Listen to your child

Today I went to http://podcast.com and downloaded a conversation with a professor of Child Psychiatry in Yale University on the topic of helping children manage their fears. The main takeaway from this particular broadcast was the need to help children process their fears and to avoid dismissing them. The professor began by quoting a passage from the book "The Night of the Hunter" by David Grubb:

"And in the shadow of the branch beneath the moon the child sees a tiger and the old ones say: There is no tiger! Go to sleep! And when they sleep it is a tiger's sleep and a tiger's night and a tiger's breathing at the window pane......Each one (child) is mute and alone because there is no word for a child's fear and no ear to heed it and no one to understand it if heard."

We must try and understand the source of fears of the child. An example that is being mentioned is a child's fears of monsters. An adult may dismiss the child's fears by saying there are no monsters in this world. However we need to understand the root of such fears. There are external fears (eg. where harmony may have been threatened by violence, loss etc whether at home or in the community) as well as internal fears. Even in a harmonious environment, the child faces fears from within. So one may be puzzled about the origin of the monster scare. We can then help the child process by asking what about the monster the child is afraid of. As the child will likely tell you that the monster will eat or bash him/her up, it points to some aggression or anger which the child has within. The professor then alluded such anger to the child having to come to terms that at bedtime, he or she has to be alone and that mum and dad have a relationship of their own and that he is no longer the centre of the universe and that he may be jealous about it. If the child is given the opportunity to talk, be heard and be understood, he/she will be able to process the details of his/her fears and at the same time learn to manage the underlying anxieties of aloneness.

The above calls to mind statements from a book I read which encourages adults/counsellors to listen to the child's stories at play or at therapy:

"The paradox for the hopeless child is that there is much hope in being able to find someone who can really hear and be with their hopelessness"

Often children process their feelings and difficulties through media other than conversation. Play and stories (example when a child tells a story using puppets or miniature toys) assist in their emotional digestive system and we can help by listening and feeling with them. Of course you can also help the child find resources to help him/her out of the difficulties by prompting questions like "what do you think X (character of the story) wants to feel or how do you think we can help X feel better etc, but not before the child is ready. As long as the child wants you to be with his pain, stay with him, listening, mirroring and empathising.


(Hmm..Maybe we adults should also reflect upon our own internal fears which may not have been processed all these years)