My thoughts today are reflections after hearing a podcast whereby a psychiatrist related a comment from his client. The youth (client) had shared that he felt so much worse attaining 99 marks than when scoring marks much lower. This was because he kept on ruminating over what he could have done to achieve the perfect 100. His list of "shoulds" was long. Do be wary of your children developing what I shall term "the 99 mark scourge".
A child who does very well within the narrow confines of scoring As or winning medals and being rewarded by approval from authority figures like teachers and parents as well as peers, may be quite lost once they leave school and college. The quandary sets in when they are faced with the multi facets of life and when it dawns on them that they can't be perfect in everything. Heaven forbids but the ingrained perfectionist attitude may hang around them like a plague, a scourge. They may want to achieve everything, want to max out their existence to win approval perhaps now not from real authority figures but more from their own internalised authority figure (their ego). If they are bosses they may become very frustrated with the seemingly lackadaisical traits of their collegues. Always tense, they may also become easily irritated and dissatisfied with obstacles that slow them down in achieving more. Instead of enjoying people, warts, nuisances and incompetencies inclusive, they may feel being hampered all the time. For those who are more self aware they know they can not be parents for they can never be "perfect" both at parenting and achieving excellence for themselves. Now you see why we have the problem of not being replaced.
So be wary of encouraging the one track pursuit of achieving 99 marks because the consequences of the scourge can be a long lasting pest that feeds on happiness.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
The Rain
The rain came after we did the first set of taiji. The group had to retreat to the concourse of the club building and made do with the space between the big screen and the sofa sets laid out for the viewing of the world cup. Moving to a different spot calls for some re-orientation as the taiji movements involve several turns of the body. At the cordorned off section of the car park where we usually practise, landmarks like a tree, a lamp post or the poolside cafe help guide the facing after each turn. Without these landmarks, we can't afford to let our minds drift but have to be conscious of each movement.
Half way through, 3 youths probably in their late teens or early twenties who were earlier on chatting by the poolside stepped into the concourse and lounged themselves on the sofa. One threw his head back on the sofa and stared at the rain pattering on the glass ceiling, another sat and stared at us blankly like a rock whilst the third gazed through us at the rain outside. They were wearing T-shirts that bear a little state flag. They are probably state swimmers waiting for the rain to stop before training commenced.
A little while later, a little mynah hopped in through the glass door left ajar by the boys. It flew a little distance to where the sofa sets were. Finding some crumbs it hopped further and further in and vanished in sight.
The rain disrupted the routine of the above 3 species. It jostled drifters who live the rhythm of life mindlessly to be more aware of each move. It arrested the youngsters and forced them to spend a quiet moment engaging the rain and the slower rhythmic and perhaps incomprehensible world of the older folks. It provided the mynah a chance to venture into a less travelled path to discover some rare finds.
"When shall we three meet again in thunder, lightning, or in rain? When the hurlyburly 's done, When the battle 's lost and won." (Act I, Scene I Macbeth)
Half way through, 3 youths probably in their late teens or early twenties who were earlier on chatting by the poolside stepped into the concourse and lounged themselves on the sofa. One threw his head back on the sofa and stared at the rain pattering on the glass ceiling, another sat and stared at us blankly like a rock whilst the third gazed through us at the rain outside. They were wearing T-shirts that bear a little state flag. They are probably state swimmers waiting for the rain to stop before training commenced.
A little while later, a little mynah hopped in through the glass door left ajar by the boys. It flew a little distance to where the sofa sets were. Finding some crumbs it hopped further and further in and vanished in sight.
The rain disrupted the routine of the above 3 species. It jostled drifters who live the rhythm of life mindlessly to be more aware of each move. It arrested the youngsters and forced them to spend a quiet moment engaging the rain and the slower rhythmic and perhaps incomprehensible world of the older folks. It provided the mynah a chance to venture into a less travelled path to discover some rare finds.
"When shall we three meet again in thunder, lightning, or in rain? When the hurlyburly 's done, When the battle 's lost and won." (Act I, Scene I Macbeth)
Saturday, June 26, 2010
The Dentist
Went for a root canal treatment last week. Despite assurances from the dentist at a prior consultation that I will feel no pain, I was still fearful of the injections that will render the numbness. My skeptism was partly due to the dentist's behaviour in dismissing my "fears" and probably silently mocking at my cowardice.
