When I was small I thrived to be praised by my mother. Amongst the 5 children in the family I was the most hardworking and apparently cared most about the family. So I not only did my fair share of the household chores and helping out in the shop but was also half a nanny to my younger brother. Perhaps only then could I distinguish myself and got my mother's attention and approval. But I did not carry out these chores with a smiling face, quite the contrary I used to pull a long face because they deprived me of much valuable time for play and homework. In fact I did not play at all and even today I don't really know how to have fun. If I don't do something useful I feel listless and moody. Now with the school vacation approaching I began to wonder again how to make myself "useful". This reminds me of an earlier blog where I questioned who I was actually trying to help when a student did not respond as if I was of help to him.
Today, however after a small incident that sent me into a whirlpool of reflection, I suddenly whispered to myself "maybe there is no need to be the "good" girl all the time. It is ok if mama had called me lazy, selfish and good for nothing". I do not need to apologize for being that. In my recollection I can count perhaps ony 2 to 3 times she called me that. Isn't that too high a price to pay for such an achievement?
With that thought I suddenly felt a huge relief. I gave myself permission to stop caring about certain things and felt no guilt watching a TV serial for hours.
Ain't I pathetic? But well, at least like an onion, I have peeled off one layer of skin to know myself.
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2 comments:
Is it more of a girl-psychology?
Hmm...you mean as in a daughter's struggles in an asian family during our times?
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