Yesterday I had a dream that probably sums up my feelings for the past year. In my dream I went back to work part time at my ex company. It was evening and I still had to redraft 2 papers, 2 big bundles of cheques to sign (actually that was never my job haha), and my in-tray was overflowing. I thought "hey this is crazy, I am supposed to work part-time". So I went to my ex-boss and told him that if he wanted me back part time he must let me go off at 6pm on those days I was working.
Then my dream switched to my son. It was morning and my son was sleeping at home. He had come back from camp late in the night whilst I was asleep. I was so happy.
Yes certain dreams are easy to interpret without Freudian psycho analysis. I actually still love parts of my former job and dream of returning to an utopian corporate minus the crazy hours, the stifling red tape and the monotony of certain routines (check signing?). The fact that I could give an ultimatum to my boss in my dream underscores a wish that I still have such leverage because of my abilities (this is an ego trip).
Oh the switch to the scene of my son. That's plain want of something. My son had called to say he will be on camp duty on New Year's Day. I feel sad for him and for myself as I was looking forward to have him around on the eve and on New Year day. (Daughter is thousands of miles away in US).
Hence that summarises what I went through in 2007. My resignation from my job gave rise to quite a lot of mixed feelings, relief yet loss, sense of freedom interspersed with boredom, excitement over new experiences mingled with nostalgia of good old days with my ex colleagues.
When my daughter left for overseas education and my son went into NS I had to learn to cope not only with a very quiet home; but also lending a patient ear to their new experiences and struggling to find the appropriate words of comfort for them.
Whatever my dreams are, I am definitely happy to continue with what I have embarked on, story telling, assisting in counselling, pursuing counselling course. I just need to explore further which area brings me more fulfilment. (Hey I think I really like to work with little kids, I get so much fun out of story telling. Some of you may want to try it out, you never know.) I have all the time to explore don't I? Haha!
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Friday, December 28, 2007
Sadness (contd)
More extracts from the book "The Emotional Toolkit"
The internal questioning phase will involve deep probing. But before that you must learn to relax. Sink yourself into a chair and breathe deeply. With each breath out imagine your body sinking heavier and heavier into the chair, until you feel like your body is hanging like a shirt on a hanger, and your body is heavy and limb. Continue breathing and free your mind from distractions.
Ask yourself what you are feeling and wait for your body to respond. If the feeling is accurate you may feel a slight sense of relaxation. If not try asking yourself how else are you feeling. Usually when you get the right feeling your body will relax or you may cry. Once the feeling is identified continue probing what is the underlying core issue, what are you afraid of losing. You will know that the internal questioning process is complete when you feel a sense of closure, signalling you have figured out what you need to know for the moment.
A bit about Negative Self Talk
Negative self talk is related to habit, schema or temperament.
Negative self talk can be a habit. This happens when for eg. an unfavourable comment passed on you is internalised and reinforced over time. You then develop an automatic response and self talk. Ask yourself whether the negative things you describe yourself are facts or just what you have always said to yourself.
Unsupportive schema began when you make assumptions based on your experiences. For eg if a child from a broken family believed from young she was responsible for her parents’ divorce, she may carry a schema that she is flawed and unlovable and that relationships never last and perhaps that life is unpredictable and unsafe.
Lastly the inherent temperament of a person also contributes to his/her worrying nature for example. Knowing one’s temperament allows oneself more time to feel comfortable with new experiences.
Positive Self Talk
Say more positive things to yourself, for eg.
“I’ll just take it slowly” or “I know I can do this"
Self talk is a function of habit. Find your own supportive statement, i.e. one that is natural to you, for eg.
i) “in the end, most things will work out the way they should”
ii) “ I can handle most things”
iii) “even if I make mistakes I’m still ok”
iv) “ the worst that can happen is…..so what?”
Other useful mind tools include:
Emotional writing ( express it in paper-a few sentences at the end of the day)
Connection ("Throughout history people have used connections with small groups, with family and kinsfolk, with peers and the like-minded, to give themselves anchorage in stormy, shifting seas"- Alfred Katz, UCLA professor emeritus)
The internal questioning phase will involve deep probing. But before that you must learn to relax. Sink yourself into a chair and breathe deeply. With each breath out imagine your body sinking heavier and heavier into the chair, until you feel like your body is hanging like a shirt on a hanger, and your body is heavy and limb. Continue breathing and free your mind from distractions.