It turned out that I actually felt no pain at all. I am quite amazed that the injections into the gum were painless. It could probably be due to the skill and gentleness of the dentist. I was pleasantly surprised. However my hunch that the guy is cold and unsympathetic proves to be true. Throughout the one hour procedure he nagged and pecked at the poor dental nurse relentlessly. He found fault at her tardiness in fetching the equipment, nagged at her absent mindedness when she fumbled amongst the drawers to get the required parts/accessories and mocked that she forgot what she had studied. I gathered the nurse is probably a Malaysian because the dentist was bemoaning about the details required in the application form for her work permit or something. At one instance he called for some heating tool. When she asked him whether it was the black or the blue coloured one he needed, he sarcastically asked her, "Do you need me to try on you in order that you will remember?" My eyes rolled. Had I not been wearing the big goggles to shield the dentist lamp, I am quite confident the dentist would have noticed, given that my facial expressions always reflect my feelings very well. I think his behaviour tentamount to mental abuse given that she has to stay in the same room with him the entire day.
At a dinner amongst a small gathering of ex-counselling course mates and our lecturer, I shared with them my root canal procedure and more interestingly the dentist's behaviour. My ex-lecturer remarked that dentists have the highest suicide rate. We all laughed but she suspected it was because dentists generally feel they are being abhored. You go to the dentist out of sheer necessity and suffer the pain and fright. In addition you hate him for robbing you. Moreover there is very little time for a dentist to build rapport with the clients. The clients have to yank their mouth wide opened once on the dentist chair and prefer to scuttle off the minute they step out of it after bearing with all the drilling noise and sensation. Hence unlike a doctor, the dentist do not receive the appreciation that patients normally bestow a doctor.
That reminds me of a podcast I heard on the topic of compassion by a Buddhist teacher. The speaker spoke about how small acts of compassion can evoke the tenderness in a person and consequentially arouses a sense of well being. He gave the example of how kissing and tugging a child to bed does make one feels good. Perhaps dentists can allocate more time for each appointment to include some small talk with the client or perhaps gracious gestures like allowing the client to choose from a selection of dvd to be played as background music etc. I am sure they will be rewarded with a smile from the client which will give them more positive energy. In the long run the money they sacrifice in having less appointments is well worth it.
I still have 2 more appointments before the procedure is complete. This time I may decline wearing the goggles and let him see my eyes roll and roll if he does exhibit the same mental abusive behaviour. Hmm..... maybe that is a bit too risky. What if he is really neurotic? He may pretend to accidentally drop the drill onto my gums when he sees my rolling eyes! Perhaps it is safer just to offer him my ideas discussed above.
It turned out that I actually felt no pain at all. I am quite amazed that the injections into the gum were painless. It could probably be due to the skill and gentleness of the dentist. I was pleasantly surprised. However my hunch that the guy is cold and unsympathetic proves to be true. Throughout the one hour procedure he nagged and pecked at the poor dental nurse relentlessly. He found fault at her tardiness in fetching the equipment, nagged at her absent mindedness when she fumbled amongst the drawers to get the required parts/accessories and mocked that she forgot what she had studied. I gathered the nurse is probably a Malaysian because the dentist was bemoaning about the details required in the application form for her work permit or something. At one instance he called for some heating tool. When she asked him whether it was the black or the blue coloured one he needed, he sarcastically asked her, "Do you need me to try on you in order that you will remember?" My eyes rolled. Had I not been wearing the big goggles to shield the dentist lamp, I am quite confident the dentist would have noticed, given that my facial expressions always reflect my feelings very well. I think his behaviour tentamount to mental abuse given that she has to stay in the same room with him the entire day.
At a dinner amongst a small gathering of ex-counselling course mates and our lecturer, I shared with them my root canal procedure and more interestingly the dentist's behaviour. My ex-lecturer remarked that dentists have the highest suicide rate. We all laughed but she suspected it was because dentists generally feel they are being abhored. You go to the dentist out of sheer necessity and suffer the pain and fright. In addition you hate him for robbing you. Moreover there is very little time for a dentist to build rapport with the clients. The clients have to yank their mouth wide opened once on the dentist chair and prefer to scuttle off the minute they step out of it after bearing with all the drilling noise and sensation. Hence unlike a doctor, the dentist do not receive the appreciation that patients normally bestow a doctor.
