Found- little pleaure that slipped away

Of recent days I notice I begin to sing again. Perhaps with new found privacy (without a maid in the house), and having the music on whilst doing housework, I find myself singing at the staircase, imitating Sarah Brightman whilst my voice echoed the house.

I have always loved singing (sang in choirs) and used to sing in the privacy of my bathroom. I didn't notice my bathroom has been silent for a long long time. It didn't occur to me I have stopped singing in the bathroom for many many years. If I recall, the bathroom singing became less and less often since my ex company began restructuring, brought in the ang mohs and my immediate bosses came and went. I think my singing (choir and bathroom) came to a total halt when the company pursued overseas expansion.

I remembered when I was younger, I ever thought to myself if there is an after life and I can choose my life, I would want to be a professional singer in musicals. The happiness you get, hearing your voice reach those notes that make the song so beautiful, is a blessing.

I am now quite puzzled why I let the music just slipped out of my life for so many years. Didn't I know that even when I was stressed at work, music could have lifted me? Why is it that when you are stressed you become irrational and so deep into your problems, that you are just not able to detach and look at the bigger life picture, and you just can not form any music notes?

Since I resigned a number of people have asked me how much it takes to walk away from your job and try something new. For me, if my job takes away the little pleasures without me realising they have slipped away , it is time to think and prioritise. I guess every situation is a trade. I get so much money in exchange for this and that. I get less money but I get this and that. To each his or her own, there is no right or wrong. If your greatest joy is to have power and status, then slogging at work 24/7 has it purpose. And in doing so you shut yourself out from everything else, but you know for sure power and status is the all consuming want that will bring you the greatest joy on earth, then I think you will not fret at other sacrifices. Just know what you truly want!!

Just like newly married minus the romance

Ha, my maid has gone home for good. With the kids away, my husband and I are developing a new rountine with the household chores. As we split the responsibilities, I got this deja vue feeling that dates back to more than 2 decades when we were newly married.

Yeh we were just married then, had just moved into our new house and had not engaged a maid till the kids came along. I remembered it was like 2 children playing "masak masak' (child play at cooking and housekeeping), always wondering whether that's the way the real adults keep house. I remember I tried to act like a good old traditional Asian wife taking on the cooking etc and feeling lousy when the food didn't turn out well.

Twenty odd years later, we are again experiencing keeping house without a maid. Only this time round, romance being scarce if not absent, it is best that duties be well defined. And, I do not feel bad at all if he declares me a hopeless housewife hahaha.

Market turmoil- Resort to "guai guai" do homework

Well, perhaps the only comfort is I am not alone. Apart from the smart alecs who liquidate their stock portfolio before this equity meltdown, even people who just stay invested would have mourned for not selling when the going was good.
OK my hardwork for the whole of 2007 have been completely wiped out. Those effort looking up good dividend stocks, hours listening to CNBC, reading analysts' shitty reports, going to NLB to makes use of the free Bloomberg services, all gone down to the drain. With hindsight should have spent my time more fruitfully reading my counselling course's thick materials to get deeper insight into the subject. Instead I was often distracted to make quick buck and stayed glued to the screen.
Nevertheless on a more positive note, I tell myself:
1) At least I have followed a strict discipline of having a balanced portfolio ie. bonds, equity, property. (At the height of the equity market performance, I had been tempted over and over again to switch from bonds to stocks. Fortunately I was reminded by my treasury training of the importance of a balanced portfolio).
2) Now that my couselling course is in full steam, and the bear in the equity market is best to be left alone to savage the bull, I shall "guai guai" (behave conscientiously) do my assignments and spend more time on the thick reading material; as well as not feel fustrated doing housework (maid has left). After all no point looking at the screen and feeling the loss, hahaah.

Hey but one more important positive note. Total return of equity is still good in the long term. If you have invested in equities in 2003/4 and stay invested, the total return todate far outweigh the return from bonds, even with the current correction. So as Warren Buffet says you can't time the market, just invest in companies you feel have value, dont bother about the price daily movement and review your balance sheet once a while. Cheers!

I said "Hi" to my Little Self

To discover aspects of the child that we were and to a large extent the child that we are now, we were guided by our lecturer to meet our inner child. It is important to be in touch with your inner child to understand why you have certain "inherent" behaviour, beliefs and feelings. You can also give the child what it needed all these years.