Ask yourself what you are feeling and wait for your body to respond. If the feeling is accurate you may feel a slight sense of relaxation. If not try asking yourself how else are you feeling. Usually when you get the right feeling your body will relax or you may cry. Once the feeling is identified continue probing what is the underlying core issue, what are you afraid of losing. You will know that the internal questioning process is complete when you feel a sense of closure, signalling you have figured out what you need to know for the moment.
A bit about Negative Self Talk
Negative self talk is related to habit, schema or temperament.
Negative self talk can be a habit. This happens when for eg. an unfavourable comment passed on you is internalised and reinforced over time. You then develop an automatic response and self talk. Ask yourself whether the negative things you describe yourself are facts or just what you have always said to yourself.
Unsupportive schema began when you make assumptions based on your experiences. For eg if a child from a broken family believed from young she was responsible for her parents’ divorce, she may carry a schema that she is flawed and unlovable and that relationships never last and perhaps that life is unpredictable and unsafe.
Lastly the inherent temperament of a person also contributes to his/her worrying nature for example. Knowing one’s temperament allows oneself more time to feel comfortable with new experiences.
Positive Self Talk
Say more positive things to yourself, for eg.
“I’ll just take it slowly” or “I know I can do this"
Self talk is a function of habit. Find your own supportive statement, i.e. one that is natural to you, for eg.
i) “in the end, most things will work out the way they should”
ii) “ I can handle most things”
iii) “even if I make mistakes I’m still ok”
iv) “ the worst that can happen is…..so what?”
Other useful mind tools include:
Emotional writing ( express it in paper-a few sentences at the end of the day)
Connection ("Throughout history people have used connections with small groups, with family and kinsfolk, with peers and the like-minded, to give themselves anchorage in stormy, shifting seas"- Alfred Katz, UCLA professor emeritus)
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Sadness
Sadness
(Extracts from “The Emotional Toolkit” by Darlene Mininni, directly lifting passages from the book with some changes to get the flow. Sometimes I give my own comments in parenthesis)
When you feel sad, you’re likely to find your thoughts focused on the negative aspects of a situation or yourself. These thoughts often revolve around the same theme: loss. This loss could be related to an object you value, or something less tangible like time.
At the bottom of sadness is loss (examples)
1) When not promoted. What is lost? “The positive impression I thought my boss has of my ability to lead” (I don't relate to this issue, haha)
2) Resigning from a job after 27 years(my own eg). What is lost? My old identity.
In developing a new part of your identity you lose another part of yourself. That’s why women will sometimes feel sad when they get married…..or make a decision to alter their lives for the better. Even though the changes are positive and frequently planned, there is still a letting-go and grieving that occur simultaneously. (Here I can relate. I do feel the pain resigning from my ex-company after 27 years; especially so when I feel my contributions in real financial terms and otherwise seem to pass unnoticed, sigh….)
Growth sadness can be magnified if a woman feels the need to change her old ways, but is unsure of what the change should be. (Here the book quote a real case of a lady called Miriam) For ten years Miriam worked as an accountant in a large organization. She enjoyed her job, but as time went on she found herself frustrated by the bureaucracy (phew..this is me..), stymied by the politics, and generally bored by her work. She knew it was time to move on. But to what? Miriam no longer wanted to be an accountant, but she wasn’t sure what she wanted to do with her life. The sadness she felt was underscored by her confusion. Her old identity as an accountant no longer fit her, but her new identity had not yet emerged…..Feeling sad can be a motivator for change….Miriam decided to create a plan to figure out what her new passions were, she talked with people in other fields to find out about their work, met with a career counsellor, and looked to her childhood to remember the things that gave her joy. During this time she still felt sad going to a job that no longer fit her identity, but she was consoled by the fact that she was on her way to discovering what her new identity was
Internal Questioning Process (this is just the first phase of the toolkit)
Identify the feeling ( for eg. “I’m feeling sad”). Ask about the core issue “what is the core thing I am losing”. When you identify that, you find your body will relax and you may cry.
To be continued....
(Extracts from “The Emotional Toolkit” by Darlene Mininni, directly lifting passages from the book with some changes to get the flow. Sometimes I give my own comments in parenthesis)
When you feel sad, you’re likely to find your thoughts focused on the negative aspects of a situation or yourself. These thoughts often revolve around the same theme: loss. This loss could be related to an object you value, or something less tangible like time.
At the bottom of sadness is loss (examples)
1) When not promoted. What is lost? “The positive impression I thought my boss has of my ability to lead” (I don't relate to this issue, haha)
2) Resigning from a job after 27 years(my own eg). What is lost? My old identity.