That reminds me of a podcast I heard on the topic of compassion by a Buddhist teacher. The speaker spoke about how small acts of compassion can evoke the tenderness in a person and consequentially arouses a sense of well being. He gave the example of how kissing and tugging a child to bed does make one feels good. Perhaps dentists can allocate more time for each appointment to include some small talk with the client or perhaps gracious gestures like allowing the client to choose from a selection of dvd to be played as background music etc. I am sure they will be rewarded with a smile from the client which will give them more positive energy. In the long run the money they sacrifice in having less appointments is well worth it.
I still have 2 more appointments before the procedure is complete. This time I may decline wearing the goggles and let him see my eyes roll and roll if he does exhibit the same mental abusive behaviour. Hmm..... maybe that is a bit too risky. What if he is really neurotic? He may pretend to accidentally drop the drill onto my gums when he sees my rolling eyes! Perhaps it is safer just to offer him my ideas discussed above.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Listen to your child
Today I went to http://podcast.com and downloaded a conversation with a professor of Child Psychiatry in Yale University on the topic of helping children manage their fears. The main takeaway from this particular broadcast was the need to help children process their fears and to avoid dismissing them. The professor began by quoting a passage from the book "The Night of the Hunter" by David Grubb:
"And in the shadow of the branch beneath the moon the child sees a tiger and the old ones say: There is no tiger! Go to sleep! And when they sleep it is a tiger's sleep and a tiger's night and a tiger's breathing at the window pane......Each one (child) is mute and alone because there is no word for a child's fear and no ear to heed it and no one to understand it if heard."
We must try and understand the source of fears of the child. An example that is being mentioned is a child's fears of monsters. An adult may dismiss the child's fears by saying there are no monsters in this world. However we need to understand the root of such fears. There are external fears (eg. where harmony may have been threatened by violence, loss etc whether at home or in the community) as well as internal fears. Even in a harmonious environment, the child faces fears from within. So one may be puzzled about the origin of the monster scare. We can then help the child process by asking what about the monster the child is afraid of. As the child will likely tell you that the monster will eat or bash him/her up, it points to some aggression or anger which the child has within. The professor then alluded such anger to the child having to come to terms that at bedtime, he or she has to be alone and that mum and dad have a relationship of their own and that he is no longer the centre of the universe and that he may be jealous about it. If the child is given the opportunity to talk, be heard and be understood, he/she will be able to process the details of his/her fears and at the same time learn to manage the underlying anxieties of aloneness.
The above calls to mind statements from a book I read which encourages adults/counsellors to listen to the child's stories at play or at therapy:
"The paradox for the hopeless child is that there is much hope in being able to find someone who can really hear and be with their hopelessness"
Often children process their feelings and difficulties through media other than conversation. Play and stories (example when a child tells a story using puppets or miniature toys) assist in their emotional digestive system and we can help by listening and feeling with them. Of course you can also help the child find resources to help him/her out of the difficulties by prompting questions like "what do you think X (character of the story) wants to feel or how do you think we can help X feel better etc, but not before the child is ready. As long as the child wants you to be with his pain, stay with him, listening, mirroring and empathising.
(Hmm..Maybe we adults should also reflect upon our own internal fears which may not have been processed all these years)
"And in the shadow of the branch beneath the moon the child sees a tiger and the old ones say: There is no tiger! Go to sleep! And when they sleep it is a tiger's sleep and a tiger's night and a tiger's breathing at the window pane......Each one (child) is mute and alone because there is no word for a child's fear and no ear to heed it and no one to understand it if heard."
We must try and understand the source of fears of the child. An example that is being mentioned is a child's fears of monsters. An adult may dismiss the child's fears by saying there are no monsters in this world. However we need to understand the root of such fears. There are external fears (eg. where harmony may have been threatened by violence, loss etc whether at home or in the community) as well as internal fears. Even in a harmonious environment, the child faces fears from within. So one may be puzzled about the origin of the monster scare. We can then help the child process by asking what about the monster the child is afraid of. As the child will likely tell you that the monster will eat or bash him/her up, it points to some aggression or anger which the child has within. The professor then alluded such anger to the child having to come to terms that at bedtime, he or she has to be alone and that mum and dad have a relationship of their own and that he is no longer the centre of the universe and that he may be jealous about it. If the child is given the opportunity to talk, be heard and be understood, he/she will be able to process the details of his/her fears and at the same time learn to manage the underlying anxieties of aloneness.
