Impactful message from Shtisel

 

This blog entry must be read with my previous blog. The last episode of season 2 of Shtisel is to me very impactful and delivers a powerful universal message. 

So in the story, the artist son of the Orthodox Jewish family, Akiva, painted a picture of a young mother carrying a baby. The painting was a success and the gallery owner arranged a TV interview prior to his exhibition. When asked on air, Akiva said it was from memory of his deceased mother. Back home his father in a rage hit him for disgracing the family in exhibiting his mother in public. This was because the lady in the painting did not cover her hair totally as was expected of married Orthodox Jewish women. Akiva was flabbergasted because the lady in the painting was not a portrait of his mother at all but just his expression of her. Akiva refused to abide by his father's instruction to withdraw the painting from the exhibition.

Perhaps like most other viewers, I was angry with the father for his unreasonableness. However the father related an incident when Akiva's mother cried throughout the night when she discovered she accidentally left a bit of her hair uncovered when attending a family function. The father's love and respect for his wife was touching and heart wrenching.

The father then bought the painting from the gallery at a high price after selling the reserved plot of land where he would be laid next to his wife. At home he held a candle deliberating whether to burn the painting. After much agony he used some paint to cover the bit of hair of the lady in the painting instead.

I will always keep this scene in my memory. Hopefully it will remind me to be more understanding in my dealings with people and not to judge so easily. The way someone thinks and behaves is shaped and conditioned by so many factors, be it in the upbringing, education and past experiences. I must also remember it is hard to rewire a person's character and world view. A valuable lesson learnt from Akiva's father is his willingness to strike a compromise taking into consideration his son's feelings.

"Before you judge someone, walk a mile in his shoes"- Eminem

Live for Yourself?

 

I am now watching a popular Israeli TV drama 'Shtisel'. It centers around an ultra orthodox Jewish family and revolves around each individual member's struggle to conform to rigid religious and cultural norms. It has universal themes about loss, love, the dilemma between individual freedom and adherence to tradition; and personal growth versus pro family priorities.

In one episode the grandson brought a dog to the patriarch's house. He was kicked out of school for rescuing a puppy and bringing it to school. I did a google search which says many orthodox Jews frown upon keeping dogs as pets as they are deemed to be unclean. It also says that their culture views keeping dogs as a distraction from having more children (though this needs some fact checking).

Meanwhile there is breaking news about China's population falling for the first time since 1961. Another report shows East Asia's worrying low fertility rate, South Korea 1.1, Japan 1.4 and China 1.7 (Singapore 1.2). 

Reflecting on the pro family emphasis and misogynistic tendencies in the Jewish Orthodox culture or even in other religious tribes that encourage early marriage and big families, I begin to think that these cultures may be quite far sighted or visionary in that they could foresee the secular and liberal forces that threaten human procreation.

However, the dilemma and agony portrayed by some characters in the Shtisel story reminds me that individual growth and freedom is also paramount for personal fulfilment and happiness. Sometimes I relate to their experience when I feel weary of all responsibilities and dream of living alone in a faraway place, spending time being myself or trying to discover myself. Yet I cannot deny I also derive joy from being part of a family or community.

Like in everything, I guess a balance needs to be struck between individuality and community. I see no happy ending to a society that embraces a 'Live for yourself' attitude, neither is there one for a society that lives by rigid laws and practices that stifles the 'self'.

When they were ALIVE

 

A week ago the internet was rife with the fake news that Chow Yuen Fatt has passed away. When I heard it from my sister I felt rather sad. CYF is around my age. When Hong Kong TV drama was the family entertainment in the late 70s and 80s CYF starred in many of the popular TV serials and became a household name. His absence if true felt like a void, a passing of an era which I belong. Thankfully it was fake news.

However a few days ago when my husband said Sim Mong Hoo passed away, I rebuked him for not verifying before breaking such news. Unfortunately it turned out to be true. SMH was also around my age and was someone whom baby boomers in Singapore looked up to as someone who persistently and ardently pursued his dreams and achieved his goals. We admire him because he did not achieve success through the charted or silo path that most Singaporeans aimed for ie. excellent academic performance or government scholarship to launch into a successful career.

In remembrance of him, CNA ran a short story of his career trajectory. One scene that struck me was when he introduced his latest device/product to Heng Swee Kiat. He was so alive! so full of enthusiasm. Reading more about him I became convinced that he led a very full life.

Thinking about the fake and true passing of two well known people my age and reflecting on how these 2 characters lived well ie. lived the life they were meant to be, I began to mull over how I want to live my life.

Last Friday I had the occasion to be reminded of moments when I really felt joyful. I told a story about "The Little Troll" to children at the library. I had told this story some 20 years ago to an entranced audience of more than 20 children. It was an experience I would never forget. I was to experience that magic moment again last Friday. The children were thrilled and ALIVE. 

So WAS I.

The world in turmoil and Life has to go on

 What years the world has seen recently! But isn't it the same with certain periods over various era, World Wars I & II, Bubonic Plague, Spanish Flu, 1976 Tangshan earthquake and Famines? What I mean is, the world has seen very challenging times over history, difficult years came and went. So will the new year see easing of some crisis the world is facing?

According to Professor Roel Beetsma, prof of macroeconomics at the University of Amsterdam: "The number of crises has increased since the start of the century......since world war II, we have never seen such complicated situation." I guess many will agree with him . In fact it seems like a perfect storm with a confluence of Covid, never ending Ukraine War where both sides seem to enter into a death duel and the increasingly frightening impact of Climate Change.