In developing a new part of your identity you lose another part of yourself. That’s why women will sometimes feel sad when they get married…..or make a decision to alter their lives for the better. Even though the changes are positive and frequently planned, there is still a letting-go and grieving that occur simultaneously. (Here I can relate. I do feel the pain resigning from my ex-company after 27 years; especially so when I feel my contributions in real financial terms and otherwise seem to pass unnoticed, sigh….)
Growth sadness can be magnified if a woman feels the need to change her old ways, but is unsure of what the change should be. (Here the book quote a real case of a lady called Miriam) For ten years Miriam worked as an accountant in a large organization. She enjoyed her job, but as time went on she found herself frustrated by the bureaucracy (phew..this is me..), stymied by the politics, and generally bored by her work. She knew it was time to move on. But to what? Miriam no longer wanted to be an accountant, but she wasn’t sure what she wanted to do with her life. The sadness she felt was underscored by her confusion. Her old identity as an accountant no longer fit her, but her new identity had not yet emerged…..Feeling sad can be a motivator for change….Miriam decided to create a plan to figure out what her new passions were, she talked with people in other fields to find out about their work, met with a career counsellor, and looked to her childhood to remember the things that gave her joy. During this time she still felt sad going to a job that no longer fit her identity, but she was consoled by the fact that she was on her way to discovering what her new identity was
Internal Questioning Process (this is just the first phase of the toolkit)
Identify the feeling ( for eg. “I’m feeling sad”). Ask about the core issue “what is the core thing I am losing”. When you identify that, you find your body will relax and you may cry.
To be continued....
Monday, December 17, 2007
Fear
Whilst waiting for the next module to commence and meanwhile having more time (no volunteering during school hol, I borrowed some books to explore more counseling skills and techniques. So as and when deemed useful I may post in my blog.
Extracts from the book “Intelligent Fear” by Michael Clarkson
Professional golfer Tiger Woods, “ I get very nervous before every shot. It’s how you deal with it that determines whether you will be a success.”
Identify your Fears
-Fear arises when you feel the demands exceed your “deemed" resources.
-Are you thinking negatively? Having unrealistic negative perception of your abilities to deal with the situation? The major problem is that we often see the situations as being too great to handle.
-Are you holding on to too much baggage from the past, a feeling of powerlessness?
Harnessing the energy of Fear
2 stage formula
1) Feel the fear. Feel glad and confident that you have it.
2) Change your fear to a dispassionate focus on skills. By redirecting fear energy you remove distractions and focus the energy on the task at hand. The focus is on the job at hand, now is the time. Develop your physical technique along with your emotional skills so that you learn to trust yourself.
Athletes at crisis points of a match use a similar method to conquer the fear of failure. “ In the moment of truth, they lose total self-awareness….They turn themselves over to their talent and their genes and let their ego get out of the way. It becomes an ideal harmony of mind and body.”
Another formula – 3 stage formula
Change the fear briefly into another passionate emotion- anger or excitement or love- and then channel the energy into the dispassionate work. The transformation must be swift: fear-to-passion-to-dispassion.
The method is taught by Massad Ayoob, a new Hampshire police captain. Ayoob has discovered that when a police officer is threatened by an armed suspect, the officer’s emergency fear system kicks into high gear. This can hinder the officer if he has to use his gun, the officer’s accuracy with his gun breaks down because he is nervous. Ayoob teaches officers to adapt their fear by turning it momentarily to anger and then just as quickly channelling it into their shooting technique.
Another passion that can be used as a quick transition is excitement or the determination to succeed. Instead of just being nervous, you say “This is it" or “This is the moment I’ve been waiting for!” Then, for the third and final stage, you pump your passion into whatever you are doing.
Humour, love or confidence can also be effective middlemen.
Extracts from the book “Intelligent Fear” by Michael Clarkson
Professional golfer Tiger Woods, “ I get very nervous before every shot. It’s how you deal with it that determines whether you will be a success.”
Identify your Fears
-Fear arises when you feel the demands exceed your “deemed" resources.
-Are you thinking negatively? Having unrealistic negative perception of your abilities to deal with the situation? The major problem is that we often see the situations as being too great to handle.
-Are you holding on to too much baggage from the past, a feeling of powerlessness?
Harnessing the energy of Fear
2 stage formula
1) Feel the fear. Feel glad and confident that you have it.
2) Change your fear to a dispassionate focus on skills. By redirecting fear energy you remove distractions and focus the energy on the task at hand. The focus is on the job at hand, now is the time. Develop your physical technique along with your emotional skills so that you learn to trust yourself.