The above calls to mind statements from a book I read which encourages adults/counsellors to listen to the child's stories at play or at therapy:
"The paradox for the hopeless child is that there is much hope in being able to find someone who can really hear and be with their hopelessness"
Often children process their feelings and difficulties through media other than conversation. Play and stories (example when a child tells a story using puppets or miniature toys) assist in their emotional digestive system and we can help by listening and feeling with them. Of course you can also help the child find resources to help him/her out of the difficulties by prompting questions like "what do you think X (character of the story) wants to feel or how do you think we can help X feel better etc, but not before the child is ready. As long as the child wants you to be with his pain, stay with him, listening, mirroring and empathising.
(Hmm..Maybe we adults should also reflect upon our own internal fears which may not have been processed all these years)
Saturday, June 19, 2010
I Wish I am Young again
Suddenly the house is full of chatter. Daughter is back. After a whole morning of catching up, the sleepiness which usually comes in waves after a long flight, abrupty came over her and she fell into a deep slumber on the sofa. I was like one of the kids who attend my regular Friday story telling sessions, interested and engaged listening to her stories.
If there is at least one benefit that can be derived from sending your children overseas for education, it is the widening of your own outlook and horizon when they relate their experiences in countries where they study, visit, intern etc. Of much interest to me is to learn about the values, aspirations and behaviour of youngsters they meet in various cities. Even if we were to globe trot on our own it would be difficult for us to strike up conversation with youths in general. Given my self consciousness and reservations, I often need to pluck up enough courage to strike up conversation with strangers in a foreign land, what more with members of Generation Y with their liberal and radical outlook and digital technology savviness. To get the flavour of life and finer nuances of people in any country, you really need to stay for a period. When I was young I used to admire the life of authors who travelled and stayed in various countries writing anecdotes, sometimes amusing and often reflective.
I found it very stimulating listening to the observations my daughter made about cross border behavioural traits linking to the history behind each country. Of course it helps that she is a History major. I was rather enthralled when she shared with me her conversation with the Leftist friends of her Berlin host. Her description of the invisble Berlin wall brought to mind the show "The Lives of Others", one of the most engaging film I have watched about a East German secret agent (Stasi) who grew to love the works of an author whom he was supposed to spy on.
So as the conversations flowed, I noticed I became more alive. It seems to affirm a vague belief that I have been holding within me for awhile; the need to pursue learning to grow myself. For me of course, the field of new learning if it does materialise won't be about finance or anything technical but more in humanities. At dinner, in the midst of my daughter sharing tips and pointers with my son on studying abroad, I inadvertently let out a sigh and muttered "So exciting... how I wish I am young again". They of course retorted with comments about my persistent inaction to follow my heart and realising my dreams.
Hmmm... maybe it is time for the rusty backburners to be burning again.
If there is at least one benefit that can be derived from sending your children overseas for education, it is the widening of your own outlook and horizon when they relate their experiences in countries where they study, visit, intern etc. Of much interest to me is to learn about the values, aspirations and behaviour of youngsters they meet in various cities. Even if we were to globe trot on our own it would be difficult for us to strike up conversation with youths in general. Given my self consciousness and reservations, I often need to pluck up enough courage to strike up conversation with strangers in a foreign land, what more with members of Generation Y with their liberal and radical outlook and digital technology savviness. To get the flavour of life and finer nuances of people in any country, you really need to stay for a period. When I was young I used to admire the life of authors who travelled and stayed in various countries writing anecdotes, sometimes amusing and often reflective.
I found it very stimulating listening to the observations my daughter made about cross border behavioural traits linking to the history behind each country. Of course it helps that she is a History major. I was rather enthralled when she shared with me her conversation with the Leftist friends of her Berlin host. Her description of the invisble Berlin wall brought to mind the show "The Lives of Others", one of the most engaging film I have watched about a East German secret agent (Stasi) who grew to love the works of an author whom he was supposed to spy on.