After some breathing exercise to put us in a totally relaxed mode, we were asked to reflect and think about ourselves as a child, any age that came into mind. We then pictured the child in a safe place where our adult self could have a quiet and safe conversation. Once we had the image of our child, we used our non-dominant hand (NDH)to draw the picture of the child in that safe place. When the drawing was completed, we were asked to spend some time looking at the picture to see what it was telling us, the thoughts and feelings. We then wrote it down on a second sheet of paper. In this second sheet of paper and with our dominant hand (DH) we started off by introducing ourselves to our little self and asked the little one whether it was ok to have a little chat. Then using our non dominant hand (NDH) we wrote the little child's response. After that the conversation continues using the DH and the NDH.

I pictured myself around 4 years old. I was in the care of my grandmother in Singapore whilst my family including all my elder siblings moved to KL. (I subsequently joined my family at 5). In my mind the 4 year old girl had short bobby hairstyle with a round face and stomach. The safe place was in a small corner leading to a flight of steps in those old shophouses. My grandma stayed in a shop house and used to bring me to buy tobacco leaves from a candy woman who sold cigarettes and sweets at a corner of the landing leading to a stairwell. The two old ladies loved to chat. It was a safe place for me as I remembered lying on my grandma's lap whilst she chatted with the candy woman. Inevitably their conversation would lead to how "guai" I was. The dialogue between me and my little self went on as follow:

Adult me: Hi! Know me? Guess who? It's me your bigger self. Can we talk?
Child: YOU ARE ME? REALLY? Of course we can chat.
Adult me: How old are you?
Child: 4
Adult me: Hey how are you? Having fun?
Child: So so. Popo (grandma) and da jiu fu( first uncle) spoil me.
Adult me: You love them?
Child:Yes I am happy with them.
Adult me: What do you enjoy most doing?
Child: Nothing specifically but I want more people to play with.Where are the rest, mama and baba? Who is my baba, I have never seen him ? Why am I not with them?
Adult me: See, it is not easy to take care of so many kids in a new place, so you have to stay with popo for the time being.
Child: Hmmm... is it a good place, this KL?
Adult me: Well, you may not really like it but there is some good side to it. (At this juncture, my adult self wanted to warn the child she will be joining hell but couldn't bring myself to say that to a child).
(Fortunately, lecturer said to wind up and asked us to tell the child we will chat some other time)
Adult me: May be I will let you know more about our KL home some other time. Anything you want to let me know before I go?
Child: Oh.. I am fine here, but I wonder a lot about my family?
Adult me: No worries you will soon get to know them, basically despite everything they are not a bad bunch.
(conversation ended)
When my lecturer came around and heard me relating our dialogue, her insight was this. Very often adults made major moves without explaining sufficiently to the children involved.
As we were supposed to discuss in groups I had consciously selected an age when I was safe. In the quiet of my own home and when alone, I shall pluck up enough courage to have a conversation with my little self at an age when she suffered most.

Those Amusing Salesmen

Hey I must record this. For the first time in my life I spent time watching demonstrations on the use of houseware.
Used to be when I was working and time was so precious, the limited time for shopping had to be efficient. Whenever I passed a crowd gathered to watch salesmen peddling their housewares at departmental stores, I thought of the crowd as "people who had nothing better to do" ( with a tinge of disdain ).
Today I went to Tangs to look for the perfect wok and the most efficient mop (maid retiring soon- she also had enough!). Stayed to watch one saleslady demonstrating the use of anodised wok and a saleman demonstrating the use of the most wonderful German mop. If you want free entertainment or a good laugh just hop into the household section of a big department store. These people really know how to spice up their sales talk. They are so funny and so spontaneous. Funny people, there are not many around nowadays. Anyhow I enjoyed my trip to Tangs household section. My past snobbishness deprived me of much fun which fortunately I discovered today.

A Case of Imposed Values

(Written by Vicky Sanders, counsellor in private practice. The name of the client is disguised but the emerging theme, action plans and occurrence are essentially true. Extracted)

Name: William, Age: 56, Married, Profession-Medical doctor.
Problem: Cyclical debilitating depression.

Factors that emerged during exploration:
Client had grown up in a very wealthy but austere family. Money was made and saved but rarely spent. The family only valued people with extreme wealth. The client had become a successful medical practitioner. He had also attempted to make even more money by investing in various stocks and shares...and he had lost money. He had left his private practice some 8 years previously to work in a corporate setting because he believed he had the capacity to "rise to the top". He had a reputation of being "tough" and autocratic. He disliked this reputation because it didn't seem to "fit" his internal experience but he believed it to be necessary in order to get the job done. He was promoted but then the organisational culture changed as a result of a change of CEO and he found himself being overtaken for promotional positions. The client felt devastated, cheated and bewildered. His marriage was convenient and suitable for his status- but unloving. His 4 children were adult, but still financially dependent on him. He realised, as he talked, that he had tried to give them some of the indulgence he didn't get as a child. Overall this client felt useless.

