Your own 太医

Yes I am a hypochondriac but I still maintain that no one knows your body better than you, yourself. In other words you are your best doctor (for general ailment excluding major illnesses at least). Of course you need to find out information from a qualified medical doctor to come up with a diagnosis from the symptoms you are experiencing. However beyond that you have to do more research (thanks to the internet) to fully analyse whether the doctor's diagnosis/prognosis is accurate because he is coming to a conclusion based on his medical knowledge, past experience from treating a general population. He doesn't really understand your body constitution unless he spends at least half an hour or more listen to all the details which come to your mind describing your discomfort in various parts of your body.

So I had this persistent cough which the GP prescribed antibiotics because I had yellow phlegm and according to him there is a prevailing epidemic caused by bacteria and many of his patients coughed for weeks. That (if the information from my research is true) is myth number 1, the colour  of your phlegm does not indicate the presence of bacteria. Still being a hypochondriac I readily bore the side effects of the full course of antibiotics. The violent urge to cough died down and all seemed well until the cough recurred again. Fearing being subjected to another dose of antibiotics I went to a sinseh which did not help either. Meanwhile I began to notice the acid reflux problem which I used to have 2 years ago had started to resurface, meaning that the cough was worse at night when I lied down.

While lamenting about my nagging cough, my sister in law described a person who was so frustrated with her persistent cough that she threw caution to the wind and drank coconut water instead. In our Chinese upbringing, coconut water is a no no if a cough is the 'cool' type. Miraculously her cough suddenly went away. I thought it too high a risk to try. However when I was researching about GERD ( Gastroesophgeal reflux disease) I was dumbfounded to find that coconut water is one of the natural remedies because of its alkaline nature. So I immediately gave it a try and bingo I didn't have any cough throughout that night . So I went on to take daily drinks of coconut water and it seemed to work while I am still keeping my fingers crossed.

I found out from my research that a persistent cough can be caused by a post nasal drip from sinus or an acid reflux or both which seem to reinforce each other. Most GP will not ask you whether you have sinus or acid reflux. I suspect the lady who drank coconut water and had her cough cured was probably having a GERD problem which she herself was not aware (many suffers apparently are clueless they have this problem).

My contention is you are your own太医 (imperial physician) who takes cue from your body reaction to various diet and activities including the texture of your poo. You have to form your own opinion what best treatment to take from all the information gathered from doctors and otherwise.

If you don't listen how would you know?

When sociologist Teo You Yenn wrote an article in the ST "Let's talk about meeting needs and not just equality of opportunity", One Dr. Sudha Nair, who led the Bedok Interim Rental Housing Project, responded in a letter to the forum entitled "Why the poor are poor:$500 a month on cable TV and cigarettes and this family still wants financial aid?"

Teo had basically pointed out the hurdles and stigma families in need of financial aid undergo to receive aid. She highlighted the challenges the families living in rented flats face and in particular how disadvantaged and academically far behind their children are compared to their cohort in school. Dr. Nair in her rebuttal letter basically justified the need to ask seemingly intrusive questions about family genograms and ecomaps and detail income and expenditure assessments. To her these questions help the social workers understand the family's choices and their ability to distinguish between wants and needs. She highlighted that most of these families have sold their owner occupied flat for various reasons, spent the money and were in financial difficulties. By helping these families explore alternatives ( in Singapore for eg. single parents must hold a job to receive child care subsidies) these families are able to move on. Needless to say she cited several cases whose members changed their spending habits or found jobs and were able to buy their own flat.

Dr Maliki Osman, a Minister of State then reinforeced with a rebuttal on Teo You Yenn's book "This is what inequality looks like". An abstract from his commentary include:
"Taxpayers' money should not just be given away, even to the needy, without expecting the recipients to help themselves. Social workers working with low-income households on a daily basis (sometimes for many years) have a good understanding of the difficulties they face, and the challenges in helping them."