Athletes at crisis points of a match use a similar method to conquer the fear of failure. “ In the moment of truth, they lose total self-awareness….They turn themselves over to their talent and their genes and let their ego get out of the way. It becomes an ideal harmony of mind and body.”
Another formula – 3 stage formula
Change the fear briefly into another passionate emotion- anger or excitement or love- and then channel the energy into the dispassionate work. The transformation must be swift: fear-to-passion-to-dispassion.
The method is taught by Massad Ayoob, a new Hampshire police captain. Ayoob has discovered that when a police officer is threatened by an armed suspect, the officer’s emergency fear system kicks into high gear. This can hinder the officer if he has to use his gun, the officer’s accuracy with his gun breaks down because he is nervous. Ayoob teaches officers to adapt their fear by turning it momentarily to anger and then just as quickly channelling it into their shooting technique.
Another passion that can be used as a quick transition is excitement or the determination to succeed. Instead of just being nervous, you say “This is it" or “This is the moment I’ve been waiting for!” Then, for the third and final stage, you pump your passion into whatever you are doing.
Humour, love or confidence can also be effective middlemen.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Why not a Christian?
Out of the 4 in my study group at my Counselling course, all are christians except me. They are super nice people and I am so glad to be in this group. As we have to use each other to practise what we learn in class, we have a deep appreciation of each other's personal problems. One thing strikes me is how their faith give them the strength to steer through life and not buckle over.
I know they must be praying for me to be a christian just like many other friends of mine. What is holding me back, some want to know. I tell them I am just more inclined towards Buddhism, I don't really know why. Somehow it does not feel right for me that anyone who does not believe that Jesus is the son of God will be condemned to eternal hell. That does not align with my inherent feeling that there's a light in every soul that just need to be lit, although it may take many lifetimes little by little. It seems to me to be against the law of nature that souls should be condemned to eternal sufferings. No that's too cruel and that's not natural and certainly not divine. You get what I mean?
Sometimes when I travel in Asia, in China, Thailand, Indonesia, Malaysia, Cambodia etc, I think about era after era of wars, glories, lost empires, our ancestors and generations after generations that lived through these waves of changes. Each generation embraced certain beliefs to guide them through life's journey. Each belief provides emotional support and moral guidance. Each belief strives to help lost souls discover their inner light.
It can not be that only certain parts of the world is fortunate enough to embrace the right religion and hence shall be safe. I cannot comprehend.
I know they must be praying for me to be a christian just like many other friends of mine. What is holding me back, some want to know. I tell them I am just more inclined towards Buddhism, I don't really know why. Somehow it does not feel right for me that anyone who does not believe that Jesus is the son of God will be condemned to eternal hell. That does not align with my inherent feeling that there's a light in every soul that just need to be lit, although it may take many lifetimes little by little. It seems to me to be against the law of nature that souls should be condemned to eternal sufferings. No that's too cruel and that's not natural and certainly not divine. You get what I mean?
Sometimes when I travel in Asia, in China, Thailand, Indonesia, Malaysia, Cambodia etc, I think about era after era of wars, glories, lost empires, our ancestors and generations after generations that lived through these waves of changes. Each generation embraced certain beliefs to guide them through life's journey. Each belief provides emotional support and moral guidance. Each belief strives to help lost souls discover their inner light.
It can not be that only certain parts of the world is fortunate enough to embrace the right religion and hence shall be safe. I cannot comprehend.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Singapore children are happy
Must share this in case you missed this letter in the forum page. A mother commented on the wrong conclusion that was drawn from a recent survey amongst Singaporean children. The survey suggested that most children in Singapore are happy and are generally not disturbed that their mothers are working and spending less time with them. Hence it concluded that working mothers can now rest easy.
This mother of 2 who wrote in commented that it does not take much to make the kids happy, like letting them watch TV, allowing them to take sugary food and allowing them to idle. But she feels her job as a mother should be "to keep my children unhappy". It takes greater effort to make them unhappy like restricting their time for watching TV and playing computer games, making them take healthy food, disciplining them when they misbehave, etc etc. She then went on to say "A mother who fears making her children unhappy ....is unlikely to have the strength of character to bring up a child ...of character". She went on to quote an old proverb that "A child left to himself brings his mother to shame".
