Conditioned guilt

Yesterday I assisted a counsellor to get a girl of separating parents express her feelings and thoughts through questionnaire and various media. The main take away from her are feelings of being scared and guilty whilst caught in the midst of fights, arguments and juggling between 2 homes.

It is not new to me that children of divorced parents often feel responsible for their parents' breakup but I do not really understand the root cause of such feelings. I did a bit of research and found out that it may have to do with how a child is conditioned to think from young. A lot of times a child learns that he is at fault when he encounters many unpleasant experiences like being scolded, punished and restrained from doing as he likes. The child has yet to really learn the rules of the game in a world dominated by adults who are supposed to know what's right and the correct way of doing everything. This conditioning makes it impossible for young children to think it is their parents' own doing when they break up. Very often their belief is reinforced because separating parents fight over custody, access time and accuse each other over the child's behaviour, health etc.

Now I am trying to recall how I felt when I was young, not that my parents divorced but they fought a lot. Yes I remembered being very scared when they shouted, screamed and fought, but at no time did I feel I was responsible. Even if that was true it would have been collective guilt because I have a bunch of siblings. However I might have guilty feelings about my mum having to put up with such nonsense because of us. Thus I remember I always felt the need to help out and be less of a burden and definitely never to behave in ways which might add on to my mum's troubles. I definitely felt sad though when my parents fought which incidentally surprised me a lot when the little client put "false" when asked whether she felt sad in the questionnaire. I remember when I felt sad I would softly sing a Christian chorus when bathing which goes like this "In my needs Jesus found me, Put his strong arm around me, Brought me safe home, Into the shelter of the fold...." Then I would sob softly.  I really needed a saviour then.(OK OK Christian friends and readers don't ask why I am not a Christian now, lets not go there haha)

But that probably explains why I choose to work with kids now. Yes, just to make a child a bit happier whenever I can.