What Dr Maliki didn't expect was a response signed by 40 social workers commenting that his rebuttal "presents an incomplete picture of the REALITIES of low-income families". They further remarked "While it is easy to attribute the situation of low-income households to poor decision-making and celebrate tough love, we must also acknowledge the role that systems and structures play in creating the conditions of poverty in the first instance"

One ex student of Dr Nair though respecting her as an engaging lecturer had to differ from her commentary saying:
"But what is lacking in this (her) article is how it fails to appreciate the role structural injustice plays in perpectuating poverty.....Individual "bad" behaviours do not cause poverty though it certainly plays a role in worsening their problems. "Unhelpful" and "harmful" behaviours are usually a result of experiences with marginalisation and oppression, and any family's problems has to be seen in the wider socio-economic context such as low wages, poor working conditions and unaffordable health care and housing."

This, in my opinion, is so well said.

What the above course of events clearly signifies is the government's habitual reflex reaction to defend especially because Teo You Yenn in her book points out that "people's experiences are linked to structural conditions of inequalities", throwing reflections on consequences of state policies.

How I wish our government can reign its hastiness to jump in defence and listens a bit more. Policies and their unintended consequences are forgivable if the government listens and makes changes.

Incidentally if you are wondering why some of the rented flat families have cable TV it is because they have no money to have entertainment outside. The parents refrain from shopping malls to avoid their children asking to buy stuff and the TV is their only semblance of a normal family and it helps keep children from wandering outdoor in an unconducive neighbourhood.

If you don't listen how would you know.

Exam Meritocracy

In an ST article "Meritocracy and its toll on our students" two professors highlighted the toll and the opportunity costs of the Singapore education system which places great emphasis on academic performance. Their comments are based on more than 300 submissions that business undergraduates in SMU wrote introspecting their life in and beyond the university. 

What strikes me is the impact of our national obsession with academic performance. Except for a few, all students accept the societal definition of success in sole material terms and academic performance as a means to this end. It comes with an opportunity cost. The students see their parents working diligently to support their education expecting good academic performance from them in return. Some however feel emotionally neglected wishing their parents can love or appreciate them unconditionally and not see their worth through such narrow lens. For some, the parents' relentless strive towards financial goals had caused conflicts between their parents and discord in the family. Many students also mentioned periods when they felt life was meaningless and had signs of depression, with a few finding escapes in smoking, drinking or sex. 

More disheartening is the lack of mention about the "love of learning" or inspiration drawn from their course of study. It seems that their choice of study is often guided by the goal to get a high paying job as influenced by the family rather than an excitement to pursue the field of study. I feel rather sad that almost half a century from the time I pursued my university education, the paradigm towards learning in Singapore has not changed much. Four decades ago the aim of pursuing a college education for most students was truly to relieve the parents' financial burden and for many to support younger siblings' education. Despite having moved from a third world to a first world country it is sad that the collective notion of success in Singapore remains in material terms and academic achievement remains as a measure of merit.

Someone once remarked "Despite the brilliant performance on global academic rankings, Singapore has produced proportionally fewer top-ranked scientists, inventors, entrepreneurs and business leaders. When Deputy Prime Minister Tharman Shanmugaratnam was asked about this by CNN many years ago by Fareed Zakaria, he replied that Singapore was an “exam meritocracy”, compared to America which was a “talent meritocracy”. 

Why I feel sad is because I think a lot of talent in our young may be buried and repressed when they are not encouraged to find their true passion and to discover themselves. Many of my contemporary are unable to recognise a passion that we can pursue upon our retirement so as to make our life richer. I feel it is because it was either undiscovered or had been buried long ago. I do not wish this upon our young.

