The Forbidden "Hi Daddy"

When we were about to start the workshop for children from divorced families, a knock on the door was followed by a man peeping into our room.

"Hi XYZ, XYZ how are you?" he called animatedly. He then tried to catch XYZ's eyes gesturing desperately. XYZ, an 8 year old boy seated in the front row ignored him.

"Sorry you are?" I asked.

"I'm his father," he replied.

I tried to get XYZ to greet his father but to no avail. The man uttered goodbye dejectedly and left, not in embarrassment I hope.

I know a bit about XYZ from the first session. He is under his mother's custody and lives with his maternal grandfather who brings him to attend the workshop by cab, as mum is travelling for work. The father was at our centre attending another workshop meant for parents from divorced families and had probably hoped to see his son.

When the father left closing the door quietly I asked XYZ softly why he didn't say 'hi' to his father. XYZ replied that his mother told him never to speak to dad and that he doesn't like dad anyway. I can imagine how hurt the man must have felt.

Having known cases of emotionally scarred children whose divorced parents are embroiled in bitter conflict, I sometimes wonder why these couples are not able to manage their behaviour, knowing quite well the adverse impact the conflict has on their children. I am still stumped why divorce is such an intensely emotional affair. Understandably it is equivalent to a loss of a loved one, a broken dream and dashed hopes of a happy future Spouses may feel like victims of injustice or personal failure or both, thus giving rise to anger, bitterness, guilt and anxiety. I can only conclude there is deep attachment involved and only a conscious effort to let go will help in the emotional unbonding.

At the workshop we have taught the children that it is a myth that they have to help their parents cope with the divorce and the truth is their parents WILL learn to cope with their own emotions and thoughts. The sooner these parents learn to detach and accept the loss, the less adverse impact the divorce will have on these children.

XYZ will then be able to say "Hi Daddy" with a smile sooner.

Defined at 65

Most countries use age 65 as a definition of an older person.

Well, I have just recently been defined as one and was promptly reminded to feel like one when I suffered a muscle strain at the lower back after fitness class as well as a short bout of vertigo a few days later. I tried to recall whether my mother had these problems when she was my age. As I recalled I realize I am beginning to resemble her behaviour at old age in an increasing number of ways.

I used to think the table top at my mum's bedside was really cluttered with medicine bottles, pills, creams, medicated oil and lots of other knick-knacks. I wondered why she couldn't put them in the drawers below. Now the reading lamp at my own bedside table is fighting for space with an open box consisting a tube of cream and a bottle of medicated oil for rheumatism plus another bottle of medicated oil for wind in the stomach. It is placed there for easy reach when my sleep is disturbed by dull aches. In addition a small zip bag provides remedy for sinus headache and blocked nose. A long wooden back massage roller stands ready for hammering my back for relief. All these have to be within reach to facilitate a quick remedy as it is not easy to fall back to sleep when awake for too long, not when you are at my age.

When I complained about my ailments to my children I often get remarks alluding to my negligence in taking care of my health, especially my sedentary lifestyle. This upsets me but now I remember chiding my mum quite a fair bit too when she was in her 70s's including her lack of a balanced diet and her reluctance to go for physiotherapy.

My mum was an ageist and would hide her age. She even forgo using her senior citizen discount card. I didn't know I was one until the mother of a child approached me after my story telling session at the library. She thanked me and shared her daughter's remark " 我喜欢听奶奶讲故事" ( I love to hear 'granny' tell stories ) . I acknowledged her compliments downheartedly.

Well there is one difference between my mum and me. She would take great trouble to groom herself no matter her age. This is one aspect I need to follow but have not really taken the trouble to do so. As I grow older I became less worried about how people view me outside of work. I guess this is also partly attributable to no one noticing a lady of my age. As Mary Pipher , author of "Women Rowing North" said " Invisibility can sometimes be freeing....With invisibility we have permission not to worry so much about appearances or proper behaviour. We can be silly, quirky, and free to do as we please."

Having said that I must be my own checker. I do not need to dress to make a statement or follow the fashion but at least I must be neat, presentable and even a bit stylish  in my very own eyes. 65 comes with privileges, not only those rendered by the government but also the freedom emerging quietly within oneself to devote more time and energy to achieve one's own happiness.

