In the book Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss, a former FBI top hostage negotiator, he advocates that we should aim for our opponent to say "No" as a first step in negotiation. This contradicts our instinct to seek a 'Yes" to our terms.
According to him getting the other party to say "No" for a start puts them in a less defensive stand. The whole idea is to make them feel safe, secure and in control. It is a first step in getting them to engage and listen. After feeling they have protected themselves by saying "No" our counter party can then open up for discussion and understanding options available.
The difficulty however is in our entrenched habit of wanting to hear "Yes". He suggests that we learn to hear "No" calmly. In Voss' words " "No" is not a failure....it really often just means "Wait" or "I am not comfortable with that"......Used strategically it's an answer that opens the path forward. Getting to the point where you're no longer horrified by the word "No" is a liberating moment that every negotiator needs to reach. Because if your biggest fear is "No", you can't negotiate. You're the hostage of "Yes". You're handcuffed. You're done".
Personally I find this useful advice in interacting with family members too. Any "No" from my husband usually enrages me and triggers an argument or war of ego. I will then use either passive aggressive behavior or threats to get my way which is quite upsetting. It is true I must learn to accept "No" for a start calmly. Quite often after feeling like he is in charge my husband will come around to hear or offer options, out of guilt perhaps.
Maybe for a start I must train my mind to think "Wait lah" when I hear "No" from my husband to release the self hostage.
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