Themes that emerged:
The pervasive feeling of uselessness experienced by the client was because he had adopted a family culture that hadn't really satisfied him as he was growing up or as an adult. He had lived his life in accordance with the values of "toughness", wealth creation and personal austerity- but he had also been an indulgent father to "make up" for the love he didn't receive. He realised in talking that he had been trying all his life to accumulate wealth quickly- so that he could do what he really wanted to do. He actually enjoyed reading, creative writing, cooking- and he yearned to have joy and fun in his life.

Specific deficits that emerged:
The client was experiencing the paralysing feeling of worthlessness and depression because he couldn't find a way to abandon the values that had imposed on him as a child in favour of the values that are more harmonious with his internal experience. He desperately needed to do so because he was stagnating and "drying up"- personally and professionally.

Plans for action that were made:
- client to explore the financial implications of leaving his current position
- client to explore opportunities for working from home as a consultant on a part time basis
- client to discuss his feelings with his wife to assess her willingness to support a change in their circumstances

What has happened:
Client discussed situation with his wife and was surprised to find that she would be relieved if he left work. She was concerned for his health...and believed they could manage adequately. Client and his wife reshaped their finances- including informing the children that they could no longer support them. The client learned to cook exceptionally well and he enjoys catering for family and friends enormously. Client occasionally compares himself unfavourably with richer people, but is able to "shake himself out" of that comparison by reminding himself of the joy he now has.

Pyschosocial Development 2

(contd from previous post..)

Continuing Erikson's tension through various stages

5) Adolescence, Age 14 to 20, tension is "Identity vs Role Confusion"
This stage sees the seeking of an identity in society. The danger is role confusion, uncertainty of who one is and what is one to become. Often this results in a temporary over identification with a clannish group. Even the development of a negative (self destructive) or socially unacceptable identity may be prefered to no identity.


6) Young Adulthood, Age 21-35, tension is "Intimacy vs Isolation"
Intimacy is the preparedness to share, compromise and sacrifice, a commitment to relationship or partnership, leading to a sense of connectedness. In this stage if the threat of ego loss is too great, the person will avoid intimate relationship often giving rise to a sense of isolation or self absorption.Yet for some, intimacy provides the solution to the identity crisis of the previous stage. Such relationship results in a burden on the other partner to provide an identity for 2 people.


7) Middle Adult, Age 30 to 65 (very broad huh), tension is "Generativity vs Stagnation"
Generativity is the interest in establishing and guiding the next generation, expressed usually through forms of creativity and altruistic concerns.It really comes from the word generate, "everything that is generated from generation to generation, children, products, ideas and works of art"-(Erikson).
Stagnation refers to lack of interest in others and the tendency to be self focused and self indulgent.Failure to attain generativity may lead to personal impoverishment.

8) Older Age, above 65, tension is Ego Integrity vs Despair
Ego integrity is the acceptance of one's life for what it has been and freedom from excessive regret for what it has not been. Lack of such integrity leads to despair. Such despair is usually hidden behind a show of disgust or contemptuous displeasure with certain institution or people. This is probably a projection of the individual's disgust with himself.

Psychosocial Development

Hmm.....Got my study guides and reading material for the next 2 modules of my course. So I use this blog to summarise what I have gathered as a means to remember what I have read.

There are many theories relating to psychosocial development. Of course we have Freud's focus on the unconscious, childhood experiences and psychosexual development.

But I find Erik Erikson's theories of psychosocial development very interesting and easier to relate. Erikson believes that in a life-time there are 8 stages of critical tension to be resolved.

1) At Infancy up to 1 year old the tension is "Basic Trust vs Basic Mistrust". A positive development at this stage arises when an infant learns that his basic needs will be attended to and although the caregiver may not be immediately present when his needs arise, they will be taken care of subsequently, hence the needless anxiety and anger. In addition to developing a sense of trust, another healthy development is confidence in oneself and a sense of inner certainty. A negative development would be a low sense of basic trust with a pessimistic worldview.

2) At Early Childhood from age 1 to 6, the tension is "Autonomy vs Shame and Doubt". A child given choices accompanied by protection and guidance, develops a sense of autonomy and independence. Excessive control thwarts independence giving rise to a sense of inadequacy. Lack of guidance often results in repeated failure and when coupled with ridicule develops in the child a sense of shame and doubt .