Wow what a strong statement but I thought she does have some valid points. When I show this article to my 17 year old son, his reaction is just as funny. He raves and wonders what kind of mother this lady is, probably the type who expects perfect grades, perfect discipline, perfect everything. "Does she think her children are vermins that cannot be left on their own and need to be restrained?" He thinks she is making a fool of herself!
Hahaha To think that I kind of agree with her.
This mother of 2 who wrote in commented that it does not take much to make the kids happy, like letting them watch TV, allowing them to take sugary food and allowing them to idle. But she feels her job as a mother should be "to keep my children unhappy". It takes greater effort to make them unhappy like restricting their time for watching TV and playing computer games, making them take healthy food, disciplining them when they misbehave, etc etc. She then went on to say "A mother who fears making her children unhappy ....is unlikely to have the strength of character to bring up a child ...of character". She went on to quote an old proverb that "A child left to himself brings his mother to shame".
Wow what a strong statement but I thought she does have some valid points. When I show this article to my 17 year old son, his reaction is just as funny. He raves and wonders what kind of mother this lady is, probably the type who expects perfect grades, perfect discipline, perfect everything. "Does she think her children are vermins that cannot be left on their own and need to be restrained?" He thinks she is making a fool of herself!
Hahaha To think that I kind of agree with her.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Angkor's headless Buddhas- my feelings
Just came back from a trip to Siem Reap & Angkor Wat. Shall not dwell on the wonders of the Ancient City and the charming and quaint hotels/restaurants which Lonely Planet can so well describe.
I just want to make an observation about my own feelings. They are everywhere in the huge ancient city of Angkor, headless Buddhas and headless statues. They were severed, stolen and smuggled out of the country.
But in the inner courts of Angkor Wat, one whole row of headless Buddhas hit me as I stepped in from an outer court. The statues are dusty, coated with sand and grime (Siem Reap is very sandy) and some of these headless Buddhas have a golden sash across the severed neck. Suddenly my mind flashed back to the spotless, modern, cultured & refined ambience of the Metropolitan Museum of Arts in New York which I visited a few months ago. There you can find many many Buddha heads of various sizes, beautifully positioned in well designed wall recesses and glass enclosures and on pedestals. The sophisticated lighting is designed to cast a mysterious aura around them.
And I feel the sadness of my guide when he said ruefully "the heads are everywhere outside this country". Used to be when I was younger I had no feelings when such a sight hit me.
You know as I think about it the reaction towards the same situation is so different at various age in your life. In the seventh cycle of the 7-year period, i.e. when you cross 49 years of age, you reach a phase which is termed as " A Second Wind" by William Byrant. This is a phase of consolidation and integration, when one feels the urge to complete any "unfinished business". This is a reflective phase when changes and transformation take place to be at peace with oneself. "All the vultures of our past come home to roost....Body and soul now reflect all the errors and excesses of our past....(we) have to replace the vanished enthusiasm of youth with new qualities of soul and spirit."
Perhaps that is why I feel sad knowing how impossible it is for the whole to be restored and consolidation to take place in the ruins of Angkor.
I just want to make an observation about my own feelings. They are everywhere in the huge ancient city of Angkor, headless Buddhas and headless statues. They were severed, stolen and smuggled out of the country.
But in the inner courts of Angkor Wat, one whole row of headless Buddhas hit me as I stepped in from an outer court. The statues are dusty, coated with sand and grime (Siem Reap is very sandy) and some of these headless Buddhas have a golden sash across the severed neck. Suddenly my mind flashed back to the spotless, modern, cultured & refined ambience of the Metropolitan Museum of Arts in New York which I visited a few months ago. There you can find many many Buddha heads of various sizes, beautifully positioned in well designed wall recesses and glass enclosures and on pedestals. The sophisticated lighting is designed to cast a mysterious aura around them.
And I feel the sadness of my guide when he said ruefully "the heads are everywhere outside this country". Used to be when I was younger I had no feelings when such a sight hit me.
You know as I think about it the reaction towards the same situation is so different at various age in your life. In the seventh cycle of the 7-year period, i.e. when you cross 49 years of age, you reach a phase which is termed as " A Second Wind" by William Byrant. This is a phase of consolidation and integration, when one feels the urge to complete any "unfinished business". This is a reflective phase when changes and transformation take place to be at peace with oneself. "All the vultures of our past come home to roost....Body and soul now reflect all the errors and excesses of our past....(we) have to replace the vanished enthusiasm of youth with new qualities of soul and spirit."
Perhaps that is why I feel sad knowing how impossible it is for the whole to be restored and consolidation to take place in the ruins of Angkor.
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