MPH

Once upon a time MPH was a prestigious bookstore patronized by the learned and well healed. At least that was my impression half a century ago when I returned to Singapore at age 15 having lived in KL for a decade with my family. The well furnished store at Stamford Road which covered 3 floors had an aura of cultured elitism. It carried the widest range of English books, stationery, beautiful cards, gifts and even had a toy department selling more upmarket toys. Today MPH announced the closure of its last 2 outlets. Reading that news, memories of various stages of my life at MPH bookstores flooded back.

Back in the '70s to buy something from MPH was a luxury which our family indulged in only occasionally. I remember being tasked by my mother to look for the best toy replica of a machine gun for my younger brother and found the perfect one at MPH's toy department. It was definitely a few notches above other Chinese plastic guns. My mother also allowed us to buy the big glossy picture book which celebrated the 150th anniversary  of the founding of Singapore which I remembered was quite costly.  My younger brother's first Tin Tin comic came from  there. The first purchase from MPH using my own money was when I got a $10 MPH voucher for having my unpoetic but rhyming poem published in a shitty afternoon daily. This was followed by another delightful splurge when I received a valuable MPH voucher for being the best student in a bottom ranking neighbourhood school.

After graduation from university and as a single working adult with no dates, I used to while away time browsing through books at MPH, which by now have outlets at the shopping malls. The next phase in my life when I visited MPH quite frequently was when my children were toddlers. During lunch breaks I would visit MPH at Centre Point Mall to look for books to read to my kids as well as for educational toys. When my son was in primary school he would develop interest in certain subjects from time to time. By then shopping at MPH was no longer a luxury for us and I could afford to feed his curiosity. Once he was keen to possess a tall narrow book that features all the famous buildings in the world and the mother willingly bought for him, proud that the young child showed such interest in architecture. Gradually as our National Library expanded and carried a wide range of books it was less necessary to buy books off the shelves other than for Christmas presents.

Today's news about MPH closing its last 2 outlets (in the face of the Amazon onslaught and high rental) made me nostalgic. It seems to signal the passing of a phase that has to make way for another, both in the world at large and in my own life.

It's not a Joke

During the workshop for children from divorced families, I flashed the myth and truth on the screen which reads "Myth 2 - I can get mum and dad back again". I asked for feedback how many of them believed so. and then discussed what made them think that way. After that I flashed on the screen the truth which reads:

 " Truth 2- No matter how hard you try you can't get your mom and dad back together again"

One vocal 8 year old girl immediately responded "That's so mean"

No really knowing the context she made this remark I softened my voice to ask why she said that.

She replied, "It's so mean to say that"

After a slight pause and touching my heart I asked " It hurts to hear that is it?" She nodded.

Now I have to tell the children to accept the hard truth. Earlier in the session I gave an example of what the word 'myth' means. I told the kids it's like believing that Santa Claus will deposit a present for children every Christmas. All the children laughed in agreement that is not true.

I then leached on this example to explain that the earlier we accept the truth the faster it is for us to get over the pain. Using my normal library story telling drama I enacted the frustration of a child who year after year hung on to the belief that Santa Claus will deliver a present and feeling disappointed and angry. Instead the child should just accept the truth and think of other means to get the desired Christmas present.

Reflecting and writing this I feel I have used a very good metaphor and deserve a pat on the back. This is good resourcing for me because I had walked out of the workshop drained with a dry throat and bit of headache. It is really not easy to hold the attention of 7 primary school children for  2 hours discussing a subject which hurts them to the core and perhaps wish to forget. I have also observed that the children are really very precocious. At one juncture when I was going through a list of common worries that children from divorced families have, a child remarked "Now I have more things to worry about".

Conducting this type of workshop is a far cry from the freely expressive story telling session at the library where you step out feeling light and smiling. Even there it is necessary to hold the attention of the children for half an hour albeit in merriment. At the divorce workshops however you have to ensure a checklist of topics prescribed by MSF is covered and the poor kids have to attend three 2 hour sessions over 3 weeks. For one who is so used to fooling around at story telling sessions I have to tone down, be sensitive and stop being a CLOWN, for divorce is not a JOKE.