afternoon to find preparations for a funeral wake taking place directly next door. The couple with their 2 children are just a few years younger than me and there aren't any old folks living with them. Gingerly my husband and me called on them to find out what happened before the coffin arrived. You may say it was a bit of a relief for us when my neighbour and his wife greeted us at the door.

Apparently my neighbour has a brother who lived in US with his family. He had died suddenly and being a Singaporean wanted to be cremated and have his final resting place back home. Hence the funeral wake was held in my neighbour's house. We made another trip to pay our respect and I noticed the coffin was placed in the living room.

Now it is usual for me to take my afternoon nap on the sofa in my living room. That afternoon after the visit, as I lay down on the sofa I thought of the coffin next door, just separated by a common wall. At first I thought it spooky but then I began to contemplate accepting death and not to fear it as encouraged in Buddhist teachings.

As I write this blog I am looking out of my dining room where a funeral is taking place next door. A bereavement van is parked outside my house. A priest in white  robes walks past and I hear the singing of hymns. The van is then driven into the house. A bus stops in front of my house and people get onto the bus apparently to attend the church for the final service. Now all is quiet and all the vehicles have left.

I remember many years ago when my brother in law passed away I was in the bus heading for the crematorium. As the bus was travelling up a flyover I looked down at the vehicles criss crossing the lanes below. I thought to myself then, one person has left us and "the world goes on" as if nothing has happened. In most other funerals that I attend I have this same feeling, a sense of confusion, of not being able to grasp the reality of death whilst the world goes on as if none the worse. But such is life. Death touches the heart of the loved ones but with time they will heal and life goes on. Death dwells  side by side with living. Just like this morning I could hear my neighbour playing with the granddaughter of his deceased brother at the backyard. "Look at the bird" he said pointing to the chirping bird on the fence as the little toddler squealed with delight and their dog barked and my cat napped separated by a low barricade. All these when a dead body laid in their house.

May you have a peaceful journey and May the hearts of your family heal soon and carry on their lives with bearable pain and beautiful memories.

Fun in the Din

There were about 10 children when we were about to start the story telling session yesterday having just sung "The Library Welcome Song" (lyrics composed by me incidentally). We were interrupted by a knock on the door and in trooped about 7 autistic teenagers accompanied by 3 social workers. I greeted my unexpected guests cheerfully and when they settled down I got the children to sing the library song again. From how the teenagers behaved I knew they are rather low functioning and I wasn't sure how the session will progress. Nevertheless I proceeded in my normal way, flavouring the story with exaggerated animal sound and cartoon voices. What I didn't expect was a lot of echoing and imitation of the sound that I made from the teenagers for it is quite common for autistic kids to repeat sound and words they hear. The only problem was they were doing this loudly without control and the social workers had to try their best to quieten them.

Now it is also usual for me to inject a lot of jokes and adult sarcasms in the portrayal of my characters, more for my own pleasure and for that of accompanying parents and maids. Yesterday amongst my audience there happened to be a easily tickled grandmother who let out peals of laughter more often than appreciated. Needless to say she added on to the din which was already increasingly difficult to manage. At one stage one social worker had to leave the room with one of the teenagers. I could see that the parents were also feeling a bit uneasy. (The session was specifically mentioned for kids below 6 years although many primary kids like to join in).

The real heroes were really my 10 little kids. They were glued to my story and took it in their stride the loud exaggerated response from the teenagers seated behind them as if it was mere over enthusiasm. They did not reinforce the din nor did they seem scared when one of the teenagers lay on the floor refusing to get up. Encouraged by them I decided to carry on with my usual drama much to the pleasure of grandma and the children. I don't know how much the teenagers have taken in the story but they applauded loudly imitating the social workers.

I realise the children were just being their natural selves not affected by any thoughts and pre-conceived notions about the group of people sitting behind them. Unlike their parents, they were not yet conditioned to expect certain decorum of the teenagers and seemed to accept them as fellow story listeners eager for some excitement.

At the end of the story, WE all had good fun didn't we? That's all that matters, really.

CNY Banters

My daughter sent me a a website that has gone viral which the writer cheekily describes as "Power Plays or Micro-aggressions" during CNY when "banter about your boy/girl" is prevalent. The writer invites people to add on to the list of things that aunties and uncles say at CNY gatherings. It drew a lot of responses with an inexhaustible list of overheard comments that make your eyes roll in disbelief at the insensitive things that people can actually say. Very often the remarks made by relatives have the underlying intention to show off whilst other remarks simply show insensitivity or intentional sarcasm.