3) At Play Age from 6 to 10, the tension is "Initiative vs Guilt". Erikson defines initiative as a truly free sense of enterprise largely governed by conscience. At this stage, the child begins to explore possible future roles for themselves, the kind of person they want to be, often toying with the idea of imitating their parents. Conscience comes with guilt. The virtue that results from this phase is purpose. In an overly inhibitive environment the child may become excessively good and obedient but may develop resentment especially when the parents themselves do not live up to the conscience they fostered. The consequence of excessive guilt aroused at this stage inhibits a child from living up to his capacities prefering to remain in the background.

4) At School Age from 10 to 14 years, the tension is "Industry vs Inferiority". At this stage the child learns the intellectual, technological and physical tools of his society. There is a desire to learn and to know accompanied by great curiosity. The risk is a sense of inadequacy and inferiority when there is an over emphasis on the importance of intellectual or technological competence. Instead of having an attitude " I will work hard to suceed", it becomes an attitude " I will work hard to avoid failing".

The first 4 stages result in the following convictions:

At stage 1 (trust vs mistrust), the belief that " I AM WHAT I AM GIVEN"
At stage 2 (autonomy vs shame), " I AM WHAT I WILL"
At stage 3 (initiative vs guilt), " I AM WHAT I CAN IMAGINE I WILL BE"
At stage 4 (industry vs inferiority), " I AM WHAT I LEARN"

to be contd....

Things I miss and don't

"Money, money, money, always sunny in a rich man's world"
" Money makes the world go round, the world go round.."

I would sing these 2 songs accompanied by cabaret kicks, when jesting with my children about the importance of money since their toddler days.

Maybe they grow up really thinking it was all a joke, hence their indifference towards a financial career. (well, I have myself to blame, haven't I?)

I have talked a lot about my resignation last year and the feelings that came with it. However, I have never mentioned whether I missed the money.

Unless you have really "arrived" I think you would definitely miss the everthere monthly inflow that comes rain or shine, be it you sleep on the job or you work till you drop dead. Now I am not one who blows a couple of thousands on a bag or a pair of shoes. Branded stuff doesn't appeal to me unless they are offered at 90% discount. Even at 90% discount, I would still be hesitant. So what do I miss from a monthly cashflow?

Ok thanks to my husband, household expenses are taken care off so I don't worry too much about that. Now what do I miss (sniff, sniff) and not miss:

1) The joy of seeing a stock (which I have bought using my last pay) goes up in price (money being an end in itself). "Too bad if the price dropped. Aahh... at least I didn't blow it on something that can only depreciate and never give dividend". This I miss. Now I kick myself when the price of the share (which I bought with my passive income) drops.

2) I don't really miss fine dining. We didn't dine at fancy restaurants even whilst I was working because my husband is a "value for money" person. We eat only at places that offer discounts using credit cards that we own. So not much difference. Besides I already have my fair share of good food at my previous job lunching with bankers, for more than a decade. Now is time to eat healthy and go back to my inherent contour.

3) As I have mentioned I don't buy branded bags, shoes, dresses, jewelleries. (My my I am so easy to upkeep. I must make my husband read this post). My readers probably think I am either a fool, a pathetic soul or a dullard. Hmmm...may not be wrong. I reckon I may be a bit of each, but the lucky thing is I don't really feel sad about that.

4) Ok I miss flying business class, trying out Airbus 380 to Sydney (sob, sob will never have a chance ever again). You know when watching the coverage on that inaugural flight on TV, I long for the pamperings, being addressed by name, the cabin seat which was ample for me, etc, etc. But my Ah Q jing shen told me I didn't really utterly enjoy because my mind was always burdened when travelling on business. So whatever lor, can not have the best of everything.

5) But I think I probably miss the "less of a budget constrain" type of travelling plans. But see circumstances have also changed. My children who used to accompany us dislike travelling to China. Now that they travel with us less often, my husband and I can take cheaper tours to the many places in China which we have always wanted to see.


Today in the Forum page in a letter entitled "Flashy yuppies paint themselves into a corner", someone lamented about yuppies with lucrative jobs having anxieties over building a large enough nest egg for a comfortable retirement. He reasoned that the yuppies are afflicted with "conspicuous consumption" brainwashed by ads that tell you how to look good, be it that suit, car or Da Vinci sofa set, all of which keep the cash register ringing.He lamented about the difference between the current "ethos of consumption" vs the thrift and austerity of past generations.

I hope people don't take him too seriously. Why? Because I bought shares of companies selling luxurious goods.