Is it thrift or being Stingy

 

There is an article in the Economist entitled "Baby boomers are loaded. Why are they so stingy?" 

Apparently the issue for the economy in 2020s and 2030s is why baby boomers are spending so little. The article was published in the Straits Times too and I read with amusement comments from many baby boomers defending their behaviour, justifying their so called "frugal" habits. They ascribed it to having lived through hard times and thus valuing this positive trait.

 It does not take me a moment to agree that being "stingy" most describes my husband. I then wonder whether my own spending habits can be considered likewise. It is true that I have not spent a single cent on any luxury brands of apparels, bags and accessories. Throughout my working years the only so called expensive item I indulged in is a Rado watch which cost S$2000+ and an Osim massage chair. I really can't think of any indulgence unless one considers carefully planned travelling expenses a luxury. Yes my husband and I do spend quite a fair bit on travel (about 2 long distance trips and a couple of shorter trips per year) but we never splash on truly luxurious hotels except for one or two occasion.

It is kind of strange but I can say I have no qualms parting money for a good cause including charity and gifts. I guess it boils down to a mindset of constantly evaluating whether an expenditure is worth its utility. So if a wealthy person spends half a million or more on a luxurious car I kind of wonder why they don't go buy real estate instead, ie. something more tangibly solid and less depreciating. 

Once I wished aloud I could win a business class ticket for a long distance holiday. A friend commented I actually have the means and it is a matter of choice. My reflex response to her comment was "I wouldn't be so irrational as to take business class which is worth 2 economy class tickets (ie. more holidays) ." Or for that matter, I would deliberate very hard whether to be a bit more extravagant when celebrating a special occasion. It all boils down to embracing value to the point that it feels sinful to waste money on extra comfort or fulfilling some desires for luxury. Does that tantamount to being stingy?

As John Rockefeller once said "I believe that thrift is essential to well ordered living"

But the same Rockefeller when asked how much money is enough replied "Just a little bit more"

The Abandoned Journey

 

You woke up and you remember vaguely a dream. Very often you try to go back to sleep to continue but you are unable to remember the whole story. You can only remember the last few scenes and a very very vague drift of the story. A brief analysis tells you it is a patchwork of various momentary situations you register subconsciously during the day. When you want to know the significance of your dream it is best to recollect what kind of feeling it evokes in you, especially recurring dreams.

I believe sandplay therapy for certain people is like dreaming. They create pictures in the sand tray almost in a hypnotic way, an expression of their feelings and experiences etched in their conscious and unconscious mind. 

I have worked with children caught in acrimonious divorce where the recurring theme of their sand stories is danger and threat. Sometimes it amazes me how the mind works. In the sand therapy room there are hundreds of symbols which they can pick to tell a story. It can not be a coincidence that the same theme appears and very often the symbols picked are repeatedly used.

Why I suddenly felt like talking about sandplay therapy is an encounter with a client last week whose sand picture left an indelible mark on me. The girl is caught in her parents' acrimonious divorce which involves physical violence as well, hence she stays with mother. In brief, she picked a sole symbol of a cab, opened one door of the cab and placed it in the vastness of the bare landscape she created . No driver was in sight but she created footsteps on the sand leading to the edge of the tray. In her words the guy (driver) abandoned his journey halfway and left, not sure where he went. 

We are not supposed to impose our interpretation onto their sand stories but when I stepped back to relook the sand tray after the client has left, the scene created looked so dismal and forlorn evoking some sadness in me. 

I would name the sand picture: The Abandoned Journey

Micro dramas

 

I just found out that micro dramas are the fad now in China. These are super short videos lasting about one to two minutes per episode. They are suitable for viewing while waiting for say the elevator, the train or standing in supermarket queue etc. The whole drama ranges from 20 episodes to 100 episodes.

"Top key features include very rapid plot twists, intense emotional conflicts and minimal character development"- CNA

I am just thinking if this catches on with the rest of the world how will it affect the way I deliver my story telling in the library. I mean if our children become hooked onto this mode of entertainment will they find it extremely boring to sit down for half an hour listening to someone trying to enact scenes page by page of a story book. For most junior children books the plot develops slowly before hitting a climax as opposed to rapid plot development. 

It is true that the oral tradition of story telling needs to evolve with new technologies. This is why our new Punggol library has a fully equipped story telling room for the story teller to project moving images and text together with light and sound effects to make it an ' immersive and interactive experience '. 

It is another thing if the audience expects swift moving plot. I think children love to listen to stories because it is magical; they can find themselves in different worlds sharing the emotions of the characters sharing their struggle and victories, their pain and joy. 

I certainly hope our children of the future will not be deprived of this beautiful magical experience.

Memorable Travel Experience

 

I read my last blog about my pre-travel anxieties. Well, I am back with wonderful memories of Spain. Of deep impression is the Alhambra in Granada (the most beautiful and exquisite palace I have seen), the Mesquita in Cordoba (where a cathedral was built inside a mosque) and of course the quaint architecture of Gaudi in Barcelona (who did not think out of the box, he threw away the box).

Prior to visiting Spain I watched the Spanish show Cathedral of the Sea on Netflix to get some flavour of Barcelona. It added rich flavour to the guided city walk around Barcelona. The show had described the plight of the Jews around 14th century where the story took place. It came alive when the tour guide showed us the Jewish quarters. On our own we located the Cathedral Santa Maria del Mar (depicted in the show as the Cathedral built by the people, stone for stone carried from the sea). We were thrilled to find on the walls of the church carvings of man carrying huge stones on their back.

During my long train ride in Spain I also listened to podcast about Gaudi and how his style is driven by his love for architecture, nature and religion. His exploration into arches came from observing hanging cables. These knowledge helped me to truly appreciate the interior of the famous Sagrada Familia in Barcelona.