Liberation from the Self

The following words I shall henceforth strive to remember:

終日吃飯未曾咬著一粒米，終日行未曾踏著一片地。與麼時無人我等相, 終日不離一切事，不被諸境惑，方名自在人。更時時念念不見一切相，莫認前後三際，前際無去，今際無住，後際無來。安然端坐，任運不拘，方名解脫。

Taking one's meal every day, one never chews a grain of rice. Walking every day one never steps upon the ground. Without the discrimination between self and others, one lives in the world, not deluded by anything at all. This is a genuinely free person whose thinking is beyond name and form. Transcending the three periods of thought, he understands that the previous period has not passed, the present period does not stay, and that the future period will not come. Sitting properly and peacefully, not bound by the world, this alone is called liberation! (The Dharma of the Mind Transmission)


Albert Einstein's words as follow seem to reinforce the above:

“The true value of a human being is determined primarily by the measure and the sense in which he has attained liberation from the self”. (In his writings "The World as I see it")

This theme of liberating the self to glimpse life's true meaning is also echoed by Einstein later on, in a 1950 letter to console a grieving father Robert S. Marcus:

“A human being is a part of the whole, called by us "Universe," a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separate from the rest—a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. The striving to free oneself from this delusion is the one issue of true religion. Not to nourish it but to try to overcome it is the way to reach the attainable measure of peace of mind.”

"Now he has departed from this strange world a little ahead of me. That means nothing. People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion."

A Rainbow Promise

Last weekend I had a gathering at my place. As one of the toddlers was afraid of my cat, we had to usher her out of the house to the backyard, unceremoniously perhaps by my husband. That afternoon after briefly coming home for awhile when the kids have left, the cat disappeared missing supper and breakfast cum lunch the following day. That was the first time Miao Miao (that's her name) disappeared for so long. Co-incidentally my niece's beloved Schnauzer whom she normally brings along for the gathering was hospitalised and passed away the following day.

By early afternoon the next day when there was no sign of Miao2 I began to walk the whole neighbourhood. This was after I have unashamedly called out her name several times from all corners of my garden and backyard. I am sure all the neighbours would have remarked about that mad woman looking for her cat again. I peeped into each house along the whole street and walked the small park at the end of the road where stray cats use to roam, to no avail. I began to really worry because she had missed 3 meals which never happened before.
Then I started to imagine all the various possibilities.

1. As my husband suggested, she might have been kidnapped or under house arrest. Though old she is still a very pretty Siamese cat with shades of beige and brown fur, blue eyes and brownish black points.

2. She might have been hurt or trapped by fences or branches whilst roaming. She once had to be rescued from my neighbour's roof top.

3. She might have died fighting some other street cats at night or run down by a car and gone to heaven together with the Schnauzer.

4. One of my neighbours may have been so frustrated with her trampling on their garden that he put her in the car and deposit her far away.

5. She might have been fed by someone the day before and was sleeping in some sheltered spot in one of the neighbour's house as suggested by my daughter.

By evening the next day I was almost in tears imagining her suffering in some strange place, be it trapped or hurt. It was made worse when a very heavy thunderstorm started. I imagined her being drenched and soaked to the skin. I mumbled to my daughter all my worries and I said "She walked into our lives ten years ago and now she just walked out." When the storm became a drizzle I started to call out her name again, intuitively thinking that the thunder and rain would have awakened her if she had fallen into a long long catnap. When nothing happened I began to despair. All of a sudden when I looked up at the sky I saw a rainbow. I felt so hopeful sighting the rainbow. It was as if the rainbow told me everything would be fine. I snapped a picture of the rainbow and close the gate. That was when I heard the familiar meowing coming from the back. I rushed in and hugged Miao2, scolding her for making me so worried whilst drying her fur with a towel. My daughter laughed and chided me for suspecting that our neighbours are sadist kidnappers.

It just goes to show that when a person is desperate all kinds of unbecoming thoughts descend. Yet a natural sign like a rainbow uplifts the heart. I still wonder where Miao2 had gone for so long. When my niece posted a remark in her Facebook about the Schnauzer having crossed the rainbow bridge, I wondered whether Miao2 had fallen into a long long slumber to accompany him half the way to the rainbow, and then came back as the rainbow promised me.