Higher cost of living and climate change is wrecking misery to millions around the world. Almost everyone other than the wealthy feels the impact. How does one remain calm and happy when surrounded by such bleakness?

When visiting an 89 year old aunt we had a discussion as to why many young couples decide not to have kids. I explained to her that all the world in turmoil may be deterring them from having children. She retorted that the world has it own problems but your life still has to go on (including your descendants' as well I suppose).

Still I agree with her. It's impractical to wish for a perfect world to feel happy. We just have to be zen about forces beyond our control and watch our sense of bleakness comes and goes. As Sigmund Freud puts it "Much will be gained if you succeed in transforming your hysterical misery into ordinary unhappiness".

As per my aunt life goes on and we should find purpose just doing what we are born to do, be it your job, your vocation or being a parent/son/daughter. 

Happy New Year, 

BUT above all,  'Don't feel bad if you are unhappy'.

When Love overcomes Hate

 

Our workshop for children from divorced families is over 3 sessions on 3 consecutive Fridays. One participant did not turn up for the first session. When contacted the father said he didn't see the need for his son to attend. However we were quite startled when the boy turned up for the second session brought in by his mother. The mother was then advised to work this out with her husband as the child seemed to be benefitting from the workshop session. When the boy did not turn up for the third session the mother, when contacted, said the child was scheduled to be with the father on that day and she could not make him bring the kid to attend the workshop.

Jennifer Hurvitz, author of One Happy Divorce said " You  have to love your child more than you hate your spouse "

Fortunately, there was the father of another participant who amusingly related to us that the child applied what she learnt from the workshop promptly. When asked by her mother to pass a message to him, the little girl told her mum politely to do so herself. The girl said she didn't want to be "caught in the middle". 

For every despair there is hope. 

Still it is hard for these kids. Indeed when asked about the take away, strategies and tools they have learnt in managing their feelings and worries, they can regurgitate the contents. However on completion of the workshop sessions when asked in a survey form whether they agree they now feel less stressed about their parents' divorce, many still 'disagree'.

Indeed it is not only about how much the children can absorb in the 3 two-hourly sessions, it is largely dependent on how much effort the parents are willing to put in to suspend their anger/hatred and work towards a common goal for the mental well being of their children.

"When you tell a child you hate their other parent you are telling them you hate half of of who they are"-unknown

Abolish Childhood Regrets

 

At one of the 3 sessions of a workshop for children from divorced families we have to impart the following truths:

• they didn't cause their parents' divorce
• that they are still part of a family and
• no matter what they do they can't bring their parents together again

While the first point can be made convincing, the second needs plenty of assurance whilst the third is difficult for them to accept. One child remarked "that was a cruel thing to say".

So the kids watch video, engage in activities & writing exercises to remember these points. We do not know how much is retained after the 2 hour session, especially if they don't really believe them.

So at the subsequent 2 sessions we psycho educate them on thinking positive and finding resources and alternatives to cope and manage their worries and feelings. 

In a ST article "Childhood regrets- mother of reinvention" dated 15 Jul 2021, Prof Chong Siow Ann of IMH mentioned that childhood experiences "exert a powerful and lasting influence in shaping the adults we become". He alluded that a lot of the aching discontent, anger, anxiety in adulthood have their roots in childhood. Helping his adult patients gain insight into the source of their negative feelings is insufficient. In his opinion his patients must have the resolve and commitment to change.

At our children's workshop we flip the feeling cards a lot. The most common feeling cards picked by the kids are 'sad', 'angry', 'scared', 'worried' & 'confused'. It is almost certain that these children will grow up to harbour childhood regrets about missing out from a harmonious or imagined "happy" family. Perhaps they will grow up with a constant feeling of lacking something, much like how Prof Chong describes his adult patients: "In the diversity of the manifestations of their various problems, there was this common theme of yearning, unrealised and unfilled yearning".

In helping the children at our workshop cope with their parents' divorce, we hope to help them shed their misbelief and manage their negative feelings before these become part of a habitual energy that plague their life even into adulthood. 

To tell the children that no matter how hard they try they can not bring their parents together again is 'cruel' as remarked by one child participant of the workshop. However it is better for these children to face the reality and to abolish any lingering regrets forever. 

Prof Chong cited a quote from Diana Athill, distinguished editor and memoirist:

"Regrets are useless, so forget them"

Anwar brings back memories

 

Anwar Ibrahim being sworn in as Malaysia's PM reminds me half a century has passed since I left Kuala Lumpur where I spent my childhood and early teens to return to Singapore where I was born. 

Memories of my mother mentioning in worrisome tone about the rise of a radical Malaysian Muslim Youth Movement leader resurfaced.  Anwar was once detained for 20 months for leading a student demonstration against rural poverty and had led the Muslim Empowerment Movement against the ruling party. Naturally my mother was concerned as would any Chinese living in Malaysia then.

Anwar was a household name literally. So you can say I grew up and grow old with 'Anwar'. Not really appreciating the complexities of Malaysian politics I simply rejoiced at the news of Anwar becoming the 10th PM, partly because he represents the realisation of a dream, victory of a long drawn fight and hope for a brighter future for Malaysia. I was glad that my simplistic delight was echoed by the head waiter at my club's cafe, a Malaysian Indian who believes in Anwar's maxim of A Malaysia for ALL Malaysians and his vows of not compromising corruption.

So much has happened in Malaysia since I left half a century ago. Every time I visit Malaysia I empathise with the Malaysian Rakyat, I see the vast land and resources but so much has has been drained to private pockets and billions in GDP lost.

If my mother is alive, she would probably speak approvingly of Anwar being the PM. He has also changed of course. 

Hopefully, No Worries Ma.