As we were traveling close to Good Friday we were fortunate enough to watch rehearsal parades in 2 towns. That was really a bonus. Another supplementary prize was to be inconvenienced by a farmers' protest against agricultural imports in the form of long rows of tractors trudging the streets of Cordoba such that we have to walk to the train station dragging our luggage along instead of cabbing.

My travel in Spain was truly fascinating reinforced by a very knowledgeable local guide in Barcelona who gave so much depth into its history. It was only from the visit and pre research that I learnt that Spain was under Muslim rule for over 4 centuries which explains the presence of cross culture everywhere. 

Yes I did have some discomfort from long flights and anxieties about pickpockets etc. However this last trip will spur me on to travel to learn more about the history and culture of the travel destinations.

Gaudi- There are no straight lines or sharp corners in nature. Therefore, buildings must have no straight lines or sharp corners. The straight lines belong to men the curve one to God.

Adventure or Routine

 

I am making last minute preparations for a 2 week holiday in Europe with my husband. It was mainly  following an itinerary used by my daughter some years ago. Still, it involved a lot of planning. 

I am not sure what is going on but certainly I feel a lot of anxieties, quite unlike our visit to Switzerland last year. Perhaps it is the notion that Spain is not as safe as Switzerland . 

On the other hand I am wondering whether anxieties generally increase with age. I did a bit of googling and found reasons alluding to increased symptoms of anxieties with age. 

First of all travelling for me now is not like 5 or 10 years ago. Now, long flights seem to take a toll . Last year I came back with severe inflamed blocked ears. Moreover, many mild ailments have surfaced or worsened over the last decade including GERD, diverticulitis, IBS, rheumatism, not to mention newly acquired food intolerance. The fear of having to get medical help in a strange country must have worried the mind. 

Next our youngsters are warning about pick pockets or being mugged. Their worries are not unfounded as our alertness is no longer that sharp. In fact our cognitive powers seemed to have weakened; during our last UK trip we were dumb enough to follow a person who promised to show us a nice Asian restaurant. We fled when he led us to some dark streets. Not to forget we also have failing eyesight and lack physical nimbleness. 

The insecure feeling is exacerbated by not being tech savvy. Just back home I am already telling cashiers to be patient when I am using 'paynow" to foot my bill. What more in foreign countries when most outlets are cashless and not accepting credit cards for small amount. Then you are not sure what "wallets" work in different countries. You also don't want to draw unnecessary attention fumbling through your phone and wallet real or virtual. Alas what a hassle even to buy food !  

Oh one website suggests GAD (general anxiety disorder) increases with age because older people don't sleep well, having to go toilet or experiencing hot flashes. Lack of sleep make them feel tired, irritable and anxious. Oh wow! what about sleeping on a new bed in a new environment?

No wonder many older people prefer package tours or cruises. At lease you don't have to  figure your way to the right platform of tube stations or rush for the next train while conquering the stairs with your luggage. 

Two travel quotes from Paulo Coelho are worth pondering:

-If you think adventure is dangerous, try routine - it's lethal. (Hmmm...)

-"The danger of an adventure is worth a thousand days of ease and comfort" (Well I don't know about that, especially at my age)

Caught in the Middle

 

I run workshops for children caught in parents' conflicting divorce, hence the workshop is called CIBC (Children caught in Between). At the same time I also practice sandplay therapy/counselling for children in emotional distress arising from parents' divorce. 

Recently I counselled a kid who had passive suicidal ideation when the court ordered supervised visits for the non custodial parent. The kid views the non custodial parent as a very bad person hence the fear and resistance to attend the visitations. The parents have fought for several years over custodian and visitation rights.

After several sessions I could sense the child crying out for mental space and freedom. It is as if she is shouting "Get me out of this hell hole" and begs to be left alone. My sympathies is with the child and I frown upon the court decision.

On the other hand, some of my colleagues have worked or are working with the non custodial parent. They told me of the grief and sadness expressed by the person being separated and having no access to the child. So you hear from the mother, the father or the child depending on who you are working with. You hear their version of the story, you hear their complaint, you hear their plight and you sense their pain.

When we discuss the case we tell the story of the person we are working with. In the end we conclude we are also 'Caught in the Middle'.

When "No" means "Wait"

 

In the book Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss, a former FBI top hostage negotiator, he advocates that we should aim for our opponent to say "No" as a first step in negotiation. This contradicts our instinct to seek a 'Yes" to our terms.

According to him getting the other party to say "No" for a start puts them in a less defensive stand. The whole idea is to make them feel safe, secure and in control. It is a first step in getting them to engage and listen. After feeling they have protected themselves by saying "No" our counter party can then open up for discussion and understanding options available.

The difficulty however is in our entrenched habit of wanting to hear "Yes". He suggests that we learn to hear "No" calmly. In Voss' words " "No" is not a failure....it really often just means "Wait" or "I am not comfortable with that"......Used strategically it's an answer that opens the path forward. Getting to the point where you're no longer horrified by the word "No" is a liberating moment that every negotiator needs to reach. Because if your biggest fear is "No", you can't negotiate. You're the hostage of "Yes". You're handcuffed. You're done".

Personally I find this useful advice in interacting with family members too. Any "No" from my husband usually enrages me and triggers an argument or war of ego. I will then use either passive aggressive behavior or threats to get my way which is quite upsetting. It is true I must learn to accept "No" for a start calmly. Quite often after feeling like he is in charge my husband will come around to hear or offer options, out of guilt perhaps. 

Maybe for a start I must train my mind to think "Wait lah" when I hear "No" from my husband to release the self hostage.