Some of the outrageous things that people say include:

-Can't find boyfriend yet? Better set your standards lower, you are almost 30
-You so fast getting married next year? Wah! for the first time in your life, you managed to beat your brother at something
-Every year my mum tries to 'raise' my value by replying to my relatives that there are guys 'chasing' me but I'm not interested
-You are in poly? My son is in NUS/NTU
-You taking Arts? Graduate do what? My son is taking Law
-Wah you look so dark, you look like a maid

 and the list goes on and on showing how people like to be one up or are insensitive to other peoples' plight. Here is the link if you are interested
https://vulcanpost.com/527032/google-docs-of-cny-power-play-goes-viral/

No wonder many youngsters dread CNY visitings. Honestly not only the youngsters, even parents like me dread those often repeated questions about whether my children have BF/GF. In a vain attempt to stop this question I announced that my son is more interested in saving up to pursue further studies and not interested in girls. Can you imagine what a rude shock I got when someone asked "Is he interested in boys if he is not interested in girls?" I replied, that in all honesty he is interested in neither being a philosophical hermit who just loves to pursue knowledge and think (but can you imagine how parents of LGBTs feel). What really affects me a little however is when my sister-in-law seeing how I love to play with her grand kids and out of goodness of heart insinuated to my daughter to help fulfill my wish. When true meaning people pass such remarks it can be worse because you are convinced by them that you lack something.

Coming back to why people like to 'raise the value' of their kids; it is really another ego trip. This is especially so amongst  Asians because children are like extensions of themselves. I think some people have to put others down to assure themselves they are OK.

There is an underlying irrational belief in many people that they can not live with the inequality of not having what others have, hence the constant need to be better or at least equal to others. Accepting the inequality of not having what other have can be learnt and with practice will brace us through banters at many future CNY gatherings.

Small Wins

I kind of like watching this show on Starhub channel 427 "Who'd Be a Billionaire". It shows you all the crazy things billionaires do to get the next kick in their lives or be another one-up in their circle. The lavishness and opulence is mind boggling.

In earlier episodes they show how billionaires descended on London buying up several units in a row of prime property in central London, tearing down everything except the exterior facade and even building a swimming pool in the basement. Some of them have specialists that help install the same entertainment system in every new home purchased by the billionaire round the world just so that the guy wouldn't have to relearn how to use the system when he drops in for a visit. The agents serving them remarked that these ultra rich have no qualms tearing down a newly installed bathroom just because the wife fancied a certain tap which caught her eyes while partying in a friend's house. One agent remarked that to these people, the house is not a Home , it is just a piece of property which they may not even visit in a year, hence there is no attachment.

The latest episode talked about how these billionaires are moving on to acquire experiences instead of material possessions like properties, art, cars, yachts etc. So they are seeking new adventures and competing to provide that talk-of-the-town exotic experience for their guests when entertaining. A party planner had to recce the best spot on a cliff with a good view out in the desert, built a stage paved with the finest carpets and lamps to recreate that Arabian Night experience whilst at the same time booking the whole of another hotel (all geared up for another party) just in case an untimely sand storm rendered it impossible to have the desert party.

However the show always remarks that the billionaires are not necessary happy because they are always chasing for the new kick and place great importance on where they stand in their circle. The show always ends with someone repeating this answer to a question as to whether billionaires are happy people " I think the super rich are happier than the super poor". In fact from an article that I read many billionaires are often depressed. They call it the psychology of success which especially befall people who suddenly became super rich like the dot com techies and those who suddenly inherit great wealth as well as those who have reached the apex of their career like the first moon walkers. Apparently it is like suddenly losing momentum that keeps one going when realising one does not have to work for lifetimes. One can then "sink into a kind of inertia" with a feeling of "a drop into an abyss".

Psychologists think that the answer to the problem is simply "progress". As long as there is some some steps forward no matter how small, it will give the person a sense of forward motion. Thus many super rich have taken a new career or start a new business or focus on philanthropy or the arts, Psychologists call these "small wins" which one can control, apparently as long as one can progress, anything at all will do. I think the same principle applies to common people too. Retirees like me would do good to look for some '"small wins".

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Conditioned guilt

Yesterday I assisted a counsellor to get a girl of separating parents express her feelings and thoughts through questionnaire and various media. The main take away from her are feelings of being scared and guilty whilst caught in the midst of fights, arguments and juggling between 2 homes.

It is not new to me that children of divorced parents often feel responsible for their parents' breakup but I do not really understand the root cause of such feelings. I did a bit of research and found out that it may have to do with how a child is conditioned to think from young. A lot of times a child learns that he is at fault when he encounters many unpleasant experiences like being scolded, punished and restrained from doing as he likes. The child has yet to really learn the rules of the game in a world dominated by adults who are supposed to know what's right and the correct way of doing everything. This conditioning makes it impossible for young children to think it is their parents' own doing when they break up. Very often their belief is reinforced because separating parents fight over custody, access time and accuse each other over the child's behaviour, health etc.