So as the conversations flowed, I noticed I became more alive. It seems to affirm a vague belief that I have been holding within me for awhile; the need to pursue learning to grow myself. For me of course, the field of new learning if it does materialise won't be about finance or anything technical but more in humanities. At dinner, in the midst of my daughter sharing tips and pointers with my son on studying abroad, I inadvertently let out a sigh and muttered "So exciting... how I wish I am young again". They of course retorted with comments about my persistent inaction to follow my heart and realising my dreams.
Hmmm... maybe it is time for the rusty backburners to be burning again.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Perth & Gulf Pelican
Made a short trip to Perth last weekend. The picture of the beautiful pelican was taken at Mandurah, a beach resort about 80km from Perth. The lone pelican seemed to be basking in the clean air and fine weather. Its beauty attracted quite a few photographers. After I took the picture I remarked to my husband that the pelican was so much luckier that the ones at the gulf where the BP oil spill occurred (see contrasting picture).
The pictures in today's Sunday Times of birds drenched in oil evoke feelings of sadness. Somehow it also reminds us that things can happen unpredictably which are beyond our control, just like what befell the birds at the Gulf. Like the Perth pelican we must relish every good moment.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Still Searching- A Review
Reading about former business associates in the news, their achievement and success, reminds me often of the "power" and identity that is lost once I gave out my position in the corporate world. In that world, a person is valued by the influence and authority he or she has in bringing about business dealings. To this day I still shudder at the abruptness social contact is disconnected once people know you are retiring from your field for good. I am still coming to terms with my naiveness in believing that these people (whom I have dealt with for years) have become my friends. To some extent there is a bit of disillusionment with people and a feeling of voidness. A person who opts for early retirement or a complete career switch must be mentally prepared for this sudden loss of identity.
One then enters into a period of deep reflection and inward search of one's true self which has been overshadowed by one's job identity. A whole spectrum of feelings will be experienced. In one sense you relish the real freedom to decide how you want to live henceforth, uninhibited by financial obligations for your children. The choice is yours, just yours, whether you want to continue focusing on money and the prestige and recogntion it brings or decide on a simpler life and find other joys. This sense of "freedom" is interspersed with feeling of bewilderment because it is not at all easy to know what you really want and who you really are. It calls for a re-defintion of yourself. It started when you feel instinctively that the old identity no longer fits your true self, although you have not the faintest idea what the true self is. You now have to learn to listen deeply to yourself. So you engage with activities that help you do that like being with nature, reading, having quiet time day dreaming, attending art or cooking class etc. It will take a long time and it can be rather erratic. For instance, one day I will toy with the idea of turning one room in my house into a mini library and me conducting story telling sessions. Another day I wonder whether my brains is still agile enough to pursue another degree. Yet another instance I dream of writing a children's book.
I guess we women are luckier than the men. Instinctively I think women find joy in nurturing, be it our own or others. In that sense our journey to discover our real self may not be so fraught with despair.
One then enters into a period of deep reflection and inward search of one's true self which has been overshadowed by one's job identity. A whole spectrum of feelings will be experienced. In one sense you relish the real freedom to decide how you want to live henceforth, uninhibited by financial obligations for your children. The choice is yours, just yours, whether you want to continue focusing on money and the prestige and recogntion it brings or decide on a simpler life and find other joys. This sense of "freedom" is interspersed with feeling of bewilderment because it is not at all easy to know what you really want and who you really are. It calls for a re-defintion of yourself. It started when you feel instinctively that the old identity no longer fits your true self, although you have not the faintest idea what the true self is. You now have to learn to listen deeply to yourself. So you engage with activities that help you do that like being with nature, reading, having quiet time day dreaming, attending art or cooking class etc. It will take a long time and it can be rather erratic. For instance, one day I will toy with the idea of turning one room in my house into a mini library and me conducting story telling sessions. Another day I wonder whether my brains is still agile enough to pursue another degree. Yet another instance I dream of writing a children's book.
I guess we women are luckier than the men. Instinctively I think women find joy in nurturing, be it our own or others. In that sense our journey to discover our real self may not be so fraught with despair.
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