Insight into the struggles of low income parenting

I am half way through with the book "This is What Inequality Looks like" by Teo You Yenn which is exactly what the title suggests in the context of Singapore. Despite my past and present opportunity to engage with people and children from the lower income households whilst working/volunteering in schools, counselling centres and children's home, the extent of stress and challenges faced by these parents and children are far worse than I imagine. A couple of facts strike me empathetically.

Many parents from low income household hold jobs not only involving shifts but may demand changes with very short notice. This is made worse if they have to hold more than one job to support the family as in the case of single parents. Such irregular working hours make it extremely stressful to arrange for child care centre services which operate on regular working hours. Many have to rely on relatives or neighbours to pick up the children daily or at last minute ad hoc requests. Often the children are left to their own devices at home which is a constant worry for these parents. I have experienced the anxiety entrusting an unsupervised maid to take care of my kids at home when they were toddlers. I can imagine the level of stress these parents have thinking about kids left home alone. Apparently when these mothers can not find work which fits into their child care schedule they just have to forgo working and live on much less income.

Another fact of life which I never would have realised involved teenage children in the low income households. Teenagers from middle income families rely on their parents to a far greater extent than those from low income families. This includes allowances and attending classes outside school be it tuition, enrichment classes, sports coaching or dance class. Their time is fully engaged and their activities monitored by their parents. In contrast many of their peers from lower income households have to work part  time to support themselves or family. This gives them a sense of independence and freedom in their choice of social life which often challenges the authority of their parents, who often worry about their teenagers not attending school and mixing with the wrong company.

In her interaction with low income households, the author often hear parents telling their children, "study hard don't be like me" or laments like " I want my children to not be like me". She then observes that "one of the profound difficulties of parenting while low-income is that one has to parent in a social context where one is, and knows that one is, negatively judged as a parent". Parenting teenagers under normal conditions in itself is already not a breeze with their constant desire to challenge authority, what more if the authority figure tells the teenager to do this and that but "don't be like me", what credibility does the advice carry.

I am just half way through but this book certainly makes me realise how shallow is my understanding of the predicaments faced by parents from low income households. In addition I can now visualise better the circumstances my little friends in the Children's Home grow up in.

Feelings from the heart

What should be your response when an 8 year old girl utters "I was upset when my mother told me my father passed away" and then minutes later " I was sad that my father went to prison 3 times before he died".

We were playing a game using 'Feeling Cards'. Each player takes turn to display and describe a feeling card in his/her deck which include emotions like 'sad, upset, embarrassed, guilty, scared, angry etc'. I had put down my 'upset' card citing an upsetting situation when my own children didn't listen to me. When the girl placed her 'upset' card and talked about the passing of her father I thought she didn't have a 'sad' card in her deck, hence using the closest word available.

I then delivered my 'sad' card sharing about the passing away of my mum many years ago. That was when she put down her 'sad' card mentioning her father's incarceration when alive, looking straight at me with those lucid eyes of hers, half sad and (in my mind) also trying to detect my response. She said her father was in prison 3 times before he died. It didn't come as a shock to me that her father was ever incarcerated as many children in the Home come from similar dysfunctional families. It did however surprised me that she finally talked about it. I knew she was trying to detect whether there was scorn, despise or shock in my face. Research has shown that the stigma and shame which children of incarcerated parents experience is from the reaction of people around them. Thus I nodded in quiet acknowledgement of her feelings and continued with the game.

In retrospect the little girl may be quite truthful in expressing her feelings about her father. The fact that she is more sad about his triple incarceration than about his death is possible. There may be very limited bonding because of his constant absence while the stigma of his incarceration may consistently weigh on her. She could have been speaking from her heart.

At the end of the session as she was leaving I felt a sudden urge to call her name. She turned back to look at me and I instinctively uttered "Love You". She ran back and wrapped her hands round my waist while I spontaneously held her close stroking her hair.

We were speaking from our hearts.