Now I am trying to recall how I felt when I was young, not that my parents divorced but they fought a lot. Yes I remembered being very scared when they shouted, screamed and fought, but at no time did I feel I was responsible. Even if that was true it would have been collective guilt because I have a bunch of siblings. However I might have guilty feelings about my mum having to put up with such nonsense because of us. Thus I remember I always felt the need to help out and be less of a burden and definitely never to behave in ways which might add on to my mum's troubles. I definitely felt sad though when my parents fought which incidentally surprised me a lot when the little client put "false" when asked whether she felt sad in the questionnaire. I remember when I felt sad I would softly sing a Christian chorus when bathing which goes like this "In my needs Jesus found me, Put his strong arm around me, Brought me safe home, Into the shelter of the fold...." Then I would sob softly.  I really needed a saviour then.(OK OK Christian friends and readers don't ask why I am not a Christian now, lets not go there haha)

But that probably explains why I choose to work with kids now. Yes, just to make a child a bit happier whenever I can.

Cycles

The share price of Keppel Corp is now S$5+. Way back in 2008 when its share price dropped to $4 and the market was just too bleak to enter, against all seeming logic I bought one lot. Since then I have gone in and out of this counter which had reached a high of more than $11. Out of sentimentality I still retain one last lot. Now the price seems to have gone one full cycle after 7/8 years.

So is the price of crude oil . In my previous life I used to hold weekly meetings with my staff so as to produce a weekly report on the main currencies plus oil ( a lame corporate treasury trying to provide senior management with a weekly update by largely copying from those provided by the banks). Way back in the late 1990s, US$28, 30, 30+ were the norm. After more than 15 years and having seen US$100+, the price of crude oil has also gone one full cycle crashing below US$30.

If you haven't got it, I am leading you to think about events that come and go in cycles as well as what the Chinese term the wheels of fortune 风水轮流转. Recently a prestigious golf club in UK was bought over by a Beijing billionaire. The subscription fees was subsequently doubled with the local members accusing the owner of trying to evict them. Think back more than 65 years when signs of No Chinese and Dogs Allowed appeared in the foreign concession zones of China.

Yes things do go in cycles, economy, financial markets, fashion, wars/historical events and civilisations that swing from dark to golden ages and back in terms of values and social consciousness. Even in our private lives, there are waves that swirl from challenging times to calmer years only to be repeated again and again.

Skillful living as thought in Buddhism is to be able to accept every moment in these cycles. To hanker for "good times" to remain forever in an inevitable cycle is foolish agony.

Growing Old with personhood

Recently it was in the news that a plan to build a nursing home for dementia patients with single rooms facility was shelved because the government said it was unable to subsidise patients in homes with "private rooms". This was despite the findings that dementia patients fare much better when they have their own rooms. Amongst other things it would be easier for them to identify their own room instead of their own hospital bed in the midst of 6 or 8 identical ones. Dementia patients with their own room are also known to be less anxious, irritable and have better sleeping patterns.

In today's ST there is an article calling for a rethink and conversations on remodeling nursing homes in Singapore which currently are more like hospitals focusing on regimented care. This is unlike nursing homes in developed countries like US, UK and Japan where single or twin rooms are the norm. The article went on to describe how the current model results in "depersonalisation, loneliness and diminished quality of life".

On New Year's Day I visited my uncle who is a resident in a nursing home after he suffered a stroke and an attempt to care for him at home failed. I tried to cheer him up recalling old times when we stayed in KL and how well he has led his life as a good provider, a good husband and father. He remarked "What's the use?' (有什么用) and went on to say sadly that one should not live too long. I tried to get him to appreciate that his family visits often and encouraged him to chat with other residents and watch TV to while away the time. Yet even as I said that the surrounding environment casts internal doubt in what I uttered and I felt so unauthentic. Yes I would feel drab too if it was me because there wasn't a single smile on any face of the other 7 residents in the room who were either complaining, sleeping or staring into space. Yes the article was right when it says " the current institutional model of nursing home care can threaten the autonomy and personhood of seniors" where the only semblance of privacy is the bedside drawer.

The authors, a Geriatrician and a professor in Public Health, advocated a more "holistic and humanistic approach grounded in the residents' emotional and socio-psychological needs". I remember in the HK movie 桃姐, the old lady had a stroke and was put up in a nursing facility which was like a shop house in the city. Though very crammed each resident had a very small room, each unique with precious little belongings and momentos, may not be clinically clean but definitely more homely. Looking at the dormitory which housed my uncle, I think it definitely can cater for small little cubicles at least. 

Oh my God when it is my turn I definitely need my own private space to store my favourite toy figurines which I now use for sandplay therapy. Never mind if the room is small and cluttered. At least then I can hold and admire each figurine at my own leisure and relive the old days. I certainly hope to grow old and still